THE LETTERS KEEP COMING...
More letters from you readers. Thanks once again for your queries, and keep em' coming. I'm enjoying the hell out of this. Send all emails to steve@realitysteve.com, or, just contact me through the Reality Steve MySpace page at: http://www.myspace.com/StevieC24. Remember, I am not a doctor. I am here to advise, educate, and entertain. And maybe once in a while, I'll say something that makes a hell of a lot of sense. Ok, everything I say makes sense. It's just whether or not you choose to listen to it.
For those wondering where "Reality Roundup" is, it will be up sometime before Friday. So get off my ass.
Let's begin with your letters....
Reality Steve....I need your help and I need it now!! Just like the others, I love your column. We can't wait until you post your column in our office each week. Gives us something to laugh and talk about. My question is...I recently read your column about Match.com. Do you think all of the dating sites are the same? I was thinking of joining E-Harmony but I am hesitant to do so now. I am not in a relationship currently but have a small child so it is not condusive to going out and meeting someone. I don't want to pull a Britney Spears. Do you think E-Harmony weeds people out better? I am just not sure what to do. I am tired of "blind dates" and other so called "normal" avenues because they just don't work. HELP!
Dateless in Albuquerque
Dear Dateless,
I think I have said my peace about Match.com. I don't put much into it at all. Can there be success stories? Sure. But those are few and far between. I'm under the impression that the majority of the people that sign up for Match.com aren't looking for anything serious, and would just rather meet as many people as possible. As for E-Harmony, I have no idea. Never tried it, and never had any friends that tried it. The only thing I've heard is that most people on E-Harmony tend to be a little more serious about what they're after than the people on Match.com. But I could be wrong. I doubt it since, well, Match.com sucks. Yes, I'm jaded. Thank you for noticing.
And no, you don't want to pull a Britney Spears. Flashing your hoo-ha all around town probably isn't the smartest thing to do. Especially when you just delivered a baby two months ago. Do we really need that visual of Britney? Please. So whatever you do, just make sure you're wearing panties. The small child definitely will play a role in your dating life, in case you haven't realized that already. When do you let the guy you're dating meet your child? When do you tell your child about the new man in mommy's life? How often will you be able to find a sitter? To make your life simpler, if you do choose to start seeing someone, make sure they know right off the bat you have a kid. Don't spring that on them. Might be a dealbreaker. And any guy that shows any hesitancy whatsoever, dump him. It'll only get worse once emotions start getting involved.
Steve,
Are you supposed to keep your eyes open during sex or closed? I am not sure which is right because I think that closed is slightly like saying, "I am pretending you are Brad Pitt right now," but open says, "I am creepy and looking at you directly in the face, so good luck climaxing." Is there a certain time to open them or what?
I really don't care if you use my name being that 1/4 of your "friends" have my name.
Thanks for the advice.
Sarah
Sarah,
I had never thought of this before you asked. Guess I'm gonna have to find someone to go have sex with to determine what it is that actually feels more comfortable.
I'd say us men like to keep our eyes open more than the woman. It is a visual thing with us. I know for you women, you have to "concentrate" a little more to get where you need to be. So I understand the eyes closed thing. Does it make me self conscious that she might be thinking of Brad Pitt? Not really. I just know it takes you guys longer and you have to use some sort of imagination or concentration. Us? We could be screwing a watermelon, and just the sheer friction will get us to climax. That's just how it is.
Now, if its a one night stand, then yeah, I'm guessing all four eyes are gonna be closed. And there won't be any eye contact when it's done either. But the first time with someone that you like, I think the eye contact could say a lot. If she refuses to look at me, then I might take that the wrong way. And vice versa. But once you can get to the point where you don't care what you look like while with them, I guess it's all good.
Is there a right and wrong way to do it with opening and closing your eyes? I don't think so. It all depends on your partner and what you're most comfortable with. But having someone stare at me the whole time might freak me out a little bit, you're right. In fact, I would kick them out of bed if they did that. Or just have them face the other way. Ahem....
Whew. That was a lot. Great question though. I guess I need to start recording myself to figure out what the hell I do. I don't even know. I think open. But I could be wrong.
Dear Steve,
I have been reading your column for a long time now and I love it. Always have always will. I think you are the only person that keeps people watching the bachelor.
Having said that. I do have a question for you. First off, I am happily married, have a great sex life with my husband and have a daughter with my ex-fiance and a stepdaughter with my husband. My ex doesn't know that I'm married because we did it through the county clerk and filed for a declaration of informal marriage (commonlaw). My problem is with my ex fiance and father to my daughter. It seems to me like he is trying to turn his "charm" on me again. I know his "charm" and how he flirts, and he seems to think I don't understand what he's trying to pull. He thinks my husband and I are just engaged. I can't seem to find a way to get him to back off with the flirting. I don't want to tell him about the marriage. We are having a formal ceremony next year and that is soon enough for him to know. He calls me at work just to talk to me and I've tried to tell him that he needs to call when I am home so he can talk to our daughter and not to me. It doesn't seem to be getting through to him that I'm not intrested in ANY flirting with him. I'm civil to him for the sake of our daughter but that's it. He sent me a text message this morning it said, "I saw this gorgeous thing in a store window & I was gonna get it for you for xmas but i realized it was my reflection. Ha Ha Merry Christmas anyway!"
I'm wondering if there is a way to tell him to back off with the flirting and useless phone calls without being rude. I do depend on him for child support and I can't be rude about it or he won't pay the back amount he owes. Do I just have to tolerate it and look the other way? Should I just pretend I don't know what he's trying to do?
It wouldn't matter to me if he decided to stop seeing his daughter. He hasn't been to see her in a month and a half anyway (he's a long haul truck driver), but I don't think it's fair to cut him off from her because he can't keep his d**k in his pants. (We split because he cheated on me - 4 times, though I didn't know about the other 3 until after we split.)
Thanks for any insight you might have!
Annoyed in Houston
Dear Annoyed,
Quite an interesting dilemma you have on your hands. I don't envy the position you're in at all. My main question is: Don't you think telling him you're married now will stop flirting? Him thinking you're still single (even though he thinks you're engaged, in his mind, there's still a chance), is probably the main reason he's continued the flirting. So what's the harm in telling him about your marriage?You were never married to him. You don't owe him anything.
And the fact he cheated on you 4 times, well, pretty much tells me what an ass this guy is. So if your fear is hurting or feelings or whatever, forget it. Look what he put you through. Karma is a bitch. He's not a good person, obviously. He's probably just lonely and horny right now. Don't worry about pissing him off and not getting child support. He has to pay that. That's essentially what he signed up for when you guys had a kid together. And if your marriage upsets him to the point he refuses to pay, take him to court and sue his ass. He deserves it. He's a deadbeat. And that's being nice.
Maybe you should just confront him on it. Ask him why he's flirting with you. What is he looking to accomplish by doing that? If he admits he wants you back, then you basically are forced to tell him your new situation, and I'm sure he'll stop. But if you're worried about hurting him, or his reaction, or pissing him off, just remember what he did to you. You said he was your "ex-fiance" meaning you guys had a child together, were about to get married, and he cheated on you. Numerous times. He doesn't deserve sh**.
For those wondering where "Reality Roundup" is, it will be up sometime before Friday. So get off my ass.
Let's begin with your letters....
Reality Steve....I need your help and I need it now!! Just like the others, I love your column. We can't wait until you post your column in our office each week. Gives us something to laugh and talk about. My question is...I recently read your column about Match.com. Do you think all of the dating sites are the same? I was thinking of joining E-Harmony but I am hesitant to do so now. I am not in a relationship currently but have a small child so it is not condusive to going out and meeting someone. I don't want to pull a Britney Spears. Do you think E-Harmony weeds people out better? I am just not sure what to do. I am tired of "blind dates" and other so called "normal" avenues because they just don't work. HELP!
Dateless in Albuquerque
Dear Dateless,
I think I have said my peace about Match.com. I don't put much into it at all. Can there be success stories? Sure. But those are few and far between. I'm under the impression that the majority of the people that sign up for Match.com aren't looking for anything serious, and would just rather meet as many people as possible. As for E-Harmony, I have no idea. Never tried it, and never had any friends that tried it. The only thing I've heard is that most people on E-Harmony tend to be a little more serious about what they're after than the people on Match.com. But I could be wrong. I doubt it since, well, Match.com sucks. Yes, I'm jaded. Thank you for noticing.
And no, you don't want to pull a Britney Spears. Flashing your hoo-ha all around town probably isn't the smartest thing to do. Especially when you just delivered a baby two months ago. Do we really need that visual of Britney? Please. So whatever you do, just make sure you're wearing panties. The small child definitely will play a role in your dating life, in case you haven't realized that already. When do you let the guy you're dating meet your child? When do you tell your child about the new man in mommy's life? How often will you be able to find a sitter? To make your life simpler, if you do choose to start seeing someone, make sure they know right off the bat you have a kid. Don't spring that on them. Might be a dealbreaker. And any guy that shows any hesitancy whatsoever, dump him. It'll only get worse once emotions start getting involved.
Steve,
Are you supposed to keep your eyes open during sex or closed? I am not sure which is right because I think that closed is slightly like saying, "I am pretending you are Brad Pitt right now," but open says, "I am creepy and looking at you directly in the face, so good luck climaxing." Is there a certain time to open them or what?
I really don't care if you use my name being that 1/4 of your "friends" have my name.
Thanks for the advice.
Sarah
Sarah,
I had never thought of this before you asked. Guess I'm gonna have to find someone to go have sex with to determine what it is that actually feels more comfortable.
I'd say us men like to keep our eyes open more than the woman. It is a visual thing with us. I know for you women, you have to "concentrate" a little more to get where you need to be. So I understand the eyes closed thing. Does it make me self conscious that she might be thinking of Brad Pitt? Not really. I just know it takes you guys longer and you have to use some sort of imagination or concentration. Us? We could be screwing a watermelon, and just the sheer friction will get us to climax. That's just how it is.
Now, if its a one night stand, then yeah, I'm guessing all four eyes are gonna be closed. And there won't be any eye contact when it's done either. But the first time with someone that you like, I think the eye contact could say a lot. If she refuses to look at me, then I might take that the wrong way. And vice versa. But once you can get to the point where you don't care what you look like while with them, I guess it's all good.
Is there a right and wrong way to do it with opening and closing your eyes? I don't think so. It all depends on your partner and what you're most comfortable with. But having someone stare at me the whole time might freak me out a little bit, you're right. In fact, I would kick them out of bed if they did that. Or just have them face the other way. Ahem....
Whew. That was a lot. Great question though. I guess I need to start recording myself to figure out what the hell I do. I don't even know. I think open. But I could be wrong.
Dear Steve,
I have been reading your column for a long time now and I love it. Always have always will. I think you are the only person that keeps people watching the bachelor.
Having said that. I do have a question for you. First off, I am happily married, have a great sex life with my husband and have a daughter with my ex-fiance and a stepdaughter with my husband. My ex doesn't know that I'm married because we did it through the county clerk and filed for a declaration of informal marriage (commonlaw). My problem is with my ex fiance and father to my daughter. It seems to me like he is trying to turn his "charm" on me again. I know his "charm" and how he flirts, and he seems to think I don't understand what he's trying to pull. He thinks my husband and I are just engaged. I can't seem to find a way to get him to back off with the flirting. I don't want to tell him about the marriage. We are having a formal ceremony next year and that is soon enough for him to know. He calls me at work just to talk to me and I've tried to tell him that he needs to call when I am home so he can talk to our daughter and not to me. It doesn't seem to be getting through to him that I'm not intrested in ANY flirting with him. I'm civil to him for the sake of our daughter but that's it. He sent me a text message this morning it said, "I saw this gorgeous thing in a store window & I was gonna get it for you for xmas but i realized it was my reflection. Ha Ha Merry Christmas anyway!"
I'm wondering if there is a way to tell him to back off with the flirting and useless phone calls without being rude. I do depend on him for child support and I can't be rude about it or he won't pay the back amount he owes. Do I just have to tolerate it and look the other way? Should I just pretend I don't know what he's trying to do?
It wouldn't matter to me if he decided to stop seeing his daughter. He hasn't been to see her in a month and a half anyway (he's a long haul truck driver), but I don't think it's fair to cut him off from her because he can't keep his d**k in his pants. (We split because he cheated on me - 4 times, though I didn't know about the other 3 until after we split.)
Thanks for any insight you might have!
Annoyed in Houston
Dear Annoyed,
Quite an interesting dilemma you have on your hands. I don't envy the position you're in at all. My main question is: Don't you think telling him you're married now will stop flirting? Him thinking you're still single (even though he thinks you're engaged, in his mind, there's still a chance), is probably the main reason he's continued the flirting. So what's the harm in telling him about your marriage?You were never married to him. You don't owe him anything.
And the fact he cheated on you 4 times, well, pretty much tells me what an ass this guy is. So if your fear is hurting or feelings or whatever, forget it. Look what he put you through. Karma is a bitch. He's not a good person, obviously. He's probably just lonely and horny right now. Don't worry about pissing him off and not getting child support. He has to pay that. That's essentially what he signed up for when you guys had a kid together. And if your marriage upsets him to the point he refuses to pay, take him to court and sue his ass. He deserves it. He's a deadbeat. And that's being nice.
Maybe you should just confront him on it. Ask him why he's flirting with you. What is he looking to accomplish by doing that? If he admits he wants you back, then you basically are forced to tell him your new situation, and I'm sure he'll stop. But if you're worried about hurting him, or his reaction, or pissing him off, just remember what he did to you. You said he was your "ex-fiance" meaning you guys had a child together, were about to get married, and he cheated on you. Numerous times. He doesn't deserve sh**.
posted by reality steve at 6:45 AM
5 Comments:
Steve is totally hot...and I thought he was some short weeble wobble lookin guy all this time. I knew myspace was good for something...
Marisa,
You need to hook up with Steve. It doesn't have to be serious just go bang it out with him once or twice. From the sounds of his reply to the eyes closed letter he needs it.
hey steve, have you seen this yet? http://ironmitch.blogspot.com/2006/11/abc-picks-ironman-triathlete-andy.html
cheers...
just some FYI for your first letter: E-harmony charges a nice sized fee and has a VERY long questionaire to fill out. This means that most people there are serious.
Also, most therapist will recommend not introducing the new boy/girl friend until you have been dating for a year. It helps provide stability for the child. If you introduce the child to your new girl/guy after a month, spend the next 2 months together, then break up, this can become difficult for a small child to understand.
This is to the girl who is interested in eharmony. I met my husband on eharmony. He's a great guy and we have so much in common it amazes even us. When we first met it was the best first date I've ever had in my life. Neither of us paid for eharmony. He has snuck his email into his profile and just happened to be in the top 10 that they sent to me to begin with in my trial. I emailed him and it was all over from then on. We knew right away that it was right and after 3 months he proposed to me. I have a young daughter too. She's a year and a half old and he has a little girl who is 2 1/2. If I had to pay for it, I would have. That site is worth every penny they charge. Good luck and happy hunting.
P.S. Don't give up on the first date. I've heard it can take about 5-10 tries or more to find someone that you can spend forever with. I just got lucky on the first one. You will have stuff in common with every person you go out with. That's what's great about their matching system.
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