THE BACHELOR 3 4.23.03 As I wait for "The Bachelor" to start, I wrote down on a piece of paper who I think will be going home tonight (yes, I really did this). My picks to take their tired asses home are: Liz the Mess, and Mother Cristina. Liz the Mess for obvious reasons....she's a mess. And Mother Cristina, because from what I've gathered about Andy, he seems like a good enough guy that he'd never really truly get himself involved with someone who would slice his throat open with a machete at the mere thought he didn't pay attention to her for more than five seconds at any given time. I don't know. That's just me. Here we go..... -The first person we see this episode is the host. He likes to get the ladies attention by constantly banging on that wine glass with a knife. Look buddy, is that really necessary? We don't think it's fancy, we don't think it's charming....it's f#cking dumb. Just yell. "Ladies!!!! Get your asses down here!!! I got go over this sh!t with you!!!!" That's all. Very simple. He informs them of the dreaded date boxes again: 3 girls will get solo dates, and the other 3 get a group date. -I've noticed this about Andy. His complexion has gotten progressively worse since Episode 1. And his eye has gotten lazier too. Great combo. Hey, I'm no Don Juan, but the whole eye thing is beginning to freak me out. -The first solo date goes to Jen. My pick remember. I always thought she was attractive, but for whatever reason, she really stood out in this show. She's officially moved to "hot" status on Steve's Scale of Women He Has Absolutely No Shot of Landing. Those currently on that list to stalk: Jennifer Love Hewitt. Brittney Spears. Katie Holmes. Kate Hudson. Winona Ryder. Yes, that's correct. I'm 14 years old. -Andy and Jen take a helicopter over Palm Springs and stay at a house, or condo, or mansion that is literally about 20,000 square feet bigger than they really need. Two person date. No need to rent out the Crystal Cathedral buddy. All right already, we know you have enough money to feed third world countries. We get it. Oh wait. The show pays for the date. Nevermind. You suck, Andy. Can I get a loan? -Andy has reached a "comfort" level with Jen. He starts asking her about kids. She wants "2 or 3" (Right now? Let's go!). Andy seemed pleased by this answer, then again, what's he gonna say? -As Jen and Andy get massages, I have noticed this small little detail which I think makes Jen the front runner of the remaining six. I noticed it first about two weeks ago, then last week, it became a little more apparent. However last night I think is where not only I, but Andy noticed it as well. Jen's giant rack. "C's", possible "D's", and I'd be surprised if any of the other 5 are even pushing a "C". No, Mother Cristina isn't. Hers are manipulating. That wire bra, or wonderbra, or waterbra is definitely working for her. She's not that big. Trust me. -The next date box arrives and it's revealed that, surprise!!!!....Kirsten gets another solo date. Let the fighting begin....Liz: "Kirsten's like a wolf in sheep's clothing." Mother Cristina: "It's not fair she gets another group date." Liz again: "Kirsten told me she just feels like a group date would be beneath her." The show didn't start 13 minutes ago. The show starts now, baby...... -Back to Jen and Andy's date shows them eating dinner in their robes, to which Andy says, "When we get married, I promise once a month we'll eat dinner in our robes." Awwwww. Foreshadowing? That's great and all Andy, but how about a little lovin'. You know Jen's just waitin', you know you want to give it to her..... -......next scene: Andy and Jen playing tonsil hockey in the limo. Can someone please remove the microphone from Andy's esophagus please? We haven't heard this much smacking since "Joe Millionaire" took that one skank into the woods. Oh wait, that was slurping. Whatever the case, it was too loud, there's too much of it going on, and I'm getting insanely jealous right now. -Next up for her date is Kirsten as she's going to meet Andy at the drive-in. First thought: "Stranded at the drive in....branded, a fool.....what will they say....Mon-day at school....." Maybe he'll ask her to wear his ring, she'll say yes, he'll try and make out with her, she'll run away crying, then he'll get back at her by dancing with Cha Cha at the school dance. I'm sorry. Getting completely carried away here. -And just to let everyone know, Kirsten feels "totally, totally comfortable with him" on their date. Not just totally. Totally, totally. Much more sincere. -Andy asks her about the going's on back at the house. DING! DING! DING! Finally, Kirsten gets her chance to rip all the girls that hate her ass. "I think there are a couple of girls that aren't completely comitted to this." "I think a lot of the girls act different in front of you than they do in front of the other girls". Uh, yeah. Of course they do. Would you rather them act catty in front of him, or behind his back? On the sharpness meter, Kirsten is falling into the category of "Beach Ball." MENSA eagerly awaits her application. -Back at the house, date box #3 arrives. The "sucks-to-be-you-girls" date goes to Jaws, Liz the Mess, and Mother Cristina as they get to enjoy a fun day of playing tennis. Jaws and Liz are troopers and are thrilled they get to at least spend some more time with Andy. Mother C acts as though someone has taken her baby rattle. "Not fair! Not fair! Mine! Mine! Mine!" Or something to that effect. -Mother C says she can't show Andy what she's all about on these group dates. She needs a solo. "It's not fair Kirsten gets two solo dates and I haven't even had one." To be followed by, "I know the other two aren't happy about a group date but they're acting like they're fine. I'm just saying what they don't have the balls to say." There wasn't any way the producers could've stepped in at this point and eliminated her for constant complaining? Why does she think she deserves anything? -Liz the Mess, playing her role of Dr. Phil for the 10th time in 5 episodes, tries to calm Mother C down. Not happening. Liz even offers to give up her spot and just make it a 2 person date, because she "is comfortable with where she is." Uhhhh, Liz. There's not an ounce of sexual energy that emulates when you two are together. Kind of hard for Andy to spend the rest of his life with someone he pats on the head and holds hands with. -Back to the date at the drive-in. This was hugely disappointing. What's the first thing you think of on a drive-in date? "At what point are we gonna be in the back seat fogging up the windows?" Well, at least those are my thoughts at the drive in. That and, "I can't understand a damn word these people are saying." The voice boxes at drive-in's are a joke. Might as well be listening on a satellite feed from some bunker in Iraq. Do they still have drive-in's? Do waitresses really come around on roller skates to bring me my food? What decade is this? -Not only are they not making out, they're not even watching a movie. They're watching pictures of themselves growing up. Awwww...there's Andy on a little pony with one hand on the saddle and the other hand holding a cool million. There's Kirsten with pigtails. What girl doesn't have a picture of herself somewhere in life with pigtails? Kinda weird when you think about it. I've never not seen one. -Well lookie here, a high school picture of Kirsten in her cheerleading outfit. I never would've guessed our little Ms. Innocent was a high school cheerleader, would you? Impossible. The "totally's", the "whatever's", the "like's", the fact the whole football team probably had their own drive-in date with her. No way. Not Kirsten. She has further solidified the stereotype of the high school cheerleader. -Before they head out on their tennis date, Mother Cristina feels the need to tell us she's not going to enjoy this for the 6,000th time. That's it. Cut her off. I refuse to listen to her whine and moan and look old for the remainder of the show. How come only we can see this and not Andy? I can't believe the host or the producers didn't pull him aside and say, "Look. Andy. Here's a bag of coke. Get rid of this chick, would ya'?" -Last week we learned Liz couldn't dance. This week we learn she can't play tennis either. Not that playing tennis would be a prerequisite for any guy to determine his choice for a wife, but, well.....Liz is gone. I'm sorry. The sexuality of a fetus just isn't gonna work on this show. Maybe next time. -Tracy Austin's gonna play tennis and help Andy decide. Tracy Austin? She USED to be hot. In 1980. You know, I can't believe they would....wait a minute, you know, now that I look at her a little more.....damn, she's a tight little rocket for mid 40's. In fact, Tracy Austin can now be added to the M.I.L.F. list. -The tennis part of this date was just flat out lame. How does this become quality time with them? There's Liz 'tarding out trying to hit the ball without maiming herself. Jaws is thinking, "Where's the football when I need it. He'll drool if I throw him another pass." And Mommy is trying to pretend she's enjoying this when we really know playing tennis while going through menopause is making her crabbier by the minute. -Mother Cristina: "I think Tracy is helping Andy with his decision. Looks like they're having a little one-on-one about all of us." Yeah daddy. That's not the only one-on-one Andy's after. Andy and I are beginning to think alike. So in a three week span, we've seen Derek Fisher and Tracy Austin make guest appearances on the show. That's a nice little bonus. At this rate, I fully expect to see Martina Navratilova and Brian Shaw in the upcoming weeks. -Each girl gets Andy alone, which is the highlight of this date. Liz the Virgin asks him if he wanted to kiss her. This sealed her fate. I remember in 6th grade I asked Christie Mulligan to kiss me while we were on Kingdom of the Dinosaurs at Knott's Berry Farm. She did and we were broken up two hours later. -Jaws takes off Andy's watch and starts to wear it. I was wondering why this was important. Oh, if I only knew. Jaws seems to be pretty happy with herself that she got his watch off and is wearing it around. And for some reason, he tries to kiss her and she lets him....on her cheek. Either she's playing hard, hard, hard to get, or she's a lesbian. -Time for the last solo date. Who's this girl? Something named Anne-Michelle. Lame ass dinner at his place. They talk. They go into the jacuzzi. No sparks. Boring conversation. No kissing. Hey, it's my Senior Prom revisited! A very short date which they devoted no time to whatsoever. Should've been a sign of things to come. -Time to make their final impressions. Andy pulls the Mom aside and says, "You're obviously the most driven, ready, and mature one out here. So why do you think you're ready to be married to me?" And Mommy answered like a true politician, "When I came here, I was just hoping the guy would be cool. Then I met you and I realized you have all the characteristics that I like." Then she went on to name exactly none of those characteristics. Someone needs to put her out of her misery. -Time to be alone with Jaws. Just don't get too close to the water, Andy. Anyway, Jaws says, "I'm not gonna be trophy wife. If you just want someone to parade around, that's not me." WHAT?!!! Is this woman possibly that conceited? Lady, you weigh 78 lbs. dripping wet, I can shoot a basketball into your mouth, and you're playing hard to get. Trust me, I don't think Andy sees you as someone to parade around since you'd take all the attention away from him. Where in the world are you coming up with this crap? Go away. -Andy asks Liz basically the same question he asked the Mom. To which Liz replied, "That's a good question. I'm glad you asked (buying herself time to come up with a B.S. answer). Well, I love your energy and spirit......" GONE!!! Enough about his spirit and his energy. Enough of your twichting. Enough of your quivering lip. You go away too. Can't he just eliminate all of them except Jen and Kirsten and we can have the finale next week? This isn't even intriguing anymore. -Everyone's in their elegant night attire for the big rose ceremony, and Tina Cocky still has on Andy's sport watch. This doesn't sit well with the ladies. For God's sakes, it's a freakin' watch. This isn't a friendship bracelet. This isn't a Gucci watch. This isn't a promise ring. He didn't propose to her. With that said, I don't know if Tina Cocky could've been more tacky if she tried by wearing that thing to the ceremony. It was like the kid in grammar school who paraded around the fact he had filet mignon when all you had in your bag was a Capri Sun and a soggy peanut butter and jelly sandwich. -Let's go to the scoreboard. The finally tally is in and a tying in first place for most commonly used word or phrase on tonight's show with 3,786 times is Kirsten's "Totally" (applause), and Andy's "I would love to keep all six of them." Four Bachelor/ette shows, and that is by far the most commonly used phrase. Something to the effect of, "I'd love to keep them all if I could." My question: Why? I wouldn't. -It is now time for the Rose ceremony. The pre-picture conversation once again has Andy saying how "tough this decision is". Why can't for once he just say, "Hey Chris. I know who I'm goin' with. Let's do this. No stupid video messages, no last look at the "Pick Me!" photos. Let me just get rid of those two chicks who are driving me absolutely nuts." Guess not. -I'm still waiting for someone to do something original in that video message. Maybe put a lollipop in their mouth. Or maybe undress with your back to the camera and show us all how you can unhook a bra with one hand. And if any guy out there says he's some sort of master with the "one-handed unsnap without looking" trick, he's lying. No freakin' way. I just call it the "move-back-and-forth-up-and-down-as-fast-as-I-can-without-drawing-blood" trick. Until guys start wearing one daily, we will never be able to get it off as fast as you. Ever. -Buckle your seat belts ladies. Liz, pop 10 valiums. Here we go..... Rose #1: Jaws- Hope he picked her first to give her a false sense of hope. And what a lady she is, she ALLOWED him to kiss her on the cheek. b****. Rose #2: Kirsten- she winked at him before he kissed her. That means they're having sex. Rose #3: Jen - "Winnah, winnah, chicken dinnah" Rose #4: Mother Cristina - Holy sh!t. -Anne-Michelle took her loss like a grown woman. No crying. No blubbering. I like that. Good for her. Strong woman. This show won't break her. She can walk proud after this five-week performance. On the other hand..... -Holy Christ! I was kinda joking in previous columns about Liz not being able to take rejection well. "I have no feelings right now. No feelings. None. You want to see a broken hearted woman, well you got it." Yeah, no sh!t. I can't wait for the reunion show where she shows up with bandages around her wrists and a straight jacket on. Should make for some great television. I've never seen a bigger drama queen in my life. There is no way in hell that she could've possibly been that attached to Andy. No way. Hell, he didn't even kiss you. This isn't your husband of 20 years leaving you. It's the drug addicted, womanizer you've known for a couple weeks that would've treated you like garbage had he chosen you. My God. Someone help her. Someone help me. I'm falling in love with Jen and I've only seen her five weeks. -Next week is the big family date. This is good times. I get to take a break from ripping these ladies and now I get to go after their families. I can only imagine what Momma Jaws is like. As for Cristina's mom, well, if Cristina's 60, her mom has got to be pushing 85 or 90, right? Can't wait. back to THE BACHELOR 3 index page
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