THE BACHELOR 4 11.12.03 Let’s immediately begin with something very serious that has upset me tremendously these past few days. I don’t know who it was, I don’t know where it came from, and I don’t know if I’ll ever track this person down, but I received an email the other day from someone, and for the life of me, I cannot get over this. Frankly, I find it appalling, perverse, and I wish horrible things on the low-life that felt the need to email me the 3 minute Paris Hilton sex tape. I mean my God people. Grow up. Do I really need to see the sexual exploits of some coked out teenager with Shannen Doherty’s ex-husband? Her dad must be proud. I sat there for all 3 minutes, trying and trying and trying and trying to figure out who would send such a filthy piece of garbage that I have no use for. It still sickens me and from now on, I will never again open an email that has the subject, “Paris Hilton Sex Tape”. Just flat out wrong. One question about the tape: Could someone have turned the lights on? Would’ve enhanced the quality of the cinematic production I think they were striving for. Just a suggestion. -Last nights, “Bachelor: The Women Bore Us to Death” was yet another horrible recap show that ABC has seemed to master with their poor editing, canned laughter, and ridiculous questions from the gaggle of misfits they call an audience. I can honestly say this was the worst one yet. Either these women weren’t as interesting than I originally thought, or it was that bad. I’m starting to think a combo of both. And considering only about six of the twenty-three women even opened their mouth, this made for quite a long hour of television. So pardon me if I tend to stray in this column. -Ok. I know some of you are asking, “Where’s our ‘Average Joe’ Recaps? There’s been two episodes and we haven’t seen anything.” That is correct. I’ve watched both episodes and here is how I honestly feel. I think the whole allure of these columns I write is to poke fun at the actor/model types that are after 15 minutes of fame, or basically think they’re the s**t. They make it so easy to make fun of them. I sat down to watch “Average Joe”, began taking my notes, then realized, “This show is sad. I feel sorry for these guys.” I mean, there isn’t really anything funny about calling a 350 pound guy “fat.” Why? Because he is. No need for me to point it out again. Contrary to some people’s opinion, I do have a heart. These guys have been made fun of their whole life, and there’s really no place for me to sit here and pile on. That’s just how I feel. Call me soft, tell me to suck it up and make fun of them. I just can’t. I honestly don’t think I could write anything funny about that show. Sure, I could mention what a prick I think Zach is. And of course I could mention that Tony Gonzalez of the Chiefs has probably had sex with Melana numerous times, hence the reason for him appearing on Monday’s show. But overall, I don’t think I could really write an entertaining column. I apologize to anyone who I disappointed. Ok, back to making fun of these ladies…. -The show starts out by bringing Mary up on the “hot seat.” Yeah. Hot seat. With the hard-hitting, Barbara Walters-esque questions being asked of these ladies, “hot seat” doesn’t even begin to describe the amazing pressure these ladies were under. Please. Hot seat? Try cool pillow. There was nothing hot about that seat. Except when Katie Holmes sat in it. Look, her personality may induce vomiting, and she might rub everyone in America who wathced this show the wrong way, but dammit, she’s hot. I’m sorry. -Anyway, the host felt the need to tell us that Mary, at the ripe old age of 35, was our oldest bachelorette ever. Huh? She was? Wasn’t Mother Cristina who Andrew dumped like 46 or something? I’m sure this is a proud accomplishment that Mary will tell her kids….next year. Why did they tell us this? Is there going to be a “Bachelor” trivia game appearing soon? I think they should come up with one. Just meaningless trivia questions from all the “Bachelor” shows, and whoever answers the most questions wins the “biggest loser” award for the night. Where can I buy one? I might be the reigning king someday if they ever came out with that game. “Who has a more annoying baby voice? Trista or Estella? What number do you get when you add up: 1) the number of free plugs the “Firestone Winery” got 2) the number times the word “connection” was used 3) the number of different tongues Bob put in his mouth and, 4) the number of women who had mascara running all down their face at some point after a rose ceremony. Hell, if no one wants to make the game, I’ll make it myself. -Watching a recap of Mary’s journey to dumping was really pathetic to watch. Did I miss it the first time around when she said, “I can see Bob being the father of my children”? She really said that? She didn’t say, “Bob would make a great husband someday.” She didn’t say, “Bob is the man of my dreams and the one guy I’ve been looking for my whole life.” No, she said, “I can see Bob being the father of my children.” Nice one, lady. And veerrrrrrrrrry shocking to hear our little Ms. Mary has been engaged twice already. Think those guys ran screaming from the altar? Me too. -Mary took one question from one of the other bachelorettes and it was from Lanah. Lanah was the stalker-type chick that basically plotted and schemed to get a ring from Bob the minute Trista fed him the B.S. line of “I had one more rose to give out tonight, it would’ve been to you.” Uh huh. Anyway, Lanah the stalker asks Mary, “Why did you go into detail about children?” Hey, who the hell are you? She got to the Final Four. Leave her alone. The woman had her reasons, let her deal with them herself. No need to pile on the chick now. She’s hurting. I just want to point out that I took some measuring tape to the television to measure the distance between the bottom of Lanah’s nose to the top of her upper lip and it measured in at a cool 6 inches. And that’s on television. A definite “Extreme Makeover” candidate. -Commercial. Mary Kate and Ashley Olson are in a Disney made-for-TV movie called “The Challenge.” Is it just me, or is the success of Mary Kate and Ashley Olson slowly becoming the 9th Wonder of the World? I mean, you realize these chicks are worth like $20 billion or something ridiculous like that. How? It’s not like their acting skills blew us away on “Full House.” There was a great show. John Stamos with a mullet, America’s corniest father in Bob Saget, and the other dude that wasn’t funny, even though he was supposed to be the funny one. Throw in Kirk Cameron’s sister, her horny friend, and Stamos’ hot wife, and you have all the makings of television at its finest. I saw Mary Kate and Ashley at a UCLA game a couple years ago. They’re hot. Am I allowed to say that? How old are they? I honestly don’t know. They could be 15. They could be 25. You told me either one and I’d believe you. Regardless, they’re worth a fortune, and I’m guessing most guys out there were hoping any movie they put together would be a liiiiiittle bit different than a Disney made-for-tv movie. -Speaking of porn, I gotta tell you, if you ever want to watch two consecutive entertaining hours of television, you have to see the “E! True Hollywood Story” on Jenna Jameson. I mean, I was riveted to that the other night. Some of the stuff coming out of these people’s mouths was priceless. For those that don’t know, Jenna Jameson is the biggest porn star ever. But this two hours showed from age 5 until now. It’s was ridiculous. At one point, someone they interviewed said, “Jenna didn’t want to just be a star, she wanted to be the best porn star ever. And she would do whatever it took to get her there.” I mean, I can find at least three things wrong with that sentence alone. Best porn star ever? How exactly does one become the best porn star ever? Don’t they all basically do the same thing? Over and over and over and over again. I guess if you can moan better than the next girl, or can fake an orgasm better than the next girl, then you’re a great porn star. So congratulations to Jenna for being able to enjoy sex with five men better than all the others. Once again, daddy must be proud. I could go on, but I need to head to bed sometime before 5:00am. I could literally write a 5 page column on that show alone it was that good/bad. -Time to bring Meredith into the “hot seat”. Well, her bitterness immediately cools down that chair. Meredith really still hasn’t smiled since Grams died. And watching the recap of her time on the show really gave us a chance to re-live that fateful day when Mom made the call to tell her that her grandmother passed away. Went something like, “Meredith, it’s your mother. Grandma passed away. She’ll be all right. You stay there. Say a prayer for her. Maybe you can stop by her grave someday on your way to the store.” Still never understood that exchange. -Meredith is mad at herself and says she only has herself to blame for her not winning. “It was definitely hard for me to open up to Bob and I have no one to blame but myself.” What? A female admitting mistake? Come again? Am I recording this? See, she could’ve played it off and pinned it on Bob but noooooooo. She had to take the high road and blame herself, thus not throwing mud on any of the other girls, and not starting any catfights. Boo Meredith. This is your last chance with these chicks. You’ll never see them again. Go down fighting. We need some serious clawing to happen because frankly, I’m gonna go make myself a sandwich if this doesn’t spice up a bit. -Misty, one of the blonde bimbos we’d completely forgotten about, had this to say to Meredith, “If I had to put money on any one girl, I would’ve put it on you. I thought it was a given you’d win.” Sure that makes Meredith feel much better about herself, oh’ Misty one. Now, which one was Misty? Was she the one who originally put her Halloween mask on when Bob s**tcanned her? Or was that the other blonde bimbo? Does it really matter? And was it really necessary to invite all 23 losers back to the show? I mean really, they could’ve done this show with six. And no host. And no audience. Just let the top six chicks go at it. In bikini’s. In a pool of Jello. -Next up is Katie Holmes. Now this is where the show picked up a tad. How could it not? Mega Bitch is front-and-center. Just like she likes it. Immediately we take a look back at her journey and it was eventful. From the first group date where she mauled by in the backroom to where she felt ignored by everyone after that date because she hogged Bob, it’s was quite a ride. Meredith tells her that the reason the girls seemed to not like her was because they saw 2 different Lee-Ann’s. The one that was passive and reserved, and then the one that mounted Bob the first chance she got alone with him. To which Katie gives off the line of the night, “I don’t think I was that aggressive”. Sure. And the Pope’s not Catholic. How is stealing Bob away from everyone else for a half hour on your first date not aggressive? You deserve a medal of honor for your aggressiveness. Here we go. The women still can’t stand her. -Except Brooke. For God knows what reason, Brooke comes running to Katie’s defense. “Well, if you were just voted least compatible with Bob, I don’t think you’d be all buddy buddy with all the other women.” Hey, who let you speak? And since when did you become Lee-Ann’s lover all the sudden. Where did that come from? I thought they all hated her. Why is someone running in to save Lee-Ann from this pack of wolves about to pounce on her? Ok. So this show wasn’t all that bad for Lee-Ann. She made one friend. Brooke. Now they’re B.F.F (Best Friends Forever). Hope they K.I.T. Maybe Katie will let Brooke sign her yearbook before the night’s over. This is sickening. -Host asks Katie if she has any regrets from the show. “Yeah, I wish I wouldn’t have worn the cream dress on elimination night. I should’ve gone with the red dress.” Everyone in the audience and all the bachelorettes found this funny. Was it? Did I miss something? I didn’t know Katie could be funny. Why are they laughing? I found nothing funny about that. These girls were firing away at Katie while she was up there, but it was so quick and they kept cutting in and out of people’s answers, I couldn’t keep up. Either that, or I didn’t care enough to write it down. One or the other. This show has done nothing for me thus far. -Commercial. Oh boy. In two weeks, we begin “Trista and Ryan’s Wedding.” Now, this is a must-see. And I’m guessing I’ll be writing about this. Why? Because there’s so many things wrong with this show, how can I not? First off, just look at the title, “Trista and Ryan’s Wedding.” The fact that Trista gets first billing in the title tells you all you need to know about that marriage. So in the year it’s been since that show aired, it’s become apparent that Ryan still hasn’t grown a pair. I just hope for his sake the makeup people do a good enough job on his wedding day to cover up the collar mark around his neck. Secondly, is this show being done in real time? I know it’s only four episodes long, so are the first three already taped, then the wedding is live? Let’s hope so. Who’d want to see someone’s wedding on tape? Especially these two’s. All weddings are basically the same anyway except for the location. A lot of drinking, a lot of dancing, and a lot of drunk groomsmen trying to hit on the bridesmaids. There is absolutely no reason for this show ever to air. Which is why it’ll be hilarious. Not hilarious as in “Newlyweds” hilarious, but just stupid enough to be watchable. -The next segment dealt with outtakes that we really didn’t get to see. Oh goodie. They hit on the age difference within the house. Apparently Lindsay from South Carolina is a huge Britney Spears fan. Aren’t we all? And some of the older women didn’t care for her prancing around about it. Very dumb. Let the girl like Britney. What’s not to like? Diane Sawyer has an exclusive tomorrow night with Ms. Spears. I might need to catch that one. She asks her about Justin. I wonder if Britney gives up all the sex stories. You know, how for years she kept telling everyone she was a virgin, then admitted to “Rolling Stone” that Justin was her first. Yeah, I bet he was. Then Colin Farrell. Then one of your dancers. Then Fred Durst. Shall I continue? I hope Diane gets to the good questions. “So at what point did you figure, ‘Ok, enough with the kiddie music, I’m gonna start becoming a slut in my videos’”? “Where did you lose your virginity and was there a camera around?” “Are those real?” “Have you ever sung a song live at a concert?” Don’t let us down, Diane. -The other thing we didn’t get to see much were Misty and Brooke being cheerleaders. There were a lot of back handsprings, a lot of fake smiles, and a lot of “Go Team!” routines that we missed out on. A lot of their cheering shows didn’t make it off the editing floor until last night. Wow. These two are a hoot. And there’s Bitter Meredith again not wanting any part of them. Man, does she just wake up like this every morning, or did the two cheer nerds put her in this mood? I’m disappointed ABC didn’t show us more of these two cheer bimbos at work. That could’ve been fun. Hey, I’ve got nothing against cheerleaders. You all do a swell job. I just thought that once you left high school, it should kind of just be a thing of your past. Might not want to talk about it so much. So stop the tumbling, the pyramids, and the “We’ve got spirit, yes we do, we’ve got spirit, how bout’ you!” nonsense. Some cheers were just classic. How about this one? “De-fense!!! De-fense!!!” Very creative. Or this genius one, “Off-ense!!! Off-ense!!!” I mean, where do they come up with this stuff? But my all time favorite is, “I said a Boom Chick-a-Boom!!! I said a Boom Chick-a-Boom. I said a Boom, Chick-a-rocka-Chick-a-rocka, Chick-a-Boom!!! Uh Huh!!! Oh Yeah!!!” Who thinks of this stuff? I’m having flashbacks right now. I must stop. -Next they take a couple questions from the audience. These sucked. Someone asks Lindsay D. how it felt to get eliminated in the middle of a date. Gee, how do you think she felt? Then someone asked, "Mary, if you were Bob, who would you have picked?” To which Mary answered, “I don’t know.” Thank you, Mary. You’re making this hour just fly by with all your insight. Can they take some phone-in questions next season for those of us that can’t make it into that all day taping? God would I love to get on the phone and fire away at these people. Guess not. Well, either that, or let me have a ticket to the damn thing and ask what I want to ask, not what some card in front of me says. -Commercial. I switched channels and saw a commercial for a one hour special coming to the Bravo Channel called “Straight Eye for the Queer Guy”, with the concept being they’re going to have 5 heterosexuals with interests in tools, cars, sports, etc. and have them “make up” a gay man. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a second. I can understand “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” where they pick some loser with no sense of anything when it comes to the opposite sex and have 5 gay men make him up so a woman might actually talk to him. But how is the reverse going to work? How does 5 heterosexual men telling a gay man about cars, tools, and sports help him in his quest to pick up another gay man? The other gay man isn’t interested in that either. I’m confused. No, not sexually. Just about this new show. I just don’t see how that works. Then again, maybe I’m not supposed to understand. I never really thought “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” was that great a concept and now there isn’t a single person who doesn’t like that show. So what do I know? It’s amazing how far TV has come. Back in the day, you couldn’t even hint about homosexuality on TV, and now its everywhere. Male-to-male kisses, female-to-female kisses, 5 gay men demanding pay raises on their show. What’s next? -So Bob comes out and gets to lie down on the cold pillow. He says he’s taken the most crap for all the kissing he’s done. Ya’ think? Never could’ve imagined that. And it was funny when they showed clips of Bob kissing everyone. There are so many times where he shoves his tongue down these women’s throats, yet he doesn’t need to. The guy is a bonafide horndog. They’ll just be talking, she’ll say one nice thing to him, then BAM!!! Immediate tongue action. He’s like Pavlov’s dog. Salivating the minute he hears one nice thing. Kissing’s great, it’s just Bob takes it to a whole new level. -He says it’s still difficult seeing the ladies and realizing how close he got to some of them only to have to let them go. Mary says it still hurts a bit. “I only wanted what’s best for you. Best of luck to you and I’ll always love you.” Easy Mary. Remember, he didn’t choose you. He’s still seeing his chick. You have no chance anymore. Back away before your fed some papers and taken away in the back of a car. Bob says he loves Mary too. Awwwwww…..how sweet. Love is in the air. Bob loves Mary and Mary loves Bob. Is Mary going to be our next Bachelorette? And how come they’re still taking calls for someone to be the next Bachelor, yet not the next Bachelorette? Are they ever going to have another “Bachelorette” or will Trista not allow that? I think Trista now runs ABC. And whatever happened to that “Rich Guy/Poor Guy” show? -Host asks Bob if he would do it again. “Yes and no.” Oh, c’mon. You know damn well you’d do it again. For a chance to make out 25 more women? Are you kidding me? Bob the horndog wouldn’t pass that up in a million years. Look at what this show has done for his career. That guy would jump at the chance to get back on T.V. He realizes after next Wednesday, his 15 minutes are going to be up. What’s he gonna do? Maybe he’ll sell out and televise his wedding as well. -Here we go again. Questions from the audience. Some lug gets up there and says, “Hey Bob, can you set me up with anyone here?” That’s it. No question. No response from Bob. Just that. Thank you very much. Was that really necessary? And considering that guy was best suited to be chasing Melana on “Average Joe”, it wasn’t even funny. And how about Melana getting rid of not only the four fattest guys this past Monday, but also the two nerdiest. Hey, it’s true. If these guys weren’t self-admitted nerds, I think I could write about it. But they know they’re geeks, they know they don’t have much luck with women, and they know Melana would never look twice at them in a bar. Yet, she did basically keep around the better looking ones of the bunch. Kinda funny how it works that way. And yes, Melana’s hot. So far this column, I’ve reiterated Lee-Ann is hot, I’ve said Mary Kate and Ashley are hot, and I’ve said Melana is hot. I think it’s just that time of night where I’m real hor…..forget it. -Next question from the audience asks, “If you wanted to get intimate with someone, did the show allow you to and did you?” Easy there, Ms. Ask-personal-sexual-history-questions-on-national-television-to-a-guy-you-don’t-even-know. Geez. Aren’t we intrusive? Of course, Bob took the high road and didn’t kiss-and-tell. Basically says that whatever happened between he and certain individuals besides kissing and holding hands will stay private. Translation: You’re damn right I had sex with a few girls and I made sure the cameras were off so no one will think I’m a pig. -So the show thankfully ends with them showing both Kelly Ho and Estella’s journey with Bob. After watching that, I’m leaning a little toward Kelly Ho for this reason. In the video clips recapping each of their stays, Bob is always got his tongue in Kelly’s mouth. He and Estella did have a few scenes of kissing, but not nearly as many as the Ho's. But I still wouldn’t be surprised with whoever he picks. And the consensus from people that I’ve spoken with is that whoever he picks, he’s not going to propose to. If I just spent the last 9 weeks of my life watching and recapping this show, only to have this horndog not propose, somebody over at ABC owes me big time. I’m talkin’ either I need to be reimbursed with some cash, or I need to be given a free pass to all the reunion shows. Isn’t the whole point of the show to propose? And since they’ve already showed him looking at rings, doesn’t that kind of ruin it? I swear to God, if he ends up buying some promise ring, I will not write a column on the finale. Yeah right. back to THE BACHELOR 4 index page
©2003 realitysteve.com. All opinions expressed on realitysteve.com are those of its writers only.