9.24.03 10.1.03 10.8.03 10.15.03 10.22.03 10.30.03 11.5.03 11.12.03 QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? EMAIL ME	THE BACHELOR 4 11.19.03 SEASON FINALE I think in the very beginning I picked Estella, right? Thought so. I have an idea for this show. I really think they should have an hour show one week dedicated to both girls meeting the family. And then the finale is just an hour as well where they get one final date with him, then he makes his decision. Two reasons why I’d like for this to happen: 1) Two hours of fluff was tooooo much to handle. I mean, look at what made the final cut in those 120 minutes last night. Now just imagine what DIDN’T air? My god, people from all over the world who suffer from sleep deprivation may have just found their cure. 2) It’s freakin’ 11:00, I’m tired, I’m bored, and I have 3 pages of notes to cover. I really need to tone this down a bit. Let’s get started before I….zzzzzzzz. It’s starting already. You know, last week was the first time I’ve ever written a column, where halfway through I was so tired, I had to take a nap, wake up, then start writing again. I think I’m headed in that direction again tonight. So fully expect grammatical errors, run-on sentences, and a bunch of gibberish nonsense. -The recap at the beginning of the show lasted 5 minutes, and basically reminded us of how much crying went on for the past 9 weeks. I think that whole 5 minutes was just to re-live and embarrass those ladies who enjoyed having mascara run down their face. What do those girls think of themselves now? I mean, were they really that crushed that Bobbo didn’t like them? Is it normal to hyperventilate and become hysterical over a guy that you never went on a one-on-one date with? I wouldn’t think so, but what do I know? -Estella is first up to visit Bob and meet his family, and Bob greets her with a, “You look hot.” Such the charmer he is. Now, I’m in complete agreement here with Bob on this don’t get me wrong, I just don’t think I would’ve put it that way. I probably would’ve come with something the way our Poem Dork used to do. “You look so lovely. The sun glistening off your tight, hard body. The sounds of nature make me want to lay you down on this picnic blanket and engage in the throws of passion. Your heart beating against mine. Your soft, supple…..” Uh, sorry. I’m beginning to sound like a romance novel. And a horndog. -So they lay out the picnic blanket, have a little lunch set up, and within seconds of Estella’s arrival, the tongue wars have begun. And I did notice something else as these two love animals sat on the blanket, tell me if you recognized this. Did any of you catch Bob’s hand halfway up Estella’s skirt? Anyone? Anyone? I don’t know how you could’ve missed it considering they zoomed right in, but man, Bob wasted absolutely no time in getting down to business there. -Estella: “We would make such an insane couple. My humor, my brains, your good looks….” What’s an insane couple? Is that a good or a bad thing? Are you forewarning him about the potential psycho that’s coming out once the ring gets put on? Must be some Beverly Hills lingo that I haven’t caught on to yet. And considering “amazing” is a word Estella used I think 800 times this episode, I’m very shocked “insane” is how she described the two of them. And yes, I am still waiting for the word “smitten” to make a comeback at some point. -So they meet the family, and here’s where it all begins. “What all begins, Steve?” Well, the 45 minutes that we could’ve easily condensed into about five minutes. Let’s just call it the “Lovefest.” I mean every, single then out of Estella and Kelly Ho’s mouth was perfect. Nothing they said was wrong, everyone loved everyone, the world is a wonderful place, on and on and on and on and on and on this went for what seemed like eternity. Ok. We get it. Bob has an amazing family. The family thinks both girls are amazing. Everything’s amazing and great. Happy, happy, joy, joy. Can we find out who our next “Bachelorette” is please? And where’s my pizza? I ordered it about 30 minutes ago, and haven’t gotten s*** yet. -Bob’s parents married after 3 weeks and have now been married for 32 years. Awwwww. Hey wait a minute. Didn’t Firestone’s parents marry after like two weeks and are coming up on their 90th anniversary? Hey, maybe that’s a prerequisite for becoming the next “Bachelor”. You have to have parents who married four seconds after meeting each other and stayed together for a long time. That way, it’s in your genes to pretend you fall in love with someone in two months and want to marry them so ABC can put out a good show. I get it. It all makes sense now. -Bob is very close to his sister Dee Dee. And he respects her opinion very much. And Dee Dee is blown away by the women. “If these are the types of girls you’ve been meeting….” Whoa, wait a second. You’ve only met Estella so far. Uh oh. Did the editors do another poor job? Did this conversation really take place after both girls had shown up but they forgot to show it later? Get on the ball, people. We already what a hatchet job you did on the reunion show last week. Quit screwing up the boring finale. -Back in Beverly Hills, Kelly Ho is getting fitted for an engagement ring. Well, it’s either getting fitted or she’s actually picking out which one she wants for when Bob doesn’t propose to her. The overacting jeweler shows her a “cushion cut”. At this point, they might as well have run some Chinese across the bottom of the screen cuz’ I had no clue what they were talking about. And believe me when I tell you this ladies, I speak for all guys here: All rings look the same to us. All of them. Outside of being a different color, or something that’s like a million dollars, every ring that horrible acting jeweler showed both ladies looked identical to me. Talk all you want about the how its cut, the carats, blah blah blah blah blah….it’s like Charlie Brown’s teacher when the excited-to-actually-be-on-camera jeweler was talking. -Back at Bobby’s place, Estella is really starting to fall for Bob’s family. “I don’t want to leave tonight.” Awwwww…that’s very nice of you, sweetie. But you have to. See, you need to leave, so the whole Guiney family can gather ‘round and gossip about you. You know, about how much they enjoyed your company, how much your smile lights up a room, or just about how many botox injections you slipped in before the visit. Simple stuff like that. Nothing to get paranoid about or anything. -Bob’s brother-in-law steps to the plate. “Would either of you move to each other’s city if you needed to?” A great Fred Astaire job by both of these tapdancers avoiding the question like an Englishman avoids hygiene. “Well, you know, it’s not something we’ve really discussed….wherever life take us….journey….” Yeah, yeah. We’ve heard it all before. Enough already. Just answer the question. -Bob’s pops asks Estella if she could see herself travelling with Bob’s family. If Gregory Hines were still alive, he’d be proud. Estella played this one perfect. “I love hanging out with you guys, we can talk forever, I love how family is so important….” Geez Louise. Answer the damn question. Yes or No. Can you see yourself travelling with the Guiney’s? -Now it’s Momma’s turn. “Are you capable of loving someone with your heart and soul?” Translation: If you do marry my son, you’re not gonna break his heart like the ex-wife did so we have to watch him put on another 75 lbs cuz’ he’s depressed all the time? Boy, these Guiney’s don’t waste any time. Straight and to-the-point. The Guiney’s are a bunch of hard asses. No B.S. with them. They know what they want, and they go get it. I still think we should get some sort of update from the ex-wife. Who is she? What’s she doing? Do they still talk? Is ex sex still around? Who dumped who? More things I need to know that they don’t cover. No, they’d rather show all six people having a group orgy over how well they’re getting along. -Bob’s mom: “I like the way she touches you. We’re a very touchy feely family, so she’ll fit right in.” And I’m guessing Bob likes that as well. In fact, he probably likes it too much. See, Mrs. Guiney I think was referring to being very touchy feely with the hands when talk. Bob’s touchy feely goes a little beyond that. In fact, I think it’s illegal in most states. Bob likes to touch. And lick. -Whoa. I just took a two hour nap. I set my alarm for an hour then I snoozed it 7 times. It is now 2:00am and I’m wide awake. Back to business. -Commerical. Uh, can someone please tell Michael Jackson to stop touching little boys. Talk about touchy feely. I guess Michael just doesn’t get it. Doesn’t he know that the 12 year olds are a lot smarter than the 7 year olds? Quit touching little boys, Mike. And quit putting masks on your children. Why does he wear a cloth over his face? Why does he have a monkey named “Bubbles”? Why does he let kids sleep over at his ranch? And why is he so freakin’ weird? Bail has only been set at $3 million. You mean Kobe allegedly rapes someone and his bail is $25,000, but Michael allegedly touches someone inappropriately and his bail is $3 million? Makes sense. Jacko might be in a little trouble. -Time for Kelly Ho’ to arrive and Ho’ herself out one last time. Bob arrives on a jet ski to pick up her up. They kiss, then kiss some more, then go out on the jet ski for a while. Looks like they’re breaking all sorts of jet ski speeding limits. He even lets her drive which is a first. “I’ve never been on the back of a jet ski. I’ve always been the driver.” Well, that answers the question of if Bob was gay, which would he prefer. Thanks Bob. -Once again, Bob’s parents take a liking to the girl he brings home. “So Bob, what first attracted you to Kelly Jo?” “Well, I wanted to tell everyone that we set a Bachelor record by having a lip lock on the 1st night.” Yes, they did. How could I forget? Hence the nickname for Kelly. That wasn’t the only record set during this season of the “Bachelor”. Here are a few others in case you were unaware. 1. Most amount of saliva exchanged. 2. Most amount of women sent packing crying hysterically. 3. Most amount of mascara wasted. 4. Most damage done to a single mansion by a group of women. 5. Least amount of brain cells between the 25 women. 6. Most amount of silicone between the 25 women. -Back in Beverly Hills, Estella arrives to get fitted for her ring. Our wannabe actress jeweler immediately starts in with, “Are you Estella?” No, she’s not. It’s just some other random girl they’ve decided to follow into your store with cameras to try on rings. This is a real sharp one here. I can’t remember too clearly if Andrew Firestone’s jeweler was remotely this retarded, but if I had to guess, I’d say no. Could be wrong though. -Back at the lovefest, Bob’s dad takes the Ho’ for a little walk. He talks about his marriage and how much he loves his wife. “We’ve been married for 32 years. She’s my best friend. We fight, we argue, but we make up.” Uh, that’s not the visual I need right now. If Bob’s dad is even 1/8th as horny as his son, he must be some genetic jackhammer. Slow down, pops. Nora’s had enough. -Bob brother-in-law, who actually seems somewhat normal and willing to help out, asks, “So what do you like about K-Jo?” I’ll tell you what I don’t like. The fact someone who just met her an hour ago is calling her K-Jo. Maybe, just maybe, I can deal with Bob saying it although it’s an annoying name, but where do you come in buddy? K-Jo? Please. And by the way, how in the world are Ben and J-Lo back together anyway. The guy basically got cold feet, ran away at the altar, and within two weeks, they’re together again and now thinking of eloping? Either that’s some of the best lovin’ he’s ever had, or once he went running back to Matt, he found out Matt wanted someone else. Totally confused by this. I thought you were through with her, Ben? Those boozing-it-up, blow-50-grand, Vegas benders are a thing of the past once she latches on to you. Don’t do it. -The lovefest continues. “My family really loves KJ. Her mom reminds me of my mom. Her sister reminds me of Dee Dee.” I mean my God already. Enough of this. Does anyone have anything remotely bad to say about anything? I’m literally starting to feel queezy. At least last season we had some drama when Kirsten still had a boyfriend back home and Andy’s brother called her out on it. That made for some good television. Especially when she didn’t have a comeback for him. “Uhhhh…well….you see…..we’re good friends…..he doesn’t want it to be over…..uhhhh…..err…..I kinda…..I love having sex with him.” Ahhhh, the good ol’ days. And now K-Jo has become KJ. I can’t even comment on something like that. -Poppa Guiney: “What was your initial attraction to her?” “Her rack.” No, that’s not what Bob said. Although that’s what he was thinking, he didn’t say that. He gave the ol’ “her energy, her enthusiasm, her smile” B.S. line. Or something like that. This is when my pizza arrived. Why did I get that? I wasn’t even hungry anymore. I ate 3 pieces and put the rest in the frig. As for the 8 breadsticks I got, those went right in the trash. And thanks for the 2 liter bottle of coke. I asked for a large, not party size. Nothing like having a medium pizza at 10 o’clock at night. Very healthy. I’ll just save the rest for lunch. Pizza is never a bad thing. You know the saying, “Pizza is like sex. When it’s good, it’s great. When it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.” -You know the #1 thing I noticed when Bob and Kelly Ho were sitting around the table talking to his parents? Maybe I’m just picky, and maybe this wasn’t a big deal at all, but when everyone was sitting up talking and asking questions, Kelly Ho’ was slumped down in her chair talking to everyone. Maybe I’m just nitpicking, but that didn’t seem right. You know what else didn’t seem right? The fact that this chick is constantly wearing some dangling or loopy type of earring. Very annoying. -Here’s Bob’s brother-in-law again: “Kelly Jo is a wonderful girl. If you didn’t like her, you’d probably be an idiot.” Well, then add me to the Idiot Club I guess. So now we’re all idiots if we don’t like her? That’s a nice thing to call your viewing audience. The nerve of this guy. I’m kidding. I like Kelly Jo’. Just not as much as Estella. And if the rumor I hear is true, this isn’t the last we’ll be seeing of Kelly Jo. I’d read in two different places before last night’s show that the loser was going to be the next “Bachelorette” which starts in January. Now, if you had heard that rumor beforehand, Bob picking Estella made a lot more sense. I couldn’t see them revolving a show around Estella. Kelly Jo I could. -Uh oh. Our first controversy of the lovefest. After Bob sends Kelly Jo on her way, he sits down with his family to get an assesment of the last two days. Bob’s mom is a little disappointed that Kelly Jo didn’t get to know her. Estella did. Ding, ding, ding. Bonus points for Estella. Even Bob’s dad admits he probably liked Kelly Jo more than his wife did. Well yeah, of course he did. He got alone time with her. I’m guessing even pops took a glance or 50 at Kelly’s goodies. Hey, he’s male. Which brings me to something I saw on the news last night. Did you know that pornography is a billion dollar a year industry now? A billion! Why am I bringing this up? Because I love it when you’ll hear females say that, “Well, my boyfriend doesn’t watch porn. He doesn’t need to. He’s got me.” Wrong. Billion dollar industry. Somebody’s buying, and somebody’s watching. And for the most part, I’d say it’s 95% guys. Sure you’ll have your certain girls here or there that are into porn, but it’s a guy thing. Women don’t buy porn. They’ll just watch it when forced to by their boyfriend and pretend not to like it. So anytime you don’t think your guy is into it because he has you, just remember one thing: Billion dollar industry. That’s my public service announcement for the week. -The other main topic between Bob and his family is the therapy session they decided to have with him regarding him opening up to women. Was this necessary? I actually felt bad for the guy as his family came down on him for being scared to open up, for fear of getting hurt. See, this is where I draw the line. Can we get an exclusive interview with the ex-wife please? What’d she do to this guy? He’s permanently scarred. Did she cheat? Did she go lesbo on him? What is it? I’m dying to know. When asked by his mom if he was capable of opening up and ready to marry someone again, Bob responded with, “I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m capable of.” Which should have been our first clue to what his final decision was going to be. Clue #2 comes in a couple paragraphs. -Time for each girls final date to grovel for Bob. One last chance to give him some sex before he makes his decision. Estella’s up first and they decide to make some pizza together. Hmmmmm…..pizza? Interesting choice. The subtle sexual hints just keep popping up. -Estella calls Bobbo out. “What are your feelings for me right now?” Damn. She’s on the prowl. She wants an answer, and she wants it now. I don’t think Bob answered the question the way she wanted it answered. He ho’ed and humm’ed around that one and was being “closed-up-I-don’t-want-to-get-close-to-anyone-for-fear-of-getting-hurt-again” Bob. So Estella put her two cents in with, “I’m afraid not just that you might choose Kelly Jo over me, but that you might also choose this might not be the right time for you.” Translation: Clue #2 that he wasn’t going to propose at the end. There was never any doubt last season that whoever Andrew chose, he was going to propose to. At least, they never showed us anything to think otherwise. But referencing it twice tonight gave us a heads up. Thank you for that, ABC. Nice to know I’ve put in nine f***ing weeks only come out with a goddamn promise ring. My heart has been ripped out of my chest and stomped on. -Bob, completely at a loss for the bombshell Estella just dropped right in his grill, quickly thinks of this one, “If you could have a perfect ending, what would it be?” Huh? You serious? What do you expect her to say? “You know Bob, I would like nothing more than for you to bring me out on that balcony overlooking the ocean, look into my eyes and tell me everything that you love about me, then pull out the ring and say, ‘But this is for Kelly Jo’. Nothing would make me happier.” Boy Bob is really at a loss for words here. Nice question, buddy. -Now it’s Kelly Jo’s turn to visit. She brought Bob a pie. Apparently Bob likes pie. A lot. No need to elaborate any further. So they go outside to cook on the grill and have a bunch of cooking mishaps that were hilarious to them and not the least bit funny to me. Sorry. They overexaggerated that whole scene. But I will give Kelly Ho’ credit for one thing on her final alone time with Bob. She definitely came dressed to the nine’s. That mini skirt couldn’t have been any mini’er if she tried. And let me tell you, Bob took full advantage of that. Mini skirts are great. One of the greatest female clothing idea ever. Keep em’ coming. -Today’s the big day. The day we’ve all been waiting for. Bob gets to choose which lady he’ll ask to wear a ring on her right hand and continue along this journey with him until he’s finally ready. Can’t wait. I’m still pissed about this ending. -And boy, did they rip off last season or what on the morning of the big day. Bob’s currently shaving with just a towel on. I believe they showed Andrew doing the exact same thing last season. Now Estella wakes up with no bed head, and walks straight to the window to open the drapes to a beautiful- an exact replica of what Kirsten did. Then they pan to Kelly Ho’s room where she’s laying face down (yeah daddy) in her silk pajamas. Silk pajamas was the 2nd best idea for female clothing. We need more mini’s and silk pajamas in this world. Definitely a prerequisite for any girl of mine. I think. -Both ladies are getting dressed and I must admit that both of them look pretty damn good. Estella has a nice, tight black dress on whereas Kelly Ho’ went with the light, more loose fitting red dress that accentuates her cleavage. Not a bad idea. However, the tacky, giant loopy earrings that I could shoot a basketball through doesn’t really seem like the fashion statement I’d be looking for on my potential wedding day. But hey, that’s just me. What do I know about female fashion? -Comm ercial. I still haven’t seen “Elf” and I need to. Anything Will Ferrell does makes me laugh. And for those that don’t realize this, let me help you out. Whether you want to believe it or not, Will Ferrell was pound for pound the funniest guy they’ve ever had on “Saturday Night Live”. Chris Farley was a close second, and Chris Kattan is up there as well, but Ferrell was the best. The VH-1 “Behind the Music” with the Blue Oyster Cult was one of the funniest skits ever. You can’t beat lines like, “I gotta have more cowbell.” And “Explore the space.” And “Pretty soon, you’ll all be wearin’ gold plated diapers.” Other classic Ferrell lines…. “I….I just died in your arms tonight….” “Get off the damn shed!” “I drive a Dodge Stratus!” I may have completely lost some of you with that last paragraph, but trust me, Ferrell is the all-time best. -One last video message from each girl. From Kelly Jo: “You have my heart forever, so take it.” Easy there, woman. Calm down. Seems a little too forward. As for Estella: “You asked me if I could love you with all my heart and soul. I will never love you with anything less.” If someone said that to me, I think I might turn into silly putty. You got me. Can I have her? -Time for the big moment. Kelly Jo’s out first. Cleavage and all. Bob recaps all the good times they had then sh**cans her. She’s none too happy. “This sucks.” Bob: “Are you mad?” “No, not at all.” Uh, sure sweetie. Of course you’re not mad. You’re just not letting Bob even touch you, you’re not even looking at the guy, and your arms are behind your back. You look thrilled. She looks like someone just shot her dog. He walks her to the limo. He tries to slip one last meaningless tongue in her mouth. Doesn’t work. She’s on her way home. “I’m so sad right now….My heart is broken….I’m so mad….I’m shocked….I feel so alone….” Don’t worry, honey. You’ll get over it. Then in a couple months, when 25 guys are feeding you a bunch of one liners to get in your pants, Bob will be a thing of the past. -Time for Estella to arrive. She’s more nervous than I am, and I already know she’s winning. Bob tells her everything he loves about her, then busts out the ring. Boy, she’s fired up. She’s about to lose it. Only to have Bob say to wear it on her right hand because he wants to be positively sure before he commits to anything. I understand that she wins, and I understand that gets to continue her journey with Bob, but let’s face it, she’s gotta be disappointed. She went through all that to be told, “Hey, let’s keep seeing each other and see where it goes.” Why do I have a feeling these two won’t last? The emotional scars given to our Bob Guiney by one particular ex-wife ruined this show. Maybe his ex should be our next “Bachelorette”. All in all, it was a good season, but actually, I liked the Firestone’s season better. Maybe because they hyped this one up to be something bigger than it was when in all reality, it was no different than the first three seasons. Congrats to Bob and Estella. Hopefully the ring gets moved to the left hand sometime this century. Don’t hold your breath though, Stella. -So next week, our next journey begins with “Trista and Lap Dog’s Wedding”. It’s only 3 episodes long, so I think I can bring myself to write for three weeks. I know this is going to be so bad, it’ll be great. I mean, basically they’re showing us a 3-week wedding video of people we haven’t cared about in over a year. I frankly think Trista is becoming very overplayed and very overrated. Which should make for a great column. See you next week…..
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