6.2.03 6.9.03 6.16.03 6.23.03 6.30.03 7.7.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 1 6.2.03 I had no idea what to expect coming into this show. Fresh off “The Bachelor”, and still waiting on a start time for “Temptation Island 3”, I needed something to kill the time. And boy did this junk ever do the trick. The worse these shows are, the better it is to write about. Granted, not nearly as many people probably watched this show as the “Bachelor”, but I tell you what, that’s their fault. This was awesome. Awesome as in “Holy–crap-I-just-spent-two-hours-having-the-life-sucked-out-of-me” bad. I’ll get to our flatlining bachelor in a little bit. Let’s start off with the women. Well, at least the ones that made some impression on me right off the bat…. -First girl we meet is Alima. She’s 26. She’s a virgin. “What better gift to give my potential….” Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some guy on “Mr. Personality” already ran that bullshit. Alima, we certainly respect you have the courage to come on this show. And we certainly respect the fact you’ve held out for 26 years to have a man on top of you. However, in case you never read the bylaws, virgins aren’t allowed on marriage shows. Goodbye, and leave your chastity belt at the front door. -Paige was next. She says she’s a real friendly person that can talk to anyone. “One minute I can strike up a conversation with the trash man, and the next minute I can talk to the President of Wal Mart.” Congratulations. Any man would be lucky to have someone who posesses those skills. Wal Mart? She could’ve said the President of the United States. She could’ve said the Pope. She could’ve said anybody with position of power, and she chose the President of Wal Mart. White trash. And Paige brought some 6th grade art to the show too. Is this show-and-tell? -Melanie is the hispanic looking girl who said she’s been proposed to five times already, and she’s looking for this show to make it six. Well Melanie, if you don’t do something about that god awful, Lisa Lisa and the Cult Jam feathered hair of yours, I can guarantee you that won’t be happening. -Laura is the oldest of all these ladies at the age of 34. I wanted to officially start calling her the Mother Cristina of this show, until I find out our boy Rob is 33. Damn. That’s no fun. Now I’m going to have to find the youngest girl and start calling her Jail Bait. And by the way, Laura is a personal trainer who could kick any of the other girls asses’ with her pinky. Easy on the roids, lady. -Kelly made an immediate impression because she was such a shallow, conceiteed, self-centered, superficial little bitch. She arrived wearing daisy duke shorts with knee high white boots. Considering their palace was in Bel Air, she was more suited to hike it a few blocks over to Sunset and prostitute herself there. This chick is going to get on my nerves. A lot. -Kirstin is a midwestern girl with that “I’m-like-the-girl-that-every-guy-wants-to-hang-with” attitude. “I’ll take a beer over champagne any day.” Really? Would you? And while you’re getting’ a beer, fix me some dinner, and wash the damn dishes. I’m kidding. -So they’ve just ran through all fifteen girls and only about six made any sort of impression on me. That’s not good. Once they arrive at the palace, the girls start picking out their rooms and who their roommates are. This doesn’t really interest me. I couldn’t keep track of who ended up rooming with who, and frankly, unless these roommates are sharing one bed and we have footage of it, I don’t give a rat’s ass who became friends early on. They’ll all hate each other in less than 24 hours anyway. -This host who looks like Will from “Will and Grace”, tells the ladies to meet downstairs in an hour for an announcement. They ask what to wear, and he says they don’t need to get dressed, but they can if they want. Of course this sets off a four alarm fire with these girls trying to figure out what to wear. So some of the skanks come downstairs in stonewash jean mini skirts, and some come down in prom dresses. A variety of trash to say the least. -Will tells them the rules of the game. Winner gets a million dollars, but, the bachelor knows nothing about it, and they’re not allowed to tell. The girls looked shocked. Yeah, like they didn’t know this going in. When they panned around the room at this point to show all the ladies’ reactions, I noticed something. I’d take Zorah, Trista, and Jen over every single one of these chicks everyday of the week, and twice on Sundays. Let’s face it, ABC pulls hotties for their shows and Fox goes for the slutty looking women. Considering this is NBC’s first foray into a reality dating show, well, it really showed with their choice of women. Absolutely nothing of high quality. I’d love to see the piss poor ratings this show gets as the show goes on. -The host gives each girl a fake $1 million dollar check with their name on it to hold in their hand. One girl says, “I came here to find true love. I wish there wasn’t a million dollar prize.” Uh huh. I’m sure you’ll be saying that if you make it to the end of the show too. For those that don’t know, although it hasn’t been told to them yet, the winner will have to choose between the man, or the million dollars. They don’t get both. And I hate to give away my thoughts before it’s time, but, what the hell? If any one of these women thinks this guy is worth turning down a million bucks for, they should be doused with 10 gallons of kerosene and lit on fire. -Wait a second. A new girl has jumped out at me. It’s Christy the beauty queen from the South. Christy won a couple pageants back where she’s from. What kind of pageants I don’t know, but they certainly couldn’t have been beauty pageants considering the nine chins she’s carrying around in that Jack-in-the-Box face of hers. Christy isn’t attractive. And Christy has orange skin from fake baking about 14 hours a day. -Superficial Kelly makes a joke about wanting to cash her check now. Problem is, you know she wasn’t kidding. I mean, it’s so obvious to everyone that Kelly needs a new pair of Gucci pumps with the open toes by tomorrow night. Like, hello? I think Kelly is now on my list of “People I’d Like to Beat with a Shovel.” -One of these dolts comments about how this is the closest she’s come to ever holding a million dollars in her hand. Excuse me, blondie, ummm…that’s fake. That’s not a real check. You can’t cash it. It’s kind of like play money. You know, from like Monopoly or something. That’s no closer to being a million dollar check in your hand than if you just took a piece of paper and wrote “$ 1 million” on it and gave it to yourself. I’m eating my own hand right now. -Host takes the checks back from the girls and puts it in a safe box. Thank you very much. God forbid anyone stole a fake million dollar check. Imagine what they could do with that thing. Gee. Imagine if that same person stole all 15 checks? They could go out, cash all of them, and NBC would be out 15 mil. Oh my God! Somebody do something! “I know! We’ll lock them up so no one can take them, and we’ll give them back to the girls to throw away once they’re eliminated.” Great idea. Yes, I could be producing this show. -The girls are left on their own to talk about what just happened and Superficial Kelly says, “A million dollars really isn’t that much. Most people I know, their annual salary is over a million dollars.” Excactly who are you hanging with Kelly, and how many of them have you slept with? One quick chop to the back of the head with the back end of the shovel is all I’m asking. -Erin makes a comment that, “If we all wanted to, we could get a guy with a million dollars to marry us.” Oh really? Didn’t realize it was so easy there, Ms. Warbucks. Then let’s see you pull this off. Problem is, Erin is probably the most attractive of the 15 girls, will end up winning this thing, and I’ll look like an ass. Again. Through a little birdie, I heard that Erin is the daughter of former NFL quarterback, John Brodie. Not that anyone knows or cares who John Brodie is, I just thought I’d throw that in there to make it look like I have inside information when I really don’t have shit other than way too much time on my hands and I’m glad I’ve made this the biggest run-on sentence in the history of mankind because my 5th grade English teacher would be proud. I’m typing this on Microsoft Word, and the minute I hit the period on that last sentence, it underlined the whole thing. Basically the computer just told me, “Look dumbass, that’s four sentences you just threw together in one. Quit fucking around.” No, thank you. -It’s now the afternoon before they meet Mr. Bachelor dork, and some of the girls are deciding to work out. Huh? What’s this gonna do? Five situps before you meet the guy and you think somehow you’ll develop a six pack? Do women really think like this? I thought only guys did that kind of stuff? Oh stop it. Every guy’s been there. You know, done the ol’ pushups before getting in the pool trick, or made sure to show the ball of your bicep at some point during the night. At least I hope that’s what most guys have done. If not, I feel like a complete idiot. -The girls are getting ready for the bachelor to arrive and they’re showing clips of them 3 HOURS BEFORE THE DATE!!! 3 HOURS!!!! Here’s what a guy will do 3 hours before a date: Shower, get dressed, brush their teeth, masturbate, then watch TV for the next 2 hours and 45 minutes. C’mon. 3 hours. If I ever found out anyone took 3 hours to get ready for me, I’d probably just put the wedding ring on her right then and head straight to Vegas because that chick ain’t never leaving my sight. That’s a keeper. -The moment we’ve all been waiting for. Our bachelor, Mr. Rob Campos. Rob’s 33, lives in Dallas, Texas, and he’s a defense attorney. For those that didn’t see him, let me give you an idea of what he looks like. If you take “Billy” from Melrose Place and Evan Mariott from “Joe Millionaire”, and squish their faces together, you get Rob Campos. -Rob was once in the Marine Core. Well, then it’s a given Rob will be going after all chicks younger than about 23. I think that’s part of the vow they take when sworn into the Marines. “As a Marine, one must wear my outfit to the closest teenage nightclub and hit on every barely legal girl in the room.” I hated Marines for that. Nothing like going to “Kokomo’s”, getting dressed up, look pretty damn good if you don’t mind me saying, then having every girl at the club fawn over some Marine guy who’s looking to get laid by as many women as possible for the week he’s at shore. God that pissed me off. Go away Marine guy. I’m trying to grind on some chick while “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails is playing. Best sexual club song ever. EVER. Worked all the time. The club could be playing the freakin’ Muppets theme song before it, but the minute “Closer” by NIN came on, every chick in the place was begging to have some guy dry hump her on the dance floor. And I tried not to disappoint. Sorry. I’m getting completely carried away here. -With Rob being 33 years old, I think he becomes the oldest bachelor to ever appear on one of these shows. Should we all be concerned that a fairly good looking defense attorney from Dallas is unmarried at the age of 33? Hey, just asking. -Time to really get to know Rob as we get to hear him speak for the first time. Needless to say, he makes “Joe Millionaire” sound like Shakespeare. Here was the first conversation he had with the host: Host: (as they enter the palace) : “Here’s where the ladies are staying. Pretty nice place, huh?” Rob: “Nice.” Host: “You’ll wait outside and I’ll bring the girls to you one by one.” Rob: “Sounds good.” Host: “Is that easy enough for you?” Rob: “Easy enough for me.” Don’t let the personality all come out at once big boy. This isn’t going to go well for Rob. I have a sneaky suspicion he’s got the social skills of a flea. -1st girl he meets is Alima the Virgin. She even admits she has a lot of pent up frustration. Well Alima, don’t get your hopes up. I can’t believe the screening process for this show. Do they honestly want to make us believe a virgin actually has a chance to win this thing? C’mon now. -Paige is next. He and her are both from Dallas. Whooopeeeeee!!!!! He actually has something in common with someone. “Paige was really nice and had some spunk about her.” Yeah, about 1,000 times more spunk than you had. Spunk will get Paige to the next round I believe. -He tells the next chick that he likes her dress. Nice compliment. Then he follows it with, “It looks like the rug.” Are you serious with this guy? This was the best they could come up with? This guy will talk his way right out of finding true love. -He says he likes Christina’s dress because “it was low-cut, and had a piece of metal.” This is seriously becoming painful to watch. I thought Evan Mariott was the biggest neanderthal with no game walking the planet. Nope. Rob easily beats him at that game. Rob is a dolt. -Someone might want to wake Rob up and tell him he’s on national TV. I literally think he’s falling asleep. No emotion, he has the most monotonous, boring voice I’ve ever heard….no wonder the guy is 33 years old and single. Zzzzzzzzzz……Wake me if his excitement level rises above negative 10. -Christy the beauty queen looks ravishing tonight. Pretty dress, hair looks nice, her makeup is on perfectly, and her orange skin just glistens in the night lights. -Blond Melissa needs to calm down. She’s talking 1,000 miles an hour trying to turn everything into a joke. Then again, it’s all completely flying over Rob’s head. He’s completely intrigued by this bobblehead. Melissa is this show’s version of Liz the Wreck. -Laura the fitness trainer has implants. She also has the legs of a linebacker and guns that rival the local steroid freak at the gym. Holy smokes. Does she take her pills manually or does she just shoot them into her ass every morning? Why do I have a feeling the minute she loses this competition, we’ll still be seeing Laura on TV. Trust me. Just turn on ESPN2 some mid-afternoon the summer, and she’ll be right there in her leotard doing one armed pushups and pulling her leg back behind her head all while grooving out to “Let’s Get Physical” by Olivia Newton John. -Tracy is a southern girl who used to live in Albany, Georgia. Oh my God! So did Rob! Another one he has something in common with! Match made in heaven. Foreshadowing: Calm down Tracy. You’re done. -I love how after every girl walked away to head downstairs, he looked them up and down like a piece of meat. Very subtle there daddy. Why not just lick your lips and howl at them like a construction worker too? -Catherine’s up next. We don’t know Catherine yet, but, he asks her, “Do you like my magic carpet?” Unbelievable. I didn’t realize that not only can accidentally swallowing a bottle of iodine cause vomiting, hallucination, diarrhea, and high fever, but so can watching Rob try to make small talk with a woman he just met. This is sick. -Kelly is the last girl. Last girl, ugliest dress. She looks like a cow. However, she baked him some cookies that he started eating the minute she left like he was 2 years old and Mom just left the kitchen. Somebody get a new guy in here please. I can’t watch him anymore. -He’s gone through all of them. 15 girls are down below as he stands above them to look down at the overview of all his women. You know why he did this, right? Exactly. So he could look down their tops. It’s an old trick. Like when I used to ride up and down the elevator in the women’s department at Robinson’s May. Uhhhhh….. -They sporadically gives us clips of the women giving their opinion of Rob and everyone loves him. Here are some words used to describe him: gorgeous, charming, funny, intelligent….whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop right there. Are they watching the same show I am? Did they actually meet the same person I just saw? Charming? I guess one word answers are charming. Intelligent? So telling every single girl, “Thanks for coming” is intelligent? I’m completely lost as to what women find attractive in men. This show has ruined everything for me. -Superficial Kelly and roommate Christy get shitfaced and don’t go to bed until 5am. They run up and down the halls screaming, waking the other girls up, and the they’re not happy about it. And oh yeah, Christy wrote “Big, fat piece of meat” on one of Paige’s works of art. You’re kidding, right? Is she four? At least she’s honest and we know what she’s after. -Rob the knob gives them a surprise visit at lunch to get one last time with them before eliminating five. Basically, his last time to make sure he definitely sends home the five worst looking girls. Nothing more, nothing less. -Orange skin Christy says this trip was her first time on an airplane. Confirming once again that the beauty pageants she has won were within a 5 mile radius of her home. Christy, not good. -Tracy from the South found a “spark in his personality”. You did? Where? When? At what time? Did you document this? He could’ve had had some lighter fluid, a book of matches, been standing at a gasoline pump, and he still couldn’t have created any sort of spark. -Paige has a tongue ring. Uh oh. She’s a keeper. However, she also has a promise ring on her finger. She gave it to herself as a vow of celibacy because she’s not ready to be sexually involved with someone until she’s in love. Ouch. Her chances have just plummeted quicker than Jerry Springer’s ratings. For about a month, that guy’s show was the hottest thing in America. Then these numbskulls realized every episode was exactly the same. The 3 toothed blonde overweight bimbo was going to pick a fight with her 75 pound husband’s mistress who was 10 times uglier than her. Same shit every freakin’ episode and people loved it. For a month. And by the way, Paige felt the need to tell us, she’s not a virgin just because she has the celibacy ring on. Oh, ok. Thank you for clearing that up. So, you love yourself some sex, you’re just not gonna screw just any guy. Only guys where you have a chance to clear a million bucks from. Gotcha. -They keep hyping this secret room at the end of the show. How do I know this will be the biggest disappoint thus far? It’s a given. -Here are the five girls he dumped. By the way, even more painful to watch this because he actually had to talk to every one of these girls before he told them to stay or that he didn’t want them around. My temperature reached 109 degrees at this point….. 1) Catherine- something was missing with her. No chemistry there. Great. I think you could’ve said that for all 15 of them you dolt. 2) Christina- know nothing about her. She did say her life was richer because of this experience though. Huh? You lasted a day missie. 3) Christy the orange skinned beauty queen- for obvious reasons. 4) Tracy the Southern girl- first one to cry. I have no idea why. I think something was caught in her eye. 5) Final Two: Paige the Celibacy queen and Christy the lush- Paige is up first. He tells her that her being 21 is too young for him, but she says she’s dated guys older than him and it’s gone real well. Bullshit. No 34 year old guy would ever consider dating a 21 year old if he wasn’t getting sex. That’s not an opinion, that’s fact. Regardless, seems like Knob changed his mind right on the spot. After listing off every reason why he didn’t think it would work out, he asked to stick around. She jumped into his arms like a giddy 6th grader getting her first boyfriend. Christy the lush is gone. -The informal way he asks these girls to stay or go is terrible. I think the idea was good, but the fact this guy has to let out more than two sentences to each of these girls is painful to watch. He says the same thing to every one he wants to keep, “I don’t know…I just want to talk to you more….I’d like to, you know, go out and have fun”. Makes me appreciate Andy’s “Will you accept this rose?” that much more. -Final commercial break. Whoa. Did anyone watch this “Fame” show last week? I guess I was one of 23 million that didn’t. Someone needs to let Debbie Allen drink from the fountain of youth or something. She looks about 137 years old. -The big secret room turned out to be much ado about nothing. Every losing girl has to take her fake check and throw it in the fire. Wow. What a big secret room that turned out to be. You mean, by them throwing it in the fire, that was supposed to show them how close they came to a million dollars? Sure showed them, didn’t ya? -Scenes from next weeks show has Knob apologizing to the ladies for his behavior. He’ll eliminate another five next week. With ten girls left, I can honestly say I have no clue who’ll win this thing, I have no clue who’ll even make the final two, and I don’t care what happens to any of these people for the rest of their lives. Paige is even shown quoting the immortal Missy Elliott asking, “Is worth it?” Couldn’t have said it better myself honey. “Is it worth it, let me work it, put my thang down flip it and reverse it…….”
©2003 realitysteve.com. All opinions expressed on realitysteve.com are those of its writers only.