THE BACHELOR 3 5.7.03 Uh oh. It's 9:00, the Laker game is on, and The Bachelor is starting. What to do? Considering the Lakers are currently getting their asses handed to them, I definitely don't feel as guilty flipping over to watch a chick show. My manhood is still intact. Whew. Is there a reason the Lakers look completely lost tonight? Did they just find out this morning they had a game? What the hell is going on here? To drown in my sorrows, time for me to spend an incredible hour of my life watching hopeless romantics pretend that they're in love with someone they met 4 weeks ago, then fake like they're going to get married someday. True love, I tell ya'..... -Andy comments on all three ladies as he heads into his one-on-one date with them. Kirsten: "I love the conversations we have....she always keeps me on my toes." No kidding. Listening to her talk, I'm always in awe of how many "like's" and "you know's" she can fit in a 30 second span. Jen: "We get along in a very calming way." I don't know what this means. I've never said that about anyone before, so looks like Andy is making crap up to sound mature. She calms him? I haven't really noticed Andy being Mr. Hyperactive. Tina: "I feel very different around her (gone), she keeps me guessing (pack your bags oh crapulous one), and I'm definitely the most curious about her (no sex= no rose)." -Andy takes Kirsten to Park City, Utah to go bobsledding. Yes, bobsledding. Screw that. I'm not about ride in a mini cart at speeds over 90 mph on ice when I have no clue what the hell I'm doing. Apparently he's testing her to see if she can enjoy herself out of her element. Ummm....what exactly is Kirsten's element? Frat parties and wet T-shirt contests? That element? I guarantee bobsledding is not the kind of bobbing Kirsten had in mind there, big boy. Bad date. -Oh, they're not alone. Olympic, World, All-American, everyone's favorite bobsledding champion Bonnie Weaver is here to help! YAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!! YAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! YAAAAAYYYYY!!!!! Thanks Bonnie! One question: Who the hell is Bonnie Weaver and what is she doing on my TV set? "Ok class, for our next question, I'm going to give you a list of people, and you tell me who doesn't belong. Derek Fisher, Tracy Austin, Bonnie Freakin' Weaver." -A very sincere, touching moment at dinner. Andy and Kirsten look like Mr. and Mrs. Firestone. All dressed up, great dinner, nice restaurant, and the moon is shining. Kirsten then proceeds to melt Andy with, "Everything really has soooo worked out for us". Couldn't have said it better myself honey. Like, for sure, Kirsten. Totally, totally agree. -Here it comes. The proverbial "I'm-having-a-great-time-with-you-but-how-do-I-know-you're-not-saying-this-to-the-others" speech. Get over it, girl. He is. It's his job to lie to all three of you and say he's only thinking about you and not the other two. When he's with you, he's comparing you to Jen and Jaws. When he's with Jen, he's comparing her to you and Jaws. And when he's with Jaws, he's thinking of what he's going to tell her when he dumps her sorry ass tonight. -Someone said this quote at dinner (I can't read my own handwriting), "I'm having the best time with you. There's nowhere else I'd rather be." If Kirsten said that, she's lying because I can name one place right off the bat she'd rather be. In his drawers. If Andy said that, he's lying too because I can easily name a place he'd rather be. In her drawers. -Andy asks Kirsten, "What was your favorite part of the day?" Kirsten: "Bobsledding." Andy: "Mine was when I first saw you." Hmmm...I wonder exactly how far down my throat my finger will actually go? -Andy: "What's your biggest fear?" Kirsten: "That I'm not gonna end up with you." Was there really any other answer to give? If she says, "Well, marriage kinda scares me a bit", he drops her quicker than he dropped his pants when they got their first alone time together. I may be underestimating Kirsten's intelligence. Maybe she is sharper than a beach ball. Naaaaahhhhhh. -Andy asks her to comment on the remaining two ladies. About Jen: "I don't know her very well." Translation: Don't you dare pick her. About Jaws: "I think she has a lot of growing up to do....I don't think she's ready for a relationship." Neither are chicks who's vocabulary rivals a teenager from the valley, and who's ex-boyfriend is still hanging around dropping hammer. Boy, I've really done a 180 on Kirsten since Episode 1. Here's the flat out bottom line on Kirsten: Kirsten is someone you take home from the club. Jen is someone you take home to your parents. -There was absolutely no suspense whatsoever when Andy handed Kirsten the letter from the "producers" about whether or not they choose to forgo sleeping in separate rooms. Sorry guys. We saw this in the "Bachelorette" when Trista banged Charlie and Poem Dork back at the hotel, and got in the wicked fight with stalker Russ. That was awesome. If we could somehow re-live that moment where Russ decided to basically end any chance he had of winning by chewing out Trista during dinner over not "opening up" to him. Good riddance, Russ. Have you officially opened the closet door yet, or are you still waiting? -Andy and Kirsten are making out on the couch back at the hotel. You know what music I wish was playing in the background right now? "Back 2 tha Hotel" by N2Deep. "Ah nah, who could it be? I just got a page and the broad wanna do me." Anyway, the most important part of this scene was one thing and one thing only: Kirsten's ass. Holy smokes. "L.A. face with the Oakland booty." Ok, I've officially warped back to freshman year with Sir-Mix-A-Lot and N2Deep references. Well, maybe not an Oakland booty, but it's definitely worth a tighter shot of. Zoom in, dammit. -Kirsten says straightfaced into the cameras, "I made up my mind before this date that I was going to sleep with him." I knew what she was referring to. You knew what she was referring to. But damn, you have to admit, that was pretty cold of the producers to just play that one sentence for everyone to hear. Could they possibly have made her look any more slutty? Yikes. -Time for Jen's date in Scottsdale, Arizona. Andy immediately starts in with, "I'm beginning to recognize more and more things that I love about her." Translation: 3 girls left, Jen is a C cup, and the other two are A's. -Because it's raining, Andy has to change date plans, so he decides they should go bowling. Hey now. Watch out. Was Carl's Jr. closed? When they get in the bowling alley....surprise!! No one else is bowling. And there's a big sign in those all-to-familiar bowling letters, "Welcome to Arizona, Andy & Jen." And if you looked closely at the sign, right underneath it read, "Congrats to Big Al for Highest Overall Score". -I was waiting for the T Birds and the Pink Ladies to show up and challenge them to a match. "Let's bowl, let's bowl, let's....rock and roll! Hey c'mon, let's get the show on the road.....We're gonna scoooooorrrrre tonight! We're gonna scoooooorrrrre tonight!" Wait...how does he?....he didn't?....did he just? Yes. I did. -Cute date. Bowling. Can't say that I haven't done that myself. Granted, I didn't make my date wear a ridiculous flourescent colored shirt, but still it's fun to do. Hey Andy, easy there killer with the perfect form. Did you forget your personalized ball along with the little wrist brace, too? And how did I know at some point he'd say, "If I get a strike, I get a kiss." Next shot: strike. I'm guessing that took about 10 takes. And why didn't they show their scores? Dammit, I wanted to see who won. Did Andy do the cheap, punkass thing and let the girl win? Ladies, we may let you win at certain games, but just so you know, it eats us up inside to do that. -Now that the strenuous day of bowling is over, these two lovebirds need to relax, unwind, and get massaged by strangers. Good stuff. Jen is on her back getting mud rubbed on her. I'm on my back, rubbing......forget it. -And just for the record, not that we didn't know this already, but Jen officially confirms she doesn't have implants during this rubdown. While on her back, we can clearly see that her breasts are not standing at attention, unlike a certain little mouse's we all know and love. Just clearing that up. -They go wash off in the shower. Not enough time was spent on this scene. I guess ABC wasn't too hip on showing soft porn at 9:30 at night. Good God. This could've easily been repackaged and shown in the wee hours of the morning on certain channels. So when does the uncut DVD version come out? -After the cold shower, Andy and Jen are in their favorite robes as Andy pulls out the ol' "wanna-sleep-together-tonight" letter. They're not real creative with this thing. It's like a resume letter that you send out when you're too lazy to change what you want to say, and you just change the name at the top. That's all this piece is. The letter is exactly the same for all 3 girls except for the name. -Time for Jaws' date in Hawaii. I could make a really lame joke about how she got lai'ed when she saw Andy, but I won't. Even though I just did. I've been to Hawaii 3 times, and never once have I gotten lai'ed. The Brady Bunch goes to Hawaii, they get lai'ed. And Peter gives everyone bad luck by wearing that stupid necklace he found. I honestly thought that Greg died in that surfing contest when I first saw that episode. Very traumatic moment for me. I got through it though. -Jaws and Andy get to play with the dolphins. I think Andy's jealous. The dolphin has gotten more action from Tina in 5 minutes than Andy's gotten in 4 weeks. Gotta suck. -At dinner, they discuss the potential for marriage. Andy begins grilling right away, "Are you ready?" "How many kids do you want to have?" "You're only 22...." "I didn't ask any of the other two these questions, so you better have some good answers or you're gonzo." -Jaws: "Are you having a hard time reading me?" Nooooooo...what gave you that idea honey? The fact it took you 3 weeks to even let him get any tongue? She better rally in a hurry because she's currently in a free fall and her rip cord isn't working. -Now's your chance honey. Here comes the "last-shot-to-prove-you're-better-in-bed-than-the-other-two" letter. Andy: "Should we go check it out?" Jaws: "Yes. I'd love to." Oh, she knows. She knows. This better be mind blowing sex because you're behind the 8 ball right now, sweets. -What the hell is this? This show is turning in to "Joe Millionaire" right before our eyes. They're drawing the curtains, yet the mikes pick up noise coming from the room. I'm just waiting for (slurp) or (Mmmmmm) to appear across the screen. Well, they didn't show much, but I can say this: Apparently Jaws is a moaner. -I forgot a phrase from last week that they use going to commercial. To go along with, "WHEN WE RETURN....", "UP NEXT.....", and, "COMING UP", we can now throw in, "STILL TO COME....." The drama is killing me. -Andy's last ditch conversation with the host once again consists of nothing important. Pretty much the same crap, "I don't want to make a mistake....", "I can see myself with all 3 girls....." "This is the toughest decision I've had to make.....", "Damn Tina was unbelievable last night....." Same ol', same ol'. -Why does Jaws always go with the pageant hair at the rose ceremony? That is not a good look. It's like she took the whole can of Aqua Net and destroyed the ozone layer. Either pull it all the way back, or let it hang down. For the 20 seconds it took me to write those last three sentences, I actually felt what it was like to think like a woman. I hope I don't start going through changes. -The host tries to get more serious with his pre-Andy speech. "Ladies, I just spoke with Andy (no, really?), and this is definitely his most difficult decision yet. As you can see, we are getting very serious now. So if you have any hesitation about getting married, please, do not accept Andy's rose." Wow. Powerful. Thank you for that. As if one of these ladies is actually going to give the rose right back to Andy. Let it go, dude. You're a game show host for christ sakes. -Can someone please brush Andy's hair? I don't need him coming to the rose ceremony with bed head. Andy then gives some yada yada speech about how thankful he is for having met each of them, and how much he's learned, and how he's now reached triple digits in number of women conquered. Just get to the damn roses. -Rose #1: Jen: Uhhhh.....you can now officially never listen to me anytime I ever say I've heard a rumor regarding reality shows. -Rose #2:.......(this dramatic pause is killing me. Spit it out already): Kirsten. Damn, I'm good. You might all want to go back in your email archives, pull out Episode 2's review and see that way back when, I picked Jen and Kirsten in the Finals. What does that get me? Absolutely nothing. -Tina is not so fabulous anymore. Na na na, na na na, hey hey hey, goodbye!. Andy pulls Jaws aside to give the final "I'm-going-to-say-a-bunch-of-nice-things-about-you-before-I-get-back-to-the-much-hotter-women-in-the-other-room" speech. Jaws isn't crying. Jaws isn't even listening. "Uh huh....Yeah....Ok....Uh huh". Great reaction. Yeah, she seemed into him. -When Andy shuts the door to the limo, he gives the greatest impression of someone pretending to care and crying I've ever seen. Bravo, Andy. Bravo. Encore, encore. -Jaws says Jen and Kirsten had the final two roses heading into the one-on-one dates and it was her job to try and steal one away. Translation: The sex wasn't good enough to win him over. "Being barefoot and pregnant on a vineyard is not for me." What a cheap shot. When did he ever ask you to be that? So what you're saying Jaws is that if Andy would've ended up giving you a rose, you would've turned it down? Yeah right. Have a seat next week with the 22 other losers. You're not fabulous, you're not God's gift, and feel free to eat 3 square meals a day. Food is good. -Next week, the reunion show with the 23 losing women who all get to gossip about Andy. The "Bachelorette's" reunion show was one of the best ones yet. Apparently, Kirsten will have some words for a few of the ladies who talked behind her back for 3 weeks. And this makes Liz cry. Oh God. I thought I had completely rid myself of her "post-Andy dumping disorder", but apparently not. Should be a doozy. Until next week..... back to THE BACHELOR 3 index page
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