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THE BACHELOR 6 LINKS
9.23.04
Wow. It’s great to be back. I think this since I started writing this column, the longest break I’d had was like two or three weeks. It’s been at least two months since I’ve sat up til’ the wee hours of the morning writing about a ridiculous reality dating show. But nonetheless, here we go again. And already you can tell this is going to be just a different season than season’s past. Two “older” men, supposedly more mature, and supposedly more ready for marriage than the previous five horndogs. So when the “Bachelor” series has their dinner parties and functions, will Guiney, and Firestone, and Palmer all look at Jay and Byron as outcasts? ABC can say what they want about wanting to bring in guys who actually want to get married, but let’s face it, as much as we despised the previous three perverts for being nothing other than a bunch of skirt chasers, it was a lot more interesting to watch. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’m around their ages and I could relate more. I’m not so sure about these two. Only time will tell, but it should be pretty interesting. Hell, all you need to know about these two is right there on their bios at ABC.com. In fact, in case you never saw it, I’m going to break it down for you. Let’s begin (Just a quick note: I’m typing these bios before the show even starts just to get it out of the way, so at this point, I don’t know who the ladies had chosen to stay. Please forgive me. As Jay London would say, “Thank you”).
-As for Byron, he describes himself as a “hopeless romantic, and is excited and ready to find his soul-mate, get married and have a family.” Soulmate, huh? On this show? Byron, let me help you with something. That ain’t happening. An interesting crop of girls to choose from? Yes. Soulmate? In six weeks? Good luck, angler. Now go lure in some small mouth bass. My fishing knowledge is very limited, so I’ll screw up any reference or ten. But it’ll still be funny since Byron is a professional bass fisherman. I mean, WHAT??????
-“Byron has been married once and divorced, but definitely enjoys being married more than single.” Translation: His wife ran out on him because he cared more about yellowtail than her tail. And if you believe any of the tabloids, I can’t see why he enjoyed being married. Apparently this was an ugly divorce and this guy is still being chased for some cash. (I’m not kidding, this is what these tards allowed in their bios. Brilliant).
-“He had never watched ‘The Bachelor’ before, but his friends recommended he apply, so he’s hoping that some ‘divine intervention’ has placed him at the right place at the right time.” Never watched the show before? I find that hard to believe. I don’t think it was ‘divine intervention’ that landed him on this show either. It must’ve been some cracked out intern casting director. I’m still scratching my head on this guy, and the show hasn’t started.
-“Byron is more concerned with finding a woman with whom he has a soul connection than a physical connection.” Sure he is. Aren’t we all. Why do I have a feeling that if they allowed Byron to thump his bible on the show, that he would. In the first two paragraphs of his bio, we’ve gotten “soul mate”, “divine intervention”, and “soul connection.” Oh boy.
-“Byron, graduated from the University of California at Irvine, with a degree in English, and an emphasis in philosophy. Although he did some modeling and television commercial work to have an opportunity to travel, have fun and make some money after he graduated, he has always wanted to be a professional bass fisherman, and was encouraged when he was growing up by a neighbor who taught him the sport’s finer points.” Wow. I’m speechless. There’s 792 things wrong with that last sentence. UC Irvine? There’s nothing “Irvine” about Byron whatsoever. Irvine doesn’t have rednecks. Who can blame the guy? I mean haven’t we all at some point said, “Screw making money by modeling and travelling, let’s throw out all our goals and dreams and throw another worm on this hook.” And that neighbor of his who taught him the “finer points” of the sport, should just be shot. The “finer points” of bass fishing? Exactly what would those be? I’m going to be very small minded here. I don’t care. I’ve never fished in my life. I’m only going by what I see in movies, and on television. But I’m guessing fishing sucks. Hey, whatever floats your boat. I just can’t imagine the enjoyment one can get out of getting on a boat, dropping anchor, casting your rod into the water (I said rod), sittin’ in your chair, puttin’ your feet up, and waiting to get a bite. I’d rather have a rectal exam frankly.
-This bio for the ages continues. “A two-time U.S. Open champion in 91’ and 96’ on the professional circuit, Byron conveniently lives on a lake outside of Las Vegas.” Like I said, I’m writing this before the show starts, and I haven’t seen any of the girls yet, but I’d be shocked if they chose this guy. Hell, I really want them to choose him so I can keep my fishing and mullet jokes going, but how can they. Most women they bring on this show are some what sophisticated, 95% of them are high maintenance, and 100% of them aren’t country bumpkins. Do you honestly think one of these women would want to pack up their life, and move to a lakehouse in Las Vegas?
-“A flexible schedule allows him to spend a great deal of time on the water fishing, as well as travelling, but he’s also a true outdoorsman who enjoys biking, hiking, and watching the Weather Channel." I swear to you I’m not making this up. Flexible schedule? Translation: Jobless. I’m not down with the sport of bass fishing, but golly, I’m guessing that it doesn’t pay top dollar. How could it? So that’s really all this guy does for a living? Bass fish? Professionally? And they chose him for this show, why? To make my job that much easier? Thanks. I guess. Let’s hope he fools the ladies enough with that attractive mullet that they pick him. Weather Channel, huh? Yeah. That’s a good one. What woman wouldn’t drop their pants for this hunk? What more could you ask for in a soul mate? Hey, I’m not the greatest catch in the world, but this guy?
-And finally, “…he does have one true love already – his dog, Sabrina, who’s a mix of Shar Pei and Ridgeback.” Sweet. I can’t wait, maybe, until the episode where he brings the ladies home to meet Sabrina and the ones that hate dogs pretend like they like her. That’ll make for good television.
-So there’s ol’ Byron in a nutshell. Messy divorce, apparently she wasn’t the soul mate he was looking for, lives on a lake in 130 degree heat, fishes professionally, has the “business in front, party in the back” hair going, likes the Weather Channel, and is 40. How the girls aren’t screaming, “Come to Mama” is beyond me.
-Then there’s Jay. A “successful New York residential real estate agent, who’s a romantic, and truly looking to fall in love……and he believes that marriage is something that should last forever and only be undertaken one time.” Well, nice to know ABC didn’t pick a guy that was a firm believer in polygamy. That’s a start.
-Jay’s looking for a woman who’s “generous, financially responsible, intelligent, adventurous, and someone who loves life.” Translation: This chick better not blow all my money at once. Jay also believes that “communication is the most important element of a relationship.” Wow. Where did they find this guy?! So deep. So intelligent. I’ve never heard anyone say communication is the most important part of a relationship. They must’ve scoured all the ends of the earth to find this gem. Man. This Jay is goin’ places.
-After Jay and buddy sold their business in 2002, he “took some time to travel the world and did some modeling.” I can see that. Jay reminds of someone who would be on the cover of my boxers box, modeling the latest styles. That’s Jay. Old, boxer guy. With the gray hair.
-And finally, “as a history buff, Jay is an avid fan of the History Channel and and also loves to play golf and go boating, as well as traveling internationally, when he is not selling some hot property.” Ok, what intern threw that last adjective in there? Was that really necessary? So Jay likes the History Channel, and Byron’s glued to the Weather Channel. I can imagine the spunk these two will be bringing to the table. Someone float me a Xanax and wake me when this is over.
-So here’s where the show officially begins. From here on out, I’m writing after the show has aired…..
-Host Chris greets us at a new mansion somewhere out in B.F.E. and gives us a trip down memory lane. How the “Bachelor” has seen some breakups, some promise rings, some one-way tickets, and some very public breakups. Yes, it has. And we’d like to see more please. I mean, it’s all fine and dandy when it works out, but let’s be honest, it’s almost better to see these fools claim their love for each other after six weeks, and then have a pig like Guiney lower the boom on Estella during Ryan and Trista’s wedding when he’s flirting with all the other chicks while being completely inebriated, all the while embarrassing his date in front of everyone with comments like, “My TV wife is mad at me.” Hey, that’s just what I heard. Classy guy.
-Jay and Byron arrive in separate limos having never met each other before. That’s a good thing. I can’t imagine these two have an ounce of something in common. Byron thinks Jay’s good competition. Jay has a different feel for Byron. Jay: “I was impressed. He’s an imposing guy.” Whoa, Jay. You’re here for the ladies. Byron is who you want to beat out, not who you want to bed with.
-So each guy sits in a room and watches the life recap of the other guy to get to know him better. Byron’s life story is up first. I basically explained everything in the bio, but, Byron is really happy with the fact his job consists of doing what he loves, fishing, and getting paid for it. He’s 3rd or 4th all time in career earnings on the Pro Bass Fisherman’s circuit. Watch out, ladies. Old By’s raking in a good $20 to $25k a year. And that’s after taxes. You’re marrying up ladies once you latch on to this stud muffin.
-Byron as previously mentioned, was once married, but his younger wife (I believe she was early 20’s), apparently chose the nightlife over being with him. Translation: She thought wrapping her legs around poles for $1 bills was more important than being married. I’ll get more of the scoop on his ex, but apparently it wasn’t a pretty breakup and she’s into him pretty good. Can’t wait til the ladies find out about Cinnamon, or whatever her name is.
-As the girls arrive, the men are told the ladies have no idea there are two bachelors, and no idea that the guy’s are watching them. They’ve even sealed the windows in the guy’s room so they can’t be noticed watching from behind the walls. That’s good. And I’m sure these ladies really would’ve figured that one out if the black drapes weren’t hanging from every window. Good thing they covered that. I was afraid crazy Jay was gonna come running out of the room and ruin it for everybody.
-Now it’s time to meet the “Bachelorettes”. There’s 25 of them, and I’m not about to go over all twenty five. But, of course with the help of ABC.com, I’d love to share with you the girls that stood out to me, good or bad, and maybe a little something about themselves.
Cheresse: She’s been told she’s intimidating and some men find her unapproachable. When asked if she was genuinely looking to get married, she replied, “Yes, I am.” Thank you for that wonderful answer. We’re happy to hear that. So convincing.
Cynthia: She says she’s like a ripe fruit. Ready to be eaten. Wait. She didn’t say that. The ripe fruit part she did. I made up the whole eating thing. Too early to get started on that. But she describes herself as “smart, sexy, and sassy”. Anyone who describes themselves with three adjectives all starting with the same letter give me the creeps. And our first girl with noticeable implants.
Amanda: Well, it’s good to see Estella got over Bob and has decided to re-enter herself into the “Bachelor”. Wow. Talk about a dead ringer. Very similar.
Amy: Says aren’t many guys down in San Diego are ready for a commitment. Are these same guys wearing board shorts and pooka shells at 11:00 at night walking around the Gaslamp Quarters? Thought so.
Wende: A redhead from Texas who’s jealous of women. Which is probably all she needed to fill out on her application to qualify for this show. Attractive, energy, and can cause conflict. What else does she need to get on the show?
Lisa: She knows within 3 minutes whether or not the person she’s with is the right one. Wow. She’s good. That’s impressive. She can tell in 3 minutes. Sorry, Lisa. Us men beat you. It takes us about 30 seconds to know whether or not we want to sleep with you. We’re quicker in decisions, therefore, we’re better. At what? Hell if I know. But we’re just better.
Andrea: Part of the Silicon Club as well. Might be the President for all ii know. She’s more ready to get married than any girl there. She’s already got her wedding dress made and she can’t wait to show it off. You’ll definitely melt Byron with that one.
Jayne: 37 year old dog groomer. While the guys are watching these videos, Byron points out beautiful she is. She’s already Byron’s favorite. And the fact she’s a dog groomer probably doesn’t hurt considering the fact if marrying your pets were legal, Byron and Sabrina would already have puppies together.
Leina: She wants 4 children. And she calls herself “outgoing, spontaneous, and energetic.” When given three words to describe themselves, people who use three words that are exactly the same give me the creeps.
Abby: She doesn’t like to tell guys off the bat that she’s acrobat. She says she gets a lot of strange, inappropriate questions. Really? Like, “Hey, so can you like bend every which way during sex?” You mean, questions like that? I never would’ve guessed.
Melinda: She’s 39. That’s it. I’ve nothing else to say about her other than she’s 39 and by far the oldest contestant we’ve ever had. Even though both guys are 40, I’m guessing Melinda won’t be around too long.
Ashley: She admits to being married before. It was a great experience, but it just wasn’t the guy for her. Hey, maybe her and Byron have something in common now? I wonder if her man left to join “Thunder Down Under” (If you’ve never been to Vegas, you wouldn’t understand. I’ve never seen it, but, you know, the pictures are everywhere….forget I even brought it up).
Kelly: One of the more disturbing contestants out of the twenty-five. Since when do they allow you to bring your pets on this show? Who the hell does she think she is, Paris Hilton? This dog is gonna really start to get to me. Did we get a name on this mut yet, or did I miss it? And back away from the plastic surgery on the face woman. Must’ve cost a fortune.
-Out of our collection of twenty five bachelorettes, I’d say at least half were supporting a good $2,000-3,000 worth of breast jobs. And enough cc’s of botox that would even make Marty Okland jealous. Wow. The combined botox usage is mind blowing.
-Commercial. Diane Sawyer has nailed an exclusive interview with Jennifer Lopez, Richard Gere, and someone else. Great. Can’t wait to see it. I wonder if she asks J-Lo what it’s like to be married 3 times, before the age of 28, or whatever she is. Not to mention being engaged to Mr. Affleck and that not going through either. Stable girl. And then of course the kicker was hearing the announcer say, “Diane asks Richard Gere about sex.” With women, I assume? Or is she gonna delve deeper into his fixation with gerbils. Hey, that rumor’s been going around for years, so she might as well confront the guy on it. Just think, if he answers it, he has a chance to squash all the rumors. If not, people like me who love to believe it to be true, will continue to do so. Might as well answer it.
-The girls are brought outside to the pool to lounge around, begin talking s**t about each other, and soak up the sun. Little did they know that they’d be meeting the bachelors that day, after they’ve been watching them this whole time. Some girls freaked out. One girl was totally unprepared. She didn’t have her makeup on, her hair wasn’t done, etc. It was awful. How could they do this to her? We were almost in complete meltdown mode and neither guy hadn’t come out yet.
-So they bring Jay out first to a very calm reception. Maybe that was a sign of things to come. Jay really didn’t seem to get the girls to fired up. One girl, Lisa, even called him “Richard Gere’ish”. Five minutes and I’ve already gotten two Richard Gere references. I didn’t even know this guy still made movies and now all the sudden he’s all over my TV screen. Jay looks nothing like Richard Gere. And if I had to guess, Jay doesn’t seem the least bit turned on by small, furry-like hamsters. Just answer the question, Richard.
-Out comes Byron which brings an even bigger shock to the women’s faces. Byron seems to elicit a little bit bigger response, which could’ve been taken as another sign. Or, it could’ve been a sign that they were in complete horror of his mullet. Byron may not have the typical mullet of short in front, long in back, but he’s definitely sporting some sort of mullet. The fact that this guy was constantly pulling his hair back behind his ears for the remainder of the show was enough for me. Mullet Boy has by far the longest hair of any “Bachelor” thus far. Unacceptable. But let’s face it. He lives on a lake house in Las Vegas and fishes for a living. C’mon. Are we surprised at the haircut, really?
-The ladies are told that they will decide who will be the “Bachelor” this season with a first ever “Ladies Choice Rose Ceremony”. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!! That was pretty much their reaction. So now they had a little time to mingle with Jay and the Kentucky Waterfall to see who they liked best. This was very FLOM-ish of ABC to do this season. Would’ve been an intriguing twist if we hadn’t seen it 2 months ago on “For Love or Money”. But whatever.
-Commercial. Very shocking to see a birth control pill commercial during this show. It was for Ortho Tri Cyclin. Apparently you can buy the “Lo” or “High” birth control pills. I didn’t realize there was such a thing. Which is the one that doesn’t give your significant other mood swings at the snapping of a finger? They should just stick with that one. I don’t know what the “Lo” or “High” means, or how one determines which one they should be taking, but how about a pill that just comes in one level, and that level prevents you from getting pregnant 99.9% of the time? Is that too much to ask? Now we’re giving levels of pregnancy pills? Great.
-So as Jay and the Neckwarmer are pimping themselves to the girls, Neckwarmer tells them about his previous divorce and says, “Frankly, I think marriage should be illegal if you’re not at least 28 or 30.” Wow. I’m sure Amanda, Amy, Kristin, Krysta, Leina, Nicole, and Wende were all thrilled to hear that considering they're all 28 or younger. Way to pin yourself in a corner, Mudflap. An interesting view on marriage.
-As for Jay, he expresses he’s interested in having kids within a year and a half of getting married, and would not consider marrying someone that doesn’t want kids. Now that I can deal with. That makes sense. If that’s what the guy believes, that’s what he believes. I don’t think you can call the guy crazy for admitting to that. Outlawing marriage before 28? Easy there, 10/90. Probably not gonna be passing that law anytime soon.
-Commercial. Very shocking to see a Botoxcosmetic.com commercial first up during this break. They definitely need their airtime on this show. Although, most of these women have already had their faces yanked back behind their ears, so maybe it’s not as necessary to run these ads. Whatever the case, when do we get to see hidden cameras in the bathrooms watching the shots of cc’s getting loaded into their foreheads? That could replace any catfight in terms of entertainment value.
-Krysta is trying to recruit certain girls who are on the fence to vote for Jay. This should’ve been another sign that Hockey Hair was going to end up winning. They spent an awful lot of time showing the girls who were picking Jay. Seemed like Jay was a shoe-in from what they showed. Then of course, in true reality TV fashion, Jay got boatraced in the voting to throw everyone off.
-Time to vote. The guys turned their back so they didn’t get to see who did and didn’t vote for them. Yellow rose meant Jay. White rose meant Canadian Passport. Majority wins. In Survivor-like fashion, they only showed about 8-10 of the girls choices because they wanted to make it dramatic for us when Host Chris pulled the roses from the box. Which was enlightening television, I tell ya.’
-Commercial. So Diane Sawyer gets to corner Richard Gere on his gerbil habit, and now Barbara Walters gets a sit down with Mary Kay Loterneau, the skank who banged her 12 year old student, got pregnant with him twice, is now out of jail, and back banging him again. How in the world did this woman ever pass a school district’s psychological exam? 12 year old student? When I was twelve, hell, we all had crushes on our teachers at some point, but none of us ever thought of bending her over our desks? None of us actually ever thought that apple we brought in would lead to foreplay, did we? What was it like for this guy? He’s twelve, and he’s screwing the teacher AND getting her pregnant. How popular was he? By no means am I condoning this, but man, this guy probably had it made back in the day. I think he only got her pregnant once while she was his teacher, then the scandal broke out, she went to jail, got out early for something, then he knocked her up again. I gotta see this interview. What does this woman have to say for herself? Fascinating stuff. And you thought Richard Gere was sick.
-Back from commercial, and Host Chris has suddenly turned into Jeff Probst. He will now read the votes. “Once the votes have been read, the decision is final, and you must bring me your torch immediately. I’ll now tally the votes.” Ok, he didn’t say that. But he could’ve. Host Harrison did a hell of a Probst imitation. Giving us the running tally after about every two roses pulled. In fact, I counted, out of the 20 roses he pulled, he gave us the score 10 times. It was 2-1 Jay, 4-2 Jay, tied at 4, 7-4 Byron, 8-5 Byron, 9-7 Byron, 10-7 Byron, 11-7 Byron, 12-7 Byron, and 13-7 Byron. Majority won and we never got to hear the last 5 votes. I was shocked it was that much of a landslide. Not based on what they showed, I just figured most of these women were high maintenance enough to where Superman’s Cape’s lifestyle didn’t really fit into their plans, and most of them wouldn’t want to pick up and move to a lake house with their Professional Bass Fisherman husband. Call me crazy.
-So after the voting, the girls wondered aloud how Skullet was going to treat the girls who didn’t vote for him? Would they get singled out and be eliminated tonight, or would he overlook that and start from scratch? That’s what I was wondering before the show, but it didn’t turn out to be that big of deal anyway. Achey-brakey Big Mistakey decided he’d give the girls a clean slate and it didn’t matter who they voted for.
-Let the catfighting begin. Apparently our big instigator this season will be Krysta the Egghead. Blonde girl, not that attractive, and has a head shaped like an egg. Hence the rather easy nickname. So Egghead seems to have a real problem with Kristie, who she thinks is ugly, and she doesn’t know whether she’s a man or a woman. That’s good to establish on day one. Start showing all the other girls your shallow side. That’ll really earn you tons of friends. Apparently she doesn’t care, and she’s here to win Ape Drape’s heart. Even though she voted for Jay. How quickly one changes her tune. Considering all the airtime Krysta got in this first episode, I’m guessing she’s gonna be around for a little bit. Why? I have no idea. But they don’t devote that much camera time to a person who isn’t around long.
-Shorty-longback heads back to his hotel for a little R&R before going back to meet up with the ladies. I like how they put him up at the local Motel 6. What a crappy room. You’d figure they’d at least hook our bachelor up with some nice digs, maybe a suite or something. Nope. Just the standard room with the single bed, the coffee table over to the side, the ridiculously loud air conditioner strapped to the wall, the TV with about 7 channels including Spanktravision, and the room service with charges $4.75 for a shot glass of orange juice. At least hook the Beaver Paddle up with a nice decked out mobile home if you can’t put him up in a suite.
-So the Redneck’s Anti-Burn arrives at the house to mingle with the ladies and already it’s started. Yes, be prepared because I’m sure we’ll get a lot of them: Fishing references. Our first one: “He’s fishin’ for the babes!” Oh god. Please stop. How many of these do I have to hear? Let’s just get them out of the way now. “He’s luring me in”, “Byron, throw me a line”, “I hope he drops anchor in me”. Woops. Ok. Maybe not. But you get the point. Except a full season of those. Another one: “He kisses like a fish.”
-Egghead is at it again: “I don’t care if I do something that makes the other girls mad. I’m here for only one purpose, and that’s to get this guy.” Wow. She seems genuine. Didn’t say to get married. Didn’t say to find her soul mate. Didn’t say to fall in love. Said she’s here to “get this guy”. The guy that she didn’t even want to be here. Oh, Egghead will play a major role this season.
-Leina the Polynesian girl presented the Camaro Cut with a lei, which is standard in her culture. Oh boy. More bad cliches. “Byron just got lei’ed. Tee hee hee.” Enough already. It’s bad enough the fishing references will be coming at an alarming clip. We don’t need bad lei jokes. Just stop.
-Some of the girls sit down the Soccer Rocker and ask what a day in his life consists of. He gives them the, “When I’m on tour? Or when I’m off-tour?” response. Oh please. You’re not a rock star. “Touring” country bass fishing is nothing to crayon home about. Here’s a question: There’s obviously a difference between practice and a game when it comes to other sports, right? Well, what’s the difference between fishing, and practicing fishing? Isn’t it all the same? Either you’re fishing, or you’re not. There’s no practice involved with this. I guess there’s “gameday” when he’s actually competing for money, but on that day, he’s doing the same exact thing as he’s doing if he’s just out on his boat on Sunday afternoon. He’s fishing. Probably wearing the same bad gear both days, probably catching the same amount of fish, etc. I just don’t get it. How can he possibly make a living off this?
-Andrea is our first real meltdown of the show. This chick is so enamored with the Tennessee Top Hat, that she excuses herself to start balling. When the girls ask what’s wrong, she replies, “Nothing. It’s just that Byron represents everything I’m looking for in a husband.” Wow-ee. She’s either crazy, lubed up, or both. Just like Amy said to the camera, how can she be this attached to this guy when she just met him this afternoon? I wonder if Andrea becomes a stalker this season? Definitely seems to be holding the characteristics.
-Commercial. Dr. Phil is everywhere. This guy’s genius parlaying a couple of Oprah appearances to be the most talked about doctor anywhere. Anyway, he’s got another one of his 2 hour special shows talking about serial killers or something, and apparently some mom is having trouble with her kid, so he spends a day with her son, then we get to see the clip of him telling mom, “Most common serial killers display about 11 different types of qualities. Your son possesses seven of those.” Gee, thanks for the help Doc. Could you make me feel any better? How would you like to hear that coming from the Doctor? “Is my son o.k.? Will he be able to play on the jungle gym with the others and lead a normal childhood?” “Well, frankly no. Your son looks to be in the early stages of becoming the next Charles Manson. That’ll be $2,000.” Brutal.
-The Squirrel Pelt continues to size up the ladies. He pulls Cheresse aside. I haven’t heard any spoilers whatsoever on this show yet, so this is a complete guess, but, if Cheresse doesn’t win this thing, she’ll at least be part of the final three. Definitely seems his type. She’s attractive, she liked his answers, and apparently she doesn’t mind a husband who smells like fish guts.
-Egghead continues her rampage: “When people cross me, I can become a total bitch.” Really? They have to cross you for this to happen? Seems to me you were being a bitch without anyone provoking you earlier when you called out Kristie for being a man when all she was doing was sunbathing by herself. Even though she will, I hope she doesn’t last another week. What a beyotch.
-I think next episode I’m going to start counting over the course of sixty minutes how many times the Missouri Compromise pulls his hair back behind his ears. What a chick. Cut that hair. I hate it. It’s already bothering me and we haven’t got to the first Rose Ceremony.
-First Rose Ceremony. Whew. Thank God. Host Chris has some words for the ladies first. “Seven of you didn’t extend a rose to Byron last night. If you feel this is not someone you would want to be with, please do not accept his rose.” So that means if Chris would’ve kept pulling out roses, Kentucky Waterfall had the last five roses in the box. He won 18-7. Wow. Never would’ve guessed that.
-Let’s get down to business. Our fifteen “winners”. That’s right. No deliberation room. No video messages. No “Pick me!” photos. Good.
Cheresse: The fact she was picked first solidifies she’s going far.
Wende: Very perky redhead. Basically bounced up there to get her rose.
Tanya: Someone that picked Jay.
Leina: Another one that picked Jay. But she lei’ed Byron, so what does he care?
Kelly: What? No dog at the ceremony? How’d she manage?
Jayne: 37 year old dog groomer. She’ll be around a while too.
Natalie: Who?
Elizabeth: Wow. Token black chick gets another week.
Krysta: The Egghead hasn’t cracked yet.
Amanda: Good to see Estella’s gotten over Bob and is ready to move on. And wolves started howling in the background as she was receiving her rose. Where the hell are they?
Kristie: The manly chick who owns her own bar. And Krysta’s public enemy #1.
Suzie: She had dogs barking in the background picking up her rose. Wonder if that was a sign?
Cindy: “Whew! What took so long?” Oh, I don’t know. Probably because you were one of the last ones on his list.
Ashley: Who?
-“Ladies, Super Cuts #4, this is the final rose of the night.” He’s at it again.
Andrea: In her final plea to him, she demonstrated with a strawberry how her heart felt when he walked in the room. Then they ate it. I see a rabbit and boiling pan in her future.
-So this season’s previews show a lot of crying, backstabbing, bitching, crying, and more backstabbing. El Camino moves into the ladies house right away so everyone’s under the same roof, we see the return of two former “bachelorette” contestants that the women are none too happy with (let the guessing game begin), and we’re treated to shots of the South County Bi-Level making out with, I counted, 9 different women. Maybe he is another Guiney. Let’s hope so. Until next week…..
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