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5.5.04
Is there a reason the “Bachelor” is the only show on television where I’ll scream at the TV? Why do I do this? I won’t scream when the Lakers are getting their asses handed to them by the Spurs, cutting a 19 point deficit down to 2, only to start turning the ball over again. Not a peep out of my mouth. But the minute Jesse moves in for the kill after some cheesy line, I’m like, “Awwwwww….c’mon !!!!! You’re not falling for that one are you???!!!!” Unbelievable. I’ve been a Laker fan since the 3rd grade, yet rarely ever do they play with my emotions like the way Jesse and his women do. I need therapy. Let’s begin…
-The first date up, Jesse makes that long trek down the 405 freeway for about an hour and a half to go see Jessica in Huntington Beach. They meet at the beach where she’s playing with her dog, he brings her flowers given to him by some sponsor of the show, and apparently he stopped by PETCO on the way down as well, since lo and behold, he’s got a milkbone in his shirt. Or whatever it was. Fido had a good time with it, so I guess he scored points with Jessica.
-The picnic blanket is set up on the beach where they discuss their relationship. Fido is nowhere to be seen. After Jesse gave him his little chew toy, we never see him again. Or was it a girl? I don’t remember. The thing could’ve been washed away into the ocean, but as long as Jessica is with Jesse, apparently her dog doesn’t mean much to her anymore. I wouldn’t leave a stray dog around Huntington Beach though. Two thirds of my family lives in Huntington Beach, I grew up about 15 minutes from that beach, and have been there many times. That dog could be bonfire food if she’s not careful. Bonfires at Huntington Beach was a very high school-ish thing to do. You bring the s’mores, some blankets, and inevitably, some drunk would swipe a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Hill from the grocery store. Then when it was time to make out, everyone would just sort of split up for no apparent reason. Other than getting sand in places I didn’t need, the beach is always a great place to get freaky.
-Jesse starts in with the B.S. right away. Jesse: “I came here to find someone to fall in love with.” Well, what if the producers chose 25 women that just didn’t fit that mold? What would you possibly do then? Walk off the show, thank everyone for the opportunity but just say, “None of you are the right one for me. Sorry ladies. I’m choosing no one.” I’m sure Jesse will be just devastated if he can’t find someone to fall in love with. What could he do then? I guess he’ll just be stuck in New York City making over $300 grand a year playing football for the NY Giants. He’s got it pretty rough. I feel for the guy now.
-Repetitive “Bachelor” Line #5: This is next in line behind, “The most dramatic rose ceremony ever”, “I feel I definitely feel I have a connection with _____”, “If you should decide to forgo your separate rooms….(which we will see next week)”, and “Ladies, this is the final rose of the evening”. The always so powerful “I can definitely see myself falling in love with him”. Jessica’s in love. Jessica loves Jesse. Sorry. Can’t happen. I can’t have a Jesse picking a Jessica on this show. Really. I’m serious. That can’t happen. By virtue of her first name, Jessica B. cannot and will not win this engagement. I have spoken.
-Meeting Jessica’s family was up next. Interesting clan. Her two brothers had the punk rocker spiked hair do’s going which obviously made them probably huge fans of the one and only Jesse Palmer. I’m guessing when he left they asked each other, “Dude. Why couldn’t it have been Tony Hawk?” As for Mom, she immediately got started in with the questioning. First question was a doozy: “Do you get to choose what city you live in?” Jesse: “Ummm…well, not really Ms. Completely Ignorant. I live in the city of the team that I play for. Seems to work out better that way. I’d rather get to and from practice by car rather than plane.” Did she really ask that? Hey, maybe she’s not a sports fan and thinks every professional team plays in Huntington Beach, but that was out of left field. Get with the program moms.
-Then Mom started badgering the poor kid, and it wasn’t Jesse. Mom: “Are you changing law schools Jessica?” Geez. Leave your poor daughter alone. All she wants is a little lovin’ from a terrible backup NFL quarterback. If Jessica wants to change her life for this putz, let her do it. There’s nothing better than to watch someone go out of their way to change their lives for someone they’ve known for six weeks, only to realize after about two months together that he’s the biggest pig on the planet. But sssshhhhhh. Don’t tell her yet. Let’s let her figure it out on her own.
-Dad comes in with a question. But he wrote it down because, well, I have no idea. Maybe he wanted to see if this meathead could actually read. I mean let’s face it, he DID graduate from the University of Florida. The school that brought us such scholars as Kirsten Buschbacher, the finalist from “Bachelor 3”, and, um, you know, that one smart guy who’s made a lot of money or something. Well, whatever. You know Florida’s pumping out some IBM CEO’s like it’s nobody’s business. What’s the difference between a Gator and a Seminole? Nothing. They’re both idiots.
-The question “from all of us” was, “Will you respect our daughter, granddaughter, and sister? Please show us, don’t tell us.” Well, if you didn’t want an answer, why read the question? I actually thought he wanted Jesse to show them right there. What a bizarre question. Those punk kids probably thought of it in between popping a couple speed pills.
-Mom: “I think he’s pretty great.” Yeah, wait til you see the Giants first preseason game next season. You’ll for sure be impressed then. That rifle arm, those quick feet, and that uncanny ability to suck for a whole quarter without showing the remote chance of being any good. Go buy your “Palmer #15” jerseys while they’re hot.
-Mom has seen the light. “I don’t want Jesse giving Jessica a ring. I don’t think either of them are ready.” Boooooooooo. Why not? With all due respect Mrs. Whatever-your-last-name-is, if Jessica is the one for Jesse, please don’t be alarmed by the engagement ring. Really, it means nothing. Just ask Amanda. Or Helene. Or Jen. Or Estella. Hey, once they break up, you might even be able to get a couple grand off it by hocking it on Ebay. Helene did.
-Commercial. “Van Helsing” is opening soon. Might be this weekend. Might be next weekend. Whatever weekend it is, I won’t be seeing it. “Van Helsing” can Van flop for all I care. When has anything that had the word “Van” in it ever been a good thing? “Vans” shoes? Hmmm….maybe if I’m gay. Eddie Van Halen? Once he dumped Valerie Bertinelli, he lost all respect in my book. Van Halen? Not with Sammie Hagar my friends. I don’t care what songs VH put out with Sammie running the show, when I think Sammie Hagar, I think “I Can’t Drive 55”. One of the worst songs ever put out. Right behind “We Built this City” by Jefferson Starship (which was recently voted “Worst Song Ever”by Rolling Stone Magazine), “Sunglasses at Night” by Corey Hart, and…..dammit!!!!! Now that I mentioned Corey Hart, that freakin’ song isn’t leaving my head. “Don’t mess around with the guy in shades, oh no!!!!” Help.
-Mandy Jaye’s hometown date is up next, and she lives in some podunk town outside of Austin, Texas. Apparently this is the first time Mandy Jaye has ever brought a guy home. Pageant girl? Never brought a guy home? Yeah, I believe that. You’re telling me her family has never, ever, ever seen one of her boyfriends before? Do they just come in and out the back window? Mandy Jaye’s got some issues. Can’t imagine the parents of a Pageant girl would ever be overprotective of their daughter. No way!
-Mandy Jaye’s parents are recently divorced and she calls pops to see if he’ll make out there, but he says he can’t under the circumstances. This crushes Jesse. Jesse: “He’s not coming? Awwww…man. I was looking forward to meeting him….You o.k.? Good. Now here’s my tongue.” So compassionate and caring that Jesse is.
-Once Jesse gets to the house, we see MJ’s Pageant shrine. Oh boy. Obsess much? While at dinner, even Momma Ramsey makes sure Jesse has seen the shrine. Patsy: “Did she show you my little pageant shrine?” Uh, yeah she did Mom and it scares the living hell out of me. Mandy Jaye was a Miss Teen USA? You know who else was a Miss Teen USA? Kelly Taylor. And she got on the cover of “Seventeen”. But then she got burned in that horrible fire at Steve’s frat party with the lesbian and was so self-conscious afterwards. Why did the burned lesbian want to have sex with Kelly? She knew her for like five minutes before the fire started and she became toasted. One of the more bizarre storylines “90210” ever came up with. “I know. We’ll have a lesbian get stuck in the bathroom with Kelly, a fire will burn her whole body, Kelly will somehow escape with a burn that looks like a rash on her neck, and the lesbian will refuse to see her because she’s in love with her.” I’m telling you, I could’ve written a few episodes.
-MJ’s stepdad corners Jesse in the garage and we get more Pageant talk. I’m even on Jesse’s side in this one. Shutup already. Geez. The look on Jesse’s face in the garage was priceless. “Uh huh….really?….get outta here…no way….” Pops couldn’t get enough of those pageants. I don’t understand them myself, but hey, I’m not a redneck.
-Mom: “Mandy would make a great NFL wife. Her pageant days have prepared her for it.” Ok. ENOUGH!!! We get it. She was a pageant girl. Not that much to be proud of. And how exactly is she built to be a great NFL wife? So she likes being alone six months out of the year, likes doing nothing and getting to split a half million dollar bank account, and has no problem with her husband boning chicks on the road? Guess those pageants taught her well. Good luck, MJ.
-Jesse: “I had so much fun tonight.” What? You hated that family. What are you talking about? All you did was bitch about their obsession with pageants. Don’t you remember that? It just happened. How’d you forget already? Jesse’s clueless. This guy has absolutely no idea what he wants.
-Commercial. Our local news in L.A. is at it again. This one topped the previous two. This was the headline, "Bubble baths as a murder weapon? A husband’s plot. More at 11.” So apparently this yahoo tried to seduce his wife by pretending to like her, set up a nice bubble bath for her, then tried to chuck the radio into the bathtub while she was in it. Can we get a normal news headline? Something we’re used to? Like a car chase on the freeway, or Michael Jackson’s underwear being examined? Things aren’t looking to good for Mike. Anyway, are there really people that sick out there? What causes someone to get that idea? Just curious. Of all the ways to off your wife, I’m guessing that isn’t high on many people’s list. I didn’t hear what city this happened in, but I’m guessing it was somewhere in Pomona. Or Riverside. Just a guess.
-Next up is Oklahoma city to meet Tara’s dad, Billy Bob Redneck. How did an absolute kook job like him be related to sweet little Tara? I don’t know who was more frightened on this date, me or Jesse? Before we get to that, I read an interview that Tara did with the Oklahoma Daily. Since she’s a grad of Oklahoma, it’s a big deal to those ‘billies one of theirs is on that there TV thing. Did you know Tara Huckeby owns her own construction company called “Rhino Construction”? Neither did I until yesterday. Huckeby. Yes, you heard me correctly. She’s from Oklahoma and her last name is Huckeby. I know. Hard to believe. Anyway, the questions were basic, and she didn't give up much except for this exchange…..
The Daily: “At the last rose ceremony, you told Trish, ‘You don’t deserve to be here.’ Were you surprised it made it on air?”
Huckeby: “Trish and I had had a few words before that. She said that Jenny was trying to set her up and the rest of the girls were just out to her. Then they started the rose ceremony, so after it was over, I informed her that it was not Jenny’s fault. She didn’t deserve to be there. She manipulated her way in. She was one way to us and another way to him.”
-Ok, maybe that wasn’t so important, but I just wanted to tell you that I actually read something from the Oklahoma Daily Online. Just wanted you to know I was doing my homework.
-Jesse’s very nervous about meeting Mr. Huckeby. Jesse: “I woke up at 5am this morning. I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about you.” Of course you can’t sleep. When you have a complete stranger in bed next to you, sometimes it gets uncomfortable. Remember? You want to get rid of that. You’re tired of it. You want to move on to something much more stable.
-Tara: “My dad is one of those guys who likes to look people up and get their records off the internet.” Well, I guess that ends things between Tara and I. If someone out there was willing to search long enough and hard enough, well, they may just come up with a little somethin’ somethin’. But I ain’t one to gossip, so you ain’t heard that from me…..
-The Rifleman steps out of the car with his gun in hand. I’m sure Jesse just soiled himself. Shouldn’t a disclaimer have run across the screen at this point: “ABC does not condone the firing of machine guns at empty cans out in the middle of nowhere.” I mean, I’ve met some weird parents in my lifetime, but no matter what kind of pig…err….guy they thought I was, none of them ever pulled out an Uzi in my first meeting with them. What’s this guy doing? Pops, put down the guns. This is a dating show not the Outdoor Channel.
-Quote of the Night comes from Tara after Jesse had to grab a hold of his gun: “First shot, Jesse nailed it. Impressive.” The sexual undertones just came screaming out of the television on that one. However, if by chance she wasn’t talking about their first sexual experience together, you mean to tell me Jesse, who admittedly hates guns, hit a can at least 30 yards away on his first shot? Sure. I’m guessing we were about 50 takes in when that finally happened.
-Charles Bronson: “All guys are dirtbags.” Run Jesse. He’s on to you. He’s known you for 10 minutes and he’s completely got you pegged. You’re dead – literally. This guy will hunt you down, kill you for game, then will have no problem propping your big, giant head up on his mantle with the rest of the animals. Be afraid, Jesse. Be very afraid.
-Final date is in Atlanta where Jesse gets to see the lovely parents who spawned that walking ho’ bag known as Trish. Reason #457 why we know Trish is a slut. She’s wearing her Pink Ladies jacket when she meets him at the hotel. Who put that on her? Do I need to recite the Pink Ladies pledge right now? I’ll spare you. And yes, of course I know what it is.
-Before these two meet her family, Jesse has more things to discuss with her. Jesse: “When I gave you that rose at the last ceremony, I had five ladies look at me with bewilderment. And I was not expecting anything like that.” Trish: “See, that’s why I’m not friends with girls.” Sorry, honey. You used that line last week. Quit repeating yourself. I love how the blame keeps coming back to everyone else but herself. Don’t point fingers Trish, because for everyone you point, you have three pointing back at you. That’s one of the dumbest things I ever learned as a kid. I’ll point at whoever I damn well please. And technically, my three fingers aren’t pointing directly back at me, they’re more pointing down at an angle aiming at my hip. But grown ups felt the need to teach us little lessons like that so we wouldn’t point anymore. Didn’t stop me.
-Jesse: “I do not want to be played.” That’s right Jesse. You tell her. Translation: If anyone’s gonna be doing the playing in this relationship, it’ll be me. I will have not of it if you start fooling around on me while I’m gone six months out of the year, on the road in hotel rooms bored out of my mind with nothing to do other than watch porn, play video games, or order hookers up to the room.
-Trish starts to well up and needs to excuse herself. Trish: “I need a moment.” Not quite the moment that our friend Ryan from “Bachelorette 2” needed, but still close enough. “I need a moooment, dude. I need a mooooment.” No, you needed a valium. You know, Karen never got a one-on-one date with Jesse. All hers were in groups, and you didn’t see her bitching and throwing sh** like you did, did ya? Well, at least you weren’t Metrosexual.
-Jesse: “My wife doesn’t have to be someone the rest of the world likes.” Gee, I’m guessing that made her feel so much better. Ladies, if a guy said that to you, would you even still talk to him? Trish had to have known at this point that her chances were about as good as the Lakers right now. I think what he meant to say was, “Look, everyone hates you, but I really need to find an excuse to keep you around for our overnight date so we can make a sex tape and sell it on the black market.”
-Trish: “I keep quite a bit of stuff from my parents.” Now there’s a complete shocker. You’ll keep it from them, yet, you have no problem telling a national television audience of 12 million people weekly that you’re a “golddigging, money-grubbing whore”, that you sleep with married men, AND that you use sex as a weapon? I definitely see the logic behind that. I’d be stunned if Trish’s mother was still alive after watching this show.
-Commercial. “New York Minute” with the Olsen twins opens Friday. Regardless of if guys out there even like these two dimwits, I can guarantee you ever since these two have been popping up lately in “People” and now with their first feature movie, there isn’t a single guy who hasn’t uttered this phrase: “Are they 18 yet?” It’s like the universal question that needs to be asked before we can admit to liking certain females. If we say, “Damn the Olsen twins look fine”, and they’re still 16, then you’re looked at as a pervert who’ll be in his fifties still trying to hit on women 30 years younger than you. But as long as they’re legal, it’s like it’s o.k. However, there’s an exception to the rule, and it just took effect this past weekend. I am allowed to say that Lindsay Lohan is a hottie and I think naughty things about her and you can’t hold it against me. I just created that exception. Deal with it. More tight shirts please, Lindsay. I might just have to classify her as “The one underage girl right now that if I were to get arrested, it might as well be…..”. Well, her and Hillary Duff. Ok, enough. Why not just cuff me right now and get this over with?
-Was this new? Bringing the final four back to the mansion to grovel at Jesse’s feet one last time? Did they do this before? Maybe they added this part because they dumped the Deliberation room for the fourth episode in a row. Yesssss!!!! And what the hell is he wearing? Nice brown jacket with the yellow shirt buddy. Who exactly are you trying to impress? God you look horrible.
-Mandy Jaye: “I’ve had 10 years of interview coaches, but I want you to believe what I say.” Ok, then stop having 10 years of interview coaches, and maybe he will. Pageant girl is beginning to make Jesse a little weirded out. She thinks that he thinks she’s not genuine because she knows how to bulls*** people. Hey, even I’ll cut MJ a break here. Just because she’s had interview coaches doesn’t mean she’s good at giving answers people want to hear. Look what types of questions they were coaching her on. Pageant questions. Please. How tough are those? “What would you do to end world hunger?” “What message do you have for our youth in America?”
-Jesse to Jessica: “Do you think you’re ready to take the next step?” Big question, Jess. Good one. I don’t know if she’s ready to take that huge leap into an embarrassing two month relationship where you’ll end up cheating on her. I guess time will tell. But I’m glad you asked. We were beginning to worry about Jessica. Didn’t know if she was quite ready for the humiliation and ridicule, but it sounds like she is.
-Trish: “I did come here for the right reasons.” And if the right reasons are to sleep with an NFL player, cheat on a boyfriend she probably has back home, conceive a child, and become a stalker, then I fully believe her reasoning. Why wouldn’t I? Has she given me reason not to?
-Commercial. “Harry Potter and the Sorceror’s Stone” is coming to ABC. Apparently I’m one of the 10 ten people who hasn’t read any of the books, or seen any of the movies. But all the geeks are counting the days until the “Sorceror’s Stone” comes to ABC because it’ll be their first glimpse at the third installment, “Harry Potter: The Guy Who Somehow Made America Think Wizards Are Now Cool.” Are the “Potter” dweebs or “Star Wars: Episode 3” social misfits the ones who should be most embarrassed by their own existence?
-Rose Ceremony time…..But first, Jesse has a few words. “I loved your families….even your crazy whacked out Pops Tara…I’m excited and surprised….how I’m feeling…a very difficult decision….” He’s not good with words last time I checked. Makes Andrew Firestone look like Shakespeare.
Jessica: Huntington Beach represents for another week. Will they go to Ruby’s next week?
Tara: Apparently’s Dad’s penchant for killing people didn’t scare ol’ Jess off.
Mandy Jaye: Ding dong, the bitch is dead. Bitch ol’ bitch, the wicked bitch….or so we thought….
-The remaining girls huddle for a little cheer of their own. Or pep talk. “Well, at least a good girl will win no matter what happens now.” Yeah, let’s toast to that. Until next week, when all of you get drilled by Jesse on your overnight dates. All of you. Yes, all of you. You wouldn’t have it any other way. You have a one in three chance of latching on to that bank account. You’re not gonna pull any punches come alone time. Here’s what I have to offer, here’s what the sex will be like when we’re married, take it or leave it. The war is on.
-Jesse to Trish: “You and I aren’t meant to spend the rest of our lives together.” Uh, that’s what you think. Trish in the limo on the way home: “This isn’t fair. At all. This sucks. I definitely feel we’d be compatible on an intimate level and that’s very important to me. I’m a good person. And a damn good catch. I want my boyfriend back. And whatever I want, I get.”
-So yes, I guess it’s no surprise who our stalker is next week. Apparently, they figured since the minute Trish left the show, and since we barely know either of the other three girls, what better way to spice things up but to let Trish come back and try to win Jesse over. So is she a stalker? Ahhh, no. I guarantee they brought this idea up to her after she got booted. This does not look good for Trish. Honestly, do you actually think he’ll dump one of the remaining three girls for a night with Trish? Please. Didn’t Knob already try this on “For Love or Money 2” and fall completely face first into the pavement? She’s going to plead her case, he’ll listen, then he’ll dump her and go screw the other three girls. But not before getting in a quickie with Trish. It’s overhyped, it’s stretching the truth by calling her a “stalker”, but it’s still damn good. Hey, had me screaming at the television. Until next week……
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