"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 10/30/06
-Before you get huffy, there is an explanation for no “Reality Roundup” last week. In order to expand my reading audience, and after much debate considering how I feel about it in general, I’ve decided to join the world of MySpace.com and have created a RealitySteve page. It’s set with pictures, more info about me, and all that goodie stuff that MySpace chooses to offer. I know, I know, I’ve expressed in the past how much I despise MySpace and what it’s about, but this is more about business and broadening my reading audience over anything else. Plus, it’s a way to interact more with you the readers and you can learn a little more about me, see my friends and family, and overall just a way for me to open up more. Boy that sounded corny. That’s of course, if you care. Everything on that site will be monitored, and I’m still tinkering with it as we speak. But I will be posting the some of each column there that links it back to the website in hopes to gain a wider audience. If you’d like to view the page, my MySpace address is:
http://www.myspace.com/StevieC24
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-I noticed during the opening recap of the four girls remaining, Host Chris during his lovely voice-over work referred to the girls as the “four ladies who’ve fallen in love with Lorenzo.” They have? When did this happen? Does Lorenzo knows this? Ahn-YAY-zay is in love with him? I didn’t even know she knew his name. Sadie’s in love too? Is this, like, puppy love? Is she going to buy him a box of those heart shaped candies that have little sayings like “Kiss Me” on them for Halloween tonight? I think she should get ones personally made that say “Boink Me”. That’d be cute, wouldn’t it? Jennifer’s in love too? That really surprises me since, well, I didn’t even realize she was still on the show. Kinda really haven’t focused on her that much. Lisa’s in love? Oh wait, she is. We knew that. She’s crazy, stalker, wedding girl who’s pretending to be in love before her timeline runs out. Hope you get there, sweetie. God knows what the men of Portland will be up against once you’re a week away from being engaged and still haven’t met anyone. Actually that might be a good thing. Note to self: Book a trip to Portland if Lorenzo doesn’t pick Lisa as I’m sure she’ll be giving away free sex for the next 10 months.
-His first hometown visit is to San Diego to visit Sadie. Sadie: “Thissssss is where I’m in my element…I don’t just bring any guy home….he’sssssss gotta mean ssssssomething to me.” Let’s break that down for a second. In her element? Doesn’t her element consist of hand holding and dry humping? I’m sure the Prince loves that element. You don’t just bring any guy home? Do you bring any guys home? Or do you get as far as, “Hi, I’m Sadie, and I’m a virgin” at the bar, and pretty much the conversation ends there. Not surprising to hear she doesn’t just bring any guy home. I’m guessing the ones she does wear white short sleeve shirts with black ties and ride around on bikes all day knocking on people’s doors. And I’m happy to hear that Lorenzo means something to her. That is very sweet. He is too. Now take your clothes off.
-The Rodent: “I want Sadie’s parents to know that I really like their daughter and I’m as genuine as she is.” Sure you are. If you do, then pick her. Pick her and watch your palms develop calluses until your wedding night. I know the curiosity factor is killing you with Sadie, hell it’s killing me and all I’m doing is sitting on my recliner watching every Monday night, but that’s one hell of a risk you’re taking if you pick her. Just imagine, it’s your wedding night, you’ve waited all this time for it to happen, you get in bed, and she’s about as exciting as a sack of potatoes. That would REALLY suck. I think virgins should only marry other virgins. That should be a law in every state. Just so that no one is complaining after the fact and marriages aren’t ruined. I will promise to be less of a pig for the rest of the column.
-So Prince Rat scurries his way into the Sadie household to meet Dad Reid, Mother Colleen and her sisters and friend. I didn’t catch their names but they didn’t speak so it doesn’t matter. We’re better off for it. Over dinner, P-Lo is explaining the concept of the group dates to the Virgin Family. I think blood started trickling out of their ears. “You mean you went on a date with more than one woman in the same day?!!!! For the Love of God!!!! Get out of our house you descendent of the devil!!!!” I think that was their reaction. Something close to that. Ok, maybe not that extreme, but they didn’t seem pleased that Prince Satan took their daughter out then had Desiree rub her ass all over him the same day. That’s worth, like, 50 Hail Mary’s and a half hour shower with Holy water. I think.
-Once Sadie and her mom and sisters left the room, it was time for P-Zo to put on the charm with her dad. And he layed it on thick. So thick, I got queasy and ran to the bathroom. Prince Bullsh***er: “What my criteria is for my mate is someone who’s honest, a best friend, someone I can trust, loyal, compassionate, caring, loving…..” and on and on and on this went. I think he’s still talking to her dad on the phone right now. And he also threw in that he could see where Sadie gets her good qualities from. Are these two going to go bowling tonight or something? If dad bought that one, he’s as gullible and naïve as his daughter. Yep, he bought it. He can’t wait to call Lorenzo “son”. And neither can we, pops. Neither can we.
-Sadie to her mom: “He jusssssst feelssssss ssssssafe….I’d be proud of having him on my arm.” Oh, so he’s just a trophy husband to you now? Is that what you think of him, young lady? Just some Prince to troll around the streets of San Diego as some prize you won on some gameshow? Well it doesn’t work like that honey. This is real life. These are real feelings. People fall in love on this show. If you’re not gonna take this seriously, then you’re really hurting not only yourself, but Lorenzo too. This is about love, and honesty, and commitment. And you’re just laughing in the face of that with your comments. I’m hurt. I just wish sometimes people would take this show a little more seriously, you know? Really eats me up inside. I hate watching people’s hearts get trampled on. Somehow I managed to write that without splitting an intestine.
-So Insincere Sadie takes Lorenzo for a walk on Moonlight Beach to seduce him. Wow. She’s really letting her guard down. I thought for a second that maybe this was the night it was going to happen. This was it. Perfect setting, they’re all alone on Moonlight Beach, she has Lorenzo to herself, and all I kept thinking was, “I think this is where she might just touch his weiner.” Nope. Didn’t happen. At least, not that we saw. They just laid down on the sand and started to bad kiss each other. You’d think after three or four shows this guy would get better. Uhhhh, not quite. He’s still a complete spaz. The royal family should be embarrassed by this pud.
-Commercial. Apparently the top story on the local news tonight is Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon are done. You’re kidding, right? This is the lead news story? Not that crazy Korean guy testing out bombs? Not anything going on in Iraq? Not that LC is taking Kristin Cavalleri’s sloppy seconds yet again and dating Brody Jenner? What’s this world coming to? A Hollywood couple broke up? No way! That never happens. Look, anyone that is surprised by any Hollywood or celebrity couple breaking up should be checked out. They all break up. All of them. And if they’re not breaking up, there’s a mutual agreement that they’re allowed to sleep around and do whatever the hell they want. It’s Hollywood, people. Comes with the territory. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have been married for what? Over 15 years now? And you mean to tell me that the guy who was once the #1 actor in the land for a good five years running, never, ever, EVER slept with anyone else? If you believe that, I have some land to sell you off the coast of Antarctica. They all cheat, they all sleep around, let’s just accept it and move on, and not make it our lead story on the news. Two good looking people like Ryan and Reese didn’t make it? Shocker.
-Time for Lisa’s hometown date in Portland. Now, I don’t know if any of you know this, but Lisa has a timeline for her life. Yeah, no kidding. She just happened to mention it for the 1,569th time this season. Lisa: “I’m 25, and I have my whole love life planned out.” Really? You don’t say? Well, this is news to us. Please, tell us about it. Boy, they really hammered home that point last night, didn’t they? I’m guessing they did that to seal her fate. Unless Lorenzo is actually really on the show to get married, then he’d pick her. But he’s not, so, I’m guessing she doesn’t win. That leaves two possibilities. Well, three if you include Host Chris.
-Lisa’s friend Allie comes over with a wedding dress to just drive that dagger in a little deeper. Lisa acts completely embarrassed that her friend did that, but, “Oh gosh golly darn geez…..might as well go try it on.” Uh huh. Sure that wasn’t planned out. So while she’s gone, Allie being a great friend, asks Lorenzo, “So has she talked to you about her timeline yet?” Which made me realize, we’ve all heard about Lisa’s timeline, the producers have all heard about Lisa’s timeline, they keep drilling into our heads that Lisa has a timeline, but up until best friend Allie ratted her out, Lorenzo didn’t know. Granted, I’m sure he would’ve picked up on it by looking at her magazine collection sitting on the table, but still, he didn’t know up until that point that we’ve seen. Did you see those magazines? “Modern Bride” “Get Married Immediately”, “Weddings and Gowns”, “Your Timeline is Running Out”, “If He Doesn’t Commit - Force Him To”, and “JUGS”. At least, those were the ones I saw.
-So with Lorenzo being completely weirded out now, he gets to go meet the family. This should be a hoot. So he meets Dad Fred, Mother Tina, and brother Alex, who is a wannabe Freddie Prinze Jr. Oh, and I’m sure Freddie and Sarah Michelle Gellar will be breaking up shortly as well. Only a matter of time. Dad Fred makes the understatement of the year at dinner. Fred: “My daughter is a planner…she makes lists of things she wants in her life.” Shocking to hear, honestly. Never would’ve thought that from Lisa. Must come from great parenting there, ol’ Fred. Great job with Lisa. Be proud. While Lorenzo is off hitting on Lisa’s mom, Lisa shows Dad the earrings she got on the first night. “These are 2.5 carats and cost $15,000 dollars.” How does she know? Is the price tag still on them? I think that’s the first time this show has ever mentioned the price on any of the jewelry given away. So either ABC told her how much those cost, or when she signed up to do the show, she made a list of the only acceptable earrings she’d wear. I’m guessing the latter.
-Lisa’s mom is a Pilates instructor, so while Lisa is upstairs figuring out a way to hock those earrings on Ebay, Mommy Tina is giving Lorenzo a Pilates lesson. Either that, or she was practicing the Kama Sutra with him. Good Lord. Back off Mom. Lisa is the one that needs to be impregnated by him. If Lisa sees you raping her date, there might be hell to pay. Especially since its nighttime, she’s horny, her clock is ticking, and Lorenzo has to leave soon. You think you and pops and little Freddie Prinze Jr. there can go for a walk or something? Lisa has some serious business to take care of while her eggs are fresh and flowing downstream. Leave now, or there’ll be hell to pay.
-The parents didn’t leave, Lisa is still fuming, and Lorenzo tries to ease the tension by telling Lisa’s family the exact same line he gave Sadie’s. “I can see where Lisa got her charming qualities from.” Very original Prince. You had a whole day to think of something different, and that’s what you came up with? You do realized this show is being filmed, right? You realize we’re all gonna see you say the exact same thing to two different families, right? Ok, just checking. So you’re an idiot. Got it. Hey, at least you know. So, with the parents still not leaving, Lisa takes Lorenzo outside to try and hump on her front lawn. They kiss. But that wasn’t enough. Lisa: “I want more kisses than that.” You do? Are you sure? Because, well, he’s not very good. Actually, he sucks. And last time I checked, you couldn’t conceive through French kissing. But maybe there’s a new study out that I don’t know of.
-As they head to commercial, they tease comments from Erica coming up. She’s laying naked in a bubble bath, rubbing her inner thigh, and talking about Lorenzo’s choices. Is this porn? When was showing some slut double clicking her mouse in a bathtub considered acceptable viewing on network television? And they kept teasing this every single commercial break, which obviously only meant one thing - we’d be completely disappointed by the results. And we were. What a screw job ABC pulled on us. They are really hyping Erica up to be something she’s not, which is interesting. I actually believe that Erica isn’t acting and this is actually how ditzy and jaded and shallow she is, but most people think it’s all an act, so continuing to tease Erica coming up at the end of the show probably infuriated a lot of people. If you’ve read any interviews that Erica’s done since being booted from the show, you’d know that this girl is completely crazy and truly believes every word that comes out of her mouth.
-Time for Jen’s date in Miami. She got dressed to the nine’s to meet up with Lorenzo as she had on a tank top and a camouflage army cap on. Yeah, I know it’s sunny in Miami, but I wasn’t too down with the army cap. And it wasn’t until this show that I realized something I hadn’t recognized in the first four weeks of this show. Jen’s a real chatterbox, isn’t she? Probably the most normal girl left and seems somewhat down-to-earth, but man, she didn’t shutup the whole date. When did this happen? Maybe I just haven’t been paying attention the first half of this season. Or maybe I’m just looking for some fault with every girl on here. That could be it. I’m used to doing that. Ok, so of the four remaining girls faults, Jen’s is probably one that you could overcome. No sex? Yikes. Timelines? Blech. Doesn’t speak the language you speak? Deal breaker. I can deal with Jen. Pick her, Lorenzo.
-These two decided to go fishing before meeting the parents. Wait, is Byron producing this show now? Who wants to see these two fish? I certainly don’t. Jen ends up catching a baby shark and kisses it. And wouldn’t you know it, it kissed better than Lorenzo. Ba-dum-pump….Hey now!!!! I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress. Anyway, they throw the baby shark back in the water, because I think Lorenzo got jealous that Jaws seemed to have more sexual chemistry with Jen than he did. So what he do? He kisses her right there on the boat, she seemed to want no part of it, and proves me right. He is painful to watch.
-The rest of the date with Jen and her Dad Dennis and Mom centered around her dad being a redneck lunatic who carries guns. This was kind of ridiculous and overbearing if you ask me. Ok, we get it. She’s your only daughter, you’re very protective of her, blah blah blah blah. Are we honestly supposed to believe that this guy will blow somebody’s head off if he doesn’t like the way they treat his daughter? Really? That’s allowed? You can just kill someone nowadays if you don’t like them? Please. Totally ridiculous. The producers probably told him to show Lorenzo his gun collection, and Lorenzo was told to look scared. I was offended by that whole scene. Not the least bit believable nor convincing. Stupid. Why couldn’t we have seen Jen and Lorenzo getting it on her bedroom or something over that nonsense. Just with no kissing. Everything else though. I’m done talking about this date since nothing else happened other than Dennis cocking his gun while talking to Lorenzo.
-Here is exactly what I wrote last week after P-Lo gave Ahn-YAY-zay her rose:
Ahn-YAY-zay: Watching him interacting with her parents next week might make for a good laugh or a 1,000.
Let me change that. Make that 10,000 laughs. And it started out with Lorenzo giving us his feelings on Agnes right away. “Agnese does have qualities I’m looking for in a future wife.” Yes, I agree. She does. Except she’s missing that one very, teenie, weenie, little minor quality that may or may not be salvageable in a relationship. She doesn’t speak English. Just for the record, I emailed someone yesterday morning and said, “Whenever he decides to kick Agnese to the curb, he will do it by complimenting her 1,000 times, but then in the end he will say it ultimately comes down to the language barrier, and that’s something he can’t get past.” You mean the language barrier that was there the very first day you met her? That one? Did he think she’d become an English major in a week? You’re an idiot, Lorenzo.
-Agnese: “I deed note es-pect to fill dis way bout Lorenzo, but I’m folling for eem.” Poor, poor girl. Someone jump in and save her before she gets hurt by this turd. Please, someone speak to her. Agnese: “Now we are 4 girl, and next rose ceremony, one girl go home.” Hey, at least they’re telling her the rules of the game now. How nice of them. Psssst…..someone go tell her that if she can last one more round, she gets to sleep in the same bed with him and have kinky sex, Italian-style, all night long. Or whatever it is those Italians do. I’m Italian by the way. Moving on…..
-Agnese is trying to explain to the Prince that she’s jealous of the other girls and that she doesn’t like him dating them. Nope, they didn’t explain to her that this is how the show goes. Damn them. P-Zo: “I just know that when its time to make a decision, I have to make one. Does that make sense?” Yeah, sure it does. She reads you loud and clear, pal. Lorenzo, this woman barely knows she’s being taped for a TV show, do you honestly expect her to believe she understands what goes into your decision making? You’re a real buffoon, you know that? What’s your problem?
-So these two decide to take a gondola ride in Venice. Oooooohhhhh perfect. Ever been on a gondola ride? They serve you cheese and bread and crackers while singing to you. Lorenzo will be like a lab rat on steroids having a whole basket of goodies in front of him. Now, technically on the gondola ride, you’re supposed to kiss every time you pass under a bridge. These two ignored that and just spent most of the time kissing. And it wasn’t very good, per usual. But the Prince had no problem shelling out the cheesy one liners. “Venice is beautiful, but Agnese was the most beautiful thing there.” If I were the gondola rower, I would’ve flipped these two over and swam to shore.
-So he meets Dad Roberto and Mother Paula. I think that was her name. I will say this about mom. She beared a striking resemblance to Mick Jagger. Lovely woman. No one in Agnese’s family speaks one word of English, except her dad. And he barely speaks it. Oh boy. Good times coming. Through Agnese’s translation, they asked how long he lived in Italy. “I lived here until I was two. Then I moved to New York. Any of you been to NY?” That question was met with a chorus of blank stares. The kind of blank stares you get when a strange rat walks into your home followed by a camera crew talking a language to you that you don’t know a word of. Needless to say, this was a very uncomfortable hometown date.
-Lorenzo tried to talk with Dad outside, but that went pretty much nowhere. Lo’: “Do you understand me?” Dad: “Ehhhhh, notta so much, ah.” This is really good times all around. Why is he here? Why put us through the pain of watching this? It’s almost embarrassing, really. This Italian girl that was forced upon him, that he willingly, or unwillingly, chose to keep around, is being made a spectacle of in front of her family. You know what’d be really funny? If on the “Women Tell All” episode, Agnese spoke perfect English and she was playing all of us. I think I’d get a kick out of that. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to happen. But it’d be damn funny if it did.
-During dinner there were more blank stares, a couple smiles from Mick Jagger and the crew, and Dad actually being impressed by Lorenzo. Dad: “His Italian side came through even though he can’t speak Italian.” It did? When? Did I miss it? What Italian side? This guy couldn’t be more American if he painted his face with the American flag, wore American flag boxers, and wore an American flag bandana. Italian, he is not. Then Agnese’s family ventured into the world of the surreal by dancing around the house wearing masks. I didn’t know what to make of this other than to say I was frightened. I think that was there ritual to try and turn Lorenzo more Italian. Didn’t work. But he did give your daughter some goodbye tongue on his way out the door. I’m sure she appreciated that. Hey, here’s my tongue. No rose for you.
-Time for the Rose Ceremony. Pretty anti-climatic at this point. But let’s proceed, because Lorenzo has a pre-rose speech to make. “I’m speechless….very difficult…..best girls I could’ve picked…met your families and I was blown away….it’s gonna hurt, but, I’m sorry…..I have to. And Agnese, your family had me dancing around in a mask. Totally creeped me out.”
Sadie: Is there a reason the other girls were dressed rather formally and Sadie had a sun dress on?
Jen: Lorenzo isn’t afraid of guns and redneck dads who carry them.
“Ladies, Lorenzo…this is the final rose tonight….when you’re ready. And hurry your ass up. It’s raining, it’s cold, and we have footage of Erica still to show.”
Lisa: I think Agnese just did the math in her head and realized, “4 girl, 3 rose. Me go home.”
-And once again, my prediction came true. Lorenzo’s final parting words to Agnese about why he let her go. “Agnese is very attractive, I enjoyed my time with her, but the #1 thing you need to grow in a relationship is communication, and we didn’t have that…..So as a parting gift, I bought you some ‘Hooked on Phonics’ tapes to brush up on your English. Call me after you’ve completed the 1st section.” Lorenzo was very broken up about letting Agnese go. He cried. And so did I. But mine were tears of joy that this abortion of a show is almost over.
-Next week, we see Prince Crier confront Lisa about her timeline. Apparently three weeks before she auditioned for the show, she broke up with a serious boyfriend back home. Yeah, that’ll do wonders for her chances. And they tease that “Sadie’s virginity is put to the test”. YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! It may finally happen. I can just feel it. ABC is teasing us with sex next week and I just know they’re going to deliver on it. They always do. Especially with a virgin who’s known a guy for a whopping month. Can’t wait for that c**k tease to happen.
-So while the credits are rolling, we get one final clip of Erica babbling about the remaining three girls. “Jen and Sadie are vanilla milkshakes….Lisa is like the same milkshake but maybe with some cinnamon sticks and chocolate sprinkles with a dab of beer….I’m a champagne flavored milkshake.” I was just waiting for her to break out with how her “milkshake brings all the boys the yard”. Go away, whore. It’s safe to say that your 15 minutes have run 14 minutes and 59 seconds too long. Happy Halloween! Until next week…..
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-I noticed during the opening recap of the four girls remaining, Host Chris during his lovely voice-over work referred to the girls as the “four ladies who’ve fallen in love with Lorenzo.” They have? When did this happen? Does Lorenzo knows this? Ahn-YAY-zay is in love with him? I didn’t even know she knew his name. Sadie’s in love too? Is this, like, puppy love? Is she going to buy him a box of those heart shaped candies that have little sayings like “Kiss Me” on them for Halloween tonight? I think she should get ones personally made that say “Boink Me”. That’d be cute, wouldn’t it? Jennifer’s in love too? That really surprises me since, well, I didn’t even realize she was still on the show. Kinda really haven’t focused on her that much. Lisa’s in love? Oh wait, she is. We knew that. She’s crazy, stalker, wedding girl who’s pretending to be in love before her timeline runs out. Hope you get there, sweetie. God knows what the men of Portland will be up against once you’re a week away from being engaged and still haven’t met anyone. Actually that might be a good thing. Note to self: Book a trip to Portland if Lorenzo doesn’t pick Lisa as I’m sure she’ll be giving away free sex for the next 10 months.
-His first hometown visit is to San Diego to visit Sadie. Sadie: “Thissssss is where I’m in my element…I don’t just bring any guy home….he’sssssss gotta mean ssssssomething to me.” Let’s break that down for a second. In her element? Doesn’t her element consist of hand holding and dry humping? I’m sure the Prince loves that element. You don’t just bring any guy home? Do you bring any guys home? Or do you get as far as, “Hi, I’m Sadie, and I’m a virgin” at the bar, and pretty much the conversation ends there. Not surprising to hear she doesn’t just bring any guy home. I’m guessing the ones she does wear white short sleeve shirts with black ties and ride around on bikes all day knocking on people’s doors. And I’m happy to hear that Lorenzo means something to her. That is very sweet. He is too. Now take your clothes off.
-The Rodent: “I want Sadie’s parents to know that I really like their daughter and I’m as genuine as she is.” Sure you are. If you do, then pick her. Pick her and watch your palms develop calluses until your wedding night. I know the curiosity factor is killing you with Sadie, hell it’s killing me and all I’m doing is sitting on my recliner watching every Monday night, but that’s one hell of a risk you’re taking if you pick her. Just imagine, it’s your wedding night, you’ve waited all this time for it to happen, you get in bed, and she’s about as exciting as a sack of potatoes. That would REALLY suck. I think virgins should only marry other virgins. That should be a law in every state. Just so that no one is complaining after the fact and marriages aren’t ruined. I will promise to be less of a pig for the rest of the column.
-So Prince Rat scurries his way into the Sadie household to meet Dad Reid, Mother Colleen and her sisters and friend. I didn’t catch their names but they didn’t speak so it doesn’t matter. We’re better off for it. Over dinner, P-Lo is explaining the concept of the group dates to the Virgin Family. I think blood started trickling out of their ears. “You mean you went on a date with more than one woman in the same day?!!!! For the Love of God!!!! Get out of our house you descendent of the devil!!!!” I think that was their reaction. Something close to that. Ok, maybe not that extreme, but they didn’t seem pleased that Prince Satan took their daughter out then had Desiree rub her ass all over him the same day. That’s worth, like, 50 Hail Mary’s and a half hour shower with Holy water. I think.
-Once Sadie and her mom and sisters left the room, it was time for P-Zo to put on the charm with her dad. And he layed it on thick. So thick, I got queasy and ran to the bathroom. Prince Bullsh***er: “What my criteria is for my mate is someone who’s honest, a best friend, someone I can trust, loyal, compassionate, caring, loving…..” and on and on and on this went. I think he’s still talking to her dad on the phone right now. And he also threw in that he could see where Sadie gets her good qualities from. Are these two going to go bowling tonight or something? If dad bought that one, he’s as gullible and naïve as his daughter. Yep, he bought it. He can’t wait to call Lorenzo “son”. And neither can we, pops. Neither can we.
-Sadie to her mom: “He jusssssst feelssssss ssssssafe….I’d be proud of having him on my arm.” Oh, so he’s just a trophy husband to you now? Is that what you think of him, young lady? Just some Prince to troll around the streets of San Diego as some prize you won on some gameshow? Well it doesn’t work like that honey. This is real life. These are real feelings. People fall in love on this show. If you’re not gonna take this seriously, then you’re really hurting not only yourself, but Lorenzo too. This is about love, and honesty, and commitment. And you’re just laughing in the face of that with your comments. I’m hurt. I just wish sometimes people would take this show a little more seriously, you know? Really eats me up inside. I hate watching people’s hearts get trampled on. Somehow I managed to write that without splitting an intestine.
-So Insincere Sadie takes Lorenzo for a walk on Moonlight Beach to seduce him. Wow. She’s really letting her guard down. I thought for a second that maybe this was the night it was going to happen. This was it. Perfect setting, they’re all alone on Moonlight Beach, she has Lorenzo to herself, and all I kept thinking was, “I think this is where she might just touch his weiner.” Nope. Didn’t happen. At least, not that we saw. They just laid down on the sand and started to bad kiss each other. You’d think after three or four shows this guy would get better. Uhhhh, not quite. He’s still a complete spaz. The royal family should be embarrassed by this pud.
-Commercial. Apparently the top story on the local news tonight is Ryan Phillippe and Reese Witherspoon are done. You’re kidding, right? This is the lead news story? Not that crazy Korean guy testing out bombs? Not anything going on in Iraq? Not that LC is taking Kristin Cavalleri’s sloppy seconds yet again and dating Brody Jenner? What’s this world coming to? A Hollywood couple broke up? No way! That never happens. Look, anyone that is surprised by any Hollywood or celebrity couple breaking up should be checked out. They all break up. All of them. And if they’re not breaking up, there’s a mutual agreement that they’re allowed to sleep around and do whatever the hell they want. It’s Hollywood, people. Comes with the territory. Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson have been married for what? Over 15 years now? And you mean to tell me that the guy who was once the #1 actor in the land for a good five years running, never, ever, EVER slept with anyone else? If you believe that, I have some land to sell you off the coast of Antarctica. They all cheat, they all sleep around, let’s just accept it and move on, and not make it our lead story on the news. Two good looking people like Ryan and Reese didn’t make it? Shocker.
-Time for Lisa’s hometown date in Portland. Now, I don’t know if any of you know this, but Lisa has a timeline for her life. Yeah, no kidding. She just happened to mention it for the 1,569th time this season. Lisa: “I’m 25, and I have my whole love life planned out.” Really? You don’t say? Well, this is news to us. Please, tell us about it. Boy, they really hammered home that point last night, didn’t they? I’m guessing they did that to seal her fate. Unless Lorenzo is actually really on the show to get married, then he’d pick her. But he’s not, so, I’m guessing she doesn’t win. That leaves two possibilities. Well, three if you include Host Chris.
-Lisa’s friend Allie comes over with a wedding dress to just drive that dagger in a little deeper. Lisa acts completely embarrassed that her friend did that, but, “Oh gosh golly darn geez…..might as well go try it on.” Uh huh. Sure that wasn’t planned out. So while she’s gone, Allie being a great friend, asks Lorenzo, “So has she talked to you about her timeline yet?” Which made me realize, we’ve all heard about Lisa’s timeline, the producers have all heard about Lisa’s timeline, they keep drilling into our heads that Lisa has a timeline, but up until best friend Allie ratted her out, Lorenzo didn’t know. Granted, I’m sure he would’ve picked up on it by looking at her magazine collection sitting on the table, but still, he didn’t know up until that point that we’ve seen. Did you see those magazines? “Modern Bride” “Get Married Immediately”, “Weddings and Gowns”, “Your Timeline is Running Out”, “If He Doesn’t Commit - Force Him To”, and “JUGS”. At least, those were the ones I saw.
-So with Lorenzo being completely weirded out now, he gets to go meet the family. This should be a hoot. So he meets Dad Fred, Mother Tina, and brother Alex, who is a wannabe Freddie Prinze Jr. Oh, and I’m sure Freddie and Sarah Michelle Gellar will be breaking up shortly as well. Only a matter of time. Dad Fred makes the understatement of the year at dinner. Fred: “My daughter is a planner…she makes lists of things she wants in her life.” Shocking to hear, honestly. Never would’ve thought that from Lisa. Must come from great parenting there, ol’ Fred. Great job with Lisa. Be proud. While Lorenzo is off hitting on Lisa’s mom, Lisa shows Dad the earrings she got on the first night. “These are 2.5 carats and cost $15,000 dollars.” How does she know? Is the price tag still on them? I think that’s the first time this show has ever mentioned the price on any of the jewelry given away. So either ABC told her how much those cost, or when she signed up to do the show, she made a list of the only acceptable earrings she’d wear. I’m guessing the latter.
-Lisa’s mom is a Pilates instructor, so while Lisa is upstairs figuring out a way to hock those earrings on Ebay, Mommy Tina is giving Lorenzo a Pilates lesson. Either that, or she was practicing the Kama Sutra with him. Good Lord. Back off Mom. Lisa is the one that needs to be impregnated by him. If Lisa sees you raping her date, there might be hell to pay. Especially since its nighttime, she’s horny, her clock is ticking, and Lorenzo has to leave soon. You think you and pops and little Freddie Prinze Jr. there can go for a walk or something? Lisa has some serious business to take care of while her eggs are fresh and flowing downstream. Leave now, or there’ll be hell to pay.
-The parents didn’t leave, Lisa is still fuming, and Lorenzo tries to ease the tension by telling Lisa’s family the exact same line he gave Sadie’s. “I can see where Lisa got her charming qualities from.” Very original Prince. You had a whole day to think of something different, and that’s what you came up with? You do realized this show is being filmed, right? You realize we’re all gonna see you say the exact same thing to two different families, right? Ok, just checking. So you’re an idiot. Got it. Hey, at least you know. So, with the parents still not leaving, Lisa takes Lorenzo outside to try and hump on her front lawn. They kiss. But that wasn’t enough. Lisa: “I want more kisses than that.” You do? Are you sure? Because, well, he’s not very good. Actually, he sucks. And last time I checked, you couldn’t conceive through French kissing. But maybe there’s a new study out that I don’t know of.
-As they head to commercial, they tease comments from Erica coming up. She’s laying naked in a bubble bath, rubbing her inner thigh, and talking about Lorenzo’s choices. Is this porn? When was showing some slut double clicking her mouse in a bathtub considered acceptable viewing on network television? And they kept teasing this every single commercial break, which obviously only meant one thing - we’d be completely disappointed by the results. And we were. What a screw job ABC pulled on us. They are really hyping Erica up to be something she’s not, which is interesting. I actually believe that Erica isn’t acting and this is actually how ditzy and jaded and shallow she is, but most people think it’s all an act, so continuing to tease Erica coming up at the end of the show probably infuriated a lot of people. If you’ve read any interviews that Erica’s done since being booted from the show, you’d know that this girl is completely crazy and truly believes every word that comes out of her mouth.
-Time for Jen’s date in Miami. She got dressed to the nine’s to meet up with Lorenzo as she had on a tank top and a camouflage army cap on. Yeah, I know it’s sunny in Miami, but I wasn’t too down with the army cap. And it wasn’t until this show that I realized something I hadn’t recognized in the first four weeks of this show. Jen’s a real chatterbox, isn’t she? Probably the most normal girl left and seems somewhat down-to-earth, but man, she didn’t shutup the whole date. When did this happen? Maybe I just haven’t been paying attention the first half of this season. Or maybe I’m just looking for some fault with every girl on here. That could be it. I’m used to doing that. Ok, so of the four remaining girls faults, Jen’s is probably one that you could overcome. No sex? Yikes. Timelines? Blech. Doesn’t speak the language you speak? Deal breaker. I can deal with Jen. Pick her, Lorenzo.
-These two decided to go fishing before meeting the parents. Wait, is Byron producing this show now? Who wants to see these two fish? I certainly don’t. Jen ends up catching a baby shark and kisses it. And wouldn’t you know it, it kissed better than Lorenzo. Ba-dum-pump….Hey now!!!! I’ll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waitress. Anyway, they throw the baby shark back in the water, because I think Lorenzo got jealous that Jaws seemed to have more sexual chemistry with Jen than he did. So what he do? He kisses her right there on the boat, she seemed to want no part of it, and proves me right. He is painful to watch.
-The rest of the date with Jen and her Dad Dennis and Mom centered around her dad being a redneck lunatic who carries guns. This was kind of ridiculous and overbearing if you ask me. Ok, we get it. She’s your only daughter, you’re very protective of her, blah blah blah blah. Are we honestly supposed to believe that this guy will blow somebody’s head off if he doesn’t like the way they treat his daughter? Really? That’s allowed? You can just kill someone nowadays if you don’t like them? Please. Totally ridiculous. The producers probably told him to show Lorenzo his gun collection, and Lorenzo was told to look scared. I was offended by that whole scene. Not the least bit believable nor convincing. Stupid. Why couldn’t we have seen Jen and Lorenzo getting it on her bedroom or something over that nonsense. Just with no kissing. Everything else though. I’m done talking about this date since nothing else happened other than Dennis cocking his gun while talking to Lorenzo.
-Here is exactly what I wrote last week after P-Lo gave Ahn-YAY-zay her rose:
Ahn-YAY-zay: Watching him interacting with her parents next week might make for a good laugh or a 1,000.
Let me change that. Make that 10,000 laughs. And it started out with Lorenzo giving us his feelings on Agnes right away. “Agnese does have qualities I’m looking for in a future wife.” Yes, I agree. She does. Except she’s missing that one very, teenie, weenie, little minor quality that may or may not be salvageable in a relationship. She doesn’t speak English. Just for the record, I emailed someone yesterday morning and said, “Whenever he decides to kick Agnese to the curb, he will do it by complimenting her 1,000 times, but then in the end he will say it ultimately comes down to the language barrier, and that’s something he can’t get past.” You mean the language barrier that was there the very first day you met her? That one? Did he think she’d become an English major in a week? You’re an idiot, Lorenzo.
-Agnese: “I deed note es-pect to fill dis way bout Lorenzo, but I’m folling for eem.” Poor, poor girl. Someone jump in and save her before she gets hurt by this turd. Please, someone speak to her. Agnese: “Now we are 4 girl, and next rose ceremony, one girl go home.” Hey, at least they’re telling her the rules of the game now. How nice of them. Psssst…..someone go tell her that if she can last one more round, she gets to sleep in the same bed with him and have kinky sex, Italian-style, all night long. Or whatever it is those Italians do. I’m Italian by the way. Moving on…..
-Agnese is trying to explain to the Prince that she’s jealous of the other girls and that she doesn’t like him dating them. Nope, they didn’t explain to her that this is how the show goes. Damn them. P-Zo: “I just know that when its time to make a decision, I have to make one. Does that make sense?” Yeah, sure it does. She reads you loud and clear, pal. Lorenzo, this woman barely knows she’s being taped for a TV show, do you honestly expect her to believe she understands what goes into your decision making? You’re a real buffoon, you know that? What’s your problem?
-So these two decide to take a gondola ride in Venice. Oooooohhhhh perfect. Ever been on a gondola ride? They serve you cheese and bread and crackers while singing to you. Lorenzo will be like a lab rat on steroids having a whole basket of goodies in front of him. Now, technically on the gondola ride, you’re supposed to kiss every time you pass under a bridge. These two ignored that and just spent most of the time kissing. And it wasn’t very good, per usual. But the Prince had no problem shelling out the cheesy one liners. “Venice is beautiful, but Agnese was the most beautiful thing there.” If I were the gondola rower, I would’ve flipped these two over and swam to shore.
-So he meets Dad Roberto and Mother Paula. I think that was her name. I will say this about mom. She beared a striking resemblance to Mick Jagger. Lovely woman. No one in Agnese’s family speaks one word of English, except her dad. And he barely speaks it. Oh boy. Good times coming. Through Agnese’s translation, they asked how long he lived in Italy. “I lived here until I was two. Then I moved to New York. Any of you been to NY?” That question was met with a chorus of blank stares. The kind of blank stares you get when a strange rat walks into your home followed by a camera crew talking a language to you that you don’t know a word of. Needless to say, this was a very uncomfortable hometown date.
-Lorenzo tried to talk with Dad outside, but that went pretty much nowhere. Lo’: “Do you understand me?” Dad: “Ehhhhh, notta so much, ah.” This is really good times all around. Why is he here? Why put us through the pain of watching this? It’s almost embarrassing, really. This Italian girl that was forced upon him, that he willingly, or unwillingly, chose to keep around, is being made a spectacle of in front of her family. You know what’d be really funny? If on the “Women Tell All” episode, Agnese spoke perfect English and she was playing all of us. I think I’d get a kick out of that. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to happen. But it’d be damn funny if it did.
-During dinner there were more blank stares, a couple smiles from Mick Jagger and the crew, and Dad actually being impressed by Lorenzo. Dad: “His Italian side came through even though he can’t speak Italian.” It did? When? Did I miss it? What Italian side? This guy couldn’t be more American if he painted his face with the American flag, wore American flag boxers, and wore an American flag bandana. Italian, he is not. Then Agnese’s family ventured into the world of the surreal by dancing around the house wearing masks. I didn’t know what to make of this other than to say I was frightened. I think that was there ritual to try and turn Lorenzo more Italian. Didn’t work. But he did give your daughter some goodbye tongue on his way out the door. I’m sure she appreciated that. Hey, here’s my tongue. No rose for you.
-Time for the Rose Ceremony. Pretty anti-climatic at this point. But let’s proceed, because Lorenzo has a pre-rose speech to make. “I’m speechless….very difficult…..best girls I could’ve picked…met your families and I was blown away….it’s gonna hurt, but, I’m sorry…..I have to. And Agnese, your family had me dancing around in a mask. Totally creeped me out.”
Sadie: Is there a reason the other girls were dressed rather formally and Sadie had a sun dress on?
Jen: Lorenzo isn’t afraid of guns and redneck dads who carry them.
“Ladies, Lorenzo…this is the final rose tonight….when you’re ready. And hurry your ass up. It’s raining, it’s cold, and we have footage of Erica still to show.”
Lisa: I think Agnese just did the math in her head and realized, “4 girl, 3 rose. Me go home.”
-And once again, my prediction came true. Lorenzo’s final parting words to Agnese about why he let her go. “Agnese is very attractive, I enjoyed my time with her, but the #1 thing you need to grow in a relationship is communication, and we didn’t have that…..So as a parting gift, I bought you some ‘Hooked on Phonics’ tapes to brush up on your English. Call me after you’ve completed the 1st section.” Lorenzo was very broken up about letting Agnese go. He cried. And so did I. But mine were tears of joy that this abortion of a show is almost over.
-Next week, we see Prince Crier confront Lisa about her timeline. Apparently three weeks before she auditioned for the show, she broke up with a serious boyfriend back home. Yeah, that’ll do wonders for her chances. And they tease that “Sadie’s virginity is put to the test”. YESSSSSSS!!!!!!!!! It may finally happen. I can just feel it. ABC is teasing us with sex next week and I just know they’re going to deliver on it. They always do. Especially with a virgin who’s known a guy for a whopping month. Can’t wait for that c**k tease to happen.
-So while the credits are rolling, we get one final clip of Erica babbling about the remaining three girls. “Jen and Sadie are vanilla milkshakes….Lisa is like the same milkshake but maybe with some cinnamon sticks and chocolate sprinkles with a dab of beer….I’m a champagne flavored milkshake.” I was just waiting for her to break out with how her “milkshake brings all the boys the yard”. Go away, whore. It’s safe to say that your 15 minutes have run 14 minutes and 59 seconds too long. Happy Halloween! Until next week…..
The Bachelor Links
posted by reality steve at 8:30 AM
12 Comments:
I watched a little of the show- (being that I have seemed to have missed the last two). but I've been reading on here, 'the comments' that the guy can't kiss, or he looks like a bad kisser' well NOW I know what you all are talking about- I saw him kiss three gals last night, and MY LORD.. someone pull that man into 'kissing 101' his thin lips don't move at all, and it just doesn't look like he's kissing kissing very well, no mouth open, no tongue action, yuck! You know what they say- A first kiss can make or break a deal!!!! It's a deal breaker! I can't watch this stupid show any longer!
I thought last night while watching the show that you would certainly comment that Sadie's family had only ice water with lemon at dinner and not the ubiquitous wine everyone is slurping throughout the show. Prince Lorenzo is a hundred guys I've dated over my lifetime (since I'm a Bachelor viewer in my 50'a), and he's worse than any Bachelor except Dr. Dork last go-round. No chemistry (except with ag-KNEE-SE), no romance with anyone, and if I had to be kiss at the Trevi Fountain by that guy, I'd swear off Rome forever. Great job on the satire!
Great recap as always Steve. I have another theory on his dumping of poor Agnese (who, language be damned, was the one I'd most prefer to end up with). It had to do with Agnese's little sister Angela. That filly was smokin' hot!! I think that P-Lo realized that if he chose Agnese he'd end up wanting to bang the little sister as well (perhaps a family threesome) so he had to let her go to prevent an international incident.
Steve- saw your MYSPACE, you're HOT!
No kidding!!!! OMG!!!! This whole time I've been reading the column and I've never really know what RealitySTeve looked like. And I wasn't disappointed :) !!!! I HAVE to date this guy!
Haven't even read I am sure your hilarious take on the Bach last night since I was soooo excitied about you being on MySpace. Being 31 myself I gave in too the pressure of reconnecting with old friends, but always happy to have a hottie! Just make sure you want to be my friend! Now on too reading the update... =)
Steve, so glad i'm your first friend *wink* (and I should be..lol)
Steve you make me laugh so so hard.
The entire time I was watching the show I kept thinking...I can't wait to read what REALITYSTEVE will say about this....it was prize material...sadie's family was a bit too sweet...since they have two kids I guess the parents did it twice..but that's about it.
My 14 year old son was watching the show for the first time and he said he liked Sadie...he said even though she was a goodie two shoes sweetie she didn't seem wierded out like the others. He said the wedding chick had to go.
I don't get why an ITALIAN PRINCE wouldn't be more interested in being with a woman from his "home" country. What a poser.
I always thought of Erica as a Slippery Nipple Milkshake kind of girl.
Your recap is the best. I missed the show (due to James Blunt in Minnesota) and have to say that I could just read your recaps every week and not waste my time on watching the show. Good job and keep up the great writing.
I always enjoy your recaps, Steve, so thanks for going to all the trouble. I do have to say, though, in defense of the few people out there who were virgins when they married, that you (and all the girls on the show but Sadie) don't have a clue what you're talking about!
Remember the show when Sadie admitted to the girls that she was saving herself for marriage? Jaws dropped, shocked silence ensued and finally someone stuttered, “But, like, you know, you do have, like, sexual feelings, right?” I just loved that moment! The ignorant audacity of that question captures perfectly the spirit of our age. Surely sexual restraint can only be explained by a lack of desire, because who in her right mind would deny herself pleasure for any other reason?
In fact, the sexual tension between two people who are in love but choosing to wait is remarkably powerful. I speak from personal experience as a woman who kept my virginity until a very memorable wedding night. And since none of the thrill or passion associated with sex came from doing something we knew our parents wouldn't approve of, there was no subsequent sense of boredom when those parental restraints were removed and we could do anything we wanted, anytime we wanted.
Over the last 28 years of marriage, our sex life has become increasingly interesting and pleasurable since each year brings us more intimate knowledge of each other.
Unbridled lust undoubtedly adds a short-term intensity to the sexual experience, but an atmosphere of trust and acceptance and devotion is what makes sex even better after you've enjoyed it for the thousandth time!
Signed,
A Sadie Fan
(who's not sure the prince is good enough for her)
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