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2.14.05
I’m going to let all of you in on a bit of a secret. This is a pretty big deal, and since most of you read this column on a weekly basis, I feel you should know. I’m am currently debating on whether or not to continue this column after this season of the “Bachelorette” ends. It’s not definite yet, but as of now, I’m leaning more towards not doing it next season. And there are a couple of good reasons. Number one, this show has completely gone downhill. Every season, no matter what location they move it to, no matter who the contestants are, and no matter how they promise the next season will be “different”, it’s still the same thing week in and week out. And frankly, it’s just getting old. I care way too much about people who I shouldn’t give a sh** about. And number two, well, click on this link and you’ll see….
http://www.jokersupdates.com/ubbthreads/showthreaded.php?Cat=&Board=TheBachelor&Number=1599842&page=0&view=expanded&sb=5&o=&fpart=1&mrd=1108081328
After Ryan’s booting last night, the National Enquirer is right yet again. Three weeks ago they had Jerry and J.P. in the finals. So I’m guessing this story is true as well. I had no idea Jerry O’Connell even had a younger brother until I read that. I mean, are you serious? Now they’re putting B-list actors on as the “Bachelor” to try and entice people to watch, even though this guy is a notorious skirt chaser in the Hollywood scene? Exactly what are they trying to accomplish here? Their track record sucks. Currently they’ve successfully mated one out of eight couples, with six broken up, and one currently pending as Byron and Mary are still together….for now. And you know whoever Jen picks isn’t working out. Not a chance in hell. I give it three months tops, and that’s being generous. So, in conclusion, I just wanted to forewarn you that there’s a possibility we could be down to our last two columns. Now, I’d still keep the site up and running, but I’m thinking of just going to a weekly “Reality Roundup” column, that would include the “Bachelor” in it, just not nearly as detailed as what I’m doing now. It’s just not the same excitement anymore to write this column. Maybe I’m just in a bad mood, maybe this season has sucked the life out of me, but right now, that’s how I feel and what I’m leaning toward. Not sure yet, but obviously I’ll let you know. Let’s begin….
-After watching last week’s episode and observing that Jen has a major problem when she kisses men, in that, she doesn’t use any tongue whatsoever, I decided to pay even closer attention this week. And by God, we are down to our last three men, she was on her fantasy dates, and I still couldn’t believe this woman. NO TONGUE. The WHOLE episode. This is unbelievable. I think it should be written in her contract that her tongue be readily available to any guy willing to take it. She’s in essence, about two weeks away from potentially being with her future husband, and she has yet to engage in a french kiss. I can understand waiting until marriage to have sex, I guess, but waiting til marriage to use your tongue? Ummm, that’s scary. And yes, I TiVo’ed the show. Every passionate moment was rewound and looked at again very closely. She never tongued anyone last night, at any point, on any of the dates. Check for yourself. Reason #367 why this show sucks this season.
-Jen arrives in Bermuda to meet up with J.P. They throw her in a bikini, put her on a jet ski, and she rides to shore with J.P. waiting in anticipation. They meet, and no tongue. Understandable. She hasn’t seen him in a while, so need to suck face right away. They set up a little blanket and umbrella and decide to talk about life, work, the future, and her lack of interest in ever french kissing a man. She asks J.P. about what his typical week consists of to get a better feel of how life would be like married to this slug. He says Monday through Thursday he makes his own work schedule, because he’s his own boss. Yes, you’ve made that perfectly clear to us. You make gobs of money, you have your own house, you have somewhat of a mullet perm, and you squint way more than the average man does. So the gist of it is, he can make his own schedule, so he will create time to see her as much as he could. In Oklahoma City. And Jen seems positively thrilled with the chance to pack up from Chicago and move to a thriving metropolis such as Oklahoma City. Especially when the other guy to choose from lives in L.A. Hmm…tough one.
-Jen: “I’m not a huge ‘let’s-go-out-and-party-everynight’ kind of girl.” Translation: There’s a reason I’m no longer with Andrew Firestone. And hey, there’s something I’m actually looking forward to this season. Next week’s “Men Tell All” Episode when Andrew Firestone decides to “stop by, and tell the men about Jen”. I love how they’re trying to get us to believe that like it wasn’t planned, and he just happened to be in the area and stop in on the taping to inform the guys about Jen. We’re supposed to believe this? Hell, his name’s been mentioned at least once in every episode this season. Of course they were gonna bring him on the “Men Tell All” episode. Please. And speaking of the “Men Tell All”, inevitably this show’s a disappointment because it’s edited so poorly, and all the canned laughter makes it obnoxious to watch, but I might actually be looking forward to this one. Is Andrew gonna bring Emmy Rossum on the show? And for those that don’t know, the “Men Tell All” was taped last week, and of course, pictures were already up yesterday from the taping, and Ryan was there, so, it wasn’t too hard to figure out he wasn’t staying around. Although, the Enquirer had it three weeks ago. Another thing I’m disliking about the show? It’s almost impossible not to find out the ending beforehand. I’d have to really try not to know. And even if I did, someone would eventually email me and tell me anyway. I don’t care about finding out beforehand, but, there’s no suspense anymore. Maybe I’m just being a big girl about the whole thing.
-Jen: “I like how J.P. laughs at stupid things that I say and do.” He won’t be laughing much longer if you continue to hold out on the tongue. There is something seriously wrong with being two weeks away from possibly being engaged and still not reaching first base with your mate. Isn’t that Chris Harrison’s job to pull her aside and say, “Look Jen. Loosen up. Have a glass of wine. Or ten. Our ratings are in the toilet and we need to spice things up a bit. You watch “Blind Date”? You watch “Elimidate”? Those people are half naked groping each other on dance floors on their first dates, and here you are in Bermuda on a third date with a guy, and still not giving up the ass.” He says that, right? If he doesn’t, he’s supposed to. What else are they paying him for? To bang on his wine glass and ruin the moment for all the guys?
-Jen meets J.P. down on the beach for dinner and they walk through what is called a moongate. Trust me, I had no idea what that cardboard cut-out was doing on the beach either until Jen explained. Jen: “In Bermuda, this is a symbol of luck and love in marriage.” Whoa. It is? Looks like a 4th grade art project that someone left out on the beach to me. Apparently Bermuda has lame customs when it comes to marriage. Remind me never to tie the knot down there. I’d much rather get married in a church, or on a hill overlooking the ocean than have my wedding guests watch me walk through something called a “moongate”. I’ll pass, thanks. So if Jen doesn’t pick J.P., isn’t this our Byron/Tanya toast of “To Christmas in Texas” moment of the season? Why possibly make the guy all excited about the possibility of marriage only to dump his ass at the altar?
-Our “Andrew Firestone Moment” of Episode Six just happened. While at dinner, J.P. asks Jen, “Does Andrew still play a factor in this?” Huh? Where did this come from? And why do you have such a hard on for the guy? If I’m not mistaken, this isn’t the first time Squinty Boy has made reference to Andrew this season. Get off his nuts, J.P. Damn. Could be considered stalking in some states. And let’s put it this way, even if Andrew did still play a factor, and let’s say she was still hoping to be with him, do you honestly think she’d tell you that? Apparently just because you own your own business in Oklahoma City doesn’t mean you are the sharpest knife in the drawer.
-During dinner, things are going well. Conversation is good (except for the Andrew thing), food is good, they’re having a good time, then….oh no….not that….please, put it away….it can’t be….it’s….it’s…AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!! Surprise! The letter we’ve all come to know and love on the fantasy dates.
Dear Jen and J.P.,
We hope you are enjoying your stay in Bermuda. If you want to go up to the suite and boink, here are the keys. Have at it.
-So what did they do after he read the letter? They agreed to use the suite tonight. And they kissed. Of course, with no tongue. I mean, why use tongue in an intimate moment like that where you just decided you were going to spend the night for the first time? Ewwww…coodies, I know. But Jen has one more surprise for J.P. They head down to the water, walking back through the moongate I’m sure to just give him one painful remainder of what he won’t have, and she has a private firework show waiting for them. How adorable. Jen: “I’ve never had a private firework show.” That doesn’t surprise me. You’re still not comfortable tonguing a man yet, what makes me think you’re adept at handling his firework? Call me unpatriotic, call me boring, whatever. I’ve never been a big firework guy at all. Every single firework show I’ve ever seen has been exactly the same. Doesn’t matter. At the baseball game, at a park, at the golf course, or at a carnival, they’re all the same. Cheesy patriotic music, starts out slow, you hear the “ooh’s” and “aah’s” from the crowd, then they build up to a 5 or 10 minute finale where they shoot off like a 1,000 at a time. Sorry. Just can’t get that into it. Especially when there isn’t a firework out there that completely can blow you away, you know? I mean, when the biggest reaction you can get at a firework show is “Oooh” or “Aaahh”, it can’t be that exciting, can it? I’ve never once seen a firework go off and said, “Holy S**t! Did you see that?! That was the greatest thing ever!” Doesn’t usually go that way for me. I’m usually looking at my watch five minutes in.
-So they go up to the suite and sit around the fire, look into each other eyes, and kiss each other on the lips for a good 30-60 seconds with the camera completely zoomed in. This is where I went “rewind” for the first time this episode. And no, even alone in the suite, right next to the fire, she was too good to give him tongue. They both opened their mouth a couple times, and maybe the tips of their tongues might have mistakenly bumped into each other for a millisecond, but there was no make out session whatsoever if that’s what you were hoping for. Crazy. Someone really needs to get to the bottom of this. When did Jen become such a prude?
-Commercial. I’m going to miss this today, since I’m not a housewife and I actually work during the day, but I really need to catch today’s “Oprah”. She’s having Anne Robinson on, you know, the bitch from “Weakest Link”. The promo went like this, “Tomorrow, ‘Weakest Link’s’ Anne Robinson, and her shameful secret.” Someone has to fill me in on what this is. I love how everyone thought that was the greatest show ever for about 2 ½ months, then decided it was crap, and no one watched and it was cancelled. I think the “Men Tell All” producers must’ve watched “Weakest Link” clips over and over to figure out how to make canned laughter work so good. I mean, could her lame lines been any more scripted if they tried? And isn’t it amazing that all of her lines drew the exact same amount of laughter? Funny how that works. Maybe her shameful secret is that she’s the most unfunny human to ever host a game show. She makes Bob Barker look like Eddie Murphy. And in case you haven’t seen it, you must watch the “E! True Hollywood Story” on the “Price is Right”. That is some good television right there people. I was mezmorized for two hours on what I was watching. Want a brief summary? Bob Barker is a 90 year old horndog that used to fondle the Barker beauties at any chance he could get. That’s basically what I learned. And oh yeah, Janice’s ex-husband was a Russian spy. I’m telling you, good stuff. You gotta watch.
-Jerry’s date is next up in Hilton Head, South Carolina. Coming into this date, Jen has one major concern about Jerry. Jen: “I’m worried Jerry might be a player.” I wonder if Jen sits around at night and wonders if the sky is blue. Or if water is wet. Is Jerry a player? Let me help you out here honey. Yes, he is. Any other questions? You don’t believe me, just listen to the lines he fed her when they met up. For the 300th time this season, he said she makes him feel like a kid. Jerry: “You make me nervous. I feel like a kid. I have such a little crush.” I think before Jerry came on the show, he wrote down every bad line from every chick flick ever made, and just rehearsed them over and over again. I actually might believe the guy if he didn’t say each line back-to-back-to-back all the time. Space them out. Say one when you meet her, then say one over dinner, then say one as she’s not tonguing you before you go to bed. But you can’t just blurt out “You make me nervous…I feel like a kid…I have such a little crush” all in a row like that. Who are you trying to fool?
-And what better way to find out a guy’s sincerity than over a game of croquet? Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “People under the age of 87 play croquet?” Well, apparently they ran out of date ideas this season. Send them to play miniature golf or something. At least then they have to deal with that windmill. That can get tricky. Croquet? How yuppie can you get? Where were the blue polo sweaters and yellow scarfs?
-Jen asks Jerry to tell her three things that he likes about her. Her conversations with Jerry are very different than with the other two. They basically all center around her wanting to hear compliments about herself. Very bizarre. Anyway, Jerry said the three things he likes most are: 1) She can light up a room 2) She makes him feel weird (Is that a compliment?) and 3) Her willingness to accept his life (He struggled mightily with that last one). Jen seem just as confused about those answers than I did. But nonetheless, they seem to have worked. Jen: “Jerry makes me feel giddy.” Giddy so much that she kisses him like she’s kissing her brother. Isn’t it amazing that of all the guys on this show so far, Fabreeze of all people got the most tongue out of any of them. Granted, it was his own, but still. His tongue is the only one we’ve seen to date. That’s gotta be a record.
-At dinner, these two did a lot of arguing over his sincerity. She questioned his answers, he didn’t understand why, and she basically told him in a roundabout way, “I need you to compliment me more.” She even said, “When you saw me that first night, did you say to yourself, ‘That’s the girl I’m supposed to like’?” And the fact that Jerry got so defensive on all these questions makes me think he realized she was onto him. “No, no way. I was into you from the very first night.” “Why do you ask ‘why’ all the time?” There’s something way too mysterious for this relationship to possibly work. I’m supposed to believe after all her questioning of this guy’s motives, she’s all the sudden just going to believe everything this guy tells her? Just like that? Oh well, if that’s so easy, why didn’t you say so? Send out the wedding invitations now. These two are doomed from the start. He’s a bullsh***er and she doesn’t believe a word he says. Match made in heaven.
-Commercial. Very excited that the Academy Awards are coming up. We’re still two weeks away, and the local ABC affiliate out here in L.A. is promoting the pre-Academy award show that begins at 3:00pm. Wonderful. Five hours of non-stop coverage. Five hours of incessant slobbering from the hosts all over the guests. “Who are you wearing tonight?” “You look beautiful.” “Hey, good to see you.” “Are you nervous at all?” But I think my favorite’s always been, “What was it like to work on that set?” Just once, I want to hear someone say, “Actually, it sucked. I hated all these actors and actresses I worked with. No one was professional. The director was a giant a-hole, the producers were unbearable, and my trailer wasn’t stocked with enough Evian. It was a dreadful experience I hope I never have to go through again.” Somehow I’m guessing we won’t hear that. But we will hear how a peach colored dress, with a lime green shall, big loopy earrings, and red pumps is somehow the most beautiful outfit you’ll ever see.
-Ryan’s date is in Cape Cod, MA, and immediately Jen feels a bit uncomfortable after that performance his parents put on during the hometown date. She feels his parents didn’t really care to know her that well, they just wanted to give her a mid term on the history of Thailand. And even Ryan realizes his parents may have goofed. Ryan: “I had expectations with my family that I don’t think were met.” What do you mean? Jen signed your bathroom wall didn’t she? That’s a good start. Not very weird at all. I can’t begin to tell you all the countless bathroom walls of ex’s that I’ve signed. We’re talking about, like, none. But don’t worry. Jen seems to have completely gotten over the parent thing and isn’t dwelling on it at all. You’ll be fine. As long as you pump her with compliments all night long and make sure everything is about Jen, you’re in there like you don’t even know.
-Jen: “You’re definitely the type of person I could introduce to my parents.” Translation: And I hope they bore the hell out of you like your parents did to me. Apparently Ryan went on a local TV station in Oregon last week to defend his parents and, surprise, complained about the editing saying there was more to the hometown date than just the Thailand talk. Here’s reason #598 on why this series is getting old. Editing. I have a rule from here on out. Everyone that goes on this show from now on, can never complain about the editing ever again. You know exactly what you’re getting into when you sign up for this. You know exactly that ABC can portray you whatever way they want to portray you, and make you look exactly how they want you to look. I just don’t understand the people that sign up for this show yet complain about how they were made to look. You’re getting exactly what you signed up for. It’s no longer an excuse or cop out to blame the editing. That’s pretty much the equivalent of going to a ballet and complaining that everyone is wearing a tu-tu. If you go on a reality show, you’re going to be edited.
-Ryan admits to Jen that he’s ready for marriage and she is totally someone he can see himself with. Which is usually the kiss of death on this show. And shocker, it was yet again. Of course, Ryan took back what he said later on the limo ride home and was upset at himself for opening up to her, only to get hurt. Get in line, Ryan. Everyone who’s ever been dumped on this show basically feels the same way on their way out the door. I never should’ve said that, I never should’ve done this, I can’t believe we had sex and then he dumped me, she said I had the biggest johnson and then she dumps me, on and on and on and on. We’ve heard it all. Give us something new here. And then they jumped into a bubble bath up in the suite together. Dudes in bubble baths is very masculine. Now, I’m guessing he would’ve liked that edited out. Woops. Too late. We saw it.
-Commercial. The celebrity list that Michael Jackson’s attorneys have put together to possibly come to the stand in defense of him has one name that sticks out above the rest. Kobe Bryant. Huh? Kobe hangs with Michael Jackson? Since when? What could these two possibly have in common other than both liking to grope teenagers? And maybe there’s a reason I won’t make a great juror, but the minute I hear Corey Feldman say Michael Jackson showed him porn when he was a kid, I say “guilty”. That’s enough for me. That’s all I need, you honor. Go ahead and lock him up. There might not be a more disgusting, yet hilarious, picture I could paint in my head than Michael Jackson showing a young Corey Feldman pornographic photos. I’ll give you a week to beat that. Can’t do it.
-They’re back in New York for the big night. Jen has to decide which of the three remaining men she dislikes the more so than the other two. I don’t think that made any sense. Oh well. You know what I was trying to say. As Jen arrives, she gets a hug and a kiss from Chris. Other than the finale, does he usually hug and kiss the women? Is this going to be a Jeff Probst/Julie Berry type of love? I don’t think Chris’ wife and newborn would be too happy with that. As for Jeff and Julie, they’re still going strong apparently and he claims they’re in love. Just wait til this season starts and he’s hitting on Kimberly Mullen. Watch out for her.
-Jen breaks down the final three:
J.P. – “He’s very stable and mature for his age.” Oh God. If I have to hear one more time about how Mr. Collagen Lips is so mature for his age, I might have stick pins in my eyeballs. Do you mean “he’s very stable and rich for his age”?
Jerry – “I’m still worried he might be a player.” Well, maybe Jen isn’t half as dumb as we thought. I mean, if she can see that, she can see a lot of things. Like, how quickly this relationship would deteriorate once Jerry got on the cover of “In Touch” AND “US Weekly” in the same week.
Ryan – “He’s adorable. He’s the perfect guy to start a family with.” I think they edited out the “but…..” part here. Which would’ve been, “but….not with me.” Usually the guy who gets the biggest compliment before the rose ceremony is usually the one whose ass gets hit by the door on the way out.
-Host Chris comes in with this week’s big shakeup. Chris: “But for the first time, things are going to be a little different.” Oooooh, please tell us. What happens? Different than any previous rose ceremony? Tell us, tell us, tell us. Chris: “Jen wants to privately speak with each of you.” WHAT? That’s what’s different. Reason #714 why this show sucks. Overpromising and underperforming. They made it seem last week that this was something so far out of left field, it hadn’t been done in rose ceremony history, where it was nothing more than the “last chance talks” Byron had last season with three girls of his choosing. Is anyone still watching the show at this point? How many times have they built something up that was literally nothing out of the ordinary? When a show starts doing that, you know it’s on its last legs.
-So each guy says their piece to try and earn last minute brownie points. Jen’s concerned about Jerry’s answers and doesn’t know if he’s in it to win the game, or in it to be with her. Same ol’, same ol’. Ryan says he’s knows Jen doesn’t want to be in a failed relationship 6 months down the road, and he just wants her to know he’s in it for the long haul. Well, not much longer anymore pal. I guess we can count on the six month failed relationship now. And six months is way too generous, Ryan. Try two. And J.P. says he’s looking for a wife. J.P. always seems like he’s high, or just smelled something really bad. Kinda got that Nicole Ritchie look about him.
-Jen’s ready. Jen: “I’m looking for my only one true love…..and someone whose parents won’t show me slideshows of their vacations.
J.P.: Of all nine seasons now of the “Bachelor/ette”, I think it’s safe to say this is by far the most unlikely finalist they’ve ever had. I’m shocked this guy made it this far. And I’m sure it has nothing to do with his bank account. Nothing whatsoever.
Jerry: Good thing Chris didn’t inform us there was only one rose left. I might have gone completely paralyzed from the neck down if he had. And Jerry in the finals was about as shocking as, well…nothing.
-Wow. Jen didn’t even feel the need to walk Ryan out to the limo. Just watched him from the top of the stairs. I thought he was “adorable”? I thought he was the “perfect guy to start a family with?” Good enough to start a family with, yet he wasn’t good enough to walk down the stairs. Makes sense. Ryan: “This is definitely a blow to my ego, and my pride. It hurts. She says she wants a guy who will open up to her, take care of her, and be real with her. I don’t feel the two guys remaining can give her that.” Hopefully we’ll get to “why” he said that next week on the “Men Tell All”, but I’m guessing we won’t. We’ll just get to hear him bitch about how his parents were portrayed in his hometown date. Great.
-Finale in two weeks, and both J.P. and Jerry propose. Neither of these guys do anything for me. But maybe I’m just a guy, and they’re not supposed to. But at least the editing could have made us believe that she had some sort of chemistry with either of them. Dating chemistry? Sure. Marriage chemistry? I sincerely doubt that. Maybe she picks one, but doesn’t accept the proposal. That would make the most sense but regardless, she’s not staying with either one. Especially not after Jerry lands his first magazine cover. Until next week…..
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