THE BACHELOR 4 10.22.03 Ok, so I was wrong. Apparently Bobby wasn’t turned on by Katie Holmes self-absorbed, conceited, this-show-revolves-around-me attitude. Needless to say, I was shocked to see our little princess exit stage left last night. And I’m sure a lot of you were as well. She was so likable. Very friendly with everyone, always happy, one of the more sociable people you’ll meet. Just an all-around great gal that anyone would be lucky to have. Even that new “Joe Millionaire” tard. Have you seen this new schmuck they’ve thrown out there. Holy moses. I mean, I’m happy Woody Harrelson has found work again, but at the expense of those women? Yikes. I was really going to do another “Joe Millionaire” column, but after watching Monday’s premiere, I found myself with this dilemma: How can I write about a show where I don’t give a damn about any of the fourteen women? I hate to sound anti-Europe, but the minute I found out none of the chicks were American, I really didn’t care. I think the whole “at-least-if-they-were-American-there’s-still-a-one-in-a-million-chance-at-them” concept being eliminated is the reason. That and I can’t understand a damn word these ladies are saying. A whole season of subtitles might have me poking at my eyes by episode three. And the fact that the concept was already done takes a lot of luster off the show. And oh yeah, his name is David Smith, and he’s a cowboy. What European woman in their right mind would move out of their country to live with some ‘billie who ropes cattle for a living at $9.00 an hour? Anyway, onto our boy Bob and his ladies….. -I want to first start off by apologizing to everyone for a glaring mistake in last week’s column. For me to convey false information to the reading audience is reprehensible, I’m ashamed of it, and frankly, I lost sleep over it. In no way did I mean mislead any of you with some inexcusable misreporting on my part. Once again, I sincerely apologize and I hope you forgive me when I say that the first time I ever went to the Queen Mary was not my freshman year of high school. It was sophomore year. There. I said it. Hope we’re able to put that behind us and you can go back to seeing me as you did before. An absolute lonely soul with nothing better to do than write other people dating habits. Let’s move on, shall we? -We open the show with Host Chris introducing us to three of Bobby’s friends who will decide which three girls get solo dates, and which three girls get the meaningless, I-get-no-alone-time-whatsoever date with Bob. His friends are Greg, his business partner. Katina, Greg’s wife. And good ol’ Jamie who we know from “The Bachelorette”. You know, that guy who asks permission to kiss girls. Yeah. Him. He’s back. Host Chris reminds Jamie, “Remember, you are here as Bob’s friend.” Don’t worry, Chris. We’ve seen Jamie’s act around women before. They have nothing to worry about whatsoever. -So the three friends bring all the girls outside one-by-one and ask them compatibility questions. I was most disappointed in this whole sequence. They didn’t spend nearly enough time going over these questions or the answers. A couple things we did learn though: -Brooke is a virgin and saving herself for marriage. Well, at least she got this far. Can’t say that about Alima and whoever that chick was Bob dumped in the first episode. Not to be so harsh to members of the V-club, but you gotta understand that your kind does not last long on shows like this. You have every right to be a virgin, and we all applaud you for being able to hold out in this day and age. Congratulations. Just get off my television. -Jamie posed a question: “Have you had a one-night stand?” To which every one of the chicks replied “No.” Every one of the chicks also lied. You’re telling me that little Kelly Ho’ never got bombed out at some club, grinded on some guy for 3 hours, took him home and had completely sloppy sex only to wake up the next morning realizing she didn’t even know his name? C’mon. I find that hard to believe. One night stands are brutal. I mean, they’re brutal after the fact. Especially if you stay the night. Or, is it not considered a one-night stand if you don’t stay? And why is it called a “one night stand”? What if it happens during the day? And there usually isn’t much “standing” going on. And if you met up with your “one night stand” let’s say five years down the road, and had sex again, does that eliminate that person from the “one night stand”-dom? Or do they just become a multiple offender of “one night stands”? Whatever the case, I can’t think of a more awkward feeling than waking up the next morning, half naked, next to someone you have no idea what to say to. Exactly where do you start? “Boy, you looked a hell of a lot different last night.” “Um, where’s the bathroom?” “Great weather we’re having, isn’t it?” The most classic line you can utter on the way out the door is, “Let’s go out sometime. I’ll call you.” I mean, if that number isn’t ripped into pieces within 5 seconds of walking out the door, something’s wrong. I take my opinion back. One night stands are hilarious. You’ve gotta try it sometime. -The only other thing I learned from these rapid fire question-and-answers was that all these girls, despite NEVER, EVER, EVER having one night stands, all considered themselves tigers in the bedroom, as opposed to a kitten. Uh huh. Makes a lot of sense. Tigers my ass. And exactly what is a “tiger” in the bedroom? Who says that? “How are you in the bedroom?” Here’s answers you most often hear: “Hot”, “Seductive”, “Wild”, “Crazy”, “A Gymnast”, “Ludicrous”, “Beyond your wildest fantasies”. I’ve never heard someone is a “tiger” in the bedroom. Let’s eliminate that phrase forever since it sucks. -After those non-revealing questions which all the girls lied about, Bob’s friends decide Mary, Estella, and Kelly Ho’ will get the one-on-one dates. Mary’s up first and gets to go to “Great America” up north. Bob and her get to rent the whole amusement park out to themselves for a whole night. “Wally World” revisited basically. But before we get started, Katie Holmes is feeling sorry for herself back at the mansion, so she decides to pull the ladies aside and talk to them. “The other girls can’t stand me. I’ve never had girls treat me like that in a long time.” Treat you like what? You hate them too, so what do you care? They don’t like you because you don’t give a crap about them. And now it’s their fault? Katie has some serious emotional issues she must tackle before moving forward in life. -Oh boy. Here she goes with the waterworks. “I’m so sorry you guys….it’s been so hard….I don’t know what I did….I swear what you’ve seen is not me….I’m really sorry if I’ve pulled away…..can you please not treat me like absolute garbage as I continue to take knives and shove them in your backs?…please.” I was actually impressed by the other five girls response. They pretended like they bought her little dog-and-pony show hook, line, and sinker, then proceeded to basically blow her off the rest of the show. Maybe I’m not giving them enough credit. Wait. Yes, I am. -Back to Bob and Mary at “Great America”. I don’t want her to win for this reason: The fact their names are Bob and Mary. How boring. We’ve had Alex and whoever he chose. Aaron and Helene. Andrew and Jen. Trista and Ryan. Bob and Mary? Yawn. Let’s have an exciting name for a couple, like, oh I don’t know….Steve and Jennifer. Or even Steve and Winona. Steve and Britney. Steve basically goes with anything, I think. Guess I’m just biased. -Next up for her date is Estella as her and Bob are headed to Las Vegas. Estella and Bob seem to be on the same wavelength heading into this one. Bob: “I can’t wait to go to Las Vegas with Estella to just screw around and have fun.” Estella: “I hope we get so drunk, we end up getting married, and don’t come back to the show.” Sounds like an interesting night planned for these two. Why would it not surprise me if Estella has morning sickness when they wake up? -Estella begins to open up to Bob telling him her father died a few years ago. Ok, we can now secure Estella’s seat in the final two if you’d like. Going to the father dying card during the one-on-one date is always a key strategic maneuver to advance in the game. Estella is quite a keen player. Let’s move in and take a closer look at her in action. “He and I were really close….I love my family….(here come the tears)….I miss him so much….(voice crackling)…..Let’s not talk about him anymore. Makes me sad.” Then they start kissing. Wow. She’s really good at switching subjects like that. Outstanding. Now they’re talking with their mouths a millimeter away from each other, he’s trying to kiss her, she’s in mid sentence being attacked by his tongue. I mean, let her breathe for God’s sake. When is the oxygen mask going to fall from the sky? -Back at our completely untidy mansion where the women supposedly left feminine hygiene products in the trash cans before leaving, the next gift box comes and says Brooke, Katie Holmes, and Meredith would be going on the group date. Meaning Kelly Ho’ gets Bob all to herself for the final one-on-one. This makes Mary the Latina Dancer cry because, well, I have no freakin’ idea why she’s crying. Oh yeah. It’s that whole “I-want-him-to-myself-and-I-don’t-want-him-touching-looking-feeling-kissing-or-groping-anyone-else” thing. It gets so bad she excuses herself to go up to the bathroom, where every girl at the house consoles her. Except Katie. She’s probably outside plotting her next nice thing to say to Bob about her roommates. -Back to Las Vegas, Estella and Bob arrive at their suite in Vegas and it’s basically a room that would cost any one of us about $1500 a night to stay there. These fortunate individuals get it on ABC’s dime. Nothing eventful here other than he and Estella do a lot more kissing, and Estella does some more crying because she just watched the scene before with Mary bitching about having to share Bob. Right on cue, Estella is bothered by Bob dating and mating with the others since she wants him to only be with her. This really isn’t even worth talking about anymore. For the last time, WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE EXPECT? He’s going to stick his tongue down every girls esophagus, he’s going to tell you all how much of a connection he has with you, and he’s going to develop feelings for more than one person. These women act like he’s only supposed to like them, and be a dick to all the other people. Doesn’t work that way. She eventually gets over it and makes out with him some more. -Time for the crappy group date up in a hot-air balloon. I’ve never been in one, I’m sure they’re great, except this balloon ride seemed to be over, well, ugly ass mountains. Where were they? Riverside? I’m sure they had some scenic views, but to me it looked like nothing but brown mountains every time they looked down. Since I’ve never been in one I guess I’m not expected to know the answer to this, but how in the hell do you direct something like that? How in the world do you end up in the same exact place you took off from? I mean, it’s a balloon, right? What happens when you have a balloon in your hand and you let go? Takes off and you never see it again. Seems to me this is the same concept but on a larger scale. I have no use for balloons. Balloons are good for two things: Attachments to flowers so your girlfriend/wife/mistress will give you sex, or, to make condom jokes. That’s it. Balloon animals are not funny. In fact, they frighten me. Oh hey, here’s one. Remember last week I told you about the bride’s best friend I tried to hook up with the night of their wedding and she shot me down? Come to find out later, she was “seeing” some guy at the time. You know what he did? Made balloon animals. No joke. This is so far removed from what I was talking about, I’ll just stop right here. -Once the balloon lands (of course they never showed us how), everyone played croquet. What a horses*** date. Croquet? Was Bochy Ball not available? Couldn’t play a few rounds of “Bingo”? Even old people think croquet sucks. Who plays that anymore? I say they should’ve struck up a nice game of shuffleboard to get this party started right. “Y’all want this party started…..quickly. Right? Play that beat, play that beat….BAM! Here we go!!!! Here we go!!!! Here we go, here we go, here we go!!!!” If anybody reading this ever thought in a million years I’d reference Freedom Williams and C&C Music Factory, you deserve a medal. I liked be-bopping around to them. Great tunes. “Things that make you go ‘Hmmmm’”. Very underrated song. Enough. -Meredith: “I find it ridiculous Bob says he likes everyone. That’s not normal.” No, what’s not normal is your perfectly square head. She’s got four right angles sitting atop her shoulders. Weird. And this chick came across as the favorite early on, but who urinated in her Cheerios in the past couple days. Does this chick smile anymore? She doesn’t look to happy about anyone or anything right now. -Brooke: “Tell me how you felt about not getting a one-on-one date with me.” I don’t remember what Bob’s answer to this was, all I know is that he completely avoided the question. Nice try Bob. Oh, and thank you for participating in our game Brooke. You and your frog eyes haven’t had more than 12 seconds of airtime this week. I’m guessing you’re not long for this game. -Bob: “I really don’t like being in this position.” Uh huh. Yeah, we envy you, big boy. Who wouldn’t want to make numerous appearances on “Oprah”, write a book, have 15,000 women send in videotapes wanting to meet you, have the chance to make out with 25 women on national television, and hold ABC hostage with all your demands before agreeing to come on the show. Woops. Did I say that? Hey, that’s what I heard. And if I heard it, it must be true. -Katie Holmes: “It pierced my heart when Bob said he had a connection with everyone.” You know, I’m really upset about something. The word “connection”, somehow, someway, just overtook “smitten” as the #1 cheeseball word on reality dating shows. It’s unbelievable. Oh, “smitten” had its run all right. Quite a good one too. Just couldn’t get over the hump and pass “connection”. I hate “connection”. Can someone think of a new word? I can’t find the “thesaurus” button on this computer. -Back at the mansion, Bob’s friends are leaving. Great. See ya. Are we supposed to be saddened by this? They spent a total of about 48 seconds on TV. The fact that ABC promoted how Bob’s friends were going to help him with his decision was kind of overplayed, don’t ya’ think? ABC? Overplay something? No way. They helped s***. And their departure lasted about 12 seconds. Let me do my math here for a second. (48+12=60 seconds=1 minute). Ok. I’m back. Thank you Greg, Katina, and Jamie for your 1 minute of fame. You may leave now. -Kelly Ho’s date is the final one and they’re going to have lobster and a stay-at-home dinner tonight. Kelly Ho is definitely nervous. “My heart is pounding. It’s about to jump out of my chest.” No it’s not. The saline will not allow it to do that. See, not many people realize that. Not only does the saline feel like a paperweight in there and make your breast stand straight up when you’re lying on your back, but it also prevents your heart from popping out of your chest. In case you didn’t know. -Bob’s cutting, and slicing, and dicing the lobster while Kelly Ho’ just watches and salivates. “Your hands are busy right now. I could just abuse you.” Hey now, woman. Don’t be doin’ that. Sexual abuse is not a laughing matter. Especially if you’re a 19 year old tramp in Eagle, Colorado and you had 3 guys in 3 nights doing the horizontal mambo with you. Well, that’s what they claim. And if they claim it, I believe it. I’m sure Kobe’s accuser’s parents are real proud that America is finding out what a true champ this chick was in the sack. And the fact she just likes putting on unwashed panties with other guy’s junk all over them when going for her hospital visit the day after the alleged attack makes her a VERRRRRRRRY reputable and believable person. This won’t go to trial. -After dinner, these two sit by the fire, and Kelly Ho’ breaks out some pre-Ho’ pictures. I think. She may have been a Ho’ then too. Kelly also brings up the fact her father died a couple years ago as well. She’s lost in the moment. “I’m completely falling in love with Bob.” They then proceed to the hot tub where she likes to takes her lips, put them on Bob’s lips, open her mouth, and start moving her tongue around like it’s having a spasm. Funny thing is, Bob likes doing the exact same thing. -So one final talk with the girls at the mansion before the big rose ceremony. Mary the Latina Dancer steals Bob away for a bit so she can hog him. “I missed you a lot. I really want a rose. But more than a rose, I want you.” Awwwww..(sniff, sniff). Mary’s so into Bob, she now says she wants to have his children. Sorry honey. We think Estella may have beaten you to that. Or Meredith. Or possibly Katie. You never know, Kelly Ho’ may have forgotten to take her pill as well. -Bob needs some alone time with Katie. She leaves by saying, “Ciao Chicas”. That’s “Bye ladies” in English. Apparently Katie is trilingual mixing Italian and Spanish for that grueling two-word sentence. The other five basically just don’t like it when Katie wakes up in the morning. They hate her so much, they eavesdrop on her conversation with Bob. “If I were you, I wouldn’t know which two to send home tonight. Everyone’s so awesome.” They bought this line as much as I buy Kobe went from seeing this chicks tattoo on her back, to suddenly banging her from behind. Uh huh. Last time I checked, very rarely is it that easy to begin the sex process. “Cool tattoo….woops….hey, how’d that happen? Well, might as well just have sex then.” Uh, no. This isn’t going to trial. -Time for the video messages. One last ditch effort to B.S. Bob into picking them to stick around tonight. Couple of these were good. Especially Mary’s which said, “It doesn’t take a roller coaster to make my heart race as I found out on our date. Give me a rose so I can give you a big, fat wet kiss.” Calm down, horndog. You’re scaring little children. And for the first time in 3 weeks, he did not pick up Katie’s “Pick me!” picture, and hold it in his hands like he was going to make love to it. Foreshadowing possibly? -Kelly Jo’s video message: “I’m feeling amazing. I can see myself waking up to you for the rest of my life.” I’m sure you can, and I’m sure he’s thrilled to be thinking that right now as well. “Gee, I’m 32 years old, I’m single, and this chick just reminded me I’m a couple weeks away from waking up next to same exact person for God knows how many years in a row.” What am I saying? All people are lovely in the morning. Even Kelly Ho. That is, of course, if all the makeup hasn’t completely created another face in the pillow. -Coming up they tell us, is “the most dramatic rose ceremony ever….”. Are you kidding me with this? They didn’t really say that for like the 642nd time did they? If anything, there was pretty much zero drama involved with this ceremony since we all knew Brooke the Virgin would be leaving, and it was just a matter of if Bob had had enough of Katie’s incessant bitching and moaning. -The Elimination Ceremony begins as Bob walks into the room. All the ladies are decked out in their formal gowns, Meredith has on her little choker, Mary the Latina Dancer is wearing her hot red dress…..and Estella has on white jeans. What the hell was that? Didn’t she get the invitation that this was formal attire. Why was she in jeans and a t-shirt? Or were those Capri pants? Regardless, she looked like she out at the bar. Man, she must’ve been pretty confident she was sticking around. -Time to eliminate….. Kelly Ho- She’s in love too. Mary- “Will you accept this rose?” “Absolutely. My answer will always be ‘yes’”. Hey Bob, you might want to hold her to that. Estella- “Will you accept this rose?” “Oh my God! Yes!” Easy there, actress. And go put on a dress. You’re embarrassing yourself. “Ladies. Bob. This is the final rose tonight.” No comment. Meredith- AWWWWWWW!!!!!!! Our little friend Katie is now gone. My prediction has been shot to hell. I have to rethink who my final two will be. Hmmmm….gimmie some time. -Afterwards, they don’t dedicate too much time to Brooke about why she think she got eliminated. Two reasons: 1) Her mascara was running down her face and she looked like a bad Halloween costume, and 2) well, why start giving her air time now? Everyone wants to see how Ms. Holmes reacts. And boy did she ever….. -Here were four of Katie’s parting shots as the door hit her in the ass on the way out…… “I don’t know what happened”. I do. You just got sh**canned for being a giant beyotch. “If I find out that someone said something bad about me to Bob….Yuck! Grow up! Get a freakin’ backbone.” Is she referring to Bob or to the girl who allegedly ratted her out? “I’m a great catch.” To who? You’re little innocent Southern Belle persona was exposed you witch. Whoever “catches” you will be subjected to a life of drama forever and ever. But you’re still hot. “He’d be lucky to have me.” Yes. Wouldn’t we all. “Lucky” isn’t exactly the word I’m looking for. -I just want to take a brief moment of silence for one of the greatest actors of all-time who just passed within the last 24 hours……… “Rerun” from “What’s Happening?” is dead. May he and that red beret rest in peace. Dwayne, Roj, and Dee better be at that funeral. ********************ANNOUNCEMENT******************* I am on a red eye flight out of town next Wed. night and not returning until Sunday. There will be no column next week as far as I know. I’ll probably tape the show and watch it on Sunday when I get back, so if I can bring myself to writing something next Sunday night, I may send something out on Monday. If you get nothing Monday, just know that I couldn’t bring myself to do it and I tried my best. Either that, or I was hungover from a weekend of drinking. Go Hokies. ********************ANNOUNCEMENT #2******************* We have a show starting on NBC on Mon. Nov. 3rd called “Average Joe”. Probably the only reality concept that hasn’t been explored. Fifteen guys competing for one girl. Only difference is, these guys are geeks. Some are computer nerds, some are 350 pounds, and some are just tools. But they all have one thing in common: They’re all ugly, and the chick they’re competing for is hot. Like, she’s a Kansas City Chief cheerleader hot, and she didn’t realize until she first met all the guys that they were ugly. Outstanding. This I have to see. And some other big news about this show: This girl was previously on “Meet My Folks” who’s parents had to pick a date to go to Hawaii with her. And who did her parents choose? None other than “Erica” from “For Love or Money 2”. Yes, Erica’s teenage slam now has her own show. I think I can bring myself to writing about this one. back to THE BACHELOR 4 index page
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