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1.17.05
So this show is only two episodes old, and already there’s rumors swirling about Jen and her fellow bachelors. One of the rumors is actually a fact, and the other two are reported to be true, with one of those two probably leaning toward being a fact as well. Make sense? Good. Didn’t to me either. They’re not necessarily spoilers, but if you want to close your eyes for the next paragraph or so, go ahead. But you’d really look foolish.
-Our rumor that is based in fact is that Jerry, the hunk that most of the women are drooling over, was on “Real World: Back to New York”. He was the doorman at the Harry Winston jeweler store that Lori kept stalking. She had a crush on him, introduced herself, he flirted with her, gave her a tour of the store, even allowed her to put on some of the expensive jewelry, then basically told Lori he never asked her out because he was “practically married”. So this guy is no stranger to being on a reality show. I wonder if he told Jen about how he led Lori on before lowering the boom on her? Probably not. Granted, most people don’t remember Lori’s and Jerry’s escapade, because we were too fixated on Mike and his alter ego, “The Miz”, and Coral giant boobs.
Then there's this column that was just in the NY Post this morning....
"IF at first you don't succeed, find a new reality TV babe to date" seems to be the mantra of Jerry, one of the contestants on "The Bachelorette." The art gallery director, 29, is said to be "desperate" to break into television, and believes he'll get noticed as the arm candy of a bevy of reality chicks. First he dated Lori Trespicio from "The Real World: 10," getting air time but no deals. Then he moved to Los Angeles and dated Lisa Donahue, the winner of "Big Brother 3." "He thought he needed not just a cast member but a winner," a source shared. Now, he's hoping the third time's a charm with bachelorette Jen Schefft. So do we." Nice Jerry. Looks like you're right on track for 15 minutes of fame.
-There are two rumors floating around about Fabrice. One is that he’s gay. And secondly, that he’s a plant by ABC and is actually a friend of Jen. As for the gay issue, his picture has popped up on a couple gay websites apparently, and there’s some guy on the internet claiming to have dated him in the past and says Fabrice is currently seeing someone. And that someone has a penis. Although I’m dying to believe this rumor is true, I can’t imagine it is. There’s no way ABC could let something like that slip through the cracks based on all background checking they do on these people. Please. You gotta give like a urine sample and a lock of your hair to the producers to go on this show. I highly doubt they overlooked something like someone being gay. Him being a friend of Jen? Doubt it as well. They did that during Jesse Palmer’s season already. They wouldn’t do it again. Especially without telling the audience.
-The last rumor is that during filming, Jen immediately fell for one guy and made it obvious from the very beginning who she was gonna pick, so the editing crew had a hell of a time finding footage of her showing interest in the other guys so it wouldn’t seem obvious to the viewing audience. They even told her, “Look missie, you’ve gotta start showing interest in some of the other guys or it’ll be overwhelmingly obvious.” This I could see. So, you can start looking for clues on which one it would be, but like I said, the editing crew has obviously spliced up enough tape of her talking about everyone evenly so it won’t be so obvious. But despite all that, I can only think of one guy who’d she be completely ga-ga over in these remaining eight.
-So the show starts with Host Chris appearing in the guy’s pad to explain tonight’s dates. There will be 2 group dates, and a one-on-one date. They will arrive via DVD, and he’s got the first one for them right now. Oooohhh, looks like the ABC budget has stepped it up a bit. We’ve got from cheesy VHS cassette tapes showing who wins the date, to DVD’s. That’s a giant step forward for them. They’re really going all out on this one. The first group date is Jerry, Ben, Ryan NY (the brother), Mike, Fabrice, A.W., and Jason. And they’re going on a bus, then a ferry. Whoopee. Ferry’s are always cool. Even though I’ve never been on one. But hey, she came on a DVD.
-Jen’s nervous about her first group date because “I’ve never dated more than one person at a time”. Then what are you doing on the show if this makes you feel uncomfortable? Maybe she said this because she already knows there’s only one guy out of the remaining 15 she even gives a crap about and doesn’t want to do all the pity dates for everyone else. Maybe she secretly sat down the fourteen losers and told them to play along even though she isn’t interested in picking them anyway. Or maybe she’s just lying and she’s a pro at dating more than one guy at a time. Remember, back in the day, she used to be called a “boy magnet”. I’m guessing she juggled a few at a time back in the day. And usually you don’t get that name by being the most mongamous person in the world.
-Jen comes over to pick up the first group of guys and we already have our first cheesedick moment of the season. Josh the virgin #2, answers the door with his shirt off. Very subtle there, Mr. Chastity. I’m guessing you were completely taken by surprise too that it was her at the door, am I right? Put your shirt on pal. Considering you’ve never even been with a woman, answering the door like that should be grounds for elimination immediately. That’s not acceptable. What if Jen was actually blown away by Mr. Virgin’s hotness and said, “Take me right now, big boy?” Would this guy have a clue what to do? Or we he just run up the stairs wetting himself along the way? I’m guessing the latter.
-So everyone gets on the NYC tour bus first before boarding the ferry. Ryan NY, or Mr. Token as I’ll call him, being from the city, is the one giving her the sightseeing tour right away. Pointing things out, pretending like he knows where everything is, and basically kissing as much ass as possible. Apparently Jen isn’t into ass kissers as evidenced by her choices at the end of the show. Goodbye Mr. Token. Anyway, they get on the boat, and immediately the first question to Jen is “What happened with Andrew?” Jen gave her “well, you know, we were travelling too much” answer and the guy’s all bought it. Like they cared. All they wanted to know was that she was single, she was horny, and each one would be given an equal opportunity to score with her. Isn’t that what every guy wants at some point?
-Of course, Mike the Behemoth, kept prodding. “So do you still keep in touch with Andrew?” Uh, hello Mike? Haven’t you, like, read “US Weekly” at all? Weren’t you totally up to date on these things? Oh wait. Guys don’t read that. Except for me. Jen is honest with the guys and says they dated for 9 months, and are still friends. Translation: If for some reason this doesn’t work out with one of you, make-up sex is always an option with Mr. Firestone.
-Fabreeze pulls Jen aside to babble away about nothing. Well, he did have one interesting thing to say. Fabreeze: “Being French sets me apart from the other guys and gives me advantage.” Really? It does? What about being gay? Does that set you apart too? I’m sorry. I just really hope that rumor is true. Although, Spray-N-Wash does have a point in he has qualities that set him apart from the other guys. He’s rude, he smells more, and he most likely chain smokes. I’m very fond of the French. Very masculine guys. You take two guys like Mike the King Kong look-a-like, then you take a pansy like Fabreeze, and you wonder how’d these two end up on the same show? Mike, if you couldn’t tell, is a bodybuilder. He’s even got his own website at www.fosterfitness.com. He’s 6’7”, 275 lbs of rock hard muscle. With the help of a needle he probably injects in his butt twice a week. I wonder if he was on his cycle during this show?
-Fabreeze won’t quit. Fabreeze: “Do zhoo mostly date zee American guys?” Jen: “Yes. Now leave me alone weirdo.” Well, she left out the second part, but it was just really awkward having to sit through that. This guy has about as much a chance of being Jen’s future husband as any of the ten eliminated last week do. I don’t even feel sorry for the guy though. More like embarrassed. He’s so slimy and not interesting. I’m really curious to hear what his “announcement” upcoming is. Please be that he likes dudes and fooled everyone. That would be a nice egg in the face of ABC, wouldn’t it?
-Commercial. “The Phantom of the Opera” was made into a movie and somehow released to the theatres without me knowing. How did I not keep up to date with this? This is right up my alley. I mean, when I rank my favorite movies of all-time, I’m having a real hard time figuring out where “Phantom” fits in. Maybe you can help me. Let’s see, “Dumb & Dumber”, “Grease 2”, “Die Hard”, “Airplane!”, “Pretty in Pink”, “Ace Ventura”, “Rocky III and IV”, and “Phantom of the Opera”. You can see where it fits right in. And yes, I’ve actually seen the play. One of those “C’mon kids, we’re going to an opera this weekend and you have no say in it” trips. I think I was in high school. Didn’t understand really what the hell was going on. Especially when they were singing every line and speaking a gibberish I couldn’t comprehend. But the guy with half a mask was cool. Although, seeing the guy from “Soap” play a Phantom had me perplexed. Theater buffs loved him as the Phantom. I just say him as “Benson”.
-So each guys gets their alone time aboard the ferry with Jen and each has their own quirk about them.
Mike the large individual – he likes to cuddle. In fact, he readily admits he spoons with his dog at night. Is this something that really should be admitted on a first date? Big 9’8” guy that weighs well over 1,600 pounds, and he likes to mount his dog in bed? Thanks, but no thanks Mike. Go bench press New York City.
Jason the Virgin – we find out Jason is a mama’s boy. Awwwww….how cute. And so very shocking too. A virgin is a mama’s boy? This show never ceases to amaze me.
Ben – he wants to run for public office someday and might very well be the President of the United States. Look, I know probably no one ever thought the “Terminator” would ever be the governor of California, but do you think a future President of the United States would have “Bachelorette contestant”on his resume?
A.W.- tells Jen that people have told him he looks like Andrew Firestone. What better way to get yourself immediately eliminated from the show than to tell her people tell you that you look like her ex. I’m sure she’s dying to give you a rose so she can hear more stories about Andrew.
Jerry – Mr. Real World asks Jen if she could teach him how to dance. Very smooth. The only guy on the boat who didn’t give her some cheesy line or embarrassing story about screwing his dog or something. Hmmm…is Jerry the one? All the signs are there.
-Back at the house, Stu is preparing mentally to be Jen’s one-on-one date. Stu: “I am absolutely completely in love with Jen.” I know the editing can get creative on this show, but Stuart my friend, you said that. They didn’t somehow splice those words together. You said those words in that exact order “I..am..absolutely..completely..in..love..with..Jen.” No….you’re…..not. I’ve never been one to give a rat’s ass about my grammar or punctuation, but, is there some sort of protocol with how many dots you use in your ellipses? Sometimes I use two, other times three, sometimes four, sometimes it’s six. Hell, I’m probably not even using it correctly anyway, so I guess I could care less how many periods I use. And I mean, like there’s any proofreading experts who’d actually correct me on this. Unless my 8th grade English teacher is reading this, I should be fine.
-DVD #2 arrives and surprise! It’s Jen. She asks Keith out for the one-on-one date. Somewhere in the loft, Stu is slitting his wrists and about to hang himself with his shoelaces. Jen did an unbelievably horrible job during these DVD shoots of reading straight off the cue cards. I wish I wrote down what she said. Something to the effect of, “Hey Keith. It’s Jen. Hope you’re having a good time. Well get ready, cuz tonight we’re gonna have a good time too. See you there.” Something lame like that.
-On the boat with all the guys, Fabreeze is sitting closest to Jen, which apparently means he gets to spout off the worst line of the night. First, he says it in French to her, and it made her all hot and bothered. Then when he translated it in English, he basically dropped one of the worst pick-up lines on her imaginable. The one that goes, “You’re father must be a thief because he stole the stars from the sky and put it in your eyes”, or however that horrible line goes. This got a good laugh around the table. I’m glad Fabreeze is using high school pick up lines on a nationally televised show. Why just go with the one that always closes the deal, “Is that a mirror in your pocket, because I can sure see myself in your pants?” No, I’ve never used that. But I’ve heard it used. Interesting fact about Steve: I’ve never used a pick-up line in my life. I’m sure you can sleep better now.
-Keith’s date is up next and Jen is worried. Jen: “What if Keith and I have nothing to say to each other.” She basically is using him as her one-on-one date because her friends picked him, not her. Keith understands fully that he needs to impress because Jen wasn’t the one who picked him for the date. This shouldn’t make him feel too nervous at all. Although Jen didn’t help out either being as talkative as a deaf person when the date first started. Jen asks what kind of art he’s in and Keith responds, “What haven’t I done? I draw a lot, poetry, paint, sculp.” A regular renaissance man, this Keith is. The “I draw a lot” comment was kinda vague. You draw a lot? What do you draw? Stick figures? Just a very awkward conversation between these two.
-Then after a car ride together, they get to dinner, and watch a pianist play as the dates gets….even more uncomfortable and awkward. It was at this point I was completely convinced Jen already knew who she wanted and it wasn’t Keith. Jen: “When I was alone with Keith, I was just out of my element.” And what element would that be? Not with Jerry? Keith tries his best save, but to no avail. Keith: “What can I do to fix it?” Uhhhh, turn into Jerry maybe? Altogether a very awkward and uncomfortable date to watch. Easily the most boring one-on-one date in the show’s history. It rivaled when Firestone and that one mouse looking chick were debating the merits of the Olive Garden. You should try their stuffed chicken marsala. One of my favorites. And if you just want a quickie at lunch, the all-you-can-eat soup, salad, and breadsticks for $5.99 you just can’t beat.
-Back at the hosue, DVD #3 arrives and it’s not soft porn….but it’s close. It’s Jen dressed in only a NY Knicks jersey inviting the remaining seven guys to a Knicks game. The guys rewind the DVD to watch it a second time because the camera started at her feet, and worked its way up. Matt: “It seemed like her legs just kept going.” Uhhh, last time I checked, Jen was about 5’3”. How long could her legs be? Yet these guys were practically having a circle jerk over the DVD. Except Stu. He was in the kitchen sharpening his knife and hiding the rope in his jacket pocket.
-Commercial. I just have to take a moment to say the Golden Globes stunk on Sunday night. I can’t think of one thing that was remotely interesting that happened. None of the movies up for movie of the year I’ve even seen, and “24” lost out to “Nip/Tuck” in Best Drama category. After that, I lost interest. Although the woman from Law & Order did accept her award with her headlights on. Aren’t you supposed to wear a stickie or something under your dress to prevent that from happening? Apparently she was in a hurry. Either that, or she thought she wouldn’t win. And you can give me til’ the end of time, and I’ll never understand the fascination with 8 hours of pre-show coverage talking about what people are wearing. I can’t believe that many regular people have that much interest in a dress they’ll never in a million years have the money to buy. Then you have fashion experts predicting what the “color” of the night will be. Will it be aqua? Will it be black? What if red makes a comeback? Are you serious with this garbage? I’m not a girl, so I guess I’m not supposed to understand these things.
-On the group date, all the guys and Jen are in a suite at Madison Square Garden for the Knicks/Mavericks game. And look, the place is half empty. Shocker no one came to see the Knicks play. In case you didn’t know, they suck this year and will for the next few years being in salary cap hell. That’s my sports take for this column. Didn’t we see last week for previews of upcoming episodes that Jen and the guys met Knick GM Isiah Thomas before the game? Did I conveniently miss this, or was this edited out? Bad move on the Knicks part. They need all the exposure they can get. Nine million people that watched the “Bachelorette” last week could boost their ratings.
-Stu is in rare form. He’s ready to go with all guns blazing. Stu: “I want to know everything about Jen. I want to know what her favorite color is, does she like chocolate or vanilla, does she like crunchy or creamy peanut butter?” Slow down there, buddy. You’re beginning to cut off her circulation. She can’t breathe. No seriously dude, stop it. It continues as he has her cornered, “I want to know when you’re having a good day and a bad day. Every second so far has been the most amazing moment of my entire life.” And every second of watching you completely humiliate yourself has been the most amazing television this series has ever produced. Jen is officially creeped out and maces Stu in the face.
-At the house, the guys gossiped about who would and who wouldn’t be getting a rose and Fabreeze called Josh stupid. Fabreeze’s intellect and charming nature is so far out in front of all the other guy’s right now. I just don’t know how the others can compete with that. What a charmer. I’m sure he just knocks the boxers right off all his boyfriends. Woops.
-At the game, Matt the firefighter from New York, gets alone time with Jen and does nothing with it. Matt: “I’m kinda shy. I’m here for all the right reasons…you’re beautiful….I’m about to cry here….I’m swallowing my tongue….I’m dropping the ball here, aren’t I?” Yeah, pretty much. Jen is turning half of these guys into basket cases. This is quite bizarre. I thought Matt was going to put his head on her shoulder and cry himself to sleep after that painful speech. Geez.
-As we go back to the house, my prediction comes true. Last week when they previewed the cops showing up, you knew it wouldn’t be anything serious. And of course, it wasn’t. The guys were being guys and acting like meatheads at 1:30 in the morning. Loud, obnoxious, probably drinking. And the neighbor across the street got pissed and called the cops. The cop came, told the guys to calm down, and said before leaving, “If I come back here, you’re all getting arrested.” That was it. How overblown was that in the previews? Absolutely nothing happened. And all this time I thought Stu was finally being summoned with his papers. Hell, he wasn’t even involved. He was at Madison Square Garden trying to molest Jen in the suite.
-Word got back to Josh that Fabreeze called him stupid and that he wouldn’t get a rose. This brought out the hulk in Virgin boy #2. Josh: “C’mon Frenchman. You can’t even begin to understand the depths of me.” No, we can’t. I’m actually with Fabreeze on this one. And not just the virgin thing. The cement that’s holding every strand of your hair together has me completely in a tizzy. He continues, “Jen needs a lover and a warrior, someone who will fight for her.” She does? Are you Perseus now? Is she Queen Andromeda? Will we get to see your battle with the Cracken coming this season? So maybe Josh should be referred to as Harry Hamlin from here on out.
-Jen arrives for the rose ceremony and the guy’s get one final chance with her. Stu’s up first. Shocker. Stu: “She’s completely in love with me and I want to make sure she knows.” No doubt she knows by now considering the way you’ve come on to her. I’m sure she’s no doubt falling head over heels for you. The over-the-top, stalker-like approach is what all chicks are after. Makes them feel very safe and secure. You’ve done a hell of a job, Stewey. Just be sure to tell your prison buddie Jen says “hi”. And don’t drop the soap while you’re in there.
-Jason the Virgin tells Jen his little secret of never having boinked a girl. He’s saving himself for marriage. Jen (to Jason): “I can’t say a lot of men can do that.” Jen (to the camera): “Jason might be a little too stingent for me.” Translation: You think I came on this show to find a husband, only to find out I cant mount him until our wedding night? Please.
-Matt the shy firefighter tries one last ditch effort to steal Jen’s heart. It backfires immensely. He asks her to sign and kiss the ticket to the Knick game so he can have it to remember her by. What? You know this guy is running straight to Ebay with that thing and some sicko will buy it. No doubt. Sign and kiss this ticket? Between Stu the CLB, and Jason the Virgin, you didn’t possibly think it could get any worse. Until….
-Mark shows up. We’ve barely seen this guy at all in two episodes. All I know is that he looks like the lead singer of Smashmouth. Anyway, he gives Jen a charm for a necklace. He wears the same charm around his neck in remembrance of his mother who died. So Jen, being apparently the most important person in this guy’s life having known her a week and all, gets the only other charm made. The dude’s mom died, he had a special charm made, and he gave one to Jen because, well, he wanted to get a rose I guess. I’ve never seen a collection of guys trying so hard to win someone who has no interest in them whatsoever. So when she didn’t choose him, did Smashmouth at least get the charm back? I mean, I’m guessing that’s pretty important to him. Or not, considering he gave it to someone he’s known a week. This show has officially creeped me out.
-Rose Ceremony time. Chris informs us that Jen has only 8 roses to give out, meaning that “almost half of you will be going home”. He hosts the show, he looks like Gonzo, AND he’s a math whiz. He’s Chris Harrison everybody. Give him a round of applause.
Mr. Wendell: She likes him, I think. He’ll be around a while.
Fabreeze: He practically sprinted over to her to give her a hug. And gave her one of the more awkward kisses you’ll ever see. And he’s a complete douchebag.
Ben: “And our 48th President of the United States, Ben Schefft.” Nope. Not gonna work.
Keith: Boring first dates apparently get you roses. She had me fooled. Looked like she had as much fun with him as Kobe would with a black woman.
Ryan (Ca.): The white Ryan. So Mr. Token didn’t last past episode two. What were the odds on that?
Jerry: Well, they showed absolutely zero time spent with him this episode for the most part, which just feeds into the rumor they’re going out of their way to try and make this thing even.
John Paul: I thought he was too young to get married?
-Chris: “Jen…stalkers….this is the final rose of the night. When you’re ready.” So of the remaining guys, Stu the CLB, Matt the “sign and kiss my ticket” guy, Jason the “I’m saving myself for marriage guy”, Mike the “I love spooning my dog at night” roid’ monster, and Mark the “here’s a charm from my dead mother” Smashmouth guy are left. Think they’ll get a rose? Think it’s a coincidence? Neither do I.
Josh: Well, it’s down to eight, but you can immediately eliminate him and Fabreeze. No chance for these two. So that really leaves only six guys with a chance. Even though only one really has a chance.
-Stu is “incredibly bummed. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I’m bummed.” So are we. We wanted to see our first contestant kidnap the star of the show before the season was over. I really hope Stu gets over this someday. Or year.
-Michael: “I don’t think Jen saw the real me. She can keep the teddy bear, but she’s missing out on the real teddy bear.” Yeah, the minute I see the mood swings, the bad acne on the back, and the shrunken testicles, I immediately think “teddy bear” too.
-Jason isn’t sure if his lifestyle choices are what led him to not be given a rose tonight. Let me help you out here a sec, Jason. Yes. That was the reason. Feel better now?
-Next week we get previews of a four-on-four basketball game that wins alone time with Jen. I’m a huge basketball fan so maybe I should know this, but when did they pass a rule that allows tackling in basketball? What the hell were these guys playing? I understand they’re all trying to show off in front of her, but I’m really interested to see if any of these puds has any game whatsoever. I’m guessing not. Until next week….
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