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4.25.05
I always love the hometown dates because it gives us a real insight as to what life form actually spawned the wackos that come on this show. And this season was no different. A couple wacky parents, a completed loudmouth Nana who reminded me so much of one of my New York aunts it was scary, and the “concerned” sister who decided to have her rack hanging all over the place. All in all, a fabulous episode that was well worth an hour of my life. I don’t think this season has produced a bad show yet. I wish every season involved Charlie O’Connell. Ok, maybe I don’t. But at least he keeps things entertaining even with his fake crying at the end. C’mon….you didn’t seriously buy that, did you? Please. If you did, consider yourself a sucker. Don’t get me wrong, the tears were real. But not for the reasons you think. He basically was upset Kimberley left without servicing his male needs. I’d be crying too. Onto last night’s show…
-Sarah B.’s hometown date is up first in McKinney, Texas. She feels her date will be a little different. Sarah B.: “I have a job and a house. It’ll be good to see about Charlie’s morals, values, and how he is towards family.” Good luck with that Sarah. Mr. Moral himself is looking for his first tongue wrestling match with you, not where he fits into your family. Please. But the fact you have a house is mighty impressive since C-list actor boy is still renting out his room at Jerry’s place. Sure is nice having a famous brother, isn’t it?
-Charlie gets introduced to Sarah’s house and meets her dog Lucy. While Sarah freshens up and takes an hour in the bathroom to do her makeup and hair, Charlie decides to start having a one-way conversation with Lucy. Although watching these two interact, I felt almost like these two were on the same level. Charlie has finally found someone his equal to share his stories with and who’ll give him the exact response he needs- which is nothing. These two were so cute together. I wanted to take a picture, frame it, and put it under my pillow at night. Charlie (to Lucy): “Me and Sarah have not made out yet cuz’ I really like her.” Yeah, that’s the reason all right. If we could only hear Lucy’s response: “Yeah whatever perv. Quit humping my leg.”
-Charlie goes over to her parents house where he meets Dad Jerry, Mom Sissy, Sister Rachael, and Brother John. Everyone seems halfway normal outside of Rachael who dresses like she and Kimberley after fighting for a one-on-one date tonight. If she were hanging out of her top any more, you could’ve draped a sash over her shoulder and wrote “Miss McKinney” on it. Apparently she wants a piece of Charlie and wants to get to Charlie’s tongue before sister Sarah does. Wow. It was Cleavage City at ol’ Sarah B.’s house tonight. Jimminy Christmas. Where did that phrase come from? Is that even how you spell it? I remember the Jimminy Cricket. So who decided to just throw in “Christmas”? And when was the last time anyone even used that phrase? Well, whenever the last time was, I felt Sarah’s cleavage deserved to bring it out once again. Jimminy Christmas.
-Sister Cleav pulls Sarah into the other room to act concerned. 36D’s: “I feel like all his answers are rehearsed.” No honey. Charlie isn’t that smart to remember his lines. That’s why he’s only made cameo appearances in “Dude, Where’s my Car”, and gets bit parts on “Crossing Jordan”. Rehearsing is not in Charlie’s vocabulary. And put a sweater on while you’re at it. The minute someone turns on the air conditioner in that house, I’m afraid the police might come raid the whole and confiscate the raisins you’re smuggling in your shirt.
-Sarah B.: “Kissing to me is so intimate. I didn’t feel we were ready for that.” Sister Boobs: “So you want to kiss him, but you’re playing a game.” Really? Women do that? So they like, want to kiss you, but hold back so they can play their game? Because god forbid they showed a liking in you, what better way to ruin that than to show affection. So Sarah B.’s is into playing games, huh? I bet her sister is thrilled since she figures now her chances just increased ten fold. How did we know the next scene would be Sister Jugs pulling Charlie aside to act concerned for her sister, when in all reality, she probably had her phone number written between her left and right breast. There definitely was enough space. She could’ve included area code too.
-So Charlie comes in and sits down with Sister Ta Ta’s and he’s sweating like a prostitute in church. If you could’ve rung out his shirt with the sweat stains under his armpits, you might’ve been able to fill a 16 oz glass. Wow. And I’m sure Sis’ Biggins sure loved every second of it. She knew she had this horndog cornered, and now was her chance. First question: “Are you doing this to boost your career?” Uhhhh, what career? He doesn’t have one in Hollywood. Seacrest Out will get a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame before this guy. Oh wait. He already did (I direct to this week’s “Reality Roundup” for my finishing touches on that thought). Second question: “Are you in this for the right reasons?” Well, that makes 10 consecutive seasons that at least one family member has asked some variation of the “Are they here for the right reasons?” question. Of course Charlie is. He wouldn’t have broke up with his girlfriend a month before filming if he wasn’t, would he have?
-Charlie: “I really enjoyed my time with Sarah B. The question is now, ‘Can we find a happy medium?’ ‘And do we have sexual chemistry?’” Translation: How long before I get to sleep with her? Had to throw the ol’ “sexual chemistry” one in there, didn’t ya’? Couldn’t let that one slide. Charlie’s heart is definitely in the right place this season. I really want him to pick the girl of his dreams and live happily ever after. Although considering he’s been dating the final two for the last, oh I don’t know, three months, I’m sure he’s learned each girl inside and out. Without a doubt, I’m guessing Charlie’s final decision will come down to who makes the most noise in bed. Or something like that.
-Commercial. “Dear Abby” is at it again. Well, not Abby herself. It’s her idiotic readers. Yet another someone who’s completely off their rocker. And I am not making these letters up, I swear. People actually write this sh** to a nationally syndicated advice columnist who prints them for everyone to read. Look at this one…
Dear Abby,
My husband and I have been married for 2 ½ years and have had an ongoing argument. When no one is home, I like to bathe with the bathroom door open because that way I can listen to television while I’m in the tub. My husband complains that his married kids might walk into the house and catch me bathing. I feel that since they don’t live here they should not walk in, and if they do, it’s their problem. Please help settle this. – “Bubbles” in Idaho.
I don’t know what’s more hilarious: The fact that her husband’s “married kids” like walking in on their stepmom rubbing herself down in the tub, or that this lady signed her name “Bubbles” in Idaho? How is this possible? Is their bathroom door adjacent to the dining room? Who has that much interest when visiting their parents to, the second they walk in the front door, sprint to the master bathroom to take a looksy at mom in all her glory? And these kids are grown and married? Maybe this is just an Idaho thing that I don’t know about. God help us if this is a universal problem and I’m just late catching on. If mom wants the door open and the TV on while pleasuring herself in the tub, by all means let her. And I love it how if she were to get caught, well, that’s “their problem”. Uhhh, I’m guessing it’d be yours too to have your stepkids looking at you dripping wet in all your nakedness. I swear I should do an advice column. This is good stuff. I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried.
-Kimberley’s date in Edmonton, Alberta Canada is up next. Charlie: “I’m looking forward to this because Kimberley and I are physically getting along more than talking. I don’t think we’ve even held down a conversation.” No, you’re right. I don’t think you have. Unless you’re referring to ones talking about her Hawaiian Tropic days or her fake breasts. Those I believe were lengthy conversations. Or maybe you spoke of her website that you’ve gotten to enter many times, www.kimchoma.com. I should get paid for giving this woman an extra 10,000 hits every Tuesday. Between www.kimchoma.com, and www.erinelmore.com from the “Apprentice”, I’m doing wonders for these ladies. How about just a signed bra in return ladies? Is that too much to ask?
-Time to visit Kims parents restaurant, “The Pyrogy House”. And no, I have no idea what a pyrogy is. Still don’t. So Charlie meets Dad Robert, Mom Marge, Brother Darcy, and Sister Brenda. That’s what I wrote down. Brother Darcy. Was her brother really named “Darcy”, or did I completely screw that up? Whatever the case, that’s her family. I’m just not sure what sex Darcy is. Anyway, Charlie’s mom is half polish, which means he’s had pyrogy’s before. And momma Marge loves that fact. Marge: “I like Charlie. I really like Charlie.” I think mom was completely stoned out at this point. She couldn’t have said that any creepier. As Marge is explaining to Charlie how to make the pyrogy’s, I was just waiting for her to end her sentence with “Eh, hoser?” Canadian accents are the best. Anytime you can quote “Strange Brew” is a good thing.
-Kimberley’s getting horny. “We didn’t kiss the whole day. Now it’s our time.” So she takes him to the back because she says they gotta make the desserts, but since Charlie saw the desserts already made, he knew what she was up to. And Charlie, for once, kept Mini O’Connell in his pants. Charlie: “I am not kissin’ you in mom and dad’s kitchen.” Awwwww, c’mon. Add a little spice to things. I’m guessing this isn’t the worst thing she’s done in there. And considering the pudgy ex-boyfriend we got a glimpse of later in the show, I’m sure he knocked that out while throwing down a few pyrogys in the kitchen. He’s beaten ya’ to it, Chucky. Might as well get it while you can.
-So Jerry and Kim leave the restaurant to head to a local bar for more alone time. Funny, considering they never showed any alone time that he had with Sarah B. I wonder what….oh wait. Here comes the set up. Formerly booted and fellow Canadian Jenny re-appears with Kimberley’s ex-boyfriend, Jason. Jenny: “Jason is a friend of mine and an ex of Kimberley’s. I figured we’d just stop by.” Oh, so you just happened to be in the neighborhood, Charlie and Kimberley just happened to be on their alone date, and you just happened to stumble across these two in the entire city of Edmonton? All the while just happening to be hanging out with Kimberley’s ex that night? Hey, makes sense. Convinced me. Who cares how it happened, this is something I wanna see. So that means Kimberley and Jenny knew each other heading into this thing. They had to have. With all the time they spent bonding in the house, it never came up that Kim’s ex was a guy named Jason that Jenny was best friends with? Please.
-Commercial. Everyone mark next Wednesday, May 4th on your calendars. No, not because it means only 27 days left til’ my birthday. No, next Wednesday “ABC’s Prime Time Live” ran a promo that said this: “Television’s most watched program, ‘American Idol’, will be rocked with a claim so shocking, you’ll never watch ‘American Idol’ the same again.” Now this I gotta see. I’ll be front and center for that show. I read ABC was doing an expose on the show, I just didn’t know when it was airing. Well, now we have our answer. This better be good. You don’t build something like that up then have it end up being something miniscule like Randy Jackson has a crush on Scott Savol. If they’re gonna promo it like that, it can only be possibly one of two things: These kids are lip synching, or, the show’s voting is fixed. With that magnitude of a build up, those would be the only satisfying results. And I don’t think the lip synching one is true. In fact, it’s not. But the voting has always seemed a little suspicious to me considering outside of the Clay vs. Reuben finale, we’ve never heard by how many votes anyone has ever won. So how do we know the independent outside source is being honest about tallying the votes? We don’t. I’m gonna dig a little deeper to see if I can find this secret out before next week. And if it’s that Seacrest Out is coming out, I’ll off myself.
-Back to the good stuff, where ex live-in boyfriend pulls Kimberley aside to grill her. Jason: “We lived together for a year and stuff. Can this guy harness the Kim Wild?” Then he proceeds to tell the camera that Kim is known in Edmonton as “Kim Wild”. Really? And what could he possibly mean by that? That she’s a real pool shark around town? Or maybe that Kim is the best wild game hunter north of the border? Or maybe it just means that in between her legs has been used for more pit stops than a family of six on a cross country roadie? “Kim Wild”? Hawaiian Tropic girl? You don’t say? Shocking news to me, really. I’m stunned. I love this jealous ex-boyfriend. Good stuff buddy. Can you come back next season just to ruin someone else’s chances too? Why do I have a feeling the nickname “Kim Wild” originates from a brass pole, $1 bills, and favors in the Champagne room? Crazy room.
-Ex Jason is still at it with Kim. Jason: “Do you have the meatball connection with this guy? I can never picture me telling anyone else they’re my meatball. You’ll always be my meatball.” I mean, I couldn’t make this stuff up if I tried. I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve had some pretty corny and cheesy pet names for ex-girlfriends, but nothing, and I mean NOTHING, comes as close to calling her “meatball”. How romantic. “Oh meatball. I love you.” “No two people could possibly love each other more than us meatballs.” “Play with my meatball, meatball.” I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry during this touching moment. I’ll tell you what. I almost splattered the lemon herb chicken I had for dinner all over the floor though. Meatball? I cannot for the life of me see how these two ended up apart.
-Kimberley puts the meatball fiasco behind her, leaves Meatball sitting there stewing in his own meatball form, knowing he’s headed straight home to punch his meatball a couple hundred times. Kimberley: “The way I feel right now, I’ve never felt before. It’s awesome. I think I’m falling in love with Charlie, my sausage.” Then these two start making out in the streets of Edmonton, where “Kim Wild” became known amongst all the local patrons as the town meatball eater. And after she’s done licking Charlie’s tongue, we get this response, “Yummy.” I’m all meatballed out at this point. This chick has probably served herself up more Edmonton meatball than busy Saturday night at the “Macaroni Grill.” Good for her. “Mange! Mange!”
-Sarah W.’s boring date in Corning, NY is up next. They sit down at a coffee shop where she used to work so she could make him up a hot chocolate. She looks like the coffee shop type. Charlie immediately begins with the grilling of what she said to Sarah B. about knowing the final four. Charlie: “You told Sarah B. who the final four was and that it didn’t include her.” Immediately, Sarah W. goes on the defensive saying, well, nothing. I still don’t know the reason she gave to defend herself on that one. I was too busy laughing. Sarah W.: “It’s obvious to me that girls in the house are portraying me in a negative way to Charlie. It’s outrageous and completely unexpected.” Unexpected? You babbled to someone you knew the final four when you didn’t, and you said you have dirt on Sarah B. that could kill her, yet you won’t reveal it? Yeah, I’d be shocked too that everyone was after me.
-So he goes to her house to meet Dad Jake, Mom Karen, Sister Chelsey, and Dog Twinkie. The first question Chelsey asks her sister is, or should I say the first question we see Chelsey ask her sister is: “How do you get along with the other girls.” Then Sarah W. goes “Audrey from the ‘Apprentice’” on us again. Sarah W.: “I do get noticed. I create a presence in the room. That’s what happens when you’re kind of a diva.” Now she’s a diva? Says who? This girl? Ms. Bleached Blonde “Everyone-looks-at-me-all-the-time-don’t-hate-me-cuz-I’m-beautiful”? Please. This chick’s on crack. And completely full of herself. And the longer Charlie keeps her around, the more we have to hear about how beautiful she thinks she is. Now, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t give her the “roll over” by any means, but she’s not ALL that. In fact, she’s probably a prime candidate to receive…..forget it. No need to go there.
-Little sis’ Chelsey gets her one minute of fame to the camera, and what does she do? Chelsey: “Sarah doesn’t try to get attention from guys. Guys were just always drawn to her.” “Ladies and gentlemen, your air sickness bag is in the seat back in front of you.” Does Sarah drill into her sister that she’s the prettiest, and no matter what Chelsey does, she’ll never be as pretty as big sis’? I have a feeling someone might want to report Sarah W. to child services. The Cult of Sarah she’s drawn her sister into can’t be good for her future, can it? Next thing you know, Chelsey will have black Nikes on, wearing a purple shroud, and looking for the mothership with some 80 year buzz cut dude named Doe Applewhite. “Hey everyone, let’s cut off our testicles, eat apple sauce, drink cyanide, and wait to be picked up.” Great idea, guys. Glad that worked out well for you.
-As they’re sitting around the dinner table, Charlie tells the family outside of his bad acting, he also took ballet growing up and actually performed in the “Nutcracker” once. Which was quite ironic since Chelsey also starred in the “Nutcracker” herself, and now her and Charlie had something in common so that made him feel better. Well, that and the fact he didn’t have to hear Chelsey defend her sister again for no particular reason. I’m sure Chelsey talked about herself and her accomplishments as opposed to how gorgeous her sister was. Although, I wouldn’t be surprised if Sarah W. never attended one of her sisters plays and made her scrub the floors when she went out on a Saturday night. I’m sick of Sarah W. but something is eating at me that this chick is going to win.
-Finally, we get Krisily’s hometown date in Warwick, R.I. This date was important for two reasons. One, Krisily gets her first one-on-one date with Charlie. And secondly, we get meet Nana Krisily, who just about reminded me of every aunt and grandmother I have back in New York. Holy smokes. None of them are nearly that belligerent, they all just sound like her. First off, Charlie gets to meet Krisily’s cousin Michelle, who not only gets to grill him on why he’ll end up dumping her sooner rather than later, but gets to give him a much needed haircut in the meantime. And if we’re dealing with people from Rhode Island, you knew we’d get something like this. Michelle: “Krisily’s wuhhrried about getting her hahht broken.” Great accent.
-Time to meet the rest of the family: Mom Cheryl, Crazy Nana Kathy, Step Dad Bob, and Auntie Lori. What a clan this was. Well, at least Crazy Nana Kathy was. Immediately when Charlie walks in, I can hear my Aunt Loretta already, “Yew look so haaaaandsome honey!!!” Oh god. This is frightening. I’m 3,000 miles away and I feel like I’m at a family reunion. Anyway, Krisily’s family has already accepted Chah-lie as one of theirs since someone went on the internet, grabbed one of his modeling photos, framed it, and put it up on their mantle. Scary.
-Nana Kathy is in rare form. “When I heard she was on the Bay-uh-chel-uh, I asked, ‘Are you a good kiss-uh?”. Be-coy-uz if ya’ not, you betta’ go pra-uhk-tice. All they do is kiss, kiss, kiss on that Bay-uh-chel-uh.” So Nana Kathy got an advanced screening to this season? They were updating her as the season was going along? Lucky her. No other families got that. Yes Nana, you’re right. No doubt you’ve hit the nail on the head. Nothing but kiss, kiss, kiss on the “Bachelor”. And just wait til the exotic dates next week when your granddaughter gets poked, poked, poked in Aruba.
-Krisily is getting attached. Krisily: “It’s been a long time since I’ve been around a man that made me feel good.” Her and Chah-lie are enjoying the night sky out on her front porch where she gets to show her kissing skills for the very first time. Nothing like a nice private moment like this after a long, arduous, journey. Of course, Mom and Nana were watching through the window and commenting on every roll of the tongue, but who’s counting? Let em’ watch. Probably isn’t the first time, and most certainly won’t be the last. Krisily will get over it.
-Before Chah-lie leaves, he gets a good dance in with Nana, who even grinds up against him and has him completely aroused. This is getting carried away. Nana has completely stolen the last 10 minutes. Who doesn’t want to see her embarrass her granddaughter even more? I’m all for it. So Krisily walks Chah-lie out to the car, they kiss, she goes back inside to take more from Nana. Nana: “What you gotta do now is try to get him in bed….Get him in bed and try to jump on him.” Just wait a week, Grams. Just wait a week. Aruba next week with the chance to spend the night alone in the room. This is where things get really good. Especially this season. If Charlie somehow does not manage to get laid in Aruba, I think they need to re-think the whole exotic date thing altogether. Granted, Kimberley’s not around to offer her services next week, but we still have two very willing participants I think. Sarah B. is barely gotten the ball out of the infield yet while the others are rounding third and coming home. Step it up ladies. Next week is your chance to shine.
-Rose ceremony time. Everyone is in nice dresses and Krisily has jeans on. I don’t know why. Charlie: “I had a great time meeting all your families….they were all great…(sniff sniff)…this isn’t easy for me…(sniff sniff)….it’s a tough decision….(fake sniff, fake sniff)….and I’m not having fun with it at all.”
Sarah B.: Next week, she steps it up and goes for the stand up double.
Krisily: “All aboard! The ride on the O’Connell train begins in one week.”
Sarah W.: With the known hostility between Sarah W. and Krisily, can’t you just see these two in the finals duking it out for Charlie over the last three months while he’s been sleeping with them both? I’m sure both of these well rounded, secure individuals aren’t having a hard time with that at all.
-Charlie swears that coming into the night, he had no idea Kimberley would be the one going home. And frankly, I believe him. I didn’t either. News to me. And I still don’t know because he really didn’t even give a reason. I guess Hawaiian Tropic photo shoots where he’d be tempted to cheat just didn’t really suit him all that well. Oh well. I’m sure with the extra 10,000 hits her website will be getting today, finding a date shouldn’t be too hard. But she’s gonna have to move outside of Edmonton since everyone there has seemingly already had their turn, according to our best ex-boyfriend Jason. I think every girl’s ex should appear on the show at some point. Would make it a whole hell of a lot more interesting.
-Kimberley: “I’ve never felt like this before…..it’s like I got hit by a train…I don’t know if Charlie could’ve handled me…I’m not that wild of a girl, I just like to have fun….it’s really hard to say goodbye, but I have a feeling I’ll see him again.” You will? Where? Is this gonna be another Trish stalker thing? Does Charlie checking out your website with his pants down count as “seeing him again.” I’m guessing that happens once or a 1,000 times in the next few months. The minute he dumps Krisily/Sarah W./Sarah B. is the minute Miss Hawaiian Tropic is getting a phone call. You know it’ll happen.
-So next week, all three girls are in Aruba for the exotic dates, but don’t realize it til they all show up and see each other. Good stuff. And Charlie has to do the ol’ sneak around so that none of the other two women see him on his date inserting tongue into mouth. Might get the others jealous. And apparently one of the ladies chickens out and doesn’t invite him back to the fantasy suite for a game of “catch the nookie”. Hmmm…I wonder who that is? Although, it didn’t sound like Sarah B. in the sound bite. This better be good. This season depends on it. Well, not really. This is still the best season we have no matter if he impregnates someone next week or not. Let’s just hope he does. Until then….
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