FINALE 2nd TO LAST EPISODE 3rd TO LAST EPISODE QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? EMAIL ME	THE BACHELORETTE 2nd TO LAST EPISODE One word to describe last night’s show: AWESOME. Seeing these losers back in rare form last night was outstanding. First, they’re railing away at Trista, then the minute she walks into the studio, the next thing you know, these nutless, cheesedicks give her a standing ovation and backpeddle on their words. Priceless. One of the finer hours in broadcasting history. Lets begin to dissect last night’s fiasco. -As the show started and the camera panned around the room, the first and only thought that went through my head: “I haven’t seen a bigger collection of meatheads since the Pike Fraternity back in college!” You could almost hear the wind blowing through these ears. -The host, Chris I think his name is, feels the need to tell us that Greg H., better known as “Guitar/Coke snorting Guy” (allegedly), is not in attendance. “We wish him the best.” You mean, he couldn’t get out of the pokey to make one appearance? Smuggling coke across state borders is that big of deal? Gee, probably should’ve thought of that before you boarded that plane you twit (allegedly). -I like how they felt the need to introduce every one of these losers, and with an all female audience in attendence, we had to hear them screech like 5 year olds after each name was mentioned. Ladies, these guys aren’t going out with you. Keep your panties on for pete’s sake. The last thing this world needs is Bachelorette groupies. -The first guy they begin to grill is Russ who’s wearing those fashionable jeans with the faded pant legs. Very heterosexual look there, big guy. You’ve confirmed three weeks of me calling you gay. Thank you. -I didn’t realize when Russ first met Trista, he introduced himself as “Russell”. Oooohhhh. Tough guy. So in a span of 2 weeks, he went from Russell to Russ. Whatever. Doesn’t change the fact you like dudes. -The life of the party, Fat Boy, still crackin’ jokes like he’s freakin’ Richard Pryor. Look, I don’t have a problem with Fat Boy. He seems nice. He seems genuine. And the guy is pretty funny. I’ve been a little harsh on him. Hey, if Fat Boy gives every dateless, fat, and ugly guy a chance to believe in themselves now that this pud made it to the final eight, then all power to him. Way to go, fatty. You’ve inspired millions. -Russ then proceeds to tell us, on his final romantic date with Trista, he just wasn’t into it anymore. He’d lost the spark. Uh huh. So say if Trista would’ve asked you to accept her rose, and dumped Charlie or Poem Guy, you would’ve rejected it, right? Russ, denial is a terrible, terrible quality to have. Just accept the fact you enjoy guy-on-guy action. It’s o.k. Society will accept you. -Fat Boy said most people thought being heavy was his downfall, when he looked at it as his strength. Let’s get something straight here. When Trista voted you out and gave you that bullshit line of, “If I had 5 roses to give out, you would’ve gotten the 5th” , did you take a look at the remaining 4 contestants? Good looking, well groomed guys, all without perms and stomachs the size of Santa Claus. Your fatitude did nothing to help your cause, bro. Remember, Trista’s shallow. She wants stuck up, slick haired, superficial, poem reading dorks to try and steal her heart. -I watched enough episodes of the “Bachelorette”, I saw the dating habits of these guys, I saw how they interacted with each other and with Trista, and I saw them all appear one last time last night together to talk about their experience. With all that, last night’s episode brought me to this conclusion. And I never thought I’d say this, but my God, it was made abundantly clear to me last night:: Russ wants to have sex with Fat Boy. -One problem I did have with last night’s show was the editing. Could they have possibly done a worse job of editing than they did? One second, the crowd is laughing and clapping, and a millisecond later, Russ is in the middle of answering a question. Very choppy production work. Not like any of you probably noticed, but having worked in the media before, that was a horrible, horrible editing job last night. Just thought I’d throw my take on the technical side of the show in there. Ok. Back to ripping Fat Boy and calling Russ a homo. -Did you notice when Fat Boy and Russ were in the “hot seat”, Mr. Host said that the message boards and radio shows were really giving those two a lot of heat? Wow. I didn’t realize he was reading this column. He actually said, “Russ, one internet report even referred to you as a stalker.” Goddammit, I said that last week. Didn’t realize how popular I was. -If Jamie the tall, blonde guy with the sparkling white teeth tried any harder, he might actually be able to turn himself into a Ken doll. Problem is, their personalities are so different. The Ken doll would’ve had a much better chance of nailing Trista. -Jamie, here comes Trista into the room! Jamie!!??? Is he breathing!!!??? Someone call the paramedics!!!! Rip off his shirt!!! Let’s start CPR!! Easy, Jamester. It’s ok. They’re called females. -Jamie informs us that he suffers from anxiety and panic attacks. Translation: Growing up I used to take the short, yellow bus to school in the mornings, and now as a grown man, I have absolutely no idea how to converse with a woman so I make up shit about having nervous disorders as an excuse for acting like a 3rd grader around them. -All you need to know about Jamie is this: He had Trista in a bikini, in the shower with him, and the guy didn’t lay a hand on her. Stop it ladies. Don’t you dare be saying to yourselves right now, “Awwww...that’s so romantic. What a class guy.” Wrong. More like, “What a f****** idiot!” For the love of God Jamie. For all mankind, when you’re in that situation, you either try to feel her up, or get slapped trying. Quit with the sensitive guy bullshit. Apparently Jamie might be interested in joining Russ and Fat Boy for a little menage-a-tois action. Did I spell that right? I’ve never taken a day of French in my life and I think I spelled that right. I’m pretty proud of myself. Shutup. Sometimes I amaze even myself. -Brook the Cowboy. Loved the jeans with the flannel shirt look last night on national television. Glad you could dress for the occasion, f***in’ stupid ass neck. -Brook wanted to make it perfectly clear last night to all of America that he’s a Cowboy, and he’s proud of it. Great. Is that a profession? Do you have Indian friends? How does one become a Cowboy? Do you take classes in college for this? Chewing Tobacco 101. The Art of Wearing Jeans So Tight It Cuts Off All Circulation Through Your Body. Creating Belt Buckles the Size of Small Children. Billy Ray Cyrus: Our Next Great Political Leader. -Brook tore into Trista. “That lil’ Trista’s a shallow one. I like horses. She don’t like horses, and that’s why she dudn’t pick me. She don’t want to know nuthin’ ˜bout me.” Who would, you dope? You have the IQ of a garbage disposal and you’re upset some blonde bombshell didn’t speak to you? Thank God she didn’t. She may have lost her sanity along with brain cells if she did. -Then when Trista confronts him about what he said, he replies, “Hey. No hard feelings.” Hey Brook, the show’s over. She’s already chosen Charlie. Quit backing down you wuss. You should’ve called her a bitch and walked off the set. The Cowboys and Indians back home would’ve been so proud. You may have actually been able to pull a date with some bimbo named Trixie if you did. -Since I never watched the “Bachelor” where Trista lost in the finals, I was unaware that on that show she revealed she had never had reached “The Big O”. 30 years old? That body? Those looks? No orgasm? “Hello, Trista. My name is Steve. Over the years I’ve been told…. -Trista is confronted by the host with the “double standard”. Host: “How have you handled the fact Trista that in one night, you kissed 4 guys? What kind of message is that to send out to teenage girls?” Trista: “I’m so sick of the stupid double standard. Aaron the Bachelor kissed 12 girls in one day. And I’m the bad one?” Ummmm...yeah. That’s pretty much how it works. No one said life was fair. Now take your ball and go home. -I was waiting for the host at the end of the show to say, “Thank you all for showing up. And for the 17 of you that never said a word, thanks for nothing.” Why did they even invite anyone back who wasn’t named Russ, Fat Boy, Brook, Jamie, or Rob? -“Joe Millionaire” and “Bachelorette” both have 2-hour season finales next week. I hate to admit this, but…..next week is the biggest week of my life. I will be in full lockdown mode on Monday and Wednesday night from 8-10pm. There could be a national disaster going on in the city of Los Angeles and I ain’t movin’ away from my TV. Until next week……
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