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1.31.05
If I ever thought that last week’s “announcement” of Meredith and Ian breaking up would cause such an uproar, I might’ve thought twice about bringing anything up. A week later, I have nothing new to report. There hasn’t been any public announcements, people have tried to dig up as much as they can on the situation, and there are some who are saying their engagement is still on and they are set to be married this summer. To that, all I’m going to say is this: I still stand behind my sources. When it finally becomes official, whenever that may be, you’ll remember exactly who said it first, and there’s an outside chance you may view me as somewhat of a semi-god. If they end up getting married, I’ll basically become this no-life hack who you think probably made the whole thing up and I’ll crawl up into the fetal position. There’s always that possibility. Whatever the case, stay tuned, and just remember where you heard it first. Let the column begin, for I have spoken….
-As the show starts, Host Chris (whom I read something very interesting about which we’ll get to later), says there will be two one-on-one dates, and a group date this week. The two one-on-one’s will go to the gentleman who write the best love letter to Jen explaining why they’d be the best husband for her. There’s a catch though: They can’t sign their name to it, or give any clue in the letter to who is writing it. Like, for instance, Fabreeze would not be allowed to slip anything in his letter about loafers, or the opera, and is forbidden to mention anything regarding biting his pillows. Jerry had to avoid any “Real World” or “Big Brother” references, in addition to not being able to talk about their hour long make out session in a boat. So you get my point. Don’t tip yourself off to Jen, or you’d be disqualified from a one-on-one date, kicked off the show, and sent to prison for six months where you’d no doubt find your next life partner. It was that serious. Don’t mess with ABC. Or so they made it seem. Please. They honestly had to tell the guys not to sign their letter? Yeah, no sh**, Sherlock. Thanks for the heads up.
-Ben immediately was excited about this opportunity to land a one-on-one date with Jen because he figured this played into his strength: writing anonymous letters to women about why he should be their husband. Ben is a ski instructor, so I’m still scratching my head as to why he thought this played to his strength. Don’t get me wrong, Ben seems like a very intelligent guy who’s capable of concocting one of the best B.S. letters known to man about becoming Jen’s husband someday. I just wish I could’ve heard a little snippet of what he wrote. Probably went something along the lines of, “I like you Jen. I like you a lot. Someday, I would want to be your husband. We would live happily ever after and makes lots of babies together. Please pick me. The guy who’s the ski instructor and the only one left you haven’t had a one-on-one date with. My time is running out. I want to be Mr. Ben Schefft. Pick me so we could hear the countless “Ben & Jen” references. The End.” I bet I’m not that far off.
-As for a couple of the other guys, Wendell said he started writing stuff down quickly to get as many thoughts out as he could, whereas Jerry took the opposite approach saying he had a hard time expressing himself and wasn’t much of a writer. Remember, Jerry’s a former Harry Winston doorman, who’s been upgraded to “Art Gallery Director”. Writing love letters apparently has never been his forte. Lori from “Real World” pretty much stalked him, so there was no need to try and woo her, and the chick from “Big Brother”, well, I don’t know anything about her, but I’m guessing Jerry didn’t go Ryan Sutter on her either. Jerry pretty much comes across as the kind of guy that uses his looks to get by over his brains. Call me crazy. As for Wendell, well, she didn’t pick his letter so I guess scribbling random thoughts on a piece of paper wasn’t the way to go. But there couldn’t be any less sexual chemistry between he and Jen if he tried. Judging by the looks of it, I don’t think Jen could ever see Wendell on top of her. Or her on top of him. Or him behind her. However she prefers it.
-So when these Shakespeare wannabe’s crafted their masterpieces, Jen finally ended up choosing her two: Ryan and Jerry. Gee, what a coincidence? The two guys…forget it. Anyway, she really liked Ryan’s so he got the first one-on-one date. He talked about “life’s hurdles” and “growing through it” and a bunch of other mushy gushy things that he’ll never utter again once they get married. But it was good enough for the time being. Except to Clorox. He thought Ryan’s letter was “so cliché and stupid.” Don’t even get me started yet, Froggy. You had your episode last week. Let the other guys have their chance this week. Remember, you have a “big announcement” forthcoming, so get ready preparing for that. Scrub your face, put cucumbers on your eyes, do your nails, do whatever it is you need to do to get ready for your “announcement that will shock Jen” and none of us. We’re all waiting in anticipation. And I think you’re a slimy Euro who likes dudes.
-Jen’s date with Ryan took them to a New York fire station where they got to ride around on a fire truck and I guess pretend to be firemen. Looked real fun. I think we took a field trip to a fire station when I was in third grade. Some date this was. Anyway, the part of their conversation we got hear had Jen asking Ryan when and how many kids he planned on having. Whoa there. First date, and we’re talking about kids? Well, I mean, if you’re driving a 100 mph down the street with the red lights going off and you’re dressed in giant parkas ready to put out fires, what better way to bring up that topic. Seemed appropriate. Ryan says he doesn’t want to be super old when he has kids, that he doesn’t want to have them right now, but that he’d rather have them sooner than later. Uhhhh, ok. So you basically couldn’t think of the answer she wanted to hear quick enough and just blurted out the first three things that came to your mind? Got it. I have no idea if Ryan likes kids, if he wants kids, or if he thinks children are the devil. That answer sucked.
-Back at the house, the second letter that Jen chose arrived, and Mr. Clean reads it to the rest of them. It was Jerry’s dribble that apparently won her over. It said something like, “you entering my life is the greatest thing that’s happened to me….growing old together is something I’ve always dreamed of….if this doesn’t work out, I could always go on “Elimidate” and find my next future wife…my reality TV resume is really beginning to build up and can lead to a guest spot on “The Parkers” if I play my cards right…and I want you to share it with me…” Or something like that. I don’t really remember exactly what it said only for the sole reason that 409 was the one reading it back to him, he was down on one knee while he was doing it, and had on a shirt that resembled the pirate shirt Seinfeld was wearing in that infamous episode. Let’s just say Pledge is doing absolutely nothing whatsoever to quell these rumors about him.
-Back to Ryan and Jen’s date where they head back to her loft for some hanky panky. Why else would the date end up back there? For her to show him her shoe collection? Maybe so they can exchange recipes? No. It’s for them to give us Jen in a bikini again and for Ryan to pitch a tent in the jacuzzi. But before all that stuff begins, Ryan asks why Jen chose his letter. Well, she said she liked the part about a “romantic partner and friendship”, she said she liked how he talked about family, and she was also impressed when he talked about his schlong. I mean really. Why else would she choose it? And isn’t that grounds for disqualification. Jen said she had a feeling Ryan was the one who wrote the letter she chose. How? I thought there were no clues involved? Someone might want to investigate this as soon as possible before somebody gets killed.
-Jen: “I wasn’t ready for Ryan to leave yet.” Translation: It’s time to get half naked and jump in the hot tub because I’m horny right now. Jen: “Ryan always has me smiling. I’m totally myself when I’m around him, and I find myself definitely attracted to him.” It’s official. Ryan’s our winner. Up until this point, they’ve made it seem way too obvious that Jerry was the #1 guy, but that was to throw us all off. Her immediate attraction from the beginning was with Ryan, which is why they rarely showed him with her. Jen also said in her press tour before this season even started that she immediately was attracted to someone from the very beginning, but, she didn’t know if he liked her, and kept asking Host Chris off-camera, “I wonder if he likes me?”. That obviously wasn’t Jerry, since Jerry picked her up and carried her down the steps on the first night. Why would she say that about him? Considering her and Wendell have no physical chemistry, and John Paul is a giant boob who doesn’t like to wear socks, I’m pretty much changing my mind and guaranteeing Ryan is your winner. I’d be shocked if he wasn’t. I haven’t heard anything, I’m not giving anything away, but it’s just my personal opinion I just happen to be giving with three episodes still left. But I’m not wrong either. You can’t convince me it’s anyone else. Jerry is a fraud and she’ll see right through him. And the amount of lip locking these two did in the hot tub helps my case.
-Commercial. “Shall We Dance” with Richard Gere and a couple other people is coming to DVD soon. I never saw it. Looks like a chick flick to me. Whatever happened to the “Richard Gere likes gerbils inside of him” rumors? Can someone start those up again? I could really care less if it’s true or not, I just think it’s hilarious. Let’s just pretend by some grace of God, someone completely made that up and it’s not true. My question is, who’s the genius who actually thought of it in the first place and how much time do they have on their hands? Richard Gere likes sticking gerbils inside of him? You could give me weeks and I couldn’t come up with something like that. And how come no one has ever questioned Richard on this in an interview. Seems like it would really get to the bottom of things if he would just answer the question. Not that anyone would actually admit to that even if it were true, but still. A gerbil? I honestly want to write a documentary on the person’s life who came up with that.
-Jerry’s date is up next and Jen is excited. Jen: “I really wanted to go on a date with Jerry.” So maybe Jerry did throw in a “Real World” reference in his letter. She really seemed to pick exactly the two guys she wanted to go out on dates with by just “random” love letters. Coincidence? I think not. And considering Jerry pretty much even admitted as much that his letter sucked, makes me think something fishy was going on. So their date is at the Jazz Lincoln Center. So why does Jerry get the more romantic setting, whereas Ryan gets to ride around on fire trucks with lights flashing? How fair is that? All the more reason to stack the deck against Ryan and make him the underdog. I see how their doing it. Hope you’re starting to see the light as well.
-Jerry: “I like you. I’m single, I’m available, but I’m not desperate.” I wonder what Lori thinks of that. Or even our friend from “Big Brother”. Not desperate? Sure about that? Trying your love for the third time with someone from a reality show isn’t complete and utter desperation? Last time I checked it was. I think Jerry is losing points more and more as the show goes on. Good looks can only get you so far in life, my friend. At some point, you may have to have an ounce of intelligence to get in Jen’s pants. And you may not want to have such a storied past with reality TV contestants. Or work in as an art gallery director. Or cheat on your love letter to get a one-on-one date. That’s not good.
-The romance continues with these two as they flirt with each other (“I”ve been flirting with you since day one”, “You’re flirting with me?”, “I have a high school crush on you…” I vomited my Domino’s pizza up right there), and as they’re sitting at dinner, the curtains are drawn and everyone’s favorite singer and piano man Peter ????? shows up to play. For a second, I thought they said it was Peter Cetera. But it wasn’t. I would’ve started balling if he sang “Glory of Love” to them. Anything that’ll bring me back to that fateful night where Daniel first kissed Kumiko in “Karate Kid II”, I just lose it. So touching. I don’t know where those two ever went wrong. Oh yeah, she lived in Okinawa and he lived in the states. And he was a complete dweeb who’s best friend was a 60 year old asian man who once fixed his bike. Now it all makes sense.
-Jerry: “This was the best first date ever. I hope this is the last 1st date I ever have.” Awwwww…how sweet. Why do I have a feeling it won’t be? I’m guessing there will be numerous first dates this horn dog still has left to get out of his system. Probably has one lined up with Amy from “Apprentice” next week. Possibly could maybe try and arrange one with Heidi from “Survivor: Amazon”. Hey, I bet if you tried real hard, maybe you could go back to your roots and try and pull Sarah from this current season of “Real World”. I’m guessing after getting rejected by three guys in Fiji, she’s really on the prowl. And with your resume, it’s a shoe in. Just be sure to strap on about three or four of those things. I don’t think that chick’s met a penis she didn’t like. Don’t catch anything.
-Time for the group date with the four remaining sacrificial lambs. They’re headed to Little Italy to make pizzas. I think it was at this point where I officially determined the “Bachelor/ette” series should never return to New York. I can’t think of one good thing having this series in New York has added to the show. Ben’s a bright guy, Ben’s an intelligent guy, and Ben’s trying to do what he can to steal any alone time with Jen that he can. However, he and that pud John Paul have to share their time with her making pizzas. Kinda hard to bring someone home to your family next week when you’ve literally spent 10 minutes total with them. And the Pope standing around and c**k blocking you isn’t helping matters. Go away, John Paul. Go out in the front and keep Fabreeze happy. Ben’s trying to make his move here and you’re in his way. Get out of there and leave them alone. I think Wendell needs someone to play grab ass with.
-Jen pulls Tide aside for god knows what reason. Probably to tell him he smells and that soap shouldn’t be such a foreign concept to him. She basically tells him she’s knows this process is hard but to keep an open mind about everything. Jen: “I just can’t figure Fabreeze out. I have no idea what to expect from him, but whatever it is, it won’t be boring.” Yeah, I’m guessing they made her add that line in after the show ended. Please. A little too much forshadowing there. This episode made it all the more blatant that last week was fixed. Why would she possibly have kept Palmolive around an extra week knowing she had nothing in common with the guy and their wasn’t a chance in hell he’d make it to the final four. That’s right you heard me. The show’s fixed. Maybe it isn’t “reality TV” after all. Yeah, that’s it. Maybe we’re watching scenes that aren’t necessarily “scripted”, but definitely there’s more than meets the eye. Yeah. I’m smart. I think I’m on to something here. I figured this out all by myself.
-As they’re sitting around eating their bad pizza, Host Chris walks in. I think he wants a slice. Of Jen. No, kidding. He’s married. With kids. And he’s fun at parties. Anyway, he has an announcement. The first guy to reach the top of the Empire State Building, gets alone time with Jen. But they must leave their wallets with him and find a creative way to get there. Fabreeze and Ben don’t even have their wallets on them. No surprise these two puds were the ones who aren’t around anymore. So from the “Bachelorette”, the show turns into the “Amazing Race” and Chris Probst starts the competition with “Go!” I don’t think he quite had the hand gesture that Probst has perfected, but it was damn close. And I don’t think he’s banging the same quality hottie that Probst is now, but nonetheless, we still love our Host Chris. Don’t worry, someday Probst will give up “Survivor” and you can apply.
-Each guy is running around New York like a chicken with their head cut off trying to find a way to the Empire State Building. Well, three of the guys anyway. Sea Breeze is apparently too good for this competition and decides to just walk home. Basically, Fabreeze is just one big skirt. Go home, loser. Like you could’ve possibly ever found your way to the Empire State Building. I would’ve loved to have seen you try. This show would probably still be filming if you had. Anyway, back to our real competitors, Wendell has apparently found the easiest way to get there. Bribe a cabbie that he’ll send $300 dollars to him at a later date. Huh? This was allowed? Why would I not be surprised at all if that cabbie is still waiting by his mailbox for that check? $300 for a cab ride to the Empire State Building? It was that important to you for Jen to meet your parents and then just dump you either this week or next? Really? I guess everyone has their price at some point. And Jen is worth $300 to Wendell for a hug goodnight. Spend that $300 wisely somewhere else Wendell, and I’m guessing you’ll get more than a hug goodnight. “Scores” is right down the street.
-Commercial. Do you know there are only five episodes left of “NYPD Blue” and I have never seen one of them? This show’s been on, what, eleven, twelve years now? And not once have I tuned in to see Dennis Franz’ butt. I think the best part about this show, although I’ve never seen it, is that they added Zach Morris to the cast. Anytime a show is throwing around ideas, and the director says, “We need to get Mark Paul Gosslear on the horn now!”, you know you’re in trouble. I mean, he’s one of the finest actors of our time, don’t get me wrong, but is he really deserving of NYPD Blue status? Just a couple years ago, he, Screech, and Slater were holding a slumber party while Slater’s parents were away and re-enacting the scene from “Risky Business”. Now he’s fighting crime in the streets of New York? Personally, I liked it when he intervened with Jesse’s caffeine pill addiction. That was a moving episode. Some of his best work. But you can’t hold Zach Morris down for long. I’m glad someone gave him a new gig. Now he only has five episodes left before fading into oblivion again. We’ll never forget you, Zach.
-Jen can’t wait to see who arrives first at the Empire State Building. Jen: “I’m so excited. Four guys in a race to meet me at the top of the Empire State Building? That’s like in the movies.” Really? What movie was that in? I must’ve missed it. I remember King Kong climbed it, but he didn’t race anybody there. And the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man almost destroyed it. But he didn’t race anyone there, either. Jen’s a little over zealous about four guys who have no chance of winning this thing meeting her there the quickest. But we’re all getting a kick out of it. Wendell’s already blown $300. Ben’s whole television life depends on this race. And Fabreeze is walking home to be with the other men for the night. Makes sense.
-So it’s getting close, although by the editing, we have no idea who’s in 1st, 2nd, or 3rd at this point. They show all three of them running into the bottom of the Empire State Building in three straight scenes. Then they show Ben and the Pope getting into the elevator and Wendell running the stairs. So Wendell ran the stairs to the top of the building? Uhhhh, I’m guessing not. What was that? Unless he’s a superhero in disguise, I don’t think that’s possible. But he wins. And Jen’s impressed. Jen: “Wendell’s determined, resourceful, and he wanted to do it and win.” Gee, a little harsh on the Pope and Ben, aren’t we? They tried too. And they didn’t even bribe anyone with money to get there. Ben ran his little 110 lb ass around New York finding any way he could to get there and meet you. As for the Pope, he was officially eliminated from this show tonight, when, for 60 minutes, we never heard one quote from him. I’m sorry, I bet if you go back to any episode from any season, you will never find a winner who went a whole episode without speaking. He never said a word. He just had that smug look on his face like he’s 25, he owns his own business, he doesn’t need to wear socks, and he’s important somehow. Buh-bye.
-Wendell finishes the race first, wins the alone time with Jen, and in a scene very similar to what he had in Central Park after Jerry was done mounting her on the boat, Wendell does nothing with it. They sip champagne, they talk about potential hometown dates, and Wendell comes across as Jen’s first cousin. Yeah, she definitely doesn’t see herself climaxing with him. No way.
-Commercial. The “Happy Days” 30th Anniversary Reunion Show is this Thursday. Now this I have to see. Will Scott Baio still try to bone Joanie? Will Ron Howard think to himself, “How come I’m the only one who even did anything with my career after this?”, and will Anson Williams use this to become the breakout star we all expected him to be? I don’t think I’ve ever been more excited about a reunion show than this one. Except for “Beverly Hills 90210”. But when Brian Austin Green, Tori Spelling, and Tiffani Amber Theissen all decided to big league the reunion, I was fuming. Who were they to think they could stand up their fellow cast members? Especially you, Tori. Of all people to pass it up. You wouldn’t have a career if it wasn’t for that show. At least David Silver has an excuse. Having sex with Vanessa Marcil is an acceptable “Get out of the Reunion Show” pass in my book. And I think Tiffani Amber Theissen was busy making some “Lifetime” movie about rape, or drugs, or alcohol, or being abducted. There are no other plots to any of their other movies. And if Meredith Baxter Birney wasn’t in it, she must’ve been sick that day. She’s in every “Lifetime” movie.
-Final talks before the biggest rose ceremony yet. And Fabreeze’s “shocking” announcement. Line up the parade, Cascade is coming out of the closet. Anyway, Jen tells Lysol she’s disappointed he didn’t show up at the Empire State Building. Jen: “Fabreeze just bowed out. He didn’t even put any effort into it, which shows that it just wasn’t a big deal to him.” Yes, Fabreeze is a vagina, and yes, Fabreeze likes the Village People, but is Jen really that vain to think that everybody is going to run the streets of New York with a chance to win some time with her? I thought that was a tad conceited. It might have actually been the smartest thing the guy ever did on the show. He knew he was going home, why waste his time? I applaud him for his efforts. He’s still an effeminate little pud whose ass I’d love to kick, but hey, bravo to him for standing up for himself. Now go grab your ankles and let someone have their way with you.
-Ben is really hurting. He REALLY wanted to win that race. Ben: “I was running as fast as I could.” Yes you were. You just don’t have the bank account that Wendell has apparently, so that’s why you lost. But Jen was impressed with Ben’s honestly nonetheless and felt he opened up more than he ever has. Jen: “Ben really made me re-evaluate my choices.” Translation: Ryan, Jerry, Wendell, and John Paul were getting roses already. Ben just made me think an extra ten seconds about wanting to change my mind and swap him in for John Paul. Nope. Sorry Ben. Nice try though.
-Jerry has one final talk with Jen and thinks he put his foot in his mouth. Something about “definitely something I haven’t done in a long time.” Like, date someone not affiliated with reality television? I missed that. I was too busy eating my Hershey’s chocolate bar. Domino’s pizza and Hershey’s chocolate for dessert. A healthy man’s dinner. I feel like a million bucks right now. The best thing about eating Domino’s is that you never feel it in your stomach about two weeks down the road. It never lingers there at all and you feel so fresh and energized after eating it. I feel I could run a marathon tomorrow. Or two.
-Host Chris announces there are six of them left, but only four roses available. Two of them will be going home. This guy’s brilliant really. Hey Chris, if you ever need a recommendation for that “Survivor” gig once Probst decides to quit and start making babies with Julie, you just let me know. I’ll write a great reference letter for you, pal. You’re the best.
-Jen: “I take this step seriously…..meeting family is very important to me….thank you this journey…..Fabreeze, I already know your gay, no need to announce it right now….” So Fabreeze interrupts Jen right before the passing out of roses, and has a big announcement. Windex: “I came here looking for love….someone that can make me dream, laugh, cry….and I don’t think there’s this kind of passion with us….Jen, I don’t want to marry you…I feel I should leave now…..with Chris.” Funny that he told Jen he doesn’t want to marry her since I don’t remember Jen asking him if he did. That was the announcement? That he’s leaving the show because they’re not compatible? Unbelievable! The most shocking rose ceremony ever! Who saw that coming? They’ve done it again! I don’t know what had my heart racing more: Fabreeze’s annoucement, or Tony Almeida coming to save the day for Jack Bauer last night. That was awesome. Anyway, the funniest part of Fabreeze’s announcement, was after saying bye to Jen and to the guys, as he’s walking out the door he gives a quick turn back and says, “Bye Chris”. Priceless. This guy couldn’t have made a bigger ass of himself the last four weeks if he dressed up as a donkey. Good riddance, frog. Take a shower.
-On to the roses. Five men, four men have had one-on-one’s, one guy hasn’t. The suspense is killing me.
Ryan: Mark it down. Trust me.
Jerry: There’s your final two. Four guys left and she’s only kissed two. That pretty much says it all.
Wendell: Pity rose. He’ll be like Bob Guiney and get invited to her wedding.
-Chris: “Gentleman….final rose tonight…when you’re ready.” Ok, so finally in defense of Chris, time for a little tidbit. Chris did an interview that I read somewhere, and he basically said that he knows how cheesy that line is every time he says it, and if you notice, he can never look at Jen when he says it, because he knows he’ll bust out laughing. Well, there you go. At least Chris has a sense of humor about the whole thing. Just sucks I can’t make fun of him for it now since he knows it’s stupid as well.
The Pope: I don’t know if he had socks on.
-So Ben’s only regret was that he and Jen really didn’t get to know each other. Isn’t that everyone’s regret that gets booted. “She didn’t get to know the real me. I didn’t get enough time with her.” I’m tired of that excuse. Someone needs to come up with something better one of these days like, “We got to know each other, and frankly, I would’ve found myself killing that woman ten years from now.” Or something like that.
-Next week we get the hometown dates and I can’t wait. Usually one of the better episodes of the season because we get to see the delusional families these people come from. One of the guy’s mothers comments to Jen about how she didn’t like Andrew Firestone. Wow. Did Andrew pay ABC to continue to get plugged during this season? His name seems to be getting mentioned an awful lot. I know he and Jen are broken up, but she sure likes bringing him up every now and then. Somebody might want to check in with those two so when Ryan proposes, Firestone doesn’t go ape sh** and ruin the wedding. Hope you and the Playmate are having fun, Andy. Until next week….
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