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SEASON FINALE 11.24.04
Did we ever think the day would come where the “National Enquirer” would be the place to go for the latest gossip in reality TV? Have they ever been wrong? About anything? Doesn’t seem like it. That’s 3 seasons in a row where they’ve spoiled the winner at least a month in advance. I think reality TV is running into this sort of problem. It is literally IMPOSSIBLE to keep these pre-taped outcomes secret. It just can’t be done. All it takes for some intern who works on one of these shows, and has nothing better to do with his life, then to run to a tabloid, or tell someone who tells a tabloid what the outcome is. And there’s really no way to prove who did it, really. Which is what makes “American Idol” so popular I believe. Despite what people say about it, it draws monster ratings every single season, and a lot of it has to do with the fact it’s not done months in advance. People like the fact that they don’t know what happens from week to week. Most Americans have about a 6 second attention span nowadays, so if they know the outcome, chances are they aren’t going to invets too much time into the show. And “American Idol” and “Big Brother” are really the only reality shows that are done in real time and not taped in advance. Ok, enough of that diatribe. Let’s get to last night’s finale, and boy there’s a lot. I thought I only took notes on important stuff and I’ve got a full page and a half on legal paper worth of junk. Oh boy….
-So it started with Byron’s parents arriving at the mansion. They are divorced and live at “separate ends of the country.” I don’t know how many of you are college football fans, and considering probably 95% of the people who read this column are women, I’m guessing none of you know who I’m going to say Byron’s dad looks like. Well, take my word for it. Byron’s dad is a spitting image of Purdue Head Coach Joe Tiller. Spitting image. Anyway, Byron’s pops and mom arrive in the limo and it was like they were married for 50 years and still happy. No fighting, no bickering, no punches thrown. They were very civil. And very old. Then again, Byron’s 40, so I should expect them to be old. But they were old. Old and nice, how’s that?
-Byron’s mom Joan knows her son has been around the block. Joan: “Byron’s had lots of different kinds of experiences in his life.” Translation: Byron’s run the mill on every type of girl you could be with. Except a white woman, based on what we’ve seen. I mean, look at the two girls that we know about: ex-wife Irene, and ex-girlfriend/psycho/ernie-doll-lover Gwen. Let’s just say when Byron sat down for dinner last night with Mary’s parents, I wasn’t there and I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I’m guessing he went with the dark meat. Just a guess.
-Mary’s parents arrive at her hotel, and it’s here where we’re supposed to believe Mary makes the decision whether or not to introduce them to Byron. Uhhhh, didn’t you just fly them all the way from Florida? We’re supposed to believe after meeting with them she’ll actually send them on the first flight back home? Please. And I’d love to relay their conversations to you, but since madre and padre don’t speak a lick of English, we were relegated to subtitles. And I can’t write that fast. I was waiting for the message at the bottom of the screen to ask us to switch to Telemundo for this portion of the show. But they were too busy passing out the phone number to call to be the next Bachelor. I found that odd since the National Enquirer has already reported the next Bachelor is going to be a celebrity. So why would they want applications? Please don’t tell me that means we have two “Bachelor” seasons left. God help us.
-So after mulling it over for a whole three seconds, Mary decides to allow her parents to meet Byron, knowing full well that could be greatly disappointed. Not by the fact that she could get dumped again, but that Byron’s an even bigger nipple than that pig Guiney. The looks on their faces upon meeting Byron: priceless. If they actually had one of those bubbles above their head, it probably would’ve read “This guy is much more of a redneck than that fatty she brought home before. And how come his hair is longer and greasier than mine?” I can’t imagine Mr. & Mrs. Delgado were overly thrilled with what they saw. Long haired fisherman who lives 3,000 miles away. Hey, maybe they were impressed. But I’m guessing not.
-As for Byron, he knew he had some impressing to do immediately, so he broke out the first-semester-freshman-year-first-week-of-class-Spanish dialect and wow’ed them with, “Hola! Como estas?” Whoa. Goin’ out on a limb there pal. How about just going with the proverbial, “Tu es muy bonita”? Or how about “Juan y Maria es muy hambre?” And if my Spanish grammar was wrong, please forgive me. I was horrible at conjugating verbs. Probably because I didn’t pay attention in class and spent most of my time being a clown. I’m sure Senora Kaulig would be very proud today. Hey, even I’m impressed I remembered my first Spanish teacher’s name. She hated me. Shocker, huh? Yeah, I wasn’t too much of a smart ass in high school at all. I think that’s where my career officially started heading south. Freshman year Spanish class. And the minute Carrie Carranza rejected my advances towards her for the 10th time, I was a mess. For four years I tried to get a date with that girl and it never happened. The one time I thought I had a chance, it was at a school dance, I got one dance with her, and by the end of the night, her face was stuck together with some other guy. Therapy only lasted about a month.
-So Byron, Mary, and both sets of parents sit down for dinner and conversation. Mary played the role of translator, and Byron had the “This-is-going-to-be-so-much-fun-at-family-functions-when-these-people-are-my-in-laws” face going the whole time. Every single sentence needed to be translated. If I was getting sick of it, just imagine what Byron was going through. So Mary’s dad asks a question in Spanish that literally took Mary five minutes to translate. It ended up being, “What were you looking for out of all this?” Really? That’s what dad asked? And it took you that long to spit out? How do we know he even asked that? Maybe he was asking Byron when the first time they plan on conceiving a child is. I could’ve translated that quicker with my Spanish-to-English dictionary. I don’t remember what Byron’s answer was. That wasn’t the point. The point was Mary seemed to change around the question her dad asked.
-So Joan pulls Mary aside for some alone time with her future daughter-in-law just to make sure she’s the right one for ol’ fisher boy. Mary breaks it all down for Joan. Mary: “It’s crazy to say, but I’m falling in love with your son. I haven’t said that to anybody.” Really? Well, if Bob would’ve asked you to see his family, I’m sure you would’ve told them the same thing as well. Am I right? For a guy who hasn’t been on in over a year, Bob got a lot of run during this season. And I’m sure his ego is handling it very well. He actually had the nerve to say in a recent magazine interview, something to the effect of, “I’ve heard I’ve been brought up a few times this season.” Yeah, sure you didn’t know buddy. I guarantee you probably put it in your contract that your name would have to be mentioned at least once during the every remaining series of the “Bachelor”.
-While Mary is away with Joan, Byron and pops are trying to carry on a conversation with Mary’s parents, and by some miracle, Byron the bilingual can now understand Spanish. Mr. Delgado asked him “What kind of fishing do you do?” Byron: “Tournament.” Great answer. Can we elaborate just a tad more please? How about “tournamente”? That could really impress them? I mean after all, when you knocked them off their feet with “Hola! Como esta?”, you were pretty much their favorite thing in the world. Keep the three word Spanish sentences going. Gotta win over the family. Remember, Bob fooled them, and Mary doesn’t need you doing the same.
-Byron’s Dad (when speaking about Mary): “I don’t see any negatives. You have my vote.” So this is “American Idol” now? No one cares about your vote, and I find it really disturbing this guy cast his vote without seeing the second “contestant”. I’m sure Tanya was thrilled to see that the other night. “Gee, dad’s already got his mind made up about Mary. Looks great for me. Glad they put on a fake smile and engaged in fake conversation when his vote was already in.” And let’s be honest, is there truly anyone out there with no negatives? How about the one negative staring you right in the eye…you can’t even carry a conversation with her parents! That’ll make for some chatty Thanksgiving dinners.
-Commercial. Although it already passed since you’re reading this after Thanksgiving, “Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving” and “The Grinch” were on last night. I didn’t watch them obviously because “Survivor” and “Apprentice” were on (“Reality Roundup” talks about both), but, just out of curiosity, did they clear up yet exactly what Peppermint Patty’s sexuality is? That’s a very mysterious cartoon character. Is that really appropriate for young children? Why does she call Lucy “Sir”? What’s next, Bert and Ernie are gay too? Oh wait, that’s already been determined as well. The minute I hear Elmo is bisexual, I’m going to get fixed so I can never have kids. Ok, maybe not. Although it is a reversable procedure. Just not something I’d really be looking forward to do.
-Next up to meet ma’ and pa’ Velvick is Tanya’s mom, Peggy. Peggy meets Tanya at the hotel and they gossip about Byron before going over. Tanya says her dad cannot make it because of work issues. Translation: My dad thinks this show is stupid. Don’t feel bad, dad. Most other people do as well. Especially this season since it’s been the lowest rated one to date. There are two trains of thought on that. Number one, people aren’t interested in watching 40 year olds date. Or, the concept of the show is old, it’s basically the same thing every season, and people are getting sick of it. I think it’s more the former than the latter, because I guarantee the Jen Schefft “Bachelorette” will outdraw this one. People know who she is and they like her. I think the older crowd in this one, and the fact there wasn’t much appealing about Byron had a lot to do with the ratings decline. But that’s the TV executive in me talking. Maybe people are sick of it.
-Since Tanya hasn’t been allowed to talk anyone while she’s there, she fills Mom in on all the goodies. Tanya: “Well, his name is Byron, and he’s forty years old.” Mom: “Really?” Tanya: “Yes, he’s older. And that’s a good thing.” Mom: (Silence). Apparently Tanya’s mom didn’t want her dating older guys. Wasn’t too thrilled with that one. Wait mom, it gets better. Tanya: “…and he’s a bass fisherman, professionally.” Mom: “What an interesting profession.” Translation: And you’re considering marrying this pud? I haven’t even met him and I don’t like him. Mothers are very protective of their children, and especially in this case. Good for Peggy. She wasn’t the only one who saw her daughter headed for disaster possibly marrying this 40 year old pervert with ex-girlfriend and ex-wife problems.
-So when Tanya and her mom come to the house to meet the family, Byron’s grinning from ear to ear. This makes dad happy. Dad: “This is a different Byron Paul. I haven’t seen this one in a couple years since the divorce. The divorce was tough on him.” You don’t say? Never thought that for a second. Especially after he almost bit Cindy’s head off after she told him she saw a picture of her. He seems to be really comfortable discussing his past. No problem. The tabloids do a much better job of it. Maybe that’s another reason they don’t let any of the ladies have any touch with the outside world during the filming. Because God knows 25 women probably would’ve walked out on the show after scanning the internet for five minutes and finding pictures of Byron in hot tubs with two girls, ex-girlfriends pleasuring themselves with stuffed animals, and then seeing that same ex-girlfriend now having a restraining order against her. How would ABC have covered up the fact that no one was interested in this guy anymore and everyone walked out of the mansion? That might’ve been a tough one to sell.
-Tanya and her mom though did something that neither Mr or Mrs. Delgado did- they brought gifts. They gave Byron’s mom a bouquet of flowers and Byron’s dad a bottle of wine. That’s the way to do it. Get em’ all loopy at dinner so they automatically like you. I was thinking, “You know, why didn’t Mary’s parents do that for him?” And the answer seemed rather obvious. Uh, they hate the show too. The last thing two non-English speaking parents wanted to do was to go on national television for a second time and carry on conversation with a potential son-in-law they didn’t like. “Screw the flowers and wine. Ain’t getting us anywhere, we don’t even want to be here. Get us off this show now.”
-I can’t remember who asked it, but one of Byron’s parents asked Tanya, “What do you think of Byron’s job?” The sweet, caring, possible bride-to-be did the diplomatic thing and lied. Tanya: “Sounds good to me.” Really? Fishing all day sounds good to you? Him being gone a lot is a good way to start off the marriage? The psycho ex’s and him out on the road chasing tail is the ideal partner you’re looking for? Hmmmm…maybe I was wrong about women. For some reason, even after watching the “After the Final Rose”, I never got the impression that Tanya was too crushed that Byron didn’t pick her. Sure she was upset that she got to the final two and didn’t make it, and I’m sure there were feelings developed, but I think once it was over, she probably realized that those two wouldn’t have lasted. I don’t think Byron seemed to be her type. They come from two different worlds. Byron would’ve needed Tanya more than Tanya would need him. Tanya’s too good for Byron anyway. I honestly think he fits better in Mary’s world than hers. More on that later.
-Dad (to Tanya): “You’re 31 years old, you’re a good looking lady, why aren’t you married?” Geez pops, back off. Quit hitting on Tanya in front of your ex-wife. Maybe she hasn’t met the right man yet. I mean, is it ok to be in your early 30’s and not already be attached to someone? Quit being Mr. Judgmental for someone you just met eight minutes ago. Just because your son has had a failed marriage already doesn’t mean everyone else has to. Like father, like son. Dad again: “She would do wonders for that boy.” All right, someone yank this pervert off the show. That’s totally uncalled for. That’s not right. Hey, Viagara boy, Tanya’s here for your son. Your son is bringing a potential daughter-in-law home to meet you. Why don’t you be on your best behavior and pipe down over there, huh?
********WE STEP AWAY MOMENTARILY FOR AN UPDATE ON STEVE’S TURKEY BOWL GAME PLAYED YESTERDAY*********
-Yes, my team ended up pulling out the win, 8 touchdowns to 6. Good news is, we won. Bad news is, it took us 2 hours and 15 minutes to do so. After the first hour, the score was 2-1. So basically in the 2nd hour, people started losing interest really quick and any 5 yard pass got turned into an 80 yard touchdown because no one wanted to play defense anymore. Hey, it happens every year. We’re used to it. Coates actually caught a touchdown this year, AND had an interception. No, hell hasn’t frozen over yet. Sauce made it seem like the players he recruited for his team were world class athletes. Far from it. The guy in the “Vick” jersey couldn’t have been any less a Michael Vick clone if he tried. Short, fat, white, and couldn’t play football. Other than that, I thought he was the 2nd coming. I had two picks, a touchdown, and I threw two interceptions. Hey, one was tipped, that shouldn’t count. Todd talked all week about how he was going to be Daunte Culpepper and he ended up playing more like Craig Krenzel. He overthrew almost every receiver out there. Of course, he’ll claim it hit them in the hands, but we all know the truth. Ok, I realize none of you know who or what the hell I’m talking about, but I thought I should let you know what happened yesterday. Just know we won.
********WE NOW RETURN TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED COLUMN******
-Mom pulls Tanya aside for one-on-one time. Mom: “So what stands out about Tanya?” Tanya: “Well, we’ve had a connection since the beginning.” Awwwwww…..season finale and we almost made it without the word “connection” being used. But she had to do it. Had to pull it out in front of ol’ mom’s. But wait, mom isn’t done. Mom: “What if Byron presents you with a rose and an engagement ring?” Tanya: “I’d feel great. I look forward to raising children. He’d make a wonderful husband and father.” So basically exactly what Mary said to a certain extent. Tanya also threw in she was falling in love with her son. And she earned brownie points with Mom on this one. Tanya: “And I respect you very much for the way you raised him.” Good one. That had to make mom feel good especially since the last two women Byron’s brought home have been whores. At least you assured her she hasn’t been a complete failure raising her son.
-So as they sit down to dinner, Byron gives a mini toast. Byron: “Here’s to Christmas in Texas.” Boooooooooooooo. There was no doubt during the “After the Final Rose” that this was going to get brought up, and it was by one of Tanya’s friends. I actually think I understand what Byron was trying to say, but he just said it wrong. He should’ve prefaced it with, “Here’s to possibly many Christmas’s in Texas.” When you don’t throw “possibly” in there, kinda gives people the wrong message like you’ve made up your mind already and you can’t wait to be with Tanya in Texas. Right idea, wrong words. Byron isn’t the greatest in choosing his words correctly. At all.
-Commercial. In previewing the upcoming weeks in ABC’s programming, we get to see a clip of “Hope and Faith”, which is an appropriate title for a show that’s lasted much longer than it should’ve. Anyway, one of the guest appearances on the show will be by none other than David Silver himself, Brian Austin Green. This is newsworthy. Brian Austin Green is back on TV. Stop the presses. Where do I begin? So he’s dating Tiffani Amber Theissen while doing “The O” (cool lingo for “90210”. Don’t be jealous), dumps her, then starts dating Vanessa Marcil, and is now married to her and they have a kid. Tiffani Amber Theissen and Vanessa Marcil. So exactly when are they erecting a statue of this guy? Not bad. Could certainly do worse. Is David going to rap on “Hope and Faith?” I sure hope he does. Those were the days when David thought he was a brotha’ and laid down those horrible rhymes. I mean, it was bad enough Jamie Walter tried to boost his career going on the show, but they also tried to promote David as well. I saw somewhere a long time ago, they had an interview with Jamie Walter, and he basically was pissed at the producers for the way they portrayed his character, Ray Pruitt. The guy’s trying to promote an album in real life and on the show, he’s portrayed as this violent boyfriend with a lush for a mother, and he likes to push his girlfriend down stairs. Jamie wasn’t too thrilled with that. Uhhh dude, it’s a TV show. If you honestly think that was hurting your career, you’ve got another thing coming. Maybe it had more to do with the fact your music blew. Whatever. The guy obviously got to some producer since when they brought him back, he was a new man, had a new girlfriend, and apologized to Donna for chucking her down the stairs in Palm Springs. I think I could write a book on the “The 0”.
-Now it’s time for the ladies to head to Byron’s hometown and meet his friends. Tanya will be in Lake Mead first where she’ll meet Mike, Monica, Jason, and Carrie. Two married couple and best friends of Byron’s. It was pretty much the same ol’, same ol’ in terms of meeting the friends. Nothing real extravagant at all. Same dumb questions, same canned answers, blah blah blah. So Monica pulls Tanya aside for some grilling. Well, not grilling, but I think she just wanted to spend a little more time with Tanya, get to know her on a different level, and basically to compare boob jobs. You could almost see the silicone almost magnetizing itself with these two. It was like they were drawn to each other so they had to break away from the pack and talk one-on-one.
-Monica: “If I could draw a picture of Bryon’s perfect mate, it would be you.” I wonder if she said that to Gwen too. Or did Byron even introduce Gwen to his friends? I wouldn’t. Especially if he respected their opinion. So, when drawing this picture of Byron’s perfect mate, was she talking body wise, with the chest and the butt and the complete package, or was she basically talking in general? This wasn’t really specified. Would’ve liked to have known that. Monica: “In the past, Byron’s been with girls who’ve been way too high maintenance. You seem very low maintenance, and that’s good.” Byron? With high maintenance women? You so crazy. Whoever would’ve thought that? C’mon. Like we didn’t know that. All strippers are high maintenance. They’re also cokeheads. But of course, they’ll tell you that they’re only doing this to “put themselves through college”. Sure you are, honey. Doesn’t one semester class at a JC run like $13? You can make that in one sitting on some old, horny, chain-smoking, Asian dude.
-After Tanya’s visit with the friends, he takes her out fishing. This is where it got a little X-rated if you ask me. Tanya: “I loved seeing Byron in his element. It was fun watching Byron tossing off.” I meant, “casting off”. But it sure sounded like “tossing off”. In fact, let’s go back to the tape (head downstairs, turn on TV, sift through TiVo, don’t need “Naughty Nurses” anymore, “Bikini Airlines” I can save until a later date, oh, here it is, “The Bachelor”. Fast forward, blah blah blah, “….one of America’s most eligible bachelors..”, blah blah blah, “…I’m falling in love with your son…”, blah blah blah, “….there’s something about Mary…”, blah blah blah, “…I’m falling in love with your son….”, blah blah blah, “….here’s to Christmas in Texas….”, blah blah blah, ok, now we’re there. Tanya: “I loved seeing Byron in his element. It was fun watching Byron casting off”). Dammit! All that to find out she wasn’t being kinky. Oh well. Although they did start doing a lot of kissing with his pole in her hand. That did happen.
-Byron took Tanya back to his place to show off all his fishing trophies or something. This was a fascinating night. Watching these two on the couch, seeing how far they’d come since the beginning of the show, remembering back to their first solo date in the car/boat, and now seeing them staring into each other’s eyes lovingly, it was quite a touching moment and could only bring one thought to my mind: Who is actually fixing their hair more here? I think Byron in a landslide. For God sakes, get a comb or just put the thing in a pony tail. Tucking your hair behind your ears every four seconds can’t make the greatest impression on a woman, can it? How girly.
-Mary’s turn to meet the friends, and she’s dressed to the nine’s in her camouflage tank top. Is she in the army now? Anyway, her and Byron’s day got off to a rousing start. Mary: “How was yesterday?” Byron: “It was great.” Gee, way to be subtle there, big guy. I’m sure that’s exactly what Mary wanted to hear. You don’t need to lie and say you had a horrible time, but just play it off like it was any other day. Why not just tell her that Tanya watched you toss off into the ocean and you cleaned her teeth with your tongue as she held your pole?
-Byron’s friends loved seeing Mary in the final two. Why? They’re big “Bachelor” fans and she was one of their favorites. Especially Jason’s. Jason: “This was Mary from the previous ‘Bachelor’. I liked her.” Oh I bet you did you little horndog. Calm down. This is Byron’s slam now, not yours. So of course, every question asked of Mary referenced her first time on the show, and how she felt when Plump Bob dumped her because he wasn’t ready to conceive a child. It’s amazing that even if Byron and Mary do end up getting married, that woman will be forever linked to Bob Guiney of all people. Let it go, people. That was two seasons ago and Bob has already married the chick he was messing around with while still with Estella.
-Of course, Byron’s friend Mike didn’t watch previous “Bachelors” with his pants down like Jason did, so Mike is a little skeptical about Mary. Translation: Let me find another way to bring up her once being on this show again. This is getting ridiculous. So Mike pulls Mary aside to tell her he’s never seen the “Bachelor” before, not a fan of the show, and thinks Host Chris looks like Gonzo. Mike: “So are you here because you want to be here and are looking to get married, or are you here to win?” Mary: “I can marry Byron tomorrow.” Yes you could. Place called the “Little White Chapel”, right off the Vegas strip, you’re only about 45 minutes to an hour away, I’m guessing you guys can go elope whenever you want. Why do I have a feeling that if these two get married, the “Little White Chapel” and $3.99 steak dinners will be part of the ceremony?
-Commercial. I flipped channels over to Fox and saw a little bit of the “Kelly, Reuben, and Fantasia Christmas Special”. Not to go Mr. Health Nut here but, someone needs to get Reuben a salad or something. He’s easily put on 100 lbs since season two. And today I just read he was hospitalized for “exhaustion”. Well of course he’s exhausted. He’s 400 lbs. You’d be exhausted every 10 steps too if you’re heart had to pump blood at that pace. And all the weight that Reuben’s gained he seemed to have stolen from Kelly. She’s definitely dropped a few lbs since season one. As for Fantasia, well, it’s only been six months since we saw her last. Same routine. Bouncing up and down on stage and still singing like a poor woman’s Macy Gray. But her CD is out soon, so they needed to give her some face time. And a lot. Every time I turned back to the channel, she was one of the ones singing. Or screaming. Whatever you want to call it.
-I think the next scene gave a good indication who he was going to pick. After meeting with the friends, remember he took Tanya back to his house to show off trophies and make out on the couch? Well, he didn’t do that with Mary. He took her on a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon and then over the Strip at night. Talk about a difference in dates. Geez. If I didn’t already know better, I would think he’s picking Mary. Mary: “The Grand Canyon is the size of what I’m feeling for Byron.” Hmmmm…is there a way to make that a sexual reference? No? Dammit. Well, regardless, it next showed them flying over the strip. Now because they were in a helicopter, it was very difficult to hear, but if you turned your volume up, you could hear Byron giving a mini sightseeing tour. “See down there? In that little back alley street where there’s a line of drunk men coming out the front? That’s Cheetah’s. That’s where I met my ex-girlfriend Gwen. And you see that hotel with the water show going on in front? That’s the Bellagio. I once had an all night orgy with three girls there. You see the chapel there right off the strip? See where it says “All-You-Can-Eat-Buffet”? That’s where Irene and I had our reception.” Serious. You just had to turn your volume up.
-We’re now at the point of the show, where they show the ladies and Byron waking up the morning of the final rose ceremony and recapping their thoughts. Tanya’s in bed writing in her journal, and I was able to pause the television and catch a glimpse of just a couple sentences. It was kinda blurry, but I was able to make out, “Thank God this is over. Please somebody, anybody, make sure I don’t get chosen tonight. If the cameraman is reading this while zooming in on my private journal, tell the producers I don’t want to get picked. Byron’s a douchebag.” Or something like that.
-Also, they really condensed the end of this show by not having each lady travel to Beverly Hills and pick out which ring they wanted. No, no, no, the ring guy came to Bryon’s place with a suitcase full of rings. Granted, we don’t know either of the girl’s ring size, nor do we even know what they’d like, but hell, since it’s on ABC’s credit card, like Byron cared. He was getting the most expensive one. It seemed like he only looked at one of the rings. I don’t know what cut it was, I don’t know how many carats it had, hell, I don’t even know who the designer was, all I know is that it had a diamond in the middle. And the band was filled with diamonds. And it was encased in a diamond box. There was nothing that wasn’t diamond about it. A lot of diamonds which Byron knows, is the way to a woman’s heart.
-Speaking of diamonds, here’s one of my favorite jokes. Hope you like it….
A mother picks up her 8 year old daughter from school one day, and the daughter is just beaming. Couldn’t be happier. Mom asks, “What are you so excited about sweetie?” The daughter says, “Mommie, mommie, guess what I learned in school today?” Mom says, “What did you learn honey?” Daughter says, “I learned where babies come from.” The mom is kind of taken aback by this. I mean, her daughter is only 8 years old. Should she really be hearing these types of things at school? Anyway, she reluctantly asks, “Oh really, well what did you hear?” Daughter says, “Well, you and daddy go into your room and you lock the door, and then you start kissing each other. After you’re done kissing, daddy takes his penis, puts it in your mouth and it explodes. And that’s how you get babies.” The mom is completely relieved. “No, no, no, honey. You’ve got it all wrong. That’s not how you get babies. That’s how you get jewelry.” Always makes me laugh.
-It’s 9:40, and Host Chris, in the final episode of the season, is making his first appearance an hour and forty minutes into the show. Are they paying him hourly this season? He sure hasn’t gotten much face time. Anyway, Tanya’s the one who arrives first and Host Chris escorts her to the garden where Byron is waiting. It is at this point that I realized Tanya and Host Chris wouldn’t make a good couple. She’s about a foot taller than him.
-Byron is a man of very few words. “First met by the pool….beautiful on the inside….remember our first date with the car going into the water….took me on a whirlwind…roof in Vancouver….(the sweat developing on his upper lip is making me nauseous. I’m guessing Tanya isn’t too turned on by it either)….But I’m not falling in love with you.” Uh, bye? Yeah, that was pretty much it. I mean, he’s no Jesse Palmer, but can we get a little better dumping speech than that? That was brutal. I’d be pissed if I were her too. No explanation, no nothing other than “I’m not falling in love with you”. He walks her out to the car, lays it on thick with the “You’re a beautiful woman, any guy would be lucky to have you, I’ve enjoyed every moment with you” B.S. She didn’t seem to care for his act.
-Tanya: “I’m speechless. I feel like a fool. I’ve been lied to.” Byron: “I haven’t lied to you.” Tanya: “Can I finish?” Ooooh, good one. Tell him to shutup. It’s your turn now. But since he never told her anything, I don’t think she really knew what to ask him. So she got into the limo and lit him up like a Christmas tree. Tanya (in limo): “He made a huge mistake….he gave up on me….he took my heart and stepped on it.” And don’t forget he toasted that you guys would be in Texas celebrating Christmas in a month. Not anymore. -Commercial. Previews for the next “Bachelorette” are shown. Now, they’d been showing Jen taking shots around town in New York City during previous commercial breaks, and even had her being chased by guys while in a carriage through Central Park. But those guys weren’t the bachelors chosen. Those guys were just used for the commercial, because if you noticed, there were much more than 25 men chasing her. Ok, I only knew that because “US Weekly” told me that about a month ago. I’m not that smart to actually count how many there were. But this last commercial showed quick head shots of some of the guys. First impression: Not impressed. At all. No names, no shots of her on dates with them, no kissing, nothing. Just quick head shots. One guy looked like Shaggy. Scooby Doo’s Shaggy, not Shaggy the rapper. Should be another great season.
-Mary arrives in the limo and is greeted by Host Chris and his fledgling career. What’s minimum wage now, $7.25? He can’t be pulling in much more than that for the time they’re giving him. It’s Byron’s turn yet again to wow Mary with his words. Byron: “Muy bonita (I think he actually memorized that one. Or he had the Spanish-to-English dictionary in his suit pocket)…..I feel blessed….you’re everything I’m looking for….Mary, I have fallen in love with you (wow, this guy wastes no time)…But there is something I cannot see happening tonight….I cannot see myself spending another minute without you as my wife….(gets down on one knee)….Mary, blah blah blah esposa…I would be honored if you would be my wife.”
-The proposal in Spanish threw me for a loop. I had no idea what he was saying. Good thing he came back with the translation in English. I would’ve written what I thought he said and it might not have been suitable for children under 13 years of age. They exchanged about a 100 “I love you’s”, called each other Byron Paul, and Mary Belle, and then Byron told her “We’re gonna be together forever.” Forever, huh? Wow. That’s a hell of a prediction to make for a show that’s 0-for-6 with none lasting more than six months. Just because Byron’s older we’re supposed to believe this will work. I think it has potential considering you can’t possibly utter “I love you” 50 times in a 3 minute segment without having some feelings for each other.
-Their final kiss I think sort of upset Byron cuz’ Mary ran her hands through his big mop and messed the whole thing up. He couldn’t have been happy with that. No way. Then he picked her up and spun her around like Michael did with Stephanie in “Grease 2”. I thought Byron was going to break out in “We’ll Be Together”, then go put on his T-Bird jacket and start dancing with all the cameramen and producers after they turned the final set into a luau. Is Johnny Nogarelli going to be invited to the wedding? What about Goose?
-I’ve already written enough thus far so there really isn’t any need for me to cover the “After the Final Rose” show. I watched the whole thing and I thought that these two seemed pretty happy together and were genuinely excited to see each other after three months. And they did much more kissing up on stage than Andrew and Jen, Bob and Estella, and Jesse and Jessica did combined, so maybe they are gonna get married someday. They said they were going to, but hadn’t set a date. You gotta have at least one “Bachelor” work out, so it might as well be this one since I have a feeling they’re gonna go back to the younger crowd for the next series to generate some ratings. People just tend to like it more when 25 year olds are making asses of themselves and not 40 year olds. Don’t quite know why that is, but it just is. And we must all live with it. So until the Bachelorette starts January 10th, once again, it was another great season, thanks for reading, and I’ll see you next month. Until January…..
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