THE BACHELOR 4 9.24.03 Here we are, yet another season of “The Bachelor” is upon us. And I’m scared to death. Why, you ask? I’ll tell you why? Because apparently if I ever write one word bad about Bob, I’m on a one-way ticket to hell. I have yet to meet a single female that watches this show, that isn’t in love with our beloved Bob. Holy s***. I’m literally fearing for my life when writing this tonight. What’s gonna happen if this column gets in the hands of some crazy Bob lover who gets offended when I say his perm annoys me? What’s gonna happen when they hear how much I’m already put off by his machine gun laugh? You know, the laught that sounds like he’s firing off a round of bullets in record time. I swear, I feel like when I wake up in the morning, there’ll be a horses head right next to me. Somebody help! So how about this? I’ll just apologize now for anything negative I say about the guy, and we’ll take it from there. Deal? Good. Let’s begin… -Can we stop it already with the “Bob’s lost 30 pounds since the Trista dumping” please? You can’t pick up a magazine or read an article on him without weight becoming an issue. I mean geez, people have lost weight before last time I checked. Should we start calling Bob “Jared” from Subway because he decided he was out of shape? Good Lord. I can’t believe the noise people are making over Fat Bob becoming Skinny Bob. I think I liked him better when he was fat, because then it wasn’t such an issue. This is going to be a long season. -We start by our host Chris Harrison giving us background on Thin Bob. He tells us he’s not like the previous Bachelors. Isn’t as smooth as Alex was, doesn’t have the looks like Aaron did, nor the money like Andrew. Whoa, whoa, whoa….back up, putz. Alex was smooth? I thought Alex liked guys? His smoothness with the ladies was equivalent to 5 day old stubble on my face. Aaron was good looking? Sure, if you lived in the Caveman Era. That giant Cro-Magnon head of his did him no good. He was an oaf. Yes, Andrew was rich. That was about the only thing they got right there. Rich and horny. Let’s not forget the numerous spit swapping sessions in the jacuzzi’s. However, judging by the previews, Lean Bob might be breaking the all-time record this season. Geez String Bean, do you have to make out with all remaining 15 girls? Wow. I will say this about Slim Bob: He likes em’ young, and he likes to maul them. He’s 32, and of the 25 contestants, 21 of them were 30 or younger. And of those 21, 17 were 26 or younger. Damn. He’s practically R. Kelly. -With the help of abc.com, I actually did a little research before this show started to pull all 25 women’s bios beforehand so I could get a feel for the idiocy I was going to encounter last night. Man, if you get some free time, go over to that site, and check out what some of these simpletons wrote in their profile. Definitely some humorous reading material that I’ll be sharing with you throughout the column. -Slender Bob: “I’m not your typical Bachelor candidate”. Translation: I’m about a 7. Look, let’s be honest, I don’t think most women turn their head twice if Bob walks into a bar. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I just felt the need to point that out. I think this “Bachelor” season will be centered around the “underdog” label. Bony Bob is just like your average guy. See guys, you don’t have to be a supermodel to pull chicks with fake racks and horrible bleach blonde hair. They’re going to beat this “underdog” label like a red headed stepchild. “Hey loser at home. Bob’s just like you. Except he had 15,000 women begging to meet him, while you’re at home by yourself, buried in your parents garage, with no future, no job, and barely any elastic in your underwear. So get up, make something of yourself, and maybe one day, you could be like Trim Bob. -Recapping Slight Bob’s life, he was captain of his football team in high school, as well as president of his class. Oh boy. Chick magnet, baby. If you were on the football team and in A.S.B., you could basically pick and choose what skirt you wanted back in high school. A jock with brains and social skills. Guarantee he banged the head cheerleader, the homecoming queen (if they weren’t the same girl), and the one chick that was so hot, no one ever approached her because she hung out with a weird crowd. No doubt Skeletal Bob got his hands on all those ladies. Along with the rest of the football team. Just out of curiosity, is there any high school in America where the star football player isn’t screwing the hottest cheerleader? Is that possible? I’d be hard pressed to find one school where that’s not currently the case. And if there is such a school, they get a catered pizza party delivered by Undernourished Bob. -More about Emaciated Bob’s past. As most of us know, he married his high school sweetheart, started a mortgage business with his best friend, then got divorced pretty quickly. Why didn’t they show us his ex-wife? Can we at least see what Wiry Bob liked in the past? Underfed Bob still has a great relationship with her apparently, so why not let us see her? Is she butt ugly? Is he embarrassed? Which Bob did she like the best, the fat one or trimmed down anorexic one? I need to know this stuff. It’s too juicy not to. I hope she comes into the show at some point to start catfights with the skanks. That would be unbelievable. At least in my eyes it would. -These montages of Malnourished Bob jogging down the street and waving to his neighbors was classic. I mean, that’s straight from a cheesy commercial. Who does that? Honestly, for those of you who run around the neighborhood instead of on a treadmill, do you really have a big grin on your face and wave at your neighbors? Especially if you’re a female. I’ve never met a good looking girl running who didn’t look straight ahead, or down at her feet. You know why? Because she knows all the guys are checking her out and there’s no way she can acknowledge every single one of them. So she completely shuts down her peripheral vision, and pretends like she’s really concentrating on her form. You ain’t fooling us, ladies. We know that you know you’re hot, so no need to rub it in at us. At least give us a smile or something. And quit wearing sports bras with no t-shirt over it. God. You think it’s easy working out while sporting wood? -Starving Bob is very fired up about the show. “I’m definitely looking for a woman who’s looking to have fun, because that’s what I’m all about. This is gonna be off the hizzie.” Come again? Off the what? Hizzie? Didn’t you forget “fa shizzie ma nizzie” as well? Sorry. Big pet peeve of mine. I don’t like it when white America throws those lines in their everyday vocabulary to show that they’re somehow down with the African American culture. Let’s put an end to this trend before I blow my face off. Got it, dizzie? -They now begin to show the 25 girls that were selected to possibly become the next Mrs. Starved Bob Guiney. They actually showed the producers and directors arriving at their houses with balloons and flowers like they just won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. Has anyone under 95 years old ever won that by the way? Didn’t think so. Ed McMahon has told me at least 30 times that I’m one of ten people who have a chance at four billion dollars or whatever it is. Yet somehow, I never seem to win. Why is that? Because I don’t subscribe to “Guns N’ Ammo” or “Computer Nerd” Magazine? Or is it just my winning claim prize number is always about 10 numbers off. Could never figure that one out? You know, we don’t see too many of those commercials anymore. Is that still going on? Can I sign up? Have they lowered the number of magazine subscriptions you have to take down from fifty yet? And I know these people are old, but could the Farmer family please get a little more excited when being presented with a 12 billion dollar check? I’m guessing the life they’re leading has just changed dramatically. Quit pretending like this isn’t going to help your overdrawn checking account people. -So some of the ladies made an impression right away when I saw them. And not necessarily by on TV, but what some wrote in their bios…. -First girl they showed was Lindsay K. from South Carolina. She likes snow skiing and pilates. And she’s most proud of winning a snow skiing award. Good for her. And she’s in Pharmaceutical Sales. Drug dealer. -Darla is an attorney in Florida. Hobbies are working out, visiting museums, and decorating. I definitely believe her when she says “working out.” Her and “Popeye” from “For Love or Money 1” in a battle royal would be something worth watching. -Shea is a full time firefighter/part-time hair dresser from Louisiana. When asked why is she ready to get married now, she responded, “I would love to be married for a while before I start to have children.” First off, that didn’t answer the damn question. And secondly, good to see you have the correct order down. Marriage first, then kids. Definitely gives her a leg up on the competition just by that answer alone. -Lanah from Maryland is the least attractive girl on the show. And she’s stalking Famished Bob. She loved Bob on the “Bachelorette” and basically was one of the 15,000 fanatics that probably camped out on ABC’s front lawn to get a chance to meet him. When asked why she was ready to get married, her response was, “I was born in Tennessee; southern women get married early. All of my friends are married.” Once again, answer the damn question. All my friends are married too and you don’t see me hitting on every hot girl I see on television or stalking Jennifer Love Hewitt saying she will marry me some day do you? Uhhhh…next girl. -That would be the lovely Jen from San Diego the elementary school teacher. After seeing all 25 women I’ve made two lists: Three Girls I Would Like to Bone if Withered Bob Doesn’t, and, Five Girls I Think Have a Chance to Win After Watching One Show. Let’s just say Jen is on both of my lists. -Christine from California is quite an interesting character. In our first shot of her, we get to hear her telling us that she will be a “servant to him.” Whoa. Jumps straight to #1 on the list. Later on in the show, we find out Christine is a virgin and is saving herself for marriage. The air has been let out of the balloon. -Kristi is another interesting one because she’s a loan processor from Illinois. Basically same state and same business as good ol’ Shrunken Bob. The thing Krist is most proud of according to her bio, “Singing and dancing and being able to cross both eyes, one at a time.” To quote the incomparable Casey Kasam, “Keep your feet on the ground, and keep reaching for the stars.” -Lindsay D. is from L.A. and is a dancer for the L.A. Clippers. Hmmm….have I ever told you my story about me and one of the “Clipper Spirit” girls, as they’re called, from a few years back? I didn’t? Good. You don’t need to know. Honestly, one of the most humiliating things I’ve ever done in my life. Anyway, good luck Lindsay D. -Further down the line are Samentha and Leona. Why am I introducing them together? Because they’re twins. Wow. Now if Gaunt Bob were smart, and ABC wanted some big time ratings, he keeps these two until the very end. Plus, can you imagine the fun he could’ve had with two sisters? Man, oh man. You just know they were into some kinky stuff. I think. -Estella is a very attractive woman from Beverly Hills who’s in the mortgage business as well. Hang on a second, let me count something. I just noticed that 20% of these girls are somehow involved in the mortgage industry. Wonder if that’s a coincidence. And considering I’m in the mortgage industry myself, is there a way I can get them to work at my place? And oh yeah, Estella is hot. -Next is Lee-Ann. She’s a 2nd grade teacher from Georgia. We have our first nickname of the new “Bachelor” season. Lee-Ann is Katie Holmes. I mean, spitting image of her. Almost the same mannerisms too. So immediately, you should already know who I have my eye on this season. “Katie” is beautiful. Plus, I really, really, really did not feel like typing a hyphen every time we talked about Lee-Ann. And what Lee-Ann spells her name with a hyphen anyway? Isn’t it just “Leann”? Whatever. She’s my favorite. And you can pencil her in to at least the Final Four right now. -Then finally there’s Kelly Jo from Michigan. She says, “Who’s the perfect guy for me? Bob. B-O-B. he he he he he he”. Well, at least she can spell. -So they begin to show some of the chicks getting ready to meet Willowy Bob and once again we’re treated to a variety of images. Misty from Texas is just in her black bra putting on her makeup. That was cool. Could we see that again? Misty’s black bra also is a pushup bra as far as I can tell. Hey, whatever works. Or maybe it’s just a real thick wired bra that’s holding them in place. I can’t imagine wired ones are comfortable. If you leave them on for too long, don’t they leave a half circle under your breast anyway when you take it off? Sorry. That’s just what I’ve heard. -Katie Holmes is grabbing both her breasts with both her hands, squeezing them together to try and create some cleavage (Gulp). Should this be being shown before 10:00pm? Isn’t that against some FCC rule? Hey, Katie, feel free to grab away, I’m just looking out for the best interest of ABC. Don’t want any sponsors pulling out after episode one. I like Katie a lot. And not just because she grabs her own breasts. Would you stop it already? I’m not that much of a pig. -We have another nickname. Lanah the Stalker. She’s the ugly one that’s been waiting since Trista dumped him to get her chance. Frightening. Lanah says she “hopes today is the day that changes my life forever.” Awwwww….how cute. Just don’t tell Weak Bob that you have pictures all over your walls of him. Might freak him out early in the show. -Non-fat Bob arrives in the limo and he and host carry on like they’ve been friends since kindergarten. I think Bobbo realizes Chris is a putz but he has to be nice to him, and Chris realizes Bob’s Skinny Boy is the greatest thing that’s ever happened to his career so he better get in good with him. They sit down and immediately start in with the, “Why are you here” questions. Lean Bob states that since “it worked for Trista and Ryan, and currently Jen and Andrew, why not me?” Can I just say that Trista appearing everywhere on ABC has gotten really annoying. Has Poem Tard even gotten to speak since they’ve been together? Every interview they have it’s Trista in control of the conversation, Trista holding the mic, Trista planning the wedding…Trista, Trista, Trista. They did an interview at Trista’s house the other day, someone knocked over her purse, and Ryan’s balls fell out. Poor guy. Hey, he brought it upon himself. When their wedding show starts, I’m half expecting to see Poem Loser in his boxers, with his hands tied behind back, and a rubber ball shoved into his mouth, while she stands behind him in a leather outfit whipping him senseless. Or something like that. -Trim Bob admits that his ex-wife and he are still close and he will always love her forever. Whoa. Down boy. I don’t think you want to admit on your own show in the first episode that you’re still having ex sex with the former wifey. Not good. I know ex’s can still be friends, but, all the sudden this guy’s becoming Bruce Willis. -Time for the girls limo’s to arrive. This is unreal. These tramps are literally screaming over getting to meet Slender Bob. Up pulls the first limo, and all five chicks are chanting, “Bob! Bob! Bob!” What’s going on here? Am I missing something? We never heard any “Andrew! Andrew! Andrew !” chants, yet Skeletal Bob has become a rock star to these chicks. I’m speechless really. -Darla comes out of the limo with all guns a’ blazin’ “Bob! Finally get to meet you!” Whoa girl. Calm down. Your gigantic 18” pythons might suck the life out of him. Back away. -Katie Holmes is in the first limo as well. Definitely makes an immediate impression. No, not because she likes to grab both of her breasts with her hands, but because she’s good looking. -Christine the virgin is in the limo too. I think Wiry Bob is into her since she’s attractive, but she only tells the camera right away about her “little secret”. “I am a virgin. I’m definitely saving myself for marriage. And I couldn’t think of a better gift I could give Bob.” Christine, meet Alima. Alima, meet Christine. As charter members of the V-Club, feel free to never appear on a reality dating show again. Hey, don’t me wrong, there isn’t a guy in America that wouldn’t want his wife to be a virgin, but we just know it’s not possible nowadays. Except for you two I guess. You’re missing out ladies. You’re missing out. -Leona and Samentha the twins are wearing the same dress and they come out of the car together. C’mon, Bobbie boy. The possibilities here, dude. Keep them around. You know they like to get freakie deekie in the jacuzzi. C’mon please. Even if you don’t like em’, just keep them for at least one hot tub scene. One has got a tat on her ankle. I wonder where the others tat is? -Kelly Jo has made herself known immediately by being a loud mouth and saying to the camera, “Hopefully I’m the best kisser and give him the most sparks. How hot is he?” I don’t know. How annoying are you already? Very. -Shea the firefighter wins the award for best rack of the 25 girls. In case you were scoring at home. -Estella the hottie mortgage broker from Beverly Hills says she “gets incredibly nervous when I have a crush on a guy.” So she grabs his hand, and puts it on her heart so he can feel how fast it’s beating. For those that didn’t take Human Anatomy 101, her heart is buried behind her left breast. So yes, on the first episode, Hungry Bob has copped his first feel. Granted, it wasn’t the kind of feel that Katie Holmes gave herself, but nonetheless, it was pretty decent considering he just met her four seconds ago. -Heather from who knows where says she had a dream last night where she kissed Bob. Really? Whew. At least I’m not the only one having dreams like that. No, no, no. Not kissing Bob. That wouldn’t be right. Or straight. No, I’m kissing other people and other things. Then I wake up right in the middle of it all pissed off that it’s not real. Ask any guy. There is nothing more frustrating than waking up in the middle of one of “those” dreams. -So he’s met all 25 as they’ve arrived out of the limo and he goes in and talks to all of them. Right when he walks in, the chant starts again, “Bob! Bob! Bob!” Was Bob at the Last Supper? Did he turn water into wine? Has he walked on water before? This chant better not continue for the next six weeks. Screw that. They need to immediately get the producers to step in and say, “All right. None of this “sixth-grade-boy-I-think-is-cute” chanting anymore. We’ve had enough.” So have we Mike Fleiss and Co. -Lindsay K. the Southern Belle from South Carolina has the line of the night. “I wish Bob would take me home and sop me up like a biscuit.” Huh? Is that supposed to be sexual? Or am I supposed to become hungry upon hearing that? Ever had biscuits and gravy? What’s the big deal? It’s like this big meal in the South. I don’t get it. I mean, it’s good. It’s not Filet Mignon, but it’s good. I’m sure back in his hey day, Rotund Bob probably sopped up a few biscuits as well. Not anymore. He’s Atkins Bob now. -Kelly Jo gets the first kiss from Malnourished Bob because, well, she practically raped him to get it. "So don’t I get a kiss?” “Uh, sure.” She does the leaning in, she makes the move, and Bobbo can’t be rude and pull away, so he kisses her on the lips. So immediately, Kelly gets the most obvious nickname I’ve ever given away. Kelly Ho. -Mary the 35 year old dancer from Florida likes her Latina side, so she’s going to talk Spanish to Starving Bob. Great. We got freakin’ J-Lo on the show now. Gee, I’m utterly stunned that J-Lo and Ben didn’t work out. She’s been married twice for combined less than 2 years, and he’s a gambling, recovering booze and Vegas hound with a penchant for banging strippers in Vancouver every second he’s away from her. Shocker these two didn’t work out. Trust me, there’s only one person happier than me that these two aren’t together. Matt Damon. How stoked do you think Matt is that his lover finally dumped her? -Commercial. Awesome. We have a James Spader sighting. He’s going to join this season of “The Practice.” Maybe I’ll actually start watching that show now. If Lara Flynn Boyle wasn’t enough to get me to watch thus far, “Steph” from “Pretty In Pink” should do the trick. So has he moved on from Blaine trashing him at the Senior Prom? Is he over the fact that Andy realized he was a creep? One of the all-time great high school characters ever. The rich, snobbish, high school senior with a coke addiction and his slut girlfriend wreaking havoc on everyone else. Who was cooler? Him or Jake Ryan? I guess it depends on what kind of girl you’re asking. Steph was the bad boy, and Jake Ryan was the preppie, nice guy. So considering all chicks love the bad boys that treat them like crap and turn away from the nice guys, I guess Steph wins that battle. -Hungry Bob has a heart-to-heart with Christine and she reveals her relationship history. Her longest relationship has been 6 months and she’s saving herself for marriage. Bob’s response: “Thank you for coming.” I’m kidding. But he did say, “Hey, hey, that’s great. I really respect that.” Translation: Are you kidding me? I’ve noticed these dating shows are now throwing two “token” types on their shows. The “token” virgin, and the “token” black girl or guy. And both these “tokens” have one thing in common. They never last. -Katie Holmes admits to not being very aggressive at all and is very old fashioned. Big deal. That's a good thing. “Not being very aggressive” means she’s not a giant social butterfly that’ll flirt with every guy that walks by, and old fashioned just means she enjoys her sex in the missionary position. Nothing wrong with that. And oh yeah, by the way, Bob’s mom appeared on the show 10 minutes ago to talk to the girls and help with his decision. Probably should’ve mentioned it sooner but she kinda bothered me and I didn’t feel like giving too much attention to her. Didn’t really add anything to the show. -When Scrawny Bob asked Mom who made an impression on her she mentioned three girls: Katie Holmes, Kristi, and token black girl Karin. Kristi was the loan processor from Illinois who has orange skin and bleached blonde hair. And Karin, although one of the two token black girls, is very attractive. Karin also is not going to win. Just a guess. -Time to head to the deliberation room with the “Pick me!” photos. Host Chris asks Bobbie Eugene Guiney who made the first impressions out of the limo. He said Lee-Ann (Katie Holmes) and Estella. Wow. Slight Bob and I think alike. He could be stealing the women I’m after. Damn him. -Rose Ceremony. Here is the order he chose his women…. 1. Kelly Ho- She needs to calm down and calm down immediately. Just because you raped him into kissing you, doesn’t mean you have to scream when he picks you first. 2. Katie Holmes. Told you she’s going far. Another reason why we knew she was lasting? She said to the camera that she didn’t think she was getting a rose tonight because she’s not aggressive. Some things never change. 3. Misty from Texas. 4. Lindsay D. the Clipper dancer from L.A. – So did I ever tell you the story……? 5. Kristi the loan processor from Illinois. She’ll be around a while. Her orange skin will get her eliminated though. 6. Mary the 35 year old dancer. J-Lo lives to tell another day. 7. Jen- The first girl I thought that was attractive. 8. Karin- Awwww s***. Bob’s got Jungle feeva’, Bob’s got Jungle feeva’, he’s in love. 9. Brooke- I don’t know a thing about her yet. 10. Estella- Will also be around for a while. 11. Antoinette- Giant muscles. Horse face. 12. Meredith- Ummmm…. 13. Jenny from Texas. Attractive girl, had on the worst dress out of everyone. 14. Lanah the ugly girl. Giant forehead, and she had waaaay too much space between her nose and her upper lip. Freaky. 15. Lindsay D. from South Carolina- Yeeeee haaaaawwww! She gonna’ done sop him up like a biscuit. Shutup Lindsay. Speak English. -Christine the Virgin is upset. “I guess I didn’t have what he was looking for. I think me saving myself for marriage scared him off.” Well, at least she’s not stupid. -Heather is our first basket case of the season. Holy s*** girl. Quit crying. I mean, this chick wasn’t just sniffles and “I-really-wish-I-would’ve-gotten-a-chance-to-know-him” crying. She was practically screaming for her mommy. “I just don’t get it. I’m so disappointed. He’s so cute. He might be the one for me and I’ll never know. I can’t believe I got dumped on national television. Why? Why? Why?” This was after one night with him? Imagine if he would’ve kept her around and then gave her the heave ho’? We would’ve been looking at our first suicide on network television. Think of Liz the Wreck from last season, and multiply that by 50. That was Heather. -Ok. Now time to reveal my two lists. One of which you could already probably figure out. -Top Three Girls I Would Like to Bone If Bob Doesn’t 1. Katie Holmes- Without a doubt. 2. Jen the schoolteacher from San Diego- Me likey. 3. Estella the Mortgage Broker from Beverly Hills- I can whisper sweet nothings about Home Equity Lines of Credit into her ear late at night. -Top Five Girls I Think Have a Chance To Win After Watching One Episode 1. Katie Holmes – For reasons expressed throughout this column. 2. Kristi- He likes her. Might be the whole loan processor in Illinois thing, but he definitely likes her. 3. Kelly Ho- Because she attacked him on their 2nd alone time together. 4. Jen the schoolteacher from San Diego- Me likey. 5. Mary- Apparently he likes it when J. Lo speaks Spanish to him. Plus, she’s 35 and he might be into that older woman thing. Bonus. Estella- The mortgage thing coming into play again. And she’s hot. -Previews for upcoming episodes see Emaciated Bob making out with I think all fifteen girls. This guy is on the prowl by next episode. What a horn dog. Show some respect, would ya’? I mean, c’mon already. Apparently Bobbo’s charm has some girl so whacked out, she’s taken to the hospital. I wonder what it was for? Rough sex? Or did she hyperventilate when he told her he might not be the one for her? Shaping up to be a rather interesting next couple months. I’m excited. You should be excited. We all should be excited. And I have a crush on Katie Holmes. Both of them. Until next week…. back to THE BACHELOR 4 index page
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