1.14.04
1.21.04
1.28.04
2.4.04
2.11.04
2.18.04
REUNION SHOW
SEASON FINALE
QUESTIONS?
COMMENTS?
EMAIL ME
BACHELORETTE 2 LINKS
1.14.04
Boy, Meredith sure has a tough hill to climb this season. Entering last season, we heard for weeks and months about the 4 gazillion phone calls and emails to ABC that DEMANDED Bob Guiney be the next “Bachelor.” Why? Because he was such a great guy, every woman wanted him, and he was the type of guy every girl would love to have. Well, come to find out that St. Bob wasn’t all he was cut out to be. The minute he put the ring on Estella’s right hand, we knew it wouldn’t last. But a month, Bob? After not seeing her for five months, it took you a whole month to realize that your band, your television show, your book, and your face time were a hell of a lot more important than her? Shame on you. Estella apparently hates his ass now which I find to be hilarious. I can’t remember how many tv and talk shows those two paraded around in professing how much they were going to enjoy being an actual couple, then one month later it’s splitsville and she never wants to talk to him anymore. Like he cares.
As for Meredith, most people you talk to weren’t too thrilled to hear she was the next “Bachelorette”. I think the overwhelming response I got when telling people she was the next “Bachelorette” was, “Which one was she?” Not a good start. But hey, lets give her a chance, huh? She can’t possibly be as annoying as Trista, can she? Didn’t think so. But most people aren’t too thrilled about this season which immediately puts Meredith behind the 8-ball. So I was expecting some short mini skirts, maybe some implants, a little tongue action on the premiere possibly. Ah, no. Just the normal meet and greet with 25 tards. This could be a loooooooong season.
-Host Chris has grown sideburns since our latest installment. I think. Did he have the Priestley’s goin’ before? I don’t know. And I really shouldn’t care. Ok. I don’t. He proceeds to tell us that the last “Bachelorette” installment had a fairy tale ending with Trista and Ryan getting married. Please. Let’s not re-live that God awful event. I still have nightmares of pink flowers, and pink dresses, and pink china, and pink sheets, and pink chairs, and pink elephants attacking me. And oh yeah. Pink sand too. That’s got to be a wedding first. Pouring sand into a vase to symbolize unity, or whatever it was it symbolized. Just go with the candles please and enough with the fancy shmancy sand. There’s nothing exciting about blue and pink sand.
-Host boy now tells us that ABC got tons of emails, phone calls, and letters from people asking, “How could Bob let Meredith go?” Really? They did? Were they more than the 15 quadrillion that ABC got begging and pleading for cold-hearted Bob Guiney? Can I see proof of this? No one in my inner circle said that to me the next morning. Why am I guessing most of those emails came from addresses ending in @abc.com? Outside of Meredith’s immediate family and a couple stalkers (no, I didn’t), who’d take the time to place a phone call saying that want Meredith as the next “Bachelorette”?
-So host Chris introduces us to our lovely Bachelorette. We get to look back on Meredith’s life scouring pictures dating all the way back to birth. Through grammar school we see the 80’s hair goin’ with the Flock of Seagulls feathered look, to the teased bangs. One constant through all the years with Meredith though has been the little separation between the two front teeth. It was there when she was five, and it’s there when she’s 30. Oh boy.
-I never thought five minutes into the show that I’d already have a nickname for Meredith. Frankly, typing a whole eight letters every time I want to mention her name is just too much to handle. So, let’s narrow it down to six. Considering she attended Oregon St. University, we’ll just refer to her as the “beaver”. And no. In no way, shape, or form does that nickname reflect anything having to do with her front teeth. Not at all. She’s an Oregon St. grad, so we’ll call her the “beaver.” It’s got nothing to do with the teeth. Nothing at all. “Beaver” it is.
-One thing I noticed as the Beav was awaiting her parade of dorks to show up, she towers over Host Chris. If I’m not mistaken, she’s 5’10”. So I’m guessing we can immediately eliminate any short dudes from this competition. I know height should have nothing to do with whether or not two people should go out, but you cannot tell me that the first thought that crosses your mind when a couple walks into the room and the girl is significantly taller than the guy is, “That doesn’t look right.” Yeah, sure. Only I think that.
-Commercial break. Here’s where they tease us with, “Who will get the mysterious white rose?” Mysterious? Does it have poison in it? Does it squirt water like the ones clowns use for their lame, unfunny act? C’mon. Mysterious? Anyone who hasn’t been living under a rock for the last couple weeks (or in my case, scouring the internet for all the dirt I can find out about the show) knows that the white rose symbolizes who she wants her first solo date with. Should I feel proud that I knew the meaning of the white rose about a month ago? No, really. I have been counting the days til’ this started.
-Ok, here come the 25 prince charmings. I’d say 80% of them had a blue shirt on. And with the help of ABC.com, throughout the column, I’ll be able to give you a little background on these gentlemen based upon their answers to the profile questions. Some are bad, most are terrible, and all of them are boring. But here are a few guys that immediately stuck out to me.
-Matthew…first guy out of the limo. Forgot to say his name at first. Basically looks like a slimmer Bob Guiney. Ah hah. So the Beaver hasn’t gotten over Bob yet.
-Lanny…he’s a horse breeder. Translation: redneck. However, I think his Southern charm could keep him around a while even though Meredith hates horses.
-Justin….pro baseball player. Translation: I’m still in the minor leagues making $26,000 a year, riding around in buses, and waiting for my call-up to the bigs.
-Damon….arena football player. Apparently the Beav wants an athlete. And someone who’s tall.
-Keith….Keith has a ponytail and greasy hair. He’s not long for this game I don’t think.
-Commercial. “50 First Dates” starring Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore opens next month. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What’s wrong with this picture. Anna Nicole Pig is skinny and Drew Barrymore is fat? When did this happen and why wasn’t I forewarned? Looks like the Drewster has definitely gotten a few buffets in since “Charlie’s Angels: Full Feeding”. Disappointing.
-Chad….he started crying in his interview session because his dad recently died and gave him some advice about living every day like it’s your last, make the most out of each day, and go on a reality dating show and making an ass of yourself or something like that.
-Andy…..the token Asian guy. Good luck, sir. You’ll need it.
-Marcus….the token Black guy. Good luck, sir. You’ll need it.
-Brad….he’s the guy with the color contacts so all the girls will drool over his light eyes. And he admits he’s ready to get married and be a soccer dad. I see definite potential in him to get walked all over by the Beaver. He could be the early odds on favorite.
-Anselm….he has longer hair than her, and he wears an earring. And his name is Anselm. Enough said.
-Ian….good looking guy. Looks like the “Beastmaster”. You know, the movie that’s on TBS 15 times a week. Well, either that, or “Clash of the Titans”. Trivia question: Which runs more during the course of a calendar year: “Beastmaster” on TBS, “Clash of the Titans” on TBS, “Dumb and Dumber” on TNT, or “Coming to America” on USA? Tough one.
-She’s met them all and now it’s time to mingle. Notice how ABC kept this premiere to an hour long? I think all past “Bachelor/ette” premieres have been at least an hour and a half. Another thing the Beaver has going against her: Even ABC realizes they might have made a mistake. Even Firestone got over an hour to introduce himself. Nice to see he dumped Jen for no reason whatsoever. “Wanted different things out of life”? Translation: I want to be single. I wonder if he and Bob just shammed ABC for a little publicity. Betcha’ they had this thing planned out long in advance. Firestone Winery needed a little pick-me-up, so Andrew gets on the show. Guiney’s band needed a little national airtime and “Walla!”, he’s the next Bachelor. Of course, ABC got back at him and sued his ass for promoting the album- and lost. Yes, their entire face is covered in egg.
-Well, we found out a couple things about Meredith when she was mingling amongst the horndogs. When she turns her head, her earrings clank together and make loud noises that I didn’t like. But then that all stopped when her earring completely fell off since it was a clip-on. Clip-on earrings? You mean females over the age of ten actually wear those? Hey, I’m no wardrobe designer, but isn’t that kind of tacky? And she was a model? She’ll wear fake earrings yet she won’t get fake front teeth to cover the gap? No really, it’s not bothering me.
-The Beaver sits down with the token Asian guy, Andy. Here’s how the conversation went. Andy: “I’m a dentist.” The Beaver: “You have very nice teeth.” Andy: “So do you.” Uhhhh, not quite. Hey don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike Meredith at all, in fact, she’s very attractive outside of the parking space between her front teeth. I’m just having a hard time not looking at them. Are my teeth perfect? No. But you can’t throw a football through them either. Ok, I’ll stop.
-One of the guys says, “What bar do you go to where 25 guys are all jocking the same girl?” Try any bar in L.A. pal. I was at the Circle Bar in Santa Monica this past weekend and I swear I saw the same girl get hit on by at least 10 to 15 different guys. No, I wasn’t one of them. Never ceases to amaze me all the cheesy lines or acts guys put on to get a girl’s attention. The most common thread this weekend was the, “Oh-I’m-sorry-can-I-squeeze-through-here-hey-what’s-your-name?” line. A classic. Pretending you need to squeeze your fat ass through her and her friends when if you just walked the other way, there was plenty of room. Or there’s always the, “Boy-it’s-loud-in-here-let-me-put-both-my-hands-on-your-hips-while-I-lean-in-and-shout-in-your-ear” move. However, to defend the men on that one, I will say that sometime we’re just too piss drunk and we’re using you to hold ourselves up. Never thought of that, did ya’?
-Meredith is quite impressed with the handpicked 25 meatheads ABC chose for her. “Some of these guys have really blown me away. They’re smart, good-looking, successful. This is going to be fun.” Exactly what did you expect them to choose for you? 27 year old waiters who are still going to school and living at home? Oh wait. That’s “Average Joe”. My bad.
-Meredith is pulled aside by Keith. Keith owns like three companies in San Diego and felt the need to tell us that the first time he was on camera. Thank you Keith. And one of those companies is a slipper store. So Keith gives Meredith a special little gift when he gets her alone which is a pair of ugly, pink and white slippers that a five year old would wear. She’s speechless. How do I know this guy will end up with the “mysterious” white rose?
-One of the other guys gave her 2 little wind-up monkeys. So Keith went with the gift for a 5 year old, and was outdone by some guy that went with a gift that is routinely played with by 2 to 3 year olds. I really wish I could’ve remembered which guy it was. Oh well. Whoever he is, I’m sure he won’t be around long. Meredith said it was an “intriguing” gift. Translation: What the hell was that?
-Time for the deliberation room with Host Chris. Same chatter we hear from everyone. “I’m nervous. I hope I don’t make a mistake and eliminate the wrong person.” I was shocked that Host Chris didn’t ask her who caught her eye first. That’s always a good question, since we know that whoever she says is obviously staying for a while. Let’s face it, the 10 guys eliminated last night were all dumped because of looks. There wasn’t nearly enough time to get to know them in that little mixer they had going on. Basically, she thinks you’re ugly, fellas. Goodbye.
-Time to give out our 15 roses…..
-Harold….he’s a hockey player. When asked why he would like to find his spouse on a TV show, he responded, “I’m tired of conventional dating, and I’ve seen such great results on the previous shows.” And which shows were those? Bob and Andrew fleeced ABC for some airtime while leading their women on, Alex liked dudes, and Aaron decided to go on national television to tell Helene he hated her. Other than that, they’ve turned out swell.
-Todd….he made a comment about how 25 guys competing for one girl makes him feel like he’s a “sperm”. Great analogy, pal. You’re goin’ places.
-Marcus…token black guy. Can a brotha’ get a witness?
-Brad….he and his color contacts are advancing to the next round.
-Ryan M….the only guy wearing a peach shirt last night. He’s most proud of his “ability to make money and not work for anyone else.” So he’s a stripper?
-Ian….the “Beastmaster” is on to Round 2. He’s gonna be a tough one to beat. When is he going to wear that piece of cloth that barely covered his genitals? Did he bring his two ferrets with him?
-Chad….thank God he didn’t cry when given his rose.
-Lanny….Lanny and his horses might be a player in this game. He’ll never win considering the Beaver despises horses, but, she can’t be “Trista” shallow and dump him because he’s a redneck.
-Robert…has a perm, lives about 15 minutes from where I live, and three adjectives that best describe him he says are, “hilarious, explosive, and playful.” What does someone mean when they say they’re “explosive”? Should he be letting everyone know this about him right off the bat?
-Sean….he has a crooked face. Has been engaged before and says the accomplishments he’s most proud of are, “the great friends I have, including my ex-girlfriends.” Uh oh. He’s still hung up on his ex’s back home. See ya.
-Ryan R….accomplishments he’s most proud of are “my ability to balance a social life while playing multiple sports at a high level during my educational career.” Translation: I was awesome at Intramurals in college.
-Damon….our arena football player says his accomplishments he’s most proud of was “the day I scored my first touchdown in pro football and threw the ball to my dad in the stands.” Translation: I’m a meathead.
-Eliot….all you need to know about Eliot is that he spells Eliot with one “l”. I don’t like that.
-Matthew….our Bob Guiney look-a-like sticks around. I wonder if his Grandma will die during the show and he and Meredith can take a trip to her grave, then right when they get back, she’ll dump him at the rose ceremony. Boy, that Guiney is looking worse and worse by the day.
-(White Rose)…..This goes to our boy Rick. You know, never in a million years did I think the way to a woman’s heart was to be 5 inches shorter than her and to buy her ridiculous pink slippers that she’ll never wear. Ever.
-So, our token Asian guy didn’t make it. Shocker. And our boy Keith and his ponytail are going to have to offer their services to some other lady. Keith: “I’m a special guy. I have a lot to offer.” Yes you do. Just nothing that any sane, good looking, intelligent, woman would want.
-Coming up this season, we get clips of the Beaver making out with quite a few of the boys. Also, Rick’s slipper business becomes something that none of the other guys give a rat’s ass about, they go to a Mighty Ducks hockey game, Meredith cries over the choices she has to make, Meredith definitely feels like there’s more than one guy she’s falling for, and every guy claims Meredith is the greatest thing since sliced bread, and they could see themselves marrying her. Ahhh….how sweet. I love it when men confuse lust with love. Such pigs.
back to THE BACHELORETTE 2 index page