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4.28.04
We can all breathe a sigh of relief. ABC has renewed the “Bachelor” for two more seasons. No word yet on if there will be another “Bachelorette” (Trish is still debating whether or not she wants to hit quadruple digits in “Number of Men I’ve Slept With”), but there’s definitely at least two more seasons of guys choosing the woman to spend the next 6 months of his life with before dumping. Can’t wait to see who they choose next. How about Derek Jeter? He seems to have problems attracting the ladies. Kobe? He’ll be divorced the second this trial ends. The possibilities are endless. Let’s begin….
-We start off with Jenny Spy in a limo on the way to the house to reveal she told Jesse all of Trish’s secrets. Why is she crying? Did someone twist her arm to come on the show? C’mon, if she wasn’t there for Jesse, and they talked her into doing it, you know she was compensated for it. Jenny Spy: “I don’t know if I would forgive me.” For what? Five of the six girls probably love her, and she hates the one that dislikes her anyway. Exactly what is she crying about? The other girls are probably thrilled to find out she’s the spy considering they know none of them are bottom feeding, trash bag ho’s like Trish.
-Host Chris announces there will be three one-on-one dates and one group date. Jesse’s friend will be choosing who gets what date. Host Chris: “She’s known him since college, and she’s married to his best friend……and she would love nothing better than to be back together with him like she was in college.” Well, he didn’t quite say that. But he should’ve. Wouldn’t have been lying.
-When Jenny Spy appears, crying of course, the girls start to cry too. Not out of sadness, but pure enjoyment because they know Trish is getting screwed, literally and figuratively. What’s Trish’s reaction? Well, since her T-shirt currently says, “Golddigger. Like a hooker…just smarter”, I’m guessing she doesn’t really give a damn. She’d blow Host Chris if she got any alone time with him.
-Jenny Spy continues her blubbering. Jenny Spy: “I was so not expecting to fall in love with you guys.” Huh? She’s a lesbian now? Kinda has that look, doesn’t she? She could pass for being a switch hitter, no doubt. All the girls continue to say “Don’t worry about it”, “It’s o.k.”, while Trish is still trying to pick her jaw up off the floor. She knows she’s in big trouble, but I’m sure she’ll find a way to sleep her way out of this one. That’s her trademark.
-Commercial. “Primetime Live” is doing a show tonight on straight “A” students who have cheated their way through school. This is news? An “A” student who cheats? Look, I was no valedictorian by any means, but didn’t everyone cheat at some point in their grammar, high school, and college career? What’s so wrong about making so many notes on a piece of paper, taking it to the machine and copying it at 1/8th of its normal size, that way it’s easy to slide in and out of your test booklet without anyone seeing? The guy next to me used to do it all the time. Same guy from K – 16th grade. Always right next to me. Never failed. Crazy how that happened, I know.
-Jessica B. gets the first date with Jesse and they’re going to the Rose Bowl. Her date box consisted of a letterman’s jacket and some pom pom’s. You know, thinking back on it now, could there have been a more narcissistic, arrogant, pompous piece of clothing anyone could ever wear than a letterman’s jacket? Think of what you’re doing. You’re telling everyone in the school your athletic achievements every minute of every day……on your clothing!!!! Don’t get me wrong, I flaunted my letterman’s jacket with all my basketball patches as much as the next guy, but back then, I didn’t care. I was seventeen, horny as a dog in heat, and lookin’ for what every teenage boy was looking for. Sex. That’s all that jacket was. It was sex. It basically screamed at people, “Hey, you and I have sex, you’ll get to wear this someday.” Why else would a guy get one? Nobody else cared that you were 3rd team Honorable Mention Track & Field did they? No, of course not. You got it so you could tell the school who you were sleeping with that particular week. Needless to say, I wore my letterman’s jacket more for my sporting accomplishments than my sexual conquests. Plus, it wore like a tarp around the 5’4” girls I used to date.
-Jesse arrives to pick up Jessica B. and somehow, someway, Meredith decided to dress him in one of her patented turtlenecks. A very masculine light blue one that literally screamed out, “GAY!!” the minute he walked in the door. Looks great Jesse. Don’t let anyone tell you different.
-Jesse and Jessica B. had the whole Rose Bowl to themselves. They laid out a blanket and picnic basket at midfield for dinner. Then the fun began. First up: Tossing the football. Jesse: “Jessica had never thrown a football in her life, so I thought I’d teach her.” Are you sure about this Jesse? Wouldn’t she want to know the correct way to throw? Plus, we don’t want her learning all the bad habits you’ve picked up. You know, like throwing more to the other team than to your guys. She needs to be taught correctly. Just worry about the center/QB exchange and I’m sure the date will end on a high note.
-Holy sh**! Jessica just learned how to throw and she’s already better than him. Maybe the Giants will have her backup Eli Manning instead of this tard. And for those that don’t know, the Giants traded up in the NFL Draft to get the #1 college QB prospect. They dumped their starter from last year, but are going to sign NFL journeyman Neil O’Donnell to be Eli’s backup. AND they signed a kid out of Kentucky to a free agent contract, Jared Lorenzen. So now they have four quarterbacks on their roster. And they’re only gonna keep three. “Uh, Mr. Palmer? The unemployment line forms behind the guy with the horrible body odor and six teeth.”
-Jessica B.: “I don’t think of Jesse as an NFL quarterback.” Neither do any of us Jessica, so now you’re catching on. Will Jesse catch on with another NFL team? I’m sure he will. Will he still make a minimum of probably $350 grand a year? No doubt. I’m in the wrong profession. Just think, I could be making a fortune wearing an NFL cap, holding a clipboard, and giving sign language to the guy that’s actually playing. Tough life Jesse leads, I tell ya’.
-Back at the house, Mandy Jaye finds out she’s going to receive the next one-on-one date. They are going sailing or something. The wheels seem to be spinning in Trish’s head that she’s not going to get a one-on-one date this time around. Can’t imagine why. Jenny Spy had tons of lovely things to say about her.
-Back on the field, Jesse’s throwing more incompletions and there isn’t even a defense playing. Kidding. Sort of. He and Jessica B. are still finishing up dinner when some ratty ass high school band comes marching onto the field to play around them. And I mean the whole damn band. We’re talkin’ the conductor, the dance team, tall flags, rifles….all the dorks in their uniforms. I honestly don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings because that’s not what I’m here to do, but ladies, if you were ever on tall flags or rifles, just never show your face in public again.
-What exactly was the purpose of these two meaningless teams? Yes, that was a rhetorical question. We all know tall flags and rifles were for the chicks who couldn’t cheer or dance, but I just didn’t want to say it. Ok. I did. Hey, I can sit here and make fun, but just know that the first girl I ever dated in high school was on rifles, and the one girl I had a crush on for four years was in tall flags. Would you all like to know what teachers I had in high school as well? My god. Must’ve been that “High School Reunion” season finale on Sunday that has me all nostalgic this week. Next thing you know, I’ll be telling you I’m currently listening to a CD I burned with Kid N’ Play, N2Deep, Tone Loc, PM Dawn, Digital Underground, Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock, Big Daddy Kane, Candyman, Sir Mix-A-Lot, Boyz II Men, the guys that sang “The Ditty”, Vanilla Ice, Mellowman Ace, MC Hammer, Kool Moe Dee, Arrested Development, and Cypress Hill on it. Don’t get me started on early 90’s rap. I’ll bust out and do the Running Man right now. And the Roger Rabbit.
-Jessica B.: “This is the best date I’ve ever been on.” Huh? Slowly becoming one of the more repeated phrases on this show, I’m completely at a loss for how this is the best date ever. A rinky dink high school marching band is playing some fight song you’ve never heard of, and you’re making out with a 3rd string NFL scrub. Is dinner and movie to this chick like the end-all-be-all of dates? Geez. Calm down.
-Quote of the night: As the band is heading back up into the bleachers still playing a tired fight song, Jesse’s in awe, “That was dope.” Dope? No, Jesse. There was nothing dope about that performance other than you must’ve smoked a little if you thought that was entertaining. Now, the only cool thing about his date could’ve been if he and Jessica B. boinked right at midfield. Now that I would’ve given him props for. Maybe he did and ABC just decided not to air two people having sex on network television at 9:17 at night. Mighta gotten fined or something.
-Commercial. My pizza arrived at this break, so I didn’t catch anything other than the promos for “Extreme Makeover: Ugly Face and Ugly Home” Edition. Great. Another one of these. Can we stop turning ugly people into models please? How are these people chosen anyway? I mean, every week I keep thinking they can’t possibly find someone uglier than they had on the week before. Then I watch the first two minutes and see someone ripping their front six teeth out, and they’ve got a little cleaning up to do. I splurged tonight. Pizza isn’t good for the Atkins diet, but screw it. I’ve gone four weeks eating blocks of cheese and meat. I can have one night to myself.
-Mandy Jaye’s date is in Newport Beach where after meeting at the Villanova restaurant, they’re going yachting. Let me tell you something about the Villanova restaurant. Number one, by brother-in-law works there. Number two, my mom is like Norm from “Cheers” in that bar. Which one is she? Just look for the one who brings in the tamborine and starts singing with the band all the time. Oh wait. That’s at “Mama Gina’s”. I don’t know what she does at Villanova. Probably the same thing. Whatever. Anyway, she never told me she ran into Jesse and Mandy Jaye so I’m questioning whether or not those two met there before getting on the boat.
-Mandy Jaye can’t wait for her date, but is a little apprehensive because she’s terrified of the water. Who the hell is she, Frankie? Yeah, she seems real afraid. The yacht is zipping through the water at warp speed and she and Jesse are at the edge making out. And of course, we can thank “Titanic” for this, but whenever two people are ever standing at the edge of the boat, you apparently now HAVE to hold your arms out wide and say, "I’m the King of the World!!!!” Can we put an end to this please? I know the movie was popular, but enough is enough. To this day, I still don’t understand why Jack didn’t push someone else off their piece of driftwood they were holding onto if he loved Rose so much and wanted to be with her.
-Back at the house, the group date box appears and wouldn’t you know it, Karen, Suzie, and Trish will be next to go. Karen’s upset because she’s the only one who still hasn’t gotten alone time with Jesse. Karen: “I don’t wanna cry over this.” Then why are you? Look, not like Karen had a chance to win this anyway, but if Jesse’s had one-on-one dates with everyone thus far, and Jenny Spy is doing the choosing and trying to find the perfect girl for Jesse, wouldn’t she at least give Karen a chance for some alone time, just to make things fair? Of course not. Jenny Spy is one jealous beyotch.
-Jesse: “Mandy Jaye’s been in pageants before. She knows what judges want to hear. How do I know she’s not telling me what I want to hear?” Good point. Jesse’s a little deeper than we all thought. So instead of following that up with some more tough, thought-provoking questions, he just decides to slide his tongue down her throat. Makes sense.
-Back at the house, Trish is getting drilled…..by the other girls, that is. Jesse’s still on his date with Mandy Jaye remember. But if he wasn’t, he would definitely be another notch above Trish’s headboard. Anyway, the girls are attacking Trish about what kind of guy she likes, does she have a type, do they have to be rich, on and on and on and on. She’s had it. Trish: “I hate having to defend myself to f***in 20 year olds.” Sooooo, you do this often? A bit of advice: Maybe you wouldn’t have to defend yourself if you didn’t reveal that you slept with a married man, cheated on your boyfriend, have had sex with more than one guy in the same night, and basically weren’t an All-American dumpster for a man and his penis.
-Karen to Trish: “Point blank. Could you marry someone poor and have kids with them. Yes or no?” Trish: “No.” Well, she’s doing something right, because she’s got Jesse fooled. He thinks she’s the cat’s meow. Sorry. Stole that from Farmer Ted in “Sixteen Candles”. Trish: “This is exactly the reason why I have a lot of guy friends.” Gee, and I thought it was because you like to be used as a human trampoline. Honestly, Trish is one of those girls that thinks her sexual accomplishments are something to be proud of, but really, it’s no big deal. I’ve posed this question many times, but I’ll pose it again: Do you women understand how easy it is to sleep with a man? Women have what men are after. It’s not the other way around. Men are just looking for a “yes”. If a girl walked into a bar, ordered a drink, went up to a guy and said, “You know, you’re very attractive guy. I would love to have sex with you right now”, most guys would leave skidmarks pulling out of parking lot taking that chick home. But 99% of the time, if a guy walked into a bar, walked straight up to a woman and said, “Hey there. Can I buy you a drink then go home and have sex with you?”, chances are he’s getting slapped. So women who brag about who they’ve slept with, or how many they slept with aren’t really all that and a bag of chips. Not that guys who sleep with hundreds of women are either, I’m just saying it’s soooooo much easier for the woman. Trish, you’re a whore. Next paragraph….
-The group date begins and Trish has a plan. Trish: “I’m need to clean up this mess the girls have created. I have to get some alone time with Jesse.” Oh, that’s right. I forgot the other girls were the ones who blabbered to the world during “I Never” that they ruined someone else’s marriage. How could I be so stupid?
-Jesse to Trish: “Why did you date an older man who was married.” Trish: “Uhhhh…..errrrr….ummmmmm….it was wrong. It just happened.” Jesse: “What just happened? Did you sleep with him?” Trish: “Yes.” During all this, Trish turned the water works on to make it seem like it was something she deeply regretted. The only thing she regretted is that the wife didn’t walk in on them when she was riding him like a pony. Oh wait, that’s Jesse’s next question…..
-Jesse: “I also heard that you weren’t sorry about the reaction you got when his wife walked in on you.” Trish: “No, no, no. That was somebody I dated in college. Those are two separate strories.” Ooooooohhhhh, ok. That makes it so much better. Ok, so when you’re done explaining the “sleeping with the married man” story, perhaps you’d like to share the other nice tale of you and another man riding the hobby horse when his girlfriend walked in. I don’t even think the Jaws of Life could save her now. Oh, yes they can….
-Jesse: “There’s still so many things I like about Trish…..(as he firmly plants his tongue on her tonsils) Thanks for being honest with me.” I mean, what do you say to that? Nothing. The minute you saw that her promiscuity bothered him as much as losing his job in the NFL, you knew she was getting a rose. That’s all I needed to see.
-Karen pulls Jesse aside for some alone time. I’m not kidding you, the only part of this alone time they showed was Jesse and her kissing. That’s it. No talking, no getting-to-know-each-other, no gossip about Trish, nothing. Just them tongue wrestling and Karen saying, “I think I may have a chance now.” Not by that editing you don’t.
-Next up: Suzie. If you thought Karen’s alone time was bad, Suzie beat it with a cherry on top. Once again, nothing but kissing. And Jesse mauled her. They were immediately knocking over pillows and he was on top of her within seconds of sitting down. So it was not surprising whatsoever after watching these two’s alone time on who was going to get dumped last night. They’re not going to spend four seconds on a girl’s date that he’s keeping around.
-At the end of the day, all three of them toasted. Jesse: “To an amazing date with three unbelievable women!” How would you know? You didn’t even speak the English language to two of them. Unless you consider moaning, slurping, and licking that of good conversation. I think not.
-Commercial. Once again, our local news here in L.A. with another gripping headline story, “A peeping Tom where you least expect it. More, tonight at 11.” So I actually turn on the news to find out what this pervert was doing, and apparently this guy was checking out chicks in the dressing rooms trying on clothes. Where I least expect it? A dressing room? No, where I’d least expect a peeping Tom is in a GUY’S dressing room!!! Demented? Yes. But am I shocked? Uhhhh, not really. Hey, I’ve never peeped before, and don’t plan on it anytime soon, but if I’m guessing if I ever decided I wanted to, a dressing room would be one of my #1 targets. Call me crazy.
-Time for Tara’s one-on-one date. This was a bit different. Jesse explained it as: “Tara’s going to wear her favorite colors, her favorite outfit, I get to pick her up in her favorite car, and I’m cooking her favorite meal.” Which couldn’t have begged any easier question: Does she get it in her favorite position tonight, too? Too easy. Sometimes these jokes just write themselves. What is her favorite anyway? Just curious. My friend who always sat next to me who cheated wants to know.
-Tara’s favorite color is pink, so the living room is all decked out with pink roses, with pink pillows, and a pink couch. Did Trista decorate this room by any chance? Pink, pink, pink, pink, pink. It’s been a couple week, shouldn’t we be expecting her to grace our television screen soon? Her time limit is rapidly approaching, I think.
-Tara’s having trouble believing marriage could happen on a reality show, and I can’t see why considering the rousing success they’ve had out of the first four “Bachelor” installments. Nonetheless, Jesse tries to calm her nerves about the whole thing: “My parents went on 6 dates, then eloped. They’ve been married for 26 years.” Ooooohhhhh. Aaaaaahhhhhh. Would they like that medal bronzed? Who cares? We’re talking about the here and the now. Relationships back in the 70’s are a hell of a lot different than they are in the 90’s, but apparently Jesse hasn’t figured that out yet. What’s good for his parents is good for him. Maybe if he chooses Tara, they can head to drive-in after a stop at the malt shop for their first date. Or was that more in the 50’s and 60’s? Ok, maybe he and Tara could just go back to his place in their tye dye shirts and she can take a big hit off his peace pipe. Then afterwards, she can actually smoke out off his peace pipe.
-So Jesse's parents have been married 26 years after having six dates then eloping? And Jesse is 26 years old. Hmmmmm....why do i have a feeling that Jesse's conception had more to do with the rush to elope than it did with two young lovebirds falling head over heels for each other. Just a guess.
-Back at the house, seeing that this is the last night there for the ladies, they decide to get wild. Well, Suzie does. She does a keg stand with Karen holding her legs parallel to the ground. It wasn’t a true keg stand since she technically wasn’t perpendicular to the ground, but close enough. Especially with Karen holding her in a very compromising position if you ask me. We’ll just leave it at that. And oh yeah, someone yelled, “Suck it!!!!” The FCC fine should be on its way to ABC’s desk this morning.
-All the while, Trish is inside the house pouting. The girls are now piss drunk doing chicken fights in the pool. It was at this point that I began to have sharpening pains in my head remembering back to 8th grade when my girlfriend Joanna was on one of my friends shoulders chicken fighting with someone else. I’m not a very jealous guy by nature, but I lost it when I saw that. I made sure that the next time I had her alone, I was giving her a piece of my tongue just so she remembered who she was with at the time. I sure showed her.
-Back to Tara’s date, Jesse is getting serious. He’s really starting to open up about prior girlfriends he’s had, and what he expects when he’s with a woman. Jesse: “In past relationships, I’ve given it, I just haven’t received it.” (Gulp). First off Jesse, you are a better man than I. I’m more of an “eye-for-an-eye-tooth-for-a-tooth” guy. Secondly, you are admitting this becuzzzzzzzz…..you like painting yourself into a corner? I’m completely confused at this point. No idea what he’s talking about. Oh, he’s talking about “honesty”? Woops.
-Commercial. Man, I’ve seen a lot of commercials for “The Day After Tomorrow” movie. Opens Memorial Day. Hey, my birthday is on Memorial Day this year. About every six years, my birthday falls on Memorial Day. So anyone interested in giving me a gift for that always special 29th birthday, feel free to send it by check or money order. Cash can get to be a hassle in the mail.
-Back from commercial, and here we are skipping the Deliberation Room for the third episode in a row. Oustanding. Let’s keep it like this for the next two season’s as well. Jesse: “I feel so lucky….hardest decision….family is important….can’t wait….so excited….” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on with the good stuff.
Tara: Apparently her tongue is his favorite.
Jessica B.: No longer saying the “B.” part since she’s the only Jessica left. This Palmer is one sharp cat, I tell ya’.
Trish: Wasn’t surprised after that alone time. Jesse’s is sloooooowly losing points with women across the world.
Mandy Jaye: Believe it or not, Host Chris did not step in before her rose to announce it was the final rose of the night. Well, there’s a first for everything in your life, isn’t there?
-However, Host Chris did step in afterwards and give the, “If you didn’t receive a rose, take a moment, say your goodbyes” then have them fade to that cheesy guitar solo. What if they want to take more than a moment? What if they want an hour with Jesse to rip into him? How long is a moment? Seems rather short to me for someone that just got dumped. If someone dumped you, would you only ask for a moment to ask why? Didn’t think so. Change the damn rules.
-Suzie said she was “saddened, sick, and disappointed” Jesse didn’t pick her. But when she really thought about it, it couldn’t have been that bad since it now gives her extra time to turn her skin more orange than it is. Good luck with that.
-Karen decides that even though she went down, she’s definitely gonna bring someone along with her. Karen to Jesse: “Don’t be tricked by one of the girls over there. You’ve got three girls here for the right reason, and one not. Don’t be tricked.” Ouch. Good one. I like this Karen chick now. Why couldn’t we see more of her earlier? We got him screwing up her name in the first episode, him never getting a one-on-one with her thanks to that man-stealing Jenny Spy, and their only interaction is them kissing. Sucks. Oh well. At least Trish will get to entertain us for at least another week.
-Then Tara decides to pile on when the four remaining girls are talking. Tara to Trish: “Don’t blame anything else on Jenny. You know you don’t deserve to be here.” Damn. Too bad these women aren’t spending anymore time together. These two would’ve come to blows soon.
-Four hometown dates next week. Tara in Norman, Oklahoma with her father who likes firing off his machine gun in the backyard. Jessica down in Huntington Beach, about an hour from where they’re filming. That should be just wild and crazy. Mandy Jaye in Texas where he gets to see the shrine in her house to all of her pageant appearances. Uh oh. She’s got those Jon Benet Ramsey-type parents. Watch out. And finally, we head to Atlanta, Georgia to see if Trish’s mom is as much of a hooker as her daughter. I’m counting down the seconds.
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