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11.3.04
Very bizarre episode. No different really than past “Fantasy Date” episodes. Same cheesy dialogue, same bad readings of the fantasy date invitations, and same boring Byron. All of that was par for the course. But one thing really stood out to me over the rest which made it all that more bizarre. And I can’t seem to get the images out of my head. It might disturb me for a while. Longer than it probably should. But the sight of it almost makes me hurl. Remember those plastic punching bags you had as a kid? the ones that were full of sand on the bottom and it had like your favorite cartoon character on it? And when you’d punch it, it’d go allllllll the way back, then pop right back into place? Well, imagine two of those things facing each other and someone simultaneously punching both of them continuously, and them falling back, then popping back up, going back, then popping back up, going back and popping back up, etc. Repeat that process about 200 times. That’s how Byron and Cindy looked when they kiss each other. It was freakin’ nauseating. I will never sleep normally again. Let’s begin…
-Host Chris with an early appearance this week. The producers must’ve realized, “Holy sh**! We’re actually paying this guy and he frankly hasn’t done a damn thing all season besides tell us what a dramatic rose ceremony we’re going to have, and what ten roses minus nine roses leaves us.” Anyway, Chris tells the ladies that it’s time for the Fantasy overnight dates. They’ll be moving out of the house, and they won’t see each other til’ next rose ceremony. Boo hoo. I’m sure the ladies are heartbroken. Of course, we knew this already since Chris told us this at the last rose ceremony. And yes, he is probably easily bringing home six figures for doing what a trained monkey could probably do. I feel ill.
-He tells the ladies that this time they will have the fantasy overnight cards, and it’s their option whether or not they want to present it to Byron. Great. Knew that already thanks to the commercials. Host Chris is off to a roaring start. Mary: “I got a knot in my stomach when I saw the fantasy date cards because it reminded me of the last time I went through this.” You mean when Bob took advantage of you in your fantasy suite, then left you high and dry at the rose ceremony? You mean that knot that’s re-surfacing? Don’t worry. I’m sure it’s nothing a bottle of Pepto-Bismol won’t take care of. Byron’s not nearly the pig Guiney was. He’s worse.
-Mary gets the first fantasy date and it’s in Whistler, Canada. Never heard of it. Looks nice. Fit into ABC’s budget. Why not? Byron and Mary are going to go extreme sport zip tracking today. Basically, they’re going to dangle themselves hundreds of feet in the air to a rope one at a time and this is supposed to be considered romantic. Look, any date where the possibility of plummeting to your death and your body splattering against rocks is in the equation, cannot be considered romantic. But they thought it was somehow. Kinda reminded me of “Cliffhanger”. If Mary’s rope had snapped, and Byron went halfway out there and tried to grab onto Mary as her hand was slipping away, that would’ve made for some pretty good reality television. Instead we’re relegated to them zipping from one side to another and nobody fell. Boooooooooooooo.
-After their zipping, they enjoyed some drinks and private time together. Mary: “I think we’re a good match.” Byron: “I think that too.” And if she said she thought you were a stripper loving horndog and wanted you dead, would you agree with that too Byron? Byron: “What would your perfect wedding day be like?” Mary: “On top of a cliff, hearing the waterfalls that we’re hearing now…..” Just stop right there, honey. Look who you’re sitting across from. Fishing boy who lives in a boathouse on the outskirts of Vegas. I can guarantee you there won’t be any cliffs and waterfalls in his next wedding, if there is one. Just be thankful if you can get a reception that doesn’t include an all-you-can-eat steak dinner for $7.99.
-Commercial. Another different edition of “Extreme Makeover” this week. Great. This one’s “Extreme Family Makeover”. Yes, that’s right. A whole family of uglies is getting redone. When is this going to stop? This show is turning into “Law and Order” with all the different subtitles they have. How many different “Law and Order’s” are there? About 57? Only a couple more, and maybe they’ll catch the CSI series. I’m convinced within the next year, every channel will have CSI: Somewhere going on once a day. It’s already on three days a week, what’s one more? But make it a good city. Who wants to see New York, Miami, and Las Vegas? Make it “CSI: Riverside, California”. See, CSI is much too complicated for the ‘billies. But once you bring it to their city, they’d be all over that thing.
-Byron and Mary’s dinner is at the Chateau Whistler. Never heard of it. Looked nice. Fit in ABC’s budget, so I guess they had no choice. Byron described Mary after meeting for dinner as “playful, light, and easy.” He already knows this? Just by looking at her? Gee. He’s really pre-judging her isn’t he? That’s not nice. She might be playing hard to get tonight. Because as she’s told us a million times already, she’s been burned already by this experience. She has a few walls up. In fact, Guiney scarred her so bad, she’s got a fort around her. And a moat with alligators in it surrounding that. And no bridge to even get across. For now.
-Mary lays the smack down on Byron by telling him she’s not interested in seeing him sleep around on all his other fantasy dates. To which Byron gives us Big Lie #1 of the night. Byron: “I didn’t come on this show to see how many people I can be romantic with.” Uh huh. Sure you didn’t. And host Chris isn’t stealing money from ABC. And Jesse Palmer was really looking to settle down with a 23 year old law student who lived 3,000 miles away from him. This show never ceases to amaze.
-Mary basically tells Byron she only wants a rose if he’s serious about continuing on with her, because (yawn), “I’ve been down this road before and I don’t want to get hurt again. I’d rather you tell me now, then tell me later.” Whatever. I’m sick of you. Just bring out the invitation. Ah yes, here it is. The infamous fantasy date invitation. And I can see that even through now eight seasons of the “Bachelor/ette”, they still haven’t changed the same damn three sentences on these cards. Unbelievable. “Mary & Byron. Hope you are enjoying your stay in (current location bought and paid for by ABC). If you choose to forgo your individual rooms, use this key to spend the night as a couple in our fantasy suite. Good luck, and the condoms are in the drawer of the nightstand.” So yes, despite Mary’s huge reservations about being led on, and falling for someone who’s just gonna break her heart, and yada yada yada Guiney, she still asks Byron anyway, and after checking to see if his penis is still attached, he accepts.
-Commerical. “Bridget Jones Diary 2”, or “The Next Bridget Jones Diary”, or “Another Diary From Someone Named Bridget Jones” is coming out soon. I never saw the first one so frankly, I could care less about the second one. But without having seen the first one, I could probably tell you what happened. Renee Zellwegger squinted her face for two hours and Hugh Grant stumbled and bumbled over his words when speaking. That’s my guess. Can you imagine being Hugh Grant, having Elizabeth Freaking Hurley as your girlfriend, yet getting busted with a nasty ass hooker named Divine Brown on Sunset Blvd late at night? That’s incomprehensible. Women don’t care though. They’d still throw themselves at this guy’s feet. “Oh, his English accent is so sexy.” Yeah, and he paid $40 to get a hummer in a car by some skank while Elizabeth Freaking Hurley was sitting at home for him.
-Tanya’s date is up next in Vancouver, Canada. I’ve heard of it. Never been there, but it seems nice. Guess we’re going with the Canadian theme tonight. That’s new. Guess that’s all the budget called for this season. Canadian hotels. When Byron and Tanya meet up in a park, they have motorized bicycles waiting for them. Never even seen these things before. But after their excursion in the car/boat, I guess they wanted to keep with the theme of “Things To Do on a Date That No Other Average American Will Have Any Chance of Doing”. So they buzzed through the park on these things until arriving at a mini picnic. So much for the motorized bikes, or whatever they were. That was dumb. Anyway, the picnic showed us nothing either and we went straight to the hotel dinner. I guess neither of them had anything important/interesting/remotely entertaining to say over the picnic.
-At the hotel, Byron surprised Tanya with dinner on the rooftop of the hotel. Tanya was taken aback. Tanya: “We’re two very lucky people.” Byron: “I’m very lucky.” Tanya: “I’m very lucky.” And I’m very nauseous. Can you please stop with this? Tanya: “Byron really surprised me with dinner.” Look, Byron didn’t surprise you with anything. ABC did. They’re the ones opening the checkbook to these dates. You think Byron footed the bill for anything having to do with any of your dates? Didn’t think so. Keep quiet, keep blowing smoke up Byron’s ass, and just make sure you invite him back to the suite so you can keep yourself in the game.
-The big news they’ve been teasing us with that Tanya has for Byron is finally revealed. And it was a doozy. Tanya: “I voted for Jay.” Jay? Jay who? There was a Jay on this show? Who the hell even remembers or cares? That was the big secret? Once again, ABC makes us think something actually important might happen when in reality, they knew all along nobody would give a sh** about that secret. Oh well. Fooled again. When Byron tells Tanya basically the reaction I just gave, Tanya’s panties fly off. Or something like that. Tanya: “When Byron told me that voting for Jay didn’t bother him at all, that made me adore him even more.” Ugh. I’m face down in the toilet the minute I’m done typing.
-But dinner was not all Byron had in store for his date. Or actually I should say, but dinner wasn’t all ABC had booked for Byron’s date with Tanya. They go back inside to the ballroom where none other than the world renown Chere would perform solo for them. Ummmmmm….who’s this chick and how many lounge singers turned down this offer before she took it. Is she famous or something? Never heard of her. And I spelled her name wrong because Microsoft Word just underlined Chere. There. Just did it again. How about this? Chiere. Nope. Still underlined. Cherre. Nope. Not that either. Ok, I’ll stop now.
-If the not caring about voting for Jay wasn’t enough of a panty dropper, then the singer was because she whipped out that invitation quicker than you could say “crazy suite sex”. She invites Byron to the room, and he accepts. Shocker. Tanya: “It was a time for us to just let our guards down. It was like a puzzle. We just fit.” Translation: No lubrication was needed whatsoever. Byron’s 2-for-2 as he inches closer and closer to Guiney’s record. What was that he said earlier about not coming on this show to see how many people he could become romantic with? Just checking. Didn’t know if I heard him correctly.
-Commercial. Here’s an interesting product their hocking during the “Bachelor”: L’oreal Wrinkle De-crease. No way! Did Cindy get a whole year supply of this for her appearance? The funny thing about this commercial is Claudia Schiffer is the spokesmodel. Can’t David Copperfield just make her wrinkles go away? Or they broke up, right? Can’t remember. Whatever the case, how David Copperfield ever landed Claudia Schiffer is beyond me or anyone else in this universe. I guess his optical illusions work on his genitals too. Why else would she hang with that guy? He’s creepy. Those thick eyebrows, him groping all his on stage performers, and him wearing more make-up than any man should. Never understood that one. But then again, he’s David Copperfield. Anything he does we’re not supposed to understand. See, I love magic. Always have. Have even seen Copperfield live twice and it was nuts. But should I feel stupid for enjoying magic? Shouldn’t everyone feel stupid for enjoying magic? It’s not magic. There’s nothing magic about it. It’s basically whoever has the most money to pay for their acts. The Statue of Liberty never disappeared. Ever. He’s not flying around on stage. Those are props. He has the money to purchase the better props for his tricks. I’m bothered by this. I love magic, yet I hate it. Can we just change the name of it or something? This just put me in a bad mood.
-Cheresse’s date is up next in Sausalito, California. It’s up north in the Bay area. Never been there. Looks like ABC opened up the checkbook for the first two dates then kinda cooled it when they saw the bill and made the next two somewhat local. In state, at least. Nothing happened on Cheresse and Byron’s date until they went out on the boats and that’s when he groped her. In full view of the camera. I mean, we’re talking standing behind her, wrapping his arms around her to the front, and having both hands pretty firmly cupping her breasts. She didn’t seem to mind. She hasn’t seen him in weeks.
-Byron: “Seeing Cheresse kinda rekindled what we had before.” Clue #1 to why he sent her home. “Kinda” rekindled? Translation: It didn’t rekindle a damn thing. Over dinner, these two discussed numerous topics including his previous marriage. Cheresse likes the fact he’s been married and is open enough to talk about it, since most of the boy toys that she dates don’t seem interested in talking about those things. That’s good to know. Then Byron tells us all something that I felt came out of nowhere. Byron: “The day I got married, I cried.” Huh? Where did that come from? Nobody asked you that. Oh I see, he’s trying to play the sensitive man card. Got it. Either that, or he was crying at his wedding cuz’ he realized he’d just locked himself up with a stripper. That’ll make you cry I bet.
-Then the bombshell hits, and Cheresse seals her fate. She asks Byron if he’s been in the fantasy suite with anyone else. He says, “Yes.” Cheresse then informs him she’s not that type of girl and even if this were their 3rd, 4th, or 5th date, “I still wouldn’t wouldn’t take you back to the suite because that’s not my style.” Congratulations to Cheresse. A woman with morals. A woman with ethics. And a woman who stands up for what she believes in. Unfortunately in this game, having morals and ethics and a belief system works against you, especially when it comes to giving up the ass or not giving it up. It was at this point in the date where I believe Byron lost his hard-on and all interest he ever had in Cheresse. Let’s do the math. He’s down to four. Three of them give it up. One of them not only doesn’t, but also informs him it won’t be happening within the next five dates either. Yikes. I didn’t even know they still made those kind. Let’s just move on to the next fantasy date since it was a hell of a lot more interesting.
-Finally, the Swan gets her fantasy time in Sonoma, California. Heard of it. Never been there, but ABC’s on their last dime here and found the nearest vacancy and stuck them there. Byron and the Swan begin their day getting pool massages. He asks her if she brought her bathing suit. Byron: “Did you bring your bathing suit? If you didn’t, that’s o.k. too.” Translation: I want to see you naked. At least, that’s what I got out of that comment.
-Can’t say I’ve ever had a pool massage either. What was interesting was seeing both of them getting their massages while floating on their backs. And I noticed the Swan’s implants were perfect flotation devices for her to stay afloat. They didn’t move an inch. Her doctor did an excellent job. He should be commended. So after their massages, the Swan is about to go get ready but wants Byrons opinion. Swan: “Do you want me to wear classical, whimsical, or sexy?” Byron says whimsical or sexy. I would’ve questioned his manhood if he suggested classical. I mean, the woman is basically telling you that she wants to wear practically nothing for you so that back in the suite, it’ll be much easier access. Classical dress. Please. Like Byron even knows what that is.
-They have dinner in a wine cave where the Swan tries to get a little deep with Byron. Swan: “Do you feel the same connection I do?” Byron: “Of course I do. You’re hot.” Swan: “You make me feel like a school girl.” Whoa. How did that conversation go south so quickly? A school girl? Who says that? What does a school girl feel like? When I think of school girl, I’m thinking grammar school. And most grammar school girls aren’t the most sexually active people in the world. Well, I guess nowadays they are. I don’t hang around grammar schools, so I don’t know. But back when I was in grammar school, if you were touching over the clothing, that was considered a big deal. From what I’ve heard, nowadays, 7th and 8th graders are basically…..you know what? Forget it. This is sickening. I’d rather not think about it considering how sick I already am from tonight.
-Whatever the case, if I wasn’t sick enough already, in this cave is where this incessant kissing between these two started. I don’t know where it came from, I don’t know why it started, and frankly, I wish they would stop. They look ridiculous and someone should’ve told them so. Byron keeps moving his head in and out every time he makes one kiss, and the Swan never shuts her eyes when she kisses him. Can someone take care of these two? It’s frightening the hell out of me, honestly. I’ve never seen such unexplainable behavior before.
-So with all this kissing, I mean, if there were ever two people destined for a night in the suite, it’s these two. She’s about the horniest female this show’s ever produced, and he knows it. These two had to have gone at it all night. Had to. Anyway, on the way over to the suite, the Swan asked about Byron’s ex wife. The exchange went like this:
Swan: “I’ve seen a picture of your ex-wife.”
Byron: “Why is this a subject of conversation?”
Swan: “Cuz I’m insecure.”
-And that was basically that. He wanted nothing to do with his ex-stripper, yet somehow the Swan got a hold of her picture. Hmmmmmm….which one though? Is it the one with her and Elmo? That might’ve been interesting. Or is it the one of her getting bent over a table with a man looking strikingly like Byron behind her? I thought these ladies weren’t allowed to have access to the outside world on this show. I thought they basically lock them in a cave for the six weeks they’re filming with no newspapers, cellphones, internet, or TV. How could she have seen a picture of his ex? Did it fall out of his wallet when he was reaching for his jimmy? Head scratcher.
-After their mini-fight, the Swan now knows never to ask about stripper girl again. Swan: “He assured me he’s over her and doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.” Yes, he’s over her. And she’s over him. She’s moved on to bigger and better things. Like Elmo dolls with strap-ons. If that’s what your life has become, you might as well just go kill yourself. There’s nothing else really to live for. And oh yeah, Swan and Byron have a hot tub with rose petals in their suite and her breast is already coming out the side of her dress as they maul each other on the bed. In case you didn’t notice.
-Rose Ceremony time. Host Chris in all his glory is back. “Byron…feel all right? Ready to go? Let’s do this….” Great words of encouragement. You’re a big help guy.
-Byron: “You all look beautiful…..This is the most difficult decision so far….I’m sending someone home I really got to know…..thank you all for your time….” No, thank you Byron. Getting laid three different times in a week must’ve been the time of your life. Congrats buddy. Go get em’….
Tanya: So next week, she takes him back to Plano, Texas. My old stomping grounds. For a year, at least.
Mary: Her family again? Damn, aren’t they lucky? I remember how comfortable and cozy Bob felt with her family. If it were any colder, he’d have been picking ice off his face.
-“Ladies…..Horndog…..this is the final rose tonight…when you’re ready.” He just told us this was the final rose tonight when the guy was only giving three away. That shows you what ABC thinks of their audience that they’re going to pay someone to tell us this EVERY SINGLE WEEK. I feel dumber already.
Swan: The only person in Bachelor/ette history to get in a fight on the fantasy date and still survive the Rose Ceremony.
-And here came Big Lie #2 of the night. Byron: “Cheresse choosing to not have me spend the night did not affect my decision. I had an immediate attraction to Cheresse. But that attraction kinda waned.” Translation: She’s gone because I didn’t get too sleep with her. It’s just way too convenient that the only girl who doesn’t allow the overnight, and the girl who has the morals and ethics and the will to hold out on the guy gets the boot. C’mon Byron. We know what you’re after. And it would’ve taken way too long for you to finally boink Cheresse. And that’s why she’s sent home packing. This ain’t working out for him no matter who he picks. And remember last week when I told you I know the final two and the winner is. Well, tonight’s elimination didn’t change anything. The Enquirer is still right.
-Parting words from Cheresse. “Apparently he finds something in them that he doesn’t see in me. That’s really f***ed up.” Yeah, it is. Sucks to be you. You lost out to three girls who decided that bending over for the guy was worth it enough to have their heart possibly ripped out within the next two weeks. I don’t know what to tell ya’, Cheresse. Stick to your guns. Never let a man change your morals, and ethics, and what you believe in. And someday, somewhere, God willing you’ll find a man who’ll wait until the 6th date to do the nasty. Until next week…….
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