7.14.03 7.21.03 7.28.03 8.4.03 8.11.03 8.18.03 8.25.03 9.1.03 9.8.03	FOR LOVE OR MONEY 2 7.21.03 Another week, another reality show to suck the life right out of me. I’m actually getting started on this a little late Monday night, because as I flip around once “For Love or Money 2” ended, the “Carson Daly Roast” is now on MTV. Now this I have to see. Two major reasons. First and foremost, Jennifer Love Hewitt is going to appear. Now, I know it’s been six years since she and Carson dated, but her and I both felt it was time that she revealed to the public we were an item. She’s kept it in long enough, I just figured this was the time to come out, profess her undying love for me, and we could finally get on with our lives. Wait…this is….hey, what the hell is going on here? They edited it out? Are you kidding me? Now I know no one will believe me. At least she’s wearing the dress I bought her. Goddammit. Anyway, the other major reason for watching this is….well, to see Carson Daly get roasted. How long can this thing last, like 8 minutes? How can you possibly roast the most boring, and uninteresting guy in America? We shall see. In the meantime, onto tonight’s show….. -So they start off by recapping what happened on the first “For Love or Money”. Yeah, yeah, yeah…we know. 15 women in a house….one million dollars….idiot bachelor….money or love…..Erin chooses the money. No need to rehash the last six weeks of my life for me. Now, it’s Olive Oil’s turn to see if she can convince some guy to pick her so they can split two million bucks. If she chooses him, and he chooses the money, she loses her million from the first show, and he gets a million. And then they’ll revolve a show around him, “For Love or Money 3” will begin, and this thing will never end ever. Let’s pray this is the last one. -All right, on to our 15 contestants: -Victor, 25, didn’t catch where he’s from. -Greg, 34, North Carolina. -Eric, 27, Minnesota. -Thomas, 23, San Diego. Token black guy. -Chad V., 29, San Francisco. -Richard, 25, San Francisco. Back-to-back NoCal’ers. Maybe they’ll leave together. -Wade, 29, Texas. Redneck. -Sean, 32, Massachusetts. -Deric,28, Colorado. Already don’t like him. What egotistical prick spells his name “Deric”. I’ve seen “Deric” spelled at least five different ways. “Derrick”, “Derek”, “Derick”, “Darrick”, and “Darick”. Was this guy too cool to throw a “k” in there? -Chad, 28, Manhattan Beach. My roommate swears she’s seen him at Harry-O’s before. Whatever. She probably did. And she probably made out with him too. -Paul, 29, Georgia. -Dan, 26, Washington, D.C. -Munch, 31, Georgia. He’s a bartender. And yes, that wasn’t a misprint. He likes to be referred to as “Munch”. Calling him “buttmunch” is way too easy. I’ll get back to him later. -Dustin, 25, New Jersey. -Chris, 27, Newport Beach. If you saw that you’d probably think, “blonde, blue eyed, surfer, california guy”. Chris couldn’t have been any further from that. The guy was.…hell….I don’t know what nationality he was. Indian? Iranian? Armenian? Who knows? From here on out, we’ll just refer to Chris as “Apu” from the “Simpsons”. -And for the record, I’m really glad “For Love or Money” is over, because believe it or not, it’s very difficult for me to continuously rip on women. I don’t enjoy it very much, but if they’re willing to put themselves out there to be ridiculed, then dammit, I gotta do my duty. However, it’s so much more enjoyable ripping on guys. Especially when they call themselves “Munch”. You’re absolute disgrace, dude. I haven’t begun to get started with you. -After meeting the 15 slimeballs, out comes the host. Holy shit! They showed his name. I was expecting his age, city, and current occupation under his name too but they didn’t give it. Jordan Murphy is the host’s name. Jordan Murphy. Sounds very “98-Degree-N’-Sync-Backstreet-Boy-New-Kids-on-the-Block”-ish to me. Hey, wasn’t there a guy named “Jordan” in the group? Don’t ask me how I know this. Yes, there were a few hecklers back in the day who said I looked like him. Or was it “Danny”? They said I looked like one of them. Were they brothers? Why am I talking about that piss poor excuse for a boy band? And did they actually think they became cooler by changing their names from “New Kids on the Block” to “N.K.O.T.B.”? I always thought they should’ve called themselves “F.L.P.W.S.L.C.” That would be “Five Little P**sies Who Sing Like Chicks” in case you’re scoring at home. -So the guys arrive at the mansion, check out their rooms, and start sizing up the competition. Immediately the two San Francisco guys team up and have sex with each other. I’m kidding. However, Richard from ‘Frisco doesn’t make a good impression because he beats Eric from Minnesota at chess. He goes around hi-fiving the other guys saying, “Checkmate”. I don’t know if this is cool in Richard’s little Northern California world, but last time I checked, pencil neck geeks and guys who haven’t been laid in years rule at chess. Calm down, Richie. -“N.K.O.T.B.” brings the guys into the living room to spill the beans about how the winner will get “One…..million….dollars”. Not quite as dramatic as the first 4,495 times he said it last season, but still made my heart skip a couple beats. It’s funny to compare the reactions. Last season, the women were like, “Wow. A million dollars. Great.” These jocks were like, “Whoooooaaaaa. Duuuuude. A million bucks. Cooooool.” Guys are idiots. -Our first reactions from the guy’s upon hearing the news of a million bucks going to the winner. -Chad V.: “This isn’t about the money. I came here to find love. The money is just a bonus.” Well, we know he’s going far. He can bullshit with the best of them. -Munch: “A million dollars means two words to me: Early Retirement.” Very shocked to hear that coming from such a driven, goal-oriented, 31-year old bartender who calls himself “Munch”. I really hate to prejudge people, but Munch’s idea of early retirement probably consists of keg stands and bong rips at 9am instead of 9pm. -Eric: I don’t know what he said. But I do know who he looks like now. A grown up Peter Brady. And I just have a hunch this guy is going to last a while. Trust me. I haven’t heard a thing about this show yet. No rumors, no gossip, no Final Two lists, nothing. But that’s just a guess. -Sorry to get off track a bit here, but, is there a more less believable friendship than Kid Rock and Carson Daly? Kid Rock. Carson Daly. What the hell could these two possibly have in common? Other than they probably both banged Pamela Anderson. And Tara Reid. -One other thing I noticed about our fifteen meatheads. Is everyone a freakin’ web entrepreneur? And what exactly is a web entrepreneur? They all have their own website which has shirtless pictures of themselves and links to every porn site out there? Never seen a collection of geeks this big since, well, “The Bachelorette”. -They’re meeting Olive Oil tonight for the first time, so the guys need something to do during the day to kill time. Surprise, surprise. Half these dolts are shown weightlifting. Now, although it was odd to see the chicks doing this before they met Knob, I was none too surprised to see all the guys getting toned for their date. A couple of them actually weren’t working out, but were outside on the patio with books in their hand. Um…we can officially eliminate these guys immediately. I wish I could remember who it was because neither of them is winning. Guys, this show is about looks and money. Quit reading your way into a woman’s heart. Especially Olive Oil’s. She’s looking for a young, hulking, stud to sweep her off her feet and split two million bucks with. Not some pansy waist, L. Ron Hubbard reading, computer nerd. -Commercial. After “For Love or Money 2” is the season premiere of “Who Wants to Marry My Dad?” where four children pick a potential wife for their father. One question: I thought Patrick Stewart was already married? -Time for the guys to meet Olive Oil. Who dressed a couple of these guys? And were the lights on? Good God. Nice first impressions. -Dustin. Look like Greg Brady. He seems intimidated by people that don’t have the same genitalia as him. -Deric. Nice spelling again, you tard. Anyway, Deric works at the University of Colorado. Olive Oil says she went to school there for one year. Whoooooppppeeeee!!!!! And for those that don’t know, Poem Guy from the “Bachelorette” played football there. So, are you a lock to get on a dating show if you went to CU? Apparently the whole Timberland wearing, half-shaven, rugged tree chopper look is in nowadays. -Dan. Light brown suit, with a light blue shirt and blue tie. I’m sure that mansion has electricity in it. Feel free to use it when dressing yourself, Mr. Keller. He gave Olive Oil a wooden elephant because an elephant represents good luck. Did not know that. I hope Dan says something ridiculously stupid next time he sees her and gets dumped. -Munch. Need I say more? He told her to call him “Munch.” And she actually said, “I don’t know if I can picture myself dating someone named ‘Munch’, so we might have to work on that.” God forbid, Erin. Please put this meathead out of his misery and tell him to go home now. The guy is obviously playing the “Bob” from the “Bachelor” role on this show. The fat funny guy who livens up the room. Although this guy’s not funny. Which leaves him as just being fat. Not good. -Eric. Peter Brady says, “Erin? Wow. My name’s Eric.” Well gee, Peter. Why doesn’t she just propose to you now? Your names are only one letter off. Olive Oil says Peter Brady was the first guy she had an immediate physical attraction to. See, I told you this guy will last. -Sean. He’s got a big, fat head and big eyes. Something very “date rape”-ish about this guy. He scares me. -Paul. I have nothing to say about Paul just like I didn’t earlier. Never a good sign. -Wade. The redneck. She likes his charisma. How far can charisma get someone? I guessing not very far. -Vic. Says he’s a “down-to-earth” guy. Translation: You’re boring. He lasts one round max. -Chad V. “He’s hot. Seems like a very quality guy.” He’ll be around a while. -Thomas. Black guy. I could be wrong, but I don’t think Olive Oil has “Jungle Fever.” Hell, I’d love to be wrong, but…c’mon. Who are we kidding? He’s not winning. -Chris. Apu seems very nervous. He’s trying so hard not to be nervous, that he’s coming across as nervous. -Greg. The Oil was impressed that he was the first guy to give her a hug. Major points Greg. Considering none of the thirteen previous guys had even laid a hand on her, if you played your cards right, she might’ve gone down on you. Maybe not. -Richard. Jay Leno jaw. He says, “You must’ve saved the best for last.” Yeah, just wait til’ the elimination ceremony Richie when she saves the worst for first. -She toasts with all the slobbering idiots, then walks away to a bunch of catcalls. There’s a way right to a lady’s heart guys. Look her up and down like a piece of meat when she’s walking away. Has no one taught these gentlemen how to respect a lady? Good Lord. Grow up, men. -Before we get to the elimination ceremony, I must tell you that one week after referencing “Pretty in Pink” in this column, what happens to be on HBO17 on Sunday? You guessed it. Could Blaine possibly have been any more shallow for the first hour and a half of that movie? Not until the very end when he saw Andie about to give up the ass to Duckie did he realize he was a putz for letting her go. Duckie should’ve beat him to a pulp on the dance floor to prove his love to Andie. Instead he wusses out and says Blaine “isn’t like all the others”. Oh yes he is. He’ll dump her the minute he gets to college. Is there a reason I’m still affected by the outcome of that movie? Hey McCarthy, it’s ok to blink every once in a while too. -I think I realized why Olive Oil has gotten better looking throughout the course of the last few months. When they flashed back to her with Knob, she wore that ridiculous shiny lip gloss. Who wears that anymore? It’s like a Manhattan woman who wears a scrunchie. Yes, I saw it on Sunday. You know which of the chicks I hate the most? And I know you’ll be surprised by this: Samantha. I understand she’s the slutty one, but she’s sooooooo over-the-top slutty that it just isn’t believable. No woman acts or talks like that. No way. Anyway, Olive Oil looks a lot better when she’s not completely dolled up. Just be yourself, Olive. I’ll still love you. -Elimination Ceremony. When she originally met the guys, she gave each of them a ring. If she asks them to leave, she asks for the ring back. Those rings probably cost about $5 bucks a pop. Not a big deal. So, you’re five losers are: Richard- He was the one she met last and sealed his own fate when he said, “You saved the best for last”. She sure did, Richie-poo. Now you’re our first loser. Goodbye. (She kept Thomas. Damn girl. Hookin’ a brotha’ up. Now all she needs to do sleep with him and that’ll be our first interracial hook up ever). Dustin- Greg Brady is gone. I don’t think he wanted to be there. Mommy wouldn’t have approved of an older woman anyway. (Elephant boy is staying. Damn. One more week of his crap. Next week I can expect poems and shit). Sean- Yeah, can’t say I’m too shocked by this one. Apparently Olive Oil feared for her life, so she let mr. Molester/Rapist/Pedophile go. Very scary. (Both Chad’s still in. Please get rid of one. I hate it when two people with the same name are left). Paul- On his way out the door, he says, “I don’t think I’m a bad catch at all.” Frankly, it doesn’t matter what you think Paul. You’re done. -Four down, one to go. The final two remaining are Apu and Munch. I mean, could you have picked a better final twosome to leave us with? I was hoping she’d shitcan both of them. She calls Apu down first meaning, you knew he was gone. Nice try though, Apu. Go back to Newport Beach and web entrepreneur yourself into someone else’s heart. Remember when Trista told Bob that if she had six hearts to give out, he would’ve gotten the sixth? I think if Olive Oil was told to eliminate six guys tonight, both of those dolts would’ve been gone. C’mon. Munch? You expect us to believe there is a remote ounce of chemistry been Olive Oil and Munch? I guess she had to keep the token fat guy around for at least one more show. Munch, don’t get too excited there pallie. Your flight back to Gawyja is right around the corner. But in the meantime, please continue to embarrass yourself so I can keep this column entertaining for the masses out there. Until next week…..
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