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REUNION SPECIAL
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REUNION SPECIAL
Considering all the information that has been leaked about this show’s finale, and subsequently what happens after the fact, it’s very hard to find it the least bit entertaining anymore. There are definitely a lot of rumors out there, and amazingly enough, most of them are true. So whether you’ve heard them or not isn’t the point. The point is, this is the worst season this show has ever produced, it’s very obvious to everyone Jen doesn’t have a connection with any of these guys, and I hope none of you are shocked by what you’re going to see in the finale. Have I decided to continue to write when the “Bachelor” starring Charlie O’Connell starts up? I don’t know yet. And I probably won’t until the night of. I’ve got to at least watch it first to give it a chance, so we’ll see. As for the “Men Tell All” last night, it was basically what we’ve come to expect. A whole lot of nothing. We didn’t learn anything that we didn’t already know, except for the fact that I think Stu got the raw end of the deal by the editors of the show. He’s not a stalker. But Andrew Firestone sure is. That whole segment with him was just creepy. Let’s begin…
-Once again, Host Chris introduces us to our 23 losers one-by-one. All the while, we have to hear audience members fake cheer and scream for them the whole time. I’m guessing half the people in the audience have never even seen the show and were bussed in because they’re local group won tickets to a “TV taping.” Head down to Venice Beach on a any weekend, and people are passing out those flyers all the time. “Being an audience member on a major network show!” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Save it. The fact that 99.9% was female, and they were all screaming and clapping like 4th graders definitely makes me think these people had no interest in the show whatsoever. Hell, I don’t even remember half the guys that were there last night, yet these women are practically throwing their panties at guys eliminated on the first night. Weird.
-Host Chris started off by going around asking guys about the whole experience. Wendell offered up a good line by stating that it was basically “a houseful of guys with PMS.” Probably not the most flattering thing he could’ve said about his fellow housemates. Although the idea of Fabrice PMS’ing definitely has a ring to it. However, I don’t see how Monster Mike could ever go through such a thing. I mean, his steroid cycle would no doubt conflict with his menstrual cycle. How would that work? Wouldn’t the roids’ basically kill the whole menstruating process for him? How does he stay regular? Will he ever be able to conceive a child? That could be devastating to him. Someone might want to look into this.
-Host Chris asked David why he passed out during the first rose ceremony. David: “Well, I knew there was going to be a jacuzzi involved, so I cut out the carbs in my diet. I got a little lightheaded, and before you knew it….” Wrong. Cutting out carbs may make you lightheaded…during a workout. Usually you don’t get lightheaded standing around waiting for some chick to give you a rose who doesn’t even like you. Just admit it. You were having flashbacks to the N.K.O.T.B. days, you can’t believe Donnie has turned into as big a star as he is, and you’re still bummed out that Joey McIntyre is still more popular than you’re sorry ass because he got a guest spot on “Boston Public.” It’s ok. Someday you’ll get over it. “I’ll be loving you, foreeeeeeever…..” Just whip out the “New Kids Dance” one last time, and you’ll feel all better.”
-Host Chris brings Stu up to the stage to go over his embarrassing performance. Basically made the guy re-live why I nicknamed him the CLB (Creepy Little Bastard). That couldn’t have been fun for him. So instead of cornering him with, “Why did you say this?” or “What did you mean by this?”, Host Chris let him off the hook, and Stu got off stage without giving us any reason why we shouldn’t think he’s going to show up at the proposals next week with a ski mask and a gun. Although Stu did acknowledge every media member that’s called him out for being a CLB including Kelly Ripa, “The View”, and Howard Stern. But he also said, “Kelly, I love you.” Great. Go stalk her then. I’m sure her 90 lb ass couldn’t really keep you off her. And what is Stu doing watching “The View” and “Regis & Kelly” anyway? To listen to four older women talk about how their species is that much more dominant that ours? No thanks. I’ll shoot crack into my eyeballs before I do that, thanks. And how come these women seem to have a solution for everything? In a bad relationship? No problem. Addicted to porn? They’re there to help. Want a bad interview with softball questions? I present “The View”.
-Commercial. I find it pretty funny that two of my favorite women of all-time, Jennifer Love Hewitt and Kristin Kreuk, both were ad girls for Neutrogena. Man, that company just takes the Flavor of the Month and gives them a contract, don’t they? JLH got the spot when she was in her prime. Then it moved on to Kristin when “Smallville” was getting more popular. Now last season once the “O.C.” took off, Mischa Barton was the new spokesmodel. And I know I’m missing someone in between. Hey, give em’ credit. At least they find hot, young, under 25 girls to market their body soap. Think of the alternative. Would you like to see Bea Arthur soaping herself down after getting out of the shower? Neither would I. And I did some math while watching this commercial, and if you take the collective weight of Jennifer, Kristin, and Mischa, and you subtract that from Star Jones’ weight, you come up with exactly 300. These are always fun games to play during commercial break. Try it sometime.
-Ryan was up next in the “hot seat” next to Chris. Immediately we got to see a recap of the hometown date and our “Thailand” slideshow. Ryan admitted that he knew his family was uncomfortable right away, but he added, “That’s a two way street. Jen didn’t show a big interest in my family either.” Ouch. Low blow. Well, which came first? The chicken or the egg? Maybe Jen didn’t show an interest because your family bored her to tears. Or maybe Jen bored them and that’s why they decided to tell us all about their travel habits to countries a million miles away. I guess we’ll never know. Ryan says his Mom has been very upset since it aired, and it hasn’t been easy to deal with. That’s a tough one. So did Mom go into the bathroom and scribble all over what Jen wrote on the wall? I think she should’ve. We all don’t like her now either, Mrs. Ryan’s Mom. Take a black sharpie and scribble all over that thing.
-Ryan won’t let it go. Ryan: “I think if I were in Jen’s situation, I would’ve handled myself with a little bit more class.” Oh Ryan stop it. Quit making this out to be a bigger deal than it is. If she would’ve chosen you in the final two, we wouldn’t even be talking about this. Just because your parents blew your chance to be broken up with on national television, doesn’t mean you need to take it out on Jen. It wasn’t her fault. She had a lot of things on her mind. Could’ve been a bad day she was having. Maybe she was PMS’ing from hanging out with all you guys in the loft. You know, women have that innate ability to pick that up from other women. Maybe it just so happened right before she went to Oregon it happened which explained her crabbiness. Or maybe she just didn’t like you. One or the other.
-Ryan: “Ultimately, Jen and I were two different people.” Well, if that’s what you want to convince yourself happened, so be it. Two different people? Which is why you told her you wanted to grow old and have children with her right before you got booted? Makes sense. Always a smart thing to do. I’d just blame Mom and Dad for being horrible tour guides, go back to Manhattan Beach, hang out on Pier St. as much as you can on the weekends, and I guarantee at some point you’ll get laid by one of the tramps hanging out there. Then Jen will become a complete afterthought. Club Sushi would be a good start. If that doesn’t work for you, head on over to Patrick Malloy’s or Sharkeez. Always a good, drunk, slutty crowd there.
-Next up in the “not-so hot seat” was Fabrice, who as Chris points out, just flew in from Paris. Then how come he chauffeured himself over to the studio? All the guy was missing was the black hat and the two-way walkie talkie. This guy is a complete boob and he made himself look even worse last night. Chris asks him first off about his bluntness. Spray-N-Wash: “That’s the way I am, and I stand by it.” Translation: All us Europeans are rude, obnoxious, and we smell. I wouldn’t be true to myself if I come on zee American show and not be a complezete, how you say, zhackass. Look, I hate to stereotype just as much as the next guy, but Pine Sol did nothing to disprove the stereotype about Euro’s. In fact, he made it worse. Good job, Windex.
-Then for some reason, since Mr. Clean had such a problem with Josh the Virgin all season, Host Chris thought it’d be a good idea to get these two into a pissing match for the next five minutes. That was fun. Virgin Boy: “Fabrice, your glass house has been crackin’ for a while now, and you need to be very careful about the stones you pick up and decide to throw.” HUH? WHAT?! Are you a 5th grade teacher now? Who comes up with lines like this? And you know this pud literally thought for 3 months about how he was gonna come back at Fabrice too. Just because dude has never felt a woman up against him, doesn’t mean he has the right to come down on Fabreeze for pointing that out 100 times. I almost felt like taking Fabreeze’s side on this one. Ok, no I didn’t, but that’s not the point. Both these guys are idiots and I’m pissed at Chris for engaging these two. And I’m sure that shoe polish Josh had in hair for every episode, and the ridicule he took every day from it since, had nothing to do with the completely new hairdo last night. No part, no comb over, no five pounds of goo in his hair anymore. Glad you took care of that. Now there’s only one thing left. Go buy yourself a hooker or something.
-Fabreeze kept pushing the Virgin on why he still hasn’t been with a woman. Fabreeze: “I can’t relate to that.” Virgin: “I’m madly in love with my future wife.” Host Chris steps in: “Are you engaged?” Virgin Pud: “No.” Then why are you telling us you’re madly in love with your future wife? Hey, if someone chooses to hold out until marriage, that’s their business and all the power to them. I just don’t know how their future partner can take that leap. I mean, I think the black guy said it best last night when he said, “It’s not like you’re finding out the other leaves the toothpaste cap open. This is sex we’re talking about.” By no means is sex the most important part of a relationship, but if there isn’t any sexual compatibility, it ain’t working. And I can’t imagine for the life of me finding out that information AFTER I’m already married. Call me crazy. All you virgins can protest this column and my views all you want, but dammit, sex is not a bad thing. It’s ok to have. Trust me. You’ll thank me afterwards. And if you don’t, then don’t marry him or her. They did it wrong.
-Once I thought we were all done with the sex talk, Virgin Boy #2 Jason chimes in with his one cent worth of advice to Fabreeze. Jason: “You don’t have to have sex to be sexy. You don’t have to touch a woman’s body to touch her heart.” Did Jason and Josh get together before the show and say, “Ok, all of America already thinks we’re strange because we’re grown men yet to get our rocks off, let’s make them think we’re completely looney by throwing out ridiculous lines which make us sound even worse. Ok, you go ahead the cliched ‘rocks, stones, glass houses’ one, and I’ll make up some B.S. about how you can touch a woman, without touching her, but reaching her heart. It’ll be great.” Yeah, I think they did. They had to have planned this out, didn’t they? No one says that spur of the moment, do they? Two complete and utter embarrassments. I hope they never get laid now.
-Now it’s time for the all important question. The one everyone’s been asking about since day one of this show. The one that’s circulated numerous message boards everywhere. Host Chris: “Is Jen dating Billy Dec?” Woops. Wrong question. Host Chris: “Fabrice, are you gay?” Fabreeze in a roundabout way said no. The reason there were shirtless pictures of him floating around the internet and why he was showing up on gay porn sites was because he said he “took his shirt off at a nightclub in Chicago” for a guy, and then before he knew it, that picture was everywhere. Ok, sooooooo, what’s your boyfriend’s name? Who takes their shirt off for random strangers at a nightclub? Fabreeze apparently, that’s who. Yeah, that’s normal. Keep your shirt on dude. And your pants.
-Then Fabreeze went into defensive mode which is always a sign that you’re not guilty. Fabreeze: “I’m not gonna bang a woman on stage to prove I’m not gay.” Good. Please don’t. No one asked you to anyway. And please, get a little more defensive so that you completely make us believe 100% that you’re not a pillow biter. I don’t understand where Fabreeze actually thought we cared about his sexuality. If there are people out there who honestly thought ABC would let a guy on the show who was openly gay, then they’re idiots. They must’ve just had their jollies this whole segment because that’s who it was for. Did anyone honestly think this guy was going to admit he was gay on a heterosexual dating show? Fabreeze may be a complete idiot, Fabreeze may be the most uncool guy you’ve ever met, and Fabreeze may never get another woman to talk to him the rest of his life, but the guy’s not gay.
-The only thing Fabreeze apologized for on the show was that “I wasn’t smooth.” No way, man. You don’t need to apologize for that. You were totally smooth. It was Jen who wasn’t smooth. I mean, that time where you gazed lovingly into her eyes, grabbed her face, and tried to clean her teeth, that was slick. Jen was totally being a tease with you that night. I would’ve been upset with her too. Dude, she liked you. She was into you. For you to get played like that, that was just wrong. And that time where you started crying about an ex girlfriend you dated two years ago to try and see if that would remove Jen’s dress any quicker, that was totally a good move. That’s her fault she didn’t unzip the back of her dress immediately for you. She just couldn’t read your signals. She’s naïve, she’s shy, she doesn’t know how to act around boys. Or how to kiss them. I think you’re on the right track with women. Keep doing what you’re doing, and I guarantee, at least one of the next fifty women you meet won’t laugh in your face.
-Host Chris then informed us that Jen would not be appearing at the “Men Tell All” episode (a first in the show’s history by the way that the Bachelor/ette was not at the reunion show. Oh no, definitely shouldn’t be alarming nor a sign of things to come at all). But Jen did leave us a taped video message she had for a few of the guys. This is where it got sappy and she kissed everyone’s ass.
Mark- she mailed back his pendant. She said it should go to his future wife. And I’m sure whoever his future wife is will be happy to know that he originally gave it to someone he knew for about 10 hours. I’m sure she’ll feel special.
Ryan- she apologizes for offending him or his family in any way. He’s a great guy and she knows he’ll find his love someday. And in honor of his family, she’s donating the $60,000 she got paid to do this show to the Tsunami victims in Thailand. Woops.
Stu- cracks on him for all his messages, emails, and phone calls. Ha ha ha ha…I’m sure he found that hilarious since I’m guessing this guy has heard the word “stalker” everywhere he’s gone since this season ended. But she follows it up with “I’ve never been afraid of you.” Was that supposed to be a compliment?
Frenchie- “I don’t want to marry you either.” Well, I’m glad that’s settled.
-Commercial. 20/20 on Thursday night is going to be a special on Naomi Campbell. Apparently she’s out of rehab, she’s kicked her addiction, and she’s ready to move on with her life. I can’t remember for the life of me what Naomi Campbell was hooked on, but it was rather shocking to hear a supermodel was addicted to anything. Usually those girls are super low maintenance, very easy to get along with, and never have any eating disorders. Some of the more normal people you’ll ever meet. And by the way, I got an answer to my question last week about what Anne Robinson’s “Shameful Secret” was that she told Oprah. Recovering alcoholic and a deadbeat mother trying to get back in touch with her daughter. If I were the daughter, I’d stay away. I wouldn’t want that witch anywhere near me. What’s with game show hosts being complete whack jobs? She was a recovering alcoholic. The Family Feud guy hung himself in a closet. Chuck Barris of the “Gong Show” was in the mafia. Bob Barker is a sexual deviant. What’s next? Chuck Woolery likes little boys? Wink Martindale is addicted to bestiality? Frightening stuff.
-So the next segment ranked right up there with the most bizarre they’ve ever had on this show. They bring out Andrew Firestone and all the plants in the audience start screaming even though most of them had no clue who he was. The whole idea behind this made no sense when Host Chris’ first question was, “So what are you doing here Andrew?” They honestly expect us to believe this? They want us to think Firestone showed up unannounced because he was in the area just to say “hi” to all the guys? His reason? “Well, I just wanted to give the guys a chance to get to know who I am.” Huh? Why? What if they don’t want to know who you are? And if you’ve never watched the show this season, like you said you weren’t going to do, what would you care? So this “Men Tell All” episode focused more on the 23 losers and Firestone, and we got one 30 second video clip from Jen? Hmmmm…that makes sense. And if the guys really wanted the guys to get to know who you are, doing it on a soundstage wasn’t the way to go. How about having them party with you? Then they’ll see the Firestone we all know and love. I don’t think any of the 23 would be able to hang, if you ask me.
-Another hard hitting question from Host Chris: “Are you still in love with Jen?” Andrew: “There are no hidden feelings, I’m not calling her, and I’m not seeing her.” So, you’re not stalking her? And you’re not affected by any of this? Even though you’ve already changed your mind about watching the show. You went from “I’m not gonna watch this season” to “let me stop by the studio and meet the 23 guys who tried to molest my ex-girlfriend.” Very curious. I wish we could’ve really found out what went on before and after that “Men Tell All” taping. Like maybe someone getting involved in a threesome with one of the other contestants relatives, or the guys all hanging out and becoming Firestone’s best friend, or maybe they all hit up the Playboy mansion and went nuts. I’d much rather hear stories like that. And how badly edited was Firestone’s time up there on the stage? He’s talking, then there’s applause, then a sharp stop to the applause, then laughter, then a cut to Firestone’s facial expression even though it didn’t match what he just said. Brutal.
-The questions from the audience were my favorite part of the show. Why not just have a talking robot go up there and have him read the pre-programmed questions these people had? “Do you think your traveling led to your breakup with Jen?” “No. The girls knew that’s who I was and that was part of the deal. I expressed that to them.” Did you also tell them about the incessant partying, your late nights out on the town, and you’re skirt chasing? Were they aware THAT was part of the deal as well? “Are you dating anyone now?” “No, I’m not.” Yes you are. Quit it. You and Emmy Rossum are shacking up but you don’t want to go public with it yet because her prom is still three months away and you haven’t bought your tux yet. Just be sure not to stain it, return it on time, and make sure you give them back those god awful plastic shoes they give you. I still have my senior prom shoes sitting in my closet for some reason. Never returned them and they never asked for them back. Or they have, I don’t know about it, and I’ve had a collection out under my name for the last 12 years. I’m sure that looks good when I go to buy a house someday. “Hey, did you not return your tuxedo shoes from ‘Gary’s Tuxedo’s’? Seems to us you still owe them $17.50. Sorry. No loan for you.” Woops.
-Before heading to commercial, they preview next week’s finale and say that Jen receives two proposals. One man is rejected, and one man is still waiting for an answer. So we’re gonna wait two hours to watch that finale next week, only to find out her answer isn’t coming til the “After the Final Rose” show? She’s had three months to sit on it and still hasn’t given an answer? Wow. A lot can happen in three months. Crazy. Could you imagine what’s going through the guy’s mind this whole time? What if she doesn’t want me? What if she meets someone else who owns his own business in the Chicago area? Imagine the possibilities. This is crazy. So, for the first time in show history, not only did the Bachelor/ette not make a live appearance at the reunion show, but now for the first time ever, we don’t get his/her answer until the “After the Final Rose” show? Why couldn’t she give him an answer when he proposed?
-Commercial. I’m really not that excited that John Stamos’ “Jake in Progress” is starting in March. I’m really not. I can tell you one other person who isn’t gonna watch. Rebecca Romaijn-Stamos. Nope. She’s too busy banging Jerry O’Connell. Hey, how many times do you think our next bachelor, Jerry’s brother Charlie, has tried to get in on his brother’s action? Yeah, I’m sure he’s stayed clear away from them. Especially considering his reputation around Hollywood for being such a sweet, innocent, monogamous guy. And when does she become Rebecca Romaijn-Stamos-O’Connell? When’s that happening? As for John Stamos, I hope “Jake in Progress” works out for him. I really do. I mean, we all know what the next step is, if it doesn’t right? “Full House” Reunion Show. At that point, taking the blade to your wrists is your only option.
-When they come back from the final commercial, they show video recaps of Jen’s journey up to this point with both guys. Yet during each clip, they have a little box in the bottom corner of the screen with Firestone’s reaction. Why? He just told you he’s not interested in her anymore, and they’re never going to be together again. Do we really need to see what he thinks of Jen and J.P. watching fireworks? Did they excpect to like storm off the set or something? Like I said, this whole “return of Firestone” was very bizarre. Not only did he really not have a good reason for returning, but, even after he was done, I found myself asking, “So, why was he here again?” Maybe the winery is going through a down cycle. Needed a little pick me up. So time for him to pop his face on television again.
-Before signing off, Host Chris reminds us that we will get Jen’s answer to whomever’s proposal live next week on the “After the Final Rose” show. Was that a good idea to tell everyone? So what would make us tune in to the finale if that’s the case? Or at least the first hour and a half? What is this, “Survivor”? Is Chris Probst gonna come across the Atlantic Ocean on a jet ski then pull into the studio with the engagement ring? And if we’re supposed to believe that Jen and whomever she chose were not allowed to see each other in these last 3 months since the show ended taping, how does this make the answer any easier? If she didn’t know then, and she hasn’t seen him since, what makes us think she’ll know her answer now? This finale is turning into a complete abortion that’s going to blow up in ABC’s face. Can’t wait.
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