6.2.03 6.9.03 6.16.03 6.23.03 6.30.03 7.7.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 1 6.30.03 The beginning of “For Love or Money” seems to be a little outdated. First off, they show way too much of the chicks who didn’t get past the 1st round. Why do I need to see them? In fact, I can only remember about five of the girls names anyway. The other ten? Forget it. Did they even have names? Or did they have masks with numbers on them? Woops. Wrong show. Speaking of that, how are Hayley and Will anyway? Talk about 15 minutes of fame. I have literally not read, seen, or heard a thing about those two losers since that show ended. And with all the catty gossip I love hearing about these shows, that’s pretty amazing. Anyway, when they’re doing the recapping in the beginning, why does the announcer guy say, “But what Rob can never know, is that the woman he chooses, will get one….million…..dollars.” Ummmm, they just told Knob this last week. You might want to change that. These production people suck. Onto the show….. -We start off with the end of last week’s show where host guy is telling Knob the big secret about the million. They could’ve filmed this scene one day into filming, or four weeks into filming, and I don’t think any of us would ever have known. Knob still has the same “I’m-a-complete-dolt-someone-light-me-on-fire-so-I-can-show-some-kind-of-emotion” look on his face. I think a VCR collection of Rob Campos in action may officially become the prescribed medicine for insomnia once this show ends. -Ah ha! Another twist to the show. I was partially right. Host dork says the winner will have to choose between the money OR Knob, but doesn’t get both…BUT, if Knob can convince whomever he chooses to stay with him, without telling them about the money, they will get to split the million. Interesting. This show has officially set the record for the number of twists and turns during a 6 week span, yet still being uninteresting. Look at what’s happened….. -The girls think whoever Knob chooses will be someone they get to continue to date. Wrong. Winner gets a million as well. -Knob thinks he just has to choose one of the fifteen girls. Wrong. He could choose them, but they might not choose him. -Women are told they can’t mention anything to Knob about the money. Knob knows nothing about the money the first four weeks, but now he does. -The women know they get a million and Knob if they win, Knob knows the winner can pick the million or him, yet the women don’t know Knob knows, and Knob knows the women don’t know that he knows about the money. -Now Knob knows the women might be just after the money, yet whoever he picks, if he can convince them to stay with his sorry ass, without telling them the secret, they get to split a million. My head hurts. I’m going to go lie down. -Knob has three solo dates left with each of them on tonight’s episode. And guess what he says before all of them? “I’m really looking forward to my date with (fill in tramp’s name here)…..” I’m guessing you would be considering we’re down to the final three. Telling us you have no excitement heading into the date would kind of ruin the atmosphere, don’t you think? And I’m really looking forward to some chick taking the money over you, you waste of sperm. -First up is his date with Olive Oil. Here’s something else I’ve noticed about the Oil. She’s got a hell of a bikini tan going right now. I thought women were very self conscious about that? “Gotta go to the tanning salon, prom is coming up and I can’t have a bikini tan with my strapless dress.” Apparently Olive Oil doesn’t live by this rule. I just thought it was some universal female “I’m-going-to-start-flipping-out-if-this-isn’t-taken-care-of” reaction. Guess not. -As Knob and Oil take off, back at the house, Jailbait and the Beyotch continue to care waaaaaaaaay too much about whether or not Olive Oil will kiss Knob. Paige: “Do you think Erin will kiss him?” Well Bait, let’s look at it this way. It’s the final date before he narrows it down to the final two. If this chick goes four weeks without touching him, I’m guessing she won’t be someone he’d consider taking to the finals. Just my gut feeling. So it’s put out, or shutup time for Olive Oil. To answer your question Jailbait, yes, Erin will kiss him. And kiss him a lot to make up for lost time. In fact, she might bone him. There. How’s that you little twerp? Does that make you feel better? Go running to your room crying again. -Knob and Olive Oil go to Santa Barbara, but it’s raining so they have to stay inside for the day. Did they officially receive permission to rip off “The Bachelor”, or are they just doing it on their own? Date is cancelled by rain? C’mon. You can do better than that NBC. I’m surprised the rain didn’t force these two into a bowling alley. Oh wait. That’s been done already on this show. So instead of bowling, these two rocket scientists decide to play a game of “Scrabble”. “Scrabble”? What, was “Chutes and Ladders” and “Candyland” not available? Who the hell plays “Scrabble” anymore? It gets better. -They’re arguing over “Scrabble”. Olive Oil thinks “sea otter” is one word. Uh, even Knob must be shaking his head over this one. No honey, sea otter is two words. It’s an otter and it’s in the sea. It’s a sea otter. It’s not a seaotter. I don’t care if it’s pissing buckets outside, nothing could possibly bore me more than a game of “Scrabble”. “Scrabble” junkies are all the people who wore pocket protectors and won all the spelling bee’s in school. And didn’t get laid until after college. Board games in general are soooooo 1980’s. -Although “Pictionary” still has its place in society today. I’ll play that. Can’t draw worth a crap. Am terrible at guessing what someone else’s horrible art looks like as well. But I’ll play it. I love the hard words on “Pictionary” where like you have to draw a thought or feeling or something. Here, draw “delightful”. Huh? Where the hell do I start? Is anyone on this earth capable of drawing “delightful”? Certainly not me. I just make sure I end up on a team with a bunch of cheaters so we just tell each other what the answer is. So much more fun that way. -Last thing on board games. Anyone who thinks “Monopoly” is still fun is a freakin’ loser. Here’s a rule to live by: If you can play a board game with just one other person, it takes 6 hours to play, and you stop because you have the exact same amount of money you had 6 hours previous, consider yourself a moron. In fact, “Monopoly” is the most overhyped “popular” board game ever. Why did Mr. Monopoly look like Wilford Brimley? Why was a boot one of the game pieces? Why did everyone who picked the race car game piece feel the need to slide it across the board rather than jump from box to box? It’s not a real car people. Would you prefer it had a motor too? -Anyway, after the “Scrabble” abortion, Knob and Olive Oil go to dinner. They hold hands, she pretends like she’s opening up more, he really pretends to believe she’s opening up more as an excuse to keep her around, then Olive Oil slips up. No, she didn’t tell him she’s completely turned off by him and wants nothing to do with him. Hopefully that’s next week. She tells him the girls were sitting around and talking about how the winner has to take all the other girls to Vegas. What? How did that just slip out? And how many of the other girls? All fourteen? Needless to say, this awoke Knob from his coma. He didn’t like the fact that Oil said “winner”. Hey, he’s nobody “prize.” This isnt’ a “game”. These are his feeling we’re dealing with. Shutup Knob. Nobody likes you. Get over it. -So after that bothered him for a total of five seconds, the next scene has them laying down on the bed in the hotel. She tells him to look into her eyes for a minute straight. I don’t know what this accomplished. That’s easy for him. He’s a mute anyway. Gazing into someone’s eyes for 60 seconds comes naturally to him. Now, here comes the kiss…..and what a horrible, scripted, soap opera kiss that was. She literally hesitated five times before actually touching his lips. Five times. Something you only see on television. Please. It’s not like it was the uncomfortable position of having sex for the first time. You know, where neither of you know what the hell is going on, yet you both think you’re pros at it? It’s a freakin’ kiss. Grown adults acting like 6th graders attempting their first lip lock is painful to watch. -So she makes out with him for who knows how long, and the next scene has her leaving for the night. “Sleep well” says Oil. Hey Olive, no guy over the age of twelve can possibly sleep well if all he did was just make out with some hottie. It’s kinda difficult to sleep with a sharp pain between your legs all night. Finding a comfortable position to lie down in is…..all right. Let’s get to the point. NEVER, EVER, EVER leave a guy with blue balls. We CAN’T sleep with that. There. I said it. You lose points tonight, honey. -Knob takes Olive Oil back to the airport, a limo is waiting, out comes Jailbait to start her date. Olive Oil doesn’t acknowledge her and gets in the car. Jailbait being the jealous lunatic she’s become, isn’t too happy to see them together, yet, thinks her and Knob’s connection is better. “They weren’t acting the way Rob and I act when we’re together.” Oh really? And how’s that, little one? You mean they weren’t acting like teenagers? You mean they weren’t acting like someone just bought them their first ice cream cone? Jailbait’s got some issues. I’m afraid of her losing. She could easily join Liz the Wreck in counseling if she doesn’t get picked. -Commercial break. Mandy Moore’s in a new movie called, “How to Deal.” I liked this movie the first time I saw it when it was called, “A Walk to Remember”. Except I don’t think she dies in this one. Woops. Hope I didn’t just ruin the ending for anyone. Who am I kidding? No one saw that crap. But if you didn’t, HB03 is currently showing it every other hour. I think Mandy’s very pretty, she just needs to lose the “Hilary-Swank-Boys-Don’t-Cry” haircut. Quit chopping your hair like a lesbian dammit. You’re hot. -Time for Jailbait’s date, but not before they cut back to the mansion where the Beyotch has no make up on and I realize for the first time how ugly she is. Hey, I know not everyone is as pretty in the morning, but Holy Smokes, I don’t think I could wake up to that every morning. The invention of make up is saving her ass on this show. -Knob and Jailbait’s date is in Napa Valley where all the vineyards are. Ok. This is getting ridiculous. Can you say “copyright infringement”? I was half expecting Jen and Andy to be doing it on some picnic blanket in the background. I mean, are they serious with this? Bowling, Napa Valley, the 50’s car, what’s next? We find out Olive Oil’s ex from back home drove her to the airport? The Beyotch is a fan of the Olive Garden? Jailbait’s ex just got his driver’s license and he felt her bra on the outside of her clothes a week before she came out here? I smell a lawsuit. -Knob and Jailbait take a horse carriage around Napa. People still do that? The last time I saw that was when Kermit and Miss Piggy took one in Central Park during “Muppets Take Manhattan”, one of the most underrated cinematic productions of all time. Quick recap: Kermit and the gang think they have a Broadway hit, yet he can’t sell the show. The gang decides to split up, they all sing “Saying Goodbye” to each, they all get other jobs, Kermit finally sells the show to a producer, and on his way home, he gets hit by a car, gets amnesia, and doesn’t remember anyone. But luckily he comes to by the end of the movie and marries Ms. Piggy. The End. Great flick. By the way, the Muppets suck now. I’m sorry, the second Jim Henson died, the Muppets should’ve died with him. These voices aren’t even close anymore. Nobody can do Fozzie’s “Wacka Wacka” like Henson. Or did the other guy do Fozzie’s voice? Whatever. Two best characters: The two old guys who used to sit up in the balcony and make fun of everyone else. I can honestly say my comedic career was influenced by those two hilarious gentlemen. I still don’t know what their names are. 2nd best character: Beeker. 3rd best: The Chef. -Now we’re back to the issue of Jailbait’s promise ring. Remember a few episodes back she told us she bought it for herself as sort of a vow of celibacy. Although she did specify she wasn’t a virgin, which immediately kept her chances alive in this game. “I will take this ring off when I fall in love.” Foreshadowing: The ring will be off by the end of their date together. These producers couldn’t trick us if they hat a top hat and a rabbit. -At dinner, Jailbait has a huge announcement. Something to make us wait through the commercial break for, only to find out that it’s something that every single person who’s ever been on one these shows says at least 50 times during the course of their stay. “I’m scared to open myself up to getting hurt because how do I know that you’re not saying to the other girls what you’re saying to me?” OH GOD. Puh-lease. I mean, when you sign your contract, you know what you’re getting into. Mr. X will date more than one woman on the show. Mr. X will also make out with more than one woman on the show. Mr. X will also sleep with more than one woman the show. Get this through your head people. This isn’t a new concept here. There’ve been 3 “Bachelors”, 1 “Bachelorette”, 1 “Joe Millionaire”, 1 “Mr. Personality” and 2 “Temptation Islands”. Your lovebird will have his cake and eat it too. Guaranteed. Quit acting like you don’t know this is going on. He will lie, cheat, steal, buy you crap, and B.S. his way until your pants are off. Deal with it. -Commercial break. Whoa. This is huge. Next week is the 2 hour season finale. And in 2 weeks starts “For Love or Money 2”, where 15 guys vie for one woman. And according to the announcer, “You’ll never guess who our lucky lady is”. Are you kidding me? I thought after next week I was gonna put my computer away until “Temptation Island 3” started up and now this? Oh man. That’s f***** great. How did I not know about this? Well, actually I did. I just didn’t think it was starting so soon. I will explain in my very last paragraph. Sort of a spoiler for all you out there. I already know who the female will be on “For Love or Money 2”. -Back to Knob and Jailbait. They’re making out on the couch. She’s on top in her mini skirt. Great camera angle too by the way. Knob asks, “Should I believe what you tell me?” Jailbait: “Yes.” Somehow he’s supposed to believe this, although she basically just lied to his face. Whatever. Like he cares at this point. He’s got some teenage hottie straddling him on a couch on national television, he’s pitching a tent that’ll house a family of four, and he’s looking for some deep conversation? C’mon Knob. Go for the kill. Rip that promise ring off and give what she wants, what she needs, and what she craves. Give her the ol’ Knob dumbass stare. That’ll turn her on. -Next morning, these two lovebirds go up in a hot-air balloon. The first thing Knob notices is her promise ring is off. “I can’t get it out of my mind as to why she took it off.” Translation: Is there enough space to lie down in a hot air balloon? -Jailbait lays everything out on the table for Knob to soak up, if that’s possible. “I barely know you, but I feel like I’m falling in love with you.” I think I said the exact same thing to Olivia Fortner my freshman year of high school. We’d been dating for three weeks I think. By the way, my ten year reunion was this past Saturday and Olivia looked unbelievable. Of course, she was married with a son, but that’s not the point. Every ex I ran into this weekend was hot, married, hot and married, hot and married with a kid, or hot, married, and wanted nothing to do with me. Buying drinks and shots for people I hadn’t seen in ten years was something I soon won’t forget. And neither will my bank account. -Jailbait returns from her date spilling everything to Olive Oil, who once again could care less. Jailbait: “I’m like a total mess….There’s something really big and I don’t know what it is.” Ummmmm…..I thought she said she wasn’t a virgin? -So Knob and the Beyotch get to spend the next 24 hours in beautiful, snowy Telluride……I have no idea what state that’s in. Could be California, could be Colorado, could be Oregon, I don’t know. If you were to tell me Telluride was in Delaware, I’d say, “Really? Cool.” Telluride? Why not just continue feeding ABC’s lawsuit and send them to Sedona, Arizona? -At dinner, Beyotch is wearing a tight, white turtleneck top with a black mini skirt and knee high black boots. Let me just say, that anything with a black mini skirt and the high black boots is my weakspot. Ok. I admit it. I find nothing sexier than that combination. Nothing. You could stick Rosie O’Donnell in that and I might actually think twice…..uh, no. Forget that. But just about everyone else. That’s a very, very, sexy look that practically has me typing with one hand right now. Sorry. Uncalled for. -So to kill my buzz, they immediately take us away from the black mini and boots to show Jailbait asking Olive Oil, “So did you kiss him?” When Olive Oil answered yes, we reached a first in prime time television history. Not only did Jailbait let out the biggest scream ever, I think became the first teenager to reach orgasm on a nationally televised dating show. What was that? She’s going to need to be injected with morphine and taken off on a stretcher next week if she’s not picked. Whoa. Calm down girl. -Knob: “Kelly is definitely the sexiest, most seductive girl remaining.” Translation: I only have one night left with the sluttiest girl here so I must take advantage. And boy did he ever. They get in the hot tub and have the hottest, steamiest make out session since Andy and whatever one of the ten girls he made out in the hot tub with was. -Knob describes the three remaining girls: “Kelly is the sexiest. Erin is the most beautiful. And Paige is just…just…just the best.” Such a guy answer. I guarantee if Olive Oil would’ve been cramming her tongue down Knob’s throat from date one, she’d be considered the sexiest, and Kelly would be the beautiful one. That statement was based solely on, “At what level have each of these girls put out for me?” Basically, Kelly’s been open to CPR from the get go, Jailbait lets him do whatever he wants to her, and Olive Oil has been a cold fish until their last date when she left him walking away sore. Sometimes guys can be complete pigs. What a bad name Knob is giving us. -Commercial break. Uh oh. Here’s J-Lo and Ben’s piece of crap movie they’ll expect every couple to go see, “Gigli”. Uh, no thank you. Just because they’re dating, doesn’t mean their movie will be any good. Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan were boning and no one gave a rat’s ass about “Proof of Life” did they? Now, once Ben and J-Lo break it off, THEN let’s see them make a movie. That should be a mandatory Hollywood rule: Any couple together for more than 30 minutes that breaks up, must immediately make a movie together. See. That’ll really test their acting. How easy would it be to co-star with the person you’re currently sleeping with? That’s not cute. That’s easy. Have them do a love scene with their ex. That’s what I want to see. That’s why Brian Austin Green goes down as one of the greatest actors of all time. Not only did he have to continue to bang Tiffani Amber Theissen on the show after they broke up off camera, but then he starts sleeping with Vanessa Marcil on the show AND in real life, while still working with Tiffani. Emmy award winning if you ask me. Long live David Silver. -Elimination time. All the ladies pay one final visit to the Knob before he makes his decision. Nothing eventful coming out of this outside of my roommate saying, “Erin needs a new necklace. I’m sick of seeing that one.” Which immediately had me thinking of possible necklaces Erin could get to replace the one she currently had on. Next. -And why the hell is Jailbait wearing a dress that actually goes past her knees. What’s this bullshit? Where’s the skank mini skirt that even a hooker wouldn’t wear? Put that thing back on, sweetie. It’s getting’ to the end. Little time to impress. -Olive Oil must’ve borrowed Bedhead’s dress from last week and colored it silver considering the headlight action she had going on. Whoa. Someone turn up the heat. Does that bother women? I know some are affected by it, but I honestly think more often that not, most of you don’t care, most of you are glad you have your brights on, and most of you wish it happened more. Whatever draws attention. -So here we are. Final Three. Two get eliminated. Olive Oil: “I feel we had a breakthrough on our date.” I’ve noticed Knob likes throwing in the word “breakthrough” to replace, “Thanks for finally letting me get some.” She stays. Jailbait: By the way he started out with, “You’re so full of life. You brighten my day. Blah blah blah”. I thought for sure she was gonzo. But no. The ‘Bait ain’t goin’ anywhere. Beyotch: “I just felt I had a stronger connection with the other two.” He’s said that to the last 3 girls he’s eliminated. Mr. Originality wants this show to end quicker than I do. -So next week is the 2 hour season finale. 2 hours of this guy? Christ. And although they didn’t show it in the previews, I’m guessing we might actually get to see the twosome that spawned this android ‘tard. God help us. I still can’t believe they’re not even giving us a week off before starting up with a new one. Oh well. I’m ready to go. Especially if it’s who I think it is. Do not read on if you don’t want to know how this show possibly ends and where the next one picks up. ******Spoiler****** -After the first episode of “For Love or Money”, I had read an email from someone claiming to be very close to the show. So in the email, it stated that Erin was the daughter of an ex-NFL quarterback and her name was Erin Brodie. Another email I got from someone said that Erin Brodie had moved from up north to Los Angeles to be on this show, and pursue further acting opportunities. The original email also said that the final two would be Kelly and Erin, Kelly wins, and she chooses the money. So, up until last night, the guy was pretty on target. But the kicker is, although Erin lost, she stayed in L.A. to be the next bachelorette on the 2nd installment of “For Love or Money”. So although it’s Paige and Erin in the Finals, I’m guessing Paige wins, and Erin is the featured one in the next installment. Whether or not Paige goes for the money or him, I don’t know. But I can’t see them centering a show around Paige. Why would they say in the commercial, “Fifteen guys vying for one woman, and you’ll never guess who it is?” Well, it’s obviously whoever loses this show, or else how would we have a clue who it is? More from the Rumor mill when it becomes available.
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