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1.10.05
Another season is upon us, another group of twenty-four meatheads, and another eight weeks of my life wasted away. Yet, I find myself thoroughly intrigued by our latest cast of characters. More on that in a minute. Just to remind everyone, as I mentioned in the last column I wrote about six weeks ago, with the show moving to Monday nights, I became quite torn. What do I watch at 9:00? “24”, or the “Bachelorette”? C’mon, is ever any doubt. Hey, I might be one of the few males walking this planet who even gives a rat’s ass about this show, but I don’t like it THAT much. That’s a no-brainer. It’s “24” at 9:00 every day of the week and twice on Sundays, tape the “Bachelorette” and watch it from 10:00 to 11:00. And the fact that they made me wait 7 months since the last episode to see “24” almost put me into cardiac arrest. But I’m ok now. As long as I know Jack Bauer will eventually save the world again, we’re fine. Onto our show….
-Five seconds into the show and I already didn’t like the change of location to New York. Why? Couple reasons, but the main one being that I didn’t feel the true New York vibe. Example: When Host Chris (still looking all cheery and dapper these days after eight seasons of this crap) opens the show in a suit walking the streets of New York with a camera crew, how come we never heard some guido stick his head out the window of his car and tell Chris to “f*** off!” Or even have some local walk by him on the street and give him the one finger salute. And if you think that’s the last New York stereotype I’m going to mention this season, you’ve got another thing coming. Hey, I was born in New York. I don’t hate the city, but they can talk all they want about “the city to fall in love in”, but this show doesn’t belong there. This is a California show. The backdrop of this show taking place in New York City will bother me all season. I don’t like it. Move it back now, or I’m shutting down my column. That should tell em’.
-Host Chris introduces Jen as the “most beloved woman to ever appear on the show”. Whoa now. Says who? I myself might think she’s the best all-around girl they’ve ever had in ANY season, but what proof do they have to back up that statement. Did she receive the “15,000 or so emails and phone calls”, a la Bob Guiney? Huh? Did she? I’m still scratching my head as to why Jen is even doing this, but that’s another question for another day. I mean let’s face it, if it weren’t for her decision to come back and do the show, we would’ve never been introduced to my new favorite whipping boy, Fabrice. We’ll get to that frog momentarily.
-So Host Chris does the obligatory “Let’s take a look at our Bachelorette” video. Recapping her previous appearance, we got to see her and Andrew on the cover of all the magazines, living vicariously through them as their relationship crumbled before our very eyes. And there was one thing that stuck out more than anything during that video clip, and that’s “Was it written into her contract that in order to agree to do the show, ABC would have to foot the bill to have the mole removed from under Jen’s chin?” It was definitely visible during Firestone’s season, and it was definitely visible on all those magazine covers. But now, walla! It’s gone. I wonder if her contract was filled with ten pages of stipulations like Guiney’s was? I’m guessing it wasn’t that long considering somehow Fabrice made it onto the show.
-During her video tribute, we learned that back in high school, other girls were very jealous of Jen because she was considered a “boy magnet”. Translation: Jen was a slut in high school and the football team probably took turns with her. Actually, that’s rather harsh. A complete assumption on my part that’s not based in any fact whatsoever. I apologize. Could’ve been the basketball team. And I loved the proverbial cheerleading pictures with the giant bangs and the permed out hair. Very 80’s of her. Where were the pictures of her in oversized sweaters that exposed one shoulder and leg warmers?
-Commercial. Fox started with “Nanny 911”, and now ABC will treat us to “Super Nanny” beginning next week. I haven’t seen “Nanny 911”, nor will I, and I sure as hell won’t be watching “Super Nanny”. And what makes these nanny’s any better than other nannies? Because they’re British? The only famous nanny I remember is Mary Poppins. Why are all the good nannies from Europe? Can someone do research on this please? And no, I can’t get “Just a Spoonful of Sugar” out of my head now either. Actually, Rebecca DeMornay in “Hand that Rocks the Cradle” is another famous nanny. But she was evil cuz’ the woman who’s baby she breast fed and tried to steal was the woman who turned her husband over to the cops because she was being touched wrong during her examination then he ended up killing himself. You’d think she’d do a little more research before hiring her. She almost lost her family because of it. But in the end, good prevailed over evil like it always does. And Rebecca DeMornay got thrown off the roof. I’m babbling.
-We then are treated to more video of Jen being the only “Bachelorette” who’s ever had a hand in the casting of her own “Bachelors”. And I must say what a bang up job she did. How much of a say did she actually have? Because for the life of me, I can’t imagine she looked at Fabrice and said, “That’s him! That’s my future husband! Put him on the show!” I think they portrayed Jen as having a lot to say about who she picked and so on and so forth just so they could change it up a bit. But the bottom line was ABC was casting who they damn well wanted to cast, whether Jen liked it or not. But if it was the case that Jen had a hand in choosing all 25 men, isn’t it quite a coincidence that she one black man to be a part of the 25, just like the previous 8 seasons which all had one black contestant. Gee, coincidence?
-At this point of the show, the “Bachelorette” turned into “American Idol” as they showed clips of people who didn’t make the show. Including one guy who they asked to “beat box”. That was attractive. Why would they ask him to do that? Did it have anything to do with they knew they wanted to show that later in the “Clips of Guys that Jen Wouldn’t Pick in a Million Years” segment? I think so. And during some of the interviews, Jen was in another room unbeknownst to the prospective gentleman being interviewed, and she’d be in the interviewer’s ear giving him the questions she wanted answered. To one of the fireman being interviewed she even said, “There’s a fire in my pants, can you come put it out? (Gasp) Jennifer Schefft! You naughty little girl. I wouldn’t think of such a thing! (You go girl).
-Before she leaves, Jen and her two friends Abby and Michelle, get to look at pictures of the 25 men so they can start with their preconceived notions. This was fun. Although it was interesting to me that her two friends both said Jen needs someone with a sports background and then she ended up dumping both guys who had careers in sports, Chris M. and Collin. Chris M. was a sports writer and Collin was a sports agent. So much for that.
-Commercial. Are you kidding me? Jared from Subway is still pitching commercials? Didn’t he lose his weight like six years ago? Apparently he was the only one to lose weight on that Subway diet since they can’t find anyone else skinny enough to put in their commercials. Unbelievable. It was a great story back when he actually lost his 500 lbs or whatever it was. But now? Six years later? I still have to hear him tell me how he was Subway for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and his midnight feedings? And I LIKE Subway. Just not that much. In fact, I’ll probably have a footlong tuna on wheat tomorrow. But I won’t have it every day til 2006. Bizarre ad campaign. Makes you kinda think he didn’t lose all that weight just eating Subway sandwiches, does it?
-We’ve arrived at reason #2 why I don’t like this season being in New York. Too cramped. I want them rolling up to a mansion on top of a hill overlooking Los Angeles. Not having some limo turn a corner on a busy street and having Host Chris standing on the sidewalk in front of an apartment complex. That didn’t look right. Hell, he could’ve gotten shot standing there all by himself in a suit.
-Before she meets her men, Jen sits down for a little Q & A with Chris about her breakup with Bozo the Firestone. Basically, she said she was very happy in the beginning, but their different lifestyles were too much to overcome. They were travelling every week for his job, and she needed more stability in her life. Translation: He was a drug addict and one of the all-time great skirt chasers, and I wanted to be with Bill Rancic. The end.
-Jen: “It won’t be easy for Andrew to watch this show, but he wished me luck.” Wrong. If, and that’s a big “if”, if Andrew is even watching this show Jen, I’m guessing it won’t be hard for him at all. Why would it be when he’s rolling around in a hot tub with two Playmates and you’re wasting your time with Pepe LePew and stalkers named Stu. Hey, that rhymed. Yeah, I’m sure Firestone gets insanely jealous when winners like “Liquor Store” Chris are vying to get in your pants. The guy’s probably laughing his ass off while doing blow off some skank’s chest.
-Host Chris: “What are you looking for in a guy?” Jen: “Someone who’s down to earth. A best friend.” Oh christ. You know, what’d you think she was gonna say? Actually, just once I’d like to hear a woman when asked that question say, “I want an absolute loser. Some guy with no future, no money to his name, and just an all-around bad guy that I don’t have a damn thing in common with.” I just think that’d be funny. Has anyone, man OR woman, when asked the question “What are you looking for?” ever answered that without having the phrase “Someone who’s down to earth and a best friend” anywhere in their answer?
-Host Chris has surprise for Jen. Her two best friends, Abby and Michelle, will be waitresses at the cocktail party and the guys won’t know who they are. So they show the two getting ready, and for someone who plays a minor role this year, I’m sure Jen’s friend Michelle was thrilled to know the cameras got a shot of her in only her bra. Then later gets hit on by one of Jen’s bachelors. Wonder if she took advantage of either the pervert cameraman who probably watches that film over and over, or Eric, the bachelor who apparently forgot what show he was on and what the objective was.
-Commercial. I hope Ashlee Simpson was watching last night. They ran an ad for “Nexium” which cures Acid Reflux Disease. Does “Nexium” also prevent you from screeching like a dog during the halftime of the Orange Bowl? That was crazy. She has a good voice when she’s not lip synching, but that performance at halftime was one of the worst things I’d ever seen. I expand on this a tad more in this week’s “Reality Roundup”, so go check that out. Has anyone ever had two national TV flops in a span of two months besides her? I’m sure she’s feeling great about her career right now. Bad decision to put her on at halftime, regardless of the performance. She should never have been there in the first place.
-Time to meet our bachelors. Here’s how it breaks down by occupation this season….
3 Attorneys – Matt L., Ryan (New York), and Stu
2 guys that ski – Ben the ski coach, and Andy the ski instructor
2 guys in Sports – Chris M. the sports writer, and Collin the sports agent
2 Consulters – David is a marketing consultant, whereas Kevin is just listed as “consultant”
2 Teachers – Michael and Ryan (California)
2 Entrepreneurs – John Paul and Wendell
2 Firefighters – Eric T. and Matt M.
As for the rest of the clan, mixed in we have a mortgage consultant (A.W., Newport Beach. Usually we have about 4 or 5 of those don’t we?), a bartender (Andrew, New York), a hair stylist (Chris C., the local drunk), a magazine editor (Eric H.), Real Estate Investor (Fabrice. Yes, Fabrice is his name. I sprayed some of that on my carpet last week, didn’t I? All I know is my room smells great because of him), motivational speaker (Jason. No, not Max Foley), an art gallery director (Jerry, heterosexual as far as we know), a pro marathoner (Josh, who’s a virgin as well. Things are looking good for him already), a welder (Keith, who has giant chompers), and a commerical financer (Mark, if that’s even a job title).
-Through this list of guys, we are able to immediately eliminate four guys from having any chance at winning just by name only: Stu, Fabrice, Wendell, and Andrew. I mean, can you see eight weeks from now on the cover of US Weekly the headline of: “Jen and Stu: A Match Made in the Big Apple”? Neither can I. Same with Wendell and Fabrice. As for Andrew? C’mon. No matter if this guys worships the ground she walks on, there’s no way she’d pick another Andrew. And she didn’t. He’s gonzo the first night. So that only leaves us with 21 guys who have any shot at winning this thing. And judging by these guys acts last night, I think you can narrow it down to about four guys right away, and already can throw one immediately to the final two.
-There were a few guys that made an impression, either good or bad right away. Here were a few:
Eric T. : our first firefighter introduced. He told Jen, “My mom said we’d make a great couple.” Oh did she? Well, when Mom’s tucking you in tonight, tell her she was wrong. Apparently Jen didn’t think so.
Chris : his dad owns a liquor store which apparently gave him the right to drink everyone under the table last night. So let me get this straight: Because your dad owns a liquor store, you supposed to drink a lot. My father owns a gun store, does that mean I have the right to go shooting people? This guy’s sharp. And what a surprise, he’s a giant redneck from Kentucky. I can’t possibly imagine Jen thought by a three minute interview this guy should be on the show. He looked at Jen and said, “You are puuuuuuuuurrrrre eye candy.” And you’re a pure hillbilly. Go away and cut your hair.
Jason : our 2nd virgin appearing this season. He’s a motivational speaker as well. He said, “My body’s not a carnival ride, it’s a gift.” Oooooohhhhhkkkkkkkkaaaaaayyyy. The door is down the stairs, to your left. Thank you for coming.
Stu : he watched every episode from “Bachelor 3” with Jen and Firestone. 500 times. And probably touches himself to it as well. Stu the Stalker is too easy of a name for him considering the show already referenced him that way later on. Why didn’t they just present him with the restraining order at the rose ceremony and get it over with?
Matt M. : our 2nd firefighter. He had a great line I’m sure he memorized for months before coming on the show. “Part of my job is running into burning buildings. This experience almost feels like running into a burning building, but this is a burning building I want to run into and come out with Jen draped over my shoulder.” Quit the cheesy analogies pal. That was horrible.
Kevin : he said, “After Jen was on the ‘Bachelor’, all my friends were coming up to me saying, ‘Dude, she’s totally your type.’” Very perceptive friends you have. Too bad they were dead wrong. No rose for you tonight. And Kevin, you think you’re friends were the only ones who came up to you and said, “She’s your type, you should try out”? I’m guessing any horny guys friends did.
David : he likes to work out and “wear tight fitting clothing”. How come he never mentioned what he’s been up to since him and the band broke up. I mean, “New Kids on the Block” were a teen sensation. People want to know what you’ve been up to, Danny. We know your brother Jordan is back to making videos, but what’s your story?
Fabrice : what else is there to say other than his name is Fabrice, you can’t understand a word he’s staying, he’s trying waaaaaaaaaaaay too hard to impress Jen, and that he’s frog who probably smells and no one likes. Other than that, he’s a great guy.
Josh : our second virgin on the show who’s also a marathon runner. And Josh also wins the award for “Worst Parting of His Hair” tonight. How many hours does it take him to perfect that thing? Two? Three? Easy there, McFly.
Matt L. : an attorney. Probably the quote of the night with, “I have difficulty dating girls who are dumb.” Don’t we all.
Jerry : last guy out of the limo, and first guy Jen almost lost her cookies to. She thinks he’s hot, and so do her friends. Do not collect $200 Jerry and go straight to the Final Two. He’ll be around for a while, if not win it all. Although the “People” magazine cover of “Jen and Jerry” could get a few laughs.
-The cocktail party begins, as does the c**k blocking. All these guys are in full force to grab Jen’s attention stopping at nothing to do so. Stu the C.L.B. (Creepy Little Bastard), is up first to knock her socks off. And I’m sure he scared them right off her telling her about his infatuation with the show, and how he knew he had to apply after hearing it was her. I thought I saw policeman standing in the other room waiting to cuff this guy the minute he moved in for a kiss, but that could’ve been an illusion. Despite the CLB’s weirdness, I think he’ll last for a while, at least until the final six or four, before she gets completely wigged out by the guy and has him arrested. Then he’ll probably go on a five state killing spree afterwards.
-Eric the magazine editor has pretty much either had enough of Jen for the evening or forgot what he was doing on the show. While getting cocktails, he begins hitting on Jen’s friend Michelle, even asking her what time she gets off her shift. I’ve never been on the “Bachelorette” so I’m not too familiar with how everything works, but I’m guessing rule #1 would be: “Don’t hit on the bachelorette’s best friend”. I could be wrong though.
-At one point during the party, Jen was sitting down talking with Matt L., Chris the drunken redneck, and Josh the Virgin #2. Chris is completely faded at this point speaking incoherently, and Josh is going on a diatribe about how his faith made him the person he is today, and what he’s looking for and on and on and on and on. I thought for sure Matt L. would get a rose just by default for placing himself in company with these two knuckleheads. In fact, I think that was the strategy he was after. “I’ll say absolutely nothing, while these two yahoo’s make complete asses of themselves. That’s gotta help my chances.” It didn’t. Sorry Matt L. Go back to Manhattan Beach and maybe I’ll run into you when I’m over at Jamie and Matt’s house.
-Commercial. “Hope and Faith” this week should be a doozy. Not only does it have an appearance by Regis, but Kelly Ripa’s husband is in it too. Wow! Unbelievable! They’re actually billing it as “The first time in prime time television both of the men in Kelly’s life on the same show!” You’ve got to be kidding me. I don’t understand the attention Kelly Ripa gets. Just because she’s pumped out three kids yet stays under 90 lbs, is that a reason to praise her? She’s annoying as hell, that’s all I do know for sure. I actually caught quite a bit of “Regis and Kelly” in the month of December because the guy in the cafeteria at work always had it on when I went in to order breakfast. God someone needs to put a muzzle on her.
-Another guy Jen gets alone time with is Michael. Michael looks about 6’8”, 260. He’d crush her. Anyway, he’s a semi-stalker in that his dad was in the same fraternity as Jen’s dad at Mount Union college, and was in fact her dad’s big brother. So he hunted her down….errrrr…applied for the show, got on, and gave her a teddy bear with her dad’s alma mater on it. Nice. Now quit being such a huge monster, Michael. You’re scaring me.
-Michelle and Abby meet to gossip about the guys because that’s what women do. Their assessment so far:
Stu: they hope he doesn’t freak Jen out. Ladies, we’re waaaay past that now. She’s already contemplating in her mind if she wants that restraining order to be for 500 feet or 1000 feet.
Michael: they like him because he was talking to them about shopping and totally understood where women are coming from when they can never find their size, because he has that same trouble considering he’s 7’6”, 425 lbs. Michael understands women and their shopping habits. Then you’re all alone in this world Mike, because the rest of us are clueless. Never understood it, and probably never will.
Fabrice: they think he seems very self-absorbed. You forgot ugly, smelly, completely ignornant, and smelly.
-Ben gave a toast to all the guys to “lying, cheating, stealing, and drinking”. He gave an explanation for each one, none of which I remember. All I kept thinking was, “Who’s Ben, and why is he toasting 24 other guys he’s in competition with”. I think Michael the large monster wanted to go kick his ass. In fact, I think Michael the Beast could probably wipe out all 24 contestants with his pinky if he wanted do. He’d crush Jen. Did I mention that yet? Just checking.
-Host Chris rudely interrupts Pepe LePew asking Jen if she’s going to give a rose to a guy from Paris named “Fabrice”, as he comes in banging away on his wine glass. He then reveals that the two waitresses are Jen’s two best friends, to which Eric the Playa’ realizes his pants are down at his ankles. Woops. Anyway, Abby and Michelle are asked to give out the “first impression” rose, and they give it to Keith and his big chompers. Jen: “Keith didn’t jump out at me”. Abby and Michelle: “But he’s soooooo nice, and you haven’t had any time with him yet.” So they gave a guy the first rose who she hadn’t even spoke to yet? That was a risk if you ask me. What if a great guy like, oh I don’t know, Chris the Liquor Store Lush, missed out on a rose because her friends took a flyer on a some dude with giant enamel? Only time will tell. -Time for the Rose Ceremony. No different than any others except that it looks like it’s in a room that’s about 10 feet by 15 feet. The whole cramping of this show is really bothering me.
Ryan (California) : One of two Ryan’s.
A.W. : The only A.W. In the world.
Matt (New York) : The “firefighter, burning buildings, cheesy analogy” guy.
Wendell : In honor of the group “Arrested Development”, we’ll call him “Mr. Wendell” for the remainder of his stay on the show.
Ryan (New York) : The other Ryan. Token black guy. Two Ryan’s, one is white, and one is black. Yet they refer to them as “Ryan, California” and “Ryan, New York”. Why not just make it easy and shorter and just…..forget it.
Mark : I have no idea who this guy is. He did have a pink shirt on though.
-It was at this point that David, or “Danny Knight”, suddenly collapsed for no reason. That was weird. Everyone came to his help, gave him some water, then…..nothing. Right back to the cheesy music playing and Jen continuing the rose ceremony. I think when this happened, “Please Don’t Go Girl” was running through my head. Or it could’ve been “The Right Stuff”.
Ben : Brutal. Right here, you knew David wasn’t getting a rose. I mean, the guy just passed out. If you were planning on giving him a rose, you would’ve given it to him next before he passed out again. Why make him wait longer? So he could swallow his tongue again? When Ben got it, our N.K.O.T.B. was S.O.L.
John Paul : You think many people have nicknamed this guy “the Pope”.
Jerry : One of our two finalists. You can mark it down now. Trust me. And I don’t have any inside information yet. “National Enquirer” usually doesn’t reveal the winner til’ there’s about six people left.
Jason : Motivational speaker. Virgin. So he motivates others to not have sex?
Josh : Marathon runner. Virgin #2. So when she made out her list of final fifteen, did she conveniently put the two fairies back-to-back, or was that just a coincidence?
Fabrice : Well, at least I can continue for another week with the French smelling jokes and the Pepe LePew references.
Michael : If she didn’t pick him, he might have put her in his hand and carried her to the top of the Empire State Building.
-Host Chris: “Jen….Gentleman….this is the final rose of the night. When you’re ready.” Nine seasons in now, and the nipplebrain host has yet to come up with a new phrase at this point in the show. Is he on salary or do they pay him hourly?
Stu the CLB : He scares the bejesus out of me. Imagine when he pays for dinner using her VISA ATM card number that he’s memorized.
-Eric didn’t get a rose. “I didn’t get a rose tonight because….she didn’t want to give me one.” No. You didn’t get a rose tonight because you tried to molest her best friend tonight passing out the drinks.
-In scenes for the coming weeks, we get:
-at least two different one-on-one dates that I saw Jerry on
-Fabrice interrupting Jen right before a rose ceremony
-six cop cars out in front of the guys apartment. Probably all trying to pepper spray Stu the CLB off Jen. Just a guess.
-Stu saying, “I want to know her mom’s name, I want to know her favorite color, what ice cream she likes…..” Oh boy. Why don’t Stu and Trish get together for lunch?
-and Jen having a giant meltdown because, surprise, she’s torn about dating more than one guy at a time. I never saw that coming. Ever. Until next week…
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