FINALE 2nd TO LAST EPISODE 3rd TO LAST EPISODE QUESTIONS? COMMENTS? EMAIL ME	THE BACHELORETTE SEASON FINALE Ok. So I was wrong about Charlie. But I’m going to be completely honest with everyone before I start. I’ve watched enough reality TV shows to know that what happened last night on the Bachelorette should surprise no one. Let’s be honest. A majority of us thought Charlie was a shoe-in to win the thing. And if you had never seen an episode of the “Bachelorette” but tuned in last night and watched the first hour and a half, you would’ve been crazy to think Charlie wouldn’t win. Everything was geared toward him winning. From Trista constantly talking about how he blew her dad’s socks off, to not finding any negatives about Charlie right after she said Ryan’s negative was location. I think the producers knew that most people thought Charlie would win. So, to make the show interesting, they gear the finale towards Charlie winning, only to have it be Poem Guy. The reality shows love to make you believe something’s going to happen, only to have it go the other way. Happens on “Survivor” all the time, it happened on “Joe Millionaire”, and it happened last night. And as the show went on, the more and more I realized it was all a setup, and she was going to choose Poem Guy. Whew. That was a long intro. Let’s get started….. -Not 1 minute into the show, and the narrator is already telling us “it’s the most dramatic finale ever.” Of course it is, jackass. This is the first “Bachelorette” ever. They pay this guy to say stupid shit like this? Where do I sign up? -You know, I’ve been nothing but complimentary towards Trista the whole show. She’s an absolute knockout. But, as is the case with many other women, she looked like hell when she woke up in the morning. I think the “rollover” definitely would’ve been in effect if I was right next to her. Yeah, right. Who am I kidding? She could’ve grown a 2nd nose overnight and I wouldn’t turn that down. Subtle hint: Did you notice when she was sleeping, she was hugging the Shamu stuffed animal that Poem Guy gave her? Betcha didn’t. They gave the damn show away in the first 3 minutes. -Trista says sexually she is most attracted to Charlie (misleading us clue #1). Geez, Trista. Is that all you look at Charlie as? A piece of meat? Do you have no respect for us men as something other than a sexual play toy? God. You know, I really hate society nowadays that just looks at men like we’re just something to play with. Don’t they respect our needs? Don’t they feel our emotions? We are not objects of your desire that you leave the next morning so you can make it in to work on time and tell all your friends about. So please ladies, stop it. Makes me sick to my stomach. -Charlie meets Trista in St. Louis and they’re going to the botanical gardens. Charlie’s from Hermosa Beach. He’s now in St. Louis hanging in the botanical gardens. Yeah, he’s thrilled. -Charlie: “I’m not nervous about meeting Trista’s family. I just want to make the best impression possible.” Really? And this whole time, I thought your plan would be to get completely shitfaced, start dancing on the dinner table, then try to poke Trista’s mom behind her dad’s back. Wow. You are a good guy, Charlie. -Trista’s dad’s head is shaped like a sugar ice cream cone. You probably don’t hear that said about too many people, but that’s the first thing I thought of when his cone shaped head appeared on screen. Put a hat on that thing. -Ooooohhhh. Trista’s family has whipped up a nice bowl of questions to grill Charlie on. How do I know these questions will suck? Here are the questions we got to hear…. -Are you a morning or evening person?…..Who gives a flying fuck? What the hell does that matter? -What do you have under your bed?…..Huh? This man might be your son-in-law in less than 48 hours and you give a rat’s ass what he has under his bed? What does every 28 year old guy have under his bed? Porn, socks, condoms, and….porn. And by the way, I’m not 28. I’m 27. -How would you react if your wife made more money?……For christ sakes, get to the good questions. Enough of this bullshit. Get to the juicy stuff. “Charlie, how many women have you slept with?” “Charlie, Trista’s dying to have an orgasm sometime this generation, can you please help her out?” “When are we having grandkids?” -Do you mind playing the role of Mr. Mom?……I’ll answer that for you, Charlie. Yes. -Other than your face, what other places do you shave?…..I don’t know why they asked Charlie that question. Trista could’ve easily answered that herself. She blew him in the woods. Woops. Wrong show. Reality TV has scrambled my brain. -Did you see that high school picture of Trista at that wedding? My gosh, if all the ugly chicks from my grammar school turned out looking like her, I’m organizing a reunion tomorrow. -Charlie: “I’ve never been afraid of commitment.” I know the Oscar nominations were announced last week. Is Charlie up for one? Because this guy sure knows how to act in front of the parents. Spouting of all the cheesy lines to get ma’ and pa’ on his side. Kudos to him. “For Best Supporting Cheesedick in a Reality TV Show, the winner is…..Charlie, for all the bullshit lines he fed Trista’s folks.” -When Trista is explaining to Charlie that she might also be being intimate with Ryan as well as him, Charlie looked like he was going to blow chunks all over her lap. Translation: I’m screwing you both and my decision will come down to who can get me to climax first. Got it? -Trista: “It kills me that I’m going to have to choose one over the other.” Awwww shutup. What are you bitching about? You’re having your cake and eating it too. And judging by what you said at the end of the show about you not thinking Charlie was in love with you, why would it have killed you to choose between the two? -Now it’s Poem Guy’s turn. Within 30 seconds of seeing her, he blurts out, “It seems like it’s been forever since we’ve seen each other.” Trista, some words of advice from Steve here: Get rid of this guy now. How old is that gonna get when he’s still following you around like a puppy 50 years down the road? -Poem Guy gets caught in a lie. Poem Guy: “I go out on a limb. I take all these chances, I say all these things, and I get nothing in return from her.” Ah hah! See. It is all an act. The guy practically admits he’s trying to get in her pants by coming up with stupid ass poems. -Could we give Poem Guy a little more cheese with his whine please? Good God. Is there anything this guy hasn’t whined about since the show started tonight? “I feel vulnerable.” “I want to know how Trista feels.” “It’s so frustrating that I’m opening up and get nothing in return.” “My panties are on too tight.” “Why won’t Trista give me my bottle and rock me to sleep?” -Trista’s parents admit that they toned it down for Poem Guy. Translation: We’re bored fucking stiff by this guy, and she better go with Charlie. Charlie and the family had laughs, they were drinking, etc….Poem Guy couldn’t have dampened the mood any more if he tried. Why does it take him 38 minutes complete one sentence? Can anyone answer that, because I sure can’t. Spit it out already! -Trista’s mother tells us that Poem Guy isn’t the kind of guy she expected to see Trista with (misleading us clue #2). Neither can we mom’s. Trista picked herself one hell of a doozy there. Try not to fall asleep at the wedding. -Poem Guy tells the parents he doesn’t want someone that compliments him, but someone who challenges him. Poem Guy, you’ll never find anyone that compliments you because they’re all stored away in wooden boxes buried six feet underground. And someone who challenges you? That’s not hard. The only prerequisite I can see is that they have a pulse. That seems to be an immediate challenge for you. -Poem Guy pulls dad aside for a little ass kissing…..errr…..to ask permission for his daughter’s hand in marriage. For pete sakes, stop rambling. Take a breath. I think Poem Guy blurted out 346 consecutive words without looking up or gasping for air. That’s not healthy. -The stepmother wanted Poem Guy. The mother wanted to mount Charlie. And Dad says it’s Trista’s decision, and they’ll support her either way. Gee thanks. Then what the hell was the last _ hour of the show for? You should’ve sat Trista down, looked her right in the eye and said, “Honey. Don’t you dare bring that dolt Poem Guy back home to us. You’re marrying Charlie and that’s final. End of story. If you don’t, we’ll disown you.” Is it obvious I wanted Charlie to win? -Trivia question: Which occurred more last night? Trista talking like a baby, or Trista saying the phrase, “I’d love to have both of them, but I can’t.” Tied. They both happened 1,000 times too many. Between Trista’s baby voice, and Poem Guy’s willingness to let her walk all over him, I give this marriage 30 days. Oooooohhhh, here’s a good bet. Who lasts longer? Trista and Poem Dork, or Joey M and Bore-a? -Both guys get a final date with Trista. What the hell was so important about Charlie not wearing his watch? Was that another subtle superficial trait that Trista dropped on us? Or were the producers short on time so they threw some crap at us to fill what would have been dead air? -Charlie: “I would be shocked if I didn’t win.” (misleading us clue #3). Trust me, Charlie. You will be. -Poem Guy: “I don’t know where I stand in Trista’s eyes.” FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!!! WE KNOW!!!!!! You’ve told us a billion freakin’ times already. What does she see in this guy? He’s a complete wuss. -This was actually a piece of a conversation these two had over dinner. Poem Guy: “You’re the boss.” Trista: “Eat it!” Poem Guy: “Yes, ma’am.” Wow. Lucky him. However Trista, you may want to be careful. Too much of that and Poem Guy will…..forget it. -Trista: “Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” I disagree. Absence just makes the hard-on grow longer. I’ve never agreed with that saying. You think people that cheat on their spouses believe that? Didn’t think so. -Time to pick out rings. Yippee. Now, I have a question that I’m sure all of you were asking: Does the loser who doesn’t get picked get to return the ring and get his money back? He damn well better. That would really suck to fork over that much cake for a ring she doesn’t even accept and that you can’t return. And wait a second….why would they continue to tease, “Who will Trista pick? And will he propose?” if we just saw them picking out rings? Let me guess. They were just blowing 10 grand for the hell of it with no intention of proposing. Of course they were gonna propose, and of course she was gonna say yes. -Hey, something just struck me. Alex McLeod, that lame ass host from “Joe Millionaire”, never even appeared in the season finale. She has one sentence for 5 striaght weeks, then on the biggest night of the show, when 40 million people were watching, they couldn’t even give her one line. Good. “Alex, your 15 minutes are calling, they’d like you to return home now.” -One final video for Trista from the guys. And for once, Poem Guy doesn’t belt out a poem. Good for him. Maybe that’s why he won. She probably told him off camera, “Look. Quit trying to be cute. The poems suck but I like you regardless.” -Before the host sends Trista down the steps, he tried to cop one last feel. Good job, buddy. Poem Guy’s gonna kick your ass tonight. -Charlie’s up first. Trista immediately starts in with, “From the first time you stepped out of the limo, I immediately thought, ‘This is the one’” (misleading us clue #4). Like I said, EVERYTHING pointed to Charlie last night. But just like Joe Millionaire started in with Zora by reeling off the negative things then choosing her, Trista did the opposite. She lured Charlie in with all the good stuff, then….BAM!!!!….See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya’. I think Charlie pissed down his leg. -The minute Trista told him “no”, I would’ve been outta there like I had a train to catch. “Ok. Thanks. See ya. Have fun with Dork boy.” He should’ve just been a real prick and cussed her out. How awesome would that have been? “I’m sorry. I can’t continue.” “Are you fuckin’ serious? You chose him? God damn! Son of a bitch! What a stupid ass choice that was! Your loss!” -Poem Guy’s turn. Pretty uneventful at this point. Gee, is he gonna say “yes”? The guy’s only had his head up her ass since Week 1. Just hear this Poem Guy: These reality marriage shows are 0-for-2 thus far. So the proposal means shit. Seal the deal then maybe, MAYBE, I’ll cut you some slack. -Final Thought: Here’s what I learned from watching the “Bachelorette.” I realized I don’t know shit about women. Now, I understand that they want to be pampered, and told that their a princess, yada yada yada….but Poem Guy took that to a whole other level and Trista melted for it. That’s it. I’m officially changing my approach towards women. Where’s the closest poetry class I can sign up for? How soon can I schedule surgery to have my balls removed? Where can I get a leash to fit around my neck so that my girlfriend can drag me around by it? Here’s a start: “I’ll make love to you, like you want me to. And I’ll hold you tight, baby all through the night.” Woops. That’s Boyz II Men. Ok. Here’s an original poem I’m laying on my next woman: “Honey, you make it so much easier to breathe when I feel like I’m stuck. So let’s sit by the fire, converse for a while, and immediately begin to…..have deep conversation. You are the inspiration to my living, an absolute heartthrob, Kiss me one more time honey, and give me a…..lecture on cleaning the house. Well, that’s all on the “Bachelorette”. Hope you enjoyed the column. Let’s pray that “Temptation Island 3” starts up soon so I can continue to write about all the smut television that’s so near and dear to my heart. In closing, I think Charlie and Sarah the foot fetish chick should hook up and do crazy shit together now that they’ve both lost. Until next time……
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