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2.7.05
Well, the “National Enquirer” has come out with its spoilers for the remainder of the “Bachelorette” season, and (don’t worry, I’m not going to ruin it for you), after last night’s episode, they’re right on track. Not that there’s any suspense this season anyway, because if you couldn’t see Wendell getting the boot last night, either you haven’t watched the show long enough, or, well, you’re IQ is barely pushing double digits. If you’re ever confused on who’s going to get eliminated, one of the safest ways to choose is to just see who’s gotten the least amount of ass. And not that Jen is slutting herself out on these episodes (one of the other reasons this season is boring), but by process of elimination, you can just tell these things. Of the four remaining guys, she had mouth-to-mouth intercourse with three of them. Wendell was not one of those three. Goodbye. Let’s begin.
-The Final Four meant hometown dates so Jen would be heading to Oklahoma City, OK to meet J.P., Medford, OR to see Ryan’s family, Chicago, ILL for Wendell’s clan, and Rochester, NY for Jerry’s secretive family. First up was J.P. the Pope’s family, and for the ump-teenth time, Jen tells us that she’s really impressed with him so far and he comes across “more mature than his age”. Translation: He’s 25, he has his own house, and has a lot of money, therefore, he’s mature for his age. I’m guessing if J.P. was still behind the counter at McDonald’s scrubbing floors and changing the fries, his “maturity” level would be as high as Jen thinks it is. And if you think I’m just jealous of J.P.’s early success in life, well, you’re right. But if he can trick Jen into thinking being a homeowner in Oklahoma City translates into being a good husband, all the power to him.
-There she goes again. Jen: “J.P. has a house and financial stable background.” Yes, we know this. The show, and yourself, are making this quite obvious every chance you can get. How do we know he’s not renting the house? How do we know he’s not 60 days late on his most recent mortgage payment? Why isn’t ABC showing us his bank account? Can we see personal and corporate tax returns for the last two years? Ok, maybe that’s asking much, but hey, this is the same network that thought throwing a gay guy on a heterosexual dating show was a good idea too. Let’s not put anything past them. And if you think I’m sick of hearing about J.P.’s house and “financial stability” three minutes into the show, you couldn’t be more perceptive. Let's just say J.P. would be a hell of a lot less attractive if he made $40k a year. You know the saying, "There's no such thing as an unattractive man with money."
-So when Jen arrives, good ol’ J.P. has a gift for her. So if you’re dating a man from Oklahoma City, and he gives you a gift on your first serious date, what would you guess it is? That’s right. Boots. Girls like boots. Especially black ones. And that’s what he gave her. Didn’t get her lingerie, didn’t get her a pair of assless chaps, he got her boots. Good for him. How did he know her size? Isn’t it not polite to ask a lady her shoe size? Or is it not polite to ask her age? Or is it how much she weighs? Or maybe it’s how many men she’s slept with? Whatever the case, the Pope seems to know Jen’s shoe size and her taste for black boots. Go figure. Jen’s shoe size is of least importance at this moment for J.P. He just wants to get in as good as he can and butter her up before meeting the parents.
-So when they arrive, Jen gets to meet J.P.’s parents and two younger brothers. All I know is he introduced one of his younger brothers as “Jake Ryan”. Jake Ryan? He doesn’t even know you exist? If I’m not mistaken, the other brothers name started with a “J” as well. Imagine that, a family in Oklahoma City naming three of their children with the same beginning letter. That’s unheard of. And let me guess, they all have belt buckles with their initials too, right? I couldn’t get over his little brother being named Jake Ryan. Brought back so many memories. “No more yanky my wanky, the Donger need food.” “Doooooong, where is my automobiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillle?” “Fred, she’s gotten her boobies. Oh, and they’re so perky.” “Last night my brother paid a buck to see your underwear.” “So, what’s your name? ‘Dong’. What’s your first name? ‘Long.’ What’s your middle name? ‘Duck’.” I could keep going if you’d like. “You know what I liked best about you? ‘My clean close shave?’ No. Waking up in your arms. ‘These things?’”. “She come here with you? ‘No. But if it’s ok with my parents, she’s coming home with me.” That’s enough for now. I think I’m gonna go watch it tonight. And I’ll report back with more lines I forgot.
-So when Jen sits down with the family, there’s an immediate connection between her family and his. They’re into sports. Although, they never specify exactly what sports both families are into. J.P.’s mom has grown up around sports having five boys and all whose names all begin with the letter “J”. And Jen says her family are sports fanatics as well. This should’ve been elaborated on a lot more. What sports are we talking about here? And Jen has never told us about the sports background in her family, has she? Of course, Jen slobbered all over this fact like, “Wow. I can see where J.P.’s family and mine would TOTALLY get along. They like sports and so do we. Be my husband J.P.” What if J.P.’s family sports were like, squirrel hunting, deer killing, and possum slaughtering? You might want to check into that before jumping into bed with the guy.
-Momma J.P. is propping up her son. Ma’: “If you decide to pick him, you’ll never be sorry.” Yeah, until he puts on about 75 lbs that he’s more than likely too. And let’s his dirty kids with their rat tail hair cut run around naked in the yard. J.P. is a big boy. He’s got that body frame that’s just on the verge of blowing up. Seventy-five pounds might even be a little generous. This guy could be pushing three or four bills before it’s all said and done and Jen’s already popped out a few kids. Something just tells me I can’t see Jen settling down in Oklahoma City. But what do I know?
-So as Jen’s leaving, she hugs the whole family, and Ma’ even makes the little brothers give her the most awkward hugs you’ll ever see. I don’t think the little young ones had ever been around a female like that before, you know, one they didn’t have to blow up and stick under their bed. So they needed a little practice on how to give Jen a hug. Although, they were probably pitching their first tent and kind of embarrassing when it’s with their big brothers hottest piece he’s ever brought home. No worries boys. Someday you’ll find a woman that’ll have a pulse and talk back to you.
-So when Jen and J.P. go back to his place to talk about the birds and the bees in front of the fire, J.P. is more than excited with how everything went. J.P.: “I could see you fit in here so easy, it’s scary.” You can? What did I miss? J.P.: “Kissing Jen felt so natural. I’m really starting to fall for her.” Yes, we know. We can tell. And I would completely expect that from a guy like you. Hey, if a woman completely out of my league came back to my house and kissed me on the outside patio, I’d probably feel the same way too. Remember, she has three other dates with three other men and she’s probably going to be doing the same thing with them. Well, two of them at least.
-Commercial. “The Notebook” is coming out on DVD. I never saw this, nor do I care to, but I’m guessing this is the chick flick of all chick flick’s. Without having seen this movie, I can guarantee that any male who has seen this movie was either dragged to it by his female companion, or, did it on a first date thinking it could lead to getting laid. I’m sorry. No self-respecting male in his right mind says, “Babe, I’ve really heard great things about ‘The Notebook’. Such a good love story, the acting is great, and I’m really in the mood to sit down for two hours and have you watch a movie about a guy who’s got every quality that I don’t possess.” I bet if you surveyed any male that saw “The Notebook” in theatres, chances are over 90% of them got laid afterwards. And if they didn’t, it was the worst $20 they ever spent on a flick. Trust me ladies, your guy had absolutely ZERO interest in watching that movie with you. If you weren’t watching close enough, he probably had his stopwatch running the whole time too. Or had an inordinate amount of bathroom breaks during the film. But hey, sometimes you gotta compromise.
-Next up is a trip to beautiful Medford, OR to hang out with Ryan and his bizarro family. When he picks her up, they go ice skating for a bit, and no one falls. Boooooooooooo. The only interesting thing about ice skating is watching people fall. Or when they whack each other on the knees with lead pipes then try to cover it up. By the way, Tonya Harding now weighs well over 200 lbs. From ice skating princess, to home video sex tape maker, to boxer. Some career she’s had. Glad things have taken off in the right direction for her. Anyway, Ryan tells Jen it’s been a while since he’s brought someone home to meet his parents. Gonna have to call Ryan out for a technicality on this one. You didn’t bring her home to meet your parents by choice. You had to bring her home because you made the final four. Big difference. And after your parents performance in this episode, good luck trying to get her to go back. At least before they headed over to the house, Ryan got some immediate kissing. Good for him. I have a very big problem with Jen and her kissing that I’ll get to after Jerry’s hometown date. VERY big problem.
-So Jen meets Mom, Dad, and younger sister Mackenzie. Things are going well at dinner for the most part, until Mom and Dad start talking about their trip to Thailand. “We rode elephants….Golden Triangle….ancient cities….” On and on and on this snorefest went, and I think Ryan was slitting his wrists under the table. Look, when you go meet someone’s parents, inevitably they’re going to tell you a story you could give two sh**s about. That’s a given. Everybody’s parents do it. But these two old codgers wouldn’t shutup about their Thailand trip. Enough already. No one gives a crap. I actually felt bad for Ryan because you could tell Jen wanted to steal Ryan’s knife and begin slitting her own wrists. I’ve never seen a family so exicted about their vacation before. And especially sharing it with a hottie their son just brought home and is trying to impress.
-Ryan’s mom made her world famous “Barbaritos” for dinner. I had no idea what this was other than her favorite Mexican dish she likes making for when she’s on TV and her son is dating a girl that he’s trying to impress. Let me guess. If this date wasn’t televised, we wouldn’t be hearing about this ever-so-popular “Barbarito” dish she’s so proud of. But Jen seemed to like it because she likes Mexican food. Another thing she probably just said to pretend she was enjoying herself there. I think ol’ Ryno’s parents were trying just a bit too hard. And Jen seemed to notice. Thailand, Barbaritos, etc., hey, it was a bit much for me and I wasn’t even there.
-Ryan goes into the other room with his dad, and these two talk about Jen behind her back. Dad asks Ryan what color eyes Jen has. Brown. Good one. Don’t want to ever get that one wrong. In fact, if you do, you might want to immediately just put your head between your legs, head up to your room, and don’t come down for another three hours. It’s never all right to forget a birthday, or Valentine’s Day, or any anniversary, but, if you ever forget what color your woman’s eyes are, just assume you’ll hearing about it for, oh I don’t know, the rest of your life. You might as well just say, “Hey, I know we’ve been dating for three years, but tell me again, what’s your name?”
-So Ryan’s mom has this thing where everyone that comes over to the house has to sign her bathroom wall. I don’t know why, they didn’t explain why, and considering how out in left field this family is, good thing Jen didn’t ask. She just did what she was told so she could get the hell out of there as soon as possible. Wow. Either Ryan’s family has a lot of visitors and they’re running tourists through their house on a daily basis, or there were a lot of double and triple signatures on that wall. I was trying to read what Jen wrote on the wall, and here’s what I could make out: “Mr. & Mrs. Weirdos, Thank you so much for dinner. I had a wonderful time. Sorry I was in the bathroom so long, but that’s what the ‘Barbaritos’ did to me. I loved hearing the minute-by-minute description of your trip to Thailand. Thanks to you, the loss of blood is going to send me to the nearest hospital overnight. It was well worth it. Please fill me in detail for detail about your next trip to Madagascar. I can’t wait to hear it. If I’m still alive.” It got a little small at that point and I couldn’t finish reading. But I’m almost positive that’s what she wrote. Or something like that.
-But before we leave, Ryan gets a goodnight kiss by the car. And yes, Jen is continuing her trend here. Two for two. Two hometown dates, and two long goodnight kisses. However, something has definitely been missing from these first two goodnight kisses. Jerry suffers the same fate. As for Wendell, well, he doesn’t get to experience it since she has as much physical chemistry with him as she did for Fabreeze. But at least Fabreeze tried to molest her with his tongue before leaving. Gotta give the guy points for that. I guess.
-Commercial. A story ran on the 11 o’clock news out here about “Canine Cosmetic Surgery.” Only in L.A. Let me tell you something. If you’ve even considered getting plastic surgery for your dog or cat or mouse or hamster, consider yourself a loser. Why would anyone in their right mind do this? What’s the benefit? Botox for ol’ Fluffy? Maybe a tummy tuck for your overweight sloppy dog who just lays around all day doing nothing? This is unheard of. I’m afraid of people who do this. They should be checked straight into an institution. In some way, this has got to be some form of animal cruelty, doesn’t it? I mean, I don’t think Fido is signing a release form for this? Last time I checked, I’m guessing the pet didn’t have much say in the matter. People like this need to be taken out back and shot.
-Wendell’s date is up next and he’s got at least one thing going for him. He’s from Chicago, as is Jen. And Jen is excited about Wendell. How could you not be when you say things like this. Jen: “On paper, Wendell is perfect for me. He’s funny, he’s down-to-earth, and we always have a great time.” Translation: I don’t like Wendell. “On paper, he’s perfect for me?” Girls use that phrase when choosing guys? “On paper” is a commonly used phrase in the sports world. Until last night, I had no idea it was used in relationships. “On paper, Wendell’s the bestest, greatest, most wonderful guy in the world. In real life, I don’t like him.” Hmmm…I’ll have to keep my ears open for that one a little more.
-Then Jen follows up the “On paper” phrase with another beauty. Jen: “I’m always comfortable and have a good time with Wendell.” Translation: I have more sexual chemistry with the mailman than I do Wendell. Poor guy. She hasn’t even met the family yet, and the guy has no chance already. The kiss of death? “On paper”, and “comfortable and have a good time”. Why not just tell him, “I see you as such a good friend”. Oh wait. She does that at the end. Woops.
-Jen gets to meet Mom, sister, brother, brother-in-law, and someone else. And Wendell’s sister is named Wendy. Not the most creative parents we’re meeting tonight, is it? We got the Pope’s family naming everyone “J” and now a Wendell and a Wendy in the family. Judging by their ability to consume large amounts of alcohol in a short amount of time, maybe now I can see how they came about naming their children. Maybe the “Bachelor/ette” series should just eliminate the hometown dates as a whole. Have we ever met a normal family in this series? Or at least a family that didn’t do anything completely embarrassing? I don’t remember one. Just once I’d like to see a family not stoned, or drunk, or have five kids with the same first initial. Is that too much to ask for? It is? Ok, then I’ll shutup.
-So drunk Mom and drunk daughter take Jen into the kitchen so they can grill her on her previous television experience. And get more sauced. Mom: “Firestone was one of the ones I really didn’t like.” Great. Another embarrassing mother. Thanks Moms. I’m sure she wanted to rehash that. While you’re on the subject, since you seem to be such a big fan of the show, tell us who you did like? Was is that metrosexual Alex Michel? Or that horndog Bob Guiney? No, you must've been impressed with strikingly intelligent Jesse Palmer. Or how could we forget Mr. Fishing Guy, Byron. Cornering your potential future daughter-in-law and telling her you didn’t like her ex-boyfriend is the equivalent of saying, “Jen, please don’t give our son a rose at the next ceremony.” Well, at least that’s how Jen translated it.
-Wendell’s sister is skeptical as well. Wendy: “I don’t know if I could see myself having a sister-in-law in 3 weeks.” No worries, honey. Your mom’s making quite sure that won’t happen. Have another Merlot. Or ten. By far, the drunkest family we’ve ever met in the show’s history. Wow. I mean, I know they supply the men and the women when they’re living in the mansion with alcohol so they can create drama, but I didn’t realize they had the keg all set up and ready to go at Wendell’s house too. I wonder how close to Jen arriving was Mom doing keg stands and beer bongs. Someone get this woman a breathalyzer. If Momma Wendell blew anything less than a .20, I’d be shocked. And if the combined B.A.L. of the five family members was any less than 1.00, the breathalyzer was broken. Did these people know they were going to be on television? Could you at least stay sober for your son’s biggest date of his life? Stay away from the bottle Mom. Your liver’s going to explode even before Jen dumps your son.
-Now I must say, even for all the alcohol that was consumed, this was quite an observant family. Maybe having a B.A.L. three times the legal limit makes you more aware of what’s going on around you, I’m not sure. I do know they were onto Jen. His brother doesn’t want him to get hurt, and even Mom said “I don’t think Jen is into Wendell like he’s into her.” Well, it could have something to do with that bottle of Jack you polished off before she got there. Geez, while you’re at it, you should’ve told Jen about the trip you and the family took to Thailand. I’m sure that would’ve impressed the hell out of her too. No doubt. I think ABC needs to pre-screen these families before putting them on camera. Not only are they hazardous to our health, but do we really need to show our younger audience the effects that drinking can have on a family. On the “Men Tell All” episode, Wendell should fill us all in on how rehab is going for his family members.
-Commercial. I really have no interest in seeing “Hitch”. In fact, I can’t remember the last funny movie Will Smith ever made. All his good movies are the serious ones. Or, semi-serious ones. “Independence Day”, “Enemy of the State”, those I could handle. Crap like “Men in Black” and “Wild, Wild, West”, who thinks these are funny? I just think the concept behind the “M.I.B.” films is so far gone, it’s just too ridiculous to even laugh at. I don’t know. Maybe that’s just me. How come he can’t release any more singles like “Parents Just Don’t Understand”, or “I think I can beat Mike Tyson” anymore? Let’s go back to old school Fresh Prince and end this “Big Willie Style” era. He was funnier on the WB than he is in movies. Not a Will Smith fan right now.
-Jerry’s hometown date in Rochester, NY started off like we all would love to start off a hometown date. In one of our high school classrooms. Wow. What was that? You couldn’t pay me to take a first date back to my senior year Economics class that I hated with a passion. Jerry’s explanation? Jerry: “I wanted to meet her here because ever since I’ve been with her, she’s made me feel like a schoolboy.” I don’t know whether than line makes me want to puke or kick his ass. Mr. Smug is growing less and less likable as the weeks go by. Something that tells me this guy would much rather make the cover of “US Weekly” than have a wife. And I’ve gotten my hands on a copy of a song that Jerry wrote about his experience on the “Bachelorette” this season. Those lyrics will be up next week. You don’t want to miss it.
-I’m going to shorten my recap of Jerry’s hometown date, because frankly, it was uncomfortable to watch. Jerry’s mom is deaf, so watching Jen try to pretend to fit in, and Jerry saying how well she fit in, even though Jen didn’t have a damn clue as to what was going on, was frankly rather annoying. Did you notice that anytime Jen was with Jerry’s mom, and Jerry’s mom was signing to her, everything ended up in a hug? His mom must’ve hugged her fifty times. Hell, his mom got more action off her than Wendell did. Jerry obviously was not too comfortable with having Jen meet his mom, and now we know why he said he hasn’t been home in years. Just a very uncomfortable hometown date if you ask me.
-The only other exciting thing to happen on this date was they had a blackout in the city. Maybe that should’ve been a sign for things to come. And oh yeah, Jerry’s brother grilling Jen and practically throwing his brother under the bus saying he might be playing the game just to win. That was good stuff. The brother sure didn’t have the most positive things to say about Jerry, that’s for sure. Jen: “Could you see your brother with me?” Brother: “I can’t tell you ‘yes’ or ‘no’”. Good one. Sure Jerry loved to hear that. If Jen chooses Jerry, that will be easily the quickest breakup this show’s ever had. Might be the quickest breakup in dating show history. Even quicker than Rachel and Caleb from “For Love or Money 4”, who didn’t even make it til’ the finale aired before they ended things. And Rachel’s due for her Playboy shoot any moment now, so I’ll keep you updated if I hear anything.
-But as she’s leaving, Jen gives Jerry her mouth like she did two other guys, and it became glaringly evident what is missing from this season: Jen’s tongue. Does she let any of these guys clean her teeth? My god. Maybe that’s why this season has been so boring. Not saying she needs to whore herself out or anything, but could we have some hot and steamy make out scenes. I think the only time anyone got to lick her tonsils was Jerry when they were on the boat. I watched all three guys she kissed last night, and not one got to completely swallow her face. What’s her deal? Is she a virgin? Does she think tongue hockey is going to lead to pregnancy? What’s this chick’s problem? Start sucking face or I’m gonna stop watching. Yeah right. Who am I kidding? I am thoroughly disappointed in Jen’s kissing skills. Hell, she gave Firestone CPR whenever he wanted it. Why are these guys getting the short end of the stick here? Booooooooooooo…….
-Going into the rose ceremony, all four guys think they’re getting a rose. Of course they do. Who doesn’t? Everyone’s hometown date went great, everyone’s parents loved Jen, Jen loved everyone’s parents, no one thought they’re parents boring stories about walking the streets of Thailand scared her off. No one thought that the .35 their mother blew after Jen had any effect on the outcome of her decision. All the guys were completely confident they were getting a rose. And Host Chris tells them how important this night is: “Guys…this is a very difficult, and important night….there are four of you, and only three roses….one of you will be going home tonight.” Well, when you put it like that Chris, in its simplest terms, that is just heart stopping. Thank you for your subtraction skills. Go get a sucker from the teacher.
-Time to hand out the roses. Jen: “Thank you for welcoming me into your homes….I firmly believe the family makes the man….this is a difficult decision….and sorry Wendell, I have a feeling you’re an alcoholic….thanks for everything….”
John Paul: She liked the boots. And that crazy upper lip of his.
Jerry: Blah.
-Host Chris: “Ryan….this is the final rose tonight. Wendell has no chance. When you’re ready Jen.”
Ryan: Apparently his family was the lesser of two evils. She can deal with the bad travelling stories and the signage on the wall over dealing with alcoholism.
-Jen told the camera what all of us knew since the first night regarding Wendell. Jen: “There was just not an attraction there.” Gee, ya think? But hell, not like Wendell missed out on something all the other guys were getting. Pecks on the lips? No thanks. I’ll pass. Can’t wait to see what happens next week on the fantasy dates. Some guy will be lucky to hold her hand. And if she does choose to spend the night with one of them, she’ll probably ask for separate beds.
-Next week, not only do we get the fantasy dates, but it’s the first time we hear that ol’ favorite line of “I’m falling in love with more than one guy.” Really? I couldn’t tell. Sure fooled me. And which guys would those be? I can’t for the life me figure out how you could possibly be falling in love with more than one of those guys when there’s barely been any spit being swapped. I bet Firestone is just sitting back and taking all of this in, laughing his ass off, while Emmy Rossum sits at his side and feeds him strawberries. Geez Andy, I know the girl’s attractive but are you that desperate to go to a Senior Prom? She’s 18 for christ sakes. And what about the Playmates and strippers you were dating? What happened to those classy individuals? What a weird crop of women this guy’s going through. Jen Schefft, Playmates, strippers, now Emmy Rossum. Hmmm…who’s next? Let’s just wait a couple weeks, and I’m sure we’ll find out. Until next week…..
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