FINALE 2nd TO LAST EPISODE 3rd TO LAST EPISODE QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? EMAIL ME	THE BACHELORETTE 3rd TO LAST EPISODE For those that don’t know, Dawson’s Creek is on its last legs. After this season, they are cancelling the show due to reasons beyond my control. And those reasons are, well, no one watches the show anymore. Except me. Yeah, maybe a couple 12 to 15 year old girls still watch, but I guess there’s just not enough of them. It’ll be a sad day when that show ends. With that said, my frustration level with “The Bachelorette” has hit an all-time high. There was absolutely no suspense last night. None. I’ve got a lot to get off my chest, so let’s begin…. -Poem Guy reminds me of “Billy” from “Melrose Place.” Remember how pussy whipped that guy was on Allison? That guy followed her around like a puppy searching for it’s mother. Then he ended up growing a pair, marrying Allison’s dead husband’s daughter, getting in fights, divorcing her, then….the show got cancelled. Regardless, Poem Guy has turned into him. If Trista told him to dress up like a woman and bark like a dog, he’d do it. -Poem Guy is attached. If there were a surgery possible that could connect Trista and Poem Guy at the hip, Poem Guy would cut off his right arm to do it. Hell, I don’t think he would mind if he could just connect his head to Trista’s. Anything to spend every living, breathing second with her. It’s making me nauseous the more I think about it. -Poem Guy felt the need to tell us that after he and Trista were making out in the hot tub that he needed to take a “cold shower”. Gee thanks. Exactly what did you mean by that? Was it really necessary to share that with us? Thank God the camera guy wasn’t gay. -As we’ll see as the show goes on, all three guys have a problem with Trista not expressing her feelings enough. Poem Guy doesn’t know what Trista thinks of him. You know why? BECAUSE HE’S TOLD HER THAT 1,000 TIMES IN 10 MINUTES!!!! “What do you think of me?” “I’m having a hard time reading how you feel about me?” “This is so hard because I’m always wondering what you’re thinking about me?” All right, enough already. We get it. I don’t know what your mother told you about relationships and women, but asking her the same question over and over again in different forms isn’t a turn-on. -Poem Guy, “I’m not falling in love. I’m immersed in it.” No shit. You know, if there were a surgical procedure that could be done where Poem Guy could actually give birth to Trista’s child….. -Russ takes Trista in a helicopter over the Grand Canyon. Call me unromantic, call me an idiot, call me whatever you want. But I’m sorry, the Grand Canyon might be the most overrated tourist site in America. I’ve been there. It’s dumb. After about 10 seconds, you find yourself saying, “You know, this is about as good as its gonna get.” Unless you’re going on a tour down to the bottom, it’s pointless. Which basically set the tone for the rest of Russ and Trista’s time alone. -What kind of date is this? This show has officially become “Blind Date.” They’re meeting up with some fake palm reader? I could’ve sworn I saw that lady down in Venice Beach charging 10 bucks to read my crystals. She had some of those lame cards too. How bogus is that garbage? She turns over some cards and all the sudden she can tell you who you’re going to marry someday? -I don’t think Russ and Trista could be on different pages if they tried. They’re not even on the same chapter. Or book for that matter. Russ thinks he and Trista are meant to be together. If he only knew what Trista said about him in her time alone with the camera. -This is a great argument at dinner. Hey Russ, here’s some words of advice. If this is your last chance to be alone with a woman that has a 1 in 3 chance to be your wife sometime shortly, the last thing you need to do is pick fights with her. He couldn’t have tried any harder to make her like him less. Giving her the option of ending the date immediately, interrupting her when she’s trying to make a point, not listening to her reasoning, I mean, are you kidding me? What a jackass. -What a surprise, Trista doesn’t want to spend the night with Russ. “I don’t think I’m ready yet.” Hmmmm…you were ready to jump half naked in bed with Poem Guy, why not Russell? Oh yeah that’s right. You hate him. Good. He’s a tard anyway. -“I’m a genuine, caring guy. You and I should be together.” Well gee, since you put it that way, I’m shocked Trista didn’t propose to you right there. This guy is a piece of work. I don’t know how he could have possibly thought he was saying the right things to her. Did anyone else want to just pull the rip cord the longer this date went on? Just eject, Russ. You’re done. Take your sleazeball look, and 1” inch diameter mouth and take a seat next to the other 23 losers. -After Russ’ date, as they go to commercial, they preview the rest of the show with announcer guy saying, “And stay tuned for the most dramatic rose ceremony to date.” First off dipshit, you said that last week. Secondly, even though we haven’t seen Charlie’s date, I’m guessing unless he ties her to a bedpost and holds her hostage at knifepoint, Russ will be getting eliminated. Dramatic rose ceremony? Please. The only drama will be if she actually physically takes her foot and kicks him out the front door. -After Russ’ date, Charlie’s date was pretty uneventful. Although we did get to hear Trista utter the phrase, “Since the moment I saw Charlie when he first stepped out of the limo….” for the 4 billionth time. Great. Then why didn’t you save us all the bullshit these last 4 weeks and just propose to him right there? Let’s be honest, Charlie’s going to win this thing. -I didn’t know this was possible, but I looked Trista up and down last night, and down and up, and up and down again. Does that woman have an ounce of fat on her? Anywhere? My god does she look hot in a bikini. Holy shit. Start the cold water running Poem Guy, I’ll join you in 10 minutes. That was a joke. I’m completely heterosexual. Just ask Jennifer Love Hewitt. -Trista asks Charlie what he thinks of the other two losers, and he says, “Well, I think I see more of myself in Ryan than I do Russ.” I would hope so. If only you could’ve seen Russ’ act at dinner, Charlie. You would’ve laughed your ass off. We all did. But according to Russ, he and Trista “are meant to end up together.” Funny. That’s what stalker’s usually say. -Charlie is a big analyzer of what’s going on in Trista’s head, which prompts her to tell him, “Quit analyzing everything. You think too much.” Translation: You’re in the finals, Charlie. Quit talking and stick your tongue down my throat. -If you already didn’t think Charlie was going to win this thing, I’m sure you’re mind changed when they were talking in the hot tub of what they planned on naming their children. But considering Trista needs to give every child she has some name coming from one of her relatives, that could cause some problems. “Well, if it’s a boy, I need the name this, and if it’s a girl, I need to name it after my great, great, great stepgrandmother who I’ve never seen in my life.” Easy. -Final video time for the guys. Not that Russ could possibly do anything to save himself. He could appear on screen with a life preserver, raft, fins, and those blow up things that go around your arms and he’s still not making it. Anyway, Poem Guy is up first, and wouldn’t you know…….A FUCKING POEM!!!! He couldn’t do it. 12 minutes left in the show. No sign of any rhyming sentences within sight then…BAM! A stupid ass rhyme about Trista, him, and some whales. God you annoy me. -Russ’ video: “We got off to a fast start. Maybe too fast. Which lead to some deep conversations. I think those conversations will help us in the future.” Translation: Can you please forget we ever had those deep conversations? I realize I have no chance with you after I insulted you on our date, so I’m just making shit up now so you’ll possibly reconsider and eliminate me next week instead of this week. -Did you notice that while watching the three videos, Trista didn’t smile once during Russ’? Poem Guy starts reading his garbage, she blushes. Charlie appears, and she’s grinning from ear to ear. Russ? I think she wanted to fast forward. -Poem Guy gets the first rose. Gee, who’s getting the next one, Charlie or Russ? I’ve watched enough reality/elimination shows to know this: This episode had the least suspense of any of them combined. “Survivor”, “Elimidate”, “Joe Millionaire”, etc…..there wasn’t one episode where there wasn’t at least some doubt as to who’s was getting kicked off. Not last night. It was a done deal the minute Bozo the Russ opened his mouth at dinner. -I think the location of the dates showed quite a bit about who was staying also. Poem Guy met her in Seattle. Nice city. Good scenery. A nice tourist spot. Charlie goes to Cabo San Lucas. Who wouldn’t want to spend a weekend with a hot chick down there? Then Russ meets her in beautiful….Sedona, Arizona? Enough said. When the word romance comes to mind, I don’t immediately think “Sedona, Arizona.” -Next week we get to see all 23 losers so far talk shit about Trista and basically whine and bitch as to why they should’ve been picked. I’m guessing I’ll have a few things to say about those twits. Nothing like being able to talk about our coke-snorting friend Guitar Guy again. Or getting to rip Jamie for having the personality of a pencil. Should be good times. Until next week…..
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