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1.24.05
In over the year I’ve been doing this website, I can only think of one other instance where the column I was writing, didn’t appear the following morning after the show aired. And that was when my website got shut down for a week for god knows what reason. I still don’t know what happened to this day. Anyway, it does seem weird writing this column two days after the show aired, but regardless, at least it gives me this opportunity to let you all in on some breaking news. This hasn’t hit the message boards yet, and as far as I know, “People”, “US Weekly”, and “In Touch” haven’t reported it either. So consider yourself lucky and remember where you heard it first. I have it on good authority that the “Bachelor/ette” series is gonna suffer yet another black eye once it’s revealed that Meredith and Ian have broken up. Just remember, you heard it here first.
-As for Monday’s show, I mean really, what can you say other than “Wow! Fabreeze is gay!” What Spray-N-Wash pulled the other night is so beyond the realm of comprehension, it’s almost impossible to describe. This giant toolbox literally disgraced every European male with that performance. And the fact that it was just glossed over that all the guys call him “Frenchie” I found rather amusing as well. I’ll get to Palmolive when the time is right, but for now, let’s begin.
-Host Chris arrives with a card to invite the guys to Central Park to play basketball. As we saw in the previews, this wasn’t just any other game of basketball. This was more like rugby with your shirts off. Having grown up playing basketball, including having one hell of a high school career (in my standards), and a futile attempt at college ball, I think I can recognize good talent when I see it. So I’ll be honest with you. Those eight tards trying to impress Jen by shooting baskets was just about the funniest goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. You may have missed this, but I think the most telling part of that game was when all eight guys were dropped off at the park on the short, yellow bus. Definitely was a sign of things to come. Oh boy.
-Jen: “I don’t know who’s good, but there’s definitely a few I have my eye on.” Gee, and who would that be? I was guessing Josh the Marathon Virgin. I mean, has anyone ever played basketball as gracefully as him as he runs up and down the court combing his hair the minute it gets out of place? Very well done. The object of this game was that someone from the winning team got a 1-on-1 date, and the losers would get the group date. Fair enough. Until you actually watched these meatheads go at it, and you realized, “I don’t think anyone deserves alone time with her based on this performance.”
-Somehow, Host Chris has already drawn from a hat who the captains will be. And what do you know, it’s Jerry and Clorox. Clorox has the first pick and they alternate from there. Clorox’s team consists of Ryan, John Paul, and Ben. Jerry’s team is Wendell, Josh, and last but not least, Keith. I’m sure Keith being the ripe old age of 28, must’ve felt real good about himself being picked last. That’s not too depressing. I was never picked last. Except in the smart, classroom games where my C+ average really stood out. I wasn’t really a good student. I know. Stunning. I just didn’t apply myself. Probably has a lot to do with me wasting my time writing a reality TV column every week and not getting paid for it.
-Jerry’s team is skins, and Mr. Clean’s team is shirts. Jen gets to see Jerry, Wendell, Josh, and Keith with their shirts off, and I think this made her drool a couple times. Except for Keith. An inordinate amount of tattoos this guy sported, none of which I really understood. And apparently Jen doesn’t think much of guys with their shirts off considering her two eliminations were both from Jerry’s team. So having your shirt off with a lot of tats is a turnoff, as is having your shirt off, being a virgin, and having a hair style similar to Eddie Munster.
-You all saw the game. Describing it wouldn’t do it justice. Okay, maybe it will. All eight of them couldn't throw a pea into the ocean if they were standing on the shores of the Atlantic. Yes, they were that good. And some guys played in sweatpants. In pickup basketball, there’s really only two rules you need to live by. Rule #1 – never pick a guy wearing jeans. Kinda takes away from his mobility. When you’re cajones aren’t able to breathe, you’re probably not gonna be too swift on the court. Rule #2 – never pick a guy in sweat pants. Last time I turned on an NBA game, or a college game for that matter, I don’t remember seeing Kobe in sweat pants. Boys, the sun is out. You play basketball in shorts. Quit wearing sweats. I mean, it’s not that uncommon to see guys wear them during the game, you just shouldn't. Just know if you pick that guy, your team will lose.
-So one hell of a barn burner the game turned out to be. Two teams fighting it out for a chance to get alone time with Jen, and Tide’s team won 15-1. Way to go Jerry. Way to fire up the troops before the big game. Some team captain you are. What a c***blocker. This guy knows he’s a shoe-in for the final two, so he probably sabotaged the game so none of the boys on his team got alone time. And with the job title “Art Gallery Director”, there’s no doubt his skills were poor to begin with. From doorman at Harry Winston to Art Gallery Director. This guy’s goin’ places. Or how about “Reality Show Whore”? That might fit better.
-So Host Chris says that off the winning team, the highest scorer AND the lowest scorer would get the two 1-on-1 dates. The highest scorer with 6 points was none other than John Paul. And our lowest scorer, probably not the first time he’s been referred to as that, with 2 points was Woolite. So 409 is definitely fired up he gets some alone time now. Pledge: “I’m gonna show her I’m a romantic, fun guy.” You do that like only you can, Ajax. This guy’s been saying for three weeks now how romantic French guys were, and that he was gonna show her. If that’s the case, I’m moving to Paris as soon as possible. That’s what I’d have to compete against? I might get laid every night.
-Jen: “The basketball game didn’t quite turn out the way I had hoped for. I was hoping Ryan or Ben would win.” Well, technically they did win since they were on the winning team, yet, they got hosed and ended up on the group date. Couldn’t they have filed a complaint about this? Once again, Jen seems disappointed with the way this show is going? Has she been happy since the filming began? I mean, she honestly looks like she’s not having a good time with this show. And who can blame her when the producers are forcing her to keep smelly Frenchmen around so people can keep talking about it. Jen is the most attractive of the three Bachelorettes they’ve had, yet, her show has sucked the most because, well, she’s not the least bit enjoying herself. Somebody slap her. Wake her up. Tell her she’s on television. Something, anything to get her to loosen up and start grabbing the guy’s packages. Ok, that went a little too far. But seriously. Someone spike her drink or something because god I’m bored. With her.
-Commercial. I had heard about this briefly before, but once I saw it confirmed on the news, it was then that I almost dropped my pants. Debbie Gibson, that of “Electric Youth” and “Shake Your Love” fame, will be in the March issue of “Playboy”. Last year, Tiffany was on the cover, now next month, Debbie Gibson? Who’s next? Ace of Base? Cyndi Lauper? And doesn’t she refer to herself now as “Deborah” instead of “Debbie”? Well, whatever she calls herself, she should add “whore” to that list. Good career move, Deb. Haven’t had a hit single in 15 years, want to promote your new album? How about showing up in a magazine in your birthday suit. And before you ask, yes, I’ll definitely be checking out March’s issue of Playboy for the articles.
-So Jen and Fabreeze’s date is up first. They go downtown to the Cotton Club, that’s famous jazz spot or something. Immediately, Comet starts in with his lines, “I want to show her my romantic side and hopefully steal the first kiss”. I don’t think he could’ve used a better word than what he did. “Steal” doesn’t even begin to describe it. So these two lovebirds sit down and Vanessa Williams serenades them with “Save the Best for Last” or one of her other bad songs. Wow. How the mighty have fallen. Two years ago she’s married to Rick Fox, they have a baby, she’s in a bunch of commercials, and the Playboy/lesbian scandal is behind her. Now she’s performing in front of a whopping two people on cheesy reality dating show. Ouch. That had to hurt. At what point do you swallow your pride and say, “Nah, I think I’ll pass?” It doesn’t bode well for the rest of us guys when Rick Fox cheats on a former Miss USA. Or was it Miss America? But in his defense, he is an NBA player. So that has to count for something. You can’t be an NBA player and not cheat. It’s part of your contract. They all do. Of course it doesn’t make it right, but they do, and every woman who ever gets involved with one knows exactly what they’re getting into. And if she’s naïve enough to go into it thinking, “Well, mine doesn’t”, she’s an idiot. They ALL do. Except Doug Christie, now currently of the Orlando Magic. It’s tough for him to actually cheat on his wife with another woman considering he has a vagina.
-Back at the house, all the guys are making fun of Fabreeze calling him “Frenchie”. Josh even says he told him that someday he thought he would get a divorce. Not that I’m surprised “Frenchie” would say that, but it just adds to the fact that, “Why is he still here?” Comedic value? Check. Cheesy lines? Check. His bad Euro demeanor? Check. Ok, guess that answers that. This clown really should just spin off this appearance on the “Bachelorette” and get his own show. What I wouldn’t pay to see this pud have all of his dates with American women filmed by cameras? You could probably book him for an Emmy after that.
-Jerry: “Frenchie and Jen together makes me sick to my stomach.” How about, “Frenchie and any living, breathing, walking, talking female makes me sick to my stomach”. I think that would’ve been more appropriate. Call me crazy, but I don’t think any of the guys think Frenchie belongs on the show. Especially Jerry. He will just have none of that. He’s there for all the right reasons. And that being that things with Lori from the “Real World” didn’t work out, and neither did things with the chick from “Big Brother 3”. But dammit, this time, it’s real. He’s like the Ethan Zohn of the “Bachelor”. Just making his rounds with all the reality tv women. When this doesn’t work out with Jen, I’m sure he’ll be giving Meredith a call.
-Back to the date with Jen and Shout. Jen asks him what he’s looking for and immediately out come the cheesy lines. Bon Ami: “I want to love, and be loved. I want to have children, yada, yada, yada….” This must be killing his boyfriend to see him opening up to a woman like this for all to see. Downey says he had a girlfriend for two years back in the day that he thought he was going to marry. But she dumped him, and now he’s wanted to fall in love ever since. Then he started crying because apparently relationships that ended two years ago make him sad. Either that, or he thought that’d be an easy lead-in to the most uncomfortable hug and kiss in history. I actually had to rewind my TiVo for a second to make sure I was actually witnessing this. Yep. He started rolling his tongue around while her mouth was closed. No doubt, this episode is definitely going under the “Keep Until I Delete” portion of TiVo. And it may never get deleted. I’ll be throwing a viewing party next week if anyone wants to watch this over and over again. And the look Jen gave the camera when hugging him was priceless. In case you didn’t see it, it was basically a “Holy sh**! What the hell just happened? I think I was just raped by a Frenchman’s tongue” look.
-Commercial. Thank God. You HAD to cut to commercial after that. Too much steamy kissing and hugging scenes and ABC could be in violation of FCC regulations. I don’t even quite remember what commercial ran. Something about “Super Nanny” I think. I saw clips from one of the shows that aired, and let me tell ya’, there are some f***ed up kids out there. Either they have something emotionally wrong with them, or their parents did a horrible job raising them, and are now paying the price by having to hire some overweight Mary Poppins with a bad accent to help them out. Lord, please make my kids normal someday.
-Next up is her date with John Paul. They’re going on a helicopter ride through the city and will eventually end up in a spa. Glad Jen dressed for the occasion. I think she’s in sweats. Sucks for J.P. He actually dressed like he was interested in the other person. Man, that Jen is one tough cookie. She’s a little nervous about this date with J.P. because a) she doesn’t even want to be there with him, and b) this was the same first date that she and Andrew had. “Memories, like the corners of my mind…..scattered pictures…..of the way we were…..” Those are the only words I know. That shouldn’t be too hard for J.P. to overcome. I mean, she was only engaged to the guy for nine months before she realized what a boozing, skirt chaser he was. J.P. should have no problem erasing him from her memory.
-So they arrive at the Mohegan Sun Resort and J.P. begins telling her about how much money he makes, what his company does, how he’s only 25, and how he looks like someday he’ll weigh about 350 pounds. J.P.’s a big boy. Almost too big for her. But yet, she seems very intrigued by him during their massages together. Jen: “We were able to flirt without him coming on too strong.” You mean to say he’s doing a better job than Windex did? He’s not trying to clean your teeth when you’re mouth isn’t open? What a great guy. What manners. Imagine if all guys acted like that. The world would be a much better place.
-J.P. and Jen then head to the jacuzzi where we get our first shot of Jen in her bikini. Yowza. I’m sure J.P. was glad he was underwater this whole time. I think Jen had on a push-up bikini top because you could’ve rested a small child on that cleavage. Which isn’t a bad thing at all, I’m just saying. I love it when women wear sexy outfits showing nothing but cleavage, then have the nerve to think guys are pigs when they glance at them. I’ve never understood that. The whole reason you’re pushing your breasts up to right below your chin is to draw attention to yourself. So why would you get mad at us for looking? Put it this way: Consider it a compliment that he’s checking you out, because if he wasn’t, it probably means he’s going home to assume the position and bite his pillows.
-J.P. summed up his date the best he could. J.P.: “Being semi-naked with Jen was fun for me.” Yeah, tell us something we didn’t know. I’m sure half the men in America were watching that on Monday with the sound and their pants down. Yet you couldn’t muster up enough sack to grope her in the jacuzzi. You might’ve blown your chance there, pal. Among other things. If Jen in a jacuzzi half-naked doesn’t get you to make a move, what exactly will?
-So the group date begins and all the boys and Jen head to Central Park to throw around the football. This date consists of Jerry and the other five guys she doesn’t give a crap about. They start off with the guys throwing the football around to show off. This was great. Kinda reminded me when you’re a kid, and you’re playing football with your friends, and there’s always that guy you didn’t want playing, so you’d be like, “Dude, go long. I’ll throw you a bomb”. And then when he’s about 100 yards away you don’t throw him the ball and just laugh. Same thing here, pretty much. The guys were like, “Go long…..keep going….keep going…..So Jen, let me talk to you”. Very slick. I can’t believe some of the other guys actually fell for this. Jen even actually took the time to show off her throwing arm and maybe launched that thing about three yards. An athlete she’s not.
-The first guy to pull her aside was Josh. There’s something I haven’t mentioned about Josh. Yes, we know he’s a virgin. But if you ever want an explanation for why he leads the life he does, just to go his website, www.joshcox.com. Or it might be www.joshcox.net. How ironic is it that this virgin’s last name is Cox? Anyway, his intro page, which pales in comparison to mine (although I do need to update those pictures. I can’t believe I still have “Joe Millionaire” and “Jailbait” from FLOM on there. Hell, even Meredith is still on there), tells us about how he was at the mall someday, and saw a 70 year old couple on the escalator holding hands and thought to himself, “that’s what I want my marriage to be like when I’m that old”. How does he know they were holding hands out of love? Maybe they were just holding each other up so they didn’t fall? Congrats Josh. If getting to hold hands with your wife when you’re 70 years old is what you’re looking forward to most in marriage, may God have mercy on the future Mrs. Cox. Because apparently, she’ll be getting none of yours.
-So Ryan pulls the oldest trick in the book to steal Jen away from Josh. He has one of the other guys, probably the cameraman, throw the football so the ball lands right next to Jen and almost hits her in the head. Very smooth. Was almost like when Peter threw the ball and hit Marcia in the nose. Or was it Greg? I think one of the funniest things about the Brady Bunch was how Greg was banging Marcia and his mom off camera. I know, I know. He only claims to have gone out on one date with Florence Henderson, but we all know better. I mean, those bell bottoms and butterfly collared shirt must’ve had Mrs. Brady all hot and bothered after a while. You know she jumped him. Hell, she sure wasn’t getting any from Mike Brady. He was playing hide the sausage behind the whole cast’s back. Where was I?
-Keith’s turn to be with Jen and he pretty much sealed whatever fate he had by not being very interesting. Maybe he talked about the origin of his tattoos too much, maybe he talked about his uncanny resemblance to “that frat guy” from college. Whatever it was, Jen apparently was not impressed. And apparently to get a rose from Jen, you really need to make her feel uncomfortable, give her an awkward hug, and try to molest her face with your tongue while she looks into the camera in a plea for help.
-It’s now Jerry’s turn to play the role of Rico Suave, so he takes Jen out on a little boat. Jen: “I like to fidget. I fidget when I’m nervous.” Jen also says Jerry makes her feel like a schoolgirl again, and that she’s really worried about impressing him. The next scene, they pan to them on the boat, and they’re playing tonsil hockey. I guess she’s not worried anymore. She’s back to being a schoolgirl now. I don’t know if ABC did a real good job this episode hiding exactly who Jen was after. It’s like she knew the minute their date was on a boat, she’d be able to get away from the other guys and do what she’s been wanting to do all along. Once Jerry wins this thing, I think the odds in Vegas should immediately be posted on how many months these two last. I say maybe two. Three at the most. She’ll see right through this guy, if she hasn’t already. I’m guessing she’s not the first one he’s taken on a boat in New York City and fed those lines to.
-Wendell had her next and they basically sat there, talked, smiled, exchanged pleasantries, and that was it. Nothing too great, nothing too bad. But after Jerry’s date, she wasn’t about to just hop on another guy right away. Give her time. She’s not ready to give out pity tongue just yet. She’s gotta at least pretend she likes the others so not to throw us off.
-Before the Rose Ceremony, each guy gets to pull her aside for one last plea to give them a rose, and they all line up for that once chance to be that guy who finishes in 2nd place this year. Up first is Ben and he starts asking in immediately how she dealt with Andrew dating all those other women. “I’m old fashioned. I just want you all to myself.” Great. More questions about Andrew. Regardless of who she picks this season, why do I get the feeling that Jen will always be linked to Andrew? Call me crazy.
-They cut away to Jerry and Cascade and they’re having an interesting conversation. Jerry tells him there’s three things in a relationship that make it work, “You, me, and us.” Wow. This guy has all his lines down pat. He did a hell of a job before the season started to make sure he didn’t flub any of these. And right on cue, too. Lysol comes back with, “I don’t see you with Jen.” To which Jerry responds, “I hope so.” Basically in essence saying, “Good, you loser. You have no clue what’s going on then. I just mauled her on the boat while you guys were playing grab ass in the park. And you smell.” However, Jerry did get off the best line of the night when he said, “Does he charm every girl like this?”
-So as the guys are standing around, they ask Wisk to make a prediction on who’s going home tonight. Sea Breeze says it’ll be Ryan and Josh. Well, one for two isn’t bad. That’s .500. He’s currently hitting .000 with Jen after that failed rape attempt. Or whatever you’d like to call it. So now it’s Tilex’s turn to charm the socks off Jen one last time. He pulls her aside and immediately tells her, “You’re acting distant.” Her? With you? C’mon, pal. She’s just getting warmed up to you. Work that charm a little harder. I mean, look what a connection you had last time you were together. You’re right there with her man. Take a chance. Just whip out your junk right there and see how she reacts. C’mon, you can do it. Instead, he goes a different route and decides to play the role of mole and give his opinion on the other guys….
Keith- “I like Keith. I don’t think he feels comfortable here.” Good one. Probably because of you. Most of these guys probably haven’t had to share a pad with Euro trash like yourself before.
Ryan- “Ryan’s a nice guy.” Great assesment there, buddy. Sure to score you more points with her. I’m telling you, you’re close man. Your moments away from her dropping her panties right in front of you.
Jerry- “I think Jerry likes to win. He shouldn’t be here.” Awwwwwwww!!!!!!! You blew it. That’s her man! You can’t say that about him. Now you get nothing. You’ve completely blown any chance you had with her now. Man, and you were so close too. Just think, Pinesol. One more sweet nothing into her ear and you guys would’ve been nine months away from your first child.
-Something really bothered me on this final mingling session to win Jen’s heart. J.P. had a suit on with no socks. You get that a lot here in L.A. The sock-less look has got to go. Who does this other than self-absorbed, well-to-do, yuppies with tons of money? You’re right. Nobody. Excpet J.P. apparently. Horrible look for you, dude. Stop it.
-Commercial. Some special on ABC coming up is gonna be on Celebrity Weddings. Gee, I wonder which one they’ll focus on the most. I’m sure Planet Star Jones has already written into her contract that show focuses on her. I don’t know what the appeal behind this pig is, but it needs to stop. Since when is leading your man around on a leash considered interesting television. There’s no way that dude wants her. That’s gotta be some arranged marriage or something. Those two just don’t look right together. Then again, her and anyone don’t look right together. But everyone seems pretty fixated on her and her 400 lbs of flesh that it gets stuffed down our throat as much as possible. I’ll never understand it.
-Host Chris: “There are six roses, so two of you will be going home.” Hmmmm….Six from eight equals two? Since when? This guy’s good. And isn’t it pretty amazing that they’ve completely done away with the deliberation room and the video messages? I used to get a kick out of those things. At least it gave them all one final chance at embarrassing themselves before the rose ceremony. And the “pick me!” photos are pretty much done with too. Who decided this? Can we bring it back for season #10? Can you believe that? The next “Bachelor” will be the 10th different one they’ve had? And I’ve written about all of them except the first two seasons. I don’t know what’s more pathetic.
-Time to hand out the roses. Who will be the lucky six? Will Josh get to fulfill his dream of holding Jen’s hand on the Robinson’s-May escalator fifty years from now? Will J.P. get Jen half-naked again and do d**k with her? Will Keith continue to be a complete boob? Will Jerry start picking out engagement rings next week? Will Glade have a chance to redeem himself next week? It’s all very exciting…
John Paul: I guess she likes the no-sock look. Can’t say I do.
Jerry: I think their tongues will interact a few more times before this season ends. As will other things, I’m sure.
Ryan: We honestly haven’t really heard much from this guy, but he seems to be a lot of people’s dark horse candidate. Great. Second just means you’re the first loser.
Wendell: Mr. Nice Guy. No reason really to keep him. No reason to really let him go. Kinda just there.
Ben: The old fashioned guy. Maybe she’ll give him and old fashioned exit next week when he doesn’t make the Final Four.
-Host Chris: “Heterosexual men, and you Fabrice…..this is the final tonight. When you’re ready.” First time in a while he didn’t inform Jen as well that she only had one rose left, even though she has a giant food platter in front of her and there’s only one red rose on a stem sitting there. Maybe Chris is catching on.
Simple Green: Whoa. This made no sense whatsoever. The girl admitted she felt uncomfortable with the guy and they had the worst on screen kiss in the history television. Were Keith’s tattoos THAT scary you couldn’t keep him another week? Did she accidentally stumble upon JoshCox.com? Some fishy is going on here, and I’m sure next week we get to the bottom of this. Cheer: “Jen is playing games with me. I know she likes me. And I thought it was bullsh** she waited to give me the final rose.” This guy is a real piece of work. Is he serious with this nonsense? He’s almost becoming so over-the-top ridiculous, that it’s not even funny anymore. So next week is where he has his big announcement, huh? I have no idea what this announcement is, but I tell ya’, I can’t wait to find out. I’m crossing my fingers and praying this guy likes rainbows. We’ll see.
-Keith isn’t too thrilled he’s going home. “She has no idea who I am. If she didn’t get to see me for who I am, that’s her loss.” Maybe it had something to do with the fact that 5:00 shadow you had going was a huge turn off. Could you possibly have mixed in a razor before coming on the show? Would that have been asking a too much?
-Next week, they throw these guys into the middle of an “Amazing Race” episode and they have to find their way to the top of the Empire State Building to get a date with Jen. Who’s naked. Well, only for Jerry. The other guys gets like a handshake and maybe a peck on the cheek. This show is becoming very unfair. Until then, and I promise the column will be back on Tuesday in it’s regularly scheduled form. See ya….
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