6.2.03 6.9.03 6.16.03 6.23.03 6.30.03 7.7.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 1 6.16.03 I saw Knob on NBC’s Morning show yesterday morning, and let me just say, he came across very different being interviewed by Matt Lauer than he has on the show. On the show, we’ve seen him become a horrible drunk, he’s a man of few words, a guy with absolutely no game whatsoever, and someone you’d beg your daughter not to marry. So yesterday with Matt, I was expecting more of the same. And I got it all right. He’s ten times more boring in person than he is on the show. How this guy was chosen from a pool of eligible bachelors is beyond me. He must have pictures of some higher up execs at NBC or something. Anyway, let’s begin….. -Immediately when I sit down into my comfort zone as the show starts, I’m hit with Laura in a bikini glistening in the sun with her fake rack. Damn. How have I not noticed this in the first two episodes. You know what else I didn’t notice? Her horrible acne-ridden face. That’s what roids will do to ya.’ -Since Laura was the first one up, she gets to bring Knobbie breakfast in bed. So since her sorry ass can’t cook, she goes to wake Lauren up, and Lauren makes Knob breakfast for Laura to deliver. Getting confused? Ok, how about we just call Laura “Popeye”, and Lauren “Bed head” from here on out since the girl hasn’t had a good hair in probably 5 years. Good god. Brush that thing. -Popeye is thrilled that Bed head is doing all the cooking while she does shit. How nice of Bed head. What if it’s the best breakfast Knob’s ever had? You think Popeye will tell him that Bed head made it? Didn’t think so. She’ll take all the credit. Surprised she didn’t serve him a protein shake, some horse pills, and a bottle of creatine. -Popeye arrives at Knob’s room to deliver the food. She cuddles up next to him on the bed while she watches him eat. Very exciting stuff. When does the morning sex start? Who cares about watching this guy eat? By the way, with Popeye in that sundress, you can really get a glimpse of those monster thick, linebacker legs of hers. She has leg muscles bigger than Paige’s whole body. Wow. She could do some serious damage to Knob if he’s on top. Be afraid. Be very afraid. -Knob: “It’s nice to start your day with a beautiful woman next to you.” I totally agree. But last time I checked, Trista or Jen or Kirsten wasn’t next to him, so I don’t know where he got that thought from. In fact, I’m shocked the guy even had a thought at all. And by the way Knob, if you do end up marrying her, she won’t be that beautiful every morning either. Especially when she’s off her cycle. -Jailbait was jealous that Laura got more alone time with Knob again. Teenage girls get jealous when their man starts paying attention to other women? No way. How Jailbait reacts to this could determine her outcome. Will she dance with another guy at the formal to turn the tables and make him jealous? Will she make out with another guy behind the lunch tables? Or will she do a one-on-one skate with another guy at “Skatenight” while Knob is watching? “Skatenight” was always a classic. Didn’t you love how if two people held hands during the one-on-one skate, everyone would assume they liked each other? Nevermind neither one of the two even looked at each other the whole time "Careless Whisper” by Wham was playing. For three minutes I’d hold hands with someone, pissing my pants praying I wouldn’t fall down, only to have every other 7th or 8th grader in the school staring at me the whole time. Yeah, that wasn’t nerve racking at all. And could my palms possibly have gotten any more sweatier over the course of those three minutes? And what happened when it was over? You went to your friends, she went to hers, and you talked about how each other’s hand felt. If “Skatenight” didn’t end in some tongue action, I considered it a failure. -One last beef I had with “Skatenight”. Who are these jokers who were the freakin’ skate police during songs? These clowns would come whizzing by you at 90mph just to show you who’s boss. “Hey you, quit skating in between the two girls! If you don’t stop, I’ll have to blow my whistle at you!” And if they were really cool, during a down time, they’d skate backwards. OOOOOHHHHHH!!!!! Watch out now. He’s going backwards. Hope you fall and break your neck you tard. Why do I know that anyone who was ever part of the skate police is now working “EVENT STAFF” at free concerts? -Popeye boasts about getting to bring Knob breakfast. “The early bird truly does get the worm.” Couldn’t have said it better myself Laura. So is she calling him the worm, or is she calling his unit a worm? I wonder. I’d say both. -Commercial. Some show called “Las Vegas” starts in the fall on NBC. Vanessa Marcil from “Beverly Hills 90210” fame is in it, as is Nikki Cox. Holy shit. We have a Nikki Cox sighting. Please don’t tell me she’s still married to Bobcat Goldthwait. About five years ago, Nikki Cox was the hottest thing on television. Tall, fiery red hair, unbelievable rack….she had it all. And her name was Nikki Cox. Yeah, sure it was. Why even put yourself through that torture? -Five girls left and Knob is going on two double dates today. The first one will be with Jailbait and Kelly the Beyotch. The Beyotch immediately goes upstairs to get ready, while Jailbait acts very Jailbait-ish by walking around humming, “I-I-I-I’m goin’ on a d-a-a-a-a-a-a-te”. Does she have a curfew? -The date has both of them going up in a helicopter with Knob. They arrive to meet Knob and Kelly has jeans on with the bottoms rolled up like she’s expecting a flood or something. For someone who’s that image conscious, that choice of style was cool about 1989. Like Knob cares. She could have on a raincoat and he wouldn’t change his expression either way. -Knob: “I’m really looking forward to being alone with Paige today.” Oh I bet you are, perv. Nothing like exposing your love for underage girls on national television. Is he gonna try to do the grope thing again? Is she gonna buy it again? Does she realize when he was in 7th grade, she was just being born? And when he was attending his senior prom, she was repeating the sounds that a pig makes? That’s unbelievable. -Kelly the Beyotch gives her favorite bullshit line of, “Of course the million dollars is there, but I’m really into him.” Is it too late for this show to win some editing awards? I mean, to file through hours and hours and hours of the ladies dogging on this guy, they must’ve turned in some real late nights actually finding footage of them saying something positive about this dillweed. -After the helicopter trip, the three of them have lunch and there’s a special box that Jailbait gets to open. Inside are pictures and memories from Knob’s past up to the present. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! ANOTHER POEM GUY!!!!! Are you kidding me with this? Do all male reality show contestants have to turn out to be nutless, wanna-be poets? I mean, did you see some of that material? Good Lord. Hey Knob, don’t quit your day job. Oh wait, you can’t. They already shitcanned you. Woops. -Of course, Jailbait the Guppie went into full melting stage at this point. “Oh my God! These are soooooo good! Can I keep one?” Are you sure, honey? I mean, it could be hazardous to your health. Knob must be on cloud nine with this chick. He could shoot heroin right in front of her and she’d still probably think it was a way for him to show his love for her. I wonder if Jailbait has ever been on a date that didn’t consist of any of these 3 things: 1) A chaperone 2) another couple, or 3) party hats and pizza. -“This was the best date I’ve ever been on in my life.”—Jailbait. You mean your ex taking you to the malt shop after the movies wasn’t better than this? You mean renting a movie and watching it in the room your boyfriend shared with his brother didn’t live up to the hype? Jailbait is a lost cause. -As Jailbait stupidly excuses herself from the limo to go to the bathroom, Knob immediately pounces on the Beyotch. Could she have been anymore ignorant? Forget I asked. When she returns, Knob the prince turns into Knob the pig when he starts ripping Jailbait for being, well, Jailbait. “You’re only 21. You’re too young for me.” Great production work here as they slow the camera down as it settles in. Jailbait is on the verge of a Liz breakdown. Someone help her. Now. -Commercial. Rob Lowe is back in the Fall with a show called the “Lyon’s Den.” Looks pretty good. Although it was good the first time around when it was called “The West Wing.” You know what’s hilarious about Rob Lowe? How that guy completely skated from videotaping himself having sex with an underage girl? Did he ever do time for that? What, like 18 hours of community service? Maybe picked up a few pieces of trash at the mall? Pretty hard to believe that in his acting prime, this guy was caught in an Atlanta hotel videotaping himself banging some teenager. And no one ever brings this up anymore. I feel it’s my duty to remind those that may have forgotten. Of course people forgot. This is America. We forgive anybody. Everyone ridicules and makes fun of Hilary Clinton for not leaving Slick Willie after “Hummergate”, yet there she is selling 200,000 advanced copies of her book last week. You people realize she doesn’t reveal a damn thing in that book, don’t you? Anyway, congrats to Rob for that conquest and screwing every member of the Brat Pack growing up. Nailing Molly Ringwald, Ally Sheedy, and Demi Moore back in the day was a true accomplishment. You rock. Ally Sheedy now weighs 14 pounds I think. Weird girl. -Second double date goes to Laura & Lauren, or better yet, Popeye and Bed head. Somewhat surprising since Erin is the best looking one and he’s choosing not to get any time with her……. -……spoke too soon. He tells Erin he didn’t want her on the double date because he wanted more time alone with her. Who doesn’t he want alone time with? Erin is in a tank top and short shorts when he tells her this, which immediately brings to mind two thoughts: 1) she never needs to wear a bra, and 2) she hands down wins the title of “Skinniest Reality Show Chick”. Olive Oil can’t possibly be more than 60 pounds soaking wet. -Popeye and Bed head hop into the limo for their dates, both wearing sundresses, and both coming very close to showing all of America if they’re wearing matching thongs. Could the cameraman strategically placed himself any better in that limo? Nice going dude. A bonus check for you when the show ends. -Knob decides he’d like to show us his dancing “skills” by taking the girls to “The Derby”. Can’t say I’ve ever been there. However, I have been to “The Boogie.” What a gang infested, white trash hang out that place has turned into. Why couldn’t they keep it “Cowboy Boogie” where all the hot blondes in their tight jeans and boots showed up every week looking for some redneck to go hoe down with? Two of my friends met their future wives at “Cowboy Boogie”, and I never got past asking one chick to dance only to have her tell me she was a lesbian. Hey, isn’t that the line I’m supposed to use when she says she doesn’t want to dance with me? Getting outsmarted at a club is never a good feeling. -Plus, swing dancing is so 50 years ago, I just can’t bring myself to do it. “Wrong Steve. Swing is very popular nowadays. A lot of couples go Swing dancing.” Sorry. Just can’t get into it. I like contemporary dance. Did I just say that? Where the hell did that come from? I don’t even know what I just said. I don’t even know what contemporary dance means. Just sounded good. The only dance I’m truly interested in doing on the weekends is the horizontal mambo. Hell, I’ll teach those classes. Sorry. That was very piggish of me. -Time for Knob’s solo date with Olive Oil. He takes her down on the beach somewhere in Malibu and practically mames himself in the process stepping down from a couple of rocks. A walk on the beach and…surprise, surprise….a canopy is set up so they can have dinner underneath it. Knob loves to gaze into her eyes and say absolutely nothing. A real charmer he’s turned out to be. -Olive Oil: “Rob has a lot of diverse sides to him.” He does? He’s shown these to you? You sure you’re not mixing him up with someone who actually has a personality, a brain, emotions, isn’t a lush, and can speak in complete sentences? Just checking, sweetie. -Olive Oil: “I’d say earlier I was 90% into taking the million, and 10% into Rob. Now I think it’s about 60%-40% in favor of taking the million to taking Rob.” Translation: Does that money come in a check or money order, and how soon can I cash it? -Jailbait and the Beyotch corner Olive Oil after the date grilling her to see if Knob felt her up. If anybody was reading this for the first time, and that last sentence was the first sentence they read, I’m guessing their reaction would be, “What the hell is this guy talking about? Does he need help?” Answer: Nothing of major importance and yes, immediately someone call the medics. -Jailbait’s still jealous because she thinks Olive Oil is lying about the date. Basically they’re curious as to why Knob stuck his tongue down their mouths at every chance he could get, yet had Olive Oil alone on a date at the beach, and never tried to violate her as a woman at any time. They’re onto him. Knob better get some action from the Oil as soon as possible before she completely freezes up. -Before the Elimination round, they show all the girls working out again. Why do they feel the need to show us this? Bed head is doing some situps, Olive Oil is on the treadmill, and Popeye is bench pressing couches. This is one of the oddest scenes they show every week. I don’t need to see these ladies getting ready to be eliminated by working out. How about showing them coming out of the shower or something? Or at least taking 3 hours to get dressed? Doing pushups isn’t going to keep you on the show longer as evidenced by Popeye in complete marathon training only to be…..well, you know. -All the girls get one final chance to speak to the Knob before he eliminates one. Basically, instead of getting a cheesy video message they get to say something in person to him. Popeye tells him, “There’s obviously an undeniable connection between us.” Knob’s reply, “I’m a lawyer. I plead the fifth.” If that wasn’t a sign right there, I don’t know what was. Then in the next breath, he tells us, “I find it attractive that she’s so aggressive.” Yeah, you sure act like it. Considering she squeeze the life right out of you with her legs, I’m guessing this is a chick you don’t want being aggressive with you. Especially if she forgot to use the needle that day. Huge mood swings, violent, bad temper….stay away Knob. She’ll kill you. -Olive Oil gave him a note basically thanking him for their date on the beach. Nice gesture. She didn’t have to do that. Although maybe getting some stationary paper to write on would’ve been nice, instead of notepad paper that she ripped from her spiral notebook. Very classy. Spiral notebooks were the downfall of my educational career. The hours and hours of time I spent screwing with those things trying to straighten them out, or trying to unhook them from other spiral notebooks they attached to prevented me from learning anything between 5th and 8th grade. What a horrible invention. Along with the protractor and compass. Before every single school year I bought one of those, and at the end of every year, they had gone completely unused. So what did I do the next year? You guessed it. I bought a new one. -The best thing about a compass is I never ripped a whole in my homework trying to spin that mini pencil around trying to make a circle. To this day, I still don’t know how to use that thing. Do you spin the compass around the paper, or do you set down the compass, and just spin the paper underneath? And could the compass point have been any sharper please? I could’ve hunted wild boar with that thing. Geometry sucks. Time to Eliminate one of these fine, upstanding, young (and old) citizens…. Beyotch- For the 100th time this show, she told us that the money is becoming less and less of an issue and she’s really falling for Knob. Translation: She wants the money. Olive Oil- Stays, although she seems about as interested in Knob as I am. Bed head- Surprisingly, she stays since she’s said from the minute this show started that she’s after the money. Although he has no idea about this….yet. Jailbait- She tells him she didn’t want to embarrass herself by saying something stupid, which is why she didn’t stop by to say anything to him. To which he says, “Well, I hope I don’t embarrass myself.” Too late, big boy. There hasn’t been a moment in three episodes where you haven’t made a complete ass of yourself. He says, “When I was kissing you, I forgot where I was.” Huh? Is that a compliment? Anyway, how can the chicks he’s already kept who are waiting at the top of the steps, hear what he’s saying to her. Are there microphones everywhere? They’re reacting to everything he says. And considering he speaks at a tone lower than Tobey Macguire, even cranking the mics up to full blast wouldn’t do anything. And oh yeah, he keeps Jailbait around. -One girl left. That’s Popeye. Popeye is no longer. Knob: “I don’t really know why I’m letting you go, I just am. I think I just see a greater possibility of long term commitment from the other girls.” Translation: I’m afraid of your giant muscles. Jailbait just got done throwing her graduation cap in the air….from high school! Popeye is 34, wanting a relationship, yet Knob thinks the Bait is more committed. Great cop out. Hope she kicked his ass after the show. -Popeye: “He’s just a guy. It’s just a million dollars.” Sure it is. Do you know how many needles, syringes, and horse pills she could’ve stocked up on with a million bucks? She’ll definitely be sorry later. Time to go pump some iron. Or squat 1,000 pounds. -Next week, the big secret is revealed….Knob is an emotionless android that was created just for this show. Kidding. He finds out that the ladies were told the winner gets a million. I’m just curious to see if even this brings out an ounce of emotion in this guy. My guess: no. He still thinks they all want him and not the money. Not quite buddy. Outside of Jailbait, these chicks are planning their Maui vacations as we speak. Rumor has it that if Jailbait wins, she chooses Knob, and they go on an all expense paid night on the town culminating at Chuck-E-Cheese. That needs to be televised.
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