THE BACHELOR 4 10.8.03 “Last night’s episode of ‘The Bachelor’ brought to you by Kleenex. For all ten blubbering women to go through fifty boxes over the course of an hour.” What the hell was that? I haven’t seen that much crying on television since Kobe Bryant’s press conference. Don’t you love how Kobe went out and draped his arm with a tattoo of a crown, on top of his wife Vanessa’s name. Wasn’t that cute? Great Kobe. What happens when you guys end up divorced? I don’t think that’ll just wash off. I was a huge Kobe Bryant fan before everything went down, but geez, this guy hasn’t done anything right in the last month. Put aside the rape conviction for a second, and he’s acting like the biggest p****whipped man on the planet. For God sakes Kobe, she’s a little girl. Paying for her mother’s mortgage, buying her 8 carat diamond rings, and sobbing like a 3 year old on national television doesn’t make you look strong. It makes you look whipped. Enough about him, he’s got enough problems to deal with. Onto last night’s batch of hallucinating women….. -We open the show with Bob (yes, I’ve used every adjective in the dictionary to describe his slim physique. I’m done now. He’s just Bob) by himself in the pool collecting his thoughts on the ten tramps he’s kept around. There’s a good ten second shot of him right at the edge of the pool by the wall, in deep thought, with drink in hand that I’m sure the show wanted to make you think, “He’s really got a tough decision to make here.” Actually, I was wondering whether or not he was urinating at that point. I guess we’ll never find out. -Chris the host comes in to tell us Bob will be going on two group dates, and two 1-on-1 dates. And the women will be choosing those dates. They must each go into a private room and write down who they think is the most compatible and least compatible with Bob. The other girls will not get to see who they voted for, and you can’t vote for yourself. Immediately you knew Katie Holmes was pissed about this. She thinks Bob should propose to her yesterday. So we begin the voting process, and Jeff tells the Drake Tribe…..woops. Wrong show again. They only show five of the ten women’s votes. They were: Meredith- Brooke was most compatible. And, she thought Lee-Ann was least compatible. Shocker. She said Lee-Ann was immature and that she didn’t see them together. Katie Holmes- Mary was most compatible. And Brooke was the least compatible because, even though she was gorgeous, she was too snappy for Bob. “Hello pot, it’s the kettle calling.” -They flash back to the room where all the ladies are sitting and every single one of them is in tears. I have no idea why. Like I said, the others aren’t seeing who you’re voting for. Why the hell are these people so hysterical? If anything, I figured they’d be thrilled to vote on who they thought didn’t deserve Bob. What a weird scene. Quit crying, ladies. I just ate dinner. Don’t make me throw it up all over my notes. This is ridiculous. Everyone that gets up to leave the room to go vote is crying, they’re crying when they’re writing down they’re vote, they’re crying on the way back, they’re hugging each other as they pass by…..what is this? Did somebody die? Yet another reason I don’t understand the opposite sex. Mary- Antoinette is the most compatible. And Lee-Ann is the least compatible because she’s immature and not ready for marriage. Do you see a pattern developing here? I thought so. Katie Holmes is slowly becoming the most hated female in “Bachelor” history. And to think two weeks ago, she was so sweet and innocent. Hey, had me fooled. I bought it hook, line, and sinker. She reeled me right in, then tore my guts away. Ok. Enough fishing references. Jenny- Says Estella is most compatible. And Lee-Ann is least compatible because she’s immature…..wait. I’m sorry. Jenny didn’t vote for Lee-Ann. I’m just so used to writing it, it kinda slipped out. Actually Jenny thinks Antoinette is least compatible because she doesn’t smile enough and needs to be more friendly. Ok. Another reason: Antoinette has gone from a brunette to a blonde in two shows. What the hell happened there? Antoinette- This was unbelievable. Remember when you were three, and you’d be crying so hard and so loud, that when you tried to speak, you couldn’t put a complete sentence together without sniffling every other word. Multiply that by ten, and that’s how Antoinette gave us her votes. Holy s***. I still can’t get over how hysterical this whack job was. “I…don’t…want…to…do….this.” Most compatible: Meredith. Least Compatible: Lee-Ann. Antoinette has earned herself a nickname for that performance. She’s now just the Blubbering Idiot. -Commercial. Boy, ABC is really hyping up this “T.G.I.F.” lineup. “George Lopez”, “Hope & Faith”, and some other shows that nobody’s watching. Back in the day, watching TV at home on Friday nights was actually normal. Uh, not anymore. Who watches their favorite TV shows on a Friday night? If you’re doing a pilot, and the network says it’s going to try it out on Friday night, consider it cancelled. People over 65 and children under 10 watch TV shows on Friday nights. Not the demographic they’re after. Good luck, Kelly Ripa. Hope your show is just as nauseating as your morning show with the old guy. “Ooohhhh…Who’s gonna be Regis’ new partner? Will be her? How ‘bout her? What about her?” Who cares? Talk about overhyped. Replacing Kathie Lee with Kelly is like asking me if want herpes or gonorrhea. -After the voting, Host Chris says that not only was the person who was voted “most compatible” get a solo date with Bob, so does the person who was voted “least compatible”. Gee, who could that be? Meredith wins a solo date with Bob for being most compatible. So she’s giving everyone hugs and being congratulated when the camera pans to the phone ringing. For a second, I thought I was watching “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?” I was half expecting the fat guy with the lie detector test to knock on the front door. So did ABC ask CBS and NBC if they could rip off “Survivor” and “Meet my Folks” in this episode? By the way, in case you didn’t hear, the Dad on “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?” is no longer getting married to the old lady that his kids chose for him. He cited logistical reasons for him not going through with it. Logistical reasons? Well, when he asked her to marry him, didn’t she assume that also meant, “Look woman, you’re also moving out here into my 10 million dollar home?” She didn’t get that apparently. I’m sure Patrick Stewart is crushed he can’t marry her. What with a Former Miss USA and her giant rack still available, what’s a man to do? What’s the over/under on the number of minutes it took for him to pick up the phone and say, “Look, my kids chose the old one. I wanted you the whole time”? -Well, the phone rang and it was Meredith’s mother telling her that her grandmother had passed. Obviously, losing a loved one isn’t really something make fun of, so I won’t. I’ll just say this. Did Meredith’s mother sound like the most insensitive giver-of-bad-news, or was it just me? “Meredith, it’s mom….Nanny has died….breakfast…heart attack….it was painless….happens all the time….I want you to stay there….the funeral will only be about 10-15 minutes…..maybe we’ll go put some flowers on her grave when you get back….take care.” There’s no way that could’ve been her mom’s mom. She must really dislike her in-laws. Hey, that’s the way it came across on T.V., so that’s what I’m gonna believe. I believe everything I see on T.V. -Hey, check it out. They’ve added a new phrase for when they go to commercial. We’ve heard all the other snazzy ones. “Coming up!….” “When we return…..” “Still to come….” “And later….” “Up next…..”. Well, we got a new one last night. Sort of. They went with, “Next up…..” So very original since they just reversed “Up next…..” Hey, someone’s got to pay attention to the minor details, and dammit if it ain’t me, then who will it be? -So Bob and Meredith get in the limo for their 1-on-1 date and Meredith tells him about Granny’s passing. Bob immediately pouts because he knows Meredith will now be in a bad mood all day long, and he won’t get any action. Uh, kidding. Bob is the greatest human known to mankind, of course he didn’t act that way. Played the sensitive card, was very nuturing, listened real well, offered the best advice he could, basically he laid the groundwork so he could still get some action at the end of the night. A job well done done, Bobbo. -So Bob and Meredith arrive at Seal Beach in Orange County where horses are waiting for them. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa. Hold up a second. Seal Beach? I grew up two minutes from Seal Beach and spent many a high school night on that beach in full make out/groping/sand everywhere mode. Oh, this is gonna be good. By the way, the next time you’ll see horses at Seal Beach is the next time you’ll Kelly Ho not acting like a hooker. -Bob and Meredith do the walk along the water with the sun setting, and beautiful pier shot in the background. Couple things here. Number one, been there, done that Bob. That was an all time classic back in the day. I mean, if you couldn’t get laid after taking the walk on the beach, you’ve got no game. Secondly, that pier burned down about five years ago. Maybe longer. Just hasn’t been the same since they rebuilt it. And the “Ruby’s” restaurant at the end of the pier is a nice, little quaint place if you want to have a cheap, quick dinner where you can speed up the process of possibly scoring later in the night. I had an ex that worked at “Ruby’s”. Not that one. The one in Huntington. Ever seen those candy-cane striped outfits they make the waitresses wear? Yeah daddy. -So Bobby and Meredith walk up to a giant sandcastle where a table, two chairs, and a candlelight dinner is set up. Awwwww…how special. Bob is feeding her oysters as an appetizer. Meredith isn’t a big fan of oysters. In fact, she doesn’t know how to eat them. So Bob helps her out by uttering “Quote of the Night #2”: “Just slurp it.” Oh boy. -Their conversation over dinner is nothing special other than her being surprised she’s still in the game. Meredith was the first girl Bob gave a rose to last week, yet she thought she was going to be eliminated. To which Bob says, “Really? I don’t know what it is that has kept you here, but I’m thankful for it.” That must’ve made her feel good. A true Casanova that Bob is. And oh yeah, there was TONS of making out on this date. TONS. At dinner, on the beach, under a blanket. Bob sealed the deal. Not THAT sealed the deal, sicko. He earned major points with Meredith. -Back at the trashed mansion, Date Box #2 comes and it’s for Kelly Ho, Mary, and Misty. They’ll get to wear sexy lingerie and sing Karaoke to/with Bob. These dates are getting better and better. So immediately the girls put on their lingerie and prance around like little teenagers. Which I’m sure every male watching didn’t mind. Kelly Ho even laid face down across Misty’s legs and had “Quote of the Night #1”: “Spank me! Spank me! Spank me!” You know, if only more women were as…….forget it. Kelly is definitely living up to her nickname. -Date #2 starts as Bob comes and picks up the three skanks in the lingerie. They’re already sauced, and they’re in lingerie. I can’t imagine this date going bad for Bob. Ladies, there is nothing sexier than lingerie. Wear it. Wear it often. Wear it everyday. Wear it when we least expect it. Just wear it. If you’re in a relationship, and you don’t have a lingerie night at least twice a week, your man is not happy. And if you are having lingerie night twice a week, and your man doesn’t care, then you’re with the wrong man. You know where to find me. -So, the first karaoke song Bob sings is with Mary, and they’ll be singing “Open Arms” by Journey. Let me just say this: Everyone always tells you there’s some things you have to do at least once in your life. Bunjee jump, sky diving, visit the Grand Canyon, et cetera, et cetera. I’m throwing something else onto that list. If you’ve never made out to “Open Arms”, consider yourself missing out. Call me a cheesedick, call me sappy, but I’m sorry, you’ve gotta go at it to that song at least once in your life. Great vibe. Anyway, so Bob starts revealing his singing voice to us by belting out a couple lines. “Ly-ing beside you….here in the dark….” Not bad. I can see “Fat Amy” goin’ places. Then we get to the chorus and Bob is in full panty-remover mode with his singing, “So…now….I….come to you….with open arms….” WHAT?!!! Those aren’t the words. It’s “Turn to you with open arms.” Isn’t it? Whatever. The girls are almost passed out by this point. He could start gangsta rapping and it wouldn’t matter. He’s successfully turned all three of them to jelly. More power to him. -Which is a lesson to any guy out there who’s having trouble with the ladies. Are you having problems getting dates? Maybe you think it’s your clothing style the chicks don’t like? Maybe it’s your hair? Maybe you just aren’t a good conversationalist? Here’s the cure: Learn how to sing. You could be the ugliest mf’er on the face of the earth, but if you can sing, you can basically pick and choose which tail you want. It never fails. Look at Steven Tyler. Might be one of the ugliest humans alive. Chicks love that guy. Mick Jagger. The list goes on. -So they break up “Karaoke night” by taking us back to the mansion, where Katie Holmes is basically forcing everyone to hate her. She tells the girls that she’s really getting a negative vibe from some of the girls because her and Bob clicked the other day when they went off on their date and tongue wrestled for a half an hour. Well, considering three of the five that we saw voted Katie the “least compatible” I’m guessing those other two wish they could’ve changed their vote. It’s during this debate that Katie got off her “I’m not talking to you Jenny. If I was, I’d say Jenny” line. That scored her some points. Not even Kirsten was this bad. She just ignored the other chicks while trying to rape Andrew. Katie is stealing him for hours on end AND pissing everyone off at the house. Great strategy. -Katie Holmes: “These girls want me to pretend like we’re sisters. No, no, no. Gag me.” Gag me? Did she just say “gag me”? With a spoon? I have literally not heard that phrase in seventeen years. Do people in Georgia still say that? What the hell kind of 80’s time warp is she living in? Does she still wear florescent stockings, with “Frankie Goes to Hollywood” T-shirts, and have her bangs teased? Katie is really disappointing me with her behavior. -Back to where the fun is, Kelly Ho and Misty are now prancing around together in their silk robes and other goodies singing, “Girls Just Want to Have Fun”. Another classic 80’s song and movie. I mean, can you believe Sarah Jessica Parker, Helen Hunt, and Shannen Doherty made a movie together about trying to win a spot on “Dance TV”? Uh, oh. Here we go. So was “Dance TV” a real show? Did they really hold open tryouts in the middle of some park? Why couldn’t Helen Hunt dance? Isn’t “Tune in Tokyo” some kind of sexual assault in certain states? Why aren’t there any DJ’s around anymore as cool as Richard Blade? Did you actually think their final routine was worth winning a spot on “Dance TV”? Very debatable. Yeah, it was about age 11 where life passed me by. -Bob and Misty are now sharing tongues in the back room. He’s a perfect 3-for-3 on this date. Bob is da’ man. After suffocating each other for a few minutes, Bob comes up for air and asks Misty, “Do you mind if I actually do that?” Did a guy just ask that question? Don’t guys just do it, then if they’re rejected, they stop? Hmmmm….never tried that one before. Hey, worked for Bob. Must work for everyone. “Do you mind if I actually do that?” Well, if she just let you, I’m assuming you don’t need to be asking that. Trying doing something else, then ask if she minds that. -After their love encounter in the make out room, it’s back out to the stage where Bob and Kelly Ho are now singing the ever-so-80’s “Jesse’s Girl” by Rick Springfield. What, no “867-5309?” No, “99 Luftballoons?” How ‘bout a little “Take on Me” by A-ha? This 80’s flashback episode of “The Bachelor” is brought to you by the Rubik’s cube, Slinky’s, Garbage Pail Kids, and NFL football pencils. Collect all 28 of them! Can you believe there was actually a time when women in this country were debating on who was hotter between Rick Springfield and John Stamos? -So after that stirring rendition of “Jesse’s Girl”, Kelly Ho makes it a perfect 4-for-4 night for Bob as their tongues meet for a game of war. And oh yeah, we get to see half of Kelly Ho’s ass during the make out session. Misty and Mary have had enough of this so they barge in, all hop in bed, and Bob is in the middle of the Kelly Ho-Misty-Mary sandwich. There are definitely worse places to be. How Bob is not completely popping out of his pajamas right now, I have no idea. -Bob ends the show with the classic: “This is the most enjoyable time you’ve had on this whole experience.” Wait. I thought the date with Meredith was? Oh I get it. Somehow three half naked women laying all over you after you made out with each one of them kinda bumped that lil’ romantic dinner date to 2nd place. Can’t see why. -So there was no rose ceremony last night, so no one was eliminated. Next week, the girl voted “least compatible” gets her date with Bob, along with the remaining five women who get a group date. Yes, Katie Holmes is voted “least compatible” to which she is thrilled to death of. As they show clips from next week, we get to hear three classic quotes from Ms. Katie Holmes. 1) “I don’t care if they don’t think Bob and I are compatible because I know we are. This just backfired in all their faces.” You know the fact that she’s considered least compatible just means that she’ll rub it in even further that she gets a solo date. If she isn’t naked at some point on that date, she screwed up. 2) “Orgasmic is the word to describe the moment.” Yep, she got naked. 3) Then we see her pulling Bob aside and laying this beauty on him. “If I’m not one of the last girls standing, send me home.” Are you kidding me? She actually had the balls to say that? Wouldn’t that kind of give away the show? Katie Holmes is seriously beginning to make the show all about her. Just like I like it. -With no rose ceremony last night, and ten women still remaining, I figured I would handicap the rest of the field using quotes from one of the greatest sports movies of all-time, and, one of the seven movies I can recite word for word. The incomparable “Rocky III”. “Balboa’s so predictable and stupid, the man comes straight ahead. He’s tailor made for me, and he’s gonna get hurt.” I think this is for Kelly Ho. She throws it all out there for the guy, basically playing the tramp card, but in the end, she will end up getting hurt. Nice try though. “I think that maybe it’s time that I should uh….step down maybe, and…..retire.” Karin the Token. She means well, she beat out fifteen other girls, but Bob just doesn’t seem like the Jungle Fever type. Call me crazy. “Balboa was a fine champion, but his time has passed. We wish him luck.” Mary the dancer. She can now go back to cheering the Tampa Bay Bucs who I officially hate now after they blew a 21 pt lead with under 4 minutes left on Monday night, thus knocking me out of my Suicide football pool. Way to go, Tampa. Feel free to put a guy on Marvin Harrison at any time now. “Ain’t so bad! Ain’t so bad! Ain’t so bad!” Estella. Basically put Katie Holmes in her place last night by telling her to continue to be her miserable self while everyone else has fun. Not bad. In fact, “Ain’t so bad!” “I can’t be beat, and I won’t be beat. This time I’m gonna train even harder. There won’t be no quick knockdown. I’m gonna torture him, I gonna crucify him. Real bad.” Meredith. After that beach date, she’s definitely a favorite to win this thing and isn’t going away easily. “To all my love slaves out there. Thunderlips is here. In the flesh, bay-ba.” Misty. I was debating whether or not this should be Kelly Ho, but I heard some rumors about Misty, and, well, let’s just leave it at that. “Is that what you think Clubber’s gonna do? He ain’t gonna kiss ya’, he gonna kill ya.” Basically what I think of Antoinette’s chances. She has two: slim and none. “I’m afraid! All right! Wanna hear me say it! Wanna break me down! All right, I’m afraid. For the first time in my life I’m afriad.” Jenny, for her fear of Katie Holmes after Katie jumped all down her neck for speaking. Kick her ass, Jenny. “Boy, awesome. Awesome.” Brooke. For being one of the hotter looking women left. (Best scene of the movie) “Hey woman! Hey woman! Listen here. Since yo’ man ain’t got no heart, maybe you’d like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night thinkin’ you had a real man don’t ya’? Well I tell you what, you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I’ll show you a real man….” This is Katie Holmes. Except she’s playing the part of Mr. T here going after Bob. If that makes any sense whatsoever. Basically, Katie is going to seduce Bob until he makes her his wife. Simple as that. Got it? back to THE BACHELOR 4 index page
©2003 realitysteve.com. All opinions expressed on realitysteve.com are those of its writers only.