"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 1/23/06

-Once again, I think the "Bachelor" did another recap show from 9:00-10:00 last night to show us more of Kristen's embarrassing date. I saw none of it. I think last week was enough for me, thanks. What'd I miss in the extra footage? Her making a volcano with her mashed potatoes? Her refusing to eat her peas? Travis groping giant breasts at the dinner table causing her to storm off? Probably not. Is ABC really running out of programming that bad that they're replaying last week's show every week just to show us some extra outtakes? Can't they throw in a "Jake in Progress" rerun? Or maybe give a little love to "Emily's Reasons Why Not?" Oh wait, they cancelled that after one show. ONE SHOW! Any show with Heather Graham can't possibly be that bad. Especially when it's all about her dating and sleeping around. Sorry Heather. At least "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me" is still on TBS every other day. Onto last night...

-The show opened with Travis jogging shirtless. I think that pretty much was a bold statement to start the show. A statement of "Look, we know he hasn't kissed anyone and we need to get women's estrogen levels raised immediately before we go any further. Here's a little looksy at Travis' abs." Well, if women did get excited over that, that buzz was immediately killed when we got to meet two of Travis' dear friends. Fellow doctors Matt and Kevin were gonna come talk to the ladies to let them see the real reason Travis isn't married yet. He hangs around with dorks.

-So Matt and Kevin start grilling the ladies on human anatomy. Apparently they dropped by a high school science class and stole the skeleton on wheels to bring half way across the world in order to quiz these women. Genius. And what an idea it was. Their first question: "What is the largest, most powerful muscle in the body?" Now, I was just as stumped as these ladies, but I didn't have a look on my face like they asked me to split the atom. We got some interesting answers though. Tara guessed "the tongue." No honey. Why don't you take a break and just stop talking for a while. Sarah Tennessee guessed "the intestines." Oooohhh so close, yet so far. Good guess. And the Georgia police are still curious as to why you faked your own abduction and took a bus ride to Albuquerque, only to return and say you got cold feet and you definitely want to get married to that thumper some day. I think it's safe to say we can start calling Sarah Tennessee the "Runaway Bride". Her eyes officially have reached bug status. Anyway, Susan was the winner of this horrible test by guessing "the butt", or, as we all know in medical terms, "the ass". I did not know that.

-The next chore Huey and Luey put the girls through was presenting them with three wedding rings. They asked if Travis were to propose to you, which ring would you choose to have. This apparently was some Jedi mind trick they were playing on the girls to see which ones would actually choose the ring they wanted, or they'd choose what ring they thought Travis' friends would think they wanted. It was all very confusing. Except to Moana who had no issues telling us which ring she liked the best and why. Moana: "I'm as shallow as a kiddie pool. I'll take the ring with the biggest rock." Very surprising to hear that coming from someone as down-to-earth, funny, outgoing, and lovable as Moana is. And wouldn't you know, Moana is from Los Angeles. I'm glad she does our city proud. Nothing like that killer first impression to Travis' two best butt buddies. And I'm sure this all but guarantees her a spot in the final four. She's going out of her way to seem shallow and mysterious which means if it didn't bother him right away, he doesn't want her leaving anytime soon. Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dork are just eating up the fact good looking women are talking to them.

-The next one was my favorite challenge they gave the girls. "Show us one of your talents." Oh boy. I knew this could get good. Shiloh did some form of breakdancing that rivaled Kristen's poetry last week. Susan juggled balls. Ahem. Let me repeat that. Susan juggled balls. What was that you ask? Oh sorry. I apologize. Yes, it was with her hands, not her mouth. Sorry for not being more clear. Sarah Canada did the splits. In jeans nonetheless. While she was high. Good girl. Jehan turned into MC Jehan right before our very eyes and started beat boxing. I was waiting for her to break out a microphone and turntable and start rapping. Maybe next week. The Runaway Bride put her fist in her mouth. Although I'm sure Travis' boy toys were wondering to themselves how she could possibly put that talent to use with Travis since he likes it....forget it. And Jennifer had no talent other than to put on a bikini and model her goods for us. Unless I wasn't paying attention, they never showed us Tara and Moana's talents. Might've been a good thing. Although I'm sure those two have plenty of talents. Problem is they can only be shown on Cinemax after 1:00 am.

-Based on her ability to juggle balls with only her hands, Susan was deemed most deserving of a first date by Travis' boyfriends. This didn't really sit well with Sarah Canada. Canada: "I thought Travis wanted to save the first kiss for me." Awww....don't be sad. He did. He really did. Until it was relayed to him about Susan's hidden talents, you were all set to do the splits on top of him first. Guess you'll have to wait your turn. So Travis' date with Susan will be at Cafe De La Paix, and they will have to find their way there by themselves with a book of maps, no grasp of the French language, and producers purposely giving them wrong directions so we can laugh and giggle at them as they try and find their way to the restaurant. High comedy I tell you. Wait, you mean they ended up in the middle of nowhere asking someone who didn't speak a word of English how to get to downtown? Hilarious.

-Commercial. I can't really say I've caught much of "Freddie" on ABC this season. And I can honestly tell you, I don't think I will in the future. Not because I don't think Freddie Prinze Jr. is one of the fine actors of our generation. Because I don't. I'm just having a real hard time getting over the fact that Brian Austin Green now just goes by Brian Green. I don't know the real reason for this, but I'm guessing it has something to do with how he wants to put his 90210 career behind him and not be remembered for just the icon that David Silver was. Kinda like how it was too big of he and Tori Spelling to appear at the 90210 reunion show. Sure did wonders for Tori's career. A failed marriage, another failed marriage on the way, and one of the worst boob jobs in recent memory. If David Silver and Donna Martin can't stay together forever, is there hope for any of us? Didn't think so.

-When they finally arrive at the restaurant, three hours after leaving for it, the Ball Juggler starts to lay it on thick. Ms. BJ: "How are you still single?" Travis: "Because I don't ever want to be divorced and I want to make sure I marry the right person." Nipple Susan: "Oh my God. I completely agree with you." Now there may be those out there that really liked Travis' answer and thought he was sincere, but let me ask you this. Does anyone get married with the intention of getting divorced? Unless you're Tom Cruise and it's written out that Katie is only contractually obligated to stay with you for the next five years, then the answer is no. Why don't you tell us the real reason you haven't gotten married Travis? You've been too focused on your career and just haven't found the time and effort to put into a good, strong, meaningful relationship that'll last til the end of time. And that you hang around with dorks.

-Back at the French Manor, a lot of the girls are gossiping about Susan. Imagine that. Girls talking behind other girls backs. Who would've thunk it? The consensus seems to be that Susan is not there for the right reasons. She is not there for Travis but she's only doing this because she wants to be an actress and is moving to L.A. Well, I can immediately call b*****it on this one because I know for a fact, no reality television show would ever cast anyone on their show that had acting aspirations. It just doesn't happen. So what makes me think someone as attractive as Susan would use the "Bachelor" as a steppingstone to a bigger and better career than to whatever the hell she was doing in Overland Park, Kansas? Cut it out ladies. Susan is here for all the right reasons. I just don't know what those are yet.

-Susan keeps pouring it on. Susan: "I like you so much, and I feel so much here it freaks me out." Travis gives her a rose. She gets to stay. Wow. That didn't take much did it? One compliment and bam! Here's your rose. Is Travis gonna be one of those guys that marrys the first girl he lays? Sure seems like it. But Susan doesn't stop there. Susan: "You're amazing. I want this to go a lot of places." No kidding. So do I. Especially after you already showed off your hidden talent. This could get real interesting. Hey Susie, why don't you just drop the whole Travis thing and when you get to L.A. before your modeling and acting career takes off, maybe we can do lunch sometime? Not in a million years? Gotcha. Just thought I'd ask. Anyway, these two continue to hit it off and the Juggler of Balls keeps it comin'. Susan: "I never thought I'd become crazy about you. But I'm done. I'm like a smitten kitten." Hey that rhymed. How cute. Did she get that from Kristen? Apparently Travis likes people who rhyme since we get to see him kiss his very first girl. Sort of. Horrible camera angles here. These two are making out on a balcony and all we see is the back of their heads. Wow. They're really trying to protect Travis' image here. Oh well. At least he kissed someone. I feel like a proud father watching his young boy discover women for the first time.

-Back at the place where the women gossip about each other, the next gift box arrives. The Baked One, Jennifer Wilbanks, The Mysterious One, The Human Beat Box, and the one that's going home tonight (Shiloh), find out their group date will be on the French Riviera. Ms. BJ comes home at 4:00 in the morning from her date with Travis and of course all the girls are still up. And of course the first question out of their mouths, "You guys kissed, didn't you?" The Controller of All Balls replies, "He kissed me." To which all the girls giggled and covered their mouths like they've never heard of such a thing. Except Sarah Canada. She's upset because she was still clinging on to that one hope that Travis would save his first kiss for her. Now she's disappointed and hurt. So she goes and smokes another doobie.

-The five ladies are getting ready for the group date on the French Riviera and man are they pumped up. They've rented out a yacht that they get to spend the night on. This pleases all the girls. Especially Wilbanks. "We're gonna be pimpin' like Puff Daddy and Beyonce." Uhhhh, you need to get out more Wilbanks. And I don't mean to the bus station to cut your hair and travel west to see your lover you're secretly hiding from your fiancee. First off, it's not Puff Daddy. He's changed his name like three times since he was called Puff Daddy. It's just Diddy, you nitwit. And he's not with Beyonce. Beyonce and her ass are with Jay-Z. Get your facts straight. Needless to say, she's all excited to go on the yacht for the night so she can finally get out of the house. So is Shiloh. Yes, she actually spoke this episode. Shiloh: "This is an unbelievable pimp daddy yacht." Is everything on this show "pimpin"? Who taught these ladies how to speak? Kevin Spears-Federline? This is gross.

-On the yacht, it's time to begin the partying. Ladies, get in your bikinis. And of course they all do. And they dance around with Travis who takes his shirt off to show off his chest for the 2nd time in the episode. Jake Gyllenhaal is excited. Anyway, during the bikini dancing, I noticed something about all the ladies. All five of these women couldn't be more different if they tried. I may not be exact on this, but I think I'm pretty accurate. Tara is an "A" cup. And has a severe case of THO right now. Moana is definitely a "D". Jehan I'd say is a full "C". Shiloh is probably a smaller B. And Wilbanks is a little bigger than her, so maybe she's a full "B". See. I told you they were all different. That was fun.

-Moana grabs Travis and immediately jumps off the side of the boat to go for a little swim. The next four ladies follow them. And in case you were wondering if maybe the water was too deep there and maybe it wasn't safe to dive in, no need to worry in Moana's case. She comes equipped with those special flotation devices. She's doing just fine, thanks. Then her and Travis get on a jet ski and ride away. Travis liked this. "Moana is definitely more pro-active than the other girls. She definitely goes full throttle." Yes, she does. And not just on the jet ski. Just wait til' your alone time when she's going full throttle on your knob. Or something like that.

-The date moves from the boat to a casino and all the sudden they're all playing blackjack. Moana is the only one smoking a cigar at this point. Which could mean one of two things. She just had sex, or she enjoys holding phallic symbols in her hands. Or both. Whatever the case, she seems quite confident right now. Travis pulls Shiloh aside for some alone time just to make sure she's the one he wants to dump tonight. Shiloh: "I just hope you give everyone in this group a chance." Oh he will, Shiloh. Don't worry. Except you. Yep. That pretty much sealed that. That's what she used her alone time for? To make sure Travis was being fair to everyone? Shiloh, have you ever watched this show? The last thing you want to do is talk up the other ladies. Tell Travis how ugly so-and-so's dress is. Tell him that Moana smokes cigars way better than she smokes pole. Tell him that Wilbanks' is a complete nut job and hasn't fully recovered from the police interrogating her and appearing on "20/20". Might've been the weakest attempt at saving themselves this show has ever seen. Poor Shiloh.

-Commerical. We have a Claudia Schiffer sighting. She's doing L'Oreal for Paris stuff and looking as skinny as ever. You think she signed a contract when she was married to David Copperfield? If any of you don't believe in magic, that marriage should've changed all that. Of course there's magic. Those two got married. That's magic. Of course, all tricks are revealed at some point, and I guess his magic wand just wasn't good enough to keep her around. In all seriousness, whenever you get the chance, you should check out one of Copperfields shows. Great stuff. Flying around on stage, sending people on a vacation to Hawaii that he pulls out of the audience. It's all pretty wild. Even does this one trick where he has everyone in the audience completeley convinced, even for a split second, that he's not gay. It's all pretty amazing.

-Back on the yacht, Travis pulls Wilbanks aside because he really needs to know why she left her husband and 600 guests five days before the wedding. Wilbanks: "You know, we have a lot in common. I like the outdoors. The whole Nashville thing." Travis: "I ask myself, 'Is she a sexual being? Do you get totally passionate?'" Translation: I look at you as a sister and a shoulder to cry on when watching "Fried Green Tomatoes" or "The Notebook". Wilbanks wasn't really feeling the vibe. I think she thinks Travis thinks she's asexual. But I could be wrong. But as she begs and pleads for him to look at her as more than just a buddy, Awesomely Baked Tara stumbles up the steps to c**k block and inform them they'll all be in the hot tub. Good stuff. Whether its intentional or not, Baked Tara seems to love and move in on everyone else's action.

-Travis decided not to hand out a rose that night and was gonna wait til morning. Translation: I'm not giving the rose to Wilbanks, Baked Tara, Shiloh, or Jehan. If Moana would just say, I don't know, drop by my room, bring me some coffee, hop into bed with me so I can spoon her and whisper in her ear, then maybe I'll just give it to her. Walla!!!! Here she is now. Wow. Amazing how that works. And of course, not four seconds after Moana receives the rose, does the Gossip Crew begin to go to work. "Do you like him?" "Can you see yourself with him?" "Why are you here?" Blah blah blah blah blah. Jealous bitches. Leave Moana alone. She just happened to seduce her way to that rose way better than any of you could.

-Our final date is with Model Jennifer and Sarah Canada. One will get a rose, the other will go home. This was a really tough one to figure out. For their date, they went camping. It was Model Jennifer's first time. Camping, that is. Because I'm sure she's had sex before. A lot of it, if I had to guess. So this was her first time ever exploring the great outdoors. She also said it was her first time in a helicopter. Her first time dating a guy named Travis. And first time she's ever tried to grab the attention of a gay man. So there are a lot of firsts for her during this experience. Good. I'm glad she's growing and evolving. Kind of like Kelly Taylor did when she joined Professor Finley's cult. That guy creeped me out. And if you didn't see he was after Dylan's money from the beginning, you don't know 90210. Where the hell was I? Oh yeah. Model Jennifer likes having sex a lot.

-Sarah Canada vs. Model Jennifer on a camping date to see who gets a rose and who goes home couldn't have been a bigger mismatch than if you matched Kobe Bryant up against the Toronto Raptors. Eighty-one points is disgusting. I still can't believe it. I bet you he got much ass after that game. And I'm sure none of it was from his wife. Anyway, Travis is in his element, Sarah Canada loves camping, and Model Jennifer is rubbing two sticks together. Travis is trying to teach her how to "whittle", which is funny, because that's the exact word Trista uses to describe Ryan's unit. Travis seems to be really into teaching Model Jennifer how to whittle. Travis: "Just do what Sarah's doing." Ouch. Why not just send her off in the forest covered in honey to search for grizzly bears? Things are not looking well for the Model.

-Being the nice guy he is, Travis gives her one last chance to save herself with some alone time. Travis is a very simple man. Travis: "I can't think of a better time than sitting in front of a fire, having a couple beers, and nothing matters." Model Jennifer: "I've got a Prada purse." Ok, she didn't say that, but you get my point. These two go together about as much as Master P and a dancing contest. All the while, Sarah Canada is worrying that Model Jennifer is actually scoring points with Travis. Canada: "I'm cheesed out by the girls answering questions like they're Miss America." So, you mean they're not answering the questions at all? Is that what you mean? Since when has a Miss America contestant ever really answered the question that was asked of her? When all else fails, always go to the world peace card, or maybe throw in a feed the hungry or help the poor. Those always work.

-Needless to say, not a difficult decision for Travis to make on this one. Sarah Canada gets the rose and Model Jennifer gets a few mosquito bites as a parting gift. Travis makes out with Sarah Canada, but yet again, from very poor camera angles. This is really starting to bother me. Either I'm seeing some tongue next week, or I'm boycotting the show. For a week. Model Jennifer: "You can't leave here tonight not thinking either there's something wrong with you? Did you do something wrong? What could I have done more of?" Something wrong with you? Yes, you don't like camping and drinking beers. Did you do something wrong? Yes, you didn't like camping and drinking beers. What could you have done more of? Learned how to camp and drink beer. If we've learned anything thus far on the show it's if you widdle and you like Old Milwaukee, you can get into Travis pants.

-Travis: "I do have a unique connection with Sarah from Canada. Not all of my feelings are equal across all the women. That would be impossible." Not on this show it wouldn't. Ask Guiney. Or Jesse. Or Charlie. When those guys tongues were implanted in ten different girls mouths on ten different dates, they're feelings seemed equal with all the girls. Guys are capable of doing that, you know. Well, apparently except Travis. I'm sorry, but he's boring me to death. They need to go back to putting man whores on this show. This is no fun. Especially when they got a couple of really high quality sluts ready to pounce yet they stick them with this yo-yo. You don't think Moana is ready to get her freak on? You don't think Susan is the biggest closet sex freak you'll ever find with her love for men's hard nipples and her juggling act? You don't think Sarah Canada is counting the seconds til she can have her next drop of "E"? So much potential here.

-Commercial. Next Monday night, ABC is giving us "In Style: Celebrity Weddings". A closer inside look at three weddings: Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner, Sandra Bullock and Jesse Jaymes, and Heidi Klum and Seal. Let me tell you something, if you're a heterosexual man and are caught watching that show, you should be castrated. Who the hell cares about those weddings? And don't even get me started on Heidi Klum and Seal. I'm all for jungle fever, but Heidi, please. There are better fish in the sea. And I've always been against the clubbing of seals. Just not in this case. Affleck and Garner? They're still together? He hasn't lost $500k gambling and gone on one of his patented weekend benders at Scores yet? Give him time. And someone might want to call the people over at "Promises" and tell them to have Affleck's room ready for when he arrives.

-Rose ceremony time. In case you weren't paying attention and just skipped to the end of the column to read who got eliminated, Susan, Sarah Canada, and Moana already have roses. They will not be going home. And Susan's left breast is pretty much hanging out of her dress. Outstanding. Doesn't even have to be lunch, Susan. We could just meet at Starbucks for a Grande Latte Iced Mocha Cappuchino Swirl. I don't know. I don't drink coffee. Anyway, onto the ceremony....

Jehan: She didn't rap when she received the rose. But maybe she will next week.
Baked Tara: She was so high at this point, she almost c**k blocked herself.

A very subdued Host Chris steps in to tell Wilbanks and Shiloh that this is the final rose of the night. Did someone kill his dog or something? He really seemed affected by this. Someone might want to look into this one.

Wilbanks: If she gets a hometown date, how will her fiancee be able to cope with that? Does she just say that Travis is a nice man she met on the bus during her road trip? Should be interesting.

-Shiloh really had no parting words other than to say he should've kept her and there are some girls there she doesn't think are there for the right reasons. I know. Tell me about it. I think Sarah Canada and Baked Tara are doing the show just to score some weed from someone. Next week, according to Host Chris, "a secret is revealed that changes everything." This secret is Jehan's. Now let the guessing game begin. I think it's obvious it's one of three things: Either she's got a kid, she's divorced, or she has a penis. One of the three. For Travis' sake, let's hope it's not one of the first two. Until next week.....

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