THE BACHELOR 3 5.14.03 Let me just start off by saying I'm still reeling from Rotund Bob being named as the next "Bachelor." This had my mind spinning all day yesterday. Look, Portly Bob has definitely been one of the more interesting bachelors to ever appear on these shows. In fact, the guy actually has a personality and he's funny, I'll give him that. But, if you had never watched the "Bachelorette", and you saw Bob's Big Boy walk into a club, your head would not turn twice. I think a lot of people are enamored with the total package that Pudgy Bob has to offer, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I'm just shocked they chose that guy to be the next "Bachelor". So what did I do? I started filling out my online application for "Rich Guy/Poor Guy" yesterday immediately. Basically the same premise as "Joe Millionaire"- except there are two guys and, well....one guy's rich and the other guy's poor. They just don't know which one is which. Tricky, I tell ya'. But since Wobbly Bob is the next "Bachelor", it definitely wouldn't hurt to fill out that application as well. I can only imagine getting on that show, then having some 27 year old prick write sh!t about me every week. Should I really be doing this? What if I'm offending people? Man, am I getting a conscience? Uhhhhh....no. Ok, enough babbling. Let's begin with last night's episode of "The Bachelor: The Women Tell Us Absolutely Nothing of Importance Whatsoever"..... -How bad was this show? The "Bachelorette's" Reunion Show was much more eventful than this crap. They play this thing up like there'll be catfights, women will be crying, all these dirty rumors will be coming out about Andy and his coke addiction, etc....and what do we get? Tina telling us she's still fabulous, Amber telling us she's not a drunk, and the worst canned laughter a show has ever had since the days of the Scooby Doo and Friends. What a waste. -Immediately when they introduced every girl by name with the crowd continuously clapping for them, the first thought through my head was, "Ok, how many of these 23 failures will actually speak tonight?" I set my over/under at 7. However, the over/under on the top row girls was 1. We'll check back later on to see if I was right. -First girl up to get grilled was Jaws. She's looking dapper tonight. The recap video shows her cheek kisses, her playing hard to get, her wearing that stupid watch, her cheek kisses, her playing hard to get, her cheek kisses, and then it ended with her playing hard to get. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the most fabulous of them all?" "Why, it is you, Tina." (That was a re-enactment of Tina looking in the mirror every single morning). -Then it shows Jaws getting booted and we see never-before-seen footage of Kirsten scowling, "I can't imagine Tina feeling fabulous right now." Oooooohhhhh, gotcha. Clever one there, Einstein. How many retakes you think it took ol' brainiac to come up with that one? 10? 15? -Tina says "Tina Fabulous" has become so popular, "I can't go anywhere anymore without being called it. It's kinda hard to swallow." That's not what it sounded like behind the curtains in Hawaii with the cameras rolling and the microphones turned up to full blast. Tina's just digging herself deeper right here. -Host asks her about Mother Cristina's comments where she said she's had enough of Tina and has to get away from her. Of course, this is the point in the show where it officially becomes a love fest. Why didn't all these chicks just start tonguing each other the way they refused to stand behind anything they said? Mother Cristina: "I'm so sorry. It was a very stressful time. I didn't mean it." Sure you did. You're only sorry they aired it, Seahag. Go fetch Wimpy a couple more hamburgers and he'll pay you back on Tuesday. And tell Brutus to stop outweighing Popeye by 200 lbs. and repeatedly getting his ass kicked. I never understood the whole spinach thing either. How was it always readily available whenever he was in trouble? And how did he eat it through his pipe? -Questions from the audience now. Great. I'm sure these weren't rehearsed before the show. First question: "Where did you learn to throw a football 40 yards in stillettos?" Awwww Christ, here we go again with this crap. You know, I've come up with the real reason Andy dumped Jaws. Not because of the cheek kisses, or the conceited attitude, or the small breasts. Nope. None of that. Tina thought by playing the "sports card" with her football throwing, she'd get in good with him. Let me tell you something. Guys don't want women that know a lot about sports. Guys just want women that will tolerate them watching sports. Most guys are intimidated by women who know what they're talking about when it comes to sports. We just want you to be a casual observer, cheer for the teams we like, and never approach us for anything in the last 5 minutes of any game. If you can do that, you'll be a great wife. -Host's final question to everyone: "Is she fabulous?" Reaction: "Yeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!! Woo Hoo!!!! Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!" My reaction: "Hell no. She's a stuck up primadonna with a giant overbite." -Now it's Liz's turn on the "hot seat". More like the "I'm-going-to-pretend-that-the-show-has-really-changed-me-as-a-person-but-in-all-reality-I'm-glad-this-crap-is-over-and-I-only-did-it-to-add-to-my-resume-tape" seat. That seat couldn't have been less hot if Rosie O'Donnell was sitting on Penny Marshall's lap. -Recapping Liz right now. Damn is this painful. I still can't believe some of the things this twitch said, how much crying she did, and some of the absolute idiotic facial expressions she gave. This deserves some sort of nighttime Emmy for "Overdramatic Performance in a Reality Television Show." The only previous winner of this award was Amaya from "Real World: Hawaii". Has that woman stopped crying yet? I swear to you, I turned on the "Battle of the Sexes" on MTV for not more than 13 seconds, and there was Amaya bawling away over nothing again. Calm down. Colin will never, ever like you again. -Unbelievably enough, Liz is still whining about not getting to go on a solo date with Andy. Is she serious? Maybe there's a reason he didn't go solo with you Liz, ever think of that. Could've had something to do with he found the other girls more compatible, could've been he also found them more attractive, or it could've been that you're a walking train wreck who has the emotional stability of a 1st grader. -Liz: "I'd never been on a date where a guy didn't want to kiss me." Wasn't that your first clue, honey? Actually kissing her probably would've been the only way to shut her up on the dates. "You know, I'm really into you. You have this energy about you. You're so attractive, you're confident, you're....." "Shutup and come here." (Slurp). Liz's thoughts: "He likes me. He likes me." Andy's thoughts: "For the love of God, I hope this does the trick." -Liz says she falls for guys very quickly. Really? Next thing you'll tell us is the Pope is Catholic. Or that there are 7 deadly sins. Or that grass is green. Or that the host is a complete dork. Or that the girls on the top row all have great personalities. How many of you are willing to bet that Liz has been to therapy at least 100 times in her life? -I never thought that her being a vegetarian and eating a piece of meat for the first time in 12 years would ever be that big of an issue. But there they were last night, harping on it like she freakin' walked on water. Actually, Liz's exact quote was, "I don't know what happened. We're eating and all the sudden I look over and there's a piece of meat right there by my face." Probably the most sexual thing that woman's said in her 25 years on this planet and she didn't even realize what she was saying. Pathetic. -Mother Cristina now takes the stand. This should be good. She gets things off to a rocking start with that horrible looking top which makes her look 8 months pregnant. Then again, maybe she is. Mother C is still b!tching about being led on by Andy and is still completely shocked she got the boot. She said Andy lied to her because he'd always tell her where she stood with him yet she didn't get any vibe he was dumping her the night he did. Wow. Hey, can someone help me out here? When did they pass that bill which states guys are not allowed to lie? Is this recent? -Mother Cristina: "I told Andy, 'You have my heart. Please be gentle with it.'" See, no wonder he ended up breaking Cristina's heart. When guys hear, "Please be gentle", the first thing that comes to their mind is NOT anything having to do with your heart. We're thinking, "Does that mean I have to go slow?" "Is she saying that so she doesn't seem slutty?" Or "Awwwww man. I hate cuddling." -Uh oh. We've hit our over/under from the top row. Someone has spoken. It's the cross eyed, fat, beauty pageant chick. Hey I know you. What's up? Back to hostessing down in the South. Good for you. Aim high, sweetie. She asks Cristina, "What makes you feel that you were better than any of the rest of us?" I don't even know what Cristina's answer to this was. I was too busy figuring out how hard of a blow to the head that beauty pageant chick would have to take to knock those eyes back into place. -Some unknown in the front row, when asked whether or not she felt the producers portrayed them correctly, "If America wants to judge you based on 5 seconds, that's their problem." Thank you, Missie. Don't mind if I do. And frankly, I think it's a healthy problem. -Now it's Stuart Little's turn in seat where softball questions are lobbed by the pansy waist host who's loafers are looking mighty light tonight. Stuart immediately denies she's a drunk. We all know that the first step to accepting who you are is denial. Not good, Stewy. Not good at all. You can't be on a show for 2 weeks, get plastered on 2 different occasions, puke in bathrooms, lay your head on other women's laps, and not claim an AA meeting is in your future. Doesn't happen that way. -They talk about her ice skating date where her and Andy said 4 words to each other outside the riveting Olive Garden conversation. Stu says she couldn't open up because she just couldn't get used to the cameras being around her. At this point, and I hate to admit he and I think alike, but the host echoes what I'm thinking, "You did realize this was a television show, right?" Is Stuart all right? Did someone feed her a 7 and 7 before the show started? How many drinks in is she? -Best moment of the night easily was re-living the Olive Garden conversation. The host even gave her a chance to backtrack about what she said, and this 'billie not only doesn't backtrack, she adds on to how much she likes the O.G. "I'm sorry. I like the Olive Garden. I go there at least once a week." Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa Stuart. More information than I need to know. "I guess I don't know what real Italian food tastes like." Well, I tell ya' what I'm gonna do honey. I've got a mean Italian saus......forget it. -The next 15 minutes was the producers trying to bring up stuff the girls said to each other that would maybe start some sort of naked catfight. This failed miserably. They show clips of girls talking bad about the other ones, only to have them come back live, and have all these girls apologizing and continuously throwing the line of the night, "It was a stressful situation." -Tina from Tennessee's clip is her saying that, "A lot of the girls are fake. I'll hear them say one thing, then Andrew says something completely different and they say, 'Oh me too'". C'mon Tina. You can't fault the girls for this, can you? Every couple goes through the "me too" phase. You know, in the beginning when you don't want to walk out on the date in the first 3 minutes when you realize you have nothing in common with this person, only to say "me too" to everything out of their mouth? "Well, I keep a collection of all the scabs I've had over the years, I like to add pencil shavings to my dinner salads, and periodically I like to hang out at the jungle gym in the local parks and slide down the spaceship with the other 4 year olds." "Awwww really? How cuuuuuuuuuuuute. Me too." "Me too" translated means "I can't believe I got set up with this sadistic, side show, whack job". If you ever hear your date say it, assume they've never done it and never will. -Time for video messages from the two remaining girls. Jen's is first. "I wish I was there with you guys." Huh? Uh, Jen. Don't you want to win this thing? Being there with them means that Andrew kicked your @ss to the curb and went with someone else. Take that back. -As for Kirsten's message, she tried to be nice and sweet, threw out the ol' "I've heard some of the things that were said about me, and I'm really shocked" line, but then followed up with the B.S. of, "but I understand this was a competition, we were all after the same things, blah, blah, blah" Did I mention this show sucked? Why couldn't she just have said, "Hey ladies, y'all's sorry @sses are sitting watching me now because I'm gonna be the next Mrs. Firestone. I don't give a rat's @ss what you said about me because I'm 4 days away from becoming a gazillionaire overnight, I'll never have to telemarket for the rest of my life, and I'll be popping out kids like it's going out of business. Punk @ss, catty, little wenches. I hope I never see you twitch again Liz, I hope they never find a cure for your arthritis Cristina, and as for you Tina, you may have his watch, but I'm wearing his pearl necklace." I think that would've riled a few feathers. -More chicks commenting on their experience and here comes cross eyed, fat beauty pageant girl again asking some nonsense about what did everyone take from this experience. Who made this chick the MC of the event? Why is she asking questions like Alex Trebek? Mind you, this is the girl that said she'd win because she'd won beauty pageants before. Sure, honey. Pagents my @ss. The only thing it's look like you've won are unlimited trips to the buffet line. -Before we head to our last commericial break, the host asks Jaws and Mother Cristina who they think should win, and who they think will win. Nice editing job here. By that question, we're supposed to get two answers from each girl. Instead, we get "Jen" from Jaws, and "Kirsten" from Mother C. Ummmm...that wasn't the question. Throw that in with all the canned laughter, and the editors of this show should've been fired once this thing ended. -So after those non-answers, the host says, "When we return......Who do the Bachelorettes think Andy will choose?" This is never asked after the break. Why are they teasing me like this? I want to see what the girl in the top row who's barely gotten any camera time thinks. Very important I get her opinion. I wanted to see a poll taken and have all 23 girls say Jen. Would've done wonders for Kirsten's ego. -And speaking of the top row, if you bet the over/under on top row girls speaking, you pushed. It ended on 1. And for the record, I think 7 of the 23 women there actually had a speaking part last night. That's 30% last time I checked. Why they bring all these women back is beyond me. Why don't they bring back just the most notable ones and grill them mercilessly? "Amber, how much did your implants cost?" "Liz, did he even hold your hand or was he completely turned off by your crying?" "Tina Crapulous, why did you play hard to get until Hawaii, then bag him in the hotel room?" "Mother Cristina, are you ever going to get over the fact that Andy dumped you? What was your grandchildren's reaction to seeing you make an @ss of yourself on national television? How come every girl here hates you?" Dammit, I'm telling you, I should've hosted this special. -Before the show ends, they run these minute videos recapping Jen and Kirsten. I felt like I was already watching their wedding video. Going by this, Andy's got nothing bad to say about either of them and it looks like he'll propose to both of them on Sunday. Talk about two of the most opposite women you could pick for your final two. Where's this guy's head? If he's thinking with the right one, he'll pick Jen. Otherwise, get ready for Andy and Kirsten to make the rounds on all the talk shows with her saying, "I, like totally can't believe this has happened to me. It's like a total dream." Yeah, and you're a total idiot. -I think from the previous 4 shows, every person that's won is, for the most part, someone that America liked. Alex's pick (I forget her name) (Ed. Note: It was Amanda. I'm sure Dabone only remembers her cans - LOL), Helene seemed normal (until she went psycho), and Ryan was likable, just a dork. If it wasn't clear before last night, it certainly is now, NO ONE likes Kirsten and I think everyone wants to see her lose. We can only pray Andy is that smart. Good luck. back to THE BACHELOR 3 index page
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