"THE BACHELOR" RECAP - 11/20/06

-Not a real long column today. Frankly, the show sucked and it seemed like there was about 30 minutes of commercials. It was no different than any of the previous “Women Tell All” episodes except, well, this one had Erica in it. And she was in rare form. The tiara, the giant cans, the nice, kind words she had for all the other women. What a treat she is. Her parents must be proud. So yes, this column is shorter than most. However, we have added some lovely pictures of last night’s action. I figured I might as well put my camera phone to use, so I took pictures of the television last night while I was watching. And boy, they came out wonderfully as you’ll see. Is there some feature you can use that kills the brightness? I couldn’t find it. Anyway, these pictures are the view I have every Monday night while watching this trash. If I would’ve opened the door to the right, you would’ve gotten a glance at my bedroom. Sorry. No need to go there. It’s a mess.

-Aaaaahhhh yes, the handsome Host Chris is in all his glory. Did they just start this season with only asking 10 of the 25 girls back to the show? I can’t even remember what they did last season. That was always one of my favorite things to do was look at all 25 of the women, knowing that only about 7 of them were going to speak on the show. And it’s always fun not remembering about 15 of the girls who appeared on the show. But no, now they only bring back the top ten to embarrass. So last night we had Kim the drunk, Sarah the token black girl, Ellen the…..(I have no idea where she came from), Gina the pouter, Jeannette the Chicaaaaaaaagan (is that a word?), Erica the hooker, Desiree the slutty mess, Jami the redneck, Ahn-yay-zay the English dictionary, and Lisa the executive producer of “The Bachelor”.

-Lisa looks exactly the same as she did when filming. Does she ever change her hairstyle? Does she ever get dolled up? Attractive girl, but very “Plain Jane” if you ask me. I wonder if that translates to her bedroom antics? Now THAT’S a question Host Chris should’ve thrown at Lorenzo. So Lisa’s up first on the “Luke Warm Seat”. Does anything really happen that bad on the “Hot Seat?” Please. I’ve never seen one “WTA” episode where we had someone getting grilled hard. Same canned laughter, same bad editing, and same girls saying the same things every season, just about a different guy. So Lisa’s sit down started out with us taking a look down memory lane of her journey on the show. Quite a journey it was. Hugged a tree, got a rose, saw all the girls hated her, showed Lorenzo her psycho apartment, tried to conceive a child in her own bedroom on her hometown date, P-Lo sends her packing, and then finally capped off with her hyperventilating in the limo trying to explain why she should’ve been the next Mrs. Lorenzo Borghese. Here’s why she didn’t win in a nutshell: She’s crazy. Crazy people don’t win husbands on dating shows last time I checked. But nice effort though.

-Lisa claims that her timeline was not that strict. That if things were to work out perfectly, then what she said on the show she’d like to hold true. But she’s not gonna marry someone just to marry someone for the sake of meeting her deadline to get back to 1985. Or 1955. Or 1885. Did you like the 3rd installment of “Back to the Future?” It was o.k. Doesn’t beat I & II though. Anyway, Lisa really is trying to convince everyone in the audience, everyone at home, and all the women on stage that she’s really not crazy. Didn’t work. I still think it, I’m sure the audience does, and I could tell the women do. So things haven’t started off too great for ol’ Leesy. She needs to lighten up on the timeline from here on out or she’ll scare off every guy who tries to put his hands on her. Which I’m sure she loves. I bet Lisa is one of those girls who not only says “I love you” to her boyfriends first, but she says it within the first two weeks. Just a guess. Very sane girl.

-Desiree and her enhanced breasts, which are pushed together perfectly for tonight’s show, has some choice words for Lisa. Desiree: “You were closed off from the beginning….you were a real catty woman.” Now, just because she wasn’t a promiscuous slut like you Desiree, doesn’t necessarily mean she was closed off. Or catty. Just means she has a life other than drinking, dancing, and throwing her legs back over her head. She is a classy lady and does not deserve to be talked about like this. Not from you, not from anyone. Leave Lisa alone. Just because she acted like a 3rd grader after receiving the first rose, and just because we got to see her in the bloopers trying to eat the rose, and just because every single one of the other women thought she was insincere, doesn’t mean she’s catty. Or does it? What the hell do I know?

-Lisa ended her time on stage with this beauty, “I’m not as crazy as I appear to be.” Which was then followed by canned laughter that seemed about five seconds to late, and was probably laughter from some bad joke Host Chris told three hours earlier. Can someone fire the editing guy for this show? Man, I hate how badly they splice up this show and try to make us think that everything happened in the order we watched it when it’s clear that it didn’t. So Lisa’s not as crazy as she appears to be? Really? Could’ve fooled me. Her craziness pretty much shined through every single episode, didn’t it? You know the #1 reason why I think Lisa is crazy? Because she was attracted to Lorenzo. First and foremost easily the telling sign that someone is a little bit loopy. That they actually thought a pud like him would not only make a good husband, not only wasn’t totally the most uncoordinated kisser of our lifetime, but, also thought that he was royalty. Lorenzo is to royalty what Tom and Katie are to marriage, which is to say, a total fraud. I set my watch at six months for those two. Or until her lawyer finds a loophole in their contract.

-Jami’s next up in the “Mildly Warm Seat”. Oh goodie. We get to re-live her journey now from country bumpkin to being made a princess for an evening. This was very hard on her. Again. Jami: “This is hard to watch. It was real. I didn’t know it’d affect me like this again.” And the crowd was right on cue afterwards with a collective “Awwwwwwww”. Nice work, stagehands. Way to flash the cue cards just in time. So if Jami is acting this way three months after it actually happened, and considering her last episode just aired a month ago, was she balling hysterically then too? And what exactly is she affected by? The fact Lorenzo dumped her, or that she had to give back the $2 gazillion dollars worth of jewelry she got to wear that night? I’m leaning towards the latter, regardless of what she said.

-Erica: “Why do you want to compare yourself to a prostitute?” Erica is referring to Jami likening her jewelry-laden date with Lorenzo to Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman”. Jami: “You are such a bitch, Erica.” Yeah, these two don’t like each other in case you haven’t noticed. I don’t think there’s a friendship between these two in the future. Call me crazy. How far is Galveston from Houston? Anybody know? Can we get a televised cat fight between these two? Of course Jami would beat the holy hell out of Erica, no doubt. Jami is like a linebacker and Erica would put out the fight of puppy dog. She’s all bark, no bite. I think they should’ve just let these two settle it right then and there. Host Chris as the ref, give them a couple white t-shirts and just ring the bell. The possibilities….

-Then they showed us a local drunk Kim on her group date getting trashed and falling over. “At least I made history, right?” And you’re proud of this? You’re proud of the fact you were seen so blitzed on national television that you thought Lorenzo was the waiter when you woke up from your drunked stupor? Yeah, I’m sure the boys are lined up around the corner for a shot at you. Where do I get in line? It’s people like this that leave no hope for the rest of all the fine, upstanding young women in America who aspire to be on the “Bachelor”. Kim, you’ve made quite a name for yourself. Let’s give a toast, or ten, and celebrate your embarrassing behavior.

-Ahn-YAY-zay’s turn in the “75 Degree Seat”. I guess I never remembered at any point this season when Agnese said, “Ahn-YAY-zay Bor-GAY-zay.” I never made the correlation myself either to how that would rhyme. Which of course, is always a good reason to marry someone. Because your first name rhymes with his last name. Kinda like “Julia Goolia”. See, those two weren’t a match for each other, and look how that worked out for Drew Barrymore. Julia ended up with Robbie and they lived happily ever after. Even if he was a wedding singer with bad hair. I’m sure a lot of you will disagree with me on this, but that was the last Adam Sandler movie that I found funny. There isn’t a bigger “Saturday Night Live” fan than me, I go way back, but Adam Sandler movies just aren’t that funny to me, and I can’t pinpoint why. He was hilarious on the show, but when I see full length feature films with him, I just don’t think his humor keeps me laughing that long. Except for the “Wedding Singer”. Great flick.

-Host Chris to Agnese: “Is that hard to watch?” Agnese: “Eye velt really somefing for heem. At zee end, I was really, really zad….Every day I beeled somefing more wif heem.” Yet again, what is she sad about? That she couldn’t spend the rest of her life with someone who didn’t speak the same language as her? Am I missing something here? These two were as compatible as oil and water. And I think it’s still a horrible joke that the producers stuck her on this show. Shame on them. Poor girl got wisked away by a couple producers to appear on a show, then is forced to live with that crazy Erica person, which will probably traumatize her for life. Hasn’t that been enough punishment for one person? Seriously. Stop the bleeding, please. She’s had enough. Keep her away from Erica, get her off TV, and let her go back to living her life as a day time soap opera star in Italy. And freshen up on that English. I’m sure Lorenzo will be single soon.

-So here’s where they bring Erica up onto the stage to sit with Agnese so they can trade barbs on how much they hate each other. Fun times. And if I could figure out where the brightness button on my camera phone is, it’d really help. Erica: “I’m perfect the way I am, why would I change for anyone?” Why? Because you’ll end up being lonely the rest of your life, that’s why. Is she the most ignorant person on the planet, or is it just me? She sees that everyone hate her, she sees that troll Kelly Ripa making fun of her week after week, and she knows she’s the laughingstock of the show, right? Either she’s a marketing genius and is gonna extend out her fifteen minutes of fame, or she’s delusional. The words “genius” and “Erica” should never be uttered in the same sentence, so I’ll go with delusional. And crazy. Not Lisa crazy, but crazy in her own way.

-So after Erica gets her way and they boot Agnese off the stage, it’s time for our lovely Princess to get her alone time on the “Not Even Close to Being Hot” Seat. We got to see clips of her ripping on all the other girls again. Just a joy this woman is to be around. If she said anything nice about anyone, I’d like to see it. That’s probably on the DVD extras we’ll never get to see. Once again, she’s in rare form. “Lorenzo has a Prince Charming Complex. He wants to find a girl from a lesser background and fulfill her fantasy.” Look honey, there is no fantasy coming out of this show, whether you want to believe it or not. And what exactly do you mean by “lesser background”? One that doesn’t include tiaras, maids, giant racks, a plastic surgeon father, and being a whore? Is that what you mean? Oh, ok. Makes sense now. Kinda lost me there for a second.

-Time for the other women to take their shots at Erica, but she seems to have a response for everyone. Desiree can’t believe Erica acts the way she does and still has friends, to which Erica responds, “I have a lot of friends who are obsessed with me and that want to hang out with me.” And these friends all remain disease free? Wow. Good for them. That’s pretty impressive. I’d like to know how they pulled that off. What would you be willing to set the number at for the amount of men Erica has slept with in her life? I’ll start it at a 100, but I think I’m being a little conservative. Why can’t we have ex’s of hers step forward to start spilling the beans about her? How great would that be? She needs to be embarrassed by other people on television. That would make for some good reality television. All she’s done is terrorize and judge everyone on this show, and no one really says anything to bring her down. Let’s get an ex out there to put her in her place. I’m guessing if I opened the local Houston phone book and just pointed, it wouldn’t take me more than three tries to find one.

-Agnese says that Erica “tried to cry on zee final date, bot she can’t, but was not true.” Whatever you say, Agnese. Just a few more years of English classes, and we’ll almost be able to understand you. Almost. Jami says she feels sorry for Erica, she’s glad she never has to spend any more time with her, and she wishes her luck in whatever her future endeavors are. I believe Erica thanked her for the heartfelt words and promised to give Jami a signed copy of her soon-to-be-released sex tape. It’s out there. You know it is. She’s too freaky for there not to be one.

-Lorenzo really kinda went a little more “feathery” on the hair last night, don’t you think? Holy Flock of Seagulls, Batman. Nice do'. Anyway, last night we got official confirmation from the Prince himself to an ongoing theme we’ve talked about all season. Lorenzo, the podium is yours. Lorenzo: “I don’t like to kiss in public.” Well, you could’ve fooled us. You look so natural in front of the camera trying to suck the life out of any woman you’re with. The ease with which you grab their face and start pecking away at it I’m sure made all the ladies swoon. You’re a true talent. Don’t let that go to waste. Fifth graders around the world are jealous of your skills. You’ve developed quite a few enemies since doing this show. Maybe none of them are old enough yet to even know what an erection is, but still, you are envied by many.

-So a few of the girls get one last chance to confront Lorenzo and pretend they’re disappointed he didn’t pick them.

Lisa: “I still don’t get why being a fan of the show was so wrong. If it works out, you’re supposed to get married.” I really don’t remember what his response was to this, I only know that it wasn’t a good one. He was freaked out by the dress, and the magazines, and the D’Lorean, and that’s why he dumped her. I think.

Agnese: He told her that meeting her family was when he realized it would be too difficult for him to sustain a relationship with her. He spoke English, and she didn’t. Neither did her family. And they didn’t even know his name. Nor get his dumb jokes. But they could dance around in masks better than any family he’s ever been with, and that’s what made his decision so difficult for him. Or something like that.

Jami: She said he didn’t give her one indication on their date that he didn’t like her. Sweetie, that’s usually the way it works isn’t it? You know, the other person is into you, you’re having a good time, then they just throw the ol’ “you’re just a friend” line out there from left field. C’mon, you should this by now. Just happened to me last week. And what a feeling that is. Nothing like wanting to crawl under a rock and hide for, oh I don’t know, about a week.

Erica: He thought she was hilarious and fun. And people have asked him if he was forced to keep her around to which he said, “No way, are you kidding? I loved being thoroughly entertained by this lunatic.” So he lied basically. Nice try, Lo’. We don’t believe a word of it.

-They wrapped up with video montages of Jennifer and Sadie’s journeys to Lorenzo’s heart. Awwwwwwww. I wonder if I’ll shed a tear or two at the finale? Ahhhh…no. They however ask all the women before they left who they think he’d pick, and by a 7-3 vote, the women picked Jennifer. Which probably means Sadie the Lisp wins. And we got to see clips from the finale where both sets of parents show up in Rome to hang with Lorenzo and his parents. Let me just say, Jenn’s dad is dressed to the nine’s. Purple polo shirt, untucked, with jeans. If only he would’ve strapped his rifle around his neck, that would’ve completed his redneck training. Until next week….

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