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THE BACHELOR 7 LINKS
4.4.05
So the ratings for Charlie’s debut as the “Bachelor” last week were less than expected. Not surprising. Anyone going off the last few seasons probably wanted no part of this one. But once word gets around that this season is ten times more entertaining than past seasons, it should do better. I kind of alluded to it last week, but I think one of the more endearing qualities about Charlie is, as much of a skirt chaser as he is, at least this guy doesn’t pretend to be someone he’s not. Which is completely different from our previous six bachelors. All those guys would give us the bogus, “I’m here to find love. I’m here for all the right reasons” B.S. when we inevitably knew they did the show to either just be on t.v., or in Jesse Palmer’s case, ummmm, I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure out why he did the show. But you get what I’m saying. Charlie isn’t going to feed us the politically correct lines about all that garbage. He’s looking to drink, have fun, and maul as many women as he can. Has the guy said the word “marriage” at all in two episodes? I don’t think he has. It’s always “just looking for someone to have fun with.” Aren’t we all, Charlie? And in re-reading last week’s column after the fact, I’m actually impressed I only called Charlie “Jerry” one time. Expect it to happen again at some point. Let’s begin…
-No Chris or Charlie to start out the show this week, which was different. Nope. They went immediately to the cat fighting. This one was between Krisily and Kerry. Just a little tidbit of info for those that don’t know. Kerry used to date Wendell from “Bachelorette 3”. Means nothing other than she probably wasn’t long for this show. Anyway, her and Krisily are bitching about one of the stupidest things you’ll ever hear two women fighting about: Krisily heard Kerry say at the last rose ceremony that she couldn’t believe she was sitting next to her. Yes, a grown woman whining about possibly getting coodies from another woman. I didn’t understand it either, and I’m shocked they started the show with this. To make matters worse, this situation brought Kerry to tears. Kerry: “I’m in shock right now.” Yeah, so are we. Quit your crying and admit you’re upset at Kerry because she thought of letting another man lick her stomach on top of a bar before you did.
-We then cut to Charlie who’s at his place playing with the head shots of all the girls in the competition. Most notably, he has Danushke’s picture in his hand and pretending he’s her. Yeah, like any of the previous six bachelors we ever could’ve seen doing this, and Charlie is doing it after three days. Quite entertaining, especially considering his impersonation of Danushke was dead on calling all the other girls “sluts” before throwing her picture to the ground and saying, “I just want to meet a good girl.” I just hope Charlie doesn’t beat that horse into the ground about “good girl, someone I can have fun with, someone who’s real, etc..” But I have a feeling he will. Oh well. Better than listening to the load of crap Guiney shoveled to us for eight episodes.
-Host Chris then informs the twelve ladies there will be two one-on-one dates and one group date with the remaining 10 girls. But on the one-on-ones, Charlie will make a determination by the end of the date whether you receive a rose or not. If you do, you’re safe at the rose ceremony. If not, sayanora. Pack your bags and get the hell our of there without saying goodbye. The solo dates go to the two women who were most compatible with Charlie based on their original applications, which went to Megan and Sarah W. Now, why they didn’t go into detail on this “application” is beyond me. I really would’ve liked to have seen how these two matched up. Thanks to the resources here at realitysteve.com, I was secretly given a copy of these application questions. No one before has seen this, so in an exclusive you’ll see nowhere else, I will share those questions with you. They were:
1. Are you looking to settle down with a D-list, out-of-work actor?
2. Do you know who Jerry O’Connell is?
3. If you answered “yes” to the previous question, you’re in luck. Then you know who our next “Bachelor” will be. It’s his brother. How bummed are you now?
4. Did you ever see any movie involving Charlie O’Connell before it arrived at your door from Netflix?
5. If at all costs, if you’re on a date with Charlie, and you sense things aren’t going well, are you willing to completely whore yourself out to get a rose?
6. If you answered “yes” to the previous question, would you be willing to skip taking your pill for that evening? Bonus: If you happen to be a single mom, would you mind another addition to your household?
7. Do you get along with women? If “no”, please return your pencil and paper to our producers and thank you for your time. If “yes”, continue on and tell us in 100 words or less, the drama that you plan to cause in the house.
8. Final Question: Have you ever videotaped yourself doing naughty things to a man you had just met within the last two weeks? Would you be interested in that?
Ummm, I guess Megan and Sarah W. both got A-pluses on that one. Not an easy one to pass. I wonder if they brought cheat sheets along with them.
-So Megan’s date is up first, and since there’s a chance she won’t be returning, she must pack her stuff and leave it by the front door before leaving on the date. Should she bring her torch to so Host Chris can snuff it out if Charlie doesn’t give her a rose? Man, at least the “Bachelor” is taking a few pointers from the most successful reality show of all time. The rose ceremonies are now like “Tribal Council”, everyone is looking to backstab someone else, and even Host Chris is banging one of the former contestants. Oh wait. He’s married with a newly born child. Woops. Ok, it’s almost like “Survivor”.
-Commercial. As much of a sports nut as I am, I really don’t think “Fever Pitch” is going to be any good. I have a feeling Jimmy Fallon is going to try and have the kind of success that Adam Sandler has had since he left SNL, but inevitably, his career will end up being more like Rob Schneider’s. Already two down with “Taxi Driver” and “Fever Pitch”. Couple more bombs and he’s on par with Ted Kaczynski. He’s a good sketch comedian, but there’s not a chance in hell he could carry a whole movie. You know his career will officially be over the minute he returns to host SNL. And I fully expect that to happen this season. And I think we should set an over/under at how many movies Drew Barrymore will make that co-star either Adam Sandler or Jimmy Fallon. I’ll set the over/under at thirty-two. Place your bets. In fact, I’m willing to bet she won’t make another movie without one of them in it.
-Megan has decided before her date with Charlie that she wants to spice things up a bit, be a little spontaneous, and change her hair color to blonde. Translation: The only remote chance I have of this guy paying attention to me for more than five seconds is if I become a ditzy blonde who giggles and lets him maul me. So Megan has Caesar come over to the house. Caesar, according to Megan, is “a top notch hair stylist in Manhattan”. In other words, he was the only stylist working for ABC that was available. And that was gay enough. I noticed that when Caesar was washing her Megan’s hair, the hair products on the counter were all blurred out. Apparently Caesar doesn’t use Pantene Pro-V, Neutrogena, or L’Oreal products. I know. There is no apostrophe in L’Oreal. At least I don’t think there is. But if I spelled that right, I swear to you, I don’t own any of their products. It was a complete guess.
-Krisily has some of her sage advice for Megan that she tells the camera. Krisily: “You don’t have to dye your hair to get a guy.” Wow. One of these women actually knows something about men. That Krisily’s a real bright one. She’s dead on. With all due respect ladies, men don’t care about hair style or color. The only time we care is when you noticeably make a change to the way you do your hair because we know we have to comment about how we like that change, regardless of if we do or not. I mean, another no-win situation you corner us into. If we say, “Yes honey, I think you’re hair looks great that way”, we get back “I knew you hated my other hair style”. If we say, “What’d you do to your hair?”, well, we might as well just pull out the sleeping bag and head straight on out to the couch. Or the front porch. And here’s a universal tip you should know: If you don’t change your hair style, but get three or less inches taken off, we have no idea. We cannot tell these types of things. The only way we know if you had any hair removed from your head is if you literally went from having it halfway down your back to now above your shoulders. The minute you hear a guy say to you, “Honey, what’d you get…four or five inches taken off today?”, just run. Your boyfriend probably has his own boyfriend.
-Of course, not two seconds after Megan enters the elevator to leave for her date, the women all start pouncing on the bad blonde job Caesar, the “top notch hair stylist in Manhattan”, did on her. Some of the ladies’ comments “I wouldn’t call that blonde”, “Looks like she just had a lotta blonde highlights to me”, “If anything, it was more reddish….” Women are the best. I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s worth noting again. There hasn’t been a more truer line ever spoken than when Chris Rock stated, “Women hate women.” Those three words should be the backbone of this country. They should start putting that on all license plates. That’s our country’s motto. We think it’s hilarious how all women HAVE to comment on something other women are wearing. HAVE to. Whether it’s her dress, shoes, hair, makeup, necklace, bracelet, perfume, nailpolish, hair clip, bobby pin, ring, lotion, etc. The list could go on for pages. There’s three guarantees in life: death, taxes, and that your woman will always find a way to comment on what another woman is wearing. And fellas, if she doesn’t, then don’t let her get away cuz’ she’s a keeper. And those backhanded compliments are always the best. They try and sneak those in there once or a thousand times.
-Charlie sees Megan and her new hair for the first time. Charlie: “Wow. What a change. I was looking for a brunette. I was shocked.” Translation: What’d you do to your hair? He tried to cover himself at dinner by saying how much he liked what she did to her hair. Too late pal. If you don’t say anything in the first five seconds of meeting her, she knows you don’t like it. Remember, we’re supposed to acknowledge and notice these things right away. This is what’s important to them. So they’re date went on, Charlie asked questions, Megan answered with what she thought Charlie wanted to hear, and he didn’t give her a rose. So back to Florida St. she goes to do more cheerleading and doing more of nothing right now since she’s “in between” jobs. So I guess that means back to bartending. The only thing that ruined this was, if you remember the previews from last week, they showed the bags being loaded into the elevator, and since we saw Megan’s bags before the date, and can put two and two together, I kinda knew she wasn’t getting a rose and going home. But maybe that’s just me because I’m smart. Or not.
-Megan is pretty distraught. Megan (crying): “I know I can hold my own with those girls….I don’t get it…I guess I read Charlie wrong…I feel like I am, well, a loser.” Well, look on the bright side honey. In a way, you are. You didn’t win. You don’t get to be Charlie’s playtoy. Maybe that’s not such a bad thing. Did you read Charlie wrong? Yeah, probably. We all do. Even ex-cheerleaders and bartenders like yourself. Imagine that. You read someone wrong on a reality show. What are things coming to these days? Shocker.
-Commercial. Oprah is just reeling in the big guests. Last week she nabs Lisa Marie Presley so she can tell the world her and Michael Jackson definitely consumated they’re marriage. Ewwww. Didn’t need to hear that again. Now today, she has on Linda Hamilton (Sarah Connor from the “Terminator” movies), because apparently she’s suffering from hallucinating on more than one occasion. Hell, you would to if you thought the T-1000 was still out there trying to kill you and your son. Don’t you realize the pressure she’s under? The baby she gave birth to will eventually be the leader of the free world and is the only one who can stop the war vs. the machines when Judgment Day comes. Oh, that’s a movie? My bad. Quit hallucinating then, Linda. Calm down.
-Sarah W.’s date with Charlie is up next and they take a water taxi to a local brewery that his friend owns. In case you didn’t know, a water taxi is a fancy way of saying the word “boat”. Anyway, seems like a lot of Charlie’s buddies are getting free advertising for their establishments this season since every date seems to be at one of his friends bars, pubs, or pizza places. This date is going incredibly well for a couple reasons. First off, Sarah W. and him having amazing chemistry. It really helps a lot when two people can hit it off like these two can in such a short period of time. And secondly, Sarah W. puts out on the first date. And we all know that putting out leads to getting a rose. After she receives the rose, the major tongue action begins. Both try and suck the oxygen right out of the others system. Sarah W.: “I wouldn’t call his technique smooth, but it was definitely cute and adorable. He won’t have to try hard at all to kiss me next time. I’ll do that on my own.” For some crazy reason, I’m feeling no need to doubt Sarah W. for one second on that. Really weird.
-Back at the house, while Sarah and Charlie’s faces are permanently stuck together on their date, the women decide to throw a pajama party. In all honesty, they showed this scene for maybe 20 seconds, and I realized something. There was no point to this whatsoever other than to get every guy watching the show all excited. I know I was. I mean, 11 women, all wearing pajamas, giggling and jumping around the house like high schoolers? What guy isn’t into that? Can we get more outtakes of this? I’m sure a hell of a lot more went on if the only clip we saw was two of the girls re-enacting the scene from last week where Charlie took the body shot off Krisily’s stomach. For christ sakes, I had to pause the TiVo and take a cold shower afterwards. Then I hit rewind when I came back. And was there a reason all the girls had the same exact pajamas on? What was that all about? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I’m just curious as to why ABC felt the need to have them all wearing the same thing. Whatever. I don’t question. I just enjoy.
-Commercial. Uh oh. It’s that time again. I think this might become a weekly feature considering it’s just to good not to pass up, because I just can’t get enough of these “Dear Whoever” letters. This week’s letter comes from yesterday’s “Dear Abby”. It reads:
I am a 29 year old woman who wants very much to get married. I have been dating a wonderful man who wants to marry me. “Byron” is intelligent, kind, generous, and shares my values. He’s not bad looking, either. The only problem is I feel very little physical attraction to him. Part of me reasons that physical passion tends to fade over the years anyway, and I would be crazy to pass up a man who has so much else to offer. What should I do? - Confused in Cambridge, Mass.
First thing you should do is stop ever-so-subtly throwing right into the middle of your letter “He’s not bad looking, either”, then tell us you have no physical attraction to him. Let me help you out here “Confused”. Just because “Byron” is ugly, can’t get it up, and is terrible in bed, doesn’t mean you can’t marry him. If you can live with the fact that your partner is fugly, you’ll never be satisfied sexually the rest of your life, and that “Byron” is probably embarrassed to hell you felt the need to ask this in a nationally syndicated column, go ahead and take the plunge. Hope you’re not confused anymore. That’s why I’m here.
-Group date time. And what a doozy this one is. It’s a pool party. Drinking, bikni’s, and a pool. Have I told you how much I’m enjoying this season? The creative genius who said, “No need to send these people out to five star restaurants. Let’s just put 10 of em’ in a group date at the pool”, deserves a raise. Charlie has two roses to give out at this group date and informs us how big this date is. Charlie: “We’re at ‘Stage Flirting’, and ‘Operation Flirt’ is in progress.” Gotta love this horndog. I really hope that water was cold enough. Noticed they never showed Charlie from the waist down at any point he was out of the water? Uhhhh, I think there was a reason for that with the twenty flotation devices all surrounding him, about fourteen of which were fake.
-Someone asked, “Do you watch sports, or are you one of those guys that doesn’t like them?” Ummmm no, Charlie’s not gay. He likes sports. Remember, he wants to golf on Saturdays, and watch football on Sundays. Which is I’m sure what every single one of you ladies were hoping he’d say. And I’m sure what every one of you ladies we’re hoping your next “Bachelor” would be about – golf and football. Charlie’s face was priceless. He’s floating stomach down on a raft, fielding random questions from ten girls in bikini’s all wanting to do him right there in the pool. And he knew it. Pretty good stuff.
-During this date, they cut away for maybe fifteen seconds to show Sarah W. back at the house doing nothing other than picking up her Verizon cellphone to receive a video message from Charlie saying what a great time he had on their date. No other point to this other than Verizon probably paid for some ad time and decided that video messaging was the way to go. How cute. Although Charlie’s giant head on that small screen was kinda freaky looking. Sarah W. didn’t seem to mind. I mean, she is carrying his baby and all. I think.
-Kara, the single mom, pulls Charlie aside so mommy can show her little daughter how to flirt with the boys. She asks him if he’s ever seriously dated a single mom before and he says no. She then goes to reveal a little about how she managed to pop out a kid when she was seventeen. It was a high school relationship, it was her first love, she thought they were gonna be together forever, blah blah blah. Never thought I’d hear that story coming from Kara. No way. Anyway, the husband “disappeared” afterwards, but, that’s the best thing that could’ve happened to her because it made her the woman she is today. So the sob story gets Kara the second rose of the evening, and now our little 9 year old sitting at home gets to watch mommy make out with a stranger on national television. I’m sure she’s fascinated by all of this and won’t become the talk of her class tomorrow at school. If this daughter doesn’t end up in porn, I’d be stunned. You can hear her story now, “Daddy wasn’t around when I was young, and Mommy used to make out with D-list celebrities on reality dating shows.” You know it’s coming.
-Commercial. Real quick, but was anyone else completely creeped out by the way they just propped the ol’ Pope’s body up on a surfboard yesterday and just carried him around like he was on display? Was I the only one disturbed by this?
-Charlie either doesn’t want to get caught with a chubby in the pool, or he was forced to leave by the producers, but for some reason, he cuts the pool party with ten girls in bikini’s short and decides to head back to the girls place to see them “in their element”, and hand out the 2nd rose of the date. Nine women were still competing for that final rose, but only one true warrior decided to step up to the plate, out do all the other women, and completely go with the full slut look to grab the all important rose. Once they got back to the place, Kimberley went from being in her bikini, to putting on her bra and a sarong. I think that’s all she was wearing. I mean really, as big a whore as that chick is, do we honestly think she had anything on under the sarong? Please. Her reasoning? Kimberley: “There was only one rose left, and I had to change.” You’re already a slut, how exactly were you changing?
-So Kimberley leads Charlie away from all the other women, takes him upstairs half naked, and they start going at it like school children. We’ve had nine seasons of the “Bachelor/ette”, and I think this was by far the two biggest sluts we’ve ever seen going at it. These two made no bones whatsoever about it being all physical at this point. I don’t think they said more than seven words to each other. She mentioned some bullsh** about speaking Russian or something. Like he cared. Charlie: “I love the fact that Kimberley is just being herself and not taking this whole process so seriously. Not to mention she’s hot.” There we go, Charlie. No hiding back. Make sure you get that in there. That’s the pig we all want to see. Needless to say, Kimberley got herself a rose. And a mouthful of Charlie’s saliva.
-While Charlie and Kimberley are filming a soft core porn in the other room, Sarah W. and Krisily start having issues. Shocker. Krisily is getting on some of the girls nerves? Sarah W.: “This has been going on since the first grade, dealing with girls being mean to me because I’m pretty and boys like me.” Huh? Boys aren’t horny in the first grade, sweetie. We think all girls are yucky at that point. No need to exaggerate the story by saying you were being chased all the way back in first grade. Please. Krisily: “I just think you’re a bullsh** artist.” Probably the most accurate thing Krisily’s said in the last two weeks. Sarah W.: “Krisily is just a huge b***h who wants to win, and she’ll put whoever she has to put down to do it.” Pretty much. What’s wrong with that? Makes the show that much more entertaining.
-Even though Sarah W. has had her one-on-one with Charlie, she still felt the need to grab him and pull him aside since Krisily yelled at her. What took place next was indescribable, but I’ll do the best I can. I should’ve probably paused and TiVo’ed through this whole speech she gave Charlie to give you an accurate assessment of what she said. But I’ll do my best. I’m paraphrasing here of course, but, I think I’m pretty dead on. Ah-hem. Here is Sarah W. speaking to Charlie: “I’m like, it’s been such a long time, like, I…like, oh my god, I feel so cheesy, like, I mean, like, it’s been such a long time since, like, I’ve like met someone that like, you know, I really like. Like, I can’t believe I’m crying, like, I have like, a major crush on you, like, I feel all like, floaty, and like, I’m glowing, like, I’m like really happy. Like.” And if think I exaggerated on the “like’s”, you’re sorely mistaken. I probably left out fifty or so. It was unbelievable the 6th grade grammar this chick carried. I would eliminate her just on that. What a huge turn off. Of course, Charlie could give a rat’s ass since she’s one of the ones that puts out.
-Time for the rose ceremony. But first, let the trash talking begin. Krisily, you’re up first. Go! Krisily: “I enjoyed my time with you, you’ve probably heard about the catfighting at the house, I’m not here to make friends, blah blah blah”. Booooooooo. That sucked. Time for you to come with all guns blazing at the rose ceremonies. Doesn’t matter. Kerry, Wendell’s ex-slam, chimes in and immediately throws Krisily under the bus. Kerry: “There’s been one instigator in this whole house, and it’s been Krisily.” Like Charlie listened to any of this. See, here’s where Kerry made her mistake. Kerry pointed out Krisily’s flaws when all Charlie remembers is sucking on her stomach. He could care less what she does around the house. The more drama, the better. Then Kindle basically tells everyone something we already knew. Kindle: “We’re girls…we don’t all get along….the most competitive thing among girls is guys.” Amen sister. Glad you reiterated my point from earlier. How’s Dirk in bed? Been with Jerry Stackhouse yet? Anyway, onto the ceremony….
-Three women already have roses. Sarah W., Kara the Mommy, and Kimberley the Hooker. Five more get some…..
Anitra: This girl maybe said one sentence the whole episode.
Jenny: Never really saw her alone with Charlie, but she had a lot to say about the others and their dates.
Sarah: She noticed at poolside that Krisily and Charlie have a connection. That’s all I remember about her. And that she’s about 4’6”.
Kindle: Barely appeared until she spoke up at the rose ceremony. Maybe that saved her.
Krisily: Too slutty not to get a rose.
-It’s fair to say at this point, there are three women that come across much more sluttier than the remaining five: Kimberley, Sarah W., and Krisily. If the other girls want to stick around much longer, they might want up turn on their “whore” meter to full blast. And for those that don’t know, this season’s finale is different than in season’s past. The finale has Charlie down to two final women. He’s currently dating both of them as we speak. On the live finale show, he’ll make his decision on which one he wants to continue seeing over the other. Do I know who the final two are? No, but I do have a college education. I think I pretty much have an idea where he’s headed. And yes, I used “headed” on purpose.
-A few rejected girls aren’t pleased. Gina Marie: “I’m pissed. I thought I would go the whole way.” Well, you probably would’ve gone the whole way if you would’ve gone the whole way with Charlie. Catch my drift? Kerry: “I’m very upset. I can’t believe he picked Krisily. She’s white trash, I am not, and that’s all there is to it.” Maybe. But she’s white trash who lifts her top half way off so Charlie lick salt off her and suck on a lemon. Hey, Wendell’s still available as far as I know. Why not try and latch on to him again?
-The previews for next week seemed to give away something. Two girls get solo dates again, with one group date. The two solo’s look like they went to Kimberley and Kara the Make Out Mommy. They show a clip from the rose ceremony where Kimberley is sitting on the “I Whored Out Enough to Get a Rose Earlier Than You” couch, and the clip from Kara’s date shows her asking him, “Would you seriously date a single mom?” Charlie then had the “deer in the headlights” look to him. Things don’t look good for Mama. I think our little daughter might have herself a rough week at school next week. Until next week…..
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