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4.11.05
Ahhhhhhh, that was a nice nap. I feel good and refreshed now that it’s 3:15am and I’ve gotten 3 ½ hours sleep. Time to begin losing my sleep for the week to talk about the stunning events which took place on last night’s show. Well, not stunning really. Although the format has changed, nothing on this show should stun anyone anymore. And when they immediately started in at 9:01 with Kimberely practically naked, you knew we were in for a good night. Host Chris has really taken a backseat this season to our remaining sluts. I wonder how that makes him feel? I guess it’s kinda like a great athlete late in his career. His skills have diminished. He’s definitely lost a step or two. He’s playing on a crummy team. And you’re just praying game in and game out that the guy just doesn’t completely embarrass himself. That’s Host Chris on this season of the “Bachelor”. Despite the promo’s heading to commercial that say, “If you’d like to nominate someone to be the next ‘Bachelor’, call the # on the screen”, let’s not fool ourselves. ABC renewed four or five shows for next season last week, and the “Bachelor” wasn’t one of them. “Lost”, “Alias”, “Desperate Housewives”, “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition”, and some other one were renewed. Nothing on the “Bachelor”. Yet. Could still happen, but, let’s not place any wagers on this. Onto last night…..
-So they start with Kim getting ready for her solo date trying to figure out what to wear. And us lucky viewers basically got to see her whole panty collection as she held them up in full view of the camera. I’m surprised when she was ruffling through all her hooker outfits, the six-inch clear heels didn’t appear. I think we did get to see about four or five different color thongs, though. That was enjoyable. If you’re a guy. Anyway, the lovely outfit she decided on was a nice, professional looking bustier. It didn’t reveal much at all, except pretty much both of her areolas. So it looked perfect on her. Kimbereley: “I just wanted to lay out a few outfits. I wanted to wear something that Charlie would be ‘wowed’ by.” Well, that did the trick, honey. I’ve seen naked women wearing less than than that, if that makes any sense. Keep doin’ what you’re doing. It’s gotten to the point where I think Trishelle is probably sitting back at home watching this saying, “Man, that chick is trashy.”
-The other girls around watching her dress are just as stunned as we are. Someone even said, “There goes the tomboy look, huh?” Yeah, they’re thrilled with this. Why? Because they know she’s securing a rose with that outfit and they didn’t think of it first. Forget morals, forget self-respect, they’re pissed because inside their luggage they don’t have any french maid outfits, or stripper gear, so they know they can’t compete. I’d be jealous of her too. The object isn’t to get married on this show, it’s to come across as slutty as possible. Kimbereley is killing them in that game. Someone needs to turn it around and go full on prostitute if they want any chance at nabbing Charlie. Charlie likes prostitutes. I’m guessing. And since Kimberley is the closest thing to it, she’s winning. Pretty simple formula if you ask me.
-Charlie and the Hooker’s date is to an Art Gallery. Nothing screams “put-on-your-leather-bustier-with-breasts-hanging-to-the-floor” than “Art Gallery”. I’m sure the other patrons visiting to see fine art will love the “art” that Kimberley is displaying. Unfortunately, a couple of the girls in the house decide to let their morals speak up and they tell Kimberley her prostitute outfit shouldn’t be worn at such a respected place like an Art Gallery. Says who? Boooooooooooo. Let her wear it. Don’t you want this girl to dig her own grave? Or just because you didn’t have the $2000 grand to spend on your rack, you’re punishing her for it? C’mon. Live a little. Let the girl whore herself out on her very first solo date. Makes it much more entertaining for the viewer. Especially me. I’m enjoying the hell out of this.
-Anyway, good judgment prevails, which is a first for this show, and Kimberley “only” decides to go with the tight black mini skirt that rides a good 10 inches above her knees. Ok. Ok. Not bad. I can deal with that. Not bad. We can take that. Of course, so can Charlie. When he sees Kimberley for the first time, the Pig almost breaks his chin when his mouth drops to the floor. Charlie: “Wow!!! Now we’re cookin. With gas.” No, he wasn’t referring to going home and cooking her a meal. He was referring to her tight black mini which has most men watching this show breaking into a cold sweat. I was able to calm myself down by this point, because as short and revealing as that dress was, we were already teased with her half naked before. Kinda like eating cold pizza. It’s still tastes good, but it isn’t great.
-These two young art aficionados are strolling along the Art Gallery with wine in hand trying to comprehend anything that they’re looking at. Like anyone can make any sense of this art with Charlie’s date walking around in that. They even come across this piece that has the word “SEX” subliminally hidden within the art. Kimberley: “I like the letters on that one.” Oh geez. Why not just give these two the keys to their fantasy suite right now and get this over with? Tell them to rip up their contracts that stipulate no “mouth-to-genital” and “genital-to-genital” contact and let these two just start breeding right now. This is getting ridiculous, really. The hormone level of these two has got to be unlike anything we’ve ever seen on network television. During their tour of the art, Kimberley actually has the audacity to say, “There’s a chance I could be going home tonight.” Well, maybe she’s right. At that chance would be if some homicidal maniac stormed the art gallery and fired a pistol right between her eyes. That’s about her only chance. And even then, I think Charlie might still be too turned on not to want to mate with a dead Kimberley corpse. Guess we’ll never know since it didn’t happen.
-Back at the house, in honor of Kimberley the Whore, the rest of the girls decide to ransack her wardrobe, put on all her clothes, and have what they called a “Kimfest”. This was a tribute to Kimberley’s wonderful taste in clothing on first dates. I couldn’t tell you who was wearing what because I had just removed the ice pack from my crotch, but, I remember them all being half naked as well. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but, I love this season of the “Bachelor”. Can someone check and make sure it’s not too late to renew shows for next season yet? Thanks.
-Commercial. Another “Dear Abby” letter from yesterday that still has me shaking my head. It reads….
Dear Abby…Please tell me how to use “Miss”, “Mrs”, and “Ms” when addressing a female. I would especially like to know which one is used for a widow. - Carol in Anderson, South Carolina.
Well, Carol in Anderson, South Carolina, you came to the right person. Forget Abby, I can help you with that. My first bit of advice would be to tell you to get a life. Why are you asking Abby this? How about asking the person you’d like to address what they’d prefer? Seems to me they would know the answer better than some 90 year old bag with nothing better to do than answer stupid letters like these? Oh, she’s not 90? Well, sure as hell seems like she’s had a column since Christ was in diapers. Good God. Someone please kill me if you’re ever reading “Dear Abby” one day, and you come across this:
Dear Abby…..When writing a formal letter, I like to put “Sincerely” down at the bottom, followed by four spaces where I can hand write my name, then type my name underneath it. My question is, is it considered disrepectful to the person receiving the letter if I only leave four spaces for me to sign my name? Should it be only three? Or maybe should I go with four? How about if I send it on a Tuesday, for them to receive it on a Friday? What’s appropriate then? Is it true to only use black ink when signing, or is blue the color of choice nowadays? When is hell freezing over? Is Elvis still alive? Do you think Reuben really should’ve beaten Clay? Thanks for your help. I’m going to pull the plug on myself now. Thanks. - Realitysteve on Life Support.
-Where was I? Oh yeah. Back to Charlie and his prostitute’s date, which shockingly enough, has ended up back at his place. They start looking at old pictures of Charlie, Charlie’s parents, Charlie with brother Jerry, and shots from Charlie’s D-list movies. All very exciting stuff. Practically had Kimberley’s skirt above her head. Kimberley: “I love seeing pictures of my Mom and Dad.” And I’m sure your parents are sitting at home right now, if they haven’t suffered a cardiac arrest yet, saying the same thing about you sweetie. “Oh Walter, look at our precious, precious child. She’s in love.” Her parents must be proud. It would not surprise me in the least bit if Kim has a picture of her parents conceiving her. Seems like she would really take pleasure something like that.
-These two sit down on the couch together to begin their makeout session, but first, Charlie gives her a rose. So believe it or not, Kim’s not going anywhere! She made it another round! Unbelievable! To quote the late Jack Buck, “I don’t believe what I just saw!” I feel it’s appropriate at this time to ease up on Kimberley just a bit, do her a favor, and promote her website to the numerous readers of this column. When you get a chance, you can take a look back at Kim’s life, what’s she’s done, who she’s done, and all her “Hawaiian Tropic” modeling pictures at www.kimchoma.com. Once you get to the homepage, my favorite part of her whole site is on that front page, you’ll be able to see something that says “Enter Kim Choma”. Really? For free? Am I provided with a condom for this or do I have to bring my own?
-Charlie and Kim make their way from the couch into his bedroom to begin filming for the Spice Channel. I’m telling you, this is straight out of a bad porn flick. Kim jumps onto the bed in her mini skirt while saying, “Your bed is cool. Very bouncy.” If you turned your volume up loud enough, you could even hear the “Bow-chicka-bow-bow” music in the background. At least these two must’ve since they began mauling each other on his bed. I don’t think a body condom would’ve helped them at this point. If either one of them had an STD, someone was catching something that night. No way they couldn’t have.
-Commercial. Oh my God, please remind me to set my TiVo. This morning on “Good Morning America” is the return of Mariah Carey! She’s performing live! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I didn’t even know she was still making music. The last song I remember her recording was “Fantasy” with Old Dirty Bastard. She’s done something since then other than have a nervous breakdown? Or was it “exhaustion”? I love when celebrities go to the “exhaustion” card. That’s always a good one. I had to put myself in the hospital because I was “exhausted.” Look, it’s 4:23am. I’m gonna finish typing this column around 7:00, shower, go to work, sit in front my computer all day, come home, watch “American Idol”, watch something on MTV, maybe watch the “Office”, watch the 10:00 SportsCenter, all on about 3 hours sleep. You don’t see me checking into a hospital do you? Most people when they’re “exhausted” just take a nap. Who goes into the hospital? And despite my appreciation for Lindsay Lohan that’s bordering on stalker, am I supposed to believe her hospital stint a couple a months ago was really because of “exhaustion”? Please Lindsay. Quit hopping on Bruce Willis, and Christian Slater, and back to Wilmer, and then with whoever you else you felt the need to violate your body. Actually, that’s definitely cause for exhaustion. Maybe she does have an excuse.
-The girls stay up late making sure that Kimberley actually comes home from filming her porn with Charlie. Sarah B.: “Kim and I are very different. I have morals. I don’t just throw my body out there.” Good for you Sarah B. Then at least you’ll be able to leave this game with your head held high while Kimberley gets to promote her website a little longer and indirectly is entering the next “Miss Hawaiian Tropic Model” contest. Or is it “Mrs. Hawaiian Tropic Model”? Or “Ms. Hawaiian Tropic Model?” Carol from Anderson, South Carolina must’ve just had a seizure.
-The group date follows in the footsteps of the past group dates as this one won’t be at one of his buddies pubs, but it’ll be at the bowling alley. Maybe Jerry owns this dump or something. Let’s just say, only a couple of these ladies knew how to handle their balls. Anitra was good. She bowled a strike. Sarah W. however was a complete failure with the balls since she rolled a few in the gutter. Never a good sign. In case you missed it in a previous column, let me remind you why guys take women bowling on dates. To look at their asses. Not because they want to have a kick back date. Not because they want to have a relaxed atmosphere. And not because we’re cheap. It’s because it’s really the only date out there where we can consistently get a good look at your backside without being caught. And if you happen to go with the sweater-tied-around-the-waist look to prevent this, well then, we’re extremely disappointed. But really, where else can we get that many backdoor glimpses of you without fear of getting caught? Nowhere. Which is why bowling is such a great date. Hey, just trying to educate.
-Krisily chimes in with her cheerful attitude for the first time tonight. Krisily: “I don’t know what the “W” stands for in Sarah W. Wicked? Witch? I wouldn’t say ‘Worm’, but definitely Weasel.” Nice one. I mean, we’re ½ hour into the show, and this is Krisily’s first time to spew her venom towards somebody. Damn. Lost that bet. I had my money on 9:04 or sooner. But I’m sure she’s not done yet either, so maybe we’ll make up for lost time here.
-Commercial. Ashton Kutcher’s 17th movie this year comes out April 22nd. “A Lot Like Love”, starring Amanda Peet as his co-host. You know, I’d forgotten about her. Add Amanda Peet to my list of women that I’d like to stalk. I’ve always found her attractive in a mysterious sort of way. I know you don’t care, but I do. And the minute Ashton Kutcher makes a movie that someone who isn’t female and fifteen wants to see, please let me know. Although, I did find it funny in the preview where he’s singing “I’ll Be There For You” by Bon Jovi to Amanda Peet. Only funny because back in 8th grade, well, let’s just say I did something similar to that, with that exact same song, and it failed miserably. I’ll be sure to tell that story in my upcoming book, “How I Continuously Embarrassed Myself with the Ladies in My Grammar School Years”. I was a nightmare. You think I’m weird now? You should’ve seen me in action back then. It’s probably where it all started, now that I think about it.
-Back to the group date. Krisily expresses her concern to Charlie about what the girls were thinking about Kimberley staying out so late on their date. Krisily: “My concern was if there’s a girl sleeping at a guy’s house, nine times out of ten, it’s not just sleeping at the guy’s house.” It isn’t? To what are you referring goes on? Lemme tell ya’ something honey. Take it from Mr. Experience himself. Just because every guy’s house that you’ve stayed at has ended up with him emptying out his Trojans box on you, doesn’t necessarily mean its happens to everyone. In fact, let me refer you back to about…..forget it. I’m still pissed.
-Charlie answers Krisily’s concern like a man. Charlie: “We did go back to my place, we did make out, and she did go home. That’s what happened. I’m not trying to sleep with anyone.” Uhhhh, sure you’re not Charlie. I respect the guy for admitting he and Kimberley had a make out session. Granted, he didn’t go into detail about the snuff film they made together, but those are just minor details. However, don’t feed us the B.S. of not wanting to sleep with anyone. C’mon pal. You’re a walking, talking, living, breathing penis. If the “Bachelor” were shown in the U.K., they’d all get to see what really went down on your bed with Kimberley. I’ve never been to Europe, but I think I would go just for the X-rated stuff they show on TV. Eiffel Tower? Ehh. Gondola rides in Naples? Uh huh. “Look kids…” “We know Dad…Big Ben…Parliament”. Whatever. But the soft porn they show on all the channels at every hour? Now that’s worth the 10 hour plane ride.
-As Charlie and Krisily go away for some alone time to set up when they’ll begin filming their XXX rated movie, Sarah B. and Sarah W. have a heart-to-heart. This might’ve got confusing if you didn’t watch the show. Sarah B.: “Sarah W. told me that Charlie told her he knew who the final four would be. And she said Charlie told her she would be one of them, along with Krisily, Jenny, and Kimberley.” Got that? He told her that he knew who the final four would be and that she told Sarah that she knew she’d be in it because Charile told her not to tell anyone that she knew that….AAAAHHHHH!!!! Enough!!!! We already know who’s getting to the final four anyway. We have a brain. Well, three out of four at least. Jenny didn’t even make the final six.
-Getting away from the madness that is the group date for a second, Kara and Kimberley are back at the house discussing what Kara should wear on her date with Charlie. Kara, the innocent/secretly horny single mom, is asking Kimberley what she should wear on her date? Isn’t that like a nun asking Christina Aguilera what to wear in the convent? A rather awkward discussion these two had.
Kara: “Should I wear a sweater? Is that too conservative?
Kimberley: “Not as long as it’s a little off the shoulder. Guys like when you show a little skin.”
Wow. She’s good. She has us completely pegged. How’d she know that? Where’d she come up with such a theory? On what planet does that hold true? Guys like seeing skin? You mean, “Playboy” hasn’t been in existence for 100 years because of their articles? You mean that because every 18-30 year old man owns a subscription to either “Maxim”, “FHM”, or “Stuff”, it means we’re all attracted to half naked women? Kimberley is a hell of a lot smarter than I’m giving her credit for. MESSAGE TO THE MALE RACE: “Gentlemen, our cover is blown. We need to have an emergency meeting. Let’s all congregate this weekend at your nearest golf course where we have all of our meetings to talk about women. Further details will follow. Over and out.”
-Charlie pulls Sarah B. aside for some alone time and they decide to keep it much more tame and talk about life. She talks about family, having children, taking them to Sunday school, having a white picket fence around the house, and…..zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. The editing job done by the producers not to show Charlie almost knocking head against the wall as he fell asleep was one hell of a job. So out of sheer pity for the woman, Sarah B. gets the second rose. Yippee. She’ll last.
-Because Charlie is working on three hours sleep, and he’s been on back-to-back dates, he postpones his one-on-one date with Kara the Horny Single Mom until the next day. She’s not upset by this and thanks him for being honest. Another great editing job done by the show as no longer than ten seconds elapse from when Kara hangs up the phone does Charlie already have a flower delivery guy at the door with a bouquet and a card for her. The card apologized for postponing the date, and he acknowledged he was just way too tired to give his full effort towards the date and that he just needed to flog his dolphin and get some rest.
-The next day arrives and Kara’s date with Charlie will bein Central Park ice skating. How romantic. Kara is sooooo excited for this date. She’s always wanted to ice skate in Central Park. And just imagine, it’s happening for the first time on national television with a hunk like Charlie O’Connell. Kara: “It’s like a dream come true!” If anyone couldn’t see her not getting a rose on this date, you need to go back to Chapter 7 of your “Bachelor” handbook entitled “When You Know One of These Ho’s Ain’t Getting a Rose”. In that chapter, it clearly states that anyone “who gets overly excited for an upcoming date that we’ve already seen 1,000 times on the show, will suffer a horrible and tragic ending by the end of the hour.”
-Charlie asks her if she’s talked to her daughter. Kara: “Yeah, I talked to her yesterday. She asked, ‘Mom, is he cute?’”. Good thing to know that this first thought in your 9 year olds head is how attractive your date is. I’m sure she will definitely grow up completely normal having seen this train wreck with her mom on television. What mother would let her 9 year old even watch this show? What’s next, Kara letting her daughter read this column? Honey, if you’re reading this, just know it’s all in good fun and I have nothing better to do. Please, do not be running to your 3rd grade classmates tomorrow telling them about how Charlie flogs his dolphin or where you can go to “Enter Kim Choma”. Please. I’m begging you. Mommy will get mad. And I’ll end up being served with papers of some kind, I’m guessing.
-Then the producers got creative during Charlie and Kara’s ice skating session by planting two snot-nose punk 3rd graders on the ice with them. If that wasn’t more fixed, I’d think I was watching wrestling. I guess it was supposed to show how Charlie interacts with little children. And since it showed “not very well”, it was no surprise their next conversation had this question in it: “Can you see yourself really dating a single mom? Honestly.” Charlie’s answer, in a roundabout “it’s-not-you-it’s-me” kind of way, was “no”, and off Kara went to tend to her emotionally scarred 9 year old daughter. Thank God that’s over. There still might be a chance to save that little tike. Hope all is well with them now.
-Being emotionally distraught over sending Kara home, Charlie turns to the only person he can trust: Tony Almeida (Sorry. Had to get another “24” reference in somewhere again). He called brother Jerry, who just happened to be waiting by the phone and was in between intercourse sessions with girlfriend Rebecca Romijn Stamos O’Connell. This scene served no purpose whatsoever other than that “Crossing Jordan’s” ratings stink, and Jerry needed some airtime. Jerry told Chuck, apparently his kinky nickname for his brother, that he watches the show and to “not be jumpin’ into any hot tubs.” Sorry Jerry. Too late. Charlie accomplished that within the first 45 minutes this season. It went rather well for him too.
-Commercial. I’m fascinated by this Ortho Evra product. This woman comes on the screen and tells me it’s so difficult for her to remember to take her pill every day, which is what makes Ortho Evra so handy. A patch that’s 99% effective, you can wear it anywhere, and you only have to change it once a week? Huh? Then why doesn’t everyone use it? Look, I’m not a woman, nor do I know what it’s like to wake up as one every day, but even I know taking a pill every morning or night has got to get old after a while. So what gives with this patch thing? Oh, I see. Here’s the fine print down at the bottom of the screen: “Mild skin irritation may occur.” Uh huh. I get it now. Leave it on for a week, and have a permanent mark on your body that never goes away. Kinda reminds me of the “Happy Fun Ball” commercial from “Saturday Night Live”. I’m no doctor, but I’m guessing Ortho Evra is about as safe as using the Rhythm Method. Call me a little bit skeptical.
-Time for the rose ceremony. The two ladies already with roses are Kimberley the Resident Prostitute, and Sarah B. Who apparently is the beholder of the final four and won’t tell anyone….until next week when she throws Sarah W. under the bus. Can’t wait. Anyway, time for the sh**talking to begin. Jenny, you’re up first. Go! Jenny: “I feel I’m being overlooked. Because I don’t look like that (pointing to Kimberley), or act like that (pointing to Sarah W.). I’m a good catch. I’m smart, pretty, funny, successful, and I think I deserve a fair chance.” Thank you for your input Jenny. Very convincing argument that I’m sure Charlie will take into consideration for maybe five seconds. Onto to the ceremony.
Krisily: Pretty tame for her this week, I must say. Next week, the claws come out.
Anitra: Who?
Sarah W. Well, since she knows all of Charlie’s secrets, this shouldn’t have surprised her in the least bit.
Kindle: She didn’t say one thing this entire episode I don’t think.
-So what happened to Charlie asking “Will you accept this rose?” They’ve done away with that too? I guess when they’re basically telling us not to expect a proposal out of this thing, there’s really no point in him asking whether or not they want to accept a rose. That makes sense I guess. Charlie (to Jenny): “I’m just not sure if we’re right together.” Jenny: “Honestly, no big deal.” Really? Then why are you crying? Why would you put up a big speech about yourself and how wonderful you are if you didn’t care? I wonder if her “I’m the greatest” speech is actually what did her in? Kindle hasn’t spent any significant time that we’ve seen with Charlie since the first time she danced for him and got a rose. Way to dig your own grave, Jenny. Congrats.
-Afterwards, we get a little post-rose ceremony footage of the ladies back at the house. Sarah W. was completely offended that Jenny called her out for the way she acts around Charlie and hangs all over him. Krisily and Anitra call her out on the same thing and Sarah W. basically shuts them off. “I’m done. I’ve had enough. I’m sorry to be selfish, but I don’t need to hear this.” Which basically sets up a Krisily/Sarah W. deathmatch for next week at the nail salon. These two don’t like each other. And that’s a good thing. Apparently Kimberley’s one woman prostitution ring that she’s running won’t be the focal point of the show next week. Even though it should be. Every week until she’s gone. Bye….
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