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THE BACHELOR 6 LINKS
11.17.04
I know we’re still over a month away, but after yesterday’s announcement from ABC, there is a slight problem on our hands for the “Bachelorette” which starts in January. Uhhhh, the network geniuses over at the American Broadcasting Company decided after the Byron Velvick Bomb, better known as the “Bachelor 6”, to move the series to Monday nights at 9:00 beginning Jan. 10th. That’s all fine and dandy, they can do what they want. But how dare they decide to put Jen Schefft head-to-head against Jack Bauer and the greatest show on television, “24”. Disturbing. Yes, I’m still going to write about the “Bachelorette”, I’ll just be starting an hour later. Watch “24”, TiVo “Bachelorette”, watch “Bachelorette” from 10-11pm, start typing the column at 11. Great. More long nights for me. Yiiiiiiipppeeeeee. Just because JJ Abrams wants all his shows on the same night (“Alias” moving to Wednesdays after “Lost”), I’m forced to lose sleep. Great. Let’s begin…
-Well, in years past, I’ve called this episode the “Women Tell Us Sh**”. Not this year. No, I think a more appropriate title would be, “The Bachelor: The Women Are Heavily Edited and Cindy Has a Screw Loose”. Much better. This show started no different than the previous eight. Host Chris introduces the twenty-three losers or however many it was while the crowd has to pretend to cheer for all twenty-three. I honestly remembered about eight of these women total. Who were some of those ladies? And the back row chicks might as well have just brought a cot because they weren’t getting a word in edgewise unless they paid someone.
-First woman on the Mild Seat was the Egghead. Putting her on the Hot Seat might’ve caused her to cook too fast, so someone must’ve turned down the temperature before she sat down. Krysta frankly looks exactly the same as she did on the show: not attractive. Pretty funny how her royal Eggness had so much fun trashing all the other ladies behind their back when I’m guessing half the guys that watch this show wouldn’t touch her without going to the free clinic for a checkup or ten first. And she lives in Oklahoma to boot. Let’s just be frank about it (hell, Krysta has no problem with it): I guarantee that girl’s been passed around more than a doobie at a Snoop Dogg concert. There probably isn’t a Johnson within a 5 mile radius of OU that she hasn’t seen or touched over the last 10 years. You just know it. Am I judging her misfairly? Good. Dose of her own medicine.
-I love how they showed the clips of Krysta talking behind all the women’s backs, then when it was over, she thought it was the funniest thing she’d ever seen and every girl on that stage basically had their jaw touching the floor. Let’s see, she called that one chick a dude, said Cindy was an alien, called Jayne crazy (then again, who didn’t), and trashed Cheresse as well. And she didn’t give a rat’s ass about anything she said either. What a classy girl. Her parents must be proud. There are actually people who, since the show has ended, have come to her defense by saying, “Hey, at least she’s honest. She doesn’t back down from anything she says.” So that makes her a good person? Exactly what kind of argument is that? Hopefully Humpty Dumpty fell off her wall for the last time and nobody puts her back together again.
-Eggy: “I thought my boobs looked good.” Compared to who, honey? They showed a picture of her in some magazine on a harley in some god awful leather outfit with a push up bra that didn’t have much to push up. I think Cindy was the one that commented on how she looked in the picture, and Krysta seemed to like how her rack looked. Or what’s left of it. The girl just isn’t attractive, bottom line, yet she thinks she is, and those are the most annoying women out there. And because she’s probably banged four classes worth of OU football players, she also probably thinks she can get it whenever she wants. Well, she can because she’s a woman and she calls the shots, not because of what she probably thinks.
-Commercial. Can’t wait til the movie “Alexander” comes out. I love movies about stories set back hundreds of years ago in different countries that I only know about through my 7th grade history book. I’m usually into them for a good five minutes before I start reaching in the bottom of my popcorn bucket hoping to get some popcorn that hasn’t been bathed in butter. Maybe “Alexander” will be good, maybe not, but I can tell you what it will have: bad accents that won’t be believable. Kinda like Tom Hanks in “Terminal”. Did he really make that movie? Did Tom Hanks actually play the character of a foreign guy who slept at the airport? When he applies for his next big movie role and turns in his resume to the producer, does he even put it on there? Hopefully he left “Joe vs. the Volcano” out too. Bad flick.
-Back from commercial, and Egghead’s behavior on the show has affected one of the other girls. Amy: “I defended you. Do you know how many times since this show has ended that I’ve heard people talk trash about you, and I stuck up for you. I’m just hurt.” Sorry to say Amy, but that’s your problem. You wanna stick up for that, you suffer the consequences. I don’t feel a damn bit sorry for you, and I’m guessing the other girls didn’t either. “Amy likes Krysta? Damn, that girl crazy.” And when I was talking trash about her, you never stood up for her to me. You must be lying.
-Next up was Jayne and they recapped her lovely experience on the show. Host Chris, after showing the video of Jayne’s time on the show, reiterated at least 1,000 times that Jayne was the early favorite on the show. We heard phrases like “favorite”, “front runner”, and “all the money was on her”. Was he watching the same show we were? I think maybe for about fifteen seconds Jayne was the leader, but not too much more than that. I think Host Chris is on some of the stuff Jayne was taking during the show. I wonder if she brought her drugs with her and Host Chris took a hit before the cameras started rolling, or if by being that close it to her, just the aura along made him delusional. Not sure.
-Re-living Jayne’s meltdown at the party was quite the memory. After seeing it again, I didn’t feel so bad about questioning her sanity. That was truly one for the ages watching her snap at Byron after he left to console Mary because she wanted attention. I guess that’s what alcohol can do to you if you’re a bad drunk. Jayne’s reaction after watching it again? Jayne: “I’m embarrassed people saw me act like that. But I’m glad, because I saw it myself, and I don’t think I’ll ever see myself do that again.” Until the next guy you’ve known for a month dumps you. Probably will be worse next time. Who is she kidding?
-Jayne said a lot of her drama came from Cindy and Cheresse who were very good at gossiping and talking behind the girls backs. So the three of them sniped at each other a little bit, each girl claiming to have never done anything wrong. Cheresse says she never gossiped, Cindy said she didn’t know why Jayne went nuts the night of the party, and Jayne said it was all their fault. Jayne: “I didn’t go crazy.” First off, yes you did. And secondly, how could her performance on the show not be answered any other way than, “Look ladies, and Chris, for whatever reason, my hormones were super raging on this show, there were no other men around but Byron, it was that time of month, and frankly, I was going completely screwy after mixing alcohol with all my deep, pent up emotions towards Byron. The slightest thing sent me over the edge, and you ladies managed to touch every single button of mine. From Mary’s attention grabbing performance, to Cheresse’s whispering, to Cindy’s bad makeover job, everything about everybody was completely out of whack and I should’ve never done the show to begin with. I’m checking back into my padded room this evening and I’m not coming out until the doctors say it’s ok.” Or something like that.
-Commercial. 20/20 has a big interview tonight with Prince Harry. Look, I don’t care too much for the royal family and what they do, but for whatever reason, this kid intrigues me. He’s the big partying drug user and alcoholic that’s embarrassing the whole family, right? Or is that Prince William? Either way, I’m definitely considering tuning into this. Nothing like the one crazy son bringing down the whole first family out there. Normally, I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about anything going on in England, but this is good stuff. Why doesn’t this kid just bang both of Bush’s daughters so we can have pure chaos? Who am I kidding? I guarantee he’s already hit that. If not twice. And is William or Harry the one with the chicklets that you can drive a truck through? One of those boys needs to see a dentist and fast.
-The next lady up to the Mild Seat is the Swan. Obviously with all the plastic going around on the set, she was extremely flammable so they had to be careful. She might’ve just melted right there on the seat and left nothing but a puddle of goo if they weren’t careful. Props to them for turning down the heat when they did. After recapping Cindy’s traumatic experience on the show, she basically turned into a wreck again saying, “I just thought the whole thing was a bad dream and I kept waiting to wake up.” Swan Lake hasn’t recovered at all from Byron’s dumping, and in fact, looks like has gotten worse since the show ended. I think she still thinks there’s going to be a rose ceremony at the end of this episode and she’s going to be receiving the last one. Someone, anyone, please help her. Tell her the show is already done taping and Byron and his lady are engaged (the rumor going around) and that she has no chance with him anymore.
-Host Chris: “So you were in love with Byron?” Swannie: “I……definitely….felt…something….” Hey, he didn’t ask what you guys did on your fantasy date, he asked if you loved Byron. No need to go into the kinky details of what you did after he plopped you down on that bed of roses in the fantasy suite. That’s a moment you and Byron shared that’ll last for eternity. So how’d that work out for ya’? Must’ve felt great giving up the ass and then having him pull the rug out from under you like that. But you look great. Seems like you’ve recovered real well from all of it and have moved on with your life. Good for you. Shows what a strong woman you are.
-Apparently Cindy was so distraught after getting sent home in the limo that night, she didn’t talk to producers. But after a couple days of mulling it over, and probably countless hours of pleading by the producers to make it more dramatic, Host Chris says that Swan called the show back after sitting on it for two days because she had a lot to say and wanted to get it off her fake chest. Of course ABC, always looking for more dramatic storylines even if they are contrived, obliged and turned the red light on again for Swan so she could spill her guts out over Byron and even further embarrass herself. Or as the show liked to call it, “have a meltdown”. I wouldn’t necessarily call that a meltdown, but let’s just say she turned into a strong candidate to be Jayne’s roommate down at the clinic.
-So, apparently this footage of Cindy “48 hours later” was all brought on by her. And even then she still thought the whole thing was a joke. She said when they came to pick her up to bring her to wherever they brought her and started filming on that camcorder used by police officers during sting operations, she still thought they were taking her back to the mansion where she’d be getting a rose. She actually thought the whole thing was a joke. Or at least that’s what she’s telling us she thought. Like I said, this seems all very contrived and made up, and you wouldn’t put it past her to do something like this, but who knows, right? Anyway, this video camera recorded her writing down in a journal and talking about her feelings towards Byron. Swan Dive: “I loved talking to him. I loved hanging out with him. He made me feel special.” Well, in case you didn’t watch the show honey, he did that with all the ladies, so don’t feel to bad. That’s the charm of Byron Velvick. Make em’ feel special, then when they give you an ultimatum of “Don’t bring me to the final two unless you plan on keeping me”, dump their ass.
-The Swan’s blubbering continued. Swan: “Byron opened up a vein in me…..I think Byron was my soulmate and I’m afraid I won’t meet anybody else.” Whoa, whoa, whoa, back to this vein thing. Did that hurt? Did it happen on the overnight fantasy date? When did you notice this? Did he apologize for opening up your vein? Are you going to press charges? I didn’t realize Byron was capable of this. I don’t know if I should be impressed by that or not. Sounds somewhat kinky, yet, sounds like he could’ve hurt someone. Not sure where I stand on that one. I’ll get back to you.
-So after Swan has to re-live all that mess, and ABC could clearly see this was an unstable woman on the verge of a breakdown caused by this horndog, what better time to bring out Byron than now. Byron comes out an he’s in full 90’s turtleneck mode. Definitely a good 10-years-ago look he had going there. I honestly didn’t think they made turtlenecks anymore. And this wasn’t one of the new trendy like half turtlenecks. No, this was straight $14.99 Miller’s Outpost black, turtleneck. Trust me. I used to wear them all the time. Byron looked tight. If he would’ve just worn his Z Cavaricchi pants and creepers, I could’ve been transported back to any high school dance freshman or sophomore year when me and a buddy used to come up with a routine before showing up. Usually consisted of something by Kid N’ Play, or Bobby Brown’s “Dance, Ya Know It!” CD. Good stuff. Couldn’t my parents have stopped me from doing this? Why couldn’t they step in and say, “Look, you’re not going to the dance dressed like that and you’re not getting laid doing dance routines.” I think I struggled with my identity during my first two years of high school. If only I could go back in time.
-Anyway, Byron comes out to confront Swan before she really melts down and injures herself. And even Byron couldn’t believe the footage he just saw. Byron: “I’m sorry. That was overwhelming, gut wrenching, and painful.” Yeah, no kidding Byron. Tell us something we didn’t know. It was for us too. To lighten the mood, Byron tried to make small talk. Byron: “You look great.” Swan: “So do you. Wanna go make out?” Yes, she said that. That’s not me inserting that in there. Honest. Swan must be a big fan of this column. Did a 37 year old just ask Byron if he wants to make out? Outstanding. Why not just ask him if he’d be down for a little necking? Maybe they could go mack somewhere? At what point did the word “mack” become unusable when describing what you did with a girl? Can’t believe that word didn’t make it too far. “Hey, what’d you guys do after the movie?” “Dude, I macked her. We totally macked behind the frozen yogurt place.” Hey, maybe they still use it. I don’t know. Not really down with the grammar school lingo anymore.
-So obviously Swan’s first question to Byron: “So why’d you let me go?” And wouldn’t you know it, Fred Astaire appeared on stage. He’s made quite a few appearances this season, hasn’t he? He basically used her ultimatum against her, like he should’ve, by saying that when she said that to him, he wasn’t convinced she was the one yet, so that basically made his decision for him because he didn’t want to hurt her family or her anymore than he had to. What a great guy that Byron is. Always looking out for others. Maybe they could’ve shown the secret camera videos from the overnight date and then asked Byron how he felt about hurting her. That could’ve gotten a little hairy. Byron would’ve had that sweat above his upper lip going much earlier than expected.
-Needless to say, Byron and the Swan didn’t mack on the show. That wouldn’t have looked good. What would Tanya….or Mary….have thought of that? But that’s not stopping Swan from selling herself even more. “You missed it. You missed out. I’m a great girl.” And I’m sure half of Hermosa Beach could vouch for that as well. I can’t believe a surgically enhanced 37 year old blonde who lives in Hermosa Beach is having a hard time finding a guy. Cindy, may I call you Cindy? Ok, just head down to Pier St. on any Friday or Saturday night wearing what you wore on your fantasy date. If you’re telling me after that, that you couldn’t find one guy, you’re not trying hard enough. Now granted, these aren’t the highest quality of male species out there, but there’s gotta be one diamond in the rough. Those drunkards would love nothing more than to throw themselves at your feet and rub all against you in the clubs. That’s what they do. I think it’s their job on the weekends. Get as completely sh** faced as possible, approach as many women as you can in the bars, and see how many times you can make a ass of yourself. It’s very fun to watch.
-Her Swanness apologizes to Byron for “all the tough questions”. Huh? You asked one, that they showed, and I wouldn’t consider that tough since it’s what every girl asks on this show once they get re-introduced to the man who violated their rights as a woman then sent them on their way. And another masterful job by the ABC editing crew for the way they spliced and diced this whole show together. Lots of audience applauses cut short all the sudden. Lots of Byron’s answers were cut short as well. And many of the girls facial expressions probably not being the expressions they actually gave during that particular time of showing them. So, an all around A+ performance for that team. Fine job. Now let’s you see you splice together some of that alone time Byron and Cindy had in the fantasy suite and throw it up on the internet at some point. Do your job.
-Swan leaves the stage after a handshake, and probably exchange of phone numbers once things don’t work out with Mary….or Tanya. So Byron stays and gets questions from the ladies. First up is Cheresse who basically asks the question we all want to hear. Well, she didn’t actually ask a question, she just wanted Byron to admit he dumped her because she wouldn’t open her legs for him on the fantasy date. And he pretty much did. Byron: “I wanted to spend that 8 or 10 hours alone with you in sweats and eating strawberries because I think that would’ve really helped to let us get to know each other on a different level. And you chose not to.” Translation: You’re damn right that’s why I sent you home. Tanya, Mary, and Cindy all gave it up in the suite. That’s the whole point in ABC giving us that option. It’s making my decision that much easier. Whoever performs the best in that situation gets to stay. Once again, Byron is a classy guy. Need we say more?
-The Hot Seat continues for Byron and Jayne is up next. She wusses out and just apologizes to him for the way she behaved and apologizes to everyone else. Well that sucked. Parting words from Jayne and that’s what we get? After her performance on the show? The doctors must’ve had her sedated or something. That was not the Jayne we all know and love. That ruined things for me. I would’ve loved to seen those eyes bug out again and her go ape sh** on Byron for lying to her and leading her on. Instead we get, “I’m sorry. I’m a better woman from the experience. I had a great time. But it’s time for me to go back to bouncing off padded walls back at the clinic.” Booooooooooooo.
-Cheresse is up next and pretty much followed Jayne’s cue. First saying what a great time she had and is thankful for the female friends she made. Then Host Chris had to tell her he wanted her parting words for Byron, and she again said nothing other than, “It is what it is, I had a great time, and it was nice meeting you.” Awwwwwwwww c’mon!!!! Then again, Cheresse is much too classy for this guy anyway. She doesn’t seem like the type to lay into someone as beneath her as Byron is. Good for her. You could kinda tell Cheresse wanted nothing to do with this reunion show. And who could blame her? Listening to Krysta degrade everyone, to watching Swan try and get a marriage proposal from a guy who’s already dumped her, to seeing what Jayne’s like in between medications, I wouldn’t have wanted any part of that.
-Swan had one final question for Byron. Swan: “Why did you flip out when I asked your ex-wife on the date?” I don’t even remember Byron’s answer. But I did read this yesterday. This comes from a report out of Baltimore. Granted, it has nothing to do with his ex-wife Irene, but it does have a lot to do with his ex-girlfriend Gwen. You know, the Elmo girl? Yeah her. This is very heart warming.
“Ravens Lewis Attains Restraining Order”
Baltimore Raven Jamal Lewis has had it with an ex-girlfriend. Gwen Rogers, 36, of the Virginia area, has taken their failed relationship to the obsessive level, according to Lewis. She has sent him over 100 emails and called both his residence and his mobile phone over 300 times in the past 36 hours dating back to Friday, Nov. 12th. Lewis has indicated a fear of his safety and a concern for his immediate family. Under the terms of the Restraining Order, Gwen Rogers may not have any contact with Lewis and is to remain at least 500 feet away from any property owned by the victim and may not step on to any site owned or used by the Baltimore Ravens.
Sounds like Gwen’s handling the Byron break up about as well as anyone possibly could under those circumstances. Didn’t really see her as the Restraining Order type, but you never can tell these days can you? Doesn’t she have some photo shoot with a puppet to occupy her time or something? Where does Byron meet women like this? 300 phone calls in one weekend? When he didn’t pick up the first 100 times, was it really necessary to hit redial another 200 times? Wasn’t there a clue in there that maybe he wasn’t up for talking to you? Ever again? Call me crazy. Actually, you can call her crazy. You can call me tired. It’s currently 5:00am and I haven’t even started typing “Reality Roundup”. Forget it. Executive decision. “Reality Roundup” will appear next week. I’m about to pass out.
-Commercial. This Nicolette Sheridan/Terrell Owens/Monday Night Football promo is getting so much more attention than it deserves. Hey, I’m the biggest football nut out there and even I’m sick of this story. The NFL is appalled by the promo that ran before Monday’s game where she was just in a towel, then went naked, trying to get Terrell not to play in the game. Basically insinuating to screw the game and just do her in the locker room. Whatever. I just find it hypocritical of the NFL to lash out at ABC for producing that bit, yet during the game, exactly how many camera shots do we get of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders cleavage right into the camera? Or better yet, sometimes it’s just a subtle camera angle looking right up their crotch. Very nice. This is such a non-story, it’s not even worth talking about anymore. The NFL is just as guilty of exploiting sex during it’s broadcasts as ABC was of its promo.
-After commercial, they bring out Jay to the Hot Seat. Jay. You know, that guy that was on the show with Byron back about a year and a half ago? I almost forgot about him and his Grecian Formula hair. Didn’t really ask him much just about his experience and what it’s been like since he appeared. He did say though that when the ladies had the power in their hands that first episode, “I can’t imagine a tougher decision.” Well, I could. And apparently so could they. Dude, you got boat raced in that voting. Even Host Chris asked, “Which of you ladies actually voted for this guy?” And you could tell those that did weren’t too eager to throw up their hands. Didn’t he lose like 17 to 8 or something like that? There was a wrinkle they added to the show that went nowhere.
-Of course, Jay being the 40 year old pimp daddy that he is, didn’t shut the door to laying pipe to any of the ladies should they come visit New York. Jay: “Any ladies coming to New York to visit, I’d love to take you out for coffee or wine”. Sure you would Jay. And where might that lead to? Guys are such pigs, I swear. Makes me ill sometimes. As for who he said he was initially attracted to, he named Natalie (who?), Kelly (the one who even brought her dog to the reunion show. God help her), and Leina (the one who left to be with her best friend back home. Hey, how come we couldn’t get an update on her?). I’m curious to see how many ladies take Jay up on his offer. I guess we’ll never know, but I can give you a pretty honest guess right now: None.
-As for next week’s finale, as you know, it’s a 2 hour finale that airs the night before Thanksgiving. It also is followed by a 1 hour “After the Final Rose” show. So that’s 3 hours worth of writing and I have to be up at 7am the next morning for our Annual Turkey Bowl football game that my friends and I have. So just so you know not to run to your computers next Thursday morning looking for the column, the finale recap will be up next Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. And don’t think for a second I won’t be including all my stats and stories from Turkey Bowl where my team looks to continue our 4 year winning streak. Until next Friday…..
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