4.7.04
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4.7.04
Well, for those that may have thought this season wouldn’t be as interesting, or maybe you’re getting tired of the “Bachelor”, or maybe Jessie Palmer just didn’t make your juices flow, I am here to tell you that I’m more fired up for this season than I was for Player Firestone or Pimp Guiney’s seasons. Granted, this one involves a pro football player, which I’m a huge fan of, so that in and of itself immediately makes him more interesting. But even further, he’s a crappy pro football player. Good times. You’ll see what I mean as you read on. Let’s begin yet another gut-wrenching, heart pounding, nail biting, and apparently limo-puking season of the “Bachelor”……
-Host Chris starts immediately by telling us, “This time around, everything is different.” Uh, how so Chrissie? Because he’s an athlete? Maybe. Because he has a spy in the house? Could be. C’mon Chris. I haven’t seen any future episodes but I can tell you right now: If Gay Alex, Meathead Aaron, Firestone the Ho’, and Guiney the Manipulator couldn’t keep their choices, exactly how am I supposed to believe a good looking, 25 year old NFL player is going to want to settle down with some chick he met on television? Let’s just call it like it is. We’re looking at 0-for-5 once the season rolls around and groupies are swingin' from this guy’s jock.
-If you saw the first five minutes of last night’s episode, I can you’ll agree with me that there wasn’t a better five minutes that they’ve ever had in the history of this show. In upcoming scenes from what happens this season, we get all kinds of sh**. Where do I start?
…..some chick is so upset about getting sent home, she almost pukes in the limo, but makes it outside where she blows chunks over a cliff. Are you kidding me? I can honestly say that if the hottest chick on the planet dumped me (Larissa Meek), that wouldn’t bring me even close to verge of puking. Granted, I might cry like a 3 year old and curl up in a fetal position for a couple months and never leave my apartment. But puking? Don’t think so.
…..also, there is a spy in the house who’s one of Jesse’s closest friends. It’s her job to relay back to him all the dirt on the girls who want him for his money, which is down to only 15 of them now.
…..Jesse telling someone, “I’m falling in love with you……but I’m also falling in love with someone else.” Jesse, haven’t you learned from male slut Firestone and Guiney the Magician that you don’t actually reveal that to the ladies? You tell that to the camera when you’re one-on-one so no one can hear you. Boy this guy really isn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer. And we haven’t even gotten to the Rose Ceremony yet.
……some girl, after getting booted, comes back to torture Jesse. Wait a minute. They’re just going to allow her to come back and stalk him? How is that going to work? This one we’ll need a little time on since it makes no sense at all. If they saw her walking back into the mansion, wouldn’t somebody say like, “Uh, lady. You’ve been eliminated. No need to be hangin’ around these parts anymore.” I’m curious about this “stalker” angle.
…..one of the bachelorettes, Trish, is basically a prostitute. She admits to the other skanks she has slept with a married man, and according to her calculations, has shacked up with a total of 35 men in her life. And? The problem here is…..? The most shocking thing about that is just that she had it nailed down how many guys she’s boned. I thought only guys kept track of that sort of stuff? I have a feeling Trish will keep this show quite interesting as we roll along.
……and lastly, Jesse pulls the biggest boner in “Bachelor” history when he gives out a rose to the wrong girl. They honestly expected a crappy backup NFL quarterback who’s throw a TOTAL of three touchdown passes in his career to remember the names of fifteen girls he just met that night? Oh, and he’s never won an NFL game he’s started to boot. Four starts, four losses. Those four losses were by a combined 80 pts, or 20 points per game. Wow. He’s good. The next Joe Montana. Maybe the next Joe Mantegna is more like it. What I’m trying to say is, he sucks. So let’s not get caught up in, “Wow. An NFL quarterback is on the ‘Bachelor’.” He’s barely holding on right now. There. Some sports knowledge for you to impress your friends, or girlfriends, or mistresses with.
-And yes, they showed all of that before 9:05. We’re five minutes into the show, and I’ve written 1 * pages. Oh crap. This is going to be a long, f***in’ night. I’ll try and ease up, but I’ve got notes coming out my ears right now. You don’t want none of this, Jessie.
-Commercial. Whew. A break from the “Greatest Five Minutes in Television Ever.” Jennifer Garner is in “13 Going on 30”, which looks somewhat decent, but I could’ve sworn I saw this a decade ago when it was called “Big”. Stick to “Alias” Jennifer. I’ve never seen an episode, but everyone else seems to love it. Hey, are her and Vaughn really about to breakup? Heard a few rumblings about how they might be on the outs. Maybe she felt kinda bad she basically cheated on Noel in front of all of America and she wants him back now. Don’t do it, Noel. Felicity needs you.
-Back from commercial, they give us a little background on the hunk of meat the women will be drooling over this season. They show a clip of his first TD pass as a quarterback.. Sweet. Looked pretty good. Nice spiral, guy was open, he caught it in stride, Jesse isn’t half bad. Uhhhhh…..wrong. If you did research into Jesse, you’d know that he threw that touchdown in Week 15 this season at New Orleans in a game he started and the Giants lost 45-7. He was 15-26 that game for 140 yards. In other words, he sucked.
-His mom was a former model, and his dad played in the CFL for 7 years. Translation: He dad stunk too and that’s where he gets his football genes. For those that don’t know, the CFL is for basically all the rejects who can’t make the pros. And Doug Flutie. Mom is proud of Jessie because he graduated the University of Florida with a degree in political science and business. Didn’t Kirsten, the girl Firestone dumped in the finals, attend Florida as well? The requirements to be a Gator are that you have a pulse if you’re male and play football, or you can put your legs behind your head if you’re female. Plain and simple. Jesse better have a degree to fall back on after football considering his career is over in about 8 weeks when this show’s done.
-Jesse: “Everyday I put on a NY Giants football helmet and jersey is the happiest day of my life”. Enjoy it while it lasts Jesse. ESPN.com reported yesterday that the Giants were looking to trade up in the upcoming draft to get the #1 pick so they could get Eli Manning, the best college quarterback prospect. Which puts you at third string if not in the unemployment line. But I’m sure rolling around in the snow, fondling women in hot tubs, and forgetting chicks names an hour after you meet them will have all the head coaches in the league banging at the door for your services.
-Commercial. They just showed the new special at the Olive Garden. I swear, since that little mouse Amber told America how Olive Garden was the greatest Italian food ever made, I think they took a block of time every hour of every show to tell us about their Tour of Italy. Which is delicious by the way. Get it all the time. Never completely finish it, but always get it. With the salad, and the breadsticks, mmmmmmm. Some of the best damn food…….uh, where was I going with this? Beats me.
-Next they show us Jesse’s spy friend who will live with the ladies unbeknownst to them that she’s there to report back to him. I’ve read that they will reveal the spy next episode, but being the super sleuth that I am, I already figured it out. Some reality site had all the names and head shots of the 24 girls competing for Jesse, so I printed that out, and matched it up with the 25 girls who came out of the limo. The woman’s name who I didn’t circle was obviously the “spy”. Don’t let ABC fool you. They’ve doctored the woman’s voice so you can’t match it up with anyone’s, AND they’ve made it look like she’s a brunette. She’s not a brunette. Jenny S. is the “spy”. They didn’t really spend much time on her last night, but just don’t be fooled by the hair or voice. It’s Jenny S. Trust me on this one. Don’t think for a second I didn’t feel like Sherlock Holmes after every woman had exited the limo’s and I knew who the “spy” was. I may have told a person or ten.
-Back in New York, three teammates of Jesse’s, Tiki Barber, Amani Toomer, and Jim Finn somehow miraculously got a hold of the 25 photos of the women Jesse was going to meet. So they are going to do a little handicapping of their own before it all begins. Some thoughts they gave:
……Francine looked too innocent for Jesse. Even Tiki said, “Think of the girls Jesse’s dated.” Clue #1 as to why whoever he picks will never last. When his teammates are already commenting on who he’s dated in the past, you know Jesse has had his fair share of New York ass.
……they liked Celeste because she had some flavor. Apparently Jesse isn’t against dating women of a different ethnicity. Yeah. We’ll see about that. I’m guessing in an hour and a half, Jesse will have one minority left out of fifteen.
…….and they thought Jessica B. from Huntington Beach, Ca was beautiful. Of course she was. She’s from Huntington Beach. There aren’t many 22 year old blondes in Huntington Beach who guys don’t salivate for. Jessica is one of three Jessica’s on the show. That should make my job so much easier.
-The teammates also commented that they’re sure “everyone’s gonna make fun of him. I’m sure there’ll be a couple roses left in his locker.” I’m guessing that’ll be the tamest thing his teammates do to torture him. These are grown men playing the toughest professional sport out there. They’ve got a teammate who’s freakin’ handing out roses to chicks on television in the offseason while they’re pumping iron in the weight room. The last thing these guys will do is tease with a few roses. I’m thinking more along the lines of a bottle of Jergens and a copy of “Out” magazine in the locker. Jesse may as well just quit football period.
-Back at the hotel where all the women are getting ready, this one chick Debbie is shown putting her bra on. From the backside of course, but geez. After Janet’s nipple got all the network executives’ panties in a bunch, you’d think this sort of thing wouldn’t come close to being considered viewable. Guess not. Chalk one up for Debbie for being such a sport about it. Unless, of course, last night was first time she saw that footage and now a lawsuit is on the way.
-Ok, one MAJOR problem I have with Jesse being this season’s Bachelor: All the lame ass football analogies we'll have to hear. Oh boy. Heeeeeere we go. Jesse tells us he’s getting nervous about meeting the girls, but he feels it’s time. “Today’s gameday. The lights are on. It’s time to put the eyeblack on and go play.” God help us. Shut the hell up.
-It’s during this sequence we get our first shot of Trish. Trish is a model from Fort Lauderdale. She knows she’s hot and likes her long legs. She wants to make sure Jesse notices her legs, or as she so eloquently put it, “Possibly they’ll be wrapped around him. At some point.” Perfect. This is exactly what we need. What every show needs. A hooker. Married man? Been there, done that. Over 20 men in the sack? Pssshaw. She’s over 30 men. I’m guessing this chicks legs have been twisted around more than a pretzel. In fact, we have our first nickname. The Pretzel. And I’m sure it won’t be her last.
-Jesse arrives at the mansion to have meaningful conversation with our buddy Host Chris. You know Chris was recently married? You didn’t? I did. I was on ABC’s website trying to get profiles of these women and I came across Chris’ profile. The women’s aren’t up yet because they don’t want you to figure out the “spy” yet. Too late suckers. I’ve outsmarted everyone. Or at least that’s what I’m telling myself.
-He asks him why is he on the show to look for love when he’s an NFL quarterback in New York City and he’s a good looking guy. Jesse’s answer was some B.S. about looking for women who were genuine, he hasn’t found women interested in Jesse Palmer the person but more Jesse Palmer the football player. Uh huh. We hear ya’ Jesse. All NFL players are looking to settle down at 25 when they play in the biggest media market in the world. No doubt. We believe you.
-Host Chris asks what type of women he’s looking for. “Women who have their own life. Some tend to get too clingy.” Really? Women? Clingy? I’ve never heard such a thing. I thought they were all super independent, always let me go out and do whatever I want, and never want to talk five times a day about their friends sister’s dog who just went in for a checkup. Sorry. That was rude. Not all women are like that. Just some.
-Time to meet the meat. 25 women coming out of the limo’s is a lot to cover. I’ll hit on a few who made the biggest first impression on me. Then I’ll reveal who my first impression rose would’ve gone to even though it has absolutely no importance, relevance, or meaning whatsoever.
-Jessica B…first chick out. The skinny hot blonde from Huntington Beach. She’s goin’ places. Prediction: Final Four.
-Dolores…lives in L.A., but from NJ like Jesse. Huge NY Giant fan. Immediately eliminated herself the first night with the sucking up. Why not ask for him to autograph your boob while you’re at it?
-Debbie….ready to fall in love. So was the cameraman who was going stealth on you as you put your bra on. Bra’s are great. One hook. Two hooks. Three hooks. Front snapping. Back snapping. No snapping. Sporty ones. Lace ones. Diamond ones. Water ones. My head would spin if I was a girl. I’d buy one of each every time I went shopping. We’re drifting here…..
-Karen….a former contestant in the “Mrs. Rhode Island” beauty pageant. Big smile. Shows lots and lots of cleavage. Karen Cleavage. Remember her name. Jesse couldn’t.
-Jessica H….says she’s the most insecure girl she knows. Changes her name to Jesse D since there’s two other Jessica’s on the show AND because that’s the screen name she uses on the internet. Translation: It’s my code name for when I hang in the “Twenties Love” chat room on AOL.
-Julie….NFL cheerleader. Giant breasts. Doesn’t tell Jesse she’s a cheerleader cuz’ she’s saving that for later. Oooooohhhh, you tricky little slut, you. I’m sure that’ll draw him right to you. Tell him you’re a Giants fan as well.
-Commercial. As they head to commercial, our second football analogy of the night. “And later on, during the Rose ceremony, Jesse fumbles on the first play of the game!” Enough already. A rejection from Larissa wouldn’t make me puke, but another football analogy might.
-DeShaun….our first token black female. Her phrase seems to be “Sha la la la la la la la” meaning, “That white boy damn fine!” Thank you, DeShaun.
-Jenny S….very plain looking. Easily the least attractive of the twenty-five. Also the “spy”. Go figure.
-Mandy….soccer player from San Diego. Cute girl, great body, but negative points because she plays soccer in the WUSA. That league is still around?
-Kristy….only girl in the competition with short hair. That immediately works against her because nobody with short hair has ever really lasted long in these shows. Why is that? Do I sense a discrimination lawsuit coming on?
-Katie…thick North Carolina accent. Another cute girl. Remember her name. Jesse couldn’t.
-Mandy Jaye….likes men in uniforms and is our second Mandy in the competition. Well, he won’t be in one long, so if you’re lucky enough to get a one-on-one, ask him to wear it out for you.
-Trish….the Pretzel. Bangs married men. Has sex a lot. With a lot of different men. And keeps a running total. I almost want to fast forward to when Jesse finds out there’s a whore on the show. He’ll probably end the competition and propose to her right then and there.
-New twist this season: Jesse gets a “First Impression” rose which he gives out to the one who made the best first impression on him. They will be granted immunity and cannot be voted off the island tonight. Woops. Whoever he chooses is safe for the night and is in the Top 15. He will give this rose out after mingling amongst everyone else.
-Some chick uttered this one, “It’s so exciting to meet an NFL star.” First off, it was Francine who said that which obviously made Jesse’s decision a whole lot easier to not give her a rose at the end of the night. And secondly, gets your facts straight ma’am. It’s not “NFL star” it’s “Backup, soon-to-be 3rd string, NFL bust who’s thrown three touchdowns and four interceptions his whole three year career.” That’s more like it.
-Jesse’s asks one of these ditzes what they like about football so much. She responds with, “Just being in charge. Leading your team out on the field…..” I think it was the chick who said she was the huge Giant fan, Dolores. It was at this point the producers got involved in the show and surgically removed her lips from Jesse’s ass.
-Karen, the former “Mrs. Rhode Island” Pageant contestant says that she can understand what Jesse goes through when people stereotype him because he’s an athlete. She gets stereotyped as well when people find out she’s been in pageants because “they think I’m dumber than a bag of rocks”. And this assumption is wrong? I agree. Those tough, tough questions about global warming that you people so eloquently answer is really impressive.
-Jessica B. the hot blonde from HB presents him with a Gator stuffed animal since he went to the University of Florida and they were the Gators. A lot of thinking went into this gift. Not that she needed a gift for him to remember her. She was the skinny blonde with the great body and completely different colored roots. Final Four easy for Jessica B.
-Anne Catherine is the next girl he connects with since they’re both from Canada. Jesse’s bilingual and speaks to her in French. I have no idea what he said, nor do I care, all I know is the last thing out of his mouth were “We’ll speak more French later.” I mean c’mon. Do I even need to comment on this? Some jokes just write themselves.
-Well, after speaking to her for a whole two seconds, Jesse gives the “first impression” rose to Trish the Pretzel. Amazing. Obviously this rose is based completely on looks, and yet he’s able to find the one that’s a model and give her the rose. Crazy how it works like that. Just wait til he hears how she was deflowered at the age of twelve. Probably will make him regret giving that skank the rose.
-Trish is already broadening her horizons. Trish: “Hey, if it doesn’t work out with Jesse, he’s got two younger brothers.” Two things are happening here. Number one, Trish is becoming the most hated person on the face of the earth and in this room. And secondly, the producers better already be lining her up for the “Bachelorette 3”. I mean, can you imagine how many more guys you’ll get to tune in to the next installment of the show when this chick is screwing every guy she goes on a date with? I mean, their exotic dates will be like to brothels, strip clubs, and to the doctor for HIV testing. She HAS to be the next “Bachelorette”. HAS to be.
-Mandy the Soccer girl tried to fool everyone in the room by banging on her wine glass, signaling time was up. Amazingly enough, all the blondes in the room believed her. I’m sorry. No need to jump on the blondes. That’s a short sighted judgmental thing for me to say, and I deeply apologize. Three blondes walk into a bar. Sorry. I’ll stop.
-Jesse sits down with the ladies and asks if anyone has any questions to ask him. Of course, we get the “What-are-you-looking-for-out-of-this-experience?” B.S. Can’t we ever get good questions on this show? How about, “Do you feel personally responsible for the Giants losing their last eight games this season and having your head coach lose his job?” Or maybe, “Is 2010 the year you’re looking to take your next snap in the NFL?”
-Time for the Deliberation Room where Jesse talks about the decision to give Trish the “first impression” rose. “Well, she was hot. Someone told me she’d put out, so I figured I’d try and get some.” Ok, maybe he didn’t say that, but he should’ve. It would’ve been the truth. This literally might be the first “Bachelor/ette” season where someone gets pregnant. I mean, Trish has already talked about her legs twice in an hour and a half. Obviously she has a hard time keeping them closed, so if Jesse’s fish can swim, we could be looking at a possible “Little Palmer”.
-Oh boy. Jesse just officially became a true member of the “Alex, Aaron, Trista, Firestone, Guiney, Meredith” clan with the famous line they’ve all uttered on the first night in the Deliberation Room. “My biggest fear is that I could potentially be sending someone home that could be the next Mrs. Palmer.” Aw, christ. Just gimmie another football analogy along with some cyanide. You know after four seconds which chicks you want to keep around. Chris Rock said it best when he said, “Women know the minute they first meet you whether or not they wanna ____ you.” Same for the guys.
-Commercial. Nick & Jessica now have their own “Variety Hour”. I’d watch this. I think I might be able to tolerate it. My question is, when are Jessica Simpson’s breasts getting their own channel? Or Variety show? Good god almighty. No wonder they had broken up for a year before getting back together. You mean to tell me she pranced around in that body saying, “Nope. Not until we’re married.” There would’ve been a rock on her finger after two dates with her. Nick HAD to leave. The pain of going home every night with nuts the size of grapefruits had to be the most excruciating pain man has ever had to deal with in history. Nick Lachey might be my new hero.
-2nd commercial. We have a Carol Walsh sighting. Mrs. Walsh, Brandon and Brenda Walsh’s mother from “B.H. 90210” is now doing TJ Maxx commercials. Having lived out here in California my whole life, I don’t know if everyone is familiar with what TJ Maxx is. Well, it’s a horses*** clothing store for women. Consider yourself not hip if you have purchased anything from TJ Maxx in the last 10 years. Do you go to Target to get your lingerie too? What Mrs. Walsh is doing in a TJ Maxx commercial is beyond me, but dammit, it was still good to see her again. How are her and the Mister doing? Didn’t they get divorced towards the end of the show? I think she left him for David Silver. Or Munce. Or Noah Hunter.
-Rose ceremony time…..
-Kristy….apparently he’s going to ask all of them, “Will you please accept this rose?” Please? He’s now begging for them to accept? This is not good.
-Anne Catherine….because he likes showing off his lame French accent, he pronounces “Catherine” like some guy who should be wearing a beret. Yucko.
-Mandy….considering there’s two Mandy’s meathead, you might want to be a little more specific next time.
-Celeste…Tiki Barber must’ve helped him with this pick. Ok, so we have one sister moving on. I’m guessing she’ll also be the last.
-Jesse D….wow, what a wreck. She could be the next Liz.
-Mandy Jaye….ah, I see. Just like I suspected. He likes women with the name “Mandy”.
-Jenny S…..the “spy” who hasn’t been showing speaking with anybody yet.
-Amber….Calista Flockhart looking girl. Not facially, but someone might want to throw this chick a steak.
-Tara….from Norman, Oklahoma. Nothing good usually ever comes out of Norman, Oklahoma except for their football team. And Tara. Potential top 5’er.
-Jean Marie….thick, thick accent. Had a dress the color of a skunk.
-Jessica B….why he waited so long to give this hottie a rose, who knows?
-Julie….the NFL cheerleader. Very excited. Overly excited. Has that fake cheerleader grin going.
-Suzie….We know absolutely nothing about her other than her occupation is prosthetic technician. Kinda looks like she might have gone to the prosthetic grill for herself too. Just an observation.
-“Ladies, this is the final rose of the night.” That’s what you think, Chris. Hey, they were right for once. This may be the most dramatic Rose Ceremony yet. I thought it was cuz’ Jesse’s a doofus.
-Katie….you knew the way she reacted, and how happy she was, then looking at his face that this was not the chick he wanted. He brings Chris outside, says he meant to say “Karen”, the former Ms. Rhode Island Beauty Pageant woman, but said “Katie”. Someone please throw the towel in for Jesse. First Rose Ceremony, and he can’t get the ladies names right.
-They decide he will tell Katie the truth that he screwed up but also give her the option of staying. Jesse comes back in, tells Katie, she practically has a nervous breakdown since the minute he left the room, she’s been smelling her rose. She chooses the option to say which brings us to my favorite part of the night. Host Chris excusing himself to pluck an extra rose from the garden outside. That was funny. Like that was supposed to be dramatic. Even more dramatic was Jesse taking the same 10 seconds to make his choice of Karen. Like someboy named “Dolores” actually thought he confused Katie’s name with her name. Too funny.
-One thing I’ve noticed about Karen Cleavage. For someone who likes to show the four inch gap between her breasts, she sure likes to tug on the opening of her dress a lot. I notice meaningless stupid things like this. I guess that’s why it’s 2:15 and I’m still writing. Well, not much longer.
-Upcoming episodes show our chick puking again, the catfights begin and they all involve Trish amazingly enough, and a couple nice hot tub scenes which we were deprived of when Meredith decided to never show us any skin. Except when she was on the beach with her tankini and sarong. Damn. Never thought I’d remember that. I’m good. Pound for pound, girl for girl, body for body, these might be the best 15 remaining girls we’ve ever had. I will definitely handicap the field next week. Not like it matters since the chances of them staying together are about as good as him being in the NFL next year. But it sure will be interesting. Until next week…..
-As promised, last week I told you there would be updated pictures from a charity event I attended two weeks ago here in Manhattan Beach, Ca., along with some tidbits of gossip for you. Quite a few reality TV show contestants attended and I stalked…..err…..took pictures with as many as I could. Go to the top of the page, or return to the homepage, and just click the link that says “Pics”.
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