6.2.03 6.9.03 6.16.03 6.23.03 6.30.03 7.7.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 1 6.9.03 Before we get started, I’d just like to make a few comments on something that caught my eye recently. I know there have been a few times in these recent reality show reviews where a woman’s actions have left me completely speechless. Maybe it was something they said, or something they did, but whatever the case may be, I know there have been times where I’ve lost all hope to someday find the right woman because they do things that absolutely blow me away. Something happened last night which became one of those instances. I saw the latest cover of “People” Magazine. I had heard the rumors, I had seen the photos, but I honestly didn’t think it was true. Tell me someone as hot and as classy as Demi Moore isn’t shacking up with Ashton Kutcher. That’s it. It’s over. I’m officially off the market and becoming a monk. 41 years old, everything in the world going for her, new lease on life, going to be in one of the summer’s biggest hits, and she’s dating that guy? He’s 25 going on 15 for christ sakes. Isn’t it usually the other way around where the older guy dates the younger woman because she’s after his money and he wants the young piece of ass to parade around at all the Hollywood parties? I guess I shouldn’t get too worked up over this considering they’ll never last. “Ohhhh….they look so cute together.” Exactly why they won’t last. Once the “new-guy-everything-seems-cool” vibe rubs off, there’s no substance there. There is no way that those two are more than a fling. None. Sorry. Had to get that off my chest. Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Pick two names out of a hat and you couldn’t come up with any couple more random than that. I’m baffled. Ok, on to last night’s show which had a scene that could possibly go down in reality show history as an all-time classic, right next to Amber’s “Olive Garden” conversation with Andy. Let’s begin…. -Show starts out with host Will (yes, at first glance he does look like “Will” from “Will and Grace”) telling the ladies 8 out of the 10 will be going on a date with Mr. Touchy Feely. All 10 ladies vote for one lady they don’t think should go. Superficial Kelly and Jailbait Paige are shit out of luck. I know Paige is of legal age, barely, but considering she could be his daughter if he started having unprotected sex in eighth grade, she’s “Jailbait” to me. -Jailbait and Melissa had the same amount of votes after Kelly’s five, so to break the tie, whoever had a heart under their dinner plate got to choose their fate. Paige did, yet she let Melissa go on the date. Paige is young and naïve. Just like I like em’. Wait a second. I’m no math major, but help me out here. 10 girls at a dinner table. Kelly got 5 of the votes. How did Paige and Melissa split the remaining votes? Oh. Someone picked Erin. So Paige and Melissa split 4 votes. Sorry for putting you through that word problem. -Jailbait says about letting Melissa go on the date instead of her, “I was being considerate and thinking of someone other than myself.” Whoa. What? Did she really say that? A woman uttered that phrase? Forget everything I said earlier about Demi, hope is not all lost. I’m in love. Again. -So four girls get the first group date with Knob the Groper aboard a boat: Christina, Melanie, Laura, and Lauren. I think. NBC doesn’t show the chicks names enough. When they arrive at the boat, Doorknob is standing on the starboard posing like someone’s about to draw a picture of him. Much cheese factor involved in this shot. I thought they’d have him standing at the edge, with his arms spread out screaming, “I’m the King of the World!” Speaking of that, Kate Winslet got married over the weekend to some guy we’ve never heard of. What weight class was she in for her wedding? Was she doing the whole plump Kate thing? Or was she in skinny, model Kate size? This kind of stuff interests me. -Knob the Cop-a-feeler takes Laura downstairs on the boat so he can grope her and make out. I don’t think he ever really talks to any of these chicks for more than one sentence at a time. I think he just grunts, smiles, then tries to tongue them so they like him. I could be wrong. And oh yeah, Demi Moore is dating Ashton Kutcher. No, I’m not over it. -Breast grabbing Knob pulls Christina aside to talk to her, only to be bored instantaneously, excuses himself to go “talk” with Laura again downstairs, only to shove his tongue down her throat again. The girls are onto him. He’s a pig. And he likes grabbing women’s breasts when he’s piss drunk. -Commercial. Alicia Silverstone is going to be on NBC show in the fall called “Miss Match”. I have no idea what it’s about, I have no idea who else is in it, and I don’t care. I’m watching. Alicia also goes through the “Kate-Winslet-I-don’t-know-how-much-I’ll-weigh-this-week” phase. Apparently she’s in the Lara Flynn Boyle mode for the show. Well, not that skinny, but definitely lighter than the lbs she was carrying around in her early blockbusters like “The Crush” and Aerosmith videos. Oui, oui. Is that how you spell “Wee Wee” in French? I have no idea. -When Knob is making out with Laura a second time, he’s holding a camera away from their faces taking pictures. Is she aware of this? Why is he doing this? To show all his friends he actually got some action on the show? I mean, here’s a 33 year old successful man trying to find love on TV, and he’s taking pictures of himself kissing chicks on boats. If only he had a camera the night he barged into the dormitory of that chick in the military. That is something I want to see. -Christina’s upset that Knob abruptly ended his time with her to go make out with Laura, so she starts talking shit about him to Melanie who’s ugly and looks about 45. Laura walks by in the hallway and overhears. Christina has to confront her. “Don’t roll your eyes at me. I’m talking to you.” Christina, she doesn’t want to hear you babble. So she made out with him. Big deal. It’s not like you won’t get your chance. Besides, she’s a girl. She HAS to roll her eyes at something she doesn’t agree with. Ladies, rolling your eyes at us is one of the biggest turnoffs you can ever do. Don’t do it when we’re looking. Within seconds of receiving the eye roll, a guy will immediately have this thought in his head, “God, what a bitch. I don’t care if I ever see this chick again.” Then later on that night when your clothes are lying on the floor, we’ve forgotten all about your stupid eye roll. -The second group date is in the Botanical Gardens dressed in ridiculous outfits. Knob thinks he looks dapper in his linen suit and the ladies think they look hideous in the god awful dresses they have to wear. They’re right. Boy, these dates are sure uneventful. Absolutely nothing happened on this date with any of the girls. This guy has nothing of quality to offer any of these chicks. One of them is impressed by the amazing food served at lunch calling it “the most amazing spread of food I’ve ever seen in my life.” Honey, it’s called a continental breakfast and you can get at any Courtyard Marriott. Where do they find these women? -This next scene wasn’t the all time classic, but it’s in the top ten. Knob is taking food, throwing it way up in the air, and trying to catch it in his mouth. And the girls are watching in amazement like he’s balancing a stack of chairs on his forehead while standing on one foot. Is this guy serious with his act? What is he doing? Immediately after this scene, Alima is shown saying, “I’m here for Rob, not the million dollars.” Huh? She’s turned on by this? This impresses her? I guess it would considering she’s never been in the throws of passion with a man. The simple things in life like throwing food up in the air like a 5 year old and catching it in your mouth really turns virgins on. Gotta try that one next time. -Now it’s time for all 10 girls to make dinner because Rob the Molester is coming over to feel all of them up. He arrives in a shirt that can be described in one word: ugly. It’s not polka dot, but it’s got all these small dots on it. Kinda reminds me of when you go to the optometrist for that eye test, and to test if your color blind, they show you a circle with a number written inside of it, but the number is made out of little circles that is similar to the color of the circle it’s in. Did it again. Microsoft Word just informed me that last sentence sucked. Screw them. You people know what I’m talking about. -Why does the optometrist tell you to cover one eye, read the smallest line on the chart, then uncover that eye, cover the other one, and read the exact same thing? What if you memorized the line you just read to them? Is that considering cheating? Do you currently have the wrong prescription in? Is this a felony? And where do optometrists find some of these assistants that administer these tests? “Here. Stare directly at the dark circle and press this button every time you see a light appear. I’ll be right back.” How come I always finish this test early and have to sit there for 10 minutes with my face pressed up against some machine thinking the test isn’t exactly over and I’m going to fail if I move my head away? -Anyway, my point being Knob the Groper’s shirt was hideous. Since he didn’t get a date with Kelly, he pulls her aside to say nothing of importance. He just wanted to make out again. Jailbait goes to look for him since she’s the only one who hasn’t gotten any time with him. She arrives just as his tongue is removing itself from Kelly’s mouth. So Kelly leaves, now he wants to make out with Jailbait. Hey, she’s 21, she’s naïve, she’s absolutely clueless to what’s going on, might as well take advantage of the situation. Make out time with Jailbait. She’s in love. Knob is the greatest guy in the world in her mind because a 33 year old dude just kissed her four seconds after kissing another chick. True love I tell ya’. The more this show goes on, the more I believe the “drunken-stupor-let-me-grab-your-breast” incident back in the military. This guy’s a complete horndog. -Everyone’s beginning to take shots. Everyone’s beginning to drink a little more, and Knob is loving it. He’s pretty sauced at this point, so he figures he won’t hide anything and goes complete perv on the girls. He has Christina and her cleavage remove his boots for him just so he can look down her shirt. Then Laura bends down in front of him to take his socks off just so he can look at her ass. I mean, are you kidding me? Now I know that military story is true. Knob, why not just ask them up front, “Excuse me, is it ok if I completely degrade you as a woman in front everyone else?” The girls are not happy with Knob’s act right now. “We are ten classy girls. We don’t need to see that.” Oh honey, you haven’t seen anything yet. It gets better….. -Time for the hot tub. Most of the girls, although unhappy with Knob, still had the million dollar sign dancing in their head, so they joined him in the tub. And Knob the Sexual Predator basically took turns going from one chick to the next in the tub. Probably trying to cop a feel underwater with every single one of them. One by one they realized how appalling and embarrassing this guy is and got out of the tub. So he chases down Kelly, corners her, and kisses her again. -While he’s with Kelly, Jailbait’s radar must’ve gone off because she interrupts again. Not 3 seconds after Kelly leaves, Knob is asking Jailbait, “Gimmie a kiss.” Gimmie a kiss? Tell me he didn’t just say that. That’s a line straight from an ABC After School Special on teen dating. You know, the one where the guy is pressuring the girl to have sex with him so he continues to force himself on her. I think Chad Lowe was in that. Of course he was. He was in all of them. By the way, Jailbait obliged and they tongued for probably the next 10 minutes. -This is crazy. Jailbait Paige thinks Knob is the greatest thing since sliced bread and all nine other chicks are furious with him. And why is everything the “greatest thing since sliced bread?” Who thought of that phrase? Since when is sliced bread such a great creation? Sliced bread? Nothing’s greater than sliced bread? Whatever. Anyway, as stupid and naïve as I think Jailbait is, I think she’s one of the better looking ones left. Nothing wrong with a little ignorance to go along with her innocence. -The next day arrives and we’ve come to the scene which is definitely a reality show all timer. Knob apologizes to the girls for his behavior. And it wasn’t just one thing he said or did, it was this whole surreal scene of him apologizing to the girls. A few thoughts: -Him sitting on the steps before coming in with his feet hanging off the steps, twiddling his thumbs was priceless. That was straight out of a Norman Rockwell painting. -Knob is showing a vulnerable side. “Growing up, I was really shy. I was scared of girls. My ex girlfriend really made me a better person.” Dude, what are you talking about? Where are you going with this? Is this the ex girlfriend you groped when you where plastered that got you booted from the military? That ex? Please clarify. -“I apologize for last night….I feel bad….I couldn’t get my boots off….I needed some help….I’ve been drunk before where I couldn’t get my boots off…..I only got one off and slept with the other one on….” This is unreal. What the hell is this guy babbling about? No one cares about your stupid boots, you freak show. -Here’s the quote that rivaled Amber & Andy’s Olive Garden discussion: “I just want to tell my grandkids someday…(crying)….I told my brother I wouldn’t cry. You know, I just wanted to be sitting with my grandkids one day and have them ask, ‘Grandpa, how’d you meet Grandma?’ And I’d tell them there was this big house….there were 15 girls….and I just got lucky.” What on God’s green earth kind of story was that? What a sap. That was his apology? That’s supposed to make them fall for him? The guy sounded so insincere during the whole this whole diatribe, I thought some would get up and walk out. Except Jailbait. I think she needed a box of Kleenex. Hook, line, and sinker. This guy in an absolute joke. -Commercial. Good. I immediately have to force myself to vomit after that. “Charlie’s Angels” is coming out June 27th. Without Bill Murray playing Bosley, or whatever that guy’s name was, how can they just bring in Bernie Mac? Is it just me, or is that about as random as Demi Moore dating a 25 year old square with about as much maturity as a junior high schooler? Anyway, Cameron Diaz has slowly moved down the list of once hot female actresses. What’s happened to her? She looked best in “The Mask” and has gotten progressively worse since. -And moving in the other direction of “once average, now hot” celebrities is Jewel. Holy smokes. Did you see her singing at halftime of the basketball game Sunday? When did she go from this poor, homeless chick with a snaggletooth living out of her car to this little bombshell with a snaggletooth wearing daisy dukes appearing on the cover of men’s magazines? Someone needs to do a documentary on this. What a success story. Bravo. I need more Jewel in my life. That halftime performance alone will make me go buy some DVD of her. -Time for Knob to make his decision and eliminate five chicks. What is he basing this off of? I feel like we know absolutely nothing about these girls. Their dates haven’t been any good, they haven’t shown us him getting to know them other than kissing them, exactly how will he choose who to eliminate? “Y’all are some of the classiest women I’ve ever met” he says before dumping 5 of them like a sack of potatoes. “Y’all” sounds very intelligent dude. I’m sure they feel the same way about you. And you might not want to use the whole pint of hair gel next time. Remember, just dabble about the size of a quarter onto your hand, then lather. -Time to eliminate 5 girls that don’t want to be there anyway. Very anticlimactic…. Erin- She stays. Very pretty woman. I guess the fact she weighs 74 lbs soaking wet doesn’t bother Knob either. Alima- “I think there is someone better suited for you than me.” I’m guessing there are zillions of dudes out there better for her than you. What did I say last week? A virgin will never win one of these shows. Ever. Melanie- I guess getting a six proposal isn’t gonna come from this show. Gonzo. Here’s what he told her, “I don’t think that…you know.” “I know.” “You know…..” I can see now why women would throw themselves at Rob’s feet. Such a way with words. Paige- Slowly becoming my favorite. Young, innocent, very Jennifer Aniston-like. She stays. Laura- She’s the fitness trainer that he couldn’t stop making out with. She also has a ba-donk-a-donk butt. She stays. Christina- Gonzo. Apparently she needs to get back on tour with Ruben, Clay and the rest of the gang. Plus, she has to promote her new movie. Melissa- He sees this bobblehead as just a friend and nothing more. See ya. Kelly- This is Knob’s Kirsten. Nothing but a physical attraction. Nice hooker leather mini skirt she wore to the elimination ceremony. What a whore. Stacy- He’s mesmerized by her. Which is why he lets her go. She says, “I don’t think Rob would know what to do with a woman like me.” Couldn’t have said it better myself. Why do I have a feeling Demi Moore will be uttering this phrase sometime in the near future? Lauren- She stays. -Next week, more of the same. Knob starts getting more intimate, and a couple girls actually say they are falling for him. Hope is lost once again. What’s the saying, “A zebra never changes his stripes?” What you saw in his drunken stupor is the real Knob. He can’t carry more than a 20 second conversation, his IQ is struggling to hit double digits, he’s not that attractive, and he’s into groping unsuspecting women when he’s hammered. NBC picked a real winner…..
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