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5.2.05
Well, a couple of firsts last night on the “Bachelor”. We had a woman receive a rose that actually turned down an overnight stay in the suite. And we had our first contestant conceive a child in the open waters. Not too shabby of a parting gift, huh? Well, you didn’t win, but for your troubles, here’s a bun in the oven. Congrats. And yet another first? This show was mostly about two things: Sarah W. and Sarah W. And maybe a little Sarah W. We’ll get to her later. The producers however really overemphasized the fact that Sarah W. didn’t think she was going home. They made it a little too obvious as the show went on that she was leaving with all the “I’m so confident I’ll get a rose” remarks. Then with Sarah B. turning down an invitation into Charlie’s pants overnight, and him subsequently telling the camera, “We’re running out of time here. Sarah B. seems to still be holding back”, it was almost a dead giveaway who was going to leave. All in all though, another entertaining episode. Let’s begin….
-Suddenly over the course of this season, Sarah W. somewhere became known as Sarah “Dub”. I don’t know who started this, and I don’t know when it was started, all I know is that’s stupid. “Dub”? Are we that lazy as Americans that we’ve relegated ourselves to abbreviating an initial? Saying “W” is too much for us to handle so we somehow are able to cut a one-letter, two-syllable word into one-syllable? God help us all. I can’t stand calling anything “Dub”. Sorry. Had to get that off my chest.
-The beginning of the show started with all the girls so excited to be having their exotic dates in Aruba, although at the time, none of them knew the other two girls would be there as well. This really wasn’t that exciting since we’ve known for week that this was going to be the first time all the girls had their exotic dates in the same location. So getting out of the SUV’s and everyone seeing everyone else there was pretty anticlimactic if you ask me. However, it’s always kinda priceless to see the looks on “Dub’s” (woops) and Krisily’s face when they have to look at each other. And now that they were both going to have to share Charlie’s johnson on the same beach made it somewhat entertaining.
-Krisily made a big deal all episode about the fact that she’s never been anywhere. Never travelled, never used a passport before, etc. So Aruba was quite a culture shock for her. She doesn’t get out much. Her idea of a vacation is going to Fenway Park three times a week. One of the more recent stories I read about Krisily was that she works in some capacity for the Red Sox, yet it doesn’t say that under her name on the show. I think it would be kinda cool if every time Krisily’s name appeared on the show it read, Krisily, 29, Warwick, R.I., Red Sox groupie”. Instead, it says she’s a “Salon coordinator”. Huh? What is that? She coordinates salons? Uhhhhhhh….ok. Whatever you say. She’s a groupie and a former Miss Rhode Island. Let’s be honest here.
-Sarah W.’s date is up first, and she’s comin’ out of the box swingin’: “I’m an adventurous, fun, wild girl….Charlie hasn’t gotten to see that…I really need to set myself apart, and there’s no way anyone else can show Charlie a better time in Aruba than me.” Translation: Losing is not an option here. Sex in the ocean it is. In case you haven’t noticed, Sarah W. isn’t the most humble person in the world. You might have missed that. Apparently her beauty is first and foremost when it comes to, well, basically everything. We learned a lot about Sarah W. tonight. She’s beautiful, she knows it, she wants you to know it, she wants Charlie to know it, and she likes to have sex standing up in the ocean. One other thing we learned? She’s going home with morning sickness.
-So Charlie and her ride whatever those things are called in the sand so he can see her adventurous side. After maybe a whopping two minutes of riding around, Charlie’s convinced she’s adventurous. So is she. Sarah W.: “I’m bad at being serious, I’m bad being stressed out….this is awesome!” Which part was awesome? Riding around on the sand, or the fact that you did it with your bikini bottoms riding half way up your ass the whole time? I think that grabbed Charlie’s attention more than anything else. It did mine. I’ll give her this, she’s got a nice little dumper on her. But frankly, that’s about all she’s got going for her at this point. And I’m sure at this point she pointed out how good she looked on the bike, but I was too busy hurling up my lemon garlic chicken in the sink to hear. Hope I didn’t miss much. No worries. I’ll catch it later when she reminds us for the 600th time.
-As for what happened next, it was one of the more random moments in the show. The “Ku Ku Kunuku” bus showed up to take them to dinner. I’ve never been to Aruba, so I don’t know what the hell goes on down there, but am I supposed to have heard of a “Ku Ku Kunuku” bus before? Is this a universal party bus? And does one immediately turn into an idiot once boarding it? For those that don’t know, once aboard the “Ku Ku Kunuku” bus, you must immediately wear stupid clothing, dance around like a complete baffoon, and basically act like you’re 10 year old, all the while shaking maracas. Fun, fun, fun for the whole family. Remind me never to board a “Ku Ku Kunuku” bus in my life. It’s like they made up that bus just for the sake of the show. Someone stole Charlie’s short yellow bus he used to take to school, painted it all these wild and wacky colors, gave him some maracas, and said, “Have at it kids!” Not good times on board the “KKK” bus. And oh yeah, Charlie has dirtier feet than a 3 year old child with a mullet who lives with his mom and 8 other brothers and sisters in a trailer park outside of Alabama. Now that’s dirty. It’s called soap, Charlie. Not that expensive.
-Back at the hotel, we had to get the proverbial “This is a tough situation to be in when the man your dating is out with someone else” speech from Krisily. But she also informs us she’s “definitely a little bit of a jealous girlfriend…especially in this situation.” Which is what every guy is looking for. Nothing says “turn on” more than a jealous girlfriend. Guys flock to chicks like that. We love that. The more jealous you get, the easier you are to deal with when some random girl speaks to us. Nothing like getting the third degree when we return from that conversation. “Who was that? What’d she want? Oh, so you want to date her now? She’s ugly anyway…..blah blah blah blah blah.” “Uh, honey, she just wanted to know where the bathroom was.” Like I said, major turn on.
-So Charlie and Sarah W. arrive at their dinner on the beach and begin talking about this amazing chemistry between each other that started from day one (yawn). Sarah W.: “We’ve been connected right from the beginning….I feel like we could get through anything….we’re in our grace period now….” I’m completely lost to what this chick is babbling about tonight. All I know is the camera lighting is shining so bright, it’s lighting up her oily face. I was completely distracted here. Maybe she did say something that was remotely interesting. Or correct. Then of course at the same time these two are eating, good ol’ jealous girlfriend that she is, just happens to take a night stroll on the beach. And it’s on the same beach that these two are having dinner at. Imagine that? What are the odds? Unbelievable! Krisily: “I had no idea Charlie would be on his date with Sarah W.” Except for the completely dark beach that was lit up with a dinner table, two people sitting at them, and about 10 cameramen. Gee, who could that be over there? Must’ve been filming something else on that deserted island right at the same time. She could’ve easily mistaken it for “Aruban Bachelor”. That’s a top 10 show over there, I think. If there’s one thing Aruban’s love, it’s their reality television, lemme tell ya’.
-So Charlie and Sarah are enjoying dinner, and what we’re all thinking is about to happen, doesn’t. He doesn’t reach for the “If you’d like to forgo your individual suite..” card. Instead, even better. Charlie: “Uhhhhh, let’s get half naked and jump into the ocean.” And of course Sarah obliges, even though she forgot her underwear. Damn. That must’ve really bummed Charlie out. What? So that means I can just jump into the ocean in my boxers and you can go without a bikini top or bottom on? They’re really making it that easy for us? Yes, sirree. The tongue sucking these two did in the water was reminiscent of, well, any of their previous alone dates. Except this time they were barely clothed, standing in the ocean water in Aruba, and we couldn’t see their hands. Now, I’m not one to jump to conclusions regarding this show, but…..I just have a sneaking suspicion that Charlie’s Aruban snake may have found itself a home underwater. Just a guess. I was praying as soon as we went to commercial there’d be an ad for “E.P.T.” That would’ve been more fitting.
-Commercial. On the 11:00 news tonight, more on psycho woman from Atlanta that bolted on her wedding day and took a bus to New Mexico. Yeah, that’s normal. Cold feet? “Honey, I’m going for a jog. See you next Tuesday.” And of course this guy has already forgiven this completely lunatic and still wants to marry her. WHAT???!!! Who in their right mind would ever take someone back that, three days before your wedding, decides to board a bus and travel over 1,000 miles away from you because she had “cold feet?” Yeah, she only ruined a wedding that 600 freakin’ people were showing up to attend. And then initially lied about it and said she was abducted. Here’s my reaction once she gets home. “Honey, I’m so glad you’re safe. I’m glad you B.S’ed the police and all of America with that horrible abduction story. These officers would like to take you away for some questioning, and when you return, maybe I’ll already be with my new wife if you’re lucky. Good riddance.” Please. Only in the south does sh** like this happen.
-Sarah B.’s date is up next and they get to go on a sailboat. Charlie: “As far as kissing goes, we haven’t done it yet. I don’t mind taking it slow. I respect that. But now we’re in Aruba…people kiss in Aruba.” Translation: God forbid this woman doesn’t rape me with her tongue by the time this date’s over, so help me god, she’ll be on the first plane back to New York. I’m glad the moment he started his date with Sarah B., everything was revolving around when he was getting his kiss. He must really be into her.
-Sarah B.: “I like Charlie so much, my guard is up.” Translation: You ain’t getting’ none of this til’ I say you can. And put your shirt back on, flabby, pale boy. On the boat, Charlie and Sarah B. discuss engagement, and Sarah reiterates she’s been engaged before, and she knows by not marrying that clown, that was the best decision she’s ever made. Yeah, but running down the aisle with this winner is what you’re destined to do? Good luck, Sarah B. Hopefully everything will work out for you in the end like we all know it won’t.
-So since a whole hour has passed on their date, and Charlie has yet to see her in any compromising positions, he’s getting a little antsy. So he lays her down on his stomach on a hammock and starts begging. Charlie: “I’m dying to kiss you. I had to beg. I’m not above begging.” No, apparently you’re not. And of course, she gave in gave him numerous no-tongue kisses on the mouth. Could’ve called these two Jen Schefft the way they were pecking at each other.
-Back to the island where Krisily is pigging out on her dinner salad all by herself, and Sarah W. just happens to be passing by for her nightly stroll. Walla! These two are now sitting at the dinner table together. There was really no other point to this scene other than to re-emphasize the fact that these two hate each other. Sarah W. tried to claim she doesn’t have a problem with Krisily as long as Krisily never thinks, talks, or even looks at her. If she can manage those three things, apparently these two will get along just fine. Krisily continues eating away and pretty much ignores Mrs. Oil of Olay.
-Charlie and Sarah B. are at dinner now talking about where their futures could possibly take them. Sarah B.: “I have a job that’s flexible. I can move anywhere…if I’m supposed to be with you, I’ll do what I have to do.” Translation: Not only will I ruin my life even further to continue a relationship with you, but I’d even be willing to pack my bags, move to L.A., and be a stay-at-home mom while you skirt chase around all the L.A. nightclubs. Yippee! Just what I’ve always wanted. Sarah B.: “This is the best time we’ve had together.” It is? You’ve been on a boat and eaten dinner? Please tell me it gets better than this. Please. Oh wait. It does….
-Charlie: “I’d like you to come back to my place, and spend some more time together because I don’t want this night to end.” (“Producers!!!! Cue up the 70’s porn music!!!”) Sarah B.: “I’m trying to make a connection with you…I don’t want to blow what we’ve already gotten today. I don’t think I should stay the night with you.” (“Forget it. False alarm. This c**k tease doesn’t want to jump in bed with him”). Charlie (to Sarah B.): “Awwwww…that’s ok. No worries. No worries at all. You’re a sweetheart. You know, I really respect any woman who doesn’t want to jump into my shorts when we have our own suite in Aruba for the night. You’re the greatest.” Charlie (to the camera): “I don’t know. I’m having reservations if she’s into me or not.” Translation: Nobody, and I mean nobody, turns down a chance to go one-on-one with the Chuckmeister in Aruba. She’s gonna pay for this one. Ok, maybe not.
-Commercial. You know what I’ve always found amusing? Short men with tall women. It just looks funny to me. So on the heels of hearing Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are now together (which had me in a complete funk for a good 24 hours), I had to see their first public appearance. And wouldn’t you know it, it was in Rome, with all the cameras oogling all over these two, and Tom giving the most forced, awkward kisses to her that I’ve ever seen. I mean, how upset must his boyfriend have gotten over yet another fake relationship he’s getting himself into? Hey, good for her. She definitely upgraded from that lush she just dumped. Pretty convenient no less than a month later, she’s with Tom freakin’ Cruise. And I’m sure none of this started before her breakup with Chris Klein happened. No way. Hmmm…let’s see. I’ve been dating the guy who played the lead in “Rollerball” for five years, and we’re engaged, but I have a shot at Tom Cruise. Such a tough decision. Taxi!!!! I don’t care what people say about these two, not a chance in hell that they last. She’s like a good six inches taller than him for one, and secondly, he likes dudes. Well, at least that’s what we’ve heard for the last 10 years. And oh yeah, that Scientology bullsh** he’s running will end up scaring her off in the long run as well. Good luck you two (No, I’m not the least bit jealous).
-Charlie and Krisily are up next and their date is on a boat to a private island. Charlie: “And whatever we’re doing there is up to us.” I mean, just with that quote alone, you just knew he was gonna get some good nookie on this date. It was too easy not too. Krisily couldn’t have acted anymore like a schoolgirl if she tried. She’s never been anywhere in her life, she’s on a completely secluded island on a reality dating show with a guy she’s head over heels for, and she’s non-stop going on and on about how wonderful of a time this is. Hell, I thought she was going to service him right there on the boat. No one could possibly ever be that excited to be around Charlie O’Connell for that long of a time. No one. Something’s wrong with her. She’s talking his ear off, he doesn’t look the least bit interested, yet, she’s as giddy as can be. This is amazing stuff really. I don’t even know if he realizes yet how easy of a lay she’s going to be.
-So these two go snorkeling where they kiss underwater, then come up back to the beach and shower together. At this point, somebody should’ve immediately stepped in, handed Charlie a box of 24 latex Trojans and sent him on his way. Was there really any other way this date was going to turn out? We don’t want to hear her babble anymore, we don’t want to know how into him she is, we don’t want to hear how she’s never stamped her passport before, etc. We just want to see if network television will show sex between two consenting adults before the 10:00 hour. That’s it. That’s all we want. Nothing more, nothing less. Please. We’re begging. Or, at least I am.
-Of course, they break away from “Charlie and Krisily’s Exotic Aruban Vacation”, to bring us more of Sarah W. talking about herself. Her and Sarah B. are discussing Sarah B.’s date. She tells her how romantic her date was, that they finally kissed for the first time, she had the best time ever, blah blah blah. All the while, Sarah W.’s thoughts are: “I really wasn’t worried about it…Charlie and I have had a connection from the beginning…We’re supposed to be together….I’m not worried at all….I got pregnant underwater, so he’s gonna have to pay child support if he sends me home tonight…”
-Back to Charlie and Krisily as they board their boat headed to their private island. Pretty ironic that the boat they were on was called “Palm Pleasure”. I’m sure it was. Probably the whole way there, too. “Palm Pleasure” was pretty much the most tame thing that was going to be happening between these two. And like clockwork, most of the boat ride consisted of Krisily on Charlie’s lap, and Charlie’s tongue dancing around in her mouth. The whole ride. And oh yeah, the sun was setting in the background. Not that they were even paying any attention to that.
-Commercial. Another great “Dear Abby” letter from yesterday:
Dear Abby,
A woman I’ll call “Millie” has been like a second mother to me. “Millie” has been with “Jack” for a long time. When I was little, Jack fondled me, but I never told anyone. Seven years ago, Jack was convicted of child molestation. He has just gotten out of prison. I’m being married in October, and “Millie” plans to bring “Jack” to my wedding. Should I tell people with small children that he’s a pedophile, or should I ask “Millie” not to bring him? She would prefer I not tell anyone that he’s a pedophile. My fiance doesn’t want him there, and I can’t decide what to do. Any help you could offer would be greatly appreciated. – Bride-to-Be, Berwick, Pa.
I find it really offensive that “Bride-to-Be” is immediately jumping to conclusions here. “Should I tell people with small children he’s a pedophile?” What makes you think “Jack” is only interested in small children? Maybe he likes the big boys too. Very judgmental of you. “Millie would prefer I not tell anyone that he’s a pedophile”. Really? I wonder why? I can’t imagine why that wouldn’t be the first order of conversation once she sat down at her assigned table. “Hi everyone. I’m Millie. This is Jack. I’ve known ‘Bride-to-Be’ for years. I’ve always been looking forward to this day. I’m so happy for her. She’s the nicest, sweetest girl you’ll ever meet, and I’m so glad she’s happy now. This is the greatest moment of her life. And Jack just got out of prison for groping boys. Who wants to get something from the bar?” Why did “Dear Abby” even print this letter? Are there an influx of pedophiles showing up at weddings that this needed to be addressed. If “Bride-to-Be” wasn’t smart enough to figure out what to do in this situation, she shouldn’t be allowed to: a) marry b) vote c) drive a car or d) ever make her own decision the rest of her life. “My fiance doesn’t want him there.” Ya’ think? These people never cease to amaze me.
-Back to Charlie and Krisily’s lovefest. Charlie: “She’s already fully decided that I’m right for her….and that’s terrifying.” Yeah, it could be. Although when you have someone proclaiming their love for you, and you’re on a private island in Aruba, I really don’t see any downside to this situation. Especially with someone who’s hormones are as raging as hers are. Oh boy. Here she goes. Krisily: “I really need to show Charlie all of me.” Yeah, we kinda got that already. We’d be shocked if you didn’t. Charlie: “I’ve learned a lot about you. This is a perfect end to a perfect day. So, uhhhhh, so you wanna hit up my room tonight?” Might’ve been the least shocking question ever asked in the history of this show.
-But wait a second, Krisily is not as easy as she comes across. You’re not getting into her pants that quickly mister. Before you head up to the suite for an Aruban Boinkfest, Krisily has something to say. Krisily: “I would love nothing more than to wake up next to you tomorrow morning.” (Gulp). Oh, no. She’s not done yet. It continues. Krisily: “I think it’s very important that two people become friends and can talk. And that two people can laugh and joke. But I think being intimate with one another is just as important as the other two.” Amen sister! You tell him. You tell him how much sex you plan on having tonight, and if that’s not good enough for him, he can take his pecker elsewhere because you need to be satisfied as often as possible while you’re in Aruba. Nana told you this is your only chance to nail him, and by God, if that’s what it takes, that’s what Krisily’s going to do. Praise Marty Moose!
-And she’s still not done. Krisily: “If anything does happen, or was to happen, like, I’d be heartbroken if I never saw you again after that.” Translation: If you think for a second you’re getting any of this then waking up the next morning to go get the paper, you’re sooooooooorely mistaken my friend. I have needs that need to be met, and you better be the one to meet them. Charlie: “I think that’s pretty clear…I want you to spend the night, and the rest of the stuff we can figure out afterwards.” Translation: I’ll hit that tonight, I just don’t want to hear your whining and complaining if you don’t end up winning in the end. These two are madly in love. I can just tell.
-Sarah W. is confident heading into the rose ceremony. Sarah W.: “If Charlie decided not to give me a rose, he’s an idiot. I’m a great catch.” And so modest, too. What was that again? You’re a great catch? Sorry. Didn’t hear you the first 1,200 times you told us. Just checking.
-Krisily: “Charlie and I can’t go five minutes without stealing a kiss from each other.” Or fondling each other. Or licking each other. Or groping each other. Or humping each other. Not that Charlie isn’t already the biggest dog walking this planet, but, if he wouldn’t have given Krisily a rose after that date, he would’ve easily surpassed Bob Guiney as biggest pig this show’s ever seen. Bob, you’re still #1 in our book.
-Each girl has their say before Charlie hands out the two remaining roses….
Sarah B. – “It was the best date I ever had. I can’t wait to meet your family.” Short, to the point, and probably pissed Sarah W. off which earned her bonus points.
Sarah W. – “We’ve hit it off from day one. My family loves you. I just can’t wait to meet yours. And did I tell you I’m a great catch?” Yes, you did, and god you’re annoying.
Krisily – “We had an amazing date. It’s nothing either of us will ever forget.” Somewhere in Warwick, Rhode Island last night, Nana must’ve been watching this with a box of Kleenex nearby. Her little Krisily was deflowered in front of 6 million Americans. Has to be a proud moment in a grandmother’s life. Has to be.
-Onto the roses….
Sarah B.: Initially said just “Sarah”, then brainiac had to specify which one it was going to.
Krisily: Interesting dichotomy here. For what seems like the seventh straight season of this, the two finalists couldn’t be any more different. He’s barely gotten to lick any of Sarah B.’s taste buds yet, yet Krisily’s KY Jelly jar is already empty. Tough one to call here. Will Charlie go for the hard to get one, or the easy lay? That’s a question we’ll have to ponder for the next two weeks. But before that, we get more of Sarah W. in all her glory.
-Here is the transcript of what Sarah W. said on her way out the door. I couldn’t not rewind my TiVo to make sure I caught every ounce of this masterpiece.
Sarah W.: “"Charlie just wasted two roses. I mean, what was he thinking? I mean, I'm a way better catch than either of them...no doubt about it. Charlie's made a huge mistake. It just sickens me. I'm gonna miss Charlie. You know...to spend, like, that much time thinking about someone and thinking about how it would be and, like.... But, like, I'm such a sweet girl and I'm such a good catch. People think I'm selfish or whatever, but I think when it comes down to it, the truth is that, like, people are mean to me sometimes because of the way I look, you know? It sounds, like, so stupid, but, like, people hate me because I'm beautiful. And that is...it sounds so horrible, but, like, that is, like, a real thing, you know? And it's...and it's a curse as much as it is a blessing to be pretty. And people think I'm just so surfacey. I mean, no matter what, there is a huge, like, prejudice and racist and when it comes down to it, like, that's why this didn't work out. If I would have just been a little uglier and a little less noticeable. It's just, you know, really sad that, you know, it's not ever gonna happen. So it sucks."
Total # of times Sarah W. referenced the fact she thought she was a great catch: 2,489. Total # of people who actually think Sarah W. is a great catch: 1. Enough said. Shutup already. I hope she gets crucified next week on the “Women Tell All” episode. I’m honestly stunned that this woman thinks she’s as attractive as she thinks she is, and she has that high an opinion of herself. How do you cover something like that? Is she going to blame the editing? They can’t edit something in that you didn’t say to make it seem like you said it? It’s women like this that make me want to vomit on myself. Good riddance. I hope no man ever subjects himself to settling down with someone as completely crazy and self-absorbed as yourself. Wow. Go away. And let the record reflect Queen Grammar just added another word to the English language: surfacey.
-On a lighter note, I think we should all be happy we’re only two episodes away from the live finale where Charlie, who’s been dating both Krisily and Sarah B. since the show finished taping, will finally reveal which girl he’d like to continue to date for the next month or so. Should be riveting television I tell ya’. Especially if he dumps Krisily. She’s liable to kill everyone in the audience if she can’t go home with him. I guess it would just mean some Boston Red Sox player will be the next lucky gentleman to be a sperm donor for Krisily. Until next week….
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