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THE BACHELOR 6 LINKS
10.27.04
Isn’t it hilarious how the hype machine can build up something on this show that turns out to be absolutely nothing? For the love of God, they made it seem like Jayne ran off the set last night and went cliff diving with no parachute. And considering every girl hated her anyway, why all the sudden did they care where she was? I’m sure in Jayne’s 60 page contract she signs before going on this show, it clearly states in there somewhere, “If at any time you feel neglected by all the other girls, become a complete outcast, and become the butt of everyone’s giggles and jokes, you can still save face and create unnecessary drama to the show by pretending to take long walks into the woods with the dangerous coyotes, when in reality, all you really do is walk 200 feet over into Byron’s bed where the cameras follow you every second of the way and your life is never in danger.” Please. How lame was that? Let’s begin….
-The show begins with our beloved Jayne talking about last night’s, or last week’s, fiasco where she lost it on Byron for leaving with Mary to try and get a little somethin’ somethin’. Jayne: “The girls weren’t happy with me.” No, they weren’t. In case you haven’t figured it out, they hate it when someone steals their man away from them for more than 10 seconds. Byron means the world to them. If this whole show were described as being a plane crash, which isn’t far fetched, he is their oxygen mask. When they’re thirsty, he is their water. When they’re cold, he is their warm, red blanket that sheds all over the floor (sorry, that’s just one I have). Yes, the girls hate you because of your overreaction when Byron left the pajama party. Either that, or they’ve seen you without make up and are bothered immensely.
-Jayne to Mary: “Were you mad at me?” Mary: “No.” Jayne: “I didn’t even realize it was you he went off with.” Funny how Jayne called Byron a liar at the end of the show when we’re not two minutes in, and she’s already lying to us. Of course she knew Byron left with Mary. That’s what pissed her off so much. Who does she think she’s fooling here? Does Jayne even know she’s on television? Does she realize all those people who followed her around for days on end weren’t just doing it for their health? They were actually there recording this, trying to create a warped sense of reality for all of us to laugh at. Jayne’s a weird cat. I think the car is moving, but there’s no one behind the wheel.
-Byron pulls Cheresse aside for some drinks under a big umbrella. Good to see Chreresse making an appearance again. She was in a dead heat with Cindy for the “Least Amount of Time Given to Someone Still Remaining on the Show” Award. Where’s she been since she had the first solo date? But Byron had enough glowing things to say about her in just one sentence. Byron: “Cheresse has wisdom, maturity, she’s solid, and would make a great life partner.” People who aren’t gay actually use the term “life partner”? Didn’t know that. Is there a reason he didn’t go the standard “Bachelor” route and just say, “I could see myself spending the rest of my life with her”, or “I can see myself on one knee proposing to her at the end of this”, or “She’s my soulmate”?
-Byron and Cheresse were talking about stuff I can’t even remember. Something to the effect of she just wanted to see the feelings were still there after their first date, and her subsequent disappearance into thin air for the last 3 weeks. So since Cheresse hasn’t felt the touch of another male to her body in who knows how long, she decides that instead of just climbing all on top of Byron, she’ll tease him with a little game. Cheresse: “Maybe you should kiss me, and I’ll tell you more.” Interesting game. Didn’t take Byron too long to pick up on that one. I think before the “I’ll tell you more” part came out of her mouth, Byron was already inside it. He’s quick like that.
-Cheresse: “You put me in a much better mood.” Translation: After not having seen you, talked to you, heard from you, or even knew if you were thinking of me, those 10 seconds of passion completely wiped out all the hatred I had built up for you since our first date. Thanks for easing my pain as a woman. You may now go back and start making out with all the other ladies so that hatred will begin to build up again and the whole process starts over. Or something like that.
-Byron’s first white rose date was with Cindy. For a girl we haven’t seen rarely at all in the first four weeks, hence the name Mystery Girl, he laid out seven adjectives in a row describing her to us. Byron: “Cindy’s fun, vivacious, quirky, she has a great mind, she’s intelligent, deep, and has a big soul.” Wow. Never would’ve guessed that. He could tell all that just by the way she’s stood there every week doing nothing other than looking like Darryl Hannah? Well, Darryl Hannah without the plastic face, fake lips and implants. Since Cindy got so much airtime this episode, she can no longer be Mystery Girl. She needs a new nickname. Let’s go with “The Swan”, for obvious reasons.
-So, when Byron and The Swan are sitting down having their private, intimate moment, Byron tells her that on the first day of the show, he remembers all the girls were trying to sell themselves to him except her. She was making sure that Byron was actually here for the right reasons because she didn’t want another Alex/Aaron/Firestone/Guiney/Palmer on her hands. And Byron thanked for this saying it has never left his memory that she said that. The Swan came back with a great, great response: “Cindy’s getting more invested.” She’s talking about herself in the 3rd person now? Since when? Oh God help us. There are few things that bother me more in my life than people who refer to themselves in the 3rd person. Not good, Swannie.
-The Swan says her first kiss with Byron was “magical….I’ve never felt a connection like this with anyone else.” Oh please. Someone stick an ice pick through my eye right now. That was a magical first kiss? Didn’t look that magical to me. Then again, the Swan is pretty quirky, according to Byron. Maybe she would think her first kiss on the lips with a fisherman was magical. She had to since she wouldn’t stop kissing him all the way home, and even after the limo pulled up in front of the mansion. There she is, with his legs wrapped around her, up against the door, lips locked together like she’d never see the guy again. Easy there. Calm down. We don’t know if the collagen has healed properly yet. Too much kissing too early and a bunch of goo might come bursting out of those things.
-The Swan was very pleased with her date and wasn’t hesitant to tell everyone the second she walked back in the door. The funny part was, basically everyone to this point had gotten alone time with Byron already, and had already sucked his face off at some point or another, yet here’s the Swan bragging about how wonderful her date was. The Swan: “Guys, I’m in. The Game is on.” Yeah, welcome to the party, sister. They’ve all been there, done that. Just because you got to first base on your first alone time, doesn’t mean that you deserve to win. And what’s Byron gonna think when he finds out you were on a Fox show right before coming on this one?
-Commercial. I know I mentioned this last week, but it’s worth bringing up again. That “Surviving Christmas” movie with Ben Affleck grossed a whopping $4.5 million in its first weekend. The giant free fall that’s becoming Ben Affleck’s career is quite humorous if you ask me. $4.5 million in a weekend? Aren’t those the numbers that like an Indie film that’s shown at those creepy theatres which only have one movie playing draws? I know this wasn’t any sort of special effects movie that cost millions to make, but $4.5 million is laughable. Apparently “Surviving Christmas” couldn’t even survive four weeks before Thanksgiving. What does Ben care? He’s made his money, he’s the California State Poker Champion, he’s parading his new girlfriend around Red Sox games, and his best friend’s movies are all blockbuster’s making 10 times what his are. Life is good for BenGar. Or Bennifer II. Or whatever the hell these two are going to be called. I say by midseason, Affleck is making a guest appearance on “Alias”. Oooooh, that’ll be good. Since her and Michael Vartan apparently already can’t stand each other now, imagine throwing her new boy toy into the mix? I’m sure the tension won’t be too high on that set.
-Mary gets the next white rose date and is given two boxes, one with red shoes and one with a red dress for their date. And a note signed, “Byron Paul”. Hey, I think this is the first Bachelor who’s middle name we got to know. Now that officially becomes the “Bachelor Piece of Information that No One Could Give a Rat’s Ass About”. Was it really necessary to reveal Byron Velvick’s middle name to us? Do we care that much about this fisherman who lives on the outskirts of Vegas in a boathouse? Why not just throw the guys social security number across the bottom of the screen while you’re at it? At least then we could run his credit and see how many credit cards he maxed out at Spearmint Rhino or Olympic Gardens.
-So Byron comes to pick Mary up in her red dress, and he’s looking dapper himself. The guy looks like a chauffeur. All he was missing was the pilot hat. And I’ve noticed this season, Byron has to do a lot of the driving himself on these dates. Of course, this time, he has a new car as well. This is like the fourth different car we’ve seen him take a date in. And after our last experience with the car/boat, I was half expecting this one to grow wings and they’d fly to the Bahamas or something. Either that, or their car would just start taking off into the air like Danny and Sandy’s car did at the end of “Grease”. What a way to spoil a great movie. Everything’s going along fine, they’re all singing on the last day of school, Rizzo and Kinecki are mounting each other again, then these two jackals all the sudden are in a car that flies away and leaves everyone behind. Was that necessary? Am I the only one bothered by this?
-Mary loves the fact Byron was previously married. Mary: “When you got married, did you believe that this was the one?” Byron: “Yes, I did. But it failed.” Sucks he didn’t elaborate on that. I would’ve loved to have heard his explanation on his stripper ex that would rather lead a life of straddling poles and milking 50 year old Asian men out of their paychecks, then hanging out on a boat waiting for Byron to bring home dinner. “Fish again, honey? Great.”
-Mary and Byron are like two peas in a pod. Byron: “I’m a hopeless romantic.” Mary: “I’m a hopeless romantic too.” Wow. What a coincidence! Now how did that happen? How did these two lost souls not only end up on the same show together, but now they both share the same quality? Miraculous how the producers scoured all of North America and have found two hopeless romantics and pitted them together on a date to a hotel room in San Diego. The connections made on this show never cease to amaze me. They also never cease to make me want to taste my own vomit.
-The hopeless romantics date from heaven continues. By God, there’s a hot tub at their hotel and they’re gonna jump in it and make whoopee. Why did Byron give Mary a pair of $500 shoes and a dress for their date when all they did was go to a hotel then jump in the hot tub? I’d like a clarification on that please. Thank you. Byron: “Tonight, Mary and I shared something very special.” Oh I bet you did. Bow-chicka-bow-bow. There definitely was a lot of whoopee going on in that tub, I can guarantee that. Hey, I wonder if Mary will be showing at the Reunion show? You figure this was filmed three or four months ago, the reunion show is set to tape on November 6th, hmmmm….there’s a good chance. Do you think she’ll know the sex of the baby by then? Where can I send a gift?
-The next rose date went to psycho Jayne. This was officially the beginning of the end for her. The minute she said on her date, “It’s not you, it’s me”, I think you could almost see the smoke signals in the background telling Byron to dump her ass immediately. Their whole date basically went back and forth on her insecurity. It was very pleasant to watch. Not painful at all listening to her. This is a woman who’s completely lost it, and Byron has to sit there and take it. Byron: “Are you a huggy kissy girlfriend?” Psycho Beast: “I have to work on that.” Well, that’s just good enough for Byron, so he prys more. Byron: “So should I be more aggressive?” Before “yes” could even come out of her mouth, here came Mr. Tongue. I think Byron knows at this point Jayne’s future on this show is bleak, but what the hell? Let’s give her false hope by continuing to make out with her.
-Jayne’s return home from the date is where the sh** hit the fan. She came home and basically sat under the covers like a lump on a log, whereas the Swan gushed over her date about how she made it through a whole day with Byron and her breasts didn’t start leaking, nor did her lips fall off her face. On and on she went. And Jayne took the more subtle approach by pretending Byron shot her dog on their date. Hey, to each their own. Everyone has a different way to celebrate their own dates. I have no problem with that. But the Swan should know not to celebrate her date with Psycho Insecure Girl running around the house. Jayne: “It is unhealthy for me to be in this house.” Jayne stormed off out of the mansion and was nowhere to be found. This is where it got amusing.
-Commercial. Here’s the Elmo commercial again. Reminded me of something I saw. When doing research on Byron’s ex’s, I came across this particular website. I don’t know remember what the name of it was, but basically it was a site that one of his ex’s was on where she was doing some provocative modeling. Ok, she was naked. But that’s not the point. Not only was Byron’s ex naked in this particular photo I glimpsed at, but she was, shall we say, enjoying herself immensely in this picture. Now, you might be asking yourself, “Steve (or “Realitysteve”, whichever you’d like to call me), what does any of this have to do with Elmo?” Well, I’m getting to that. Anyway, not only was she enjoying herself immensely in this photo, but the reason she was enjoying herself so much was because she had some help. And that help (women and children close your eyes or don’t continue reading) just happened to be placed right between her legs and it was in the form of an “Ernie” doll from Sesame Street. Yes, what I’m basically trying to tell you is that Byron’s ex is on the internet getting herself off with an “Ernie” doll. An Ernie and Elmo are on the same show. That’s where Elmo part comes in. You may now go excuse yourself from wherever you are and hurl any food you may have just eaten into your nearest trash can. I apologize. Let’s just move on.
-So the remaining five girls who all hate Jayne and think she’s a psycho, besides Andrea, decide to become their own search party and go look for her. This was comical. I mean, they do understand the show is being filmed 24/7 right? They do understand no one’s just going to walk off the premises and never be heard from again, right? These five were like freakin’ the S.W.A.T. team in their search. Very thorough. They covered all their tracks. They checked everywhere, even screaming Jayne’s name 1,000 times, “Jayne! Jayne! Jayne! Jayne!” I mean, you talk about the blind leading the blind. What were these women doing? Of all the places on the premises to look, of everywhere that Jayne could’ve possibly escaped too with dozens of cameras taping her every move, where do you possibly think she could’ve gone? Well, this Scooby Doo search team had no clue. They thought she was eaten by coyotes. Hilarious. Uh, no ladies. She’s in Byron’s room. Where else would she be? And apparently they cared so much about Jayne’s well being, they gave up the search after about 5 minutes completely baffled as to where she could be. That was good stuff.
-So Jayne’s shacked up with Byron this whole time and looks none to pleased about it. Kinda has this, “Didn’t-I-just-go-out-on-a-date-with-you-earlier-today?” look on his face. I think Byron was more bothered by the fact that he had to move Sabrina to the edge of the bed when Jayne came over. Looks like they were about ready for some snuggle time. And by the look on Sabrina’s face, she was just as jealous as Jayne is of the other girls. For a dog groomer, Jayne sure didn’t show too much respect when kicked Sabrina to the end of the bed. Surprised she didn’t stick her whole foot in her stomach and knock the poor canine off the bed. Jayne’s losing points quickly.
-Jayne: “I don’t wanna go back. I wanna stay here.” Well, you can’t. Byron hates you, Sabrina’s about to rip your head off, and your best friends back in the mansion care about you so much, they called off the search party after yelling your name a few times. Things are not looking good for ol’ leather face Jayne. Is she a smoker? I think she looks the least attractive with her makeup off. And the Swan comes in a close second. Plain Jayne is not a pretty sight to behold. Make-up Jayne is ok to look at. Not Plain Jayne. And the Swan will just eventually just melt away at some point.
-Jayne REALLY wants to stay in Byron’s room. Jayne: “Five more minutes. Just five more……I wanted him to make it feel better.” In only five minutes? Wow. Wish I had those powers. Sabrina’s not about to share Byron with you, Jayne. Not gonna happen. And frankly, you’re scaring the holy hell out of Byron anyway. Just leave, go back to all your beloved friends in the mansion, they’re definitely worried sick about you, and just prepare for the inevitable.
’ -When she gets back in the girls room, hell breaks loose….again. Mary confronts her about leaving saying it “wasn’t cool.” Jayne: “You gonna start in on me, now?” Oooooohhhhhh. Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Scratch. Claw. Pull hair. Do something but nag each other. No one wants to hear this. These two go back and forth, Jayne yells at the Swan for gushing about her date saying, “I don’t f***ing wanna hear about your goddamn date!” That was a good one. But other than that, nothing really major. No blood was drawn, no punches thrown, no clothes removed, no hair pulled. Just a bunch of bickering back and forth, some tears ensued, and then everyone made up and they were one big happy family again. And that made for bad television.
-Commercial. Playtex has bras in ½ sizes now. Apparently they give you that “extra comfort you need.” Not that I would know or anything because, well, I don’t have breasts. If I did, I wouldn’t leave the house, but that’s a different story. Now wait a second. First off, are the numbers in half sizes, or the letters? Can you be like a 34 ½ A, or are you a 34 A ½? These are things we need to know. Well, that I need to know. And secondly, haven’t bras been around for like, ever? And just now someone’s thought of adding the ½ size? Isn’t it a little too late for that? I can’t imagine through all these years, the idea of not having a ½ size hasn’t occurred to at least one person out there until now. It can’t be that great of an invention if these things have been used for god knows how long, and just now someone is thinking of adding the ½ size.
-Hey, we’re back to the “last chance talks.” I don’t remember having those last week. Did they? Didn’t think so. Anyway, Host Chris shows up at 9:45 for his first appearance of the show. Obviously, his check every two weeks this season must be truly disappointing. He ain’t doing sh** this season. Anyway, Byron and his lime green shirt would like to talk with Tanya, the Swan, and Psycho Runaway Girl. Psycho Leather Face Girl is up first.
-Jayne tells Byron her and the Swan had a bit of a tiff at the house, but “it’s all good now” and she’s fine. I think Byron believed maybe three seconds of that speech. Maybe less.
-The Swan is a nervous wreck. He asks her about the Jayne story, she says they’re fine, but says she still wants to be with Byron. Swan: “I’m not just a good time girl.” Huh? What’s that? Oh wait. I know what that is. And yes you are. I think she was trying to tell him not to look at her as just a friend and someone he can be quirky with. They can quirk each other later.
-He asked to speak with Tanya because, well, I don’t she’s said anything all show. Need to throw her in somehow. She was concerned the interest wasn’t there since they hadn’t talked or seen each other in a while. No it’s still there. So as long as Byron’s penis is still attached to his body, there’s an interest.
-Commercial. 20/20 Friday night has Joe Simpson on. Joe Simpson, conducter of the gravy train that is the Jessica/Ashlee Simpson fortune. Think Joe is making good coin as their manager? Yeah, me too. Boy, Ashlee sure took a beating this week. One report says that whole SNL gaffe was done on purpose to get more attention. Not too far fetched I guess. I mean, this is Hollywood. Anything’s possible. But to make yourself look bad in the process? Seems a bit much. If the girl got hoarse before she was gonna perform, why not just come out and say, “I’m sick. I can’t perform live”? Granted, many other acts have lip synched on SNL before, and I’m sure it’ll happen in the future. It’s just, they didn’t get caught. Their drummer didn’t throw them under the bus and mistakenly hit the wrong button which cued the music to the same song she’s already sung. Maybe the drummer is upset that Ashlee is attracted to Ryan Cabrera and not him and HE was the one who did it on purpose. Whatever. I’m glad that she sang live at the RMA’s Monday night in her combat boots. Not that you could even hear her with the music drowning her out, but she did anyway.
-Host Chris actually has some interesting news for us before the Rose Ceremony begins. Usually once it gets to the final four, that’s where Byron goes home to meet each of their families. Well, not this season my friends. This season, the final four will be the fantasy overnight dates. I thought this was a brilliant twist added to this season. Now Byron has a legitimate shot of breaking Guiney’s record for sleeping with the most women on the show. Guiney only nailed three, allegedly. Now Byron’s got four chances on his four overnights. He better bring his “A” game if he wants to win. And some jimmy’s.
-Byron: “This is so difficult…..hardest decision yet….thanks for being in my life….yada yada yada yada……”
The Swan: When he asked if she would accept the rose, she actually answered, “Hot diggity dog.” God help us.
Mary: Maybe she cranky earlier with Jayne because of morning sickness. Even though their incident happened at night. Whatever.
Tanya: Well, when she said in her “last chance talk” she didn’t get a good vibe from Byron, that should’ve been the dead giveaway she wasn’t going anywhere.
-Host Chris: “Ladies…..Mr. Liar…..this is the final rose of the night. When you’re ready…..”
Cheresse: She made him give her a twirl when she got her rose because she wanted to be original. You want to be original when he asks you to accept his rose? Let him feel you up. That’ll do the trick. Guarantee you’ll get a rose next ceremony.
-Host Chris: (guitar solo) “Jayne, Andrea, take a moment to say your goodbyes. It’s time to leave the mansion.” Ok, Chris Probst. That is just becoming a blatant rip off now of “Survivor”. If next week they come to the ceremony with torches, I’m writing a complaint letter to ABC.
-Andrea didn’t seem to distraught by the whole ordeal. She handled it pretty well. She said her goodbyes, gave Byron a hug, and we all got a chance to see her 15” inch guns as she wrapped her arms around him. Damn. Her pipes are bigger than Byron’s. That’s crazy. Maybe that’s why he got rid of her. For fear he’d eventually get his ass kicked by this steroid freak.
-As for Jayne, she was a completely different story. Jayne: “Byron lied to me. I feel betrayed. He verbalized his interest in me on several occasions. Apparently, it’s not there. That led to this exchange on her goodbye hug:
Jayne: “You lied.”
Byron: “No, I didn’t.”
Jayne: “Yes you did.”
I’m guessing that could’ve gone back and forth for hours. Probably would’ve had a couple “I know you are, but what am I’s” in there too. I have a feeling the reunion show’s biggest scene will be Jayne confronting Byron about his lying. And it won’t get anywhere since it won’t matter. He didn’t choose her. What do we care if he lied? They’ve all lied on this show. Is she surprised by this? There’s only one winner. Everyone who hasn’t won feels slighted in some way. Hey, even Tara last season basically admitted Jesse played hide the sausage with her, then picked someone else. These things happen. You deal with it, pick yourself up, go back to being a 37 year old dog groomer, and move on. No harsh feelings.
-Next week, they show glimpses of the overnight dates, and this time the women have the option of whether or not they want Byron to stay overnight. Awwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!! There goes Byron’s chance. I guess Guiney holds the record for at least one more season. Who knows? Maybe Jen’s turned into a giant slut and she’ll bone more than three guys when the “Bachelorette” starts.
-As for who’s gonna win this thing, well just like last season, the National Enquirer has already spilled the beans on who wins. You may not think it’s a reputable mag, but they’ve now revealed the last four winners before the finale’s aired, and last season, not only did they pick Jessica, they also said there’d be a one way plane ticket involved. So, go to your local grocery store and pick up this week’s mag if you want to know who wins. I won’t ruin it for you. Yet. Until next week…..
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