THE BACHELOR 4 10.1.03 We all know how much I love “The Bachelor”, but I need to inform most of you on what might be the 2nd best show going on television right now. Click on over to MTV on the weekends, and try and catch every last possible episode of “Newlyweds: Jessica and Nick.” And I was beginning to envy Nick Lachey for locking that hottie up? Uh, no. Apparently being married to an absolute blonde bombshell with fake cans and a ridiculous body isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I make no bones about this when I say I think Jessica Simpson might be the stupidest woman on the face of the earth. She is a skinnier version of Anna Nicole Smith. I have no idea what this chick is talking about, I have no idea where she comes up with the things that she says, I don’t think she has a clue where it comes from, and I’m actually beginning to feel sorry for Mr. Lachey-Simpson. I mean, that guy either better find a way to live on the planet known as “Jessica Simpson” or we’re looking at an annulment by Christmas. Just watch the show. You’ll understand. -Did any of you catch that Carl’s Jr. commercial about two minutes before the show started? I guess it’s fairly new, but it’s of a chick riding a mechanical bull one handed, with a Western Bacon Six Dollar Burger in the other hand. And when I say she’s “riding” the mechanical bull, I mean that in every sense of the word. I’ve never had a commercial in the history of television appeal to me the way that one did. Either that girl is a professional mechanical bull rider, or, well, she’s a true champion when she’s on top. Ho….lee….smokes. That was unbelievable. And for those that didn’t see it, she wasn’t riding it at warp speed like at the “Saddle Ranch”. No, no, no. This one was just a tad more erotic. So much so that I will now have Carl’s Jr. everyday for lunch for the rest of my life. I’ve never been a big believer that if you make a funny or memorable commercial, people will buy your product. Not anymore. I’m sold. Can I super size that? -Immediately the show starts out with our host telling us some tragic news. Tragic, yet very disappointing. Last week in the previews, they made it seem like later on, one of the girls is rushed to the hospital, everybody goes to visit her, yada, yada, yada. Nope. I guess after the last rose ceremony, Antoinette got a kidney infection. Definitely not something you’d wish upon your worst enemy, but man, this is not what I was looking for. And apparently the producers didn’t think much of it either considering they spent a whole 1 minute explaining what happened. “Ok girls, Antoinette’s sick, she had to be rushed to the hospital, could be on her deathbed, you might want to say your goodbyes, she’ll be back whenever……Ok, who wants to see who’s on the next date!” Response: “Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” I would expect nothing less. -Mr. Chris Harrison also tells the girls there will be a twist to tonight’s show. There will 3 group dates of five (sort of), and on one of the dates, Chris will show up, and Lean Bob will eliminate someone on the spot. A hush falls over the dimwitted ladies. “You mean, we might not be coming back?” Yes, honey. That’s what he means. Please bring your torch with you. Fire represents life. Woops. Wrong show. -So Chris tells Kelly Ho to go run and get the first box. It’s a group date to San Francisco. The five twits going will be Brooke, Meredith, Antoinette (well, she’s invited anyway), Kelly Ho, and Karin the Token. So they start out on a boat and surprisingly, Antoinette isn’t with them. She’s still recovering from that little minor kidney infection she suffered. Very noble of the producers to have her be part of the first date, knowing that she wouldn’t be back in time. So gracious of them. Anyway, on the boat, a conversation begins about how Trim Bob would like a small wedding, and not a bunch of people he doesn’t know. He wants it intimate. I may have missed something here, but Kelly Ho tries to make a funny by suggesting some sort of 7-11 wedding or something. Whatever it was, it wasn’t funny. Except to Slight Bob. He and the ladies took the joke about 3 minutes longer than it should have. Something about Slurpees, those hot dogs that are sweating on the rotating grill bars, and the chili that’s available at all hours of the day, yet never gets changed. Nonsense. Is there a reason Slurpees are about the size of small cars? Do people still drink Slurpees? I literally thinks it’s been about 18 years since I’ve had one. I’m sorry, but turning my mouth the color blue for a week isn’t my idea of fun. -So Scrawny Bob takes Brooke away from the group to talk to her since she’s been a mute the whole time they’ve been on the boat. Yet, on her abc.com profile, Brooke’s three adjectives that best describe her are: outgoing, classy, and loving. Apparently Brooke is a liar as well. Outgoing? Hmmm…better rethink that one, sweets. She also says in her profile when asked why she would want to find her husband on a TV show: “Where else can you go meet a guy and feel pretty sure that he’s a decent person?” Very inquisitive, this Ms. Brooke is. Good question. Well, let’s see. How about the Internet? A lot of safe guys there. And all of them tell the truth. Always. No guys lie about their age, height, weight, religion, hobbies, interests, or sexual partners. Try that. See if it works. -Back at the mansion, which the girls allegedly trashed as evidenced by the owners suing ABC for $5 million in damages. Geez, what kind of orgies were these girls having. Apparently they left the place a mess with food wrappers everywhere, bugs all over the place, even feminine hygiene products were left in the trash cans. Did this really happen? I don’t even put it so much on the ladies as much as the producers. What, did they just get up and walk out after the last scene was shot? Nobody bothered to take one last quick look before packing up the trucks? I’m guessing that’s something that should’ve been at the top of the priority list: Don’t piss off the homeowners. I could understand if they were upset that a couple plants were misplaced, but if these homeowners are suing for $5 million, there must’ve been some serious damage. Once the unedited “Bachelor 4” DVD is released, will the extra footage show Kelly Ho and Meredith lightin’ up a doobie in the bathroom? -So they break away from the first date, to show Antoinette show up at the house. The girls are ecstatic to see her. “Damn, I thought there was one less girl I had to beat out.” So all the girls bring her in the room, pretend like they care what happened to her, then basically tell her she’s S.O.L. that she was supposed to be on the first date. Like I said, if I’m Antoinette, I’m raising hell with Mike Fleiss and Co. If you knew she wasn’t gonna be back in time, couldn’t you have changed it up so she goes on a later date? Even though Antoinette eventually ends up going on the 3rd date, much to the dismay of the other five wenches, why even show she was supposed to go on the first one? -Back to the first date, Hungry Bob and the ladies are in the Rice-A-Roni car going for a ride in the city. I’ve been on one of those once in my life, and frankly I don’t see the big deal. Other than being surrounded the weirdest group of people you’ll ever find in one close space, I was fine. To your left, you’ll a have a businessman in a $1,000 Armani suit, and two steps away from him will be a purple haired, multi tattooed freak in a spiked leather jacket. Interesting crowd. Interesting city. Can’t say I’m a big fan of San Francisco. Something about my apartment complex being right on top of the next apartment complex, which is right on top of the next one, which is right on top of the next one, and having no parking for at least 5 blocks just doesn’t do it for me. Call me crazy. -So on the Rice-a-Roni car comes San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown. Hey, is this the guy that got busted for crack and got re-elected? Woops. That’s Marion Berry. Oh I remember Willie Brown. Willie Brown was the mayor who once called former 49er quarterback Elvis Grbac, “a disgrace to mankind.” No, this wasn’t some drunk fan who was .30, and this wasn’t some loud mouth sports talk show host. Nope. This was the Mayor of the city calling the quarterback a “disgrace to mankind.” Gee Willie, tell us how you really feel? Worst part about it was, he was right. Grbac sucked. Sucked at Michigan. Sucked in San Francisco. Sucked in Kansas City. And sucked in Baltimore. Then he just quit football. Nice career, Elvis. Nice name too. And oh yeah, Willie Brown literally appeared for 17 seconds. What the hell was that for? At least last season we got Derek Fisher and Tracy Austin hanging out with Andrew and talking to him. -Once again, back at the mansion, they show Mary, Katie Holmes, and I think Jenny in the hot tub. And no doubt, Katie and Jenny here were completely bombed out. Katie decides to ask Mary to teach her Spanish so she can say something to Underfed Bob in Spanish when he sees him. Mary: “Tu eres muy caliente.” Katie repeats it in only a way that a true redneck from Georgia could. Absolutely no Spanish accent whatsoever, and I think she almost spilled her drink. So she practices her big line she’s going to lay on Lean Bob: “Too err…ess muy cal…ente Bobby! Woo hoo!!!!” Please, have another drink. -Back to the date, Bobbo pulls Meredith aside for some alone time. Meredith wants to go to Culinary school. She wants to be a chef. Chef’s cook food. Bob likes food. Hence, Bob likes Meredith. Bob offers Meredith his mouth, and she accepts thus becoming victim #2 on Bob’s list. After the kiss, we get to hear from a weak kneed Meredith: “I’m glad I get to spend time with Bob. I mean, I REALLY like him now.” Apparently Bob’s tongue has made Meredith REALLY like him now. -For the second group date, Lindsay, Misty, Jenn, Estella, and Kristi will be flown in a helicopter over Los Angeles, then brought to hotel where more making out and drinking will take place. And maybe even a small rose ceremony that leaves some chick balling her eyes out. So they go to the “W” hotel and jump around in the pool. The pool? No way. Misty was the most forward as she decided to do a strip tease taking off her towel and jumping into the pool, right into Gaunt Bob’s arms. This really sat well with the others. I think they all collectively thought, “You know, I really like that Misty. Very subtle, very classy, not too pushy. Boy, she’s gonna be tough to beat.” -Misty the stripper basically raped Bob with her bikini on. So what does Bob do? Takes her to the back to “get to know her better”. This guy is slick, I’ll give him that. He’s doing nothing that any other Bachelor wouldn’t do. Except gay Alex from “Bachelor 1”. So Misty puts Wiry Bob on the spot, “So who would you get rid of right now if you had to?” Hey, at least she was honest. Bobby says not her. This doesn’t surprise Misty, so she offers him her tongue. He accepts. -Next he pulls Estella aside and they get massages. Estella assures herself a spot in at least the top three by: 1) having her bikini top off during the massage, and 2) talking about how important family is, especially since she was raised by a deaf father who has since deceased. Yeah, I’m sure Bob is going to be very quick to get rid of her. Very good looking, loves her family, lost her father. See ya. Yeah right. Let’s plan Estella being a fixture on this show for the next couple weeks. When they’re done with the massages, Estella feels the need to adjust her bikini top because I think it was sliding down. No need to do that, honey. We’ve been tortured enough. -Back at the mansion, the remaining six ladies find out their date is in Hollywood. Going are the other Lindsay, Katie Holmes, Mary, Jenny, Lanah, and Antoinette. Jenny says that Antoinette getting to go with them on their date isn’t fair because now there’s six girls. Now that’s the kind of cattiness I’m looking for. No sympathy for the poor little Antoinette who practically had kidney failures the other day and you were sooooo glad to see when she finally showed up at the mansion. Gee, never knew women could be so fake to each other. -Back to the 2nd date, and Bob is out with all the ladies on the top of the hotel. They’re talking, having a good time, the topic of conversation is “What love is”, you know, the normal stuff they’d be talking about if they didn’t need to find something to discuss right before host Chris comes in banging away at that wine glass to tell Bobbsies he has to dump someone right there on the spot. All five girls completely lost it at this point because, well, I think they forgot their bags. -Time for a Mine Rose Ceremony. This isn’t going to be pretty according to Bob. Bear with him. Whatever that means. This isn’t any different than the first rose ceremony other than you have only five to choose from. Technically, this should be easier. But whatever. I digress. Estella- She’s balling. She couldn’t verbally answer him when he asked if she’d accept the rose. Just a nod of the head will do, Stella. Thank you. Misty the Stripper- I think she wants to make out with him again in front of the other girls. Kirsti- Um, she hasn’t spoken all episode, so I have no idea why she’s staying. Final Rose- Jenn. One of the 3 girls on my list of “Girls I’d Like to Bone If Bob Doesn’t Want To.” Guess I have to wait. -So Lindsay from Los Angeles gets eliminated and immediately throws Misty the Stripper under the bus. “I definitely think Bob and I had more of a connection than some of the other girls. I think Misty should be gone.” Lindsay, you seem like a very nice girl, we’re very sorry to see you go, and maybe you’re right. Maybe Misty didn’t deserve to stay with Skeletal Bob, but she is. You know why? Because she gave him her tongue. A lot of it. And Bobby apparently likes him some tongue, no doubt. So maybe you didn’t get enough alone time with Bob, but Goddammit, if you haven’t learned anything from these shows, just know that if you think you’re on the verge of elimination, just pull the guy aside, let him cop a feel, let him dry hump you, let him play tonsil hockey for hours on end, but you gotta make that last ditch effort. You didn’t, and that’s why you’re in a limo on your way home, while Misty is freshening up for their next rendevous. I have spoken. -The final date begins on the Hollywood Walk of Fame where Bob and the six ladies get to make their own handprints in the mud. The Hollywood Walk of Fame is what it is. A bunch of people names in the ground. Kind of like the Grand Canyon. If you’ve seen it once, there’s really nothing more to see. “Ooooh, here’s Katherine Hepburn’s star. Ooooh, here’s Dustin Hoffman’s star. Ooooh, here’s Mark Paul Gosslear’s star.” Ok, so maybe Zach Morris doesn’t have a star yet, but he will. Oh yes. He will. In fact, that whole cast should get one. Screech, Mr. Belding, Slater, all of em’. No one from that “New Class” though. I mean, c’mon. That was literally the equivalent to watching the Bulls after MJ, Pippen, Rodman, and Phil Jackson left. Or “Beverly Hills 90210” post- Dylan and Brandon, but before the Dylan return. There will never be another high school show better than “Saved by the Bell”. I think I could do a whole column on that show alone. “The College Years” should’ve never been made. Ever. Now Zach and Kelly’s wedding was something I would’ve loved to attend. -Scrawny Bob and the ladies go to see some soft porn show where scantily clad women are dancing on stage. Is this Spearmint Rhino’s front room? These ladies pull Bob’s ladies up on stage to show their stuff, and immediately, Jenny and Katie Holmes begin dancing with each other very closely. I begin to sweat. Why do women do that? Look, I’m onto you ladies. I’m not as stupid as some of the other jackasses at the club that froth at the mouth and practically have their pants at their ankles when they see you dancing with your friend. Guys, when two chicks are dancing very sexually with each other at a club, that means one of three things: 1) they’re lesbians, 2) it’s girls night out, they both have boyfriends, yet they want to give every guy in the place blueballs, and 3) you’re not getting any. Fun show, ladies. But I know what you’re up to. -Mary the dancer takes this dance thing a little too far because, well, she likes her some music. Apparently music makes Mary lose her inhibitions and pull up her skirt so all of America can see her ass and thong. Well, you get the picture. Of course, Bob loved every minute of it, as he should have. In Mary’s profile, it says the things she’s most proud of is “singing with my church choir and cheering for the World Champion Tampa Bay Bucs”. First off, I’m guessing the church choir ladies were thrilled to see you show ass last night on national television. And secondly, after reading that, I checked the Tampa Bay Bucs Cheerleading Home Page (I had a little extra time to kill), and noticed they had no one named Mary on the squad. Uh oh. Mary’s a lying sack too. -Katie Holmes pulls Bobbo aside for some alone time. And boy does she take advantage. She’s pretty fired up. “I want the rose tonight. I want Bob. He’s, like, the cutest thing ever. He’s awesome.” So Katie and Bob are in some back V.I.P. goin’ at it. I think they had to purchase a bottle of champagne before they went back there too. Girls in the front room aren’t too happy these lovebirds are taking about 30 minutes exchange saliva. Just when you think it’s over, Katie goes in for some more. And more. And more. And more. You can come up for air people. It’s ok. Ever been making out so long you start counting how many times you tilted your head a different way? Oh. I do. Once I’ve tilted five times to the right and five times to the left, time to move in for something else. -After the 90 minute kiss, Katie is still pretty fired up. “My kiss with Bob was so passionate. We had the ground a shakin’.” I bet you did, snookums. And I bet every girl remaining on this show is going to hate your ass for it. When they finally join the rest of the group, Bob is happier than a stripper meeting her dealer. “Wassup ladies!” I mean, how can he be this happy having just spent a _ hour tonguing Katie to death, but not getting any further. Katie was walking next to him on the side closest to the camera, so we couldn’t really tell if Bob was pitching a tent or not, but I’m guessing after that lovefest, he had to be hurting. Big time. -Commercial. They’re previewing the 11 o’clock news in L.A. and their main story is Halle Berry and Eric Benet breaking up, to be followed by what some strippers want to bring back. Ok. Hold on. First off, with that Australian whore about to become our governor, this is one of the top stories the local news is covering? You’ve got to be kidding me. Who cares if Halle Berry left Eric Benet. We all know she’s banging Fred Durst now anyway. Fred Durst. Now there we go again with the whole “bad boy” thing that chicks dig. What could women possibly find redeeming in that waste of sperm? Yeah, I’d love for some guy that I hooked up with to go on national radio and tell everyone what he did to me in the sack. Yeah, no thanks. And this second story about what strippers want brought back had to be good for a few laughs. For those that don’t know, L.A. passed a law that now says lap dances at strip clubs must be at least six feet away. Gee, wonder why those upstanding citizens are pissed? Hmmm, is it that no one will ever visit a strip club again with those stupid rules? Who wants to start bringing binoculars into their local strip club? 6 foot rule? Yeah, that’ll work. -We come back from commercial for our final Rose Ceremony of the evening. A couple girls are getting nervous. Lanah the stalker says, “If I do not get a rose, I’ll be disappointed. Bob is definitely someone I could marry.” This is the first time the stalker has gotten any camera time this week. Doesn’t look good for her. Bob goes into the deliberation rooms, answers a couple meaningless questions, then goes and looks at the “Pick me!” photos. He picked up Katie Holmes’ picture and held it in his hands. I noticed he did that last week too. And he picked her 2nd out of fifteen girls. I’m guessing he’s remembering the tongue raping that Katie gave him earlier. I know I was. -Time to hand out the roses, but Bob has something very important to say to the ladies first. “I’ve laughed at every Bachelor who’s come up here and said how tough a decision it is to eliminate you beautiful ladies. Now I truly know how they felt.” Don’t worry, Bob. We’ve laughed at every Bachelor up there too. But not for the reason you did. No, we laughed at Alex because, well, we knew he didn’t like girls and probably wanted to give his rose to Chris. We laughed at Aaron because we didn’t realize that there are still cavepeople living and dwelling among us. And we laughed at Andrew because one of his eyes pointed north while the other pointed east. Here is the order he chose his ho’s: Meredith- gave her a kiss. Jenny- gave her a kiss. Antoinette- gave her a kiss. And no one is happy with that choice. Mary- gave her a kiss. Asked her if she’d accept the rose, and she answered in Spanish. Something about “corazon”. “El Corazon”? You mean that stone that Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner were after? Brooke- gave her a kiss. You see a pattern developing here? I don’t remember Andy kissing everyone he gave a rose to. Karin the Token- gave her a kiss. I think this is the first time I’ve seen Karin the Token all show. Misty the Stripper- gave her a kiss. Of course. She probably wouldn’t have left if she didn’t get one. Skank. Estella- gave her a kiss. She can’t believe she gotta rose. We can. Estella, you’re in. Final Rose- Katie Holmes. Why he waited til’ the end to give her what we all knew he would is beyond me. Once again, some of the other ladies aren’t too happy that Katie’s still around. -Jenn, Lindsay from South Carolina, Kristi, and Lanah the stalker were not given roses. Lanah’s having trouble dealing with this, we get no reaction from Jenn or Kristi, but Lindsay would like to weigh in on public enemy #1, Katie Holmes. “At least I can walk out of here with my head held high knowing that I didn’t have to throw myself at someone. I’m surprised Leann got one. I guess it wasn’t meant to be, because if that’s what he likes, then he wasn’t the guy for me.” Ouch. Let’s just call last night’s episode the “Gang up on Katie Holmes episode”, shall we? Why all the sudden does everyone hate the little southern belle who gets sauced in hot tubs, gets 20 minute make out sessions, and thinks it’s her God given right that Skinny Bob chooses her. What’s wrong with that? Other than the fact that there isn’t any leftover for me, hey, the girl has got a little confidence. So be it. If you got it, flaunt it. And be sure to rub everyone else’s face in it. Well, we already know who this season’s Kirsten is. And if they’re going to devote that much attention to Katie Holmes’ antics, I have a feeling she’ll be around a while. But hey, that’s just me. -Upcoming episodes show more twists and turns, more girls crying, the girls getting to choose who should and shouldn’t get a solo date with Bob, the wrath of Katie Holmes beginning to spread bigger than that virus from that monkey in “Outbreak”, Bob making out with more women than you can imagine, one of the girls getting some bad news from home or something, and never-before-seen-footage of the girls trashing of the mansion. Kidding. I wish. I just want to know who possibly couldn’t have the courtesy to throw away their feminine hygiene products in the trash cans OUTSIDE. Just flush it down the toilet for Chirst sakes. Or is that not good for the plumbing? Whatever. Just clean up after yourselves people. back to THE BACHELOR 4 index page
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