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5.9.05 REUNION SPECIAL
Finally, a reunion show that somewhat lived up to the hype. Usually, these are boring, played out, and a waste of our time. Not saying last night was the greatest episode they ever put together, but it was definitely better than previous seasons. Although once again, ABC will definitely pull a few extra Emmy nominations for their editing job last night. How many awkward silent moments were there? Fifteen? Twenty? Hence the name, “The Bachelor: The Women’s Answers Get Heavily Edited”. At least enough of the ladies had the stones to gang up on Sarah W. That was fun. I’m sure her self-esteem skyrocketed even more after taking more lumps last night. That girl needs to check straight into the psycho ward after getting embarrassed the way she did. What an idiot. Anyway, onto the show….
-As the show opened, the cameras were panning the audience and I noticed it was 99% women. I did see a couple older gentleman sitting there clapping like this was “Oprah”, but that’s it. I’m guessing whatever men were in attendance of this show, were there not by their own choice. Wife probably dragged them there as some form of punishment. Like any self-respecting grown man could possibly show up to a show like this and still own a pair of testicles. Someone must’ve really pissed someone off to have to sit through watching these women yell and b***h at each other. And the one man I did see in attendance definitely had a look on his face of “God, kill me now. My life has officially ended”.
-One of the first things the show did right was NOT to bring back all 23 girls. Since half of them no one even cared to see again, it was good they only brought back twelve. Although I kinda missed the beginning of the show where they would have all 23 girls wave to the camera as they introduced them, and I’d give my obligatory, “Who the hell is that girl? She was on the show?” comments. So the twelve girls brought back were ones that the producers thought most people gave a crap about. They were: Kara, Kristine, Megan, Geitan, Danushka, Carrie, Anitra, Kerry, Kindle, Jenny, Kimberely, and Sarah W. Although, the show opened with only the first ten coming out and Kimberely and Sarah W. would be appearing later since everyone cared about those two the most. Including the majority question making the rounds on the night: “Will Kimberely show up in just a bra and panties?” At least, that was the prevailing question in my head.
-Host Chris starts in by welcoming in the ladies and first targets Danushka asking, “What was up with the sunglasses?” She gave some half-assed answer about how since the first meeting only gave them five minutes to get their stuff together, she felt the sunglasses were appropriate to hide the bags under her eyes. For some reason, I get the feeling Danushka thinks she is more important than just about anyone and anything involved with this show. And of course, she’s not. Something tells me her attitude is more about “I have fifteen minutes to grab at some sort of fame from this show, so I might as well stand out somehow. I know, I’ll be the totally conceited, self-centered b***h who thinks the show should revolve around her. That’ll no doubt land me a Maxim deal.” Wrong. How’d that turn out for you?
-Next, Host Chris moves over to Einstein Megan who was the one who turned herself blonde on her way to being the first woman ever eliminated during a one-on-one date. Yet again, “How’d that work out for you?” Megan was wearing a t-shirt last night that said, “Brunette is the new Blonde.” Hilarious. I couldn’t stop myself laughing from the humor of that shirt. So funny. That Megan is some card, isn’t she? Chris asked her why she went the blonde route before her date. Megan: “Because it was fun, and spontaneous. I guess it came back to bite me.” Then right after her answer, there was a giant amount of canned laughter where someone in the editing room must’ve hit the laugh track button, since to my knowledge, that wasn’t the least bit funny. But someone did. And that person shouldn’t have a job today.
-Next up for Host Chris to grill was Kara the horny single mom. Host Chris: “Why didn’t things work out?” Kara: “We just have different lives.” Then Host Chris turns to Kara’s emotionally scarred daughter in attendance to ask her a question. Host Chris: “What’d you think about seeing mom on TV?” The Child Who Is Wrecked for Life: “It was cool seeing her. I felt very special when she talked about me.” Awwwwwwwwww. I’m guessing that’s how most people watching the show reacted, as did most people who were in attendance. Me personally? I threw up my dinner. Not only did the poor little thing have to watch her mom fake a connection with a guy who wanted no part of a single mom, now you’re throwing her to the wolves, bringing her in attendance to see catty women snipe at each other live, all the while she hasn’t reached the age of ten? Get used to this phrase kid: “Coming to the stage right now, everybody put your hands together for the lovely Miss Kaitlin.”
-Next up on Host Chris’ hit list is our stripper/CIA undercover agent Kristina. Host Chris: “So you’re a model by day, and you work for the government as well?” Kristina: “I’m an investigator. It’s top secret. I can’t discuss any more than that.” For someone who came across about as bright as a box of hammers, why am I still having a hard time believing that girl is working for our U.S. government? And her phony, “I’m not allowed to talk about this anymore” answers really made it seem like she was purposely going out of her way to sound more important than she actually was. Just a kid who read too many Encyclopedia Brown books when she was a kid and hasn’t solved a damn thing her whole life. Stick to showing off your fake rack for magazines and quit with the private dick work. The only private….forget it. Too easy.
-Commercial. Our “Dear Abby” comes from yesterday’s column where, imagine this, someone else out there is completely clueless.
Dear Abby,
I’m in love with the perfect guy, but I have a gnawing worry. “Clayton” and I have been dating for three months. We’re so convinced we are meant to be together forever that we have announced our plans to marry in a few months. So why the worry? “Clayton” has been married twice. Both marriages ended because he was unfaithful. “Clayton” swears he’s a changed man. I believe him. But I did overhear one person comment as we passed by, “There goes the Casanova of Cleveland.” As I write this, I have doubts. – Can’t Wait in Ohio.
Actually, I can’t wait either. For this marriage to implode in this woman’s face. Guys that have been married twice, both of which ended in divorce because of his infidelity, are always great catches. “Can’t Wait in Ohio” has really picked herself out a winner here. And my God, you guys have been dating a whole three months and are “so convinced we are meant to be together forever” you’ve announced your wedding plans? How beautiful. Just be sure to inform all the lemmings who’ll be attending this wedding to keep their receipts for their gifts. Because when the “Casanova of Cleveland” decides it’s time to settle down with “Can’t Wait in Ohio”, this is a marriage of epic proportions. Hopefully CBS will win the rights to this and televise it right after Rob and Amber’s wedding. We need updates on some of the complete loonies that write in to “Dear Abby”. And they need to establish some sort of betting line on this like, “How long before ‘Clayton’ is chasing more skirt all over the city of Cleveland while ‘Can’t Wait in Ohio’ sits by aimlessly still thinking they’re meant to be together forever?” For the last time, twice divorced men who have been nicknamed “Casanova” by people in their own city probably aren’t settling down with you anytime soon. “Can’t Wait”, you’re an idiot.
-Kimberely comes out next wearing yet another bathing suit, or whatever the hell she had on. Wow. Apparently this show really changed her as a woman. In fact, even when she appeared Host Chris had to pull his tongue off the ground. Host Chris: “Kimberely wasn’t shy about using her assets to get what she wanted….someone by her a shirt.” To which Kimberely responded, “Oh Chris, you love it.” Of course he does. Why do you think he had his legs crossed in his chair? C’mon Kimberely, not even your looks and plastic chest could possibly persuade asexual Chris to cheat on his wife. Although, you work your magic long enough and can somehow make your way to Cleveland soon, I’m guaranteeing you can break up a marriage that’s about to start.
-They spent a lot of time on how Jenny and Kimberely were the only two Canadians on the show, yet Jenny was constantly killing Kimberely behind her back. However, it wasn’t until last night that we saw all of this outside of when Kimberely took Charlie on her hometown date and Jenny butted in bringing her ex aboard. Jenny: “I just wanted to show that Canadians aren’t all about boobs, and body, and….” Kimberely: “You’re not my friend, nor will you ever be. That’s your problem, not mine.” Uhhh, ok. Nice comeback. So, how about that chest of yours? Anything to say about that? There hasn’t been a more talked about pair of knockers in this show’s history than Kimberely’s was this season. And rightfully so since she flaunted them so much. Whatever floats your boat, whore.
-At this point, Danushka apparently felt like she wasn’t getting enough air time, so she chimed in with, “My only problem with Kimberely was I thought she should’ve hit the gym a couple months beforehand.” Yeah? And you should’ve hit the powder room before coming onstage because the shine coming off your face is making me squint. Please stop it. I’d like to be able to watch a television show and not lose one of my senses in the process. I think Danushka and Sarah W. should spend a whole day together just to see who thinks more highly of herself. Have cameras follow them around everywhere, even into clubs, and watch guys not pay attention to either of them. Then let’s see their reaction.
-Commercial. More news coming up tonight on our Duluth, Georgia woman who has her husband on a leash. Jennifer Wilbanks is one weird cat. Does she have any pictures where her eyes aren’t bugging out of her head? Bizarre. And what a complete and utter shocker to read that this psycho not only planned this thing out by buying her bus ticket a week before leaving, but also has been booked on three shoplifting charges in the past, and is a born again slut. Apparently her and preacher boy have been living together for the past 18 months, but are waiting until marriage to have sex. Uh huh. Hey, I believe that. I also believe she hopped on a bus to Vegas and New Mexico because she had some fresh meat waiting for her in both cities to get out of her system before she walked down the aisle. These two deserve each other. If this guy is stupid enough to take her back without batting an eye, he’s deserves whatever’s coming to him. This is not going to end well, mark my word. Crazy, bug-eyed lady is going to do something drastic again at some point. I wonder if the men she hooked up with in Vegas and New Mexico will be in attendance at the wedding? Only in the….woops. Apparently that offended too many people last week. Get over yourselves people.
-Time for Sarah W.’s recap. Here was a quote we didn’t hear this season. Sarah W.: “I am Sarah Welch and I’m a beautiful woman. Men are simple. If you’re beautiful and a man perceives you as that, that’s all there is to it.” Really? That’s it? Wow. That was easy. I’m a man. I’m simple. I guess that’s it. Gee, thanks for clarifying that for me you bimbo. When did Sarah Welch become the authority on what all men want and perceive? Did I miss when this memo went out? Guess I was busy or something. Are we simple? Yes, very much so. And I’m sure there are guys that are completely dumbfounded by looks. Just hang out in Manhattan, Hermosa, or Redondo Beach on any given weekend, you’ll see. But us wonderful creatures are a little bit deeper than that. At least I tend to think so. We’re sensitive, we’re caring, we’re in touch with our inner selves, and we’re….ok, that’s enough. You got us. You’re right. We like T & A. Damn. Thought I could pull it off there for a second.
-Time for Kindle to make herself known. Kindle (to Sarah W.): “You were fake, you are fickle, you are a liar, and you are obnoxious.” But other than that, she’s an angel, right? Wow. That was harsh, although, it couldn’t have been said any better. Apparently one of the things we didn’t get to see during the season, was that Sarah W. dates about four or five times a week. She calls this her “rotation”, and did not mind talking openly about it to the other girls. So when confronted about it during the show, she said, “I would kick out my rotation for Charlie.” Are we really supposed to take this girl seriously? How could anyone out there possibly think girl shouldn’t immediately be sent to a padded room after watching her again last night? You people realize she is not emotionally all there, right? You people do realize Sarah W. is a couple sandwiches short of a picnic, don’t you? This woman is not right. She is an absolute basket case that is going to be an emotional train wreck the rest of her life. I’d really like to meet the guys her in “rotation” and have a few words with them. How could anyone possibly tolerate someone has self-absorbed, fragile, and looney as her? I don’t get it. Props to her if she’s been able to fool all the “rotation” guys thus far, but I can’t imagine they’re sticking around much longer after this.
-Oh wait. She’s not done yet. Sarah W.: “Going out on dates is fantastic for the bank account.” No, I’m not making this up. This is what she said last night. If her “rotation” of guys didn’t just drop to zero, I’m beginning to feel embarrassed to be part of the male race. What guy with any self-respect doesn’t immediately throw trash like that to the curb? Look, I’m not naïve enough to think there are guys out there who aren’t into eye candy and are with women they normally wouldn’t be with if they didn’t have money, but, doesn’t mean I have to respect them. If they feel spending their money on a girl gives them some sort of credibility, or makes them seem more important than they are, that’s their deal. I just think they’re idiots. And if they’re too dumb enough not to even realize she’s walking all over them because she knows she can and she’s holding all the cards, then more power to her and less to him. He’s an idiot, and she’s getting what she wants.
-My favorite line of the night from Sarah W. came next. “People have just not liked me for absolutely no reason at all.” Funny how apparently her whole life, people have had a problem getting along with her, yet it seems to be those people’s faults, and not hers. In her mind, she’s perfect, and how could anyone have a problem with her. Yet, she’s admitted people have just not liked her for what she claims is “no reason at all”. Yeah, people just walk around disliking other people all the time “just because”. Makes the world such a better place. Did she ever think for a second that maybe the reason people don’t like her is because of her, and not some fault with everyone else? Hate is a very strong word to use, and I can’t remember the last person I hated, but Sarah W. is coming awfully close. This piece of trash honestly makes my skin crawl. Anytime I want to rise up and punch the television when it’s on is never a good thing. And she’s about the only person in recent memory I can remember wanting to do that for.
-Out comes Charlie next. And boy is he dressed dapper tonight. Blue jeans, fluorescent hot pink shirt, and a gray sport coat. Were the lights on in the dressing room when Giorgio Armani was dressing himself before the show? Wow. Nice look there, pud. Anyway, the last two girls he eliminated, Kimberely and Psycho W., get to ask him one question each. Kimberely and her breasts are up first. Kim: “We had great chemistry together….was I too wild for you? Could you handle me?” Charlie: “Uhhhhhh….errr….ummmmm…...yeah, I could handle you. And I liked the way you dressed. I had no problem with it.” I don’t remember anything else he said. I don’t even think he really even gave her a reason.
-Psycho W. up next. This should be good. “When did you feel we didn’t have a connection?” Charlie: “Uhhhh….errrrr….ummmm…we hit it off right away. But our connection kept going down and down and down after that. I thought you were playing an act at times."” And that was it. They played some outtakes from the show, but other than that, that’s all we saw of Charlie. Very uneventful. How easy was that for him to come out and answer two questions he probably had plenty of time to prepare for, then go back home to continue dating two women? Outstanding. I can’t say I envy his position. Except whoever dressed him. They might need to lose their job, like, yesterday.
-Commercial. Nice to see Renee Zellwegger tied the knot with Kenny Chesney over the weekend. Nothing like two lovebirds who’ve been dating a whopping four months, wisking off to the Virgin Islands to get secretly married. I wonder how long before Mr. Chesney-Zellwegger gets tired of that squinty face of hers? That’s gotta get old after a while, doesn’t it? Is it possible that maybe someday we could see the whites of her eyes, or is that asking too much? And what weight stage is Renee in right now? Is she grossly overweight or underweight? Considering her wedding was this past weekend, I’m guessing she’s in her underweight stage where it looks like eating anything more than a peanut and diet coke would cause her to gain 10 lbs again. That’s gotta be healthy. And when did Kenny Chesney come about? I thought she was banging Jack White for the longest time? Too bad it didn’t work out with Jim Carrey either. Good luck Mrs. Zellwegger-Chesney. We’re all pullin’ for ya.
-So they show us clips from next week’s finale where Host Chris tells both girls that Charlie needs more time and thus wants to continue to date both women in the real world and will make his decision live, next week, on who he chooses. Translation: We offered Charlie the chance to have his cake and eat it too for the next three months and like any man would, he said “yes”. Deal with it, ladies. The ladies seemed to have differing views on what had just happened. Krisily is delirious. I don’t think this is the first time she’s shared a guy with someone else, and I’m guessing it’s not the last time. Sarah B. isn’t too thrilled her man is going to be boinking Krisily on the side when he’s not seeing her. Still a brilliant idea by the show. At least they did something to change it up and not expect us to believe this guy, or any guy for that matter, is serious about proposing after six weeks.
-Kimberely: “I think it would be really hard to share any guy with another girl.” Well, no matter what you think, don’t think it hasn’t been done to you young lady. And I’m sure you’ve NEVER been with two guys at the same time. Not you. Never. You’d never think of such a thing, right? Well honey, let me tell you that giving more than one lap dance a night in the Champagne Room constitutes having two guys at one time. And if more than one person is chucking up $1 bills against the brass pole while you’re sliding up and down on it (gulp), then that’s considered being with more than one guy as well. I’m sweating after writing that sentence, by the way.
-Kimberely and Sarah W. both think that Krisily is a better match for Charlie. The remaining ten girls think they’re nuts. And Sarah W. has more interesting things to say. Psycho W.: “Krisily is a better match, and she worships the ground he walks on. Guys like that.” We do? Once again, Sarah Welch informing all of America that she knows exactly what all guys likes and dislikes are. The authority on everything involving men and relationships. Sarah Welch has all the answers. And she just freely offers her advice to anyone who’ll listen. Guys want women who worship the ground we walk on? Oh wait. She’s right. My bad.
-Commercial. Will Ferrell’s “Kicking and Screaming” opens this weekend, as well as him hosting “Saturday Night Live” this weekend. I think I might have to catch both of those. I think every skit he’s in this weekend should be a previous character. No need to do any new stuff with him, just have him do all his old bits, and it’ll go off without a hitch. Here’s what I ask: “GET OFF THE SHED!!!!” guy, “Inside the Actors Studio”, the Cheerleader, Haray Caray, and maybe somehow mix in another “Blue Oyster Cult” and that might get them the greatest ratings ever. Oh yeah, and throw in Marty and Bobby Culp singing. That should do it.
-Final segment saw Krisily and Sarah B. each get to ask Psycho W. a questions via video message. Sarah B.: “Why did you tell me I wasn’t in the final four? That really hurt.” Sarah W. “Liar.” She claims she never told her that, although we all saw it on tape. So once again, Psycho W. spinning her wheels and going nowhere with her argument. Next up was Psycho’s best friend, Krisily. “Are you still blaming me for Charlie sending you home?” Sarah W.: “Yes. I think Krisily was definitely the leader of the ‘I Hate Sarah’ pack”. Unbelievable. Words cannot describe my dislike for Psycho W. right now. I can’t remember the last time I was this annoyed and put off by a girl. Oh wait, yes I can. No need to go into details though.
-So the show wraps with all the girls hugging at the end of the show, and we don’t even get any canned studio questions from the audience. Damn. Those are always good. They never look rehearsed or scripted, and the answers they give are always so spontaneous and completely catch us off guard. So the “Women Get Heavily Edited” show didn’t disappoint. But next week is where I have the real problem. We have to watch a two-hour show only to get no resolution at the end of those two hours? Great. Really looking forward to that. Charlie won’t announce his decision until the 3rd hour live, just like last season when Jen dumped Jerry on his ass. There are rumors circulating that Charlie is already back with his ex-girlfriend and that next week he’ll choose neither of them. Honestly, at this point, who cares? If he does choose one of them, it won’t work out anyway. I’m just pissed we have to wait two hours before we even find out. Booooooooooo. Thank god only one week of this left. I need a break. Until next week….
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