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| THE BACHELOR 3 4.30.03 Well, this is always one of my favorite episodes. We get to finally see the parents that spawned these evil, catty women. And I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to watching Andy and Cristina visit the old folks home to see her parents. What a touching scene that will be. Her mom will roll the wheelchair on over towards Andy, then proceed to drool all over him, solidfying Mother Cristina getting sent home tonight. In fact, I hope that date is first. Short of Cristina unzipping her face like they did in "Cocoon", uh, I think she's finished. Let's get started....(not to be confused with MC Hammer's "Let's Get it Started", because that would be ripping him off. God knows you don't mess with Hammer nowadays. He might Gospel sing you to death). -The first date goes to Jaws. She lives in Wisconsin where it snows a lot, and people have horrible accents. Anyone who pronounces the word "about", by saying, "a boat", is already on my "People I'd Like to Beat with a Shovel" list. I can deal with New York accents to a certain extent, I'm a sucker for Southern accents, but that Midwest accent is God awful. Just doesn't sound intelligent. Now don't get me wrong, East Coasters aren't exactly sounding like Pulitzer Prize Winners either, but something "a boat" that Wisconsin/Minnesota twang makes me want to never visit those states ever. -When Andy arrives in Wis-CAAAAN-sin, he's greeted by Jaws and, would you believe it, 900 inches of snow. Being from California, I'm guessing he's none to thrilled to freeze his balls off for a day as he gets to meet Mama Jaws and Papa Jaws. I know I sure as hell wouldn't be. -She picks him up on her ATV, and they plow across some frozen lake. "Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!" Well, I think it was a frozen lake. At least I hope it was. Because if it was, there's a definite possibility we could have our first two casualties in reality show history. One crack in that ice, and they're sinking like Leo in "Titanic." Which by the way, made absolutely no sense. All these other poor saps are floating around on wood, Rose is on her little wood board, yet Leo's the one that gets fed to the fish? If I were him, the first thing I would've done was float on over to someone else's board, said, "Excuse me", then politely snaked their board from right under them. Call me selfish, but um, I don't want to go out that way. Freezing to death before drowning? That's gotta suck. -Jaws explains the reasoning behind her not putting out. "Not that I'm playing hard to get, I am hard to get." Oh, ok. Now that you say so. Do us all a favor and quit with the macho attitude. For someone who's possibly going to be married in a couple weeks, you need to stop acting like Andy owes YOU something. Imagine if they chose her for the next "Bachelorette"? My God, the show would be over in a week. The bachelor pad would turn into West Hollywood. -"I don't go out with just anyone." Funny. I didn't think you went out at all considering how frigid you are. Look, we're not asking you to be a Cristina and lick Andrew's boots for an hour every week, but c'mon. Do something. Anything. Let us know you even like the guy. Hell, let HIM know you even like him. How is Jaws going to marry Andy when she's already completely fallen in love with herself? -Now we get to meet Mama Jaws, and let's just say, the apple doesn't fall from the tree. Look at the gums on that lady. Holy smokes. It's gotta be tough to be stuck with the feature of having large gums and small teeth. I mean, what can you do? Buy a whole new set of teeth I guess, but coming from Wis-CAAAAN-sin, dental work probably ranks a good 57th on their scale of importance. -The same day Andy comes over is the same day Jaws' little sister has her first high school dance. There she is coming down the stairs. Awwwwww....so cute. Where's her date? I picked up all my formal dates at their house in high school. Had to get in good with the folks so they wouldn't hate me when I dropped their daughter off at 3 in the morning blitzed and unable to put a complete sentence together. The dude's gonna make her meet him at Denny's or what? Oh I get it. They rented one of those party buses so they can all sneak some Boone's Strawberry Hill on to get loaded. Smart move. -And how about that one prom couple who was always in your group that you found yourself thinking, "Exactly why in the world is she going to the dance with him? Who paid who here?" You could tell it was his first time ever wearing a tux because he had everything on perfectly. Every little nuiance that the Gary's Tuxedo's gave him, he's wearing. The shiny $10 piece of crap shoes were always attractive as well. To show you how cool I used to be, of the 7 major dances I went to in high school, I always had tails on my coat. Then senior year, I went big time- white coat with the tails. God help me. -Can anyone tell me why I went through the Z Cavaricchi's and creepers phase in high school? No wonder certain chicks avoided me like the plague. I think that was officially the beginning of the end for me. -Back to Jaws and Andy as they are talking much more in depth now, and she's falling in love with him. Here comes the kiss....."ooohhhh"....a whole 3 seconds on the lips. Wow. What a horrible first kiss. This could seriously hurt her chances tonight. -Andy is looking for signs from Jaws to show that she's interested. Boy do we have a sign for you, Andy. Jaws has made a little picture for you. Well, considering the art work done, I think her little sister made it using all 64 colors in the Crayola box. What the hell was that thing? It was a picture of God knows what, with the phrase, "I want you to want me" inscribed on it. My 7th grade art teacher would've given me an "F" if I turned that crap in, and she's giving it to her potential husband. "It's the thought that counts, Steve." Bullsh!t. Not when that thought is begging the other person to pick them. Stupid, stupid gift. I would've stepped on it. -Guess I was wrong. Andy loves it. And since he's accepting of it, apparently that draws Jaws closer to him, and now they're spitting into each other's mouths. I think even Jaws realizes her only hope at this point is to tongue him as often as possible. Hey, at least she's trying to win now. -Next up for her date is Mother Cristina as she brings Andy to New Jersey. "I've never had a one-on-one with Andrew." Really? And all this time I thought you were whining and b!tching because your wrinkles weren't going away. Now's your chance, honey. Don't blow it. Well, you could, and it would probably keep you on the show, but.....forget it. -"I want Andy to know about my culture, who I am." Oh, we know who you are. You're the youngest grandparent in New Jersey state history. Nope, that's not it. Ummmm....let me guess. You co-wrote the "Star Spangled Banner" with Betsy Ross. Your culture? Andy don't need to know about no stinkin' culture. And neither do we. Especially when you only have 40 minutes left on the show. -They go to some deli in NJ and she feeds him some codfish. Codfish? The guy's grown up in California, why the hell does he want that? Of course, Andy doesn't seem to be liking it too much. "If you don't like it, just spit it out!" I'm still trying to figure out which one of them uttered this phrase. -On the limo ride to Mommy's house, Cristina practically put her head in Andy's lap. Very touchy feely. Andy no like. Her aggressiveness is turning him off. Don't know why Andy's so down on the aggressiveness. Especially after spending a day with that cold fish Jaws, he should be wanting to let out all his hormones on Cristina. But he says she's forcing herself on him. Ummm, hello? Is Andy gay now? You know you're booting her next anyway. Might as well take advantage while you have the shot. Close that limo window and ask for some privacy, even though the driver will be able to hear everything that's going on anyway. So ladies, if you've ever gotten it on in the backseat of a limo, no matter what the driver says about "privacy", there is none. They can hear everything going on back there. Everything. -I've noticed Andy has to tell us every family member's name that he met. Who cares? Like I'm going to remember these people 4 seconds after the date's over. Let me just refer to them how I'd choose to refer to them. Mama and Papa Jaws, Grandma Cristina, and Cristina's brother, Vito. -This guy was classic. "Hey yo, so uh, what makes u tink you deserve my sista'?" Very nice, Mr. Soprano. Now go soak up Philly like a sponge. -"I know Cristina will make a great wife. I just don't know if she'll be my wife." Hmmmm...why don't you just say, "I love her, I'm just not in love with her." Or how about, "It's not her, it's me." Or hell, give her the old "just want to be friends" bullsh!t we all say when we never want to see someone again. Ending relationships is a lot easier than people think. You spout off one of those beauties, and you're guaranteed to never see that person again. -The next date is with Kirsten and immediately Andy starts in with, "I'm going to find out more about this ex." Good. We want some dirt. Maybe we'll get to see the ex, and he'll be watching Andy and Kirsten's date from behind bushes. Nope. We get to meet Kirsten's roommate from college. How did I know Kirsten's best friend would be someone not as attractive as her. She's one of those girls, huh? Go to the clubs, dress all hot, bring my "not-so-attractive-yet-good-enough-to-keep-around-for-conversation-friends". I read ya'. -Carly, Kirsten's friend, tells Andy that Kirsten broke it off with her ex in the summer, making it seem like that was sooooooo long ago. Yes, they broke it off in the summer. Yes, Kirsten has moved on and wouldn't be here if she wasn't serious. And yes, Kirsten and the ex are still having some of the best sex ever. C'mon. Haven't you heard, Carly? Thing called "ex sex". You can't beat it. -Carly says that if Kirsten is chosen, she'll have to sit down with her ex to finally discuss the situation. And I have no doubt that'll happen. If Andy and Kirsten are meant to be, then Kirsten will undoubtedly have that conversation with her ex. And immediately following that conversation, they'll head straight to the bedroom for one last 3 hour boinkfest. Guaranteed. -Now we get to meet Kirsten's family. Two things jumped out at me. 1) Her dad I think gave her a hickey. Jesus, pops. Quit sucking on your daughter's neck. 2) Where did Kirsten get her flavor from? Her dad's about as white as they come, and I just didn't see much ethnicity coming from the mom either. Kirsten's adopted. Gotta be. -Kirsten's father asks Andy to name something about each of the other 3 women that Kirsten doesn't have. Ooooohhhh, good question Daddy. Andy says, "Well, one of them is a little bit older...." Ah hah! Stop right there. First thing out of his mouth was that she was older. You knew it was bothering him. He called Jaws "intriguing" and Jen a "motherly figure", or was it the other way around? I don't know. I don't care. -After Andy excuses himself to give Kirsten time alone with the family, her dad says, "He's a lot more impressive than I figured. And he's a lot more impressive than some of the other guys you've brought home." Wow. Cheap shot on the daughter. Little cheerleader girl was dating low-class guys? No way. The head cheerleader always dated the guy who treated her the best and wasn't the best looking. -On the limo ride back home, Kirsten felt the need to put her hand between Andy's legs when talking to him. Yeah, maybe it was for just a second, but the point was made. "We need to continue to have wild, crazy sex and don't you dare think about screwing any of the other girls or I'll castrate you." Something to that effect. -Final date is with my Jen. As the weeks go by, I find myself getting more and more anxious around her. I'm getting more nervous, but it's like an excited nervous. She completes me. Woops, I'm sorry. I thought I was on the show for a second. -Remember when Andy went Danny Zucko on his drive-in date with Kirsten last week and had on that leather belt with the spikes? Uh, that wasn't part of the costume, I guess. He's still wearing it. Nice look, dude. He has been informed this is the year 2003, right? Just checking. -He seems to be really falling for Jen. They talk a lot, they smile a lot, they both look at each other when they talk, and he's pitching a giant tent as he's walking out to the car. C'mon. You couldn't NOT see that. -While in the limo, their conversation centers around who will clean up the feces of their dog vs. their children. Literally 2 minutes I could've done without. Exactly why was this important? -Jen's family seems normal. It's her best friend Michelle that's the whack job. Good God, leave Andy alone already. "What makes you think you're ready to marry someone you met three weeks ago?" "Well, I...." "C'mon, aren't you like thinking about this constantly?" "Well, as a matter of fact...." "I know I'd be thinking about this...blah blah blah blah blah blah..." B!tch, shutup. Kinda hard to answer your question when you constantly are interrupting him. Psycho. -Jen's mom looks like Judge Judy, and her father is a taller version of Senator Joseph Lieberman. Her brother, well, her brother didn't really look like anyone. Except maybe a pothead. -Jen's date went well because they gave each other mouth-to-mouth outside the limo in the cold. Any guy willing to sacrifice freezing his ass off for some action definitely has a strong interest. We don't do cold. -Dates are over, we're back at the mansion where the host and Andy discuss the previous week. All right. Enough. Cristina's gone, let's just get to the lame video messages and get this over with. The minute Mother Cristina stuck cod in his mouth, his decision was made. I said cod. -If her whole day with him didn't turn him off, I'm guessing Mother Cristina's video message annoucement of, "Make me Mrs. Firestone" didn't make him uneasy at all. You should've just said, "Andy, you're a great guy. I totally feel the connection between us. I'd love to continue this journey with you and I hope your feelings are the same. I would love to get a rose tonight." Then she should've removed her top. -Jaws ends her message with her new catchphrase, "I want you to want me." Well, that's great. And I want you to shut the hell up with that sappy, Jerry Macguire-esque, attention- whoreing sentence that I know is going to be said over and over and over again as long as you're on the show. So I guess we get another week of it. -When Andy takes one last look at the "Pick me!" pictures, what's really going through his mind? Is it, "Can I see myself with this woman for the rest of my life?" Or maybe, "Will she be not only my soulmate, but my best friend?" Not sure. I'm guessing it's more like, "Goddam she's fine! Bet she looks even better from behind." -After the commercial break, it's time for the rose ceremony. This show has only 3 phrases that they must play on a continuous loop when they head to commercial. It's either, "WHEN WE RETURN....", "UP NEXT.....", or, "COMING UP....". And the host says it in that lame, cheesedick, announcer voice of his. Pay attention next time. 3 phrases. That's it. -Here come the ladies to the rose ceremony. It is at this point where I realized I really miss Liz the Twitch. All the other girls seem cool, calm, and collected. I'm just missing those moments of Liz on verge of being straight jacketed if her name wasn't called. This is no fun. At least just pretend like she's there and throw a picture of her in every once in a while breaking into that cold sweat as the names are read off. I bet Liz was a nervous wreck this week just watching from home. -The host walks the girls over to the couch informing them to "watch their step." Where the hell are they, Marie Callendars? I love when restaurants do that. Every time they say that, I'm so tempted to just pretend I took a header and broke my arm in 4 places. And it's always like one step they're asking you to "watch out for". Yes, thank you ma'am. Without you directing traffic, I don't know how I made it this far in life. -Rose #1 - Kirsten. Every week she gets the first rose. She winked at him again. The sex is getting better. -Rose #2 - Jaws. Another cheek kiss. She's reverted back to her 5th grade tactics. Next week she'll probably leave a note in his jacket telling him he's cute. -Rose #3 - Jen. I think he said, "Please accept this rose." Maybe he didn't and I'm just imagining things. Well, I know I'm imagining things, but they're much more kinky and involve Jen, handcuffs, and my policeman's costume. Uhhhhh..... -Mother Cristina is devastated. "I had no clue." "I feel fooled." "You're making a big mistake." Andy says the same thing to her as he's said to I think everyone else he's let go. "This just feels right." Nice cop out, whimp. Just tell her the truth. You aren't too hip with having a wife older than your mother, your drink of choice isn't prune juice, and although you're loaded, the money spent on Depends in just the first year of marriage would be enough to put a potential child through college. -"Well Steve, Cristina seems to be holding up fairly well. He's holding her hand. He's walking her out to the car. One final hug. One final kiss. And she's on her way...." "Wait! What's this? The door to the limo closes and Cristina has had a complete meltdown! The waterworks are in full effect! She's turning into Liz before our very eyes! Oh my God! She just uttered the phrase, 'I loved that guy'". AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" Good riddance, Seahag. Until next week..... back to THE BACHELOR 3 index page |
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