THE BACHELOR 4 10.30.03 As I sit here and type this recap, it’s currently 8:15 EST Thursday morning, and I’m currently on a prop plane heading from Atlanta to Roanoke, Virginia. I would’ve typed this last night on my flight from L.A. to Atlanta, but some of us need our sleep. And I love when they give me the window seat next to some guy with horrendous body odor. Makes for such a pleasant flight. Sitting on this prop plane, which has about 15 rows and about 10 other passengers, if I look out the window, I might actually be able to see the hamsters running full speed back where the engine should be. This is frightening. I didn’t know they actually made planes like this. And what has happened to the airline industry? Where are all the hot airline waitresses, or whatever they call themselves now? I’ve literally got two 50 year old women offering me a choice of water, prune juice, or a can of V-8. I hope I never have to fly a little chickens*** plane like this again the rest of my life. Anyway, onto last night’s show…… -Bob starts off in the opening scene preparing for his four dates to the ladies hometown. He also apparently has raided Andrew Firestone’s wardrobe in the last week and is now wearing his wool cap. Either that, or he’s become really good friends with our boy Enrique Iglesias. What’s happened to him? Couple years ago he was mounting every hot chick around in his videos, and since then, Anna Kournikova has slapped on the ball and chain to his ankles and he hasn’t been heard from since. Then again, would you mind being led around by that piece? Didn’t think so. -First date is with Mary the Latina Dancer Who Wants to Conceive a Child Today, and Bob’s headed to her hometown of Tampa, Fla. Bob seems to only have one concern about Mary so far. "Mary immediately wants a family. I want to make sure that’s something I want as well." What gave you that impression Bobby? Was it her persistence to go shopping at Toys-R-Us? Has she started wearing oversized clothing? Did she stop taking the pill? Maybe it’s none of those things, and Bob just kind of picked up on the fact that Mary the LDWWTCACT, can’t go one sentence without mentioning she wants Bob’s children quicker than you can say "psycho". But good for her. She’s 35, she’s at her sexual peak, let her feel how she feels. Just don’t let me hear about it every four seconds. -Bob asks Mary the LDWWTCACT what her definition of a perfect Sunday is. Sweet. I have a barf bag right in front of me so I have somewhere to unload while writing this nauseating sentence. "Waking up….looking at you….making breakfast…take our 3 boys and 2 girls to the park……" Ok, that’s enough. Gimmie another bag. 5 kids? For Christ sakes woman, you’ve known the guy for 3 weeks! And unless you plan on pumping out one kid a year, is five children a realistic goal at this point? Not that you can’t have kids after 40, but I’m guessing Bob isn’t too thrilled about firing away for children one week after he proposes. I mean, is there a more predictable ending to this relationship than, "Mary was ready to have kids, and I’m not. We’re in different places right now." Didn’t think so. -They arrive at Gloria Estefan’s house where Bob fits in about as much as I would on the Lakers. What’s wrong with this picture? Mary’s parents don’t speak a lick of English either. So of course, with her father speaking no English whatsoever, what does he decide to do? Pull Bob aside along with some other guy and talk to him. Makes perfect sense. Either the producers didn’t want to show us the translation going on, or there wasn’t any translation going on. Bob nodding his head and trying to pretend he knew what pops was saying might have been one of the funnier moments this season. Classic. -At the dinner table, Mary’s sister starts asking Bob a few questions. Finally, someone who speaks English. I thought for second they’d go to the "Joe Millionaire" card and start showing me subtitles. Was it just me, or do you also feel uncomfortable during this whole date? That’s what I thought. Boy, I sure enjoy answering for everybody today. Maybe it’s because I’m in such a crabby mood on this paper airplane I’m flying in. To give you an update, I was just given the worst snack known to mankind. Some Trail-mix-honey-roasted-peanuts-and-raisins concoction that I almost spit all over the computer screen. Somebody land this thing now. -Bob: "After spending time with Mary and her family, I realize it’s getting a whole lot more real now." Translation: I’m a round peg trying to fit in a square hole with this family. But Mary’s got a nice rack, so I can’t get rid of her just yet. -They go back to Mary’s place and cuddle on the couch as Mary takes said breasts, and delicately puts them right in Bob’s face while they’re cuddling. Hey, she knows how to play this game. "You don’t think you fit in with my family? Well, then I guess you’ll be missing these!" Bob can’t resist taking a quick glance or 20. -Mary: "Even if he can’t tell me in his words, I feel it when we kiss. I can see him down on his knees proposing to me." I’m sure you can Mary. You also see five kids with him as well. As opposed to the rest of us, who don’t see a damn thing happening between you two in the future. Bob still looks like he wants to have a little more fun before really getting serious. Mary is currently getting a noose fitted for Bob’s neck and has already picked out children’s names. Not gonna work. -And along those lines, Bob chimes in with, "Mary’s definitely looking for something more firm and solid than the other girls, and I gotta make sure that’s for me." Translation: Her body is keeping her in this game cuz’ there’s not a chance in hell I’m ready to get involved with that. -Commercial. This "Gothika" movie with Halle Berry and Robert Downey Jr. freaks me out. Not because I’m scared or anything, it just reminds me that Halle Berry just dumped her husband so she can keep banging Fred Durst without feeling guilty. Fred Durst. Another guy I don’t understand. Chicks love this guy. I’m telling you, just act like a bad ass, wear your hat backwards, get tattoos that cover your whole body, put a microphone in your face, and basically you may pick and choose what tail you want, when you want it, and how many times. Fred Durst? And as hot as Halle is, I don’t think she’ll ever be as hot as she was in "Boomerang", one of the all-time most underrated movies. I couldn’t begin to go over the great lines in that one. That movie also gave us the first sign Eddie Murphy was a little different and liked picking up transvestites in Hollywood since I’ve never seen a man wear so much make-up on film. -Time for Bob to head to Kelly Ho’s hometown of Wheaton, Illinois. I know nothing about Wheaton, Illinois. North side. South side. East side. West side. No idea. But by the looks of things, it didn’t do much for me. As they arrive at Kelly Ho’s house, Bob is greeted by her mother who decides to mount him in front of the cameras, jumping into his arms and straddling him while he holds her up. Well, the apple definitely doesn’t fall to far from the tree in that family. -After Mother Horndog gets down off Bob, they sit down to eat and she asks, "What did you first think of Kelly when you saw her?" Bob said all the right things that you’re supposed to say to mom’s in that situation, and added that she was the first girl he kissed. I’m sure this came as no shock to mommy whatsoever. If she’s gonna raise her little ho’ correctly, how disappointed would she be to find out how passive she was in their first meeting? You’ve done a great job, Mom. -Mother Ho’ to Daughter Ho’: "Are you feeling a connection from him?" "Oh yeah. Without a doubt." That’s what they’re all saying, Ho’. Everyone’s got a connection. Everyone thinks Bob wants them more than he wants the others. Everyone thinks Bob’s tongue is better in their mouth than the others. It’s just one big never-ending cycle of clueless women. Except at the end of the show, one of the clueless actually ends up having a clue. And Bob and her live happily ever after as they sell out for a million bucks to have their wedding broadcast on ABC even after saying they don’t want a huge publicized wedding. Woops. Wrong couple. -Mother Ho’ takes Bob outside by herself I’m guessing, so she can get some alone time with him and steal his tongue away from her daughter. Nope. Wrong again. She takes him outside to give him a 5 minute sales pitch on her daughter. Wow. She’d make a great used car salesman. Great job of pumping up her daughter. I thought she was gonna break out the pom-poms and big letters that spelled out "K-E-L-L-Y-H-O". Did you ever wonder why cheerleaders felt the need to spell things out for us during games? Did they think if they didn’t hold up the giant bold letters that the fans would be utterly clueless as to what came next? Maybe it was reverse psychology. Maybe they needed it for their own good. Ah hah. I might be on to something here. -Nonetheless, an overall productive visit by Bob. He got along well with the mother. I mean, who wouldn’t when the minute you walk in the door, she jumps on you like a dog in heat? They head back to the Ho’s place and much of the same stuff is said about a connection, love, marriage, proposing, and making out. No mention of kids though. -All right. The captain has just informed me we are 15 minutes from landing so all cellphones and electronic devices must be shut off. That’s my cue. I’ll have to pick this up either later on tonight or tomorrow morning. Or Sunday night. Who knows when I’ll get back to this. -Ok, we resume our regularly scheduled column at 10:20 am EST Thursday morning. Throw in a little hangover, a dance club fight where some chick gave some guy a bloody eye by punching him right in the face, that same club not allowing guys to dance on stage, only girls, then getting lost on the Virginia Tech campus at 1:30 in the morning. Taxicabs are a foreign concept to these people. Cabs don’t come around when the bars close. You have to call for them. And since I didn’t have a yellow pages under my arm at the time, I ended up asking some random person to order a cab. What the hell? I got a nice view of the campus at least. And there might be a misconception that since I’m in Virginia that we’re dealing with nothing but a bunch of toothless inbreds and all the chicks are ugly. Uh, no. -So where were we? Oh yeah, time for Bob to visit Bitter Meredith’s parents in Portland, Oregon. Bitter Meredith became Bitter Meredith….uh, I don’t know when. About 3 seconds ago. She just decided not to smile anymore and never look happy. That’s too bad. Granted, her grandmother maybe passed away, but you’re trying to win a husband here honey. You might want to smile every once in a while. Isn’t that the beginning to a poem or song or something? -They start off by frolicking around in the pool. And by "frolicking" I mean making out, groping each other, and Bob spitting water in her face. The sexual undertones behind that act is just too raunchy to get into. But Meredith didn’t seem to like it. Especially when she said, "Am I hanging out with my brother?" So here’s what Bob looks at when he sees Bitter Meredith right now. An emotional roller coaster who doesn’t smile and despises when things are shot in her face. Exit stage left please. -Bob: "I love spending time with her. We talk about nothing." Hey, where can I get one of those? You talk about nothing? What about that one date you went on and you had that great conversation about global warming? Or when you guys were on the group date and you sat down to discuss with her the pros and cons of Ah-nold being elected governor. Bob, you talk about nothing with all these chicks. How can you with tongue firmly implanted inside other girls mouth? If that last sentence wasn’t grammatically correct, good. It wasn’t supposed to be. -Bitter Meredith: "I like him a lot. I can’t see him with anyone else but me." Uh huh. So what do you like about him? The fact you talk about nothing? The fact you haven’t smiled in two weeks? Elaborate please, Meredith. We’re all dying to know. Because frankly, you’re hanging on by a string right now and Mary has a pair of scissors ready to send you rolling down a hill. -Talking with the Bitter One’s family, Meredith’s dad basically asks Bob what his plans are if mortgage rates go in the crapper? Translation: How are you going to support my daughter if your business goes under? Nice question, pops. Very warm and endearing to a potential future son-in-law. I’m guessing Bob stored that one in the back of his head on elimination night. -Meredith did have a really nice family though. Mom seemed normal, her dad, outside of that gold digging question didn’t seem half bad. And Bob seemed to like her brother despite the fact someone took both their hands and permanently squished his face together. -And one other thing I noticed over dinner was Meredith’s incessant hanging all over Bob. Geez woman, put down the wine. She’s got both arms draped on him, she’s leaning her head on his shoulder when he’s talking to her parents, and I’m sure she was all up in his junk under the table. Hey, I’m all for PDA, but ease up around the parents. Why not just let them watch you two have sex? And is PDA really such a big issue with women? I’ve seen both ends of the spectrum on that one. And it always comes back to bite me in the ass. I with one girl who isn’t into it, then the next girl I’m with, since the other one wasn’t into it, makes me think that this one’s not into it, so I back off a little bit and then I get called "insensitive." If I’ve learned anything about women in my years on this planet, I think it’s been this: You can’t win no matter what. -Bob departs Meredith’s place with "I love your family. They’re awesome." Funny thing is, he’s said that about the other two he’s just visited. And you know what? I’m guessing he’ll be saying that about Estella’s once he leaves there too. Bob’s playing the field like Willie Mays right now. Tell em’ all you want to be with them, tell em’ all how much you loved their families, then BAM! Throw in the, "I just didn’t see myself with her" card. Works all the time. -Final date to visit Estella at her place in Beverly Hills. Is this the first time we’ve seen Estella with her hair down? Usually it’s yanked back all the way so face stretches along with it. We definitely like the hair down, Stella. Do you mind if I call you Stella? Do you care? Are you even reading this? Good. I’ll call you whatever I damn well please. And you know what else I’ve noticed about Estella? She’s kinda got that Trista baby voice thing going at times. Or is that just the way she is? I need a little more time on this one. The last thing I’d want to do is rush to judgment on anyone involved in this show. That would just be rude. -Estella is still bothered by the fact Bob dates other women. You mean to tell me we’re this far into the show and "Ms. Insecurity" is still having problems with that? That’s it. Someone remove her right now. No more of this crap. Just kidding. Let’s leave her on the show. She’s pleasant enough to look at despite that horrible insecurity of hers. Although the way she can take her bottom lip and stretch all the way down as low as her chin, ala Sylvester Stallone, could get annoying after a while. Maybe Trista’s younger sister is more annoying than we thought. -"Coming up! Bob’s most difficult decision yet!" How can every week be the most difficult decision? How do they get away with saying that every week? Every ceremony is the "most dramatic" and every decision is supposedly "life altering". What a load of crap. -Time to deliberate with the host who we are definitely seeing less and less of. Mary: "You put a smile on my face." Yes he does. And quite a little horse face you have going on as well. Kelly Ho: "My family knows it’s real. I know it’s real. Let’s take the next step." Big words. What’s the next step? Haven’t they already done everything? Bitter Meredith: "My feelings are bigger than any rose. I’m ready to be with you." Great. And Bob’s not ready to be with you. Estella: "I am totally in it." Huh? Definite Beverly Hills girl. "Totally"? I was expecting her to follow that with a "For sure". -"When we come back, it’s the most dramatic……" Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Bob has a little speech for the ladies before he sh*tcans one of them. "If I had four roses, I’d give you all one. I don’t. I only have three." No s***? And this whole time I thought you had ten? Might have been one of the worst pre-dumping speeches ever given. Even Andy, who had trouble putting complete sentences together at times, never spit out anything that lame and unprepared. Yikes. -As we know, Meredith gets the boot. But what was up with her showing class on the way out the door? Go down fighting. Start talkin’ s***. I don’t need to see you do nice-nice when Bob just dumped you on national television. What an awkward moment when he took her outside before she left. They barely said anything to each other. And he never even gave her a reason why he dumped her. But he tells the camera, "Ultimately I didn’t think she and I were right together as a couple." That’s great, Bob. Any reason for that? I need to know this stuff. I need to know you didn’t like her head shaped like a box. I need to know her brothers squished face scared the bejesus out of you. Something. Anything. -So when the Bitter One gets in the limo, she finally let’s loose a little bit. "I’m mad. I’m not with Bob. I’m pissed." "I know what Bob’s looking for and it’s not in that house. It’s in the limo on the way home." That’s what I’m lookin’ for sweetie. Take the gloves off. Call him a prick. Send an email virus to him. -Next week are the three solo romantic dates. I swear to God, if Sedona, Arizona is shown again, I will never watch this show as long as I live. Yeah right. Plus, next week is the overnight date, where the element of surprise has completely been thrown out the window on this one. "Here are the keys to a room….if you decide to forgo….." I mean c’mon already. This is the episode where all the sex happens. We know they’ll offer the key to every couple, and you know they’ll all accept, and you know there’ll be tons of sex going on. My favorite episode awaits. Until next week…… back to THE BACHELOR 4 index page
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