6.2.03 6.9.03 6.16.03 6.23.03 6.30.03 7.7.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 1 6.23.03 Ok, once again, before I get started I must address something totally unrelated to the show. Two weeks ago, the disturbing site of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher on the cover of “People” magazine basically scarred me for life. Then I hear the two of them show up at the premiere of “Charlie’s Angels” last Monday together…..with Bruce Willis!!!! What the hell is going on here? This is not normal people. Ex-husbands don’t show up in public with their ex-wife and her teenage boyfriend. Sorry. Doesn’t happen in the real world. Anyway, another magazine cover I caught yesterday has me completely questioning where I take my life from here. Last week, Rolling Stone put Clay Aiken on the cover. That’s not necessarily bad in and of itself, but I’m questioning more or less what he was wearing. A see through shirt, with the bottom two buttons unbuttoned showing off his pale, bony stomach? Huh? Who thought this was a good idea? And what took the cake was Clay’s “W.W.J.D.” bracelet he had on. Well, I tell you what Clay, Jesus certainly wouldn’t appear on the cover of a national magazine wearing that blouse you had on. Clay Aiken is living proof that no matter how feminine or sexually confused you are, if you’re a guy and you can sing, you can get tail. Onto the show….. -Jailbait is very excited about her chances: “It really didn’t dawn on me until now that I could win this thing. I have a really good chance.” Yes, you do little Bait. You see, there are 4 of you left. After tonight, there will be 3. Meaning you only have to beat two other girls to win a million dollars given to you over the course of 40 years. Do you know how many gumballs that could buy you? You might actually be able to finally get rid of that piggybank of yours, which is currently holding a whopping $7.36 in it. Oh goodie, goodie, two shoes. Who came up with that phrase? Makes no sense whatsoever. -As the girls are gossiping in the kitchen, the host walks in unannounced. Hey, wait a minute. How does this guy always come in at the perfect time? This guy’s good. It’s like the show isn’t scripted and everything’s happening on the fly. Wow. I’m impressed. And how come I don’t know this guy’s name yet? Does it matter? Why doesn’t he walk in to tell them shit when they’re coming out of the shower or something? I think that would be more appropriate. -Host tells them there will be four dates over the course of the next two days. They are: a gondola ride, horseback ride, bowling, and a mystery date. He lets the four of them decide who gets what date. Jailbait is very curious about the bowling and the mystery date. Why does this not surprise me? In fact, I was willing to be my life on Jailbait getting to go bowling. This is right up her alley. Ha ha. I made a funny. Get it? Bowling….alley….Jailbait….high school….? Ok, maybe it wasn’t. -The ladies decided finally who gets what date by picking out numbers assigned to each date. Very anticlimactic. Why not mud wrestle for the dates? Or pillow fight in just their pajamas? Or maybe a wet t-shirt contest? C’mon. Drawing numbers? BOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG!!!! Let’s spice it up a bit ladies. We only have 3 episodes left. -Kelly the Beyotch gets bowling, Jailbait gets the Gondola ride, Bedhead gets to go horseback riding, and Olive Oil gets the mystery date (Yawn). The Beyotch is up first and has a _ hour to get ready for her date. Good. Even that’s too long. If it takes any female more than 13 seconds to get ready for a bowling date, something’s terribly wrong. -Knob picks Beyotch up in a red 55 Thunderbird. The point of this being? I have no idea. Oh I know. They’re trying to copy Andy and Kirsten’s date at the drive in. Remember when they went all 50’s on us and made us pretend we were flashing back to a time that we wish we never lived in? What did people do in the 50’s? I couldn’t imagine growing up in a time where the drive-in was cool, TV didn’t have color or surround sound, everything cost a nickel, and there was no such thing as a halter top. I feel bad for my parents. -This bowling date is eerily similar to Jen and Andy’s date in Arizona when it rained. Except for one major thing: This show sucks ten times worse than that one did. Knob has a yellow bowling ball, which is all you need to know about him. As for Beyotch, I noticed she has a small tattoo right at her waistline in between her belly button and her hip. You know what that means? Yep. Nymphomaniac. Any girl with a tattoo there likes to have sex a lot. That’s just my theory. -Knob does the gentlemanly thing and lets the Beyotch beat him at bowling, 140-139. Oooohhh. Close one. I can’t believe it turned out that way. What a coincidence. Somehow, in the course of ten frames, Kelly went from being a complete spaz who was throwing gutter balls in frame one, to freakin’ Pete Weber by the tenth frame. Very realistic. -And I don’t like how they get the whole place to themselves to bowl. Name one time you’ve ever gone bowling and every lane has been available. Try never. As sappy and as cheesy of a date as bowling is, how come it’s always packed? Besides the forty something leagues that are going on, high schoolers love to bowl, I tell ya’. I guess it’s the children’s way of flirting and bonding with their date, without the pressure of wanting to mount them all night long. You can bowl, share some nachos, play a couple video games, then go make out by the lockers. At least, that’s what I did. By the way, if you ever put ANYTHING into a locker at a bowling alley, consider yourself a loser. -After the sexual tension of bowling has been completed, the Beyotch asks Knob why he’s been so willing to swap spit with her and Jailbait, yet hasn’t kissed Olive Oil yet. Great question honey. I’m sure your jealousy is really turning him on. Calm down already with that crap about him not kissing Olive Oil. Anyway, we don’t get to hear his answer until after the commercial break. The suspense is killing me….. -“Legally Blonde 2” comes out over 4th of July weekend. Ummm, I will not be seeing this movie. I saw the first one twice for some reason, and didn’t like it outside of Reese being hot. Actually, I do remember why I saw it twice. I saw it with one girl I didn’t really like, then someone I was really interested in asked if I wanted to see it, and being the compromising gentleman I am, I said, “Sure. Haven’t seen it yet, but it sure looks great.” See what a good catch I am? -Beyotch: “So do you want someone who doesn’t kiss on the first date?” Knob: “I was taken aback by Kelly’s question, and I didn’t really know how to answer it.” How about honestly, you tard’. Nothing like avoiding the question entirely and just trying to go for her mouth. A lot of substance there ladies. A lot. -The kissing doesn’t stop there though. Knobbie’s got other plans. On the car ride home, he decides to be Mr. Cheesedick and make out with Kelly every time they come to a stoplight. This is frankly getting embarrassing. His behavior is bordering on “this-guy-will-do-anything-to-cop-a-feel-on-me” disgusting. I wonder what the chick back in the military is thinking watching all this go down? She must be like, “Yeah. That’s Rob all right. Quite the charmer.” To be honest though, Knob isn’t doing anything I wouldn’t do. I’ve done the exact same thing. Except my game wasn’t to make out at every stop light. My game is to try and make out with them every time they breathe. Way ahead of you, pal. -Or if you’re watching TV with your girlfriend, I think every guy has done this, and you start going at it every time there’s a commercial. Then when the show’s back on, you have to stop. That’s bullshit. They’re just as into it as you are, yet, if they miss 4 seconds of “Sex and the City”, they’ll throw you off them like you’re a burglar or something. This is where TiVo comes in handy. If you can find two seconds to remove your hand from her ass and find that remote to pause live television, maybe, just maybe, you can fool them. I don’t have TiVo. I fall into the “3 minutes on, 10 minutes off, 3 minutes on, 10 minutes on” category constantly. -Time for Bedhead’s horseback riding date. She has stated for the zillionth time that she really feels nothing for Knob and would like to take home a check for a million bucks. Hey, at least she’s being honest. She says she’s only ridden a horse once or twice in her lifetime. Translation: “I’m not very sexually active.” -After riding, they had a boring, non-eventful candlelight dinner where he said nothing of interest, and she had dollar bill signs dancing around in her head. And oh yeah, surprise, surprise….he kissed her. Never saw that one coming. Probably the most unromantic kiss in television history. If his two cents for a brain personality didn’t turn her off already, I’m sure his kissing ability will. -What did I tell you? When she gets back from her date, she runs to tell the others, “Kissing him was like kissing my pillow.” Knob’s reaction: “I think I had a breakthrough with Lauren tonight.” Knob is so far gone, he’s not coming back. You’re breakthrough was she thinks you’re an even bigger tool now. Look meathead, if someone kisses you the way they kiss their dog, I suggest you officially sever all ties with them immediately because they don’t want you. -And why did she have to go back and tell the others what happened on her date? Man, I thought that was the guy’s job to go back to his buddies to kiss-and-tell? You mean women do that too? No way. I’m….I’m….I’m shocked. Yet the other women grill her on Knob. “On a scale of 1 to 10, what would you give his face?” Bedhead: “He’s a good looking guy, I give him an eight. But his kissing is a 5 _.” 5 _? I mean, you have to try to be as bad as a 5 _. He either went lizard action on her with is his tongue, tried to swallow her face, or slobbered all over her. A 5 _? C’mon. Really, when it comes to kissing, is there a difference between being a 0 or a 5 _? Didn’t think so. -Time for the mystery date. Olive Oil gets to go up in a biplane. For those that don’t know, biplanes are planes which have sex with both genders. Damn I’m on a roll tonight. Whew. Anyway, their date ends up at some petting zoo in San Diego where they feed giraffes, and rub rhino’s tusks for good luck. I don’t know who comes up with these lame ass dates, but they need to stop. I think dating a rhino would just as interesting as dating Knob. -Knob: “I’m kinda scared of going to the next level with Jen.” Translation: “I’ve made out with every other one but this chick. What’s her deal? This is pissing me off. What if she refuses my sexual advances like the chick back in the military who wouldn’t let me fondle her breasts when I was piss drunk?” -Another date comes and goes with Olive Oil, and Knob gets no play whatsoever. I guarantee the cold shower is running after every date with her. I think it’s the woman he’s most intrigued by, yet she’s not giving him what he wants. I don’t know how much longer Knob can take this before flipping out and throwing temper tantrums. -Time for Jailbait’s gondola ride date. When she gets out of the limo, Knob gives her some sunflowers. Awwwww. She asks him what his favorite flower is and he says, “Uh, I don’t know. Probably African Violets.” Huh? What are those? Are guys supposed to have favorite flowers? Hey, any gift I get from a woman I consider thoughtful, but God forbid she ever asked what my favorite flower was. There are certain things you don’t ask guys: 1) How many women have you slept with? 2) Do you still talk to your ex-girlfriend? And, 3) What’s your favorite flower? By the way, there’s some myth going around about whatever number they give you, divide it by three because that’s really their number. Uh, no. I’d say multiply it by five. If a guy has slept with 25 women, and you ask him on your first date how many women he’s slept with, you think he’ll answer 25? Didn’t think so. His answer is either “single digits”, or “five.” Five for whatever reason is a safe number. -The gondola rower is singing to Knob and Jailbait as they make out like 7th graders. I think they stole this guy from “Macaroni Grill”. Restaurant singer by day, gondola singer by night. Knob: “I was kind of holding back at first when I was kissing Paige. Then she grabbed my head and pulled me toward her.” For once, I actually agree with this dillweed. Paige may be a couple weeks removed from Grad Night, but that chick is quite the horny one. Good for her. A young, naïve, attractive simpleton like herself going after what she wants. I give her all the credit in the world. -Jailbait: “Every time we stopped kissing, we just kept looking at each other. I was so embarrassed. I didn’t know what to say.” Don’t worry, honey. Neither did he. I think her thinking right now is, “Wow. Knob is the greatest guy in the world. I love kissing him. He’s everything I’ve ever wanted in a sugar daddy. I can’t believe this is happening to me. Last week, I’m eating a sack lunch under a tree watching guys show off in front of me, now I’ve got a man older than my teachers sticking his tongue down my throat. This is awesome!” Knob’s thinking more along the lines of, “Paige is 21 years old, I’m 33. There’s not a chance in hell she’s staying past the next round. Let’s see how far she’ll go.” -Jailbait: “I can totally see myself together with Rob. I can totally see taking him home.” You can? How would that look? Paige brings this 33 year old perv home to mom and dad, she shows him around the house, then they go in her room which she shares with her sister, she locks the door behind them, she clears the stuffed animals off her bed, her and Knob start making out, he starts to go up her shirt, she pushes his hand away telling him they’re going too fast, he tries……this is beginning to sound all too familiar. I’ll end this now before some serious emotional scars are re-lived. -Jailbait: “I don’t know if any of the girls felt what I felt on my date.” You’re right, honey. They didn’t. It’s called becoming a woman. Lauren, Kelly, and Erin all reached that at least 10 years ago. Be sure to write this date down in your journal. -Elimination ceremony. The women have one final chance to say what they want to say to Big Knob before he eliminates one of them. The Beyotch- Gives him some note referencing their make out sessions at the stoplights and how she can’t wait to pull up to another stoplight again. If you throw up very quickly, it seems to come out much easier than if you take your time. Try it some time. Bedhead- Apologized for not opening up as much on their date. What she should’ve apologized for was for not wearing the extra padding in her bra under that red dress. Either they turned down the temperature in the room, or someone was smuggling raisins into the mansion. Olive Oil- Another note saying she knows she’s put a wall up around her, but she feels it’s breaking down. Do they write the cheeseball lines for these people, or is this completely off the cuff? Jailbait- Great black mini-skirt that I believe stopped about 10 inches above her knees. I didn’t notice or hear anything else. -Time to eliminate. Jailbait is up first, meaning we know she’s staying. Eliminating the first one would completely erase any suspense whatsoever. Jailbait has one week left before having to go back to work at Penguin’s for the summer. Tough break. -Kelly the Beyotch. She stays. He says she has this evil smile, but that’s why he wants to keep her around, to find out what’s behind that smile. Great choice or words there, Shakespeare. -Down to Bedhead and Olive Oil. Bedhead: “After he kept the first two, it felt strange standing there.” I bet it did. Especially with your headlights on full blast. You must not have felt self conscious at all. Wow. Hey, sex sells. It got my attention. -Olive Oil is staying. Is that fake rain coming down? I think it is. It’s flowing down way to perfectly for me to consider that real. And I said it last week, I’ll say it again, how can these women at the top of the stairs hear what he’s telling they ones down below? That’s a good 30 to 40 yards away. And oh yeah, I officially don’t like Olive Oil anymore because of that smirk she does with her mouth. She moves her whole mouth over to one side. VERY, VERY annoying. What is that? Is that a smile? Is that a frown? Was she born with that? Will it ever go away? Watch for that next week. -After dumping Bedhead, he invites all 3 girls back down so he can “open up” to them a little more. Knob: “I’m not looking for someone I can live with. I’m looking for someone I can’t live without.” What kind of “Men-are-from-Mars-Women-are-from-Venus-Dr.-Phil-relationship” book did he steal that line from? Don’t worry, Knobbie. Neither one of those women are currently remaining. Keep searching my perverted drunk friend. -Host pulls Knob into the room where the chicks pretend to rip up million dollar checks to tell him the secret of the winner getting a million bucks. Knob looks like he’s about to cry. “You mean all this time these women actually pretended to like me only to win themselves a cool, hard million?” Yep. Pretty much. Next week, they say another big twist is coming. Well, considering that as far as we know, the girls think if they get picked, they get a million bucks AND Rob. So I think the surprise will be next week they find out that they have to choose between the million OR Rob. Which is once again very anticlimactic because we already knew that was the twist. Why did they let that get out so early? What suspense does that hold for next week? We already know the twist, and we already know Jailbait is a sitting duck. Might as well not watch. Yeah right. Who am I kidding?
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