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4.18.05
Not that we didn’t have an idea who it was going to be, but wasn’t it a little obvious last night who was going to be making it into the final four? Didn’t really take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Basically, the four girls who’ve had the most camera time up til’ this point are the ones still around. Charlie is a very simple man. Charlie doesn’t look for complexity in what he’s after. It’s quite obvious the Krisily vs. Sarah W. feud was going to continue to rage on so that ABC can milk this for as long as possible. Too bad they no longer are staying under the same roof anymore. That would’ve been fun to actually have our first death on this show. One of them is liable to kill the other one. And if you listen to Sarah W., it would be Krisily stabbing her while fencing. That made a lot of sense. That’s the best part about this season. It’s completely senseless. Which is why we love it so much. Let’s begin…
-The first solo date of the night will go to Sarah B., or as Charlie affectionately refers to her as “Little Sarah”. What a cute name. I’m sure it doesn’t make her feel self-conscious at all. They will be going on a picnic and horseback riding, and Charlie is still unsure of what he wants. Charlie: “What am I looking for? I still don’t know. If I knew, I would just have a mail-order bride and pick one from there.” Don’t think we’re not too far away from that point with this guy. If they gave him the option of a mail-order bride, he might actually take them up on it. He could probably get a discount on one, it wouldn’t cause any drama, and he basically could have his way with her whenever he wants. I’m sure Charlie has already seriously looked into this, or else he wouldn’t have brought it up. Or I could be just jumping to conclusions. Me? Never.
-Little Sarah isn’t too thrilled about going horseback riding. She’s been once before and she’s seen people get bucked off before, and this time she’s convinced it’ll be her. So from the get go, she makes it perfectly clear she wants no part of this ride. She’s scared, she’s frightened, she wants someone to hold her, and Charlie insists she just try it. Charlie likes the ponies. He’s been riding them since he was little, so, I guess he assumed everyone should like them. Uhhhh, not quite. So to ease her fear, Charlie tells her a story of how much of a professional horseback rider he was. Charlie: “Growing up, my brother did a movie once called ‘Stand By Me’, and during the filming, I got to go to rodeo camp. It was the best time I ever had. I cried when I left.” Yeah, yeah, yeah. How did I know that somehow, someway, “Stand By Me” would make it into this season? Considering outside of dating Rebecca Romjin Stamos O’Connell, that’s about the most popular thing any O’Connell has ever done, we shouldn’t be surprised whatsoever. Jerry gets “Stand By Me”, Charlie gets a bit part in “Dude, Where’s My Car?” I don’t think Charlie’s bitter at all.
-Although the horse she was on never even got up to a trotting pace, Little Sarah was scared sh**less the whole time. She needed Charlie by her side the minute her horse walked more than three steps away from his. So after maybe five minutes on the horse, she’d had enough. Of course, she claims to have loved every minute of it. Little Sarah: “Our date was wonderful. It was really sweet.” What? You bitched the whole time you were on the thing and couldn’t wait to get off. How exactly did you enjoy yourself? I’m confused here. Must’ve been in the editing. At some point, her horse must’ve run away, and Charlie came to save the day. Either that, or they did it on the back of the horse. One of the two.
-Commercial. I had to do some extra research this week. You see, yesterday’s “Dear Abby” consisted of only two letters. One was about an 18 year old blonde girl, who was good looking and in great shape, but was HIV positive, and she wanted to know when the best time to break that to a man in a relationship was. The other letter was about a couple who had just lost their 24 year old child in a car accident who wanted to know what’s the proper way to respond when someone asked them how many kids they had. Yikes. I’d rather not discuss either of those morbid letters. So I, uhhhh, somehow came across “Cosmopolitan” magazine because, well, I, uh, found it on the ground. And I found a good one in the “Sex Q&A”. Here it is…
My guy has been begging me to have a threesome for a couple years, so a few months ago, I invited my roommate to join us in bed. It was actually pretty enjoyable, but ever since then, my boyfriend wants to make it a group effort all the time. He has even invited my roommate without telling me. It got to the point where I couldn’t even look at my friend anymore, so I kicked her out of the apartment. Now, I’m trying to work on things with my man, but he won’t shut up about the threesomes. What can I do to salvage our relationship? – Confused in Alabama.
Here’s a start…how about dumping him? Or you could stay together with a man who’s already lost his attraction to you so much, he needs to include someone else in your sexual activities. Your choice. He invited her without even telling you? Ummm, what about the times he invited her and didn’t invite you? I’m guessing that probably happened once or a thousand times. Sounds like a real keeper there. I’m glad you’re doing what you can to salvage the relationship because I can tell the love runs pretty deep between you two. It’s just he also likes sharing his deep love with your roommate as well. Hope you two lovebirds find a way to make this heartfelt story last longer. We’re all counting on you.
-Back to reality, the remaining five girls decide today is the day to get out and get manicures and pedicures, although the outing turned into Celebrity Deathmatch 9 between Krisily and Sarah W. Sarah W.: “Do you ever dream about Charlie?” Krisily: “Do you actually miss him when he’s gone, or is this just a game and it’s all about winning with you? When he comes to the house, I want to run and see him.” Sarah W.: “I think you’re just jealous.” Is there a reason this fight started completely out of nowhere? I think the producers and cameras were around and considering we’re watching women getting their nails and toes touched up, they had to add some sort of spice to this. Probably went something like, “Ok ladies. This is boring as hell. Sarah W., pretend you just came home from long day at work and Krisily is in your bed with Charlie. Go! Now Krisily, pretend that you’re six months engaged to Charlie when he tells you Sarah W. is carrying his baby. Go!”
-Sarah W. continues to launch her assault on the island of Krisily. “I really hope Charlie doesn’t end up with you – you’re horrible. You’re a nightmare…..You’re not fun, you’re not funny, and you really have no good qualities at all…..Jealous of you? Ugh.” Gee, tell her how you really feel there, b**ch. I know we’re only four episodes into this season, but I can’t remember a damn thing that happened on the previous three. Did I skip an episode or when did Sarah W. become a raving lunatic? Was I getting a sandwich and miss this at some point? Wasn’t she one of the nice, normal ones in the early going? Wasn’t she somewhat of the front runner in the early going? How and when did this crazed lunatic escape from the psycho ward? Geez. Usually I like the cattiness and the catfighting, but not when it’s this one sided. Krisily just sat there and took it like a porn star. Except she didn’t enjoy it and walked out. Krisily: “Sarah W. is the fakest, most selfish person I’ve ever met in my entire life.” Well, whatever she is, she just destroyed you. I almost wanted to give Krisily a hug after that onslaught. But then I thought better of it and figured she could fight her own battles. And that I couldn’t actually hug someone who’s on television. I’m lonely.
-Back to Charlie and Little Sarah whose day has moved into the horse stables to carry on conversation on some haystacks. Very “Pretty in Pink” of them to do that. I immediately had flashbacks of Andie and Blaine making out in the stables during this scene. You know, the one where he wants to be with her, but while he’s kissing her he gives the “My rich, snobby friend’s aren’t gonna like this” face to the camera. Then he stops returning her calls, doesn’t meet her outside when they arrive at school, then makes up that B.S. excuse about forgetting he already asked someone to prom. Damn that Blaine. Bastard. “You’re afraid to be seen with me!” “No I’m not!” “You’re afraid what you’re rich f***in’ friends will think! You’re a liar! You’re a filthy f***ing liar! Just tell me the truth!” Great scene. Although Blaine definitely had his man card taken away after getting his ass kicked by a girl in the middle of the school hallway. Not his best moment. Where was I?
-Charlie (to Little Sarah): “We’re like two peas in a pod. Now we just have to decide if we can be boyfriend and girlfriend.” Who says that? Whatever the case, they each decide to tell the other something about their pasts. Oh, here’s one. Little Sarah was engaged. Within the last year, too! Little Sarah: “But he ended up being someone I wasn’t expecting.” Isn’t that always how it ends up being? So in the beginning, her fiancee was really into her, then apparently, one suggestion about a threesome and bam! He was hooked. Could Sarah B. actually be an alias for “Confused in Alabama”? What’s Charlie’s secret? “I like different girls for different reasons. I have this one girl who’s still calling me. She’s still typing online that we’re still dating.” And according to the “In Touch” magazine interview she gave, you’re only doing this to revive your doormat acting career. And yes, she reiterated yet again that you two aren’t officially broken up either. Nice. The “Bachelor” has a girlfriend at home. All the more reason why this season rocks. I’m praying this ex of his is telling the truth. Hey, if it’s in “In Touch” magazine, how can we possibly deny its credibility?
-Getting off that lovely subject, Sarah B. reaching for one last straw decides to throw Sarah W. under the bus telling Charlie that Sarah W. told her after their alone time that Charlie told Sarah W. who the final four was, and that it didn’t include Little Sarah. I’m just as confused as you. Charlie assures her he never said that, doesn’t know where Sarah W. came up with that, and tells the cameras he’s not too happy she did that. But getting back to matters at hand, being in the barn, being in the hay, having not suffocated a woman in the last 24 hours, you could tell Charlie’s hormones were raging. But since he and Little Sarah have the sexual chemistry of Kevin and Winnie from “Wonder Years”, he gives her a peck on the cheek. Awwwwwwww. Charlie: “I didn’t want to kiss Sarah until the right moment.” Translation: Damn Sarah didn’t want to make out so I had to act like a gentlemen. She better get her act together or she won’t be here much longer. And oh yeah, Little Sarah got a rose. A first ever this season that someone got a rose for not either: a) having giant implants visible in any outfit b) letting someone lick shot off their bare stomach or c) being a complete whore.
-Commercial. I noticed how McDonald’s commercials don’t really promote any more of their kangaroo meat burgers and cholesterol skyrocketing fries. Nope, this time they seem to be focusing on their salads, because as we know, whenever we’re craving a good salad, the golden arches is the first place I look for. I think McDonald’s has really gotta stop with this “We’re trying to become more healthy” B.S. and just go all the way. Give us a quadruple cheeseburger and throw everything on it. Bring back the “Super Size” and even go a size bigger than that. Quit trying to be what you’re not. You’re food is about as healthy as a plate of nuclear waste. But dammit it tastes good. Keep it comin’, Ronald. Just because someone took the time to make a whole documentary on how crappy your food is doesn’t mean you need to short us on the size of our fries orders. Pretty funny how they didn’t eliminate fries or burgers or giant cokes from their menus, they just took away the option of super sizing it. I still don’t get that. “We know our food is crap, but, just take our crap in smaller doses.” Bizarre.
-Time for a group date where the ladies get a chance to go fencing with Charlie. This was a brilliant idea. I can’t believe Charlie thought of something like this. Charlie: “I didn’t know if I could trust girls with swords in their hands.” Well, considering Kimberley, Sarah W., and Krisily were all part of this date, how could you not trust them? I could tell you these are three of the best sword handlers in America, and I haven’t even seen them fence yet. Brilliant idea. Just brilliant. If only Charlie could’ve incorporated the magic aspect into this and gone into some sword swallowing, then things really would’ve gotten interesting. My money would’ve been with Kim. As adept as Sarah W. and Krisily seem to be, Kimberley seems to have them beaten by just a head. I’m going to hell.
-Krisily pulls Charlie away from the others to show him in private her sword handling techniques. Actually, she gets serious for a moment to tell him she’s claustrophobic. The mask they have to wear while fencing really freaks her out. Makes her feel suffocated. And oh yeah, she throws Sarah W. under the bus the first chance she can get by telling Charlie he really shouldn’t pick her. Maybe she’s claustrophobic, maybe she isn’t, but that meeting was all about revenge on Sarah W. Sarah W. made her her little b***h at the beauty salon, so Krisily needed a little payback. Pretty subtle, but definitely served its purpose. Get it in Charlie’s head about Sarah W. being a crazed lunatic, and make it known she’s claustrophobic, meaning she doesn’t want to be suffocated by Charlie’s sword. She just needs a little extra room.
-Krisily got her turn, so Sarah W. gets hers. She knows that Krisily just ratted her out to Charlie, so she stole him for a minute and also stole that chick from Apprentice’s rap about being good looking grade school. Bascially saying that because she’s good looking, people having always been trying to bring her down ever since she was in grammar school. I don't know what that was all about, and I don’t think Charlie did either. Made her look desperate more than anything. Like Sarah W. cares about looking desperate. Whatever the case, that conversation seemed to end up going nowhere. And it didn’t even end with them lip locked for a ˝ hour either. Disappointing. Sarah W. is losing her touch. Maybe it’s that bad bleach job she has on her hair that’s got her all messed up inside.
-Host Chris has a surprise for everyone. There is a one-on-one date up for grabs right now, and every girl has a chance to get it. He brings in his buddy Paulo, who’s some 3-time Fencing Champion Geek, and the two of them will judge which girl gives Charlie the best match. That girl will then get a date with Charlie, without the pressure of a rose. Just some good alone time to realize someone has exactly nothing in common with Charlie. So all five girls fence with him, and they all suck. I don’t know how 3-time Fencing Geek and Host Chris even chose a winner out of this. All these girls were swinging like they were trying to knock candy out of a pinata.
-Krisily was very nervous about all of this having to overcome her claustrophobia. Sarah W. wasn’t buying any of it. Sarah W.: “Krisily all the sudden is CLASS-trophobic. We never knew this. It’s fake. I don’t even believe it.” And I can’t believe you’re as sharp as a beach ball. I’m glad you know your phobias so well. Yeah, that dye job is definitely messing with her ability to think. Might want to get that checked out. Anyway, Krisily really is struggling with getting that mask on to fence Charlie. It’s like she’s standing on the diving board for the very first time before jumping off. Charlie gives her about as good advice as you can give someone as scared as her in that position. “The faster you put it on, the faster you get it over with.” So it’s like a condom?
-The fencing competition is over, and thankfully, no one died. Anitra ended up winning. Who? And Charlie likes Anitra. Charlie: “Hopefully something happens tonight. And I don’t mean somethin’ like SOMETHIN’.” Oh yes you do. Who are you kidding? About five minutes into their date, and somethin’ that he thought he had a chance of getting was completely thrown out the window. Their conversation went something like this….
Anitra: I’ll eat whether I’m hungry or not. I love to eat. I have such a sweet tooth.
Charlie: I don’t have a sweet tooth at all.
Anitra: I’m not a talker.
Charlie: I am.
Anitra: I’m a little cold.
Charlie: I’m warm.
Anitra: I’m big on emailing.
Charlie: I can’t type.
Anitra: I like missionary.
Charlie: I like everything but.
So you could see where this was going. He and Little Sarah were two peas in a pod. These two were like oil and vinegar. Then someone even brought a dessert over that Anitra loved. Charlie kept to himself and downed cocktails like the bar was about to close on him. Anitra noticed. Anitra: “Maybe he’s had one too many cocktails.” You think? I’m sure Charlie would definitely blow about a .20 right now if the cops came. When all else fails on the date, get completely sh**faced. Nice job.
-Commercial. “Meet the Fockers” DVD comes out shortly. Or it might already be out. And it’s loaded with 65 deleted scenes even less funnier than the movie! I know I’m probably in the minority on this one, but, that movie wasn’t nearly as funny as people make it out to be. Look, I’m the last guy to not find a sex joke funny, but when the whole hour and a half is sexual innuendoes you could see coming from miles away, how is that funny? “Meet the Parents” was funny. The sequel was just forced upon us so Ben Stiller could make more money playing essentially the same type of character he plays in every single one of his films. Although it did launch Teri Polo into Playboy. So maybe it wasn’t such a bad thing, even though I still haven’t seen that issue. But I liked her in those movies. And I’m sure I’d like her more now.
-Charlie comes over to the ladies loft for a surprise visit and to see if he can get in a little morning nookie from any of them. Drats! Foiled again! All of them were just waking up and still in their PJ’s. And in case you were wondering, apparently none of them wear any nighties to bed. Or lingerie. Booooooooooo. Sarah W. is so stunned by Charlie’s appearance, she immediately starts getting ready and putting more bleach in. Charlie wants none of that and sends her to the kitchen to cook. If there were ever a truer moment shown to us by this show, that was it. I have a feeling Caveman Charlie is going to be asking that a lot of his new girlfriend. “Where’s my dinner? Get me another beer from the fridge. Where’s the remote?” And Sarah W. would love every minute of it.
-So as they’re sitting around eating breakfast, Charlie apologized to Anitra for getting completely sauced on their date. She didn’t seem to mind and even gave him a little wink to acknowledge it. I’m surprised when she was eating her pancakes, Charlie didn’t say how he’s allergic to them. Or when she said she loved how blue the sky was in the morning, he didn’t try to convince her it was green. Host Chris walks in with big announcement #2 for the night….the rose ceremony begins now. WHAT???!!!! And they don’t even have their makeup on! What is Sarah W. going to do? Anitra still has her hair in chopsticks. So I think it’s safe to say we can officially call this “The Most Disgusting Rose Ceremony Ever!”
-Rose Ceremony time and the girls turn to speak up. Kimberley goes first. I really liked what she had to say. Very thoughtful, very coherent, well thought out, didn’t rush her feelings, and without a doubt, said the most sexual thing on this show to date. Kimberley: “I think if you come back to Canada with me, I really think you’d fit in well.” Gulp. Next….
-Kindle: “Before I was nervous about this ceremony since I hadn’t had a one-on-one, but, I’m not nervous anymore. I couldn’t think of a better way to have a one-on-one than for you to meet my family.” Guess that’ll have to wait until after he breaks up with whoever he chooses. So give it a couple months and I’m sure he’ll come visit you.
-Time to hand out the roses. Already, Little Sarah is safe for the evening by virtue of her somehow claiming a rose without having performed any lewd sexual acts that would’ve got her arrested in most states. It’s time…
Kimberley: Very excited. “I was thinking of jumping on you.” That would’ve gone over real well. Would’ve been a first though. No one’s ever actually given oral sex at a rose ceremony, have they?
Sarah W.: Couldn’t control herself either. A lot of “Woo Hoo’s” right in Krisily’s face. Very subtle there, Sarah. Pure class.
Krisily: Granted, her and Sarah W. won’t be living together anymore, but something tells me we haven’t heard the last of these two. Probably show up at the others hometown dates.
-Anitra: “I’m disappointed I didn’t find the man for me, but I know someday that I will.” And that man will have to always want to eat, be cold at all times, and love to send emails. Good luck, Anitra. I can’t believe you have yet to find that special someone down in Manhattan Beach. Hey, how many consecutive seasons has there been at least one contestant from Manhattan Beach? Is this now a prerequisite?
-Kindle didn’t come with anything original when she got the boot. She went with the standard, “He didn’t get to know me”, then started crying. Although she made it perfectly clear that she wasn’t crying because of Charlie, she was crying because, well, of Charlie. Great reasoning. Dirk and the boys can’t wait til’ you come home.
-Sarah W. gets her two cents in before the show ends. “When it comes down to it, I’d be the best girlfriend in the whole world. Are you kidding me?” Who asked you and why are you telling us this? I can’t wait to see the families next week that spawned these four women. Well, three of them at least. Little Sarah seems normal. But checking out Krisily, Sarah W.’s, and Kimberley’s families should be a real treat. Think Kim’s parents have conducted a “Hawaiian Tropic” shrine in their home in honor of their daughter? Something tells me that probably isn’t too far fetched. “Here she is competing when she was only B-cup. But here she is after her surgery and her tummy tuck. Doesn’t she look great, Charlie?”
-And at our next rose ceremony, we have a first. The “Bachelor” breaks down and cries. Does he find out the sex of his baby already? Is he that broken up that Kimberley and Krisily will not have a threesome with him? The possibilities are endless here. I can’t wait to see it. Until next week…….
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