4.7.04
4.14.04
4.21.04
4.28.04
5.5.04
5.12.04
SEASON FINALE
5.19.04
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THE BACHELOR 5 LINKS
5.19.04 SEASON FINALE
I think the question I get asked the most about this show is, “Hey, how many of these chicks do you think this guy’s slept with?” Of course, this is the question I get most from guys. As for girls, I think it’s, “Hey, who do you think is going to win?” Hell if I know. I’m not the producer. I just scour the internet for as many clues as possible to narrow down my choices so I can make the wrong one like I did this season. When it was down to six girls, Jessica was my pick. Then I went soft and changed to Tara last week. Woops. By point being in all this getting back to the first question I posed is, it sure as hell looks like there was definitely some sex going on during the overnight dates. Tara and her “inappropriate behavior” comment sure says a lot. Would she really say that if Jesse just held hands with her? Didn’t think so. Damn. That was the best ending this show’s ever had. I could do the whole column on the last ½ hour of this episode. Problem is there’s an hour and a half of crap before that to cover. I’m gonna try and zip through it. Yeah right….
-I noticed when the show first started and they were recapping everything, they introduced Jesse as an “NFL Quarterback”, where in weeks past it was, “rich, successful NFL Quarterback”. Why the change? Anyone? Anyone? Class? Anyone? Bueller? There probably isn’t an answer to that question other than, “Well, we decided to cut that part out because he hasn’t been the least bit successful considering he’s never won a game as a starter, has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns, and by tomorrow morning, will probably be cut by the Giants”. Rich? Yeah, I guess. Just means he’ll be able to spend a lot of money on whatever stripper ends up marrying.
-Jessica’s first up for the hometown dates and she gets to visit Jesse in lovely Indianapolis, Indiana. She also brought along the blanket from the edge of her bed and decided to throw it around her neck as some sort of fashion statement. That’s the second one of those she’s worn. I don’t get it.
-Jessica immediately tells Jesse what’s bothering her and that was his comment about being in love with her, but also with someone else. Cassanova in action. Jessica: “Hearing that was really hurtful….” Jesse: “I was just being honest.” Dopey still doesn’t get it. Apologize you boob, and move on. This guy is clueless.
-Jesse tells us that Jenny Spy and her 2nd love Nick will attending this date to help out with his decision. Jesse’s happy Nick will be there. Jesse: “I’ve had relationships in the past where I’ve been blind but Nick picked up on things. That definitely helped me.” Hmmm….I wonder if Nick was the one who told Jesse to dump Jenny Spy so he could move in on her. Whatever the case, Nick and Jesse sit down for a drink to gossip about Jessica. And yes, that was a Jack and Coke that Jesse was downing at a record pace. This man loves his alcohol. A subtle theme I picked up all throughout the night.
-These two nipplebrains talking to each other sent me back to the caveman years. Jesse: “Dude…dude…look, I need your help.” Nick: “Dude, what if I make the wrong decision? You’ll blame everything on me.” Jesse: “Dude….dude…don’t worry about that bro’.” I was definitely embarrassed to be a part of the male race listening to these bumbling idiots discussing women in general. I thought the “Man Show” was on Comedy Central?
-Nick’s big hang up with Jessica is her only being 21 and how will she react when something goes wrong in her life. Yeah, and that sly old fox Tara, at a whopping 23 years old who’s lived in freakin’ Norman, Oklahoma her whole life has sure had her fair share of life altering experiences. Why the hell did they focus on Jessica’s age so much when she was only a year younger than Tara? (I say a year younger because by the time this aired, she had turned 22. See, I listened to her when she said her birthday was in a month. Guess I forgot to get her something. And speaking of birthdays, you all only have 11 more shopping days til’ I turn the big 2-9. Just thought I’d remind you).
-Jenny Spy gives Jessica some last parting advice since Jesse has told them that the one thing he’s not getting from either girl is them expressing themselves enough. Jenny Spy: “If you want him, tell him.” What was edited out was, “I did. And we were lovers until he dumped me and I decided to get back at him by marrying his best friend. But we still fool around once in a while.”
-Onto the family, and Jesse gets to talk to his parents before Jessica arrives. Jesse asks his family what they think of the whole experience. Jesse’s Mom, Susan: “Well, we watched the “Bachelorette” and really did see Meredith and Ian fall in love.” Damn, Moms. Getting a plug in for those two who have seemingly fallen off the face of the earth. Seriously, of all the couples who have ever ended up together, has there been less attention paid to them than those two? My Gosh, other than reading once that Ian moved to L.A. and they’re living together, they are so 6 months ago. I mean, like, totally.
-Jesse: “When she comes in, do what you have to do to get to know her. You don’t have to drill her.” We know. That’s your job Jesse. How else are they gonna get to know their potential daughter-in-law? Now granted, I don’t think mom will corner her and beat her over the head with the Bible like Lanny’s mom did, but I’m sure she’s got some questions to ask. You just settle down there, horndog.
-Jessica finally shows up, this time in a different throw rug around her neck. Hey, I guess she’s got her own look but it doesn’t work for me. Change it up a bit princess. Anyway, Jesse’s dad starts in with what it’s like being married to an athlete. Bill Palmer with the porn mustache: “It’s important to understand about pro sports. Your career could be three years, it might be five years, or it might be ten years…..” Stop right there, Pops. Let me complete that sentence for you. “Or in Jesse’s case, it could be over as we speak and he’s gotta find something to do before he moves back in with us.”
-Jessica (trying to sound like she cares about Jesse’s career): “I respect that he’s playing football, but I didn’t meet him under those circumstances. I don’t know Jesse Palmer, the ‘football player’”. Good. You should keep it that way. You don’t want to know the football player. He sucks. Probably will suck as a boyfriend/husband too but I don’t want to rain on your parade just yet.
-Mom takes Jessica in the kitchen and asks, “Are you getting drilled by Mr. Palmer?” Jessica: “Which one?” I’m kidding. She didn’t reveal the dad wanted her. Hell, the dad thinks she’s an immature little teenager who has no business marrying his horsesh** quarterback son.
-Back in the living room with the boys, Jesse tries to have a little man-to-man with dad and his two brothers. Jesse: “So, what do you think of her.” Both brothers: “I don’t know….she’s cool….whatever.” Nice family support. Just what a clueless man wants to hear. Those around him are just as spaced out about the whole thing as he is. Considering they’ve gotten a whopping thirty minutes with her, can they really get much of an impression other than how tight her body is? Is it possible to run a personality check in thirty minutes? Didn’t think so.
-Dad is worried about Jesse’s upcoming decision. Bill Palmer with the porn mustache: “I think Jesse might propose because that’s what the ‘Bachelor’ does?” Really? Alex didn’t propose. Aaron proposed, but he didn’t really mean it. Firestone proposed, yet his wandering eye was still, well, wandering. And Guiney wouldn’t have proposed if you put a gun to his head. He didn’t even like anyone on the show other than himself. So, the “Bachelor” doesn’t propose Mr. Porn. The “Bachelor” chooses who he wants to take pictures with for “People” and “US Weekly” for the next six months or so, then he’ll move on to bigger and better things.
-As Jesse walks her out to the car, Jessica remembers Jenny Spy’s sound advice and blurts out, “Oh yeah, by the way, just to let you know how I feel so you know how I feel since you seem skeptical….uhhhhhh….I’m real serious about you and I’m falling in love with you. K? Bye.” So sincere. It was really touching when she told him that because you could tell it was from the heart and wasn’t forced at all. Whatsoever. She just laid it all out there for him. Congrats.
-Commercial. Now here’s something I needed to see to brighten up my night. Our local news is at it again. “Anna Kournikova teams up with Victoria’s Secret. We’ll tell you why after the ‘Bachelor’.” Bob Dylan and Victoria’s Secret? No. Anna Kournikova and Victoria’s Secret? You bet your sweet little ass. I didn’t even stick around long enough after the show to hear what that story was about. Didn’t need to. I just immediately ran upstairs and finished in a swift minute and fifteen seconds. What? I had to wash my face. You see that ring Enrique gave her? Holy sh**. Gee Enrique, sure she’s the one? She’s only slept with half the NHL. Just because you popped her in one of your videos doesn’t mean she’s wife material. It’s your life, man.
-Tara’s date is up next and they get to meet Jenny Spy and Jesse’s sloppy seconds at the Indianapolis Zoo. Jesse: “This game’s not over yet. I still have another girl to bring home.” This game? Was that another bad football analogy for “there’s still another girl in this competition”, or did Jesse just admit this whole thing is a game to him? I think the latter.
-Tara immediately starts in on Jesse. “What reservations do you have about me?” Jesse: “Well, I still feel you don’t open up enough.” Tara: “Don’t you remember anything about our date in Quebec?” Jesse: “Yeah, but, you know….ummmm…..errrr…you know….I mean, I think you do, it’s just….I’m still a bit apprehensive….” This didn’t go well for Jesse. In fact, Jesse is once again clueless. Didn’t Tara tell him exactly how she felt about him on their exotic date? How much more ego stroking does this narcissistic pig need? Damn Jesse. Go ahead, keep fishing for those compliments. You’ll get a bite eventually.
-Nick the Prick is back with nothing to offer Jesse once again. Jesse: “Who do you see me with?” Nick: “Dude….I’m too good a friend to be making decisions like that.” Jesse: “Dude….that’s bullsh**!!!” These two are getting nowhere fast. Why is Nick on this show? It’s embarrassing enough his best friend pawned his future wife off on him, but he’s giving us nothing here. Meanwhile, Tara’s now just Ms. Open Up About Everything. Tara: “I would give up anything for Jesse.” And I’m sure you did on that exotic date. They really, really, really need to give a behind-the-scenes uncut, DVD version of this show. Have to. Like, tomorrow.
-While Nick girlls Tara for a bit, this gives Jesse and Jenny Spy some alone time again. And boy does he ever take advantage of it again. Jenny Spy tells him she feels Tara is the perfect girl for him, but, Jessica would make him the happiest. She starts crying because she feels like she sold Tara down the river. Which she did. Then these two become like Angelie Jolie and her freak brother. Have you ever seen a male/female “friendship” with more kissing than Jesse and Jenny Spy? My God. If I were Nick, I’d just go in for the kill on Tara while your best man is over there humping your wife. C’mon Nick. Open your eyes.
-Commercial. “20/20” is having a special Friday on “Secret Siblings”. The brothers and sisters of famous people. Can’t wait to see this. What other show will I ever get to see Britney, Jessica, and Hilary’s sister all within an hour of each other. Probably will never happen again in our lifetime. A must see. I wonder if Jamie Lynn Spears is gonna grow up and turn into a chain smoking, homewrecker like her older sister. What is Britney doing? Willingly dating a guy with a daughter and another baby on the way with the same mom? Huh? She’s lost her mind. And how does she gain and lose weight so quick? “US Weekly” has her in a bathing suit two weeks ago and it looked like she just gave birth. Then “People” comes with an issue and now we can go back to bouncing a quarter off her ass. I don’t get it.
-Tara’s turn to meet the family and once again, Jesse’s boozing it up like a true alcoholic. Pops is too. Which is what I believe led him to start his flirting with Tara. He was looking her up and down like a piece of candy at that dinner table. Good lord. Like Jesse cared. He’d probably pass her off to dad if he could.
-So the questions continue at dinner and Jesse’s mom isn’t buying anything coming out of Tara’s mouth. Susan the former beauty queen: “I have a hard time believing anything she’s saying. I don’t think she’s into Jesse.” Tara then decides to reveal to the family that she was previously engaged. Was this the first we heard of this? And why is she revealing this now? Not quite the time I’d let loose with something like that, but hey, that’s just me. She didn’t go into detail, but she did mention that it ended rather badly because she found out he was seeing other people. Hey, would’ve been no different if you she were engaged to Jesse, so technically, that made her quite the candidate. Too bad Jesse didn’t oblige. That would’ve been 0-for-2 for Tara. I’m sure she really would’ve been receptive about opening up to guys after that.
-Back to mom’s take, and she’s still not buying into Tara. At all. “I don’t think Tara’s interested in a relationship. Not now. Nope. I don’t think she’s into boys in general right now…” Huh? So now she’s a dike? Low blow moms. Calm down there. No need to go that route. Maybe she’s still experimenting. Nothing wrong with being a switch hitter. If you’re a female of course. Unacceptable if you’re a guy. Let’s clarify something right away in case you didn’t know. There’s no such thing as a bisexual man. Bisexual women? Yes. God bless their souls. Bisexual man? No such. I don’t care if a man has slept with 2,000 women in his life, all of them supermodels, Playboy pinups, and porn stars. If a man has ever, and I mean ever, bent over for another man, just ONCE, he’s gay. Plain and simple. There’s no grey area here. If he ever was the pitcher or the catcher, or the giver, or receiver….gay.
-Apparently Tara got a glimpse of Jessica’s hometown date because she said the same thing to Jesse before getting in the car. “I just want you to know…I’m falling in love with you….” These chicks don’t say anything for six weeks, then right before loading into a car they decide to throw this at him. Jesse’s a simple man. He can’t take all this in so quickly without his head falling off. Slow down, ladies. Girls are usually leaving their number on the back of business cards and sneaking out on him before he wakes up. This is brand new territory for the Palmer. He’s suffering from sensory overload right now.
-Commercial. How come I haven’t decided yet if I think Kelly Ripa is hot? Sometimes she looks really good, and sometimes she looks tired to me. I don’t know what it is. I guess it’s that show. And the fact that when I see her, I think of that sweatshop owning, tone deaf singing, stand by her cheating husband b***h Kathie Lee. Regis could’ve replaced her with a wet mop and it would’ve been an upgrade. People who name their kids all starting with the same letter need to be beaten with a shovel.
-Next up is Jesse shopping for the rings with both of the women. I thought this would be a little more exciting than it was to be honest. Nothing happened other than they looked at rings that neither you or me or anyone watching this show could ever buy or receive from our loved one. This is where the show loses mainstream America. I think it’s more frustrating for people to sit there and watch these two ladies debate over which $10,000 ring they like the best. And oh yeah, the $10,000 ring that he doesn’t have to pay for. But then again, America didn’t seem to have much of problem watching a $3.8 million wedding completely comped by ABC for Trista and Ryan, so maybe I’m wrong. $35,000 on linens. Linens!!!! 95% of American’s whole wedding’s cost less than that, and they spent that just to cover the freakin’ tables and chairs. Sickening.
-Jesse: “I can’t believe Jessica and Tara both liked the same ring.” I can. Considering you didn’t have to fork over a nickel for it, does it actually surprise you that both chicks liked the ring with the most carats? C’mon Jesse. Women live for carats. Especially when they know you’re not hurting for money and it’s on the house. Hell, I can’t even blame them. In fact, if I were them, I would’ve told the sexually confused jeweler guy that neither of those six rings were suitable for my taste and I’d like to see ones that were much, much bigger. One thing I did notice that was the first subtle clue towards Jessica: He was holding her hand while she tried on rings, and he wasn’t with Tara.
-The final date with each girl starts with Tara coming over to Jesse’s pad and bringing over cheesecake. The significance of what she brought over wasn’t important. It’s just the fact she brought over cheesecake and they never showed us the mystery dessert that Jessica brought over. Why do we get to see Tara’s dessert and not Jessica’s? Maybe Jessica really spent a long, grueling day making rock hard cookies for Jesse. Tara brings cheesecake, and all the sudden Jesse’s in love. I think not. Enough already. Like either of these women had anything to do with making their own dessert. Please. Someone production assistant ran down to Cheesecake Factory to pick one up for Tara, and Jessica’s mother probably helped her out with hers. Am I arguing about the desserts? What’s happening to me?
-As Tara’s feeding Jesse her cake, she feels he’s being too quiet tonight. Tara: “You’re quiet tonight. You’ve never been this quiet. I’m worried.” Not knowing how to respond to something like that, Jesse resorts to his favorite tactic – putting his tongue in her mouth. And believe it or not, she called him out on it. “That’s supposed to make me not worry?” Jesse: “Uhhhhhh….yeah?” Quite the lady killer he is. Such a way with words.
-Jesse brings up Tara’s previous engagement. He really needs some definitive answers. This is really bothering him. Tara says she only knew him for two months, and it took her an hour before she said “yes”. Jesse: “I want to be engaged once and married once.” Tara: “If you were to ask me to marry you, I’d say yes.” That’s good enough for him. More tongue for her. And come to find out later, I guess tongue wrestling wasn’t the only thing going down on that bed.
-Jessica shows up for her final date with Jesse bringing her hidden surprise dessert which we never get to see. Guess hot tubbing was a tad more important to show us than a crappy dessert she didn’t even make. Good choice. Anyway, immediately when they get to the kitchen, Jesse’s pouring the alcohol again mixing up some fruity chick drink that’s blue in color. C’mon Jesse. We know you don’t like that stuff. Go with the vodka tonic or the Jake and Coke like we know you want to. I’m sure all the fellas’ on the team will love the fact you know how to make fu-fu drinks like that.
-Before hot tubbing it, Jesse and Jessica (oh boy, it already makes me nauseous to think that he actually ended up picking a “Jessica”. “Jesse” and “Jessica”. I think I’m going to go pull a Tara and hurl over my balcony) sit down for dinner. Jesse firmly takes his right foot and shoves it down his mouth just one more time for Jessica. Jesse: “I couldn’t believe you and Tara tried the same rings on.” Dude, are you kidding me? The same chick that’s already told you she didn’t feel too comfortable hearing you tell her you're in love with two women is now hearing that she tried on the same ring as the other girl? I’m sure she’s thrilled with that. How about you also tell her how long you and Tara did it the night before as well? Maybe you can ask her if she’s up for a threesome with Tara? That’ll go over well. Poor Jessica. In 24 hours, one of the biggest dopes in television history is gonna pick her.
-One last proverbial hot tub scene for no reason whatsoever other than…well….they haven’t had one this episode. Oustanding. Hey, I’m not complaining. Any last shot we can get of Jessica in a bikini I’m all for. But Jesse tries to ruin the mood by talking about his career again. Jesse: “How will you feel, being in New York City, surrounded by 75,000 people at a stadium, booing me while I’m playing?” Damn. Great question. Didn’t think he had the balls to tell her how sh***y he was. At least she’s been forewarned. I don’t even remember her answer I was laughing so hard.
-Jesse’s Pig Comment of the Night: “Jessica is an absolutely amazing woman, with an amazing mind. And on top of that….she’s hot.” I mean, it’s almost not even worth mentioning how many times this putz’ has said the word “amazing” this season. We’ve broken all sorts of records by now anyway, I’ve lost count. But if I had to guess, we’re somewhere in the “infinity” range. “….And she’s hot!” What more can be said other than that comment right there will take about 3 months off their relationship.
-Commercial. “The Ultimate Love Test” is the new dating reality show coming to ABC this summer. This was a damn good show the first time I saw it and it was called “Temptation Island”. But apparently each couple only gets one other person chosen for them to go out with to see if there’s a “connection”. Whatever. This show will suck. You either test these couples by parading out hookers and prostitutes like “Temptation Island” did, or you don’t do it at all. I’ll be watching though.
-It’s the morning of the big day…..finally. I’m only 6 ½ pages in on Microsoft Word right now and we haven’t gotten to the best part of the show. I love how Jesse conveniently had pictures with both women sitting on his bathroom sink. Yeah, he did that all on his own. Uh huh. I guess you also want us to believe he actually is in love with one of these women too, right? Very funny. I thought this was a drama?
-The 2nd subtle clue I noticed to him picking Jessica was the t-shirt she had on when she got up in the morning. It was one of those old school, long sleeve, baseball undershirts with the #3 on it. Well, well, well….guess who wears #3 for the Giants? And if she didn’t know Jesse was going to be the bachelor before he first arrived at the mansion, then he obviously gave that to her. Either that, or that was the first thing she could find on the floor in the dark when she had to get up scrambling looking for her clothes. That little horndog, Jesse. Can’t slip anything by me.
-It’s the morning of the final rose ceremony, and according to Jesse, “I don’t know who I’m gonna pick, or what I’m gonna do.” That’s good to know. Glad to see you’ve had six weeks to make out and sleep, and make out and sleep some more with as many women as you can, and you still don’t know who was a better lay. Make up your mind buddy. Kinda got a big night ahead of you.
-Tara’s having trouble putting on her dress while she’s crying. She doesn’t want to do it. This is a little foreshadowing to Tara’s antics for the remaining forty-five minutes of the show. Definitely the beginning stages of her losing her mind. Trust me. This is just the beginning.
-Jesse heads back to the jeweler to purchase the ring. Excuse me, to pick up the ring that’s already been bought and paid for by ABC. After he picks it up, he says he feels he’s “definitely leaning one way”. Three hours ago he had no clue, and now all the sudden he realizes, “Oh sh**! I forgot this six week audition tape I just made for myself is actually a contest to see which girl I like the most. Damn. Forgot I really had to pick one of these ladies. Now I know how Bob felt.”
-Tara’s got the dress on, yet, she’s still crying. And this ain’t the worst of it. When women start to get emotional, I’ve never understood the whole “fanning” thing. You know, right when they’re about to cry, they start fanning themselves like it’s 100 degrees outside. Why do they do this? Going back into the archives of ancient civilization, has any man ever been known to do this? I don’t know what I’d do if I saw my buddy start fanning himself. Weird.
-It’s now time for the ladies to load into the limo, and with Tara’s slit all the way up her thigh, we basically get to see right up her skirt when she sits down. Are wedding dresses supposed to be slit up to your waist? Is that standard now, or is just that how they do it in Norman, Oklahoma?
-Jesse has himself a little mini-deliberation room where he takes both “Pick me!” photos, brings them over to the table, and sets them next to the ring. Jesse: “It’s obvious, she’s the one.” Now it’s obvious? When you woke up you said you had no clue. Three hours later you were leaning towards one of the two. And now it’s obvious. Hell, it better be obvious or this relationship will never work. And God forbid that happens for a fifth time. I mean, what will the producers do besides re-signing for two more seasons?
-Tara’s in the limo and she can’t breathe. So she starts bending over putting her head between her legs. I’m not a paramedic, and I wasn’t too good in health class, but if you’re feeling light headed and having trouble breathing, isn’t bending over and putting your head between your legs the last thing they tell you to do? Guess not. She’s a circus right now.
-Jessica gets out of the limo first where Host Chris greets her. Wow. Host Chris. He’s really taken a back seat this season. No more hard hitting questions in the deliberation room. Only appears at the beginning to yell at the ladies to come downstairs and at the end to bang away on that wine glass and tell us the last rose is upon us. It’s the freakin’ season finale and now he’s relegated to being a 40-50 foot escort from the car to the walkway. His career is skyrocketing. Before Jessica walks up, the camera cuts away, and we see Tara giving her first heave ho’ outside the limo. Nice puking sounds they edited in there when she wasn’t even puking on the screen. I felt like I was watching a Bruce Lee movie from the 80’s.
-Jessica's up first. I wrote as much of Jesse’s speech as I could. Jesse to Tara: “I was skeptical and hopeful I’d find the one for me….you make me a better person….you’ve given me everything I’ve asked for and not asked for anything in return….This whole thing to me is like a dream….and tomorrow morning I’m gonna wake up from that dream into the real world….BUT (uh, oh. I think everyone held their breath at this point)….I don’t want to wake up tomorrow morning if I can’t wake up with you” (sniff, sniff). Was it just me or was it so ironic that in his final speech, he took one of the most talked about lines of the season (“I’m sick of waking up and looking at a different girl every morning”) and somehow turned it into a positive? I’m sure Jessica was thinking, “Great. Yeah. Can’t wait to be woman #452 he’s woken up with.”
-But wait. There’s more. Jesse’s not done. “I’m not ready to propose to you tonight…but if things keep going the way they are, I can definitely see myself making you the happiest person on the face of the earth…” (Quick pan back to our limo and Tara’s cookies are everywhere. She’s still a puking mess).
-This is where things got creepy. Instead of whipping out the ring, this guy whips out a 1st class one way plane ticket to New York and tells Jessica he wants her to fly out there. Why was that creepy? Well, only because that’s exactly what the National Enquirer reported in last week’s edition. I even notified a few of you about that. Last Tuesday, in the grocery store, I picked up the National Enquirer and on the front page it read, “Bachelor winner revealed inside!” So I opened it up and the story said that Jessica B. was the winner but Jesse didn’t present her with ring, but with a one way plane ticket to New York. Of course I dismissed it since this is the same magazine that says Liz Taylor’s having Michael Jackson’s baby every other week. So TV Guide lets the cat out of the bag a couple days early as to who the final two were, and National Enquirer not only gave us the winner, but told us how it was going to happen. Crazy.
-And here’s where this season became the best ending they’ve had. They just let Jessica stick around like a voyeur and watch Jesse dump Tara through a window in the mansion. How cool was that? It reminded me of a soap opera, where one of the bohunk’s is talking to his mistress while his scorned ex-wife watches from a distance. “Find out who Dr. Peter Burns chooses next week on ‘General Hospital’”. Woops. Getting my daytime and nighttime soaps mixed up. Although Jack Wagner was on both “General Hospital” and “Melrose Place”. Didn’t he go back to “General Hospital” too? Or did he go back and try and do a re-mix to “All I Need”?
-Tara’s turn to face the fire. And she can’t even bring herself to get out of the limo. She’s asking the driver, or cameraman, or whoever the hell she’s talking to, for a few seconds. She needs to catch her breath. So after about what I’m sure was 10 minutes, she greets Host Chris. He takes her out to the patio, where she needs another “Ryan-R.-Bachelorette-2” moment. Host Chris (after waiting patiently): “Are you ready?” Tara: “No. I’m sorry. I just need a few minutes.” Look honey, we already know you’re history. Can we hurry up with this please? Geez. Take your time why don’t you? I’ve got a column to write here.
-So Tara finally makes her way to Jesse, fresh breath and all after what seems like five hours, and she doesn’t let him speak first. Tara: “I have bad feelings….my best friend is gonna get hurt….you would make me happier than any person in the whole world….” Jesse: “Let me speak goddammit (Ok, maybe he didn’t say that, but that’s what he was thinking. Hell, he’s got Jessica upstairs probably half naked right now and this chick who doesn’t even want is babbling about sh** he doesn’t care about). You are so beautiful….you take my breath away….I never thought I’d ever meet anyone like you….” Tara: “But……” Jesse: “But I’ve fallen in love with someone else.” Well, at least she was smart enough to figure out Jesse was about to layer the boom. Good thing she was ready, cuz’ she sure had plenty to say.
-Tara: “I don’t appreciate the way you lead me on the way you did, and I think some of the things that were said and done on our last alone date were completely inappropriate.” Whoa. Jesse was stumbling all over himself at this point. “Uhhhh….well….sorry you feel that way….uhhh….errrr….you know I cared about you….uhhhhh…..errrrr….” Sweet. Finally one of these chicks called the guy out for being a pig. And if that sentence of “things that were said and done on our last alone date were completely inappropriate” wasn’t 100% proof that sex isn’t happening on these exotic dates, I don’t know what is. Thank you Tara for proving my point. Not that we didn’t already have an idea, you just drove it home for you. I appreciate your candor, your honesty, and your integrity. Now go home.
-Jesse and Jessica sittin’ in a tree….a terrible couples’ name. Maybe that’s what Tara was getting sick over. Next week these two return for “After the Final Rose: Tara Reveals to America Jesse Only Lasted Two Minutes in Bed”. I guarantee they’ll try and get it out of her what she meant by her comment. And I guarantee that she won’t go into detail. Which is why I won’t be writing about it. I have not decided if I’m going to write on any summer reality show yet. If I do, you’ll have to check the site periodically for updates. There’s a chance I will return this summer with “For Love or Money 3” which begins June 7th, but I’m not 100% sure yet. I’d really love to take 3 months off until the next “Bachelor” starts, but I might get the writing itch in between them. Thank you all again for reading this season, I think one of the better “Bachelor” seasons we’ve had. Check back weekly for “Reality Roundup” updates, and I will definitely see you again in the fall.
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