5.14.03 5.07.03 4.30.03 4.23.03 QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? EMAIL ME	THE BACHELOR 3 SEASON FINALE Ok. For the record, everyone go back in the archives to Episode 2's summary before ANY girl was even eliminated, and I said Jen would win this thing. I may have wavered over the last couple days, but dammit, my first instinct was right, and now my one, true love in this world is going off to marry a complete dork. Well, supposedly. Considering this particular show is 0-for-2 already, nothing's set in stone. Especially with Andy's "wandering" eye, both literally and figuratively. So, let's see, I guessed Zora for Joe Idiot, guessed Charlie for Trista, and guessed Jen for Andy. That's 66%. Hey, not bad. Kind of like my percentage rate of girls who say no when I ask them out. Kidding. I think. Anyway, without any futher adeiu, here are my final thoughts on this season's "Bachelor".... -In case you didn't know this, the two ladies' full names are Kirsten Buschbacher and Jennifer Schefft. Jen's name I can see. Jen Schefft. Fits her perfect. Short, cute, to the point. BUSCHBACHER?!!!!! WHAT?!!!!! Kirsten looks nothing like a freakin' Buschbacher. What a disgrace that she carries around that last name. Actually, come to think of it, it seems like it would fit better the other way around. Jen Buschbacher and Kirsten Schefft. Or better yet, Jen Carbone. I've only said that about 4 times in my life. Of all the women I've ever dated, Jen has been the most common name amongst them. What a coincidence. Now Jen Schefft. Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ahhhhhh...it's meant to be. Ok. Enough of the name game. -We open the show with Andy at his family's home in Santa Ynez. I now officially hate this guy. Did you see that backdrop? For christ sakes, this guy rules his own country. I was expecting lions, and giraffes, and tigers, and gazelles to come running across the screen with that four million acre land he was on. Did they film Jurassic Park there? Geez. I feel like a complete failure. -Jen arrives and says, "It's bigger than anything I've ever seen." Uh huh. I bet it is honey. And the view of the countryside probably wasn't bad either. Wait. Did I just promote Andy being well endowed? I take that back. -Andy takes Jen for a little ride in his tractor jeep. Well, that's what it looked like to me. During the drive, he felt the need to play "Jungle Cruise Tour Guide". "Well, my family started this back in 19 blah blah blah....We're currently 10 miles off the ocean..." Look, enough buddy. We know. You're filthy rich. No need to rub our noses in it. You had tires, but you're completely out of that business, now you just do wine, you have your own winery....yes, we get it. If this season wasn't a 6 week commercial for this guy's struggling wine business, I don't know what was. -Oh boy. More animals. Apparently Andy has his own llamas that he cares for. LLAMAS!!! Who of us has 50 llamas to take care of on our farm? I certainly don't. And neither do 99.99999999% of the people watching this show. We've completely lost all touch with reality here (I've just been informed those weren't llamas but some type of animal I've never heard of in my life. Screw that. They're llamas). -For a quick second, the cameras jettison us back to reality....Rodeo Drive where Kirsten gets to pick out her ring, or her size, or whatever. This becomes a major sticking point with me during the course of the show. Kirsten strolls into Harry Winston to meet Mr. Jeweler Guy. She seems rather comfortable in this environment. Should surprise exactly zero people watching. -Back to Andy's country. He takes her out into the open field past the winery and completes loses the rest of us when he says.....this is where he wants to build his house. Andy's going to build his house in the middle of this plush mountainside in Santa Ynez. That's great. My apartment leaks in 3 different places every time it rains, the water pressure in my shower changes on a daily basis, my kitchen light has been flickering for over a year, and this guy is going to build his own house in one of the most scenic areas in America. I really feel like running in front of an oncoming bus right now. -Andy and Jen have a little picnic on the ground where his eventual house will be. The following exchange takes place. Jen: "I hope your family accepts me. I can really see myself living here." Andy: "I can definitely see Jen in my life." Why do I know that's not the first time I'll be hearing those exact 3 sentences? -Time to meet the family. Now I know where Andy gets the cheesy smile from. Pops and Andy smile exactly alike. As for Andy and Mom, I don't see any correlation. They don't look alike, they don't talk alike, and frankly, I thought it was his grandmother at first. Where the hell is this English accent coming from? And how did his mom only pass it down to his sisters, yet not his brother? Those wacky Firestones. -More realism as everyone continues to mingle. Dinner with Jen is catered and served on plates about 5,000 years old probably passed down from generations before Christ was even around. This is becoming all too nauseating for me. I'm feeling a little queezy. I need to lie down. -The family loves Jen and Andy's sister Hayley loves her so much, she begins to cry. Keep the crying coming Hayley. Wait'll you get a load of the second broad Andy's bringing over. A real treat. Very ladylike. Jen's got more class in her shoe than Kirsten has in her whole hot body. -At dinner, Andy's pops tells us that he and his wife have been together over 45 years and he proposed to her 2 weeks after meeting her. They didn't elaborate on this but I think we all know what happened there. Poppa Firestone probably knocked her up within 2 weeks, convinced himself he was in love, then proposed so that they could have the wedding before she started showing. C'mon Dad. You ain't foolin' anybody. Birth control was around in the 1800's, wasn't it? -Andy's sisters told Jen they were rooting for her. I'm sure Kirsten was watching this at home last night thinking, "You bitches. I had no chance to win this thing. You were probably against me the whole time I was there." Yes, yes, and yes Kirsten. You're finally picking things up now. Only took you six weeks. -Andy's lazy eye picked one hell of a night to turn in an Oscar performance. I keep thinking he's going to fall asleep on camera. Watch that thing, man. It's freakin' me out. It's like someone's dangling a watch in front of me trying to put me out. And by the way, looking at a watch sway back & forth in front of me does not put me to sleep, does not put me in a trance, and does not make me get up in front of an audience and do things I wouldn't normally do. Why has that always been the universal symbol for hypnotizing someone? -Andy: "I'm not at all hesitant about introducing Kirsten to my family." Uh, you should be. Jen absolutely just blew the socks off your brothers, sisters, and parents. You think Kirsten with her "like's" and "you know's" and "totally's" and "soooooo awesome's" is a good thing? They'll laugh in her face. I would. Short of getting a personality transplant in a day, Kirsten, you can see had no shot at this thing. -Now it's Kirsten's turn to seal her fate. She arrives at Andy's country and immediately starts in with, "It's like soooooo beautiful." First words out of her mouth. Funny thing is, I don't remember her being this dumb and this annoying in the beginning. We witnessed quite a transformation here over the last 6 weeks. She went from being this young, hot, fairly intelligent woman to now still being young and hot, but as sharp as a mashed potato sandwich. Congratulations. -Back to Rodeo Drive, and Jen's picking out her ring. Mr. Jeweler Guy says of one of the rings, "This is a 3 carat, round plastic mounting set on platinum." Now, considering I've never bought an engagement ring, I really don't know what all that jumble meant, but I have an idea as to what kind of cake that's gonna cost Andy. They better clear some room outside the front of the store so Andy can back in the Brinks truck. Sick. -Back to Kirsten's slow, but painful demise, Andy's brother Adam says, Kirsten is definitely "high energy." You mean, "high maintenance", Adam. Like I said last week, he couldn't have picked two more opposite women if he tried. Maybe the producers edited it as such, but did Jen say one wrong thing for 6 weeks? Did she ever not charm everyone watching? Was she ever not ladylike in every sense of the word? I can't remember anything. Kirsten may as well walked around with a shoe in her mouth for the last month in a half for all the times she stuck her foot in there. -They introduce Kirsten to the winery and the process of how it goes from just being a grape, to being bottled up and packaged to be sold. I could be wrong on this, but this probably flew completely over Kirsten's head. Boxing the bottles became a little too fast for her, so she needed to slow down. In the background you can hear the organ music playing, and Kirsten's grave is slowly being etched in stone. -Kirsten tells the family she graduated with a degree from the University of Florida. Whoa. Watch out now. Very highly respected academic institution. Adam: "What did you get your degree in?" Kirsten: "Magazine Journalism." Question: What the hell is Magazine Journalism? Only the University of Florida would offer something like that. Regular Journalism apparently was booked, so Kirsten decided to go with Magazine Journalism. Maybe she answers the "Sex Q & A" questions for "BOP" Magazine. You know the ones where the 15 year old girl writes in, "Yeah, um, I've like started to be pressured by my boyfriend to have sex, and I don't feel I'm ready. He keeps telling me that everyone is doing it, and that this'll prove that he loves me. I really like him a lot and don't want to lose him. Please help!" Troubled in Florida. Since Kirsten is preoccupied, let me help you honey. Just do it. It'll help your self esteem, you won't be emotionally scarred for your next 4 boyfriends, and after you finally do it, please write back to me and tell me exactly how many times he didn't return your phone call for the 2 weeks following. -Adam: "Did you play any athletics?" Kirsten: "Well, like, um, in high school I did. I was involved in softball and did the yearbook." Oh boy. Sweetie, he didn't ask what lame, anti-social clubs you belonged to, he wanted to know what sports you played. But apparently Kirsten's come along way since high school. Seems to me that she used to be a lesbian who hung out with all the geeks back in the day. Now look at her. -In the kitchen with Andy's sister, Kirsten's talking 1,000 miles per hour and not making any sense to which his sister Polly comments, "I just wanted her to slow down. She had a lot to say, but there didn't seem to be much substance there." They're on to her. Good looks, tight body, and firm ass can only get you so far with the family. I wonder when they hugged her goodbye, if they could hear the ocean in between her ears. -Andy (this guy's great. Constant, continuous, grilling of Kirsten): "If you're three best friends were here, what would three things would they say best described you." Kirsten: "That I'm independant, I'm ambitious, and...." some other lame answer I forgot. Andy (again will not let her off the hook): "How are you ambitious?" Kirsten: "Well, I definitely have a few things that I want to do, but I'm not exactly sure where I want to go." Outstanding answer, honey. You can turn in your test now. You've officially gotten an "F". Ambitious, yet doesn't know where she wants to go. "Completely and utterly lost" is the phrase you were looking for Ms. Buschbacher. -Did you catch Andy's facial expressions when Kirsten was digging her grave over dinner? He never looked up once, never smiled, and had this, "My-God-please-don't-embarass-me-any-further" look that was priceless. -Andy's mom or grandma tells him, "You need to find the girl who has things about her that you least need to change." People don't change once you get married? What? That's not what I heard. I was told that if your boyfriend is a loser with no goals, a horrible job, and the hygiene of a street bum, that once you marry him, marriage turns him into the CEO at IBM. And I heard the sex not only gets better, but becomes more frequent once you put the ring on. Not that ring, you sickos. -Adam once again solidfies his status as greatest sibling to ever appear on a reality show. Usually the family members have nothing important to say and ask lame ass questions like Trista's family did to Charlie. "What's under your bed?" Great question. But Adam keeps plugging away, "So, what's up with your ex boyfriend? We've heard things so we thought we'd ask you." Kirsten: Something to the effect of, "I....ummm....well, before I left....uhhhh.....great sex.....never really broke it off....ummmm....well....we still love each other....ummmm....I think we're gonna get married if Andy doesn't propose to me." Thank you for coming, Kirsten. You may now officially leave the show. -So after this, Adam has one final talk with Andy, basically telling him, "Uh, look dude. She still has a boyfriend back home she's banging, if you don't pick her, she's just going back to him." Throw in a few curse words, throw in a few "Would you pick Jen already?" hints, and Andy is brought to tears. He's really torn by the fact that this skank showed up on the show looking to get married, not sign a pre-nup, and never have to do a damn thing the rest of her life and gravytrain off the Firestone fortune. Tough decision. -One final night with each lady for Andrew. Andy's dressed to the nine's with some god awful yellow t-shirt and jeans. Jen comes over, he cooks dinner, they sit by the fire, and he reminds her that on their date in Palm Springs, he told her that if they stay together, he promised once a month they have dinner in robes, so he presents her with matching robes. Whoa. Serious sh!t. They head to the spa where Andy proceeds to show us his ass crack when he takes off his robe, and Jen proceeds to show us her outstanding rack in her bikini. Yowza. Me likey. -They're back inside by the fire and Jen now has Andy's yellow shirt on. Wait a second. How did they not show the process in which this happened? She magically just landed with his shirt on? Or did she pick it up off the floor after sex because she couldn't find her robe. Finding clothes after sex is always a treat. "Gee, how did my boxers end up on her lamp?" And trying to turn my pants inside out in complete darkness is an ability I have yet to master. This is where the uncut, DVD version will definitely come in handy. By the way, my birthday is May 31st for anyone looking to pick me up that gift. -As they sit by the fire, Jen wears Andy's t-shirt and the producers bring in Enrigue Iglesias to sit in Andy's spot. C'mon Andy. What's with the wool cap? I was half expecting him to grow a giant mole and start sereneding, "I can be your hero baby. I can kiss away the pain. I will stand by you forever. You...can...take....my breath away." Great video. And we all know why, don't we? Jennifer Love Hewitt. How this guy convinces all hot women to appear in his video and suck his face for 3 minutes is a power I wish I had. Good God. Let's see, Shannon Elizabeth in one, licking every inch of Jennifer Love Hewitt's body in "Hero", and mounting Anna Kournikova on a bathroom countertop in "Escape". You are my hero, Enrique. -Time for Kirsten to come over. One thing I've noticed, Andy kisses Kirsten like every 4 seconds he's around her. Maybe this should've been a sign that he was trying to get as much play as possible before he dumped like a sack of potatoes. -Andy confronts her about her ex. She gives him some long, drawn out answer basically explaining nothing, to which Andy replies, "I do believe it's over with her ex-boyfriend." That's it? Man, now I know why the ladies love this guy so much. He's the most gullible man out there. "Hey, this guy back home. You say he's still in love with you, he doesn't know you're on the show, you had sex 6 minutes before you boarded the plane to come out here, and you'll hook back up with him the second you get off the plane. Are you over him?" "Of course I am." "Good enough for me. I believe you." Wow. -Kirsten's turn to jump in the jacuzzi. She has her naval pierced. Toooooooo sexy. I wonder how many guys at the University of Florida have taken body shots off that stomach? I'd set the over/under at about 250. Andy's realizing this is basically the end of the line. And would the cameraman please pan away when Andy's taking off his robe so I don't have to see his ass crack again? Geez. -As they sit on the couch saying nothing to each other, Andy's gazing at the ceiling stroking her hair. Stroking hair and not kissing is the universal sign for "I don't want to be here any longer, but I can't kick her out yet." -As they head to commercial, again with the, "When we come back....Who will Andy choose? Will he propose? And will she say yes?" C'mon. They really don't think we're that stupid, do they? "Will he propose?" Well, considering he's contractually obligated to, I'm guessing he will. "Will she say yes?" Um, who isn't going to marry into a family that owns their own country? -Commercial. They're promoting the DVD for a "A Guy Thing". Two chicks fighting over a guy with Julia Stiles and Selma Blair. Wait a second. Julia Stiles made a flick where she wasn't banging some black guy? How did I miss this? I thought she had a clause in her contract which stipulated, "I am never allowed to kiss a white guy in any of my movies. Give me black, or I ain't comin' back." I might want to rent that one. -It's the morning of. Andy's getting out of the shower and brushing his teeth with just a towel on. Why not show the guy taking a leak, too? As for Jen, I didn't realize she sleeps with so much makeup on. And it's amazing how it didn't smear into the pillow either. Kirsten likes to stretch, open up the blinds, and stand out on her balcony every morning. The realism in this show is mind boggling. -Andy goes to get the ring. Ok, here's where I had the biggest problem with the show. Now, did the girls go to the jeweler earlier to get fitted for a ring, or to pick out what ring they wanted if they were to be chosen? This was never made clear. And this is still bothering me this morning. Because the ring that Jen chose was the ring he bought. But there was no way in hell they'd actually give away the ending by showing everyone which ring he bought, would they? I need an answer to this, and I need it now. If Andy was in there to choose whatever ring he wanted to buy for his fiancee, why have the ladies go in there and pick a kind they liked? I don't remember them just being fitted. I remember them specifically each picking out a ring they liked. So does that mean the jeweler was the first to know who won? Did they make a mistake by showing us the ring? How much was that check for that Andy scratched? Have I completely overanalyzed this whole show for the last 6 weeks? -One final talk with the host. Host: "Did you ever think we'd get to this point?" Andy: "No, I didn't. I thought about half way through, I'd just walk off the show, and you guys would be stuck with hours and hours of tape with no ending." The stupid questions just continue to roll out of this guy's mouth at an alarming pace. -Video message time. Completely meaningless. His mind his made up. Kirsten is freezing, holding on to Andy's board, trying to tell him to go on at this point. Andy is about to stick his hand in her face and push her down to the bottom. "You're....here....there's nothing I fear.....and I know that my heart will go on and on........" Bye Rose. I mean, Kirsten. -Kirsten is first up. Andy wastes absolutely no time. He never wants to have anything to do with her ever again. At this point, everything bad I've ever said about Andy I take back because this guy had the cajones to not only tell Kirsten she wasn't the one, but in his words, "I've fallen in love with Jen." OUCH. Awesome, but OUCH. I'm still reeling from the fact he even brought Jen's name up while he was dumping her. That's gotta be a tough one to swallow. Are you kidding me? I'm shocked she didn't just crumble to the ground right there. Damn, Andy. Why not just reach into her chest, pull out her heart like that guy in "Indiana Jones", show it to the cameras, and laugh like the devil? -Post dumping reaction from Kirsten as she's sent away in her limo. "Some guy will be so, so lucky one day." Yeah, you're ex-boyfriend when you get home. Talk about some great make up sex. "I'm gonna be O.K. There are plenty of guys out there." Yes, there are honey. And you'll choose to go with your ex-boyfriend. "This isn't really happening. I keep waiting for someone to wake me up and tell me this has all been a bad dream." I'm sure your ex-boyfriend will sweetie. Then you guys will have morning sex. "It's making me sick thinking of him and Jen. He's probably proposing to her right now. I feel like I'm going to throw up." Very mature. Don't we all just love a sore loser? -Jen's turn. Nothing eventful here really. Andy's not a man of many words. Trista seemed to have some novel to read to each guy before she gave him her decision. Andy was like, "When I first started this.....find someone....compliment me....great rack....love to make out with....I love you. Will you marry me?" Pretty straight and to the point if you ask me. Jen says yes, they kiss, they hug, they kiss, they hug, they're both the happiest people in America, they kiss, they hug, and they begin their journey as the 3rd consecutive failed couple on the "Bachelor" series. I can only imagine the things going on in their hotel room that night. I'm guessing he rented out a whole floor of rooms so they wouldn't wake anybody up. Congrats to Andy and Jen. I've given up every Wednesday of my life for the last 6 weeks to write about your trials and tribulations. I deserved to be compensated for this. All I'm asking for Andy is, when you guys break up, can I have her? That's it. I honestly don't think I will write about Wednesday's show when they talk for the first time. I'm seriously Andy and Jen'ed out. I need a couple weeks to regroup and I'll be back in action for NBC's Monday night reality show "For Love or Money", the one where 15 girls are after 1 guy, and the winner gets $1 million dollars, except he doesn't know. He actually thinks these chicks want him. And you thought Liz the Wreck and Tina Crapulous were catty over Andy. Oh boy. Until then.......
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