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11.10.04
There was once a time when the National Enquirer used to print stories back in the day about how Kathleen Turner was pregnant with twin alien babies, or that Corey Feldman was caught on camera with 10 bags of heroin (ok, maybe that was true), or that Judd Nelson was sleeping with every female Brat Pack member (ok, maybe that was true too). But you get the point. They used to print a bunch of B.S. that just jumped off the cover and made you ask yourself, “Hmmm…maybe a chimpanzee can become the next President of the United States.” Not anymore. Now they just print a bunch of true stories and spoil the endings to our favorite reality shows. I’m not going to give away the winner, but two weeks ago I said the Enquirer printed the final two and who the winner was. Let’s just say they’re right so far. And after last season, when not only did they say Jessica B. was going to win, but that Jesse would be presenting her with a one way airline ticket, you’ve gotta believe someone at the Enquirer has a mole at ABC, and ABC can’t be happy. Oh well. Still makes it worthwhile. Especially since they spent nearly the double the time on Cindy’s hometown date than either of the other two finalists, in hopes to throw us off. No sir-ee, not me. You can’t fool this fool. Let’s begin….
-Host Chris gets some before-9:50-camera-time tonight and presents Byron with a Marquis Jet card so he can use it to jet to all of his hometown dates. Beautiful. I’m sure he put it to use, too. How much ad time did that cost Marquis Jet? And wasn’t that the same jet company that was the head company in one of the challenges on last season’s “Apprentice”? Thought so. I’m not a marketing major, nor do I claim to be one in this column, but I just have one little question: Do the advertisers at Marquis Jet possibly think that anyone who watches this abomination of a show has even 1/10th the money to afford a Marquis Jet card? I mean really, people. I’m sitting here with an overdrawn checking account and a laptop 5 years old, yet they expect me to consider flying a Marquis jet next time I travel? I’ll keep you in mind guys. Thanks for that.
-Byron’s first Marquis Jet flight takes us to Plano, Texas for Tanya’s hometown date. Ahhh, Plano, Texas. My old stomping grounds. My freshman year at SMU in Dallas, my family lived in Plano. So technically, so did I, although I lived on campus. But considering I had about 3 friends there, I was home on the weekends quite a bit. Too bad Tanya’s date showed us only two locations in Plano: some redneck dive bar, and her apartment. That was fun. Why not take us down Park and Preston where all the cool hangouts are? Why couldn’t they take us to Macaroni Grill? They could’ve at least gone to the Galleria for some shopping. Ok, I’m drifting here. You people have no clue what I’m talking about. I’ll stop.
-Tanya and her four friends are waiting at the rented out redneck dive bar when Byron arrives. Her friends are Mandy, Becky, Allison, and someone. Or as I like to call them: Tanya 1, Tanya 2, Tanya 3, and Tanya 4. Could you at least wear different types of outfits ladies? Could you five possibly have been any more alike? Just curious. Anyway, one of the Tanya’s asked Byron the most pertinent question to date: “How does your career work? Do you get like sponsors or something?” Thank you, Tanya 1-4. We were all dying to know the same thing. Of course, we never got an answer other than, “Yeah. I have sponsors.” Whatever the case, Tanya’s Quadrupled seemed to like the ol’ Mullet head.
-Of course, playing into the Texas stereotype, they all hopped on the mechanical bull. I thought there was some major potential for some good action in these scenes. Nope. They cut em short. Every girl got about 3 seconds on that thing before just voluntarily releasing their grip and falling off like it was so hard. Look, I’ve never been on one of those, nor do I plan to, but the speed they had the bull on was about 50 times slower than anything you’ve ever seen in a movie. That was horsesh**. Fire that thing up next time. I wanna see chicks flying around and face planting off that thing. Byron too became a vagina when he just let go and fell off like he was bucked. Please. Get up whimp.
-Tanya’s superfriends pulled Byron aside while Tanya did whatever she needed to do. Probably go talk to the producers and ask if it was possible if they could make this hometown date with her friends any more boring than it is. Anyway, one of these robots asked Byron: “Are you in love with her?” Then we saw the true talents of Byron Velvick come out. Suddenly he was Fred Astaire, just tap dancing around that question like he was paired with Ginger Rogers, “Well…..uh…..you know…..errr…umm…she’s great….and ummmm…..I know I feel a lot for her.” Outstanding. Bravo. Encore. Encore. Gimmie another batch of roses to throw at him. He was wonderful. They were wonderful. Could you sign my copy of “Shall We Dance” before you leave?
-One of the fembots also described Tanya’s dedication for Byron as “trueness”. Yes, trueness. Exactly. I didn’t think that was of this planet either. I’m actually glad they didn’t spend too much time at the redneck dive bar. That was pretty sad. Any more “trueness” and “connections” and “she’s great” would’ve had me pulling a plastic Ziploc bag over my head and suffocating myself.
-Back to Tanya’s apartment they go and, well, there was a lot of making out. A lot. More than you think. First, there was Byron sitting on the stove and her attacking him. Then they moved to the couch where he asked questions he really didn’t care to hear the answers too, I think he just wanted to be more comfortable when he was cleaning her teeth with his tongue. Then she walked him to the door and they made out there so everyone in the complex could see Tanya making out with her made-for-TV boyfriend in front of the cameras. Must’ve been a thrill for all the kids watching. I’m sure they were able to go straight to bed after that.
-Commercial. Not that this has much to do with anything, but I just saw the ad for KFC’s popcorn chicken. Anyone ever had that? There’s no doubt the law of diminishing returns sets in on that meal. The first couple “popcorns” you eat might frankly be the best goddamn popcorn chicken you’ve ever had in your life. By the 6th, 7th, or 8th, you’re more like, “Ok, this isn’t nearly as good as it was two minutes ago.” And by the time you’re at the bottom of the bucket, if you’re still coherent and your heart hasn’t exploded, you might as well check yourself straight into a hospital. Outside of someone who’s a little on the larger side, I don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who’s single-handedly eaten a whole box of KFC’s popcorn chicken and not be in a food coma for the next 7 weeks. Impossible. And I LOVE KFC. Just not the 4,000 pieces of popcorn chicken you get in that box. They think by putting it in a popcorn-like box, you’ll eat it like it’s popcorn. Uh, no. Only if you have a death wish.
-Mary’s date is up. She meets Byron on what looks to be a high school baseball diamond. Who chose this meeting place? Mary’s a former NFL cheerleader. Let’s have her meet in something closer to her element. Like the backseat of one of the Tampa Bay Bucs’ Ford Explorers. Or maybe at the 50 yard line where her and Byron can do the dirty bird, or whatever Ludacris says in that song. “I wanna…..lick lick lick lick….you from your head to your toes….I wanna……” That’s all I know. I think. Ok, I know more. But this is a PG rated column. The twelve year olds who read this religiously might get offended. Who am I kidding? They’re all having sex nowadays anyway.
-At the baseball field, Byron and Mary take batting practice off each other. Byron’s the pitcher, Mary’s the catcher. Ha ha…kidding. Mary’s hitting. She was the catcher on the fantasy date. Whoa! Watch out now! I’m full of em’ tonight. Anyhoo, after Byron and Mary show us neither of them should be trying out for any slo-pitch softball leagues anytime soon (c’mon, you honestly think Byron could hit it out of the infield? Did you see after he swung and made contact, the next scene was just the ball flying through the air? Amateurish), Mary says, “Wanna go in the dugout?” This immediately got Byron excited. At least it should have. The dugout? C’mon buddie. I don’t think anything says “I love you” more than consumating a relationship a varsity baseball bench filled with sunflower seeds and tobacco spit. Pure love.
-Mary tells Byron they’re going to meet her two best friends, Mark and Lisa. Awwwww. How nice. She’s leaving the family out this time in place of her two closest friends. And oh yeah, Mary and Mark used to do the nasty. Even better that Byron meets him. He can get all the details. Lisa must love being Mary’s best friend knowing that she has a child with Mary’s sloppy seconds. I’m sure that never makes for some awkward moments. So they get to the house, and it’s confirmed what I originally was thinking before having seen the guy: Mark’s kind’ve a dork. Ok, he’s a full blown nerd. Which isn’t surprising since she once fell head over heels for a phony, machine gun laughing, self absorbed horndog in Bob Guiney. Who’s also a geek and a half. So no surprise there.
-Mary’s fears about her previous experience with Guiney the Molester are rearing their ugly head. Mary: “I don’t wanna see what I saw before with Bob’s kissing everyone.” Well Mary, too late for that. I’m sure you’ve watched every episode so far that we’ve watched and Byron hasn’t not kissed anyone. In fact, he’s approaching Guiney status in that area. How’s that workin’ out for ya? Bummed a bit? Depressed? Feel like strangling the guy? Please do. We wouldn’t be mad at ya’.
-Sloppy seconds and Byron are having a good man-to-man chat. S.S.: “Mary and I dated a while back. What are her good qualities? She’s really fantastic.” Is fantastic a quality? Since when? That’s an adjective. Last time I checked, and adjective can’t be a quality. Never, ever, ever. A noun can be. Not an adjective. So Mark, what is so “really fantastic” about her? Her personality? Her looks? Her disposition? Her intelligence? Or the fact that she’d run circles around your wife in the bedroom and you’re dying for one more shot at her? The whole time these two were talking, I just would’ve loved to been inside Byron’s head. “Mary actually dated this guy? Did she owe someone a favor or something?”
-Mary and Bob get some alone time. Mary: “If you gave me a rose, how would you feel if you didn’t meet my parents?” Byron didn’t really struggle with this. I think he felt like we all did. Good. Less of a hassle. They’re boring anyway. And English is a second language. Mary tried to play off the fact they were so bothered by them getting to meet Bob and then Bob sh***ing all over Mary, that she didn’t want to put them through that again. Uh huh. Like those people even rememberd Bob’s name the minute he went back home to go have sex with Estella. So these two hem and haw over this for a little bit before playing a game of tonsil hockey. I think Byron won.
-Commercial. There apparently was another high speed chase in Los Angeles tonight. News at 11. Great. I didn’t see it, but I’ll take a wild stab at what happened: Nothing. Car is avoiding police going high speeds on the freeway, gets off onto the side streets and maybe hits a few bumpers, gets back on the freeway, they throw the metal spikes on the road, car rolls on its rims for a good 20-30 miles before giving up, they get out of the car and lay face first on the cold pavement. Been there, done that. I’m embarrassed to live in Los Angeles when these things happen. Not so much for the people stupid enough to put the cops through a high speed chase thinking that somehow they’re going to get away. But that every news station feels the need to break out of programming to show every second of this race which will exactly the same as the previous thousand have done. Stupid.
-The Swan’s date is in Hermosa Beach, California, a good 20 minutes south of me right now. I liked these hometown dates. Two of the three I’m very familiar with. Not since Bob took Meredith to Seal Beach have I ever felt so close to what was happening on screen. It’s like I was right there with them. Ok, maybe it wasn’t. Cuz’ if I was, I probably would’ve been yelling at these women, “HE’S A FISHERMAN!!!!! AND HE LIKES STRIPPERS!!!!!” Anyway, Byron says he laughs so much more when he’s with Swan Lake. I would too. She’s a funny, funny girl. Funny implants. Funny face lifts. Funny collagen injections. Everything about her makes me laugh.
-The Swan’s two friends show up, Bill and his wife/girlfriend/mistress. I don’t remember her name. So the four of them sit down to discuss Byron and the Swan’s bleak future together, and Bill pulls Byron away to have a man-on-man with him. Bill looks out for the Swan. Bill always needs to check out who the Swan is bringing back to the apartment. He’s a very protective friend and I find that rather admirable that women out there can find such a guy that really cares about the guy’s she’s with and the guy’s she brings back to the apartment for free nookie. Of course, the show never told us, but I’m guessing Bill has been a part of that free giveaway at some point or another. I mean please. He really, truly, honestly has that much of an interest in who she brings home? Of course not. He’s comparing. That’s what all guys do when they meet their girlfriends ex’s. How can you not? And vice versa. Not a bad thing. Just the way it is. It’s only human nature.
-Swan’s friend lays it on the line. What’s-her-face: “Could you see yourself marrying Byron.” Swan Dive: “I think so…..I know so….I TOTALLY could.” Gee, that was convincing. Went from basically on the fence about the whole thing to totally accepting a marriage proposal in five seconds. Sounds like love to me. Sign her up. Swannie spends the next few minutes gushing over how much she thinks Byron’s the one for her and her friend comments on how she’s never seen her like this, so it must be true. Yeah, I know. Cuz I’m 100% sure Cindy has never acted this way towards a boy ever in her 37 years on this earth. If she hasn’t, and Byron’s the first one that has ever made her this way, I can’t wait to see the “Women Tell All” next week where we get unforeseen footage of “Cindy’s meltdown after the Rose Ceremony”. Awesome. That’s the kinda sh** we love. Can’t wait.
-After the beach, Swan takes Byron to a restaurant she’s invested in. It’s still not open yet, and that’s a good thing. I wonder if Byron’s decision at the Rose Ceremony had anything to do with her choosing that hole-in-the-wall to invest money in. I guess we’ll never know. But hey, I hope I’m wrong. I hope there’s a line around the corner once that thing opens up. Maybe it’ll bring more people over from Sangria who’s line is 50 people deep at 10:00 on a Friday night. That would certainly help me getting in before last call. Boooooooooo.
-The Swan is coming out all guns firing at Byron. Swan: “Do you think you’d ask someone to marry you after all this?” Fred Astaire put on quite a number once again. He was tap dancing so fast, I can’t even read my notes. Oh wait, yes I can. Here’s what I wrote down: “Blah blah blah blah blah blah…right time….blah blah blah blah….caught in the moment….blah blah blah blah….you’re going home anyway why do you care?” Or something like that. And in the most ironic question of the night, Swan asks Byron: “If you don’t see a future, do not give me a rose.” Ummmmm….well…..at least you got your answer to that one, didn’t ya’?
-The grilling continues and we’re easily 15 minutes of their date that ABC has chosen to air, definitely more than Mary and Tanya’s date combined. Should’ve been tip off #1 to anyone who didn’t already know who the final two were. So as I was saying, Swan just isn’t letting up. Swan: “I know you’ve had two other overnight dates and shared with two other women.” Byron: “They weren’t like what we shared.” Ah hah!!!!! Caught red handed. So, what did you share you two? Besides maybe a couple glasses of wine, a hot tub, and bodily fluids? Anything else we should know about?
-The Swan continues to lob softballs at Byron while he keeps whacking them out of the park. Swan: “Don’t pick me to be the runner-up.” Ummmm…..well…..at least you got your answer to that one too, didn’t ya’? Hell, the girl is practically making Byron’s decision for him. Byron then blurts out something I found truly astonishing. Byron: “Cindy is definitely very aware there are 2 other people involved in this.” She is? How does she know this? What tipped her off? Was it the two other girls standing next to her after the last Rose Ceremony? Or was it the two other girls she was just referring to in your conversation? Somehow, someway, Cindy has put her math skills to the test and has shown to be the most intelligent woman to appear on this show. And Byron’s noticed, so you figured that would’ve been a good thing for her.
-Their last moments together have them pecking at each other like woodpeckers on the beach. He only does this with her? Why is that? Why are these two so kissing challenged? When is Swan’s episode of “The Swan” airing? Does she make it into the final Swan pageant? Will Byron come running back to her after he dumps ________ (I would never do that you)?
-Commercial. The American Music Awards are Sunday. All the big names are gonna be there: Usher, Jessica Simpson, Gwen Stefani, Kenny Chesney, Clay Aiken, Tim McGr….Clay Aiken? Huh? Has he put out a song since “Invisible”? And speaking of “Invisible”, have you really ever listened to the lyrics of that? Isn’t he basically admitting to being a stalker? “If I was invisible…..I would just watch you in your room….” Kinda spooky, huh? No, not that he’s a stalker. That I know the chorus to a Clay Aiken song. Want another one? “Lift me uuuuuuuuuppppppppp……in your aaaaaaarrrrrrrmmmmms…..” Ok, I’ll stop. I have to take off my skirt.
-Byron’s in the “Pick me!” photos room for one last look at the ladies. You know, in case he forgot who he was choosing from. Or in case we did even though we’ve spent the last 7 weeks now watching people we couldn’t remember. So he’s decided all three remaining ladies will get a little LCT. C’mon, you gotta be down with the Bachelor lingo. LCT? Last Chance Talk. C’mon people. Stay with me. Only two more weeks before this debacle is over. Which brings to mind, do you realize that the 2 hour finale airs the night before Thanksgiving? Which means no one will be at work the next day to read the column? More on that next week……
Mary: Still bringing up that whole thing about the parents. Look, sorry honey, but Byron doesn’t care. And if he doesn’t care, how in the hell do you expect us to? Mary also says, “I didn’t think coming here a 2nd time I would feel the things I’m feeling.” Really? Then why’d you agree to come on the show then? Makes no sense whatsoever. Then again, she’s Mary. And she once almost lost it for Bob Guiney. ‘Nuff said.
Swan: Easily had the “Quote of the Night”: “I didn’t mean to go down on you so hard last night.” What!!!!!????? Actually she said, “I didn’t mean to come down on you so hard last night.” No comment. Let’s just move on. Some things are better left unsaid.
Tanya: She tells Byron, “I’m crazy about you. I have no doubts when it comes to you.” Hell, she could’ve told him, “I’m a closet crack whore that would love nothing more than for you to meet my five kids and their three different fathers on our next date” and he was still taking her. Swan? No way. She scared him away.
-It’s that time. Rose Ceremony time. And Host Chris has the introductions. Host Chris: “Ladies, there are three of you here. Two roses. One of you will be going home. Byron, when you’re ready.” I know. I can’t believe for the life of me he actually uttered that. And if you thought that bit of info was completely unnecessary, just wait. He outdoes himself yet again this week.
-Byron: “Hi….so difficult….I see beauty, heart, compassion, kindness, a soulmate, a life partner, fake breasts, and ex-wife…..thank you for making my life better for sharing your life and your ex’s with me……”
Mary: It took her BY FAR the longest out of anyone in show history to accept his rose, and they gave each other BY FAR the longest hug in show history. I thought that was a little rude and uncalled for. But not so much as this……
-Host Chris: “Ladies….Skirt Chaser….this is the final rose tonight.” WOW!!!!!!!!! Ok, I can understand when he eliminates 25 down to 15. A lot of girls, maybe they lost track of the roses. 15 down to 10? I’ll accept that, but begrudgingly. 10 down to 6? Ehhhh, maybe not so much. 6 down to 4? Now we’re pushing it, Chris. 4 down to 3? You’re getting on my nerves. 3 down to 2? This is f***in preposterous!!! Are you people comprehending what this nipple brain just did? Ok, 30 seconds ago he told three ladies that were three of them, two roses, and someone would be going home. Not even a minute later, after one rose has been given away, he steps in to tell them this is the final rose of the night. Ok, that’s it. Someone cane Host Chris. Now! Do it! Chinese water torture. Figure four leg lock. Anything so this guy suffers just as much pain as I did. Unbelievable.
Tanya: She had a normal reaction. She was happy. Not nearly as hysterical as Mary. I was just interested in the Swan’s reaction. Didn’t get too much right away since her face was pulled back so tight, but in the limo ride apparently her tear ducts were turned back on.
-Byron says his goodbye over the guitar solo to the Swan. Not much was said. Her face start slowly sliding off her face while he told her that “whatever guy she gets will be a really lucky guy”. Sweet. The streak stays alive. Six for six. Six straight seasons of the “Bachelor” where the bachelor has sent one of the final girls off and gave her that line. And I didn’t even watch either of the first two seasons, I just know both of those toolboxes must’ve said it at some point. How do they know this? What if these girls are giant beyotches and the guys that land them end up being the most miserable souls to ever walk this planet? You’ve known the girl for six weeks. She could become the devil for all you know.
-Swan: “He sent me home. I think Byron needs someone opposite of him and not a free butterfly kind of girl.” Translation: I can’t believe I spread my legs for this pud and he ended up dumping me.
-Next week is the “Women Tell All” episode that was taped here in L.A. this past Saturday. Apparently nothing major happens outside of Jayne still being a complete psycho and wanting answers from Byron as to why they’re not together. Then they put her nice white jacket back on her and off to the looney bin she goes. In two weeks, they show the preview for the finale with both girls telling Byron’s father they’re in love with his son, Mary’s still contemplating whether or not her parents want to go on TV again, and Host Chris uttering something he’s actually never said before, “It’s the most romantic proposal in Bachelor history!” Gee, I thought it was kind of a secret whether or not this guy was going to propose? Thanks for spilling the beans dipsh**. What’s next you’re gonna tell us that ________ is the winner? See, I’m a good guy. Really, I am. Until next week……
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