THE BACHELOR 4 11.5.03 I know a couple weeks ago I mentioned I would be writing about NBC’s new reality show “Average Joe” which started this past Monday. Well, after a long weekend, and knowing the “Bachelor” is coming to an end, I still haven’t decided what to do. I had someone tape “Average Joe” for me, but have yet to watch it. However, from what I’ve heard, this is a good one. So I’m sure at some point this weekend I’ll watch it and write about it. Just wanted to get that out of the way. And speaking of NBC, congratulations on cancelling the series “Coupling”, which might have been the most overpromoted show in that networks history. Fox’s “Skin” also got the ax after three episodes. Talk about complete bombs. You couldn’t get enough of how “Coupling” was the “sexiest, most creative show centered around relationships” in the history of mankind. As for “Skin”, I guess a show based off the district attorney’s slutty daughter sleeping with a porn directors son wasn’t too riveting to people. You know how I know this? Because EVERY SINGLE PROMO mentioned it. Why can’t “Whoopi” be next on the chopping block? Who’s watching that garbage? You know why “Whoopi” can’t succeed? Because every sitcom that’s ever succeeded, almost to the book, has one episode per season that tackles something serious. You know, when your hear that guy’s voice come on and say, “Next week, on a very special ‘90210’, Brandon develops a zit.” How can they do that for “Whoopi”? “Next week, on a very special episode of ‘Whoopi’, Whoopi continues to eat her way out of a size 24.” Can’t happen. Cancel that thing now. -Tonight Bobby boy will have three exotic dates with three horny women. Kelly Jo is headed to Alaska. Mary is headed to Crap Hole, Wyoming. And Estella gets to live it up in Central America somewhere outside of Belize. Forgive me for not having my map on me, but where the hell is Crap Hole, Wyoming and why did they arrange a date there? What, was Riverside, California not available? Did somebody not check out what was going on in Truth or Consequences, New Mexico? Yes, that’s a city. I bet you some people live there just so they can tell people they live in a city with a cool name. Wrong. That’s flat out stupid. Quit naming your city after an 8th grade, cop-a-feel game. Consequences. Dare. Same difference. What a great game. Everyone lied about whatever question was asked if they wanted “Truth”. And the “Dares” were good only if the girls were slutty enough. “I’ll take truth.” “Ok. How many times have you had sex in the past six months?” “Thirty”. Yeah right. -So Kelly Ho arrives in Alaska in a helicopter as Bob is standing on a glacier. All the makings of a clossal tragedy. But it doesn’t happen. She gets out, they kiss, and then they take an iditarod course to their next destination. I can’t imagine PETA was too thrilled watching this. The whole idea of the idiatrod is pretty cruel and inhumane don’t you think? Let’s see, tie 12 dogs up together up in freezing temperatures, strap on a seat where someone can sit there and have these canines drag them around half of Alaska in 3 feet of snow for days on end. And what to the pooches get for it? Whipped for not going fast enough. Makes sense to me. And for this show, these dogs had to lug around 2 people who probably weighed close to a combined 350 pounds. Let the picketing outside of the ABC buildings begin. -After the dogs drop them off and pass out, Bobby and Kelly Ho decide to roll around in the snow and make out. Now there’s something I’m guessing a lot of us haven’t done. Or maybe it’s just me. Sex in the actual snow. Gotta be cold. Gotta be tough to keep it goin’ down there, you know? I mean, I know if room temperature hits 50, I’m begging for any kind of blood rush. In the snow? Congrats Bob. You’re a bigger man than I. Whoa. I take that back. I don’t really know that. -The next scene is truly a classic. I mean, this is ABC at its finest. Bob and Kelly Ho are in freezing Alaska. They just had helpless dogs carry them through ice and snow. You can see their breath every time they talk, but somehow, the good ol’ boys at the American Broadcasting Company sure as hell find a way to sneak a freakin’ hot tub into the middle of the woods for these two to hop into. HUH?!!!! These people have no shame. Which is why I continue to religiously watch and will never not watch this show. It has no boundaries, and it has no limits. If only they could come up with some sort of post-massage, in-the-shower scene where the bachelor and his woman grope each other like Sylvester Stallone and Sharon Stone did in “The Specialist”. Gimmie about another 5 paragraphs. -Time for Bobbo and Kelly Ho to get serious. He asks her what her plans are regarding marriage, her future, and kids. “Do you want to start quick?” “No. I don’t have a set time. Could be soon, could be later. It all depends on the person you’re with and when you’re ready.” If this wasn’t foreshadowing for who was going to get the boot tonight, I don’t know what was. Basically, Kelly Ho gave the right answer, and you know who didn’t. But we’ll get to the Little Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe when it’s her turn. It’s all about K-Jo right now….. -….Boy, is she ever. In this hot tub in the middle of nowhere, K-Jo tells him flat out that she’s in love with him. Big move. And she didn’t even ask for a response. She just wanted to lay it on the line for him and have it soak in. Oh, it soaked in all right. Chick just tells you she loves you, and then asks you not to say anything? No matter how cold it was in there, I’m guessing Bob could get excited over something like that. So what does he do? Swallows her face. And this was a good 15 second camera shot of just straight, tongue-swapping, mouth watering kissing. No different camera angles, no hesitations, it was just turn-the-mics-up-full-blast-and-let-these-two-go-at-it-like-two-little-schoolchildren. They didn’t disappoint. -They head to dinner and Bob presents K-Ho with her “surprise”. And since she has probably already watched Alex, Aaron, and Andrew before her, this was no surprise whatsoever. The note reads, “Alex and Trista…(scratched out)…Aaron and Helene….(scratched out)….Andrew and Jen….(scratched out)….Bob and Kelly Jo, Hope you are enjoying your stay in (insert city here). Should you decide to forgo your individual rooms (which we know you will)….take these keys to our suite where you can have crazy, wild sex for a night before you go off and repeat this act two days from now, in a different city, with a different girl, without feeling guilty whatsoever. Condoms are in the drawer. Good luck.” -Kelly Jo with the line of the night. “I hope he thinks about me on every other date he has.” Kelly, for six weeks we’ve gotten to know you quite well. Cute girl, come from a great family, caring, sincere, etc. You really seem to have it all together and any guy would be lucky to bring you home to their parents. But where in the hell did you come up with that? Thinking about you when he’s rubbing down a half-naked Mary in the shower? Having thoughts of proposing to you while Estella and he are lip locked in a jacuzzi overlooking all of Central America? Yeah, ok. You keep hoping that. Maybe some century it’ll come true. -Time to enter the master bedroom that’s lined with candles, very dark, there’s a vibrating bed, and some chains, whips, ropes, blindfolds, and beads are over on the nightstand. Woops. Pardon me. Got a little carried away there. Just seems to be something Kelly Ho might be into. And Bob for that matter as well. I’m dying to know how many times they did it. -Commercial. “Haunted Mansion” starring Eddie Murphy starts soon. Have any of Eddie Murphy’s last, oh I don’t know, 15 films been for people over the age of 5? What happened to this guy? “Haunted Mansion?” I guess it’s supposed to be a movie based off the Haunted Mansion at “Disneyland”. Boy, do I have a Disneyland Haunted Mansion story for you. But being the gentlemen that I am, I will not kiss and tell. It is not becoming of me. Anyway, Eddie Murphy in “Haunted Mansion” will suck. Just because “Pirates of the Caribbean” drew big bucks, doesn’t mean that movie will. What’s next? “Thunder Mountain: The Story of the Runaway Roller Coaster.” Is that thing up and running yet? Will it ever be again? If it does get up and running, would you want to be the first one to test it out? Will they start selling life insurance while you’re in the 2 hour line? -Time for Mother Mary’s date with Bob as they head something called Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Couldn’t have a more appropriate word in the title than “Hole”. Look, you can dress up a pig all you want, but in the end, it’s still a pig. No one visits Crap Hole, Wyoming for a romantic weekend getaway. No one. So these immediately decide to go river rafting. I think. Mary said something immediately that kinda caught me off guard. “I think maybe I should take off my clothes.” (Gulp). Bob and I think that as well Mary and I think ABC should move this show to HBO Saturday nights at 11:30. Or just put it on the extra footage when the DVD comes out. -So instead of taking off all her clothes, Mary just goes in a white, see through bikini. Bob’s reaction? “Mary wore a white bikini that was….very, very pretty on her.” Translation: I’m glad we immediately sat down right when I saw Mary in her bikini. After the rafting, these two lovebirds sat down for a couple massages. Or so I thought. The massage therapists seemed to be spreading BBQ sauce all over them with a paint brush. Ever since a commercial for “Tony Roma’s”? That’s what it looked like. Especially when Bob got up to rub Mary’s feet. He was glistening like the $24.99 special of all-you-can-eat ribs with your choice of 2 sides and soup or salad. -Mary during the foot massage: “Bob, what are you trying to do to me. You naughty boy. Bad things.” I mean, since we all know she’s gone tonight, Bob is playing this perfectly. Get her all giddy, get the juices flowin’ and you’re golden for later tonight back in the room. A no-brainer. Bob may be a giant horndog, but Bob is slick. He knows what’s up. You don’t think so? Straight from the foot massage, into the shower…. -…..Yowza. We’re at straight soft porn right now. There should be some letter appearing in the top left hand corner of my screen, shouldn’t there be? What the hell do those letters mean anyway? Was there ever a clear definition of those letters? Can certain letters only be shown during certain times? And considering they’re currently showing a half-naked woman dripping wet in a shower running her hands all over some honey-dripping bohunk who’s pitching a tent, I’m guessing anything’s fair game now. If I’m Estella or Kelly Jo, whoever he chose and is still dating, seeing that for the first time has got to be a little uneasy. I mean, I’m sure Bob’s reasoning is, “Hey, at the time, I was in the moment, I thought I was gonna pick her, I had to follow my feelings and not hold back.” But we all know that’s a lie. He just wanted some before she left the show. Nothing more, nothing less. -Uh oh. Into the hot tub for more serious talk. Bob: “Your timeline might be different than mine. I know you said you want kids soon, but do you have an idea when?” Mary: “I think you should enjoy your spouse for at least a year. Maybe longer. But I know I’m not gonna wait 5 years. Or maybe even four.” It was obvious at this point Mary had sealed her fate. Bob knows she wanted kids. If it didn’t bother him, he would never have brought it up. He got it out in the open, she answered his question, they didn’t avoid the situation, and they pretended they were satisfied with the answers so they sucked each others faces off. Seems logical to me. -Ah, but wait a minute. Mary pulls away cuz’ she has a question of her own. “I know you have overnight dates…..I’m really feeling close to you….Being ‘intimate’ with someone is something that I value…..” Spit it out already, woman. Did you bang Kelly Ho or not? We all know that’s what you want to ask so quit beating around the bush. Bob’s classic answer: “Well, I feel when two people are together what they do is no one else’s business. Just as you and I are together, that’s none of the other two’s business.” Translation: I ain’t tellin’ you s*** about what’s goin’ on with the other ladies cuz’ I don’t want to get cut off from you. -Mary’s response to Bob’s answer: “He didn’t really answer my question. But I could see it in his eyes. It made me happy.” What? So she admits he didn’t answer the question, he probably gave the exact answer she wasn’t looking for, then forgave him and moved on? Makes sense. Hey, knowing that Bob and Kelly Ho have already done the horizontal mambo, she knows she can’t possibly turn down the overnight sleeping arrangements. She’s gotta accept his answer and give him a great night. She tries to play it cool and leaves the decision on the overnight stay up to him. Which he then puts back on her saying, “Whatever you feel is right is what we’ll do.” Like putty in his hands they head up to the room. -But just for reassurance that he’s getting laid tonight, Bob fires this one at her, “You’re cool with everything we talked about tonight, right?” “Mmmm Hmmm.” Great answer. Very convincing. Bob should’ve been a little worried there with that response. Then again, maybe not. Her biological clock is ticking, and if she plays her cards right tonight, she may have to force Bob into marrying her. God, could you imagine if something like that ever happened where say, Bob chooses Estella, then we come to find out Mary is pregnant with his baby. That would be the greatest story in television history. Bigger than who shot J.R.? Bigger than a naked Richard Hatch winning the first “Survivor”. Bigger than the horrible “Seinfeld” series finale (Yes, it was. That thing is split right down the middle. Either you loved it, or hated it. I thought it was terrible). Not even bigger than little Sam getting kidnapped on “a very special episode of ‘Different Strokes’”. Why couldn’t he just stay kidnapped? No one liked him anyway. And were we supposed to believe a M.I.L.F. like Dixie Carter would ever fall for a guy like Phillip Drummond? Please. -Time for Estella’s date to some place outside of Belize in Central America. Whatever. Doesn’t really matter where it is. All I know is that it seems like Estella has taken a few cc’s of Botox in her lifetime. Her face almost doesn’t move even when she smiles. How does she do that? She’s still one of the top three best looking women on the show, I’m just curious to know what her face looked like before it became as hard as a mannequin’s. And dammit, I told you last week Estella, we like the hair down. Yanked back with the part down the middle doesn’t do it for me. Stop it. Thank you. -To start their date, they jump in to swim with the sharks. Very romantic. Nothing like the possibility of getting your head bitten off when you’re with your woman. Bad sentence. I think even the sharks got sick of these two kissing. I actually have a serious question to pose right now. Do you think Bob is such the horndog because, let’s face it, he’s kind of the “lovable loser” type thrown into a situation where all these girls want him? Maybe that’s why he’s so touchy-feely and always has to be sticking his tongue somewhere. This is probably all pretty new to him. He’s like a kid in a candy store. I mean, you could tell Andy Firestone was a player and had been with his share of women. I don’t think that about Bob. Am I way off on this assumption? And I thinking way too much? Is my head starting to hurt? -Bob opens up to the audience and reveals to us some shocking news during his date with Estella: “I’ve chosen not to think about any of the other girls during this date.” Thank you very much, Bob. I was afraid there for a second when you were playing doctor with Estella that visions of you Mary’s five kids running around in your head maybe clouded your vision a little bit and took some focus off the girl you were with. Appreciate you pointing that out to us. -Honestly, nothing really happened on this date out of the ordinary. Seemed like they dedicated much more time to Mary’s date than the other two’s. Probably to show why he was dumping her. But of course I can’t forget Bob and Estella’s jacuzzi make out session that got quite steamy. Estella’s got one of the bikini tops on that ties right behind her neck. A definite bonus for her. Ones that snap in the back are lame and out of style. Right? Get creative. Do the behind-the-neck thing. So much easier to remove. For yourself, of course. Although it could normally take one pull of a string for it to come off, somehow, someway, I’d find a way to screw it up. -Commercial. Julia Roberts, Kirsten Dunst, and Julia Stiles are in a movie coming out. I forgot the title. Lips Roberts is some teacher at a school where Dunst and Stiles are her students. Two things: Did you realize that during “Spiderman”, Kirsten Dunst essentially went through four guys in about an hour and a half. She started out with one boyfriend, then dumped him to be with the Green Goblin’s son, then Spiderman rolls into town and she wants him, only until the end when she reveals her love for Peter Parker. Whore. Secondly, let’s give a big round of applause to Julia Stiles. I think this is like four or five movies in a row she’s made where she’s avoided banging some black guy. Props to her. -Time for the Video Messages…. Kelly Ho: “I’m the luckiest girl on earth….I loved waking up in your arms….” Whoa, honey. No need to share with us. We already know. Surprised she didn’t say, “Sex was amazing.” Mary: “I’m definitely in love with you.” At least Kelly Ho had the balls to tell him that to his face. This chick waited until the video. Cheap. Estella: “I’m falling head over heels for you.” A great 80’s song by the Go-Go’s. Belinda Carlisle. Meow. Is Belinda still….did I just make a cat sound? I hate cats. Let’s try that again. Belinda Carlisle. Woof, woof. Nope. That doesn’t work either. How about this? Belinda Carlisle. Yummy. -Bob heads over to the “Pick me!” photos and holds one in his hand that the cameras conveniently don’t show us. I’m guessing that was Mary he was holding. Or maybe it was the picture of Lee-Ann that he seemed to love to hold onto. I’m guessing next week’s reunion show will be quite interesting with that chick coming to town. Considering all the crap she talked about the other chicks should make for some great television. At least in my eyes it will. If they don’t let her get loose, just expect another boring recap show with planted questions from the audience, canned laughter, and horrible editing. -Host walks in to tell us he’s never seen a more conflicted Bachelor. And last week you said you had never seen Bob so confused. Or something like that. So which one is it? This week or last week? Which was more difficult? Can you prove it? Did you take his blood pressure? How do you know this, oh great one and reader of all men’s minds? -Bob to the ladies before handing out the rose: “I just came off the best week I ever had.” An official confirmation that sex happened on every date, every night, on multiple occasions, involving multiple orgasms. Thanks for sharing, Bobbo. -First Rose: Kelly Ho. -STOP THE PRESSES!!!!! HOLD UP EVERYTHING!!!!! PLEASE EVERYONE CALM DOWN!!! They are down to one rose left, and the host has not stepped in to inform us of this. Is the show allowed to continue? Did they edit this out? Did he just forget? Is he going to get fired over this? Did he fall asleep? I can’t believe this is happening. -Final Rose: Estella. -Mary doesn’t seem too happy. In fact, she’s looking like someone shot her dog. In the face. With a shotgun. At point blank range. She looks sickly. Bob basically gave her the, “It’s not you, it’s me” line. He told her it’s “me not knowing my timeline.” Gee, didn’t I say that last week. We could all see it coming. The minute he dumped her the reason was going to be because of the children factor and they’re at different points in their lives. Yada, yada, yada, yada. And then some yada. We’ve heard it all. -Mary took it like a trooper saying, “You have two beautiful girls in there. And if they love you half as much as I do…..” She’s going down hard. Just lay it all out there, honey. Tell him how you really feel. And ruin his jacket with all the crying you’ve done into it. Not like he cares. He didn’t pay a cent for any of these clothes. Wasn’t in the contract that he demanded….errrr….signed. -As for who will he choose, Estella or Kelly Ho? I have no idea. I think all the shows up to this point, you had a pretty good idea who was going to win. I have absolutely no idea who’ll win this thing. I wouldn’t be surprised on whoever he chose. But if you held a gun to my head, I guess I would say Kelly Ho for the sole reason she lives in Michigan, which is where he lives. That’s my only reason, and it sucks. Which probably means he’ll pick Estella. Until next week, with the return of Katie Holmes, the token black chick, and the 21 other women I’ve forgotten completely about….. back to THE BACHELOR 4 index page
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